Seinfeld, Season 3

George:
A man gave me...

Jerry:
Yes, a man gave you...?

George:
A man gave me... a massage.

Jerry:
So?

George:
So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...

Jerry:
He was what?!

George:
He was... touching and rubbing.

Jerry:
That's a massage.

George:
And then I took my pants off.

Jerry:
You took your pants off?

George:
For my hamstring.

Jerry:
Oh.

George:
He got about two inches from... there.

Jerry:
Really?

George:
I think it moved.

Jerry:
Moved?

George:
It may have moved, I don't know.

Jerry:
I'm sure it didn't move.

George:
It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.

Jerry:
Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.

George:
No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

Jerry:
Okay, so what if it moved?

George:
That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.

Jerry:
That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.

George:
You think it's contact? It has to be touched?

Jerry:
That's what a gym teacher once told me.

[George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee]

Jerry:
What happened to you?

George:
One of those kids called me a Mary.

Elaine:
A what?

George:
I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

Kramer:
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.

Elaine:
Oh, you're being audited? What for?

Jerry:
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...

Elaine:
When was this?

Jerry:
Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Elaine:
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.

Jerry:
Volcano? Really?

Elaine:
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...

Jerry:
Something to drink?

Elaine:
What did you think, that would impress me?

Jerry:
You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.

Elaine:
Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

Jerry:
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrificed so much for so long.

Elaine:
Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.

Jerry:
No, that's Kramer.

Jerry:
What did you tell her?

George:
I told her that she was pretentious.

Jerry:
Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS - they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.

Photographer:
Say "astronaut."

[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]

Elaine:
Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?

Jerry:
[pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.

Stella:
This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

Helen Seinfeld:
Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

Elaine:
[on Kramer's ex-girlfriend] If this woman's personality could be seen, it would be like one of those Elephant Man exhibits where they pull back the curtain and everyone gasps.

Jerry:
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

Librarian:
Yes?

Jerry:
Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.

Librarian:
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

Kramer:
Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?

Librarian:
It's true.

Kramer:
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."

Bookman:
You took this book out in 1971.

Jerry:
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

Bookman:
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella...

Jerry:
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

Bookman:
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

Jerry:
I try.

Bookman:
You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

Jerry:
No, I don't.

Bookman:
I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

Jerry:
Certainly not.

Bookman:
Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

Jerry:
I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.

Security Guard:
Well you're still not allowed.

Jerry:
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?

Security Guard:
That's up to you.

Jerry:
So you don't care if I die.

Security Guard:
What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.

Jerry:
It was life and death.

Security Guard:
Uh huh.

Jerry:
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.

Security Guard:
I don't know.

Jerry:
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.

Elaine:
[about driving them around to find the lost car] Why can't you do it?

Man:
I can't.

Elaine:
No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

Man:
That's right.

Elaine:
But why? Why don't you want to?

Man:
I don't know.

Elaine:
But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

Man:
No, I wouldn't.

Elaine:
Why do you keep watching?

Jerry:
I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.

Elaine:
And then you flush.

Jerry:
Well, it's a spider.

George:
85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

[Jerry laughs.]

Elaine:
85?

Jerry:
Well, well, well...

Elaine:
He's coming up?

Jerry:
Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

Elaine:
Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

Jerry:
Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

[George comes in looking angry.]

George:
Oh, hello professor.

Elaine:
George, I cannot believe...

George:
Please...

Elaine:
No there has got be a mistake.

George:
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry:
But an 85?

Elaine:
There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry:
It was a madhouse.

George:
What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?

Jerry:
If it was real, they would never let it out of the country. No baldness, it'd be like a nation of Supermen.

Elaine:
[jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha, oooooohaaaa...

George:
[referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

Audrey:
I know, they're good.

George:
Peter Jennings had one.

Audrey:
Really?

George:
Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

Jerry:
I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my penis is facing my brain is a chess match. And I'm letting him win.

George:
You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.

Jerry:
Then what?

George:
He still wins but it's not a blowout.

George:
I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Jerry:
Really?

George:
That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

Jerry:
Oh, come on.

George:
I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

Jerry:
George, you're thinking too much.

George:
I know, I know, I can't stop it!

Elaine:
[about Eva's fur] You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?

George:
Could we talk about this some other time?

Ava:
Are you a vegetarian?

Jerry:
Here we go...

Elaine:
Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.

Ava:
So you're a hypocrite.

George:
Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Agent:
I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.

Jerry:
I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

Agent:
Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry:
But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

Agent:
I know why we have reservations.

Jerry:
I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Sid:
Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

George:
Well I know how to drive.

Sid:
Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

Jerry:
Can I get anybody anything?

Sid:
Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?

George I put my pants on, Sid.

Sid:
I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.

George:
Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

Mr. Lippman:
It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George:
Who said that?

Mr. Lippman:
She did.

George:
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...

Elaine:
George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!

George:
Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

Kramer:
What's that red dot on your sweater?

Kramer:
All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

Elaine:
Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?

Kramer:
Well, yeah...

Jerry:
Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

George:
Why not?

Jerry:
That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.

George:
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.

Jerry:
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Elaine:
Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

Jerry:
Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.

Noel:
I am breaking up with you!

George:
But you can't break up with me! I've got hand!

Noel:
And you're gonna need it.

Elaine:
But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.

Jerry:
Wow, she is really hungry!

George:
Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire - is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!

George:
Is there a pinkish hue?

Jerry:
A pinkish hue?

George:
Yeah, a rosy glow.

Jerry:
There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.

George:
Who cares about eyebrows?

George:
What kind of hair?

Jerry:
You know: long, dark hair.

George:
Flowing?

Jerry:
Flowing?

George:
Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

Jerry:
"Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?

George:
Yeah, that's right.

Jerry:
Just clarifying.

Jerry:
According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses - in mid air, mind you - makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.

...

Jerry:
I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.

Elaine:
So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.

Jerry:
But that's not what they would have you believe.

Newman:
I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!

Kramer:
[to Newman] Wait, wait, wait.

Jerry:
The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

Kramer:
[on phone] Yello? What-delay Industries?

George:
[in the bathroom] VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY!

Kramer:
[Elaine tries to interrupt Kramer, but he keeps ignoring her] No, you're way, way off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an APARTMENT!

[George bursts out of the bathroom, his pants down around his ankles]

George:
VANDELAY! SAY- [Falls down next to Kramer] SAY VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!

Kramer:
Yeah, no problem. No problem. [Hangs up and looks at George, who is lying despondently on the floor] How did you know who they wanted?

[Jerry walks in and sees George laying on the floor, his pants down]

Jerry:
And you want to be my latex salesman...

Keith Hernandez:
[thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.

Elaine:
[Kissing Keith, thinking] Who does this guy think he is?

Keith Hernandez:
[Thinking] I'm Keith Hernandez.

George:
Did you see the way she was looking at me?

Jerry:
She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!

George:
Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

Eva:
What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?

George:
Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

George:
No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

George:
I'm speechless! I have no speech!

Art patron:
[describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.

George:
I don't get art.

Jerry:
There's nothing to get.

George:
No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

George:
All bald people look good in hats.

Elaine:
You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.

George:
What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

Jerry:
Like you didn't call me a phony?

Mike:
What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.

Jerry:
Use it in a sentence.

Mike:
Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?

Kramer:
He begged me!

Mike:
He begged you?

Kramer:
Do you ever yearn?

George:
Yearn? Do I yearn?

Kramer:
I yearn.

George:
You yearn?

Kramer:
Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?

George:
Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.

George:
You're not really going to California, are you?

Kramer [pointing to his head]:
Up here, I'm already gone!

Elaine:
Five more days?

Jerry:
Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that.

Gina:
[Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.

Jerry:
I can't. What if he wakes up.

Gina:
A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?

Jerry:
I'm a man who respects a good coma.

Elaine:
You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

Jerry:
I went out with you.

Elaine:
That's because my standards are too low.

George:
Magellan? You like Magellan?

Jerry:
Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?

George:
De Soto.

Jerry:
De Soto, why De Soto?

George:
He discovered the Mississippi.

Jerry:
Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway!

George:
I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

Jerry:
The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

[The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button]

Elaine:
It's me.

Jerry:
Come on up.

George:
Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

Jerry:
No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

George:
Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

Jerry:
What if she's having an off night?