Skins, Series 3

[In the corridor]

Katie:
(talking about Naomi to Effy) Yeah, like, don't talk to her. She tried to snog my sister at middle school. Pervy, don't you think, Eff?

Naomi:
(From behind) Watch out, Katie. I might get confused and f*** you with my great big strap-on by mistake

[The new characters introduce themselves]

Kieran:
We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves. Right, I'll start. Christ. Uh, I'm Kieran and I hate being a f***ing teacher. You.

JJ:
I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.

Kieran:
Yeah, you've stopped me in my f***ing tracks there. Yeah, you.

Katie:
I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.

Kieran:
Congratulations. You.

Emily:
I'm Emily. Never had a boyfriend.

Kieran:
Shit happens. You.

Naomi:
I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.

Effy:
I'm Effy and I think my mum's having an affair.

Kieran:
Good one. Shows enterprise. What about you, big man?

Freddie:
I'm Freddie. I met a girl I liked today. She's like beautiful. That's it.

[Effy and Pandora see how Emily looks at her sister]

Effy:
[to herself, understanding] You hate her.

Pandora:
Who do I hate?

Effy:
[beat] I'll let you know.

Cook:
LET'S GO FUCKING MENTAL!!

Cook:
Want to know a secret?

Naomi:
What?

Cook:
I know the cure.

Naomi:
Cure for what?

Cook:
[whispers] It's my cock.

Cook:
Who's that?

Brothal lady:
Oh, that's just Johnny.

Brothal lady:
7 inches, freaky foreskin, big tipper!

[Thomas has just prevented two children from attacking a shopkeeper]

Thomas Tomone:
What is this "paki" they call you... is it bad?

Shopkeeper:
I'm from Delhi... and I hate Pakis!

[Thomas runs into Emily]

Thomas:
Which are you?

Emily:
Gay... I mean Emily!

Pandora:
[running off] Come on! We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.

Katie:
Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?

Effy:
Sometimes I wonder.

Mrs. Moon:
Effy! We meet at last!

Effy:
Yes.

Mrs. Moon:
Pandora's told me so much about you.

Pandora:
You know, Eff, your missionary work.

Effy:
Yes, I try to do as much of that as I can.

Mrs. Moon:
That's good. There're so many bad things in life: boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol...boys. Evil things. I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pool her energy into.

Effy:
Well, yes, all the seamen like her.

Mrs. Moon:
[beat, stops smiling] Seamen?

Effy:
Yes, loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.

Mrs. Moon:
[uncertain] Right...Sounds lovely.

Mrs. Moon:
Bet you like playing monster in the dark.

Effy:
Looking forward to it.

Naomi:
So what do you want Ems? Pinot Grigio or... cider oblivion?

Emily:
Anything, just give me a f***ing... just give me a...

[They kiss]

Naomi:
Oh. It's only the drugs, right?

[They kiss again]

Emily:
You liked that. [Naomi nods]

Naomi:
You're gay.

Emily:
Yes.

[JJ has witnessed the entire scene]

JJ:
Oh my giddy, giddy, giddy... aunt.

Effy:
Any good?

Pandora:
I dunno what you mean.

Effy:
I mean he's a sensational f***, yeah.

Pandora:
There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.

Effy:
We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.

Pandora:
He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.

Effy:
Shut up.

Pandora:
That's why you don't really want him.

Effy:
Shut up!

Pandora:
He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.

Effy:
...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.

Pandora:
Sorry, okay.

Effy:
Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.

Pandora:
What?

Effy:
Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.

Pandora:
Why?

Thomas:
Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?

Effy:
Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.

[Thomas does so as Effy walks away]

Pandora:
[crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.

Effy:
I wanted to see what was in your shed.

Freddie:
My...?

Effy:
Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.

Freddie:
Everyone?

Effy:
Yeah, it's marvelled at.

[They enter the shed]

Freddie:
So this is it.

Effy:
So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?

Freddie:
No. [beat] Not for ages.

Cook:
You coming, Eff? You soon will be.

Effy:
I'd sooner f*** JJ.

JJ:
I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.

Cook:
You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."

Effy:
I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?

Cook:
Now I'm confused.

Effy:
I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.

[Karen is sulking after losing her competition. Cook has arrived, celebrating her loss]

Cook:
Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like. But you know, what goes around, comes around. How much did you lose by again? 15 votes? Well, that's funny. 'Cos... That's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.

Freddie:
[catching his drift] You voted against her?

Cook:
[smugly] Not just me. Everyone in there. JJ even.

JJ:
Cook, don't...

Karen:
[indignant] You f***ing did what!?

Cook:
You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.

Karen:
You little shit, you ugly little bastard!!! [attacks him]

[During a fairly uninspiring English lesson]

Naomi:
Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!

Josie:
I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.

Naomi:
Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".

Freddie:
We'd be good together. Don't you think?

Effy:
No.

Freddie:
Why?

Effy:
Because I'll break your heart.

Freddie:
Maybe I'll break yours.

Effy:
Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?

Anthea:
You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!

Jim:
[Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

Cook:
Come on, Naomikins. You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel alright.

Naomi:
You couldn't make me "alright" if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood in a cement mixer.

Emily:
I can just see it now, in lights, "Naomi, get to know me".

Naomi:
I thought it was quite catchy.

Emily:
Yeah, well so's AIDS.

Naomi:
I didn't bring a swimming costume.

Emily:
Neither did I. [when Naomi makes no move to undress] Sun won't shine forever.

Naomi:
Someone might be looking!

Emily:
Honey, your body ain't that special.

Emily:
I know you Naomi, I know you're lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you, so be brave and want me back.

Emily:
I'm not gonna open the door. My face is all puffy. I've been crying a bit.

Naomi:
I don't care. [sits on the doorstep]

[Emily sits on the other side of the door]

Naomi:
I do... want someone, need someone. You were right.

Emily:
And?

Naomi:
And when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier, less... alone. Less lonely.

[Emily puts her hand through the cat flap to hold Naomi's]

Naomi:
But it's not as simple as that is it? Being with someone?

Emily:
Isn't it?

Naomi:
No...I mean, I don't know...I mean I don't think so. Can't we just sit like this, for a bit?

Emily:
Yeah, we can... for a bit.

Effy:
Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic, it's easy. Just tell me something true. Tell me. Tell me now.

JJ:
I love you.

Effy:
[smiling] Well everybody loves me.

JJ:
That's a relief.

JJ:
Just care, okay?

Cook:
About what?

JJ:
[losing his temper] About me! About me, you twat! You're all f***ing twats!

[JJ accidentally walks in on a semi-naked Effy. They both scream]

Effy:
JJ!? What-the-f***!? What the f***!?

JJ:
[gabbling] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Effy:
Give me my t-shirt, f***ing hopeless perv.

JJ:
[fumbling for her t-shirt] I'm sorry, I...I... The door was open. I...

Effy:
JJ!

JJ:
I...I... I got worried.

Effy:
[taking her shirt and slipping it on] About what?

JJ:
I... I dunno, I mean, I thought I might've... I dunno, okay. [angrily] I was pissed at the two of you.

Effy:
Two of who?

JJ:
I heard what you were saying! I want you to stop doing that -

Effy:
[enquiringly] JJ? What the f***?

JJ:
You and Cook.

Effy:
[confused] I haven't seen him for days.

JJ:
Yeah? Well don't... Don't diss me while you're having sexual intercourse, because... Because you might think it's funny, but I... [realising what she said] Sorry!? [In horror, as he realises Cook was having sex with someone else] Uh oh. [Effy approaches] Uh oh!

Effy:
JJ, are you gonna give me some f***ed up hint what you're talking about?

JJ:
I... I... I usually drink mango juice when I get overstressed!

[JJ, Karen and Emily have walked on Freddy having sex with Katie]

Karen:
Now, does everybody know each other?

Freddie:
Ah, that's just great. Thanks a lot, Karen.

Emily:
For Christ's sake, Katie, what're you doing?

Katie:
[Sarcastically] I'm doing the Great f***ing Northern Run! What does it look like I'm doing!?

Freddie:
Guys, could we please just-

Emily:
Katie, why didn't you tell me?

Katie:
Oh, I'm sorry, maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet. Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.

JJ:
[stammering] Oh, but that's not right! You want Eff, and she's not-

Katie:
[interrupting] It's a free country, JJ. Hey, maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.

JJ:
No, that's ridiculous, Emily's gay. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, Freds, but we can do this another time...

[Stops when he notices Katie's stunned reaction and Emily's dismay, and realises he has accidentally outed Emily]

JJ:
Uh oh...

Katie:
[Aghast] That's not true! Is it, Ems? Because you promised me that wasn't true. [Emily leaves on the verge of tears]

Anthea:
Love, she's gone.

Cook:
Ok, what time's she back?

Anthea:
Not till tomorrow. They've gone to some party at Gobbler's End.

Cook:
Nah, because... we're supposed to hang out tonight!

Anthea:
Is that before you broke up or after?

Cook:
But... I bought a f***ing gâteau! Black Forest!

Anthea:
Ooh, my favourite. [Takes cake and shuts the door]

Pandora:
Relationships just can't stay the same, can they? Can't always be lovely and lush and not full of weird silences all the time. People can't always be perfect, 'cause that's not real, is it? It's not real 'cause things change. Don't they?

Cook:
[to Freddie] What do you want, my f***ing blood? Cos' you've f***ing taken everything else! You've taken f***ing JJ, and now you're nicking her as well! [Freddie looks confused] She hasn't told you has she? F*** me! I'm so glad I didn't miss this!

Katie:
What's going on?

Cook:
Effy doesn't want me anymore, do you princess?

Effy:
No.

Cook:
You're all such whizzer chums, aren't you? Ain't that right, Eff? Ain't that right, Panda? Panda's been worried lately Eff, says you dont't see each other as much as you used to. That right, Panda, yeah? I said to her, "Cupcake, maybe if you didn't spend as much time with my cock in your mouth..."-

Pandora:
Shut up, shut up, shut up! [grabs Thomas' arm] Thomas, let's go.

Thomas:
Stop. It's fine. I know.

Effy:
Wait. It was one time, right? Your party? [desperately] It was only once, right?! [Pandora cries] I need to sit down.

Cook:
[to Thomas] Umm... sorry slugger. I don't think you heard. Me f***ed your girlfriend, like, multiple times.

Thomas:
What do you want me to say?

Cook:
I don't want you to say anything. Hit me. C'mon, c'mon, hit me!

Thomas:
You're just a sad little boy. [turns away]

Pandora:
Thomas, please. I stopped it. I love you. Just give me a chance-

Thomas:
[yelling] No! I have given you chances and you have not taken them! Time and time again you have lied to me! It's too late now. [quieter] I fell in love with this girl... she was good, she was honest and doughnuts... Now she's gone, and this new one... I don't like her... she makes my heart hurt.[leaves]

Effy:
Hit me.

Fredie:
What?

Effy:
Just once. I wanna feel something.

Katie:
Ruined my f***ing top.

Emily:
I sat your exam for you! You could a least backed me up!

Katie:
I did back you up! I just spent an hour trying to convince mum you made it all up.

Emily:
Well that's f***ing great.

Katie:
Cause you have!

Emily:
What?

Katie:
You just conjured up this thing with Naomi cause, I don't know, you're jelaous of me.

Emily:
Jealous?

Katie:
Yeah jealous, cause I get more boys than you, I look better in clothes than you and I'm more popular than you.

Emily:
F*** off!

Katie:
Yeah I think so, you can't stand it, sad. So can you please stop now before you hurt anybody?

Emily:
F*** off!

Katie:
You're not gay, just stupid...

Emily:
Yeah I'm stupid, I'm stupid cause I don't let anyone f*** me when they're in love with somebodyelse.

Katie:
What?

Emily:
You let Freddie use you and look where it's got you. That's a normal relationship isn't it. She f***ed you up good, didn't she? Nobody hits me over the head with a rock! Loser!

[Katie goes to bed in silence]

Emily:
Katie? Katie look at me. It's still Emily.

[The language of twins]

Katie:
Sham. [Sorry]

Emily:
Huh?

Katie:
Katie sham. [I'm sorry]

Emily:
Why are you talking Twin? We don't do that anymore.

Katie:
Emsy sham doo. [Say you're sorry too]

Emily:
Emsy sham. [Sorry]

James Fitch:
Gordon McPhearson says you call 'em dykes, 'cause you have to stick your finger in 'em.

James Fitch:
[Walks in on Katie changing] Woah! You're naked, bitch!

Katie:
[To Emily] Bumble mumble jimjams! [Kick the shit out of him!]

Katie:
How, how did something like that just happen?

Emily:
He wanted a rumble and so did I.

Katie:
That's not a rumble! That's insanity spelled G-E-E-K! You're such a secretive little cow!

Emily:
What the f***?! Can't I sleep with someone now?

Katie:
That's not someone, he's a mong.

Emily:
Right, well, I felt like having sex with him. I don't have to ask you!

Katie:
Yes you do!

Emily:
What?!

Katie:
You have to ask me! Katie say-go! Katie say-go! [You have to ask Katie!] Not gay; stupid!

Emily:
What do you do when someone you love lets you down? Really f***s you over?

Thomas:
You must try to stop loving them.

Emily:
And is that possible?

Thomas:
[Pause] No, I don't think so.

Emily:
Katie, I can't stand this. I'm a person. I'm not you.

Katie:
I know.

Emily:
You have to understand Katie, I love you and I'll never really leave you but I can't fix this. I like girls. No, I like a girl. No, I love her. Okay? I love... her. [points at Naomi] Okay? [Naomi holds her hand out to Emily]

Katie:
Okay.

[Emily takes Naomi's hand and they leave the dance]

[Outside]

Naomi:
Some party.

Emily:
Eventful.

Naomi:
Yeah. [pause] I love you too.

Emily:
I know.

Cook Senior:
You're too pretty for your own good. That's why you destroy everything you touch.

Effy:
Look who's talking.

Cook Senior:
I'm Guns N' Roses, love. I got an appetite for destruction.

Effy:
You're not his dad. Not really.

Cook Senior:
And you're not his girlfriend, not really. You're gonna f***ing snap that boy's heart in two.

Effy:
And you've been doing it to him every day of his life.

Anthea Stonem:
Are you Effy's friend?

JJ:
I think so. Are you her mum?

Anthea:
[nods] Can I sit? [sits down] JJ, right? The magician?

JJ:
Oh, I used to do magic. Not anymore though.

Anthea:
I used to be married, not anymore though.

[JJ draws a deck of cards from his pocket]

JJ:
Pick a card, any card.

Anthea:
I thought you gave up.

JJ:
Some things are quite hard to let go of.

Anthea:
Effy likes magic.

JJ:
Are you sure?

Anthea:
Well yeah, not the, you know, stupid abracadabra sort... I... I'm so sorry.

JJ:
It's okay. I've come to terms with the facts.

Anthea:
You know, she was four years old the first time she beat me at hide and seek. Four. I was looking for her for hours. When I finally found her she just smiled. You know, that Effy smile that means "you don't know me at all, you never will". See that's a kind of magic. She's so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding.

JJ:
Yeah.

Anthea:
I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much.

JJ:
Now let's get down to it. No more evasion. No more "Oooh, I'm so fit and mysterious". Now Freddie: he's in love with you, aren't you Freddie? Aren't you Freddie? [Freddie nods] Cook: he loves you, yes? [Cook looks down] And just for the record, I love you too. And I won the race. So: three boys, one girl. It's an insoluble equation, unless you choose and we can finally get back to our lives.

Freddie:
It's all your fault, you made this happen. You made it all a game first, remember that stupid f***ing list?

Effy:
I know.

Freddie:
You know? What sort of f***ing answer's that?

Effy:
The only one I've got.

Freddie:
[to Effy, Cook and JJ] So... what do we do now? [Closing line]