South Park, Season 18

[at South Park's Community Center, where all adults gather for a meeting with Dr. John Garner]

John Garner:
Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.

Randy:
[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?

John Garner:
People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?

Mr. Garrison:
Yes, thank you!

John Garner:
Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.

[There was a short pause]

Mr. Mackey:
Then eat it!

John Garner:
Excuse me?

Mr. Mackey:
If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?

John Garner:
Yeah. Alright. [Sips the gluten up. After a few seconds he contorts and groans in pain, burns began to appear throughout his body. The audience began to panic, then his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out and soon launches itself like a rocket]

Mr. Mackey:
Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off.

[In the midst of panic and chaos, the people leave the Community Center. Dr. John Garner's body deflates behind while his penis flies above them]

USDA Leader:
Okay, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and tell people what is and what isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us people would be eating dirt and chairs!

Worker:
Oh Jesus.

Shelley:
Beer is all wheat, Dad!

Randy:
Shut up, beer is bad for you?

[Papa John's (Gluten Quarantine Center 1), Stan approaches]

Stan:
Dad? Dad!

Randy:
[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?

Stan:
Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you is Lorde's uncle or something?

Randy:
I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?

Stan:
Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?

Randy:
How's your mom? Your, your sister?

Soldier:
[walks up next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're, you're gonna have to go.

Stan:
No, no, no, not yet. DAD!

Randy:
That's my son, you bastard!

Soldier:
I'm sorry, all right?

Stan:
Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!

Randy:
Stan!

Stan:
Let me talk to my dad!

Randy:
STAN!!!

Blond:
They're just gonna let us starve to death?

Randy:
They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.

Blond:
[makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]

Mr. Garrison:
There's nothing left, I told you!

Blond:
There's plenty of pizza dough.

Randy:
Are you crazy?!

Blond:
I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... F**k it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]

Randy:
Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.

Blond:
You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!

Mr. Garrison:
A setup? But by who?

Randy:
Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.

Blond:
Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]

Randy:
Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]

Radio Host:
Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?

Cartman:
Yeah, you know, diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.

[Deleted Scene]

Cartman:
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?

Kyle:
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?

Cartman:
The playground's burned down, dude.

Kenny:
[muffled] Yeah.

Cartman:
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!

Stan:
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"

Clyde:
Because that's what you said.

Stan:
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!

Clyde:
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?

Stan:
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!

Clyde:
You're the asshole!

Kyle:
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.

Clyde:
Kind of like your start-up company.

[Kyle punches Clyde after a short pause]

Token:
Kyle just hit Clyde!

Jimmy:
Get him!

[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; later in Mr. Mackey's office]

Mr. Mackey:
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?

Clyde:
Huh?

Mr. Mackey:
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?

Clyde:
I packed a lunch.

E! Announcer:
You're watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.

Wendy:
What the hell do you think you're doing?

Cartman:
I'm going to the potty.

Wendy:
This is the girls' bathroom!

Cartman:
All right, I need to tell you something, Wendy: I'm transginger.

Wendy:
What?

Cartman:
Did you notice the bow? I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice, now get out of my way. I have to take a shit.

[Cartman is sent to Principal Victoria's office and she confronts him about using the girls' bathroom]

Principal Victoria:
I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls' bathroom.

Cartman:
Because I'm transgender. I looked it up, that means I can use the girls' shitter.

Principal Victoria:
You are not transgender, Eric. You don't even know what that means.

Cartman:
Yeah-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl.

Principal Victoria:
All right. Well, if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?

Cartman:
That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.

Principal Victoria:
All right, listen, Eric…

Cartman:
Erica.

Principal Victoria:
Listen, Eric. You must know why we can't have you in the girls' bathroom.

Cartman:
All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.

Principal Victoria:
With the what?

Principal Victoria:
[enters the girls' bathroom] Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.

Cartman:
I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria. The cisgenders have the problem.

Russian Cab Driver:
Nobody takes jobs away from us! We need to speak to mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business!

Muslim Cab Driver:
Or maybe we can have the police shut them down.

Mimsy:
Hey, I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer and try to be better to your customers so you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the market place?

Nathan:
How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy?

Mimsy:
Dah, I don't know, boss.

Nathan:
These are supposed to be men who care about their occupation.

Mimsy:
Dah, maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be trying to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of natural selection where more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. DEEERRR!

[Deleted Scene; The Marshes and Broflovskis are all at the Stotch residence, barricading and boarding up the house]

Gerald:
All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Stephen:
Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

Sharon:
[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

Linda:
There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan:
Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Stephen:
Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Gerald:
Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle:
About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Randy:
Tell them, Stephen.

Stephen:
[walks to the table] You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the "Wacky Races."

Randy:
A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Gerald:
Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

Stephen:
I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to cry as Linda comforts him]

Randy:
For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

Stephen:
[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

Cartman:
You wanna take it out for a spin?

Butters:
Are you crazy? This is my dad's drone!

Cartman:
Do you have any idea how much fun we could have with this thing? We could spy on everyone!

Butters:
My dad said it's not for spying on people.

Cartman:
Butters, that's all drones are for.

[Stotch Residence; Thomas Tucker angrily bangs on the front door and Stephen comes to answer it]

Thomas:
You got a problem, Stotch?!

Stephen:
What are you talking about?

Thomas:
You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!

Stephen:
Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.

Thomas:
Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!

Stephen:
I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, sure enough, the drone and its controller are on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.

Thomas:
So... so you flew it back here in time?

Stephen:
I swear I didn't fly it.

Thomas:
Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]

[Elementary School; Craig goes through his locker as Jimmy, Token, and Clyde walk up to him]

Jimmy:
Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [chuckles with Token and Clyde; Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards them]

Craig:
What are you talking about?

Jimmy:
Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.

Craig:
For what?

Jimmy:
Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.

[Butters angrily comes out of nowhere and shoves Cartman into the boys' bathroom, slamming him into the stall 1 wall]

Butters:
What the heck are you doing?!

Cartman:
Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.

Butters:
WHY DID YOU PUT CRAIG'S MOM'S BUSH ON THE INTERNET?!

Laura:
Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005? It's not that weird.

Thomas:
It's okay, honey.

Stephen:
Please do not adjust your televisions! My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom… was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over 300,000,000 views, so if none of us watched it, who did? We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!

Kyle:
We have to find a way to get the word out. People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems. There has to be a way we can get to the news company and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we can disguise ourselves as something ridiculous...

Cartman:
[uses his phone] It's done.

Kyle:
Wha-what's done?

Cartman:
The word is out. Terrance and Phillip hired pushers to make money off addicts. I Tweeted it. It's trending.

Minister of Mobile Gaming:
And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cashings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency...

Prince of Canada:
So they'll forget they're spending money.

Minister of Mobile Gaming:
...and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.

Phillip:
We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade just at least be fun?

Minister of Mobile Gaming:
No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun.

Stephen:
There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?

Butters:
Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!

Stephen:
I know that. What do you…?

Butters:
This is for all the times I got grounded! [socks his father in the groin]

Stephen:
[doubles over in pain] OHHH! OOH! OOH!

Butters:
HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [through walkie-talkie] Ha, ha! How do you like that, Dad?!

Linda:
[through walkie-talkie; horrified] Butters, why?! Oh, my God!

Butters:
[through walkie-talkie] Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.

Cartman:
Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?

Butters:
I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!

Cartman:
Wait, hang on Butters!

Butters:
Take that, you damn hooker!

Hooker:
[through walkie-talkie] What you doin' motherfucker?!

Butters:
I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.

Cartman:
Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destabilizing!

Butters:
I can't… I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh… I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!

[Hell's Pass Hospital]

Dr. Carroll:
You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.

Butters:
I… I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah, I thought I was just in a virtual reality.

Dr. Carroll:
No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.

Butters:
Aw, nuts!

Dr. Carroll:
Try and relax, and when your parents get here, we'll sort this all out.

Butters:
Wonder how long I'm grounded for.

Stephen:
Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. [shouting to upstairs] You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded, you can just go to bed hungry! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What… what did he do?

Linda:
Oh, I don't know, Stephen. I let you handle all the groundings.

Stephen:
It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet…yet he is grounded. [a thump is heard from upstairs; shouting again] And no bouncing a racquetball, either!

Steve:
Ooooohhhhh, fuuuuuuck yooouuuuu!

Steve:
No, no, no, no, no, no, do not fuck me because I am you and then we will be just fucking ourselves!

[As Stan takes off the headset, the scene changes to live-action]

Kyle:
So, aside from all the bull crap, what'd you think of the Oculus?

Stan:
It's pretty cool. But the graphics suck.

[End credits roll]

Butters:
[enters the room, hopping] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.

[Deleted scene]

Kyle:
Butters, listen to me. This is going to be a little jarring for you, okay? But you need to listen. Are you listening?

Butters:
Yes.

Kyle:
That fat piece of shit is lying to you. [Butters opens the envelope that says, "Open if you talk to Kyle", unfolds a piece of paper that says, "That fat piece of shit is lying to you." and screams] Butters? Butters?

Cartman:
What should we name him, Kenny? I know, how about McNuggets?

Stan:
[to the girls' volleyball coach] Dude, girls volleyball isn't a joke; jokes are hard and require skill.

[Deleted Scene; Stan walks up to Wendy, putting her stuff in her locker]

Stan:
Hey, I'm sorry. I seriously had no idea you'd even played volleyball.

Wendy:
Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it, Stan? You don't pay attention to anything I talk about. Heather was right.

Stan:
Who's Heather?

Wendy:
Wow. Really? [slams her locker shut and walks away]

Stan:
Shit.

[Pepsi Center; Miley Cyrus is the first to perform for the Women of Rock concert]

Stagehand:
All right guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea, who will be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. Have a great show, ladies!

Randy:
Hey, uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work.

Producer:
You're nervous, it's understandable.

Randy:
No, I'm eh… I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.

Producer:
You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit.

Randy:
Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!

Iggy:
Oh, fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!

Randy:
No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models.

Iggy:
That's easy for you to say because YOU don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!

Randy:
Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you.

Iggy:
'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!

Randy:
FUCK YOU!

Stan:
Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?

Randy:
I was told to.

Sharon:
You were told to walk out in front of 100,000 people, including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit?

Randy:
Okay, hold on. "A," I don't have a clit, so, technically, I wasn't rubbing anything. And "B," I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!

Stan:
[annoyed] Pff. [gets up from his seat and leaves the dining room, and so does Sharon, leaving Randy by himself alone]

Old Man on the Bus:
Oh, you're a hunter; what do you prey upon?

Michael Jackson's Hologram:
Nobody! That's ignorant!

Old Man on the Bus:
Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?

Michael Jackson's Hologram:
Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!

Old Man on the Bus:
You know, excuse me for saying so, but... you seem kind of transparent.

Michael Jackson's Hologram:
That's ignorant, I'm just cold.

Old Man on the Bus:
I'm saying, it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.

Michael Jackson's Hologram:
Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation, can we please stop talking? Please! Ignorant.

Randy:
I love children just as much as you do.

Michael Jackson's Hologram:
Allegedly! That was a civil suit and there was no evidence! It's ignorant.