South Park, Season 26

[Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch Kyle and Tolkien's TikTok on Stan's phone, all perplexed]

Cartman:
What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this? You guys notice that Kyle and Tolkien are doing everything together, lately?

Stan:
Yeah, they're quite the little team, aren't they?

Cartman:
Hey, Stan. Guess what? I have some good news for you.

Stan:
What?

Cartman:
A little magic fairy told me that you and Kyle are gonna get back together soon.

Stan:
I don't care that Kyle is making TikToks with Tolkien.

Cartman:
Yes, you do. But don't worry, Stan. It's almost Valentine's Day. And the little angel on my shoulder says that Kyle is gonna come running back to you any minute!

Clyde:
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?

Kyle:
Yeah, what's up?

Clyde:
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.

Kyle:
What?

Clyde:
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?

Kyle:
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]

Clyde:
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.

Scott:
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!

Clyde:
How'd I frack up the pitch?!

Scott:
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!

Clyde:
The guy has guns for hands!

Kyle:
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.

Tolkien:
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.

Kyle:
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.

Tolkien:
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.

Kyle:
What's that supposed to mean?

Tolkien:
Just means you're in charge.

Kyle:
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?

Tolkien:
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.

Kyle:
You're sick of hearing it?

Tolkien:
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.

Kyle:
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.

Tolkien:
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?

Kyle:
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?

Tolkien:
What does that have to do with anything?

Kyle:
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…

Tolkien:
'Cause I'm like what? Black?

Cartman:
Oh my God, this is so awesome.

Kyle:
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.

Tolkien:
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.

Kyle:
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!

Tolkien:
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!

Kyle:
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!

Tolkien:
Good!

Kyle:
Good!

[They both angrily go their separate ways]

Cupid Ye:
What are you waiting for? Let's jack up these mofos!

Kyle:
Holy shit!

Tolkien:
What the heck is that?!

Cartman:
[off-screen] CUPID YE!!! [the kids all turn around and stare at him; shaking a bottle of pills] Time to take your meds.

Officer:
[answering the phone] Park Country Police Station. What's your emergency?

Kyle:
[on the phone] Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks and it's 10:30 at night!

Officer:
Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife, who just want to be left alone?

Kyle:
Yes! They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand! [looks outside from his window] Oh, God damn it, now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!

Jimmy:
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.

Kyle:
Do you like it?

Jimmy:
Uh, sure.

Kyle:
Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?

Jimmy:
Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.

Kyle:
What?!

[Outside on the playground, all the kids gather around and watch and Bebe, beating up Butters to a bloody pulp]

Bebe:
[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!

Kyle:
[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!

Bebe:
I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!

Butters:
Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.

Bebe:
WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!

Butters:
You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!

Kyle:
Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!

Butters:
Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.

Kyle:
Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.

Bebe:
You're lucky he saved your ass!

Butters:
Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

[In the living room, Shelley is on her phone while Stan watches Randy play Hogwarts Legacy]

Randy:
See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

Stan:
Yeah, can I do it?

Randy:
Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

Sharon:
[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!

Randy:
Did you jiggle the handle?

Sharon:
Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!

Randy:
Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?

Sharon:
I didn't do anything.

Randy:
Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]

Sharon:
[quickly closes the lid] No! Don't lift the lid!

Randy:
Why can't I lift the lid?

Sharon:
Don't, Randy!

Randy:
Uh-huh. [peeks out to his two kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!

Stan:
[disgusted] Ew!

Shelley:
Gross, Dad!

Sharon:
Randy, we need to get a new toilet.

Randy:
We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.

Sharon:
This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]

Randy:
Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.

Sharon:
[as the Japanese toilet is being installed in the powder room] That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

Randy:
Oh, Sharon. Tenn-ish.

Sharon:
What's tenn-ish?

Randy:
Tenn-ish. Thousand-ish. Ten thousand-ish.

Sharon:
[shocked in anger] You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!

Randy:
Yeah, we do.

Stan:
Hey, Clyde, can I talk to you?

Clyde:
Sure, bro.

Stan:
Well, um, Wendy just came up to me and was acting all hurt 'cause she think I don't care about her.

Clyde:
[closes his locker] Uh-huh.

Stan:
And she said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like… how do you do it?

Clyde:
ChatGPT, dude.

Stan:
ChatGPT?

Clyde:
Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use 'em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks. Here. Check it out. There's tons of ChatGPT apps for your phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second. "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much. [his phone buzzes, getting another text from Bebe] Jesus Christ! [reads her text] "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There. [copy and pastes Bebe's latest text, responding, "No problem! I'm glad you feel supported whether you do it or not."] All done with her stupid shit.

Stan:
This is a real app?

Clyde:
It'll completely change your life, bro.

[Mr. Garrison's residence; Rick is cooking up dinner while Mr. Garrison is grading essays]

Mr. Garrison:
Ugh. Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!

Rick:
What's the matter?

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read 'em all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've just taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.

Cartman:
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?

Butters:
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.

Cartman:
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.

Butters:
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.

Cartman:
I want a bank account.

Stan:
I didn't know kids could get jobs.

Cartman:
This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it.

Field Reporter:
Tom, I'm standing out front of a Colorado icon, the old Coney Island Hot Dog, where the owners plan to reopen soon. The hot dog stand is going through major renovations and the new name has just been announced, DikinBaus Hot Dogs is sure to be a big hit here in town.

[McCormick residence; Cartman and Kenny are watching the news and burst out laughing at the new restaurant name]

Cartman:
[laughing] He said it! We got him to say dick and balls!

Field Reporter:
[holding a plate with a hot dog] The owners say they're planning on all kinds of rides and games. And also, with each hot dog served here at DikinBaus Hot Dogs, they actually use the ketchup to put a nice little smiley face on the plate. It's just their sort of trademark touch. The renovations are supposed to be finished soon and the new owners are inviting everyone to come on down, enjoy, and let DikinBaus put a smile on your buns.

Butters:
Are you guys just playing around?

Cartman:
No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.

Butters:
Then why did you name it DikinBaus?

Cartman:
Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.

Butters:
Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back.

Cartman:
[mocking Butters] "So stop dicking around and wasting my money." Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.

[Stotch residence; Butters returns home from work, exhausted, and finds his parents in the living room]

Stephen:
[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?

Butters:
Oh. Hey, Mom and Dad.

Stephen:
You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.

Butters:
Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.

Stephen:
A long night, he says. That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' bank account] $0 in your bank account?!

[Linda starts weeping]

Butters:
[shocked with horror] What?!

Stephen:
So now what are you really doing, young man?

Butters:
$0?! But I've been working every day!

Stephen:
Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.

Linda:
[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!

Stephen:
And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]

Butters:
[enraged] That son of a gun!

Benny:
Well, congratulations, young man. DikinBaus Hot Dogs is a big success and here's your first return on your investment. [gives Butters his paycheck] I'm sure there's many more to come.

Butters:
Oh, I made my money back, huh?

Benny:
Now what I'm thinking, Butters, is that we should grow your business by applying for a corporate loan, which could pay you dividends as you expand the company into new areas.

Butters:
Yeah, I wasn't thinking that. See, all I ever wanted was just to do my job, learn how to work, and help Mr. Sullivan sell ice cream. So, I'm thinking I'm actually going to conduct a market analysis to look for potential buyers and roll over the company as an exit strategy.

Benny:
Well, you could do that but I think you'd have trouble getting investors who will commit major capital for just partial ownership.

Butters:
Yeah. So that's why I want to approach overseas investors who will buy the IP, the restaurant operations, and the real estate outright.

Benny:
But you couldn't do that because there's already tenants in the building who have to be relocated.

Butters:
Yeah, I thought of that too. Come on in.

Liane:
Hello.

Benny:
Wait, so you two have already discussed some kind of deal?

Liane:
Oh, yes. Butters and I have been talking and we think that my little Eric deserves to get exactly what he's been wanting for a long time.

[As Liane and her son move back to their old house…]

Liane:
There you go, Eric. It's your old room just like you always wanted.

Cartman:
[sobbing in protest] But I hate this stupid house! I don't want to be here! I want to be in DIKINBAUS!!! DikinBaus is awesome! This place sucks! PLEASE!! [Liane leaves as he tearfully hyperventilates] I want--I WANT--DIKIN...BAAAUUUUSS!!!! I want my DikinBaus! DIKINBAUS! DIKINBAAAUUUS!!!!!

[At Tegridy Farms, Sharon and Shelley have all their stuff packed for their spring break trip in Santa Fe, leaving Randy and Stan alone together]

Randy:
Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?

Sharon:
Yeah, that should be all of it.

Randy:
Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.

Sharon:
I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.

Randy:
You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!

Sharon:
There should be food enough to last you the week.

Randy:
Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.

Sharon:
Bye, Stan! Love you!

Stan:
Love you, Mom!

Randy:
Okay, guys, be safe!

Sharon:
Bye!

Randy:
Aww, yeah! Bitches are gone! [strips in his underwear] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week! Bro, what are you doing?

Stan:
[painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table] I'm painting miniatures.

Randy:
Painting min… Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!

Stan:
Whatever I want?

Randy:
Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!

Stan:
Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?

Randy:
Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?

Stan:
You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?

Randy:
Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.

Stan:
Really? All week?

Randy:
Yeah, dude! You're old enough.

Stan:
Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!

Female officer:
We've had some complaints about a party that's been going on for three days here.

Randy:
Hey, what's going on? Alright guys, who ordered the stripper?

Female officer:
Can we come in and look around, sir?

Randy:
Oh, yeah! Come on in! Honk, honk!

Female officer:
Alright, get down on the ground!

Randy:
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.

Female officer:
[tazes Randy and handcuffs him] I need to see some ID, sir.

Randy:
Ah! Okay, okay! Stan! Stan!

Stan:
Yeah?

Randy:
Can you get my wallet from upstairs?

Stan:
Yeah, as soon as we're done with this psyker phase. I have five psyker units.

Randy:
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing!

Captial Police Officer:
(Sees the crowd storming the Captial saying "I love Rick!") Oh crap. Here we go again!

Stan:
Oh. Hey, Mom.

Sharon:
Stanley, what have I told you about playing "Warhammer" on the table?

Stan:
Aw!