South Park, Season 2

Announcer:
Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen Tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

[Terrance farts]

Phillip:
Terrance, you farted in court.

Terrance:
Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.

Scott:
Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance.

Terrance:
Would you like a 'Monkey Claw', Phillip?

Phillip:
Yes please. [Terrance farts]

Terrance:
That's called the 'Monkey Claw', because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.

Phillip:
The 'Monkey Claw' is smelly.

Scott:
I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip:
Cancer?

Scott:
Yes, in the head!

Terrance:
Head cancer?

Scott:
This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!

Terrance:
Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip:
Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance:
...But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip:
We're not?

Scott:
I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip:
What are you doing, Scott?

Scott:
I'm wishing cancer upon you!

Phillip:
Cancer?!

Scott:
That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance:
[hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Phillip:
Hey, Don't give me cancer!

Scott:
What are you idiots doing?

Terrance:
We're looking for treasure.

Scott:
Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

Phillip:
No, we're searching for treasure.

Scott:
I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!

[Kenny appears out of nowhere]

Stan:
[blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey, Kenny.

Kenny:
Oh, my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle:
You bastards!

Mayor:
Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?

Nurse:
When was the fetus conceived?

Mrs. Cartman:
Eight years ago.

Nurse:
So that would make the fetus-

Mrs. Cartman:
Eight years old.

Nurse:
That places you in what we call 'the 40th Trimester'.

Doctor:
Well, this is about all I can do for him.

Cartman:
Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.

Doctor:
Sorry, son, it might be a while.

Cartman:
[bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around] Wake up, you son of a bitch!

Chef:
Whoa!

Doctor:
Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.

Mr. Garrison:
Can't go on... So hungry...

Mayor McDaniels:
We're all going to die in this horrible place.

Uncle Jimbo:
We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.

Film Director:
How can we? How could we live with ourselves?

Uncle Jimbo:
There's only one answer: Eat Eric Roberts.

Mayor McDaniels:
Yes, of course! Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.

Mr. Garrison:
Eat Eric Roberts!

[they all together walk towards Eric Roberts]

Eric Roberts:
No! No, please!

[cut to commercial...]

[Eric Robert's mutilated corpse is visible. The other characters in the studio are feasting on his remains.]

Mayor McDaniels:
Well, there's no going back now. We're cannibals! God save us...

Uncle Jimbo:
God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!

Uncle Jimbo:
We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.

Film Director:
What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?

Mr. Garrison:
It's over! We're free!

Officer Barbrady:
Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?

Uncle Jimbo:
Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.

Mayor McDaniels:
But how will we live with ourselves now?

Ned:
One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.

[Schubert's 'Ave Maria' plays as the camera zooms back]

Mr. Garrison:
Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?

Cartman:
Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?

Narrator:
Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?

Cartman:
AGH, FORGET IT!

[Officer Barbarady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]

Officer Barbarady:
Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.

Officer Barbarady:
Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle:
Hooray for Barbarady!

Cartman:
For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison:
No, I can't say I have.

Cartman:
Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison:
And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman:
God damn it!!

Mayor:
The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle:
Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady:
Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "Chicken Lover."

Mayor's assistant:
This time, he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady:
Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

Randy Marsh:
Uh...yes, officer?

Cartman:
I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?

Randy:
Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.

Cartman:
Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy:
Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman:
Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy:
Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Cartman:
Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!

Randy:
Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!

Cartman:
Get your ass to jail!

Randy:
Ow! Hey, what the heck're you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!

Cartman:
Sweet.

Stan:
Boo!

Mr. Mackey:
Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan:
[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey:
That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle:
[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

[the boys laugh]

Man in Passing Car:
Hey, Mackey, now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: "D'oh-pe" [laughs]

Mr. Mackey:
I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!

Dr. Schwartz:
His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.

Kyle:
[horrified] No. No, it's not possible.

Dr. Schwartz:
We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.

Stan:
Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.

Cartman:
Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!

Kyle:
You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Stan:
Yeah!

Kyle:
And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.

Stan:
Naturally.

Cartman:
Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!

Woman:
[after seeing Ike] Oh, look, honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.

Cartman:
The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.

[Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]

Sharon Marsh:
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan:
[screaming] No! I have to get it out!

Cartman:
My mom says there are lots of black people in China.

Cartman:
I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle stare at him] Ah, screw you guys..!

Nurse Gollum:
Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.

Gerald Broflovski:
Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?

Chinese Announcer:
It's number...aw, who cares. Arr Americans rook arike.

Stan:
Ready, you guys?

Cartman/Kyle:
Ready!

Stan:
Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]

Cartman:
[mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!

Stan:
Cut! Cartman!

Cartman:
What?

Stan:
It's supposed to be a frog!

Cartman:
I know that!

Stan:
Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

Cartman:
[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!

Kyle:
Der, Cartman!

Cartman:
Der yourself, hippie!

Kyle:
Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.

Stan:
Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?

Cartman:
I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Stan:
Action!

Cartman:
Screw you guys...

Mrs. Crabtree:
BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!

Stan:
Hey, Cartman!

Cartman:
What?

Stan:
Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?

Cartman:
[finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.

Kyle:
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!

Cartman:
Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.

Stan:
Give us some, Cartman!

Ms. Crabtree:
[turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!

Kyle:
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.

Stan:
Dude, the road is always snowy.

Kyle:
I know, but, it's really snowy today.

Cartman:
[now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]

Stan:
Shut up, Cartman!

Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]

Stan:
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle:
Oh, she would, dude. She would.

[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]

Mrs. Crabtree:
GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Stan:
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.

Cartman:
[exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.

Kyle:
Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!

Mrs. Crabtree:
[spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Kids:
Aaggh!

Kyle:
I'm scared!

Mrs. Crabtree:
Be quiet, kid!

[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]

All:
Aggghhhh!

Cartman:
[finished his cake] All gone.

Mrs. Crabtree:
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]

Mrs. Crabtree:
Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters:
Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!

Kyle:
Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.

Mrs. Crabtree:
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle:
I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."

Mrs. Crabtree:
Oh.

Mr. Garrison:
Hello children, how is your summer going?

Stan:
Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle:
Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan:
That's good.

Mr. Garrison:
Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle:
Yep.

Mr. Garrison:
Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan:
Right.

[Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]

Toddler Stan:
Oh gosh, killed Kenny!

Toddler Kyle:
Oo bastoods!

[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the gargantuan firework snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all in Blackface]

Chef:
Okay, everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]

Jimbo:
Holy crap, what the heck is that?

Ned:
It looks like my ex-wife!

[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]

Chef:
Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya. [hangs up, goes back to singing]

[The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]

Stan:
Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!

Kyle:
I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.

Stan:
I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

Kyle:
Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!

Cartman:
Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan:
Jesus, Cartman!

Cartman:
[his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

Cartman:
No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[from one of the independent films]

Cowboy:
Hey Tom, you got any pudding?

Tom:
You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.

Cowboy:
Well, what should we do now?

Tom:
Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman:
I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Chef:
[singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Suck my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

[Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]

Chef:
My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!

Kyle:
You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

Chef:
You're damn right.

Cartman:
That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.

[pause]

Kyle:
Well?

Cartman:
I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Cartman:
Aw, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Stuart:
Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!

Cartman:
[mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.

Shelley:
Serves you right, you little brat!

Stan:
Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]

Shelley:
If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

[...]

Stan:
I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!

Shelley:
We're watching this!

Stan:
Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

Kyle:
Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?

Cartman:
I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.

Stan:
Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.

Kyle:
Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.

Cartman:
She what?!

Stan:
It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.

Cartman:
That bitch! I'm going to go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!

Kyle:
No, no, no. Come on fat-boy, we're going to get them all back.

Randy:
Will he be okay out of the hospital?

Dr. Doctor:
Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.

Sharon:
DIE!??

Dr. Doctor:
Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.

Randy:
Okay, well well, let's go look—

Dr. Doctor:
As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.

Sharon:
Oh God, no!!

Randy:
I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.

Dr. Doctor:
Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

[Gerald is reading Kyle's essay]

Kyle:
[voiceover] "My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.

Gerald:
WHAT!?

Kyle:
[voiceover] If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End.

Gerald:
Oh God, what have I done?

Cartman:
Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after he picks his nose]

Liane:
Don't pick your nose, hon.

Cartman:
GOD DAMN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!

Roy:
Stan, you want to help me cut some firewood?

Stan:
We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough to last twelve years!

Roy:
[tormented] When will you let me in? Let me love you! [normal] Now get your ass out here and help me!

Stan:
You suck now, Cartman. And to be honest, If you want to play America vs. Bosnia, why don't you just play with Kenny.

Kyle:
Yeah. I'll bet he would like it.

Cartman:
That's fine! I like playing America vs. Bosnia with Kenny! I'll play with him every single day!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman:
What?

Sharon Marsh:
What are you doing, sweetheart?

Stan:
Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--

Sharon Marsh:
You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your god damn cookie!

[she leaves]

Stan:
Okay.

Wendy:
Kiss Bebe on the lips.

Kyle:
What? I'm not kissing a girl!

Stan:
Don't be a chicken dude, just close your eyes.

[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]

Kyle:
Sick! Fucking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the tree house, Bebe stares]

Bebe:
Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!

[Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]

Mr. Garrison:
Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?

Stan:
No, I just--

Mr. Garrison:
Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!

Stan:
I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--

Mr. Garrison:
Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.

Stan:
But I didn't write the note!

Cartman:
Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.

Stan:
Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison:
Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!

Stan:
"Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

Mr. Mackey:
Now, young man, uh... ...school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.

Stan:
What's skylarkings?

Mr. Mackey:
You know, like tomfooleries.

Stan:
Who?

[Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door and open Mr. Mackey's door]

Mr. Mackey:
Oh, your parents are here.

[Randy and Sharon enter]

Stan:
Oh, no.

Mr. Mackey:
Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.

Randy:
Stanley, I... Skylarkings?

Mr. Mackey:
Yeahm'kay?

Randy:
Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.

Sharon:
Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.

Stan:
It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.

Mr. Mackey:
Okay, Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.

Sharon:
You really should know better, Stanley.

Randy:
You need to shape up, mister.

Sharon:
[To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I?--

Randy:
[A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.

Sharon:
There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.

Mr. Mackey:
Okay, uh -- perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want you to be...

Randy:
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!

[the boys have decided to enter Cartman into a bull riding contest]

Cartman:
What the hell makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"

Kyle:
[throttling Cartman by his neck, through gritted-in-fury teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN!!!

Officer Barbrady:
Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars get started.

Stan:
Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.

Officer Barbrady:
Barbrady.

Stan:
Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?

Officer Barbrady:
You said "Buttbaby".

Chef:
Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!

Kyle:
Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!

Cartman:
No it isn't, you guys.

[repeated line]

Record Exec:
I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

Johnnie Cochran:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran:
Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]

Kyle:
Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?

Shop Owner:
Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.

Stan:
So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?

Shop Owner:
Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.

Kyle:
Why?

Shop Owner:
Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle:
Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?

Kenny:
Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]

Cartman:
What the heck is that?

Kenny:
It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends Through thick and thin, we've always been together Four of kind, having fun all day Palling around, and laughing away Just best friends, best friends are we! I love you, guys.

Kitty:
Meow.

Cartman:
No Kitty, this is my pot pie!

Kitty:
Meow.

Cartman:
NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY!!!

Evil Cartman:
Who's my Kitty? Who's my Mr. Kitty? My fluffy old pal? Yes, that's a guy, that's my Mr. Kitty, yes.

Cartman:
... NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!!! [Kitty runs away, much to Evil Cartman's shock] Ha ha, you suck dude.

Randy:
Sharon,

Sharon:
Yes Hun?

Randy:
There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.

Sharon:
Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.

Randy:
Why did you take his pants off?

Sharon doesn't reply

Randy:
... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?

Cartman:
[singing] You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!

Kyle:
Damn it!

Cartman:
[coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!

Kyle:
Yeah, they do!

Stan:
All families suck ass!

Reporter:
This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.

George Bailey:
You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?

Kid:
I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.

Kyle:
That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.

Cartman:
How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]

Elvin:
Mr. Hankey kicks ass!

Cartman:
And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!

Kyle:
So?

Cartman:
So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?

Kyle:
Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]

Manson:
[to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?

Kenny:
(Okay) [they walk off]

Stan:
I really like that guy.

Cartman:
Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.

[Elvin looks at his hands and actually realize that he finished his fudgesicle, then begins to cry, demanding another one]

Cartman:
Ah damnit, be quiet, Elvin!

[Elvin is still crying]

Cartman:
Shut up, Elvin!

[grabs a stick from out of nowhere and hits him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink]

Cartman:
No, Elvin, BAD Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]

Stan:
Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so...

Tweek [anxiously twitching]:
Uuuunnnnhh! Unh, unh, unh, ur-hmm! Urr-hmm-hmm!

Tweek:
Aah!! Too much pressure!!

Stan:
Great. Lotta help you are, kid.

Tweek:
The Gnomes!

Stan:
What?

Tweek:
We can do our report on the Gnomes.

Underpants Gnome:
Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!

Mr. Tweek:
Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.

Mr. Postum:
And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!

[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]

Cartman:
You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?

Kenny:
Fuck you!

Cartman:
Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.

[An Underpants Gnomes's cart has just flattened Kenny]

Stan:
[rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.

Kyle:
[same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!

Underpants Gnome:
Holy shoot, we killed your friend!

Stan:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got to know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!

Underpants Gnome:
Christ, we squished him like a bug!

Kyle:
Shh. Don't scare him.

Stan:
Hey, there, little guy.

Cartman:
BAD. [hits the Underpants Gnome with a stick]

Kyle:
Cartman!

Cartman:
What?!

Kyle:
Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?

Cartman:
Well look at him. He's all... look at him. [hits the Gnome with the stick again]

Underpants Gnome:
Is that all you got, pussy?

Cartman:
What?!

Stan:
Hey, he talked!

Gnome:
Not much longer now....

Cartman:
Oh, you're taking us to your little pussy house?

Gnome:
No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village!

Cartman:
Oh, your pussy village?

Stan:
Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?

Stan:
Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!

Kenny:
[muffled] You bastard!

Cartman:
Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!

Stan:
Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!

Cartman:
Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!

Australian Outback Guy:
[examining dirt] I think he came through here recently.

Cartman:
[imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.

Government Agent 1:
Well where the heck is he? We have to get him back to the lab!

Dr. Mephisto:
He can't function out here in our time!

Australian Outback Guy:
Calm down, calm down!

Cartman:
[imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!

Cartman:
[lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!

Kyle:
[about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!

Stan:
His name is Gorak!

Larry:
My name is Larry.