South Park, Season 8

Cartman:
Parents? Parents? [begins a fake sob] OH GOD! [sobs loudly and turns away]

Cartman:
You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.

Kyle:
You don't know anything about Jews, fat ass!

[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star]

Kyle:
Stop, dude! You're going to scramble his brain!

Cartman:
Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.

[Butters changes into Professor Chaos]

Butters:
Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! [laughs evilly]

[he stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent]

Mrs. Stotch:
Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?

Butters:
Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.

Mrs. Stotch:
Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.

Butters:
[normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.

Jimmy:
What-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?

Cartman:
We're twice the ninjas you fags are!

Kyle:
We were taking him to the vet until you fracked it all up! Butters!

Craig:
Was he bleeding?

Cartman:
[uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!

Craig:
Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!

Stan:
No, dude! You got to help us find him!

Craig:
To hell with that!

Cartman:
We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Animal Shelter Worker:
Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [notices the open kennel] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [sighs, moves towards another dog] Oh, well, let's murder one of these other dogs.

Chef:
Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.

Kyle:
Yeah, we know.

Kyle:
Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.

Cartman:
Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try.

Kyle:
Goddamn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!

Stan:
Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!

Cartman:
I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Kyle:
No, asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?

Cartman:
I have the power to have all the powers I want.

Kyle:
That doesn't count, fat boy!

Stan:
Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't get to have any powers!

[Cartman whines]

Cartman:
Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!

Kyle:
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!

Cartman:
Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!

Kyle:
[is turned into a chicken] Goddamn it, Cartman!

Cartman:
[sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.

Butters:
Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.

Stan:
Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!

Kenny:
[muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]

Butters:
[Wailing cry]

Cartman:
Oh, shit, dude!

Stan:
Butters! Oh, my God!

[Butters continues screaming]

Stan:
Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!

Kyle:
What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!

Kenny:
[muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.

Butters:
IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!

Kyle:
Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.

Cartman:
[as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Liane:
[talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.

Cartman:
[as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.

Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it Puppy Love! Any more?

AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls in love with a table.

Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it Table of Contents. God is there anything that this thing can't do?

AWESOM-O:
Movie idea number 2305. Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.

Military General:
Mister Scientist! You are paid to think! National security is our job.

Butters:
When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.

Cartman:
[as AWESOM-O] ...You saw that?

Butters:
Yeah, and I videotaped him doing it!

Cartman:
[as AWESOM-O] No way.

Butters:
I got the whole thing on tape; even the making out with Justin Timberlake.

Cartman:
[as AWESOM-O] Nuh-uh...

[Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded to win the Special Olympics]

Stan:
Thats really, really, terrible dude!

Cartman:
Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!

Jimmy's Father:
I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating? Its okay if you were.

Jimmy:
Dad! Jesus Christ!

Cartman:
[pretending he's retarded] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys what's going on, derrrrrr?

[long pause]

Kyle:
God damn you.

[Jimmy and Timmy have just asked the boys to come cheer for them at the special Olympics; Cartman is reading a brochure Jimmy gave them]

Cartman:
Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.

Kyle:
...You're an asshole, Cartman.

Cartman:
[looking confused] What? What did I do?

Cartman:
This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!

Kyle:
People don't hate the Jews!

Cartman:
Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

Stan:
We want our money back.

Ticket Guy:
Huh?

Stan:
That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.

Ticket Guy:
I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.

Stan:
That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!

Ticket Guy:
That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!

Stan:
We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!

Ticket Guy:
I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.

Stan:
What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?

Ticket Guy:
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.

Stan:
Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!

[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]

Stan:
[searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]

Cartman:
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.

Stan:
Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.

Cartman:
Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...

Stan:
No, no, no, we want our money back.

Cartman:
What?

Stan:
We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?

Cartman:
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.

Stan:
Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.

Cartman:
If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.

Stan:
[furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!

Cartman:
Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!

Stan:
I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!

Cartman:
Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!

Stan:
Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?

Cartman:
I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!

Stan:
[realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]

Stan:
C'mon, Kenny, we're going to Malibu. We'll take the bus. Look. This isn't about the eighteen dollar ticket money anymore. This is about holding bad filmmakers responsible. It is just like when we got our money back fore baseketball.

[Kenny and Stan arrive Mel Gibson's home]

Mel Gibson:
Yes?

Stan:
Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?

Mel Gibson:
You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.

Stan:
Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.

Mel Gibson:
Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.

Stan:
Torture you?

Mel Gibson:
Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?!! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.

Stan:
Well, with these bus tickets, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.

Kenny:
Yeah, I agree.

[Truck horn honking]

Stan:
Oh, you've got to be shitting me...

Mel Gibson:
Give me back my money!

Cartman:
Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.

Cartman:
Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"

Woman:
What does that mean?

Man:
Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!

Cartman:
Es ist Zeit für Rache! [It's time for revenge!]

Crowd:
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]

Woman:
Oh, this is fun!

Cartman:
Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!

Kyle:
I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.

Rabbi:
And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.

Kyle:
Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]

Sharon Marsh:
Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.

Randy Marsh:
What?

Sharon Marsh:
Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.

Randy Marsh:
Well, what happened?

Sharon Marsh:
It's on.

Hick:
You do a line and I'll do a line honey. You do a line and I'll do a line babe. You do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight and screw till the morning time.

Hick:
You snort K and I'll snort K honey. You snort K and I'll snort K babe. You snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight and screw all night and day.

[Stan is asking help from the goth kids]

Red Goth:
I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.

Henrietta:
Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.

Kindergoth:
I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.

Curly Goth:
I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.

Stan:
Great!

[pause]

Henrietta:
Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.

Red Goth:
Yeah, we just got goth served.

Stan:
Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?

Yao:
You mean dancing without a machine telling you what to do?

Stan:
Yeah.

Yao:
That's stupid.

Lil' Kim:
Wassup, niggas!

Stan:
But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces and saying "ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with Lego until you're an old man.

Butters:
Get out of my room, Stan.

Stan:
Fine. But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves Butters's room]

Cartman:
Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat hairy balls!

Cartman:
Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.

Mr. Jefferson:
I think you're awesome too, Cartman.

Cartman:
Yeah?

Mr. Jefferson:
Yeah.

Cartman:
Yeah?

Mr. Jefferson:
Yeah.

Cartman:
Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]

Stan:
[waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]

Mr. Jefferson:
[opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?

Stan:
Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.

Mr. Jefferson:
Wee look, he can fly.

Kyle:
Jesus Christ, dude!

Stan:
[yelled] Stop, you fucking lunatic! [While Kenny tight his hoodie jacket]

News Reporter:
Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.

Redneck #1:
They took our jobs!

Redneck #2:
Took-'er jerrrbs!

Redneck #3:
Der'ka der!

Cartman:
Hel-lo, ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?

Woman:
Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?

Cartman:
Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!

Woman:
How much are oranges?

Gooback:
Tree-fiddy. [$3.50]

Weathers:
[reading from a letter] Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.

Gooback:
Glack dadk?

Stan:
Can you speak in present-day English, please?

Gooback:
Oh. Oh... [with difficulty] Can I help you?

Stan:
[frustrated by this point] I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!

Gooback:
[with difficulty] Chic-ken san'wich? [points to the chicken sandwich sign]

Stan:
NO, NOT A CHICKEN SANDWICH! [Randy and Sharon enter the restaurant as Stan loses his temper] I WANT A GODDAMN CHEESEBURGER AND SOME GODDAMN FRIES, YOU FUCKING GOOBACKS!!!

Randy:
STAN MARSH!!

Stan:
Aw--awwww!

Bill O'Reilly:
On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.

Randy Marsh:
Oh my God. THEY TOOK MY JOB!

Stan:
Dey took yer jahb!

[Stan walks into his house to discover his dad lying on the floor, looking ill.]

Stan:
Jesus Christ…Dad?!

Randy Marsh:
Stan?

Stan:
Dad, oh my God!

Randy Marsh:
Stan.

Stan:
What, Dad, are you dying?

Randy Marsh:
No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.

Cartman:
Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents! [slips into a trance] Wall-Mart? Are you speaking to me? ...My friends...trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.

Stan:
Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.

Cartman:
Hey, guys, wait up. I want to go with you and help out.

Kyle:
No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.

(Silence for a considerable time)

Cartman:
Nu-uh.

Kyle:
Y-huh! You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.

Cartman:
I am not, Kyle!

Stan:
Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.

[Kenny and Stan walk off]

Kyle:
Alright, fine. Come on, fat boy.

[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]

Cartman:
Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.

[Kyle runs back]

Kyle:
I heard that!

Cartman:
Heard what?

Kyle:
You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.

Cartman:
That's not what I said!

[Stan comes back]

Stan:
Dude, come on.

Kyle:
He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!

Stan:
Dude, we have to go.

Kyle:
Goddamn it.

Stan:
[off screen] Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!

Cartman:
He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

[The boys finally reach Arkansas in a bus]

Stan:
Goddamn, that took a long time.

Kyle:
It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.

Cartman:
I did not. I want to close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.

[As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny prepare to infiltrate and destroy Wall-Mart, they are confronted by Cartman wielding a dagger:
]

Cartman:
Wall-Mart's a great store! I cannot let you fools ruin its terrific bargains. You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!

Kyle:
I knew you were.

Cartman:
No, you didn't.

Kyle:
(frustrated) Yes, I did. I said from the beginning that you would do this!

Cartman:
No, you didn't.

Kyle:
Yes, I did!

Cartman:
No, you didn't!

Kyle:
Yes, I did!

Cartman:
No, you didn't!

[Kyle and Cartman argue back and forth like this until they're shouting at the same time.]

Cartman:
(after a brief silence) You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bus tires-

Kyle:
(speaking over him) -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas. I said so! I told you the minute-

Cartman:
(places hands over ears) LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Kyle:
Hey, I told you-

Cartman:
I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!

[They both go silent]

Cartman:
(brandishes dagger again) I'm sorry, boys, but if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me.

Kyle:
We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us.

[Stan and Kyle go around Cartman, while Kenny steps up and faces him.]

Cartman:
Very well, Kenny. Let us battle!

[Kenny starts hitting Cartman]

Cartman:
Ow! Kenny! Kenny, knock it off!

[when the boys are all in preschool]

Stan:
Dude, let's play firemen!

Kyle:
Totally dude, let's play fireman!

Cartman:
Jews can't be firemen!

Kyle:
Shut up, fatass!

Cartman:
Don't call me fat you stupid Jew!

Cartman:
He's gonna kill us. We gotta tell our parents!

Kyle:
We can't go tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!

Dr. Doctor:
From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Dr. Doctor:
Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.

Stan:
What's that?

Dr. Doctor:
It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

[After Ms. Claridge gets injured]

Officer:
Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [Ms. Claridge beeps twice, which is supposed to mean no] "Yes, Yes." Take him away!

Chauffeur:
Oh, dear.

Paris Hilton:
Another dog killed itself!

Paris Hilton:
[opening her new store] Have fun, girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.

Cartman:
[walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] Fuck you, Millie! Fuck you, Annie! Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck you, whatever-your-name-is! A-a-a-and Fuck you, bitch!

Mr. Garrison:
[after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!

Man in Crowd:
Whore-off!

Randy Marsh:
Oh, no, she didn't!

Narrator:
The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile

Beavery:
How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?

Narrator:
The boy in the red poof ball hat smiled and said...

Stan:
(does not smile) Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home.

[Stan is forced to go on a quest to kill the mountain lion]

Narrator:
High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak/The horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak./For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat.

Stan:
[irritated] Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!

Narrator:
Said the little boy in the red poof ball hat.

Squirrely:
Stanny, you're alive.

Beary:
But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?

Stan:
It's dead.

Deery:
For real and for true?

Beavery:
Are you sure?

Stan:
I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.

Squirrely:
He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! (raises arm in a salute) Hail Satan!

Critters:
(raise arms) Hail Satan!

Stan:
(confused) Wait, wha-what?

Beavery:
You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!

Critters:
Yaaay!

Stan:
Wai-wait, the Antichrist?! You said she was giving birth to your savior!

Squirrely:
Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.

Stan:
(stunned) But I thought you meant the Son of God!

Deery:
Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?

Chickadee-y:
No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!

Foxy:
This is cause for celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!

Rabbity:
Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!

Squirrely the Squirrel:
Blood orgy! Blood orgy!

Singing critters:
What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!

Squirrely the Squirrel:
Hail Satan!

Stan:
I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.

Mountain Lion Cub:
You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?

Beavery:
Look, there's Santa Claus!

[the Critters cheer in joy]

Racoony:
Let's eat his flesh!

Santa:
[certainly not his usual jolly self] Alright, what the HELL IS GOING ON?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!

Beary the Bear:
[last words before he gets shot down] Gee whiz, Santa, you're not going to kill me, are ya--

[Santa shoots him]

Kyle:
Stan! What the hell is going on?!

Stan:
It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Narrator:
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Kyle:
[voice over] Goddamn it, Cartman!