South Park, Season 9

Mrs. Garrison:
Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.

Cartman:
[whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

Kyle:
Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?

Gerald:
[taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle:
But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Ike:
Penis!

Gerald:
Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Ike:
vagina!

Kyle:
Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!

Sheila:
What?

Kyle:
Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.

Gerald:
Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!

Kyle:
Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Sheila:
Absolutely not, Kyle!

Kyle:
But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.

Sheila:
Yes, but Kyle--

Kyle:
Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Sheila:
Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Kyle:
Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

Sheila:
The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!

Kyle:
But Jews can't play basketball!

Gerald:
Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

Kyle:
[angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]

Gerald:
Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

Mr. Slave:
I don't like vaginas.

Mr. Garrison:
You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you FAG!!

Basketball coach:
[to Kyle] No, you see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black enough.

Kyle:
All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?

Doctor:
[stares, speechless] Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Angioplasty.

Kyle:
A Angioplasty?

Doctor:
Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Angioplasty.

Gerald:
What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

Mr. Garrison:
That means I'm not really a woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!

Doctor:
Basically, yes.

Cartman:
They're not people! They're hippies!

Kyle:
Those dirty liars!

Kenny:
Son of a bitch!

Cartman:
And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...

Chef:
[irritated] Yeah, I know!

Hippie:
Wait until those little Eichmanns get a taste of this crunchy groove!

Cartman:
Did you eat their brownies? Did you eat their brownies?!

Mrs. Garrison:
Just between us gals, nothing gets my vag wetter than a black man singing!

Principal Victoria:
Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!

Kyle:
Don't worry Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. We're gonna get Wing back as our client. And make a ton of money. I swear it to you.

[Kenny is playing PSP]

Mrs. McCormick:
Kenny? Kenny, are you still playing with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothing else!

Kenny:
I could get to level 60!

Mrs. McCormick:
Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wasting your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!

Mr. McCormick:
'Ey! I heard that, bitch!

Mrs. McCormick:
I wasn't talking to you, asshole!

Michael:
God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

Angel:
The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!

Satan:
Then GOD is helpless!

Stan:
Don't kill Kenny!

Protesters:
You bastards!

Uriel:
No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.

Michael:
Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!

Angels:
Yeah, Uriel!

Uriel:
Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

Kevin:
Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.

Satan:
How?

Kevin:
I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.

[The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear]

George Bush:
We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!

Kevin:
Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush:
Removing the feeding tube is murder!

Kevin:
Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush:
Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?

Kevin:
It is God's will that he live!

George Bush:
It is God's will that he live!

Kevin:
Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush:
Haghaghaghagha...

Kevin:
No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]

George Bush:
No no, you don't say that part, Haghaghaghagha.

[the crowd is speechless]

Angel 1:
Jesus! Their army is massive!

Angel 2:
Heaven help us!

Michael:
Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.

Random person:
You bureaucrats have no right to play god and take that tube out.

Angel:
No, no. See, they were playing god when they put the feeding tube in.

Kyle:
Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.

Stan:
You mean Cartman's side is right?

Kyle:
Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.

Angel:
Michael, Michael. The humans finally did the right thing.

Angel Michael:
Oh my god. They killed Kenny.

[After the South Park team is disqualified due to Randy fighting with the another player's dad]

Stan:
Dad?

Randy:
Huh?

Stan:
You're the greatest.

[Randy leaps into the air with joy]

Batdad:
You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!

Randy:
What do you wanna do?

Batdad:
Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!

Umpire:
Stop! Stop or you're going to get your teams disqualified!

Stan:
Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!

Umpire 2:
Break it up! Break it up!

Randy:
Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no bell.

Batdad:
Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no pain!

Randy:
For what? Arresting me for what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

Randy:
Denver sucks ass.

Butters:
Son of a biscuit!

Pueblo Dad:
Vamanos Pueblo! Vive El Pueblo! (Let's go Pueblo! Long live Pueblo!)

Randy:
[takes out Spanish-English Dictionary] Pueblo no bueno...Pueblo es muy Mal. (Pueblo is not good. Pueblo is very bad.)

Baseball player:
Yeah we want to win? Then we will have to play this boring game all summer!

Baseball player:
We want to play video games!

Baseball player:
We're going down! We're going to get creamed!

Baseball player:
You know what these guys look like? A bunch of winners!

Another baseball player:
Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!

Baseball player:
Not a chance cause we're going to lose to you right now!

Butters:
I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm seeing dead people!

Butters:
Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.

Cartman:
Atone?

Butters:
Did you ever do something really bad?

Cartman:
[Thinking] Not really.

Cartman:
Let's see, oh and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.

Butters:
Boy, oh, boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.

Cartman:
Really?

Butters:
Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.

Cartman:
I know how... [He begins making gift baskets].

Jimmy:
Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?

Stan:
Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

Kyle:
We're ignoring him.

Token:
Ignoring him, how come?

Kyle:
Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Token:
Oh yeah.

Craig:
Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?

Bradley and other boys off screen:
Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!

Clyde:
I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Cartman:
Don't be sad, Butters: what awaits each person in heaven in eternal bliss, divine rest... and ten thousand dollars in cash.

Cartman [walking backwards slowly and gesturing as if fading out]:
Good-bye Butters, I'm going to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again some time. Good-bye...

Cartman:
Goodbye, Butters, I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...

Mr. Mackey:
[reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

Ike:
[singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle boy!

Butters:
'Ey, who's dropping bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!

Cartman:
Up yours, Butters!

Jimmy:
Shawna, I was wondering if I could put my penis in your vagina.

Gerald:
Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.

Randy:
Don't be a fag!

Stan:
Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?

Cartman:
Yeah.

Stan:
You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Cartman:
Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Randy:
[draws a line near near the bottom of a USA map] Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South... [draws another line further up] Everyone above this line is already dead. [draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals] People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... [draws a sphere] People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance, but [draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals] New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east. [draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles]

[long pause; a man stifles a snigger]

Randy:
What, Frank?

[he continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram]

Randy:
[looks at it a moment and realizes] Aw! Oh, goddammit. [draws a squiggle to cover it]

Stan:
Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.

Kyle:
How do you know?

Stan:
Because... I know what did cause the Beaverton flood.

Kyle:
George Bush?

Stan:
No...

Kyle:
Terrorists?

Stan:
No...

Kyle:
Communists?

Stan:
No...

Kyle:
Chinese radicals?

Stan:
No...

[brief pause]

Kyle:
...Cartman?

Stan:
...kind of.

Kyle:
CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?!

Cartman:
Give me your Jew gold now!

Kyle:
Goddamn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?

Cartman:
I want your Jew gold.

Kyle:
We must save these people!

Stan:
How?

Cartman:
Why?

[repeated line]

Townsfolk:
We didn't listen! [echoed] We didn't listen!

Angry Man:
It's George Bush's fault!

Another Man:
Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

Stan:
It's MY fault. I broke the dam.

[long pause]

Cartman:
Aw, man...

Sharon Marsh:
...Stanley...you?

Man:
No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.

Stan:
No. I broke the dam.

Woman:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
No. I broke the dam.

Woman:
And I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Cartman:
He he...I broke the dam!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Woman:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
[trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
No! I broke the fucking dam!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
I literally broke the dam!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
On a boat! That wasn't mine!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
I kept it secret for two days!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
The boat caught on fire and it exploded!

Man:
I broke the dam.

Man:
I broke the dam.

Stan:
Aw, fuck it!

Cartman:
Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

Craig:
What?

Cartman:
What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan:
What?

Butters:
How do you know?

Kyle:
The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

Clyde:
[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!

[pause]

Cartman:
[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

Mr. Garrison:
Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?

Marjorine:
I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.

Clyde:
Nice.

Mr. Garrison:
Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.

Doctor:
[after the pig splatters everywhere and he checks the pulse] "He... Didn't make it".

Old Man:
Mr. Stotch, I know what you're thinking.

Mr. Stotch:
Who are you?

Old Man:
I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead... and not try to bring him back.

Mr. Stotch:
Bring him back? What-what are you talking about?

Old Man:
I know you're thinking of putting him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. But sometimes dead is better.

Mr. Stotch:
Indian burial ground?

Old Man:
It's been done before, what you're thinking of. The Nelson boy, back in '85...

Mr. Stotch:
You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground--

Old Man:
Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground... ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why they stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind the Andersons's barn. Sometimes... dead is better.

Cartman:
God only knows the horrors that go on at girls's slumber parties.

Red hair girl:
Hey, Marjorine you want to know your future?

Turner:
What the hell?

Cartman:
Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!

Turner:
Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?

Steven Stotch:
You're demon-spawn now, son.

Kevin:
You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?

Cartman:
No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!

Cartman:
[advising Butters] ...just roll with it if they start lezzing out.

Butters:
[after his parents leave a dead body for him to eat] Can't I just have some Spaghetti-Os?

Cartman:
[after Kenny blows up the future-telling device with a mushroom cloud so large it can be seen from space] Damn, Ken!

Mr. Garrison:
We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.

Mr. Garrison:
Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!

Kyle:
Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan:
As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

Mr. Garrison:
We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old-fashioned Fag Drag!

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally:
Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.

Mr. Garrison:
Appeal to the Governor?! Come on, where's your balls?! Fag drag!

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 2:
We don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 3:
Yeah, we were just thinking of asking the Governor to veto the bill.

Mr. Garrison:
[tries again] Fag drag?

Governor:
...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred. And everyone is happy.

Lesbian in Crowd:
What about lesbians?

[small murmurs among the lesbians]

Governor:
Well like anyone cares about fucking dykes!

Cartman:
[to Kyle] Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!

Cartman:
The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman:
I'm not gonna be part of a fucking minority!

Brian:
Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

Stan:
I am?! I didn't know that!

Brian:
Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.

Stan:
Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

Randy:
What?!

Stan:
Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

Randy:
[knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

Tom Cruise:
No!

Randy:
Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

Tom Cruise:
I'm never coming out!

Randy:
[to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan:
I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Randy:
Oh boy.

R. Kelly:
[singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]

Field Reporter:
Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'

R. Kelly:
[singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!

Cartman:
Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

Kyle:
So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman:
Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny:
Hey, yeah!

Stan:
No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman:
Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

President:
What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

Tom Cruise:
[to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

Nicole Kidman:
Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

Tom Cruise:
But I'm...I'm not in the closet.

Nicole Kidman:
Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

Nicole Kidman:
Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.

Scientologist:
You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!

Travolta:
Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.

Tom Cruise:
...Hey John.

Travolta:
Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!

Tom Cruise:
But I'm not in the closet.

Travolta:
Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?

Tom Cruise:
Okay...but no tricks!

Travolta:
No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!

Tom Cruise:
Ya see?!

Travolta:
I feel really safe, ohmygod!

[the group looks on]

Randy:
[tries the door] HEY!

Stan:
Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?

Randy:
It's okay, Stan, I just had some beers to keep my buzz going.

Stan:
Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?

Randy:
I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]

Eric:
...sure, whatever, dude.

AA Member:
Do you know anything about alcoholism?

Stan:
Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.

Karate Instructor:
Cartman-san! What are you doing?

Cartman:
I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.

Karate Instructor:
Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!

Cartman:
Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!

Karate Instructor:
Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.

Stan:
No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.

Randy:
It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?

Randy:
Stan! Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!

Stan:
Ah, God damn it!

Randy:
How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?

Stan:
I have a great teacher.

Randy:
Thanks, son.

Stan:
No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

Mrs. Garrison:
Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison:
Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison:
I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

Field Reporter:
And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."

Randy:
Well how about 4?

Stan:
I think you're pushing it.

Randy:
How 'bout 20?

Stan:
That's not discipline.

Randy:
Right, right. Does vodka count?

Stan:
Dad!

Randy:
[drunk off his ass and having caught the attention of police by illegally swerving as he peed into a beer bottle, then flipping off the police car] Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [starts chewing stick of gum]

Officer:
License and registration, please.

Randy:
[with a completely straight face] ...What seems to be the officer, problem?

Officer:
...Step out of the car, please.

At the side of police vehicle:
"To patronize and annoy"