SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 6

get a life lol i dont know what im doing but spongebob is my daddyyy

Patrick:
[about Squidward's kelp flowers, with a soft tone] They're preeeeeeettyyy! [Squidward shrieks]

Squidward:
Patrick!

SpongeBob:
And SpongeBob!

Squidward:
What are you two doing here?

SpongeBob:
Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden! [points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]

Squidward:
[Yells] STOP EATING MY KELP!!! [shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]

Patrick:
Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead!

Squidward:
Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?

Patrick:
Hmmmmmm...yeah.

Squidward:
Then have some more! [sprays the ice cream]

Patrick:
[falls over when the ice cream gets bigger] Whoa! Oof!

Squidward:
Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream?

Patrick:
Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam!

Squidward:
Spongebob! HEY! Look at what you did to me! You better fix my nose or you'll hear from my lawyer!

SpongeBob:
Are you sure?

Patrick:
Yeah! You'll be ugly again!

Squiddy:
Yes I'm sure!

Spongebob:
How to fix his nose?

Patrick:
Once you turn the bottle upside down maybe it will shrink it

Spongebob:
Patrick that's brilliant!

Squiddy:
No wait don't (Squid's nose gets bigger)

Spongebob:
It didn't work

Patrick:
Try it again

Spongebob:
I think I'll just even him out 1st a bigger head

Patrick:
Now his body's too small

Spongebob:
Right too small

Patrick:
Arms are too short. Legs are too short. Other arm. Feet too small. Teeth! Belly button Perfect!

(Squiddy now looks ugly)

Squiddy:
I look horrible!

Spongebob/Patrick:
He inked!

Squiddy:
Pardon my anatomy What's happening?

(Squiddy is now a giant)

Spongebob/Patrick:
Alright!

Squiddy:
What did you do to me?

SpongeBob:
Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward.

Patrick:
You're a saint, SpongeBob. A SAINT!

SpongeBob:
I know, and it is a burden I must carry.

Squidward:
[upon seeing SpongeBob spying on him through the window] SpongeBob! How long have you been spying on me?!

SpongeBob:
Umm... What day is it today?

Squidward:
It's the day you go away and never come back!

SpongeBob:
But Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you get your house ready for the big TV show?

Squidward:
How did you know about that?

SpongeBob:
I was spying on you.

Squidward:
All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.

SpongeBob:
Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.

Squidward:
Really?

SpongeBob:
No, not really...He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.

Squidward:
I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!

SpongeBob:
Okay.

Patrick:
Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks [enters the bathroom he groans and flushes the bathroom] [after using Squidward's toilet] Uff! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days...or weeks.

Patrick:
All right, I play a mean belly. [plays his belly as a drum; as he plays the William Tell Overture, it sounds as if he's playing a professional timpani drum]

SpongeBob:
Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this? [makes a loud bass sound] And then turn into one of those songs that goes… [emits a high pitched screech loud enough to shake the camera and temporarily incapacitate Plankton]

SpongeBob:
[after spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula] Wait a minute...was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?

Plankton:
What? No, I was in it for the music, man!

Mr. Krabs:
Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. [Mr. Krabs shows some images] 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one.

[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs...?

Mr. Krabs:
[cheered up] Yes?

SpongeBob:
I would like to donate a penny....

Mr. Krabs:
You would?

SpongeBob:
IF I ONLY HAD ONE!!! [cries harder as Mr. Krabs screams inside his shell]

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny. [laughs]

Mr. Krabs:
It wasn't?

SpongeBob:
No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection. I think it's peppermint.

Mr. Krabs:
Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved. There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!

SpongeBob:
Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. [Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it] Hey, this isn't gum or a penny at all. [pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill] It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection. Ah well, good night, Gary.

[He discards the dollar; however, Mr. Krabs is still convinced there's a penny around]

Mr Krabs:
[digging some holes] Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere. I'll just have to keep digging.

SpongeBob:
I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. [Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays "Shower in a Can" on him and he smells better] Hey, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff:
Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I made this for you.

Mrs. Puff:
Made what?

SpongeBob:
[holds out a model of a boat so small it is practically a dot on his hand] This - the H.M.S. Pinafore! At 1:8,427th scale of course.

Mrs. Puff:
Good thing you studied.

Plankton:
Welcome one and all, to the first biannual big arena of annihilation! [everyone cheers]

Patrick:
All right! [Patrick is about to eat a sausage, when the lionfish growls at him, Plankton laughs]

Plankton:
That pink dimwit doesn't stand a chance with those sausages around his throat! As soon as the smell of sausage hits that ravenous lionfish's nostrils, he'll be all over Patrick like mold on a shower curtain!

Betsy Krabs:
Boring! [throws a tomato at the ground] I want to see some body parts!

Plankton:
This is ridiculous! I order a simple brutal mauling for my denizens, and I get a circus act!

Sadie:
Ten dollars?! Why would I pay ten dollars, when I can go across the street and get a Krabby Patty for one dollar?

Plankton:
Now, I've been waiting for 20 years to have the amount of customers Krabs sees everyday! And I won't let that be ruined because the show's "boring," or the food's "inedible."

Mr. Krabs:
I think that it's safe to say that no matter how diabolical Plankton's plans may be, he'll never have the loyalty of me good customers.

Scooter:
One Krabby Patty, please.

Mr. Krabs:
But of course, my good customer. That'll be ten dollars.

Scooter:
Ten dollars? What happened to one dollar?

Mr. Krabs:
Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. [the "financial expert" is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]

Scooter:
[muttering] Stupid inflation.

Mr. Krabs:
Thanks for your business.

[Everyone laughs for about half a minute, they then gradually stop and get bored, then walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]

Squidward:
Patrick, what are you doing here?

Patrick:
I don't know. [smiles wanly] I'm funny.

Squidward:
[looking at his score with a triumphant but sleepless face] I did it. [kisses the score and laughs] Yes! [runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium] I did it! I did it! I did it! And I did it! Ha ha ha ha!

Patrick:
[watching Squidward run out the door as SpongeBob sews his butt and laughs] Did what?

[Squidward runs over to the stadium]

Squidward:
Here you go, maestro, my masterpiece.

Conductor:
[looks at the score; in a German composer accent] Hmm, oh, very unusual. I think we have a winner, Mr. Tentacles! [Squidward smiles, cuts to later where Squidward is about to conduct his song]

Johnny:
Good evening, music lovers of Bikini Bottom. Tonight, is the premiere of a new symphony, written by one of our own, Squidward Tentacles.

[Squidward walks up on stage and starts conducting his composition, everything is fine until he hears Patrick using a tongue depressor on himself. Squidward looks at his music and, much to his shock and dismay, finds out that there are drawings of SpongeBob and Patrick on it.]

Squidward:
[gasps] Huh?!

[It turns out that Squidward inadvertently wrote down everything he heard from SpongeBob's doctoring. The music is then followed by Patrick hitting his own knee with a hammer and screaming while SpongeBob times his reflex]

Squidward:
I wrote down everything I heard?! [gulps and looks at the audience, SpongeBob drops a brick on Patrick's leg, then an anchor]

Pilar:
Oooo! That's gonna leave a mark! [Squidward sweats in embarrassment]

[SpongeBob puts on a rubber glove then squeaks a rubber duck near Patrick as he screams, then uses the x-ray, then the laugh machine, then reading magazines, then SpongeBob plays with his brain, then he's reading magazines again, then using the x-ray again, then the laugh machine, then the duck, then the magazine, then playing with the brain. This process repeats twice, second time shorter time. Throughout the performance, Squidward continued to conduct the orchestra while barely paying attention to his conducting, due to SpongeBob and Patrick distracting him with their odd procedures to each other. SpongeBob then uses the blood pressure pump to inflate Patrick, he loses control of the air in his body and starts flying around like a balloon, smacking into Squidward as the song ends]

Nazz:
That poor guy. [as Patrick sits up straight on Squidward after deflating, the song comes to an end]

Squidward:
Patrick, get off of me! [Patrick does so, Squidward growls at him, then looks at the audience, Squidward begins to sadly walk off the stage, but then everyone begins cheering]

Audience Member:
Oh, now that's what I call music!

Shubie:
That little yellow guy is awesome!

Bill:
Let us not forget the tubby starfish!

Fred:
Oh, yeah, but the real genius is the composer! [all chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!

SpongeBob:
Wow, Squidward, they really liked you! Just don't get a "swelled head." [Squidward's head begins to inflate, because Patrick is using the blood pressure pump, causing Squidward to look at him suspiciously and then we can hear an explosion as the screen cuts to black, ending the episode]

SpongeBob:
Squidward? [Squidward wakes up, and then freaks out when he sees SpongeBob sitting on him] How does one become normal?

Squidward:
Well, how about you start by... [cuts to outside of Squidward's house where Squidward kicks SpongeBob through the wall on top of the house] Getting away from me, you little creature?! [closes his window]

Customer 1:
Ugh. That ain't right. I will never spend money here again!

Mr. Krabs:
Never?

Customer 2:
Come on, guys. These patties ain't worth the paper they're printed on!

Patrick:
SpongeBob, the weird therapy is working. Your craters are coming back. We just have to keep pushing the boundaries. We've gotta get stranger. [Cuts to Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob is riding on Patrick's back like a horse and catches a jellyfish in the net. Another crater comes back. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick licking the sand and as SpongeBob is licking, his nose grows back to normal size. Cuts to Patrick and SpongeBob standing on their hands] Talk backwards.

SpongeBob:
Tap, erus uoy era? (Are you sure, Pat?) [SpongeBob's legs and arms are back to normal]

[Patrick's rock begins to open]

Squidward:
It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. [Squidward is in a normal state] Hi, how are ya?

[SpongeBob is so scared and shocked at how Squidward looks that he screams himself back into his regular self]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape!

SpongeBob:
Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form! [hugging Squidward] Thanks, buddy, you saved my life!

Normal Squidward:
Wonderful weather we're having, hm?

SpongeBob:
It sure is, buddy. It sure is. [he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]

[SpongeBob runs out of the theater, he grabs an ax and looks for Boaty, he sees a bus coming toward him, SpongeBob strikes at it with his axe. The bus stops, and everyone in Bikini Bottom steps out]

SpongeBob:
Huh?

Mr. Krabs:
Sheesh. Calm down, boy.

SpongeBob:
You're all still alive? Well, where did you go?

Mr. Krabs:
It was National No SpongeBob Day.

SpongeBob:
"National No SpongeBob Day"?

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah. A whole day dedicated to getting away from you.

SpongeBob:
A day? But you guys have been gone for weeks.

Mr. Krabs:
Uhh... heh heh, yeah well... we kinda milked it a little.

[Patrick comes out of the bus, he has balloons and a t-shirt with SpongeBob crossed out on it, SpongeBob sees this and gasps in shock]

SpongeBob:
You too, Patrick?

Patrick:
Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... [laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face]

SpongeBob:
[sadly] I'm... glad you had fun. [sobs]

Mr. Krabs:
Aww, cheer up, boy. It's a whole day inspired by you.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Mr. Krabs:
Of course. [cut to a scene of everyone in Bikini Bottom except SpongeBob around a SpongeBob made of wood] First, we build a giant wooden effigy of you, then we burn it to the ground. [the citizens burn it] Whoo-hoo! Burn, baby! [cut to everyone dancing on the ashes of the effigy] And dance on the ashes like there was no tomorrow. [cut back to the present time]

SpongeBob:
Wow. A whole day dedicated to me. [blushes]

Patrick:
Big deal. Wait 'til you see "No Patrick Day." Come on, everyone. Let's go! [everyone gets on the bus. SpongeBob knocks Patrick off when he tries to get on. Patrick immediately forgets what happened and what he said] Where'd everybody go? Hello? Hello [looks around and the episode ends as a heartbeat is faintly heard]

Squidward:
[same tone] The spatula...TIED TO YOUR NOSE!

SpongeBob:
Ohhh, this! [explains quickly] Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and...Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?

Squidward:
[sarcastic] Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.

SpongeBob:
[laughs] Good one, Squiddy.

Squidward:
[grumbles] Injury. Your brain is injured! [gets an idea] Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?

SpongeBob:
Ah. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there. He gasps]

Mr. Krabs:
What's that?

SpongeBob:
What's what?

Mr. Krabs:
Behind your back?

SpongeBob:
You mean this? [pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but it is covered by his hat]

Mr. Krabs:
Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!

SpongeBob:
[puts his hat on] Heh, company pride, of course.

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yes?

Mr. Krabs:
Have you always had three legs?

SpongeBob:
[has a sock and shoe covering his splintered thumb] Yes.

Mr. Krabs:
[believing him] Interesting... Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? [SpongeBob screams] All right, boy, let's see it. [SpongeBob whimpers] Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean, how bad could it...? [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center. His thumb is now red. Mr. Krabs gags] Oh, merciful Neptune! [Squidward moans and faints] Okay, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] Problem sol... [green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face. He takes out an umbrella as it dies down. There is a close-up of SpongeBob's free hand, bending his splinter-free thumb] Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's "compersation."

SpongeBob:
What's worker's compensation?

Mr. Krabs:
You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.

Squidward:
[his eyes shoot open. He gets up] You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah, what do ya' think "compersation" stands for?

Squidward:
[gets the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times] Ow!

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, Squidward?

Squidward:
[smashes the cash register on his head another two times then throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it] Can I get my "compersation" now?

Mr. Krabs:
No. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over two minutes ago.

SpongeBob:
You see, Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life.

Squidward:
I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! [jumps onto the table to get them out, but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant] Get out of there! [SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows] Just get out of there! [they land onto his paintings and become the shapes of his head] Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun.

SpongeBob:
True, Squidward, true. We have had our fun. But you know what's twice as much fun? Twice as many slide whistles!

SpongeBob:
Wow, Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here we'll help. [he and Patrick raise their slide whistles...they go around the hospital playing the slide whistle to CPR, a guy on a ventilator, and Gill Gilliam stitching Nat up]

Patrick:
LIVING LIKE LARRY!

SpongeBob:
Hey, what are you two lazybones doing lying around? There's a really cool ramp down the hall! I've got room for two more. What would Larry do?

Larry:
[Fumingly] What would Larry do?! I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT LARRY WOULD DO!' Come here!

[SpongeBob wheels away in horror as Larry comes after him; they exit the hospital]

Larry:
Come here, I said! Hey!

[SpongeBob still tries to get away as Larry chases him off the screen and episode ends.]

Patrick:
[sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of jerky for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit hair] AAHHHH! AAH-AHH-AAAHH! [instantly turns calm, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head, then gives SpongeBob a mirror] See?

SpongeBob:
[screams, horrified] I...look... [adoring voice] Amaaaziiing. Time to go to the party! [cuts to them walking down the street. SpongeBob pats a baby in a stroller] Oh what a cute wittle baby. Coochie coochie coo!

Norma:
Monster! [runs away, running over SpongeBob, then comes back and stomps on him then walks off screen]

Patrick:
Well, hey, buddy, looks like you could use an ice cream.

SpongeBob:
No, Patrick I... [notices the people staring at him. He laughs nervously, then the caramel cracks, which reveals some light]

[All gasp, then the caramel breaks]

Frankie:
So, bright!

Sally:
Honey, look away!

[Frankie's eyes melt. SpongeBob laughs nervously]

Fred:
Nice Job!

Harold:
[Australian accent] Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean look at you! Do you hug your mother with that skin?

SpongeBob:
There you go, Mr. Krabs! You always wanted to make "big" money!

[Cuts to live-action footage of a crowd booing]

Squidward:
[bonks SpongeBob on the head] HEY! Look what you did to me! If you don't fix my nose, you'll hear from my lawyer!

SpongeBob:
Are you sure?

Patrick:
Yeah! You'll be ugly again!

Squidward:
What are you doing with my cheese?

Patrick:
It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better.

Squidward:
That was my cheese! It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!

SpongeBob:
[reading tombstone] Here lies the nose of Patrick Star. Rip. [referring to the R.I.P as Rest in Peace] Well, this is terrible! All Patrick wanted was to be like the rest of us, and we punished him for it.

Squidward:
Who cares? At least now that pink moron will leave us alone.

Patrick:
I heard that! [moves to Patrick with giant human ears]

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, isn't...that the stolen secret ingredient?

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, what are you talking about, SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. [holds it out, then hides it]

Policeman:
You might want to stand that you stole the item in question?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.

Policeman:
And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper?

Mr. Krabs:
I can explain!

Policeman:
Please do.

Mr. Krabs:
It's simple, $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I...s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s...took it...to avoid paying, you know.

Policeman:
I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. [handcuffs him]

Mr. Krabs:
What, what'd I do?

[Cuts to the court house]

Judge:
All rise. Eugene Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
Your honor...?

Judge:
As punishment for committing the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free...all day tommorow. [whacks the gavel]

Mr. Krabs:
Give away me Patties for free?! Oh no, I couldn't bear the sight of that!

[Cuts to next day at the Krusty Krab, where SpongeBob is giving away free Krabby Patties as Mr. Krabs is strapped to a chair screaming as two officers hold his eyes open]

SpongeBob:
[giving away Krabby Patties to the customers for free] Step right up, and get your free Krabby Patties!

[When SpongeBob gives away free Krabby Patties, the 2 policemen holds Mr. Krabs still while he is crying, then the policemen laugh]

Mr. Krabs:
♪ Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along! ♪ [playing bowling with money] 1 more time! [notices Plankton] No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! [throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]

Plankton:
Don't bother. There's no need.

Mr. Krabs:
What are you talking about?

Plankton:
[slides out of the spoon] I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now.

Mr. Krabs:
[laughs] You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you!

Nat:
Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks?

Plankton:
But of course, loyal customer. [hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand] I'll see you later, loser. Much later! [laughs]

Plankton:
Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum.

Karen:
Yes, Your Diminutiveness. [goes in the kitchen]

Plankton:
Say, Nat, do you have any friends?

Nat':
Nope.

Plankton:
[sings a little, then laughs] Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?!

SpongeBob:
[imitating Karen] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. [throws a Krabby Patty] There's your chum, bleep blap blop.

Nat:
Hey, this doesn't look like chum.

Plankton:
And that doesn't look like Karen!

SpongeBob:
[looks like Karen] Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me.

Plankton:
What have you done with Karen, you brute?!

[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]

Nat:
How many times do I have to tell you? [throws the Krabby Patty away] I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else!

SpongeBob:
[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice] So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum?

Nat:
Yeah! Th-That's right!

SpongeBob:
Interesting.

Karen:
Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.

Mr. Krabs:
Look at all that loot!

Plankton:
That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!

Mr. Krabs:
D'oh, just put me out of me misery!

[Nat walks in, angered]

Plankton:
Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!

Nat:
Not this time!

Plankton and Mr. Krabs:
Huh?

Nat:
Not ever again! [throws all the money at Karen] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!

Plankton:
Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...Huh?

Nat:
I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor...twice! [groans in pain] If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped...again. [gets carried out]

Plankton:
What's the deal, Karen?

Karen:
"The deal" was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.

Plankton:
All this time, I never had one regular customer?

Karen:
Duh.

Plankton:
Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?

Karen:
Ugh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!

Plankton:
What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! [cries]

SpongeBob:
Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!

Mr. Krabs:
What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. [laughs]

SpongeBob:
Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?

Squidward:
Oh. [laughs] That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.

SpongeBob:
Why?

Squidward:
So, I could get further away from you! [rushes off]

SpongeBob:
Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.

SpongeBob:
[SpongeBob is hiding behind a trash can. Mrs. Puff pulls up, and then a policeman pulls up behind here. SpongeBob takes a picture, and both of them look around and then he laughs] Mrs. Puff is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! [cuts to a newspaper that says "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase"]

Mr. Krabs:
"Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, boy! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! [everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Squidward hands Harold a copy]

SpongeBob:
Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.

Mr. Krabs:
That's called editorial privilege, son. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story possibly affect Mrs. Puff in any way? [cuts to Mrs. Puff's Boating School]

Mrs. Puff:
I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business!

Gym Teacher:
Out, out, out!

Larry:
Hey, what's the big idea?

Gym Teacher:
This! [shows him the newspaper]

Larry:
[reading] "Larry the Loser gets beaten up by pipsqueak"? [protesting] But, but, but-

Gym Teacher:
No "buts"! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! [throws him out]

SpongeBob:
[walks up] Hello, Larry.

Larry:
Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!

SpongeBob:
"Ruined"? What are you talking about?

Larry:
These lies someone wrote about me. [shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps]

[Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]

Mr. Krabs:
Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. [hands fish the paper]

Plankton:
Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business!

Health Inspector:
I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.

Plankton:
Why? I haven't done anything.

Health Inspector:
That's not what this says. [shows Plankton the paper]

Plankton:
[reading] "Plankton's chum made of your chums! The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one!"? [stops reading] What?! [the health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket] Who's to blame for this?! Who?!

Sandy:
Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome.

Dennis:
I had no idea it talked. [to Sandy] Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? [holds up newspaper]

Fish 2:
It can't even read. Why are you...?

Sandy:
Oh, give me that! [reading] "Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed braniac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants"? [throws paper down; lividly] That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me?!

Dennis:
Oh, boy. We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent!

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.

Mr. Krabs:
Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!

SpongeBob:
I've seen people's lives ruined...with my own eyes!

Mr. Krabs:
People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!

SpongeBob:
Gee, Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?

Mr. Krabs:
Surprise me! Give me a shocker! [throws him in his chair] Good night, boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning, and remember, the wildest story ever! [leaves]

SpongeBob:
Oh, "the wildest story ever", huh? [starts writing/typing]

[Then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in]

Mr. Krabs:
How's it going, lad?

SpongeBob:
[turns around, and he is very tired] Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise.

Mr. Krabs:
Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. [runs outside, and there is an angry mob] Huh?

Martha:
Taskmaster!

Mr. Krabs:
What's going on?

Martha:
You should know! [shows him the newspaper]

Mr. Krabs:
[reading] "Krabs overworks employees, reaps reward"?! "Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough"?!

Martha:
How could you do that to such an innocent child?! This is sick and inhumane!

Sandy:
Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!

Plankton:
I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil.

Larry:
All the kids in town wanna beat me up for lunch money! [cries]

Mrs. Puff:
And I've had to go back to watching... [starts to cry] ...Daytime television!

Martha:
Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back!

[Everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction]

Mr. Krabs:
No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! [starts to cry]

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, are you okay?

Mr. Krabs:
How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! [cries then sighs] It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. [notices the printing press] Or does it? [puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money] Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination!

Patrick:
[while wearing wedding groom clothes] Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties?

[His "wife" is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier]

SpongeBob:
You wanna stay here...at my house...with MEEEEEEE?!?

Mr. Krabs:
Whaddya say, boy?

SpongeBob:
[rockets up in excitement] Yee-hee! Slumber party!

Mr. Krabs:
Maybe I should just sleep under the highway.

[Afterwards, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs get into some sleeping bags and lie down near the TV]

SpongeBob:
We can stay up really, really late! And tell ghost stories and trade socks! [shows Mr. Krabs his socks]

Mr. Krabs:
Is that what girls do at slumber parties?

SpongeBob:
No. They invite boys over and destroy the house!

Mr. Krabs:
They what?!

SpongeBob:
You know how girls are.

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, SpongeBob, do you know anything about girls?

SpongeBob:
[laughs] Do I know any...? No, but Gary does.

Gary:
[reading a magazine while holding the remote] Meow. [flicks on TV]

TV Announcer:
We now return to tonight’s scary movie: Slumber Party Zombie Attack!

[In the movie, some girls are having a slumber party]

Girl Fish:
Pillow fight! [girls fight and giggle. A pillow is thrown into a vase and picture frame] Missed me!

Mr. Krabs:
[gasp] Look what they’re doing to that man's house!

SpongeBob:
But, Mr. Krabs, it's only a mov-ieeeeeeeeee...

SpongeBob:
You were trying to tell me that all along Weren't you, Gary?

Gary:
Meow, meow!

SpongeBob:
Well, I won't let it happen again.

Judge:
Well, I think we can all agree that this year's groomers cup goes to...SpongeBob and his wonderful pet!

SpongeBob:
Did you hear that, Gary? They're rewarding you for standing up and speaking out against injustice. Maybe these pageants aren't so superficial after all.

Judge:
What are you talking about? The snail didn't win, I was referring to your other pet. He's so adorable.

Patrick:
Woof, woof! [sticks his tongue out]

Mr. Krabs:
Where are your shoes? You're not going section 8 on me, are you?

SpongeBob:
It's so hot, my shoes...my shoes melted off.

SpongeBob:
Good idea coming here, Patrick!

Patrick:
That’s my specialty.

SpongeBob:
Having good ideas?

Patrick:
No, being called Patrick.

[Squidward doesn't use the toilet, making it sad]

Toilet Paper:
Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.

Squidward:
[looks at his watch] Oh! I'm almost late for Choir Practice! Better not run into SpongeBob again or I'm doomed! [takes a turn next to a large field of grass, then starts pedaling into it. He gets out and laughs] Figaro! Figaro-Figaro-Figa-roooo!

SpongeBob:
[steps out of the grasses in a policeman's hat and mustache] Stop! Stop Stop! [Squidward notices him, screams then comes to a screeching halt] I here by issue you with this ticket, for reckless frowning, and failing to listen to my song!

Squidward:
Your song? What are you, some kind of...

SpongeBob:
That's right! I'm a singing traffic cop!

Squidward:
A singing traffic...

SpongeBob:
♪O Sole Lo Mio...♪

Squidward:
[rips off SpongeBob's fake mustache] SpongeBob, I will be late to practice with all of your tomfoolery slowing me down! [grabs the ticket and rips it up] It is a high honor to be chosen for the Bikini Bottom Men's Chorus, and you are not going to keep me from performing my Grand Solo! [ties SpongeBob to some coral, using kelp, then rides away] ♪Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Fi-ga-ro!♪

[After a really long beat...]

SpongeBob:
♪Fii-gaa-roo♪ [Everything around starts shaking, the ground rumbles. Kelp breaks off SpongeBob as he stops singing, but an echo is heard. Cut to Jellyfish Fields, and the camera pans to a couple of jellyfish. They hear his singing and follow the source. SpongeBob falls to the ground, and the jellyfish come while buzzing excitedly and pick him up to the choir.; SpongeBob is holding note while being travelled down the road by jellyfish, in a beam of sunlight]

Mr. Krabs:
Like we're really gonna turn all this money for-

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Wrestle Camp! Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp!

Perch Perkins:
Wrestle Camp it is.

[The janitor vacuums up all the money and Mr. Krabs falls apart, then the janitor walks away]

SpongeBob:
See you at Wrestle Camp, Mr. Krabs! [drops a wrestle camp hat on Mr. Krabs and the episode ends]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, you can't expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes.

SpongeBob:
[gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, where is it?! Where is it?! Neptune, you did not put that in your pocket, did you?! It's getting all bent up! Bent up! [falls on the ground and cries] Bent uuuup! Bent, bent, bent, bent, bent up!

Patrick:
Sheesh. Don't get your pants up in a square knot, SpongeBob. I don't even believe in pockets. I keep everything I need right here. [a bunch of stuff is shown in his back] In the folds of my back fat. [pulls card out of his back] You seem to be pretty fond of this little thing. Why don't you just keep it?

SpongeBob:
You mean... [sniffles] you'd give me your most valuable possession?

Patrick:
I'd give you my most valuable possession? [they hug]

SpongeBob:
You're the best pal ever.

Patrick:
I'm the best pal ever. But can you do me one favor?

SpongeBob:
Patrick and I have come up with a secret handshake.

Patrick:
Secret!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[playing patty-cake] Patty-cake, patty-cake, sailor man! Bake me a cake as fast...

Squidward:
SpongeBob! That's not a secret handshake! Everybody knows Patty-cake!

SpongeBob:
Not the way we do it.

Patrick:
We don't use our pinkies.

Squidward:
[Gary's food bowl lands on Squidward, who is on the couch, which is tipped over. Squidward sits up to realize he has the vacuum stuck inside of him] SpongeBob! [he loses balance out of the room, and falls down the stairs. He stops on one stair for the vacuum whirring, and his next step makes him fall off the final stairs before choking out the vacuum] Is it really you? [switches the vacuum to on, allowing it to whir. He picks it up] It is you! [kisses it] Come on, baby. You and I will walk out of this horror show the way we walked into it: with dignity and aplomb. [he walks out of SpongeBob's house to hear a siren, and sees firemen hosing his burnt house, while SpongeBob and Patrick are there] My house...

Patrick:
You just missed the fire. [Squidward walks to the firemen]

Squidward:
What happened to my house? [fireman holds up a burnt casserole]

Fireman:
Oh, some knucklehead left a casserole in the oven.

Squidward:
[yelling] SPOOOOOONGEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob:
Aw, don't worry, Squidward. You're more than welcome to stay at my house until you get your house fixed.

[Squidward becomes shocked with ominous music playing, he suddenly imagines himself at a table with his vacuum cleaner at the seat across from him.]

Squidward:
Why, yes, I'd love another spot of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner. [holds up the burnt casserole] Care for some casserole? [crazed laughter. Camera zooms in on his pupil, and the scene cuts back to real life]

SpongeBob:
Squidward? You okay? Squidward? [Squidward faints; yelling] SQUIIIIIIIIIIDWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!

Squidward:
Here's the slop you ordered. [tosses tray of food down on customer's table] Enjoy. If you can choke it down. [laughs]

SpongeBob:
[writes] Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh.

[Bubble transition to Squidward throwing a bag of trash at the dumpster out back. He breaks the bag open. SpongeBob does the same. Squidward pats SpongeBob on the head. Bubble transition.]

Customer:
Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?

Squidward:
No.

Customer:
How about a Double Krabby?

SpongeBob:
No.

Customer:
Can I get a Triple Patty with cheese?

SpongeBob:
[nudging Squidward] Oh I think you've had way too many of those. [both laugh like Squidward as the customer walks off angry. Cut to another trash bag broken being thrown at the dumpster. SpongeBob tosses a tray on a customers table, spilling the drinks on the floor]

Squidward:
Taught him everything he knows. [more bags of trash being broken and customers getting burnt food or food thrown at them. SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring the bathroom while customers are waiting to use the stalls. Customers are clamoring in line while SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring at the cash register as Mr. Krabs enters]

Mr. Krabs:
[angry] What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants.

SpongeBob:
I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about?

SpongeBob:
I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round.

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah, so?

SpongeBob:
I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants.

Mr. Krabs:
Who told you that?

SpongeBob:
Patrick. [cuts to Patrick about to eat but puts his Krabby Patty down as he realizes his error.]

Mr. Krabs:
Well, why don't you just take them off?

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob bringing out a Krabby Patty in his underwear.]

SpongeBob:
Order up, Squidward!

Sandy:
Well well, if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants! [chuckles. SpongeBob notices he's in his underwear and screams as the episode ends]

[SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the jail gates.]

SpongeBob:
You're right, Patboy! This town needs us!

[A man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]

Patrick:
You're chewing too loud! [throws him in jail]

[A man with untied shoes is shown]

SpongeBob:
Your shoe's untied! [throws him in jail]

Patrick:
You're too old! [throws an old woman in jail, which has lots of people]

Squidward:
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!

Harold:
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.

Squidward:
Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?

SpongeBob:
Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]

Patrick:
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.

Squidward:
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...

Harold:
Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?

Squidward:
[frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!

Gus:
Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.

Harold:
Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!

Squidward:
No! Wait! [everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!

[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]

Squidward:
Wha-What's going on here?

Johnson:
Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.

Music School Headmistress:
[she and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there] It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [the reporter and cameraman are there too]

Bikini Bottom News Reporter:
What a hot scoop!

Music School Headmistress:
The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.

Squidward:
But... [a police officer rips off Squidward's Wig]

Green Police Fish:
No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]

Patrick:
It looks like they're still not getting used to each other.

SpongeBob:
Well, these things take time.

[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Duck and Cover!

[the fighting still continues outside of conch street; Mrs. Wormsley leaves Bikini Bottom on a bus as Gary leaves]

Patrick:
This town is getting too rough for me.

SpongeBob:
He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants?

Patrick:
Maybe you could take care of them.

SpongeBob:
Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset.

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, boy, get out there. [throws SpongeBob outside towards Plankton's robot and SpongeBob gets grabbed by the robot]

SpongeBob:
Um... hello... what do you want robot thing, sir? [Plankton walks out on a boardwalk] Oh, hey Plankton! What are you doing here?

Plankton:
I'm here for the secret formula you twit! Now I want you to go in there and tell Krabs that if he doesn't turn over the formula to me, that he'll be subjected to utter annihilation at my... Are you getting this? [SpongeBob inhales and shakes his head; Plankton face palms and groans] Moron! Okay, I'll make it simple: Krabs give me secret formula or I bring big boom-boom to Krusty Krab. Got it?

SpongeBob:
[writing on clipboard] Krabs give me secret formula or... uhhh... what was that other thing?

Plankton:
[groans frustratedly] Forget it! [marches back into his command module, drops SpongeBob] Bring on the Boom-Boom! [laughs]

[Plankton's robot starts marching toward the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs:
Battle stations, men! Here he comes!

SpongeBob:
We're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed, we're all doomed!

Squidward:
[walking out of the Krusty Krab] Later.

[The robot continues to march again with Plankton. But then, you notice that the extension cord that is powering the robot is about to be unplugged. The robot stops only foot away from the Krusty Krab]

Plankton:
Hey, what gives?

[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs emerge from the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs laughed at Plankton's failed attempt and the two walked away.]

Frankie Billy:
That guy still flopping?

Frank:
Yeah! Amazing, isn't it?

Frankie Billy:
Doesn't that get old?

Harold:
He's got a point.

Frank:
Yeah. You've seen enough?

Harold:
Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave]

Frankie Billy:
Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else]

Mr. Krabs:
What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving?

Harold:
This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue]

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh?

Frankie Billy:
Sort of the same, really.

Frank:
Yeah.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place]

Patrick:
I like pie.

Frankie Billy:
Say now.

Frank:
That, I'd pay to see!

SpongeBob:
[Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an F-16 hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head] Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles]

[after SpongeBob has destroyed all of Angry Jack's Shell Emporium]

SpongeBob:
Well, look on the bright side. I reduced your inventory for you.

Angry Jack:
Reduced?! You destroyed everything! And now, you're gonna have to pay!

SpongeBob:
Are you really angry, or ya just trying to sound louder?

Angry Jack:
I'M REALLY ANGRY!

Commercial Voice:
Blistering fury!

Mini Brain Patrick 1:
Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes!

Mini Brain Patrick 2:
We need to get outta here! [Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying "PULL TO OPEN"]

Mini Brain Patrick 3:
The door's jammed!

Mini Brain Patrick 2:
Push harder! [all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]

Karen:
Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered.

Nat:
[barfs on floor] Something's not right.

Pilar:
Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' "Chum is Fum" but it's...ehh...it's just not working.

Nat:
I'm outta here. [throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]

Pilar:
[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]

Plankton:
[To Patrick who is sleeping] Patrick!

Patrick:
[Wakes up] Huh?

Plankton:
We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas!

Patrick:
[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet] Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it!

Plankton:
[Annoyed] NO! That's not it you FOOL! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like Chum is Fum! But different.

Patrick:
Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. [Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to "Fum is Chum!"]

Nat:
I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan "Chum is Fum"!

Pilar:
Yeah that new slogan, "Fum is Chum" is way cooler!

Nat:
Way cooler!

Patrick:
Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a fighter plane shooting bullets]

Plankton:
[singing]

Me me me meeee... me me...

Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.

Oh, my computer wife, Karen.

Put down those punch cards,

Put down those punch cards,

And listen to my ode.

Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.'

Oh, my computer wife, Karen.

I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,

I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.

Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,

I built you in the - ehhh... erm...

In the shape of a cube!

Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.

You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!

[Plankton hugs one of Karen's lightbulbs. Karen smiles, Plankton, SpongeBob, and Patrick bow, and the song ends]

Karen:
[sniffles] That was so beautiful.

Plankton:
You really liked it?

Karen:
I loved it! But not as much as I love you, Plankton.

Plankton:
I l... l... love you, too! [Bikini Bottom citizens, including SpongeBob, rush in and say "Aw."] So, can I have my present now?

Karen:
Of course, my little overlord. Now loading the Krabby Patty Formula...

SpongeBob:
They're such a lovely couple. [sniffs before he suddenly gasps] The Krabby Patty Formula?!

Plankton:
Yes! You porous kitchen utensil! By helping me woo my computer wife, you've just doomed the Krusty Krab! [laughs evilly]

SpongeBob:
Oh no! I've got to stop it before it's too late.

Karen:
45% Loaded.

SpongeBob:
[presses several buttons on a computer keyboard] Control, Alt, Delete.

Karen:
55% Loaded.

SpongeBob:
[smashes against the computer keyboard] How do you turn this thing off?!

Plankton:
Get your hands off my wife!

Karen:
65% Loaded.

SpongeBob:
[gasps] The plug. [Plankton gasps] Ha! You lose, Plankton.

Plankton:
[sarcastically] Oh no. You unplugged the coffee maker, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
[gulps] I am so fired.

Karen:
Loading Krabby Patty Formula...

Plankton:
Here it comes!

Karen:
Oh, Plankton, you've made me so happy.

Plankton:
That's fantastic. Where's that formula?

Karen:
[cries happily with tears of joy] I'm crying. What's going on? [starts to spark electric sparks]

Plankton:
Karen, what's wrong? Have you sprung a leak?

Karen:
No. I'm just so happy! I'm crying with tears of joy!

Plankton:
But you're shorting out!

Karen:
I'm just--. The Krabby... Patty... Formula... loading... completed.

Plankton:
Yes!

SpongeBob:
NO! [the text on the screen blurs and the word "ERROR" appears on the screen]

Plankton:
NO!

SpongeBob:
Yes! I'm saved! Your wife exploded! [puts up his arms with victory; Plankton makes a serious face] Um... happy anniversary, you guys. [scratches his head, shrugs, and leaves]

Karen:
Rebooting... Loading E.M.I.L.P...

Plankton:
E.M.I.L.P.? What's E.M.I.L.P.?!

Karen:
Emergency Mother In-Law Program.

Plankton:
Oh, no.

E.M.I.L.P.:
Plankton, what have you done to my daughter?! You made her cry! [Plankton groans] You know, she could have been with an ATM! Someone with money! But she chose you! I don't know why!

Ricky Gervais:
[voiceover] 10 years ago, an unknown [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy laughing in Party Pooper Pants."] pirate from Encino began a [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy removing the SpongeBob items off his bed from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] decade-long obsession [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy in his one man band from "Party Pooper Pants."] with TV's most beloved [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy putting the SpongeBob cookie ornament on his Christmas tree from "Christmas Who?"] and absorbent sponge. And today, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy being spun on the playground roundabout from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] a mere 10 years later, obviously, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy in a barrel and female parrots trying to kiss him from "Party Pooper Pants."] 10 years ago, I said that, [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy in a cannon and then being shot out of it from "Shanghaied."] he has traveled all the way to a far off land known as "Burbank" [The clip is replaced by a clip of Patchy going down a slide from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] to find Nicktoons Animation Studio [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy ripping his underwear off from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] and meet his idol [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy being chewed on by a T-Rex from "Ugh."] face to face for the first time [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy getting angry in "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] in [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy rolling around in the lost episode's film strip from "The Sponge Who Could Fly."] 10 years... it's 10 years ago. [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy holding up a SpongeBob cookie when he was talking about if Squidward was right about Christmas in "Christmas Who?"] It's 10 years ago. [The clip is replaced with a clip of Patchy seeing the stick of dynamite and it going off from "Party Pooper Pants."] Let's see what happens, yeah. [The clip shows Patchy burned after the explosion in "Shanghaied", and the screen cuts to black.]

SpongeBob:
Good morning, Gary!

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
A little overboard? And take a chance at being late for the single most greatest day of my career. The eleventy-seventh anniversary of the Krusty Krab. Oh, oh, oh, I think not. No self-respecting Krusty Krab employee would be late on this day.

[A line of alarm clocks are leading to the inside of Squidward's house.

Squidward:
[muttering] What the?

SpongeBob:
[yelling out of his window] See you at the big event, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs:
Today's a big a day for the Krusty Krab, so I want yous to listen up. [pushes the button. It causes a shield to go around the Krusty Krab] It's a perfect opportunity for Plankton to try and steal the Krabby Patty formula. [pulls a lever that looks like a handle on a table]

Squidward:
Isn't that just the Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs:
No. It's a holographic projection of the Krusty Krab. I want you two to watch all the entrances.

Squidward:
You mean the front door and the back door?

Mr. Krabs:
Those are just the ones on the surface. There is an entire network of tunnels and air ducts underground and I want all eyes on the look out!

SpongeBob:
Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [eyes grow on him, filling his holes]

Mr. Krabs:
Right. Study the map, stay extra vigilant. Don't fall asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.

Squidward:
What?! I have never fallen asleep on duty.

Mr. Krabs:
Don't make me have a flashback.

Plankton:
[as it is still panning in] It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A thousand and three times I've almost had that recipe, and a thousand and three times I've been launched by that Krabs! He celebrates eleventy-seven years of success, I'm left with four score and forty fortnights of failure! I give up, Karen. Krabs has won!

Karen:
Well, you'll never get the formula with that attitude. Maybe a thousand and four will be your lucky number.

Plankton:
Oh, yeah? You try getting launched.

Karen:
Oh, right, the launchings. [her face is replaced by a loading bar and the word "accessing" above it] I've got them all on my hard drive.

[The scene shows, on Karen's monitor, Mr. Krabs in a baseball uniform, exiting the Krusty Krab. The scene shifts to show just the scene. Mr. Krabs pushes Plankton into the air. Mr. Krabs does this with a glove that he is wearing. Mr. Krabs spits and then throws Plankton. Plankton hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' claw putting down a golf tee. He puts Plankton on the tee. He is then shown in a golf outfit, holding a golf club. He then prepares to hit Plankton]

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
Fore! [hits Plankton, who hits the Chum Bucket]

Flashback Plankton:
Ow!

[The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs riding on a seahorse, wearing a polo uniform, and holding a polo stick. Plankton is shown running. away from the polo stick. Mr. Krabs hits Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs holding a slingshot with Plankton on it. Mr. Krabs is holding the slingshot back. Mr. Krabs releases the slingshot. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs in a hockey uniform holding a hockey stick. He is pushing Plankton on some ice that is outside of the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs hits Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs with a curling stone that has Plankton on it. Mr. Krabs pushes the curling stone on the ice. SpongeBob takes a broom and sweeps and walks backwards until he reaches the Chum Bucket. Plankton screams until he hits the Chum Bucket doors. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob in football uniforms. SpongeBob is holding Plankton horizontally in front of Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs runs up and kicks Plankton. Plankton screams and hits the Chum Bucket. There is a goal post painted on the Chum Bucket. SpongeBob pops and puts both his arms horizontally in the air, signally that Mr. Krabs got the point. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs holding Plankton, walking outside the Krusty Krab]

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
I'm tired today, Plankton. [drops Plankton] You're just gonna have to launch yourself. [walks back inside]

Flaskback Plankton:
[tears up. He walks to the Chum Bucket and hits his head on the door] Splat. [begins to cry]

[Karen's laughing is heard. The scene pans out to show the scene on Karen's monitor. The scene shifts to not-recording Plankton]

Plankton:
Karen?!

[The footage is removed and replaced with Karen]

Karen:
I'm sorry. That last part always makes me laugh.

Plankton:
[jumps off his desk] It's just no use!

Karen:
Today's the perfect day to steal the recipe. Krabs will be completely distracted by all the festivities. You can do this.

Plankton:
You really think so?

Karen:
Of course, I do. Now who's my big man?

Plankton:
Oh, Karen.

Karen:
Come on. Come on. Who's my big strong man?

Plankton:
I am.

Karen:
That's right. Now get out there and steal that recipe.

Plankton:
[saluting Karen] Yes, Ma'am!

Crowd:
We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, open your ears. These people have come from miles around because they love my patties. I want every employee on their best behavior.

Squidward:
Are you getting any of this, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Every word, Squidward, every word.

Plankton:
Why must you always ruin my plans?!

SpongeBob:
Plankton, you're trying to steal the Krabby Patty recipe again.

Plankton:
Uh, I didn't, uh...Okay fine. You caught me. You happy now?

SpongeBob:
You know, this reminds me of the time Mr. Krabs confided in me the Krabby Patty recipe. Oh, I don't want to bore you with my silly old stories.

Plankton:
Oh, you couldn't possibly bore me.

SpongeBob:
Well, okay. Mr. Krabs called me into his office.

[A flashback begins. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are shown in Mr. Krabs' office]

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, you've been working here for a while now, so I think I can trust you. It's time I told you.

Flashback SpongeBob:
[screams and gasps] You mean?

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
Yes. The Krabby Patty formular. Follow me, son. [puts his arm around SpongeBob and they start walking] We need to go where no one will ever hear us. [they walk out of the Krusty Krab, leaving Bikini Bottom, going through a jungle while wearing safari explorer clothing, through the desert while wearing desert clothing, on the seas in a storm while wearing rain coats and hats, crossing a bridge in the mountains, climbing up the mountain while wearing winter clothing, and walking up to flat land. They are tired and dirty] Ugh. We finally made it. [pushes SpongeBob ahead quickly until they reach the back of the Krusty Krab; opens the door] Quick, into me office before anyone sees us. [closes the door]

[The flashback ends]

Plankton:
What?! You went in a circle! Why didn't you just stay in the Krusty Krab?!

SpongeBob:
We wanted to make sure we weren't followed. Then, Mr. Krabs leaned close and whispered the recipe.

Plankton:
Yes? Go on.

[The flashback resumes. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are shown in the Krusty Krab. They are cleaned up.]

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
Now, remember, you can never tell another living soul.

Plankton:
Wait! [trying to write it down] Wait! Hold on!

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
[holding on to the edge of the bubble] What's that?

Plankton:
My pen is out of ink! [tries to get the pen to work. Eventually, it works] Okay, okay, go ahead.

Flashback Mr. Krabs:
Plankton. [grabs Plankton] You'll never have get me formula. [squishes Plankton up like a ball] Not even in a flashback. [laughs and throws Plankton through another grate]

Patchy:
For instance, did you know that SpongeBob was not the first choice to star in the show? [gasps] Hard to believe, I know. Watch these opening themes, and you'll see why he was eventually picked.

[The classic film countdown happens. Painty is shown.]

Painty:
Are you ready, kids?

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain.

Painty:
I can't hear you.

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

Painty:
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Squidward's house] ♪Who lives in a monument under the sea?♪

[The door opens and Squidward is shown with pants. He looks down in shock. Hans takes the pants off and Squidward smiles.]

Kids:
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [Squidward falls into a bathtub and his head expands]

Painty:
♪Obnoxious, abrasive, conceded is he!♪ [water comes out of Squidward's mouth and it covers the screen. One it clears, his name is shown in bubbles]

Kids:
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [the name bubbles pop]

Painty:
[as Squidward is shown four times riding his recumbent bicycle with part of his name behind each of the bikes] ♪If practical common sense be something you wish...♪

Kids:
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪

Patchy:
[off-screen] Neeext!

[The classic film countdown happens again. Painty is shown but with a different mouth.]

Painty:
Are you ready, kids?

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain.

Painty:
I can't hear you.

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

Painty:
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Patrick's house] ♪Who lives like a barnacle under the sea?♪

Kids:
♪Patrick Sea Star!♪ [the rock opens and Patrick is shown in his underwear. Hans puts his pants on]

Patrick:
[laughs] Whoa! [falls and starts guffawing]

Patchy:
[off-screen] Nope!

[The classic film countdown happens again and Painty is shown for the third time, but with another different mouth.]

Painty:
Are you ready, kids?

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain.

Painty:
I can't hear you.

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

Painty:
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Mr. Krabs' house] ♪Who lives in an anchor under the sea?♪

Kids:
[the door opens to show Mr. Krabs kissing a bag of money. Hans appears and pulls it away] ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪

Mr. Krabs:
Hey!

Painty:
♪Crusty and red and greedy is he.♪ [the scene shows Hans taking the bag away. Mr. Krabs is following him]

Mr. Krabs:
Come back with me money! [money starts to fall out and Mr. Krabs grabs it]

Kids:
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪ [Mr. Krabs passes some money and goes back to it and picks it up]

Painty:
♪If stingy and greedy is something you wish...♪

Kids:
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪

Mr. Krabs:
Money, money, money, money, money, money.

Patchy:
[the scene returns to him] Ugh. Pretty cruddy, huh, kids?

Plankton:
There's no one here. The Krusty Krab is empty. I've won! The Krabby formula is mine. [runs with it] It took eleventy-seven years, but I got it! [stops] Oh no. [SpongeBob, followed by the customers, runs in] No! [he is kicked, causing him to fly away. He screams. He hits a table then the wall, then the cash register boat, then one of the pillars, he roles until Dale kicks him, causing him to fly up and hit a pillar. Another customer kicks him into the pillar. Nancy kicks him into the pillar. Another customer kicks him into the pillar. He starts rolling] Oh, nuts.

SpongeBob:
[while walking with a plate of Krabby Patties] Did somebody order a Krabby...? [starts slipping on the bottle] Whoa! [screams; tries to keep his balance he rolls off frame and all around the Krusty Krab until he reaches the table again] Look out. Oh. Oh, coming through. Whoa. Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [regains his balance, the bottle goes rolling, and the plate lands on the table with the patties in tact]

Martha, Frankie Billy, and Bill:
Hooray!

Mr. Krabs:
Ah, 'tis a beautiful sight. It warms me heart. [the bottle rolls into the scene, he gasps] Me Krabby Patty recipe! What's it doin' out here? [picks it up] Whoa-ho! Shoulda known! Plankton.

Plankton:
Hey Krabs. uh, happy eleventy-seventh?

Mr. Krabs:
[peels Plankton off the bottle] It's launchin' time. [take Plankton outside]

Plankton:
Please, Krabs, no! I can't take it anymore! No more launching, please?!

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, all right. Since I'm such in a good mood, I'll go easy on you this time. [stretches Plankton, who screams; blows Plankton up like a balloon. He then ties a string on him] There. [lets go of Plankton, who floats] Happy landings, Plankton!

Plankton:
You know, this isn't so bad. Everyone looks like little ants from up here! [starts laughing evilly three times] Wait. Help!

[The scene returns to Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs:
Stay away from the high-tension wires! [Dave walks by] Allow me to open the door for a valued customer.

Dave:
Gee, thanks, mister. Today must be my lucky day. I found a wallet with 50 bucks in it.

Mr. Krabs:
Wow, that's some coincidence 'cause I just lost one earlier today with 50 bu- [realizes] Hey! Wait a minute! Come back with me wallet, ya thieving bilge rat!

SpongeBob:
[flipping patties] Happy anniversary, Krusty Krab. [continues to work and laughs as more cars drive up to the Krusty Krab. The scene changes to show the scene where Patchy is shot out of the whale is shown with the border from the beginning of the episode, but the scene where Patchy is flying in the air is slowed down]

Ricky Gervais:
[voiceover] Wow, Patchy sure made a mess of things, didn't he? He's not much of a pirate either, really, come to think of it. [A canon shot is shown.] That's the problem. [A drawing of Blackbeard is shown.] Not like Blackbeard. Whoa, now there was a pirate. [Footage of a Jolly Roger is shown.] Now, Blackbeard [Footage of a ship shooting another ship is shown.] would have been able to get the real A-listers [Footage of pirates fighting is shown] on his TV special. [A different piece of footage of pirates fighting is shown.] Yeah, your Bruce Willises and your Gwyneth Paltrows [Footage of a sailor that looks like Popeye is shown.] and your Ricky Gervaises. [Footage of a monkey dressed like a sailor with giant shoes holding on to a tilted boat is shown] Let's not forget him. He's...brilliant. [A painting of a shanghaiing is shown.] He wouldn't even have to shanghai them. [Footage of a man on a rope is shown] They would have [An image of a pirate and Footage of a Jolly Roger flag is shown] shown up on set...out of respect [An image of a pirate captain about to hit another pirate with a bucket is shown.] and fear. [Footage of a ship shooting is shown] Back then, pirates were serious business. [Footage of a pirate balloon in a parade is shown.] Patchy's kinda [Footage of a sailor dancing around is shown] giving pirates a bad name, really, [Footage of a kid dressed like a pirate is shown.] if I'm being brutally honest. [Footage of a kid picking up gummy bears and putting them in his shirt pocket is shown.] Oh well, thanks for watching, kiddies. And we'll see you at the 20th anniversary. [Footage of a person flipping over an hourglass is shown.] It...that's 10 years from now. Starting now. [The footage fades to black, along with the whole screen, ending the episode.]

Sadie:
Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of that guy! [citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]

Policeman:
He did, did he?

Patrick:
Uh... SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yes, Patrick?

Patrick:
Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about?

SpongeBob:
I think now would be an excellent time, yes. [the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]