SpongeBob SquarePants, Season Four

[After so many days running 24 hours]

Mr. Krabs:
Day...uh, anyone know how many days it's been? I lost track.

Squidward:
[wheezes] 43.

Plankton:
Okay, I say a word, and I want you to say the first word that pops in your head.

SpongeBob:
Okay!

Plankton:
Work.

SpongeBob:
Work.

Plankton:
Spatula.

SpongeBob:
Spatula.

Plankton:
[annoyed] Bun.

SpongeBob:
Bun.

Plankton:
See, the key is to say something different than what I say.

SpongeBob:
Ooh, Okay, I got it.

Plankton:
Potato.

SpongeBob:
Patotto.

Plankton:
Tomato.

SpongeBob:
Tamotto.

Plankton:
.......

[In SpongeBob's dream]

Krabby Patty:
[points at SpongeBob's chest] I'll always be with you right here.

SpongeBob:
In my heart?

Krabby Patty:
Actually, in your arteries.

[When SpongeBob is cured]

Plankton:
What about the formula???

SpongeBob:
You're right, I gotta go back to work.

Plankton:
Wait! Come back! Therapy doesn't work. You're still sick! Very very sick!

Mr. Krabs:
No more 24 hour shifts, 'cause 23 hours will be plenty!

SpongeBob:
Dirty Bubble, say your prayers!

Snails in Painting:
RUN!!

[Gary sees the fliers SpongeBob and Patrick have been posting all over town, and realizes that SpongeBob wants him back]

SpongeBob:
[in Gary's mind] Gary, please come back to me!

[Gary starts crawling towards his old home]

SpongeBob:
[continued] Go, boy! Go!

Granny:
Oh, there you are, Ms. Tuffsy!

Other Snail:
Who?

Patrick:
SpongeBob! I just remembered! Back at the craft store, I saw...!! These huge chunks of balsa wood! They were AWESOME!

Carl:
Hey fellas! What's going on over here?

Squidward:
Oh, hey Carl! I was just reminding Eugene about article 24, section 3 of the Employee Handbook!

Carl:
Cut the chatter, and pick up a platter. Good job, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs:
What've you done with the real Squidward?!

Carl:
The less you know Eugene, the better

Krabs:
What is going on around here? Where's Spongebob?

Carl:
Now, you wouldn't want to talk to human resources, [a big hitman appears in the doorway] would ya? What's our motto again?

Squidward:
[frightened] Uh-uh... Sincere Service... [slaps himself and dons a large smile] WITH A SMILE!

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, what happened to the krabby patties?

SpongeBob:
I tried to tell them, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME!!

Mr. Krabs:
[seeing Krabby Patties being processed on a conveyor belt] This is obscene!

Mr. Blandy:
Mr. Krabs, is there a problem?

Mr. Krabs:
You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy, but after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time! Not on a conveyor belt!

[An alarm sounds just then. Gray matter oozes out from beneath the closed kitchen door]

Carl:
Oh my.

[While golfing during his retirement]

Mr. Krabs:
Wait a minute. I hate golf!

Carl:
Mr. Blandy?! Code Red! FREE THINKER!

Mr. Krabs:
That's cuz they don't know what they're eating [walks over to woman eating synthesized Krabby Patty while holding the gray ooze behind his back] Excuse me, ma'am, do you know what's in that Krabby Patty you're eating?

Woman:
No (Krabs shows her the ooze She screams and runs away)

Krabs:
See that? Without all your smoke and mirrors no one would stomach this garbage!

Kid:
What'd he say garbage?

Guard:
Right this way.

SpongeBob:
Excuse me, but I believeth you meanteth to say, "Righteth this way-eth!"

Guard:
[holds his spear up to his throat, gulps, then puts it down] Some day, but not today.

Squidly:
Everyone be-eth a critic.

Patrick:
Me thinks it's mutton-tastic!

Patrick:
[stomach growls] What does a guy have to do to get some mutton around here? I'm starving!

Mermaid Man:
Bonko!

Barnacle Boy:
It's "bingo!"

Mermaid Man:
Get your hands off me, woman!

Sandy:
Did somebody say "boom"?! [blows up movie set with dynamite]

Mr. Krabs:
PLANKTON!

Plankton:
KRABS!

Mrs. Krabs:
EUGENE!

Mr. Krabs:
Mommy?

Plankton:
Mommy?!

SpongeBob:
SpongeBob!

Mr. Krabs:
SPONGEBOB!

Plankton:
This delectable creature is your mother?

Mr. Krabs:
This no-good, conniving chizzler is your date?!

SpongeBob:
And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter!

Mr. Krabs:
SPONGEBOB!!!

Plankton:
Excuse me! I can't reach my silverware!

SpongeBob:
Terribly sorry, sir. [pulls out a smaller chair and table, places it on the big table, and puts Plankton into it] Will there be anything else?

Plankton:
Is my tie on straight?

SpongeBob:
You...look....FABULOUS!!!

Mrs. Krabs:
Oh, Sheldon.

Plankton:
Oh, Mrs. Krabs. [snaps fingers]

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, brother.

Mrs. Krabs:
Eugene you put me boyfriend down this

instant!

Plankton:
Boyfriend?

Mr. Krabs:
But, Mommy.

Plankton:
You heard the lady let me go. That's more like it

Mrs Krabs:
Come Plankton I'm sorry me son had to spoil our romantic evening

Krabs:
Mommy?

Plankton:
Well, I'm in the food service, I'm a bit of a restauranteur. I'm the owner of the Chum Bucket.

Mrs. Krabs:
Never heard of it.

Plankton:
[looks shocked] It's across the street.

Mrs. Krabs:
Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton:
[holds up a telephone directory] It's on the back of the phone book. Come on, I paid a lot of money for that ad! Never mind, never mind. So, tell me about you.

Patrick:
[to Squidward] May I suggest that on the seventh bar of the 'Adagio Andante' that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated B flat scale.

Squidward:
Wow, I never thought to do it like that!

Patrick:
That is because you rarely think.

Spongebob:
How do you know so much about music?

Patrick:
A creative outlet provides a spiritual release and helps facilitate a healthy mental balance.

Patrick:
Knowledge can never replace friendship! I PREFER TO BE AN IDIOT!

SpongeBob:
You're not just an idiot Patrick, you're also my pal!

SpongeBob:
Patrick! You're back!

Patrick:
Patrick, you're back.

[They hug each other]

Krabs:
OK Squidward you man the front desk

Patrick:
I'd like a Krabby Patty please

Squidward:
This is a hotel now. If you want a Krabby Patty, you'll have to get a room and order room service

Patrick:
OK! One Krabby Patty and one room. With cheese. Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty too?

Squidward:
Patrick you live 400 yards away. Why do you wanna check into a hotel?

Patrick:
Sometimes I need to get away from it all. This hotel has everything

Squiddy:
Give me that Now sign the register

Squiddy:
Close enough here's your room key

Patrick:
I'll need some help with my bags.

Squidward:
How can you have bags? You just found out this is a hotel!

Patrick:
This is a hotel?

Squiddy:
D'oh! Spongebob!

Spongebob:
Yes Squiddy?

Squiddy:
Take Patrick and his bags to his room

Patrick:
What about my Krabby Patty?

Squiddy:
And bring him a Krabby Patty

Krabs:
Squidward you can take Patrick's bags up to his room Spongebob you go make the Patty

Squiddy:
Oh Mr Krabs!

Krabs:
What's the matter afraid of a little manual labor?

Mr. Krabs:
This elevator is for guests only. Take the employee elevator!

[Sqidward enters the employee elevator and discovers it's a large flight of steps. Upon seeing this, he growls angrily]

Squidward:
[while carrying Patrick's suitcases] What's in these things? Rocks?

[Squidward drops the suitcases, which spring open. Several rocks fall out]

Squidward:
Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks?

Patrick:
I don't tell you how to live your life!

Patrick:
Squidward!

Squiddy:
What now?!

Patrick:
I don't like crusts on my sandwich

Squidward:
It's a bun, it's all crust! How am I supposed to cut the crust off a bun?

Patrick:
Peel it

Squidward:
(Angrily peels crust off) Happy?

[Patrick gleefully enjoys his Krabby Patty]

Spongebob:
Room service! Here's the 50 Krabby Patties you ordered

Patrick:
Could you do 1 more thing for me?

Squiddy:
Why don't you ask Spongebob?

Patrick:
Good idea Squidward

Spongebob:
How may I serve you sir?

Patrick:
I need you to eat these Krabby Patties with me

Spongebob:
Oh yes sir!

Krabs:
Hold on. Squidward Patrick needs your help

Squiddy:
What?! Why didn't he ask me before I walked all the way downstairs?

Krabs:
He said he didn't wanna bother you but he got over it

Squidward:
And I'd like to order room service. I'd like a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hairs.

Krabs:
You gotta be kidding me

Squidward:
And I'd like it here in five seconds.

Spongebob:
Yes sir! Here ya are sir

Mr. Krabs:
Well, you've got your stinky sandwich. Now eat it

Squidward:
Oh, I'm not gonna eat this. You are.

Mr. Krabs:
What? You're outta your mind if you think I'm gonna eat that!

SpongeBob:
That's not really a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenails and nose hair

Mr. Krabs:
Now I get ya boy All right, Squidward. [Mr. Krabs bites into the patty, but sticks his tongue out in disgust. On it, there are toenail clippings and nose hairs] Spongebob!

SpongeBob:
Sorry, Mr. Krabs we were all out of cheese.

Patrick:
Hooray!

Krabs:
What is it Squidward?

Squiddy:
Send up a dozen cookies just like Mom used to make

Squidward:
This room is hideous. Redesign it! Neptune XIV would be nice.

[Many designs later]

Squidward:
Perfect!

Mr. Krabs:
This room is exactly the same as when we started!

Squidward:
Nothing like getting back to the basics.

[Towards the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward wind up in the hospital. Mr. Krabs is alarmed to see at how high their medical bill is]

Mr. Krabs:
FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!!!

Squidward:
You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?

Mr. Krabs:
Not at these prices! Forget hotels, this hospital wreck's where the money is!

Patrick:
This is a hospital?

Mr. Krabs:
Pack your bags, boys! You're going to medical school!

Patrick & SpongeBob:
Hooray!

Squidward:
Oh, boy...

Sergeant Roderick:
[smashes through the door] Hello, worthless students! [SpongeBob shivers in fear] I'm your new instructor. [smashes Mrs. Puff's nametag] No one's ever failed my class, that's lived through it. I can assure you these next four weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spines will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot! [students groan in discomfort] You will drive out of this school in style, or you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking!

Student #1:
[raises hand] Does that mean?

Sergeant Roderick:
Second rule: No eating in my class. [takes out a box of chocolates] Would anyone care for a bon-bon?

Student #2:
Uh, I'll eat one... [raises hand, all other students gasp]

Sergeant Roderick:
Pick your favorite. [The student picks up a bon-bon, slurps it up with his tongue and chews] How's it taste...?

Student #2:
It's a delightful taste sensation

Sergeant Roderick:
NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM! Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... [all the students flee, laving SpongeBob alone] Looks like you're the man... Sponge

SpongeBob:
I am?

(Scene cuts to outside)

Sergeant:
Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?

Spongebob:
Yes sir I'm ready to drive!

Sergeant:
What do you think you're doing?

Spongebob:
Ready for my test sir

Sergeant:
You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that 1st This is the most grueling driving course ever devised You will learn every turn bump and crack on it You'll start out crawling it

Spongebob:
Crawl?

SpongeBob:
[crawling on his hands and feet on a driving course then notices a pebble] PEBBLE!! [the pebble gets stuck in SpongeBob's hand] YYYEEOOOOW! OOOOOW! [falls onto his butt but keeps accelerating forward, leaving a trail of fire behind him. He flies up a vertical section of road and into the air, continuing to scream out, "YEEOOW! OOOOW!", grasping onto the wrist of the hand with the pebble stuck in it. He falls back down and is caught by his driving instructor. His arm then snaps off, and his body drops the ground]

Sergeant Roderick:
I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. [crushes the pebble between thumb and forefinger] What are you supposed to be learning in my class?

SpongeBob:
How to drive, sir?

Sergeant:
Affirmative but before you learn to drive you must learn to crawl and then you learn to walk and then you learn to run but before you learn to walk, you must learn to CRAWL! I WANT YOU TO CRAWL!!

SpongeBob:
SIR, YES, SIR!!

Sergeant:
Now get out there!

(MuscleBob Buffpants intro music plays as Spongebob makes his way through the grueling course)

SpongeBob:
[after he destroys every obstacle in the driving course] So, heh... how'd I do?

Sergeant Roderick:
How'd you do...? [lifts up a broken fragment of a civilian obstacle SpongeBob destroyed] Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian HOW YOU DID?!

Mrs. Puff:
I feel so serene now that I'm finally away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
Step three...engage blindfold!

Sergeant Roderick:
What?! You can't drive a boat with a blindfold! That's illegal!

SpongeBob:
But...I can't do it without a blindfold--

Sergeant Roderick:
DRIVE, BOY! DRIIIVE!

SpongeBob:
[floors the gas pedal and crashes into a huge canister labeled, "GAS", obliterating the boating school facility in a mushroom-radius explosion. The boat flies into the air and lands on a main road]

Sergeant Roderick:
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! YOU'RE OFF COURSE!

Sergeant Roderick:
[grabs the shirt collar of Mr. Fitz] If I don't stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! [jumps onto the hood of the car, then into the air. He lands in front of the boat]

Sergeant Roderick:
COME GET SOOOME!

[The boat plows into the instructor, knocking him away]

SpongeBob:
Did I pass?

Mr. Fitz:
Well, if there was a "destroy the city" part of the test, you would have.

SpongeBob:
Hey, Mrs. Puff. Sorry I'm "unteachable."

Mrs. Puff:
It's okay... Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back...and your dossier was destroyed in the explosion... [trembling voice] so, it's as if you never failed!

SpongeBob:
[while the real SpongeBob is sobbing on the floor] All that glitters is not gold.

Plankton:
[to wishing well] I have presented you with a monetary offering as custom dictates. My wish - nay, my command - is to be taller! Just a little. Just big enough so I can crush my enemies like the vermin they are!

Squidward:
You're making me claustrophobic.

Patrick:
What does claustrophobic mean?

SpongeBob:
It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.

Squidward:
No it doesn't!

Patrick:
HO HO HO!

SpongeBob:
Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!

Patrick:
HO HO HO!

Squidward:
It's not working, Patrick.

Patrick:
Darn it.

Spongebob:
Uh, Squidward, you're stepping on my foot.

Squidward:
Oh! Sorry, Spongebob.

Patrick:
And you got your elbow in my ribs.

Squidward:
[looks down and sees his elbow in a plate of ribs] Ew... Patrick!

Patrick:
And stop stepping on my potato salad! [pushes Squidward]

Squidward:
Stop pushing me, Patrick! [pushes him back]

Patrick:
Oh, you mean like this? [pushes him]

Squidward:
No, like this! [pushes him; the camera pans to SpongeBob as fighting sounds are heard]

SpongeBob:
We shouldn't fight in here! This is a magical place...

[camera pans to outside the well]

Squidward:
Patrick, get off of me!

[camera pans back to the bottom of the well, Patrick is sitting on Squidward]

Squidward:
PATRICK! I told you I am claustrophobic!

Patrick:
Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here!

Squidward:
PATRICK!!

Mr. Krabs:
[upon learning about wishing wells] Suckers throw money down a well for fun? That's the greatest scam ever!

Mr. Krabs:
You'll never get me to believe in magic, NEVER! Just to prove it to you, I'll demonstrate! [takes out a penny and walks over to the well] I wish I was steamed, and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs as he tosses the penny in]

Spongebob:
Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOO!

Mr. Krabs:
Well, where's your magic now? [disappears; the camera pans to a steamed crab on a plate] Ohhh, where am I? [a side of melted butter is placed next to the steamed crab] What's going on, here? [a man puts on an apron with a picure of a red crab silhouette that reads "THE END"] Uh-oh! [quickly and cautiously] I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! OOOH, NOOOOOO!

Squidward:
Come on Spongebob this hole's not going to dig its self. [Adds to himself] And I'm sertanily not going to do it.

Patrick:
[puts his finger in his head] Huh, I didn't even know I had an ear.

Patrick:
[has just returned to his house after his work shift, only to find that SpongeBob is already under his rock, kneeling in the corner] Huh?

SpongeBob:
Who do they think they are? I've given the best years of my life to this place and they think they can just fire me like that? Like TRASH? I don't think so...

Patrick:
[concerned] SpongeBob?... Is that you?

SpongeBob:
[turns to Patrick with a demented look on his face] I've been waiting for you, Patrick! [Patrick gasps as SpongeBob menacingly advances towards him]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, you're scaring me! [screams] [SpongeBob laughs maniacally as he continues towards Patrick]

Announcer:
Congratulations Mr Star You are the one millionth person to pass the test.

Patrick:
Does this mean I get a free keychain?

Fish:
No you get a brand new boatmobile! The new Bass Blaster 3000 the ultimate boating machine

SpongeBob:
Now you can put this plate on your boatmobile.

Patrick:
Oh, I threw it away. The needle was on E, so I guess that means "End."

Patrick:
Learning tastes good!

Patrick:
58 is like, the luckiest number ever!

Mr. Krabs:
[after making SpongeBob man the drive-thru] It's for those people on the open road, living their dreams.

SpongeBob:
I used to have a dream.

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.

[Mr. Krabs scurries away as Patrick pulls up to the drive-thru and beeps his horn loudly]

Patrick:
The horn still works!!

Squidward:
Has it ever crossed your mind that you might be getting all worked up over nothing?

SpongeBob:
Squidward, when have I ever been known to overreact?

[Numerous flashbacks]

SpongeBob:
Squidward, we're out of napkins! [cries] Out of napkins!

[SpongeBob is shown banging on Sqidward's door]

SpongeBob:
Squidward, I accidentally removed the "Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law" tag on my mattress! Hide me! Hide me!

[The next flashback shows nothing but dark]

SpongeBob:
Squidward! Squidward! I've gone blind! [Squidward turns the lights on] Oh. Thanks, Squidward!

[Flashbacks end]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, you always overreact to everything! It's one of your many annoying traits.

SpongeBob:
Me, annoying? [starts laughing annoyingly] Yeah, right.

Mr Krabs:
Wait! Don't you wanna spend your money?

Old Guy:
Don't you wanna kiss the seat of my pants?

SpongeBob:
[singing]

Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me

He said, it's gonna be a good one just wait and see!

Jumped out of bed and I ran outside

Feeling so extra-ecstatticfied!

It's the best day ever!

Best day ever!

[On the first part, his house is on fire]