Squidbillies, Season 1

Narrator:
That large building over there is Dan Halen Sheetrock. They specialize in sheetrock, sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws, pharmaceuticals, petroleum, global mass media, third-world covert military operations, and...

TV Announcer:
...the Baby Hammock!

Early:
I do apprecinate the generous offer, but knifery is the tool of the idiot. I listen to my gut, and my gut tells me that this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work and gut's a damn moron; so they get to carryin' on, and then my brain chimes in and sayin' I got to try my hand at the fast sex-paced world of adult literature.

Dan Halen:
So under experience you've listed here, on your hat-shaped resume, that you can: skin a buck, run a trout-line and that all your rowdy friends-

Early:
Are comin' over tonight, yes sir.

Dan Halen:
Early, you're the most impressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.

Early:
Well I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.

Dan Halen:
Overt racial prejudice. Impressive, Early.

Early:
What I gotta do?

Dan Halen:
Well, you're my boss, and as CEO, you'll have certain responsibilities like showing up...and leaving...and accepting liability for...certain class action lawsuits that may, or may not, and in fact, currently are being levied against new products, such as...

TV Announcer:
The Pocket Surgeon! Just scrape the rust from the collapsible tumor scoop and...

(Dan stops the commercial)

Dan Halen:
Look, you won't have to know any of this stuff. The point is people are dumb, not like you.

Early:
Is my mind goin on me or am I watching you jibber jabber like some sort of jibberty box. Jibber Jabber on! Jibber Jabber on!

Dan Halen:
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a brash intern. It won't happen again...sir.

Early:
Well, damn. Now I feel bad. Tell you what, take the day off. Workin' with me, fire 'n ice. I gotta warn ye! Fire 'n ice.

Early:
Today we's learnin' about rawks. They's all kinds of rawks. These [picks up rock] is rawks which you throw. These here [throws rock at Rusty] is rawks that you get hit with. And this, [pulls out Rusty's tooth] is a tooth. Now time for attendence. Rusty.

[silence]

Early:
Rusty.

[silence]

Early:
[grabs Rusty] Boy, do you wanna pass this class or what?

Rusty:
Yes I do Daddy I'd like that very much.

Early:
Then when I say Rusty, you say here. Rusty.

Rusty:
... Rusty.

Early:
Ok. On to history. What just happened?

Rusty:
... I dunno.

Early:
Hell I dunno either. Must be a repossessed memory. Damn you party liquor! [looks at liquor, which is actually a can of paint thinner, in contempt and starts to drink]

Early:
Today we's going on a field trip. This here's a field. And you's goin' take a trip!

Rusty:
Daddy I din know we had well.

Early:
We don't. [Throws Rusty into a well. Rusty screams] If ya get out ya pass.

[Rusty enters covered in sewage]

Rusty:
Did I pass?

Early:
Pass what?

Rusty:
The field trip!

Early:
............. Nope. Now clean yourself up you're going to a prom.

[at a dance in Early's house, Lil is dancing with Rusty]

Granny:
Oh. Do you mind if I cut between you lovely couple?

Lil:
Oh, I believe this young man is taken.

Granny:
Oh, I just got sassed by a whore.

Lil:
[takes out knife] Back off, bitch he is mine!

Granny:
[takes out knife] Yeah, let's see what whore moves you got.

[They start having a fight. They then start making out]

Rusty:
Ain't nothin' gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress conganacious thunk.

Early:
Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy, come on!

Sheriff:
Oh hell, Early, I gave that to Granny.

Early:
What the hell?

Sheriff:
Well, I mean, she said she was the principal.

Early:
She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn- [The three are run over by a passing train]

Early:
Nope, I don't need no internet. No sir. Not in my life.

Rusty:
What's that, daddy?

Early:
Rusty, what do you think of white people?

Rusty:
Well, I... I reckon they OK. I'll like 'em ol' Doobie Brothers.

Early:
[To Granny] He ain't ready.

Granny:
That's not rightly fair, Early. We all of us love 'em Doobie Brothers.

Early:
Yeah, I reckon you right. Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove!

Granny:
Russell, you ready for the special night tonight?

Rusty:
What we gonna do? Go down Atlanta, whip our shirts off and start a bunch of bullmess?

Early:
Nope [spits]... funner than that.

Granny:
Give us the strength to cleanse the earth of the milk/chalk scourge, so's to keep 'em away from me.

Early:
Dump 'em on an island! Blow up the island! (Shoots his gun in the sky) Whoo!

Granny:
Look ye upon this cash money, a symbol of the whites' power, how they jingulate their pockets full of metal-y money.

(Early pulls a water jug full of coins)

Early:
Burn all the...metal-ly money.

Granny:
Burn it now!

(Early tosses the jug in the fire)

Early:
Whoo! Alright now, Granny, burn your money.

Granny:
No thank you (replaces money under robe)... and these skis, tools of their wicked recreational activity.

Early:
Chalk-man a' skiing on his white snow in his tightie whites, just like the white wing dove sing a song about what they singin'!

Granny:
Whoo, baby, whoo, baby, whoo.

Rusty:
Burn the damn skis!

Early:
At a boy Rusty, burn them sum-bitches, embrace the hatred!

Rusty:
...and they live in houses, don't they daddy?

[Early stares at Rusty and contemplates]

Early:
Burn the damn house!

Lil:
(Sitting inside the burning house) Huh... I guess white people do live in houses.

Rusty:
Hot damn! What about these trees over here daddy?

Early:
Hmm? What about these trees granny?

Granny:
No, the trees are fine.

[Early stares at Rusty and contemplates]

Early:
Burn the damn trees!

Granny:
Burn 'em!

(A figure in a pure white robe emerges from the woods)

Granny:
Look everyone, it's the creature from the prophecy!

Sheriff:
Nah it's just me. Help me Oobi Wan, you're my only hope. (Picks up Early and kisses him) For luck. Remember that? Get it? Star Wars? (All stare at the Sheriff) Ain't this a Sci-Fi convention?

Early:
Enter the circle of fire and answer the inquisitation

Granny:
Answer the inquisitation!

Early:
Tell me sheriff, what do you, eh, what do you think of white people?

Sheriff:
Eh they're all right I guess. I mean I like 'em Doobie Brothers.

Early:
Doobies aside! Doobies has been disquackified, alright?

Sheriff:
Actually Early I really don't mind whites so much. I mean some of my best friends are white. Like me, I'm white!

Early:
You what to the what now!

Sheriff:
Did I mention to you that boys. Hey look... See, white as a Vidalia onion and twice as sweet.

Granny:
Oh no!

Early:
Ohhh denial. Denial!! I have done been deceptified by a salesman!

Granny:
Burn the sheriff!

(Rusty sets fire to the tip of the Sheriff's shoe; the Sheriff stomps it out)

Sheriff:
Hey, hey, hey. Woah, woah. Is this what this is all about, a hate white rally?

Early:
Well it don't have to be just whites. I mean we're all inclusive here... except for those damn whites.

Sheriff:
Why do you squids hate whites so badly?

Early:
Typical. Whitey needs an explanation for every damn thing.

(After ordering Rusty to set fire to the house earlier in the episode)

Early:
What happened to the damn house?

Rusty:
That there is a symbol of the evil white chalky man daddy.

Early:
It's a symbol of where I keep my shit, son!

Granny:
I'll tell you something and I'll say it right now with my mouth and it needs to be listended: Whites is too reflective, with their sheeny skin, beating sunlight into my eyes.

Early:
Can't tell them apart. Looking like a bunch of lightbulbs with shoes on, all be-boppin' around all over the place.

Granny:
Except for you sheriff, you one of the good'uns...

Early:
Oh yeah, yeah, you one of the good ones.

Sheriff:
Thank you ma'm.

Granny:
[Whispers] 'Cause you got a gun.

Early:
Now sheriff, unless you come up here to sex-atize, hump-ify or bang-ulate my grandma, then I suggest you turn your purty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.

Sheriff:
I will Early, but before I go I'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man. Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, a white man. How about Crawford Long? He discovered Ether, when he wasn't busy being white. And you know that sphinx and the ancient pyramids of Egypt? Who do you think built those Rusty?

Rusty:
I don't know... chalk-casians?

Sheriff:
Actually no but they were in charge probably. Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name, Larry Bird, the inventor of the slam dunk. That's a signature white move. Look it up. Rusty, you know the rap music?

Rusty:
I know the NWA. (sings) The police going straight from the underground. They don't like a brother 'cause hes...brown.

Sheriff:
Well those N's wouldn't have any A at all, if it wasn't for the white police state. In fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites. So now what do ya think? How you like me now?

Rusty:
What about slavery?

Sheriff:
Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.

Rusty:
But didn't y'all like whip 'em and stuff?

Sheriff:
Nuh-uh-uh Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red Indians.

Early:
Uh-uh! Hell no! Not this land, Red Man! (Starts shooting wildly into the woods)

Sheriff:
...and your granny over there? She'd be plunkin' her life's savin's into five dollar slots at a Cherokee casino and spa watchin' Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October, followed by The Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.

(Gunshot awakens grandma)

Granny:
Silence the lies. Ooohh. Why do things have to change? We've been hatin' whites since Jesus was a junebug!

Sheriff:
Granny, even he was a white man. Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus. Go ahead, pull his sandle.

[Granny pulls and it makes a fart sound and says "Gotcha"]

Granny:
Aw...

[Early, having finally emptied his shotgun, throws it into the woods]

Early:
Now get on back to ye' teepees!

Sheriff:
Folks, my point is this: Whites.

Sheriff:
Early, ain't no whites ever bothered you. I guess you just hatin' for the sake of hatin'.

Early:
Mmmm, it ain't that sheriff, it's something else. [Begins to daydream] She was my dream, my muse, a vision suitable for the wide screen format. I can still tast

Rusty:
Daddy, I need to know once and for all...

Early:
Aw, dammit, not this again! I told you boy, if your momma's white then that makes me a damn chalky lover. Now do I look like a chalky lover to you?!?

Rusty:
Well I don't know daddy, you do drink alot.

Early:
Yes I do... and I fight... but, some other crazy sum-bitch is the one what bangulated and inpregnified that white womern, not I!

Rusty:
So you're saying my mama was white?

(Early stares at Rusty and contemplates)

Early:
Wait a minute, what'd I say?

Early:
[Daydreaming about Krystal] Your mama was a vision in alabaster, a white lily of the field, rich with scented pollen and the sweet odor of the Morning Mist. Diet Morning Mist actually, although sometimes she would drink the regular if they's out of the diet. She was enormous; but Lord, did I love her... for 32 franatic seconds. (Swings hat over head) Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! The lovin' was good!

[Showing Rusty the family photo album]

Krystal:
Well, then there's one of me. (Turns page) Here's one of them, what you call, them Glamour Shots, what have you. (Turns page) What do you know, there's me! Nope, that's a bus.

Rusty:
Am I in any of these pictures momma?

Krystal:
Well, uh... well look at this one, I'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one.

Rusty:
Ooh...

Krystal:
Yeah, I sent that in to Spunk magazine. Fools rejected it. You'd print this, wouldn't you?

Rusty:
My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream - rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite.

Krystal:
How is your daddy?

Rusty:
Ah he's good, he's good, just got out of prison not too long ago.

Krystal:
No, I'm sorry - who, who's your daddy? Anyone I know?

Rusty:
Uhh, Early Cuyler.

Krystal:
Tall guy?

Rusty:
Nope.

Krystal:
Big belly?

Rusty:
No, not the one.

Krystal:
Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
Not him either.

Krystal:
Or is Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
Mmm no, not Charlie Sheen.

Krystal:
Is he a football team?

Rusty:
Nope.

Krystal:
Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team?

Rusty:
No.

Krystal:
Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
No momma! Early Cuyler's his name! About yay high. I've been told we look alike, espically around the eye region - same shape of eye, you know, right here.

Early:
Howdy doody to you, Krystal. It's been many years - but you, you ain't moved a bit.

Doctor:
Hmm now that's interesting.

Early:
What?

(Doctor hits dead rabbit with a hammer)

Doctor:
This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.

Narrator:
Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen International had not been long, but it had been distinguished. By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance. I would call it a steady decline in performance, but that would imply that he performed at one point in time. In fact he had not. He was drunk.

Early:
Allow me to explain the contamination process: pine cones go in here, party liquors come out here, and proceed to here (pointing at mouth); fights begin, fingerprints is took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.

Early:
Aw hell, that's the office! I can't believe I have to go into the office on a Wednesday! Them people can't wipe they ass without me!

Early:
Howdy doody, Donna, nice ass this morning, yeah! You wearing panties?

Donna:
Actually, I need to get off here...

Early:
Steve, big dog! Here's the pot I've been growin' on my property. See if this don't help wit' your wife bitchin' and all that mess!

Steve:
Not here, man...

Early:
Pine cone liquor? Anybody? Well then...how 'bout a fried possum pecker? Uh oh! [belches]

Early:
See if that sumbitch'll fax now.

Glenn:
It never was able to fax. It's a coffee maker.

Early:
(long pause) You dumbass, you can't fax coffee! Coffee don't fax worth a damn. Every time the rain hits it'll run. Damn you uhh dumb sumbitch.

Early:
What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age?

Rusty:
You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do and It's my body and I can kill it however I want to and America's about freedom

Early:
Son, there's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that, and it's your welfare I care about. You know, that check? Did it come today?