Supernatural, Season 5

Supernatural (2005-) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences.
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Dean:
All right, well, first things first; how did we end up on Soul Plane?

Dean:
Where's Cas?

Chuck:
He's dead. Or gone. The archangels smote the crap out of him. I'm sorry.

Dean:
You're sure? I mean, maybe he just vanished into the light or something.

Chuck:
Oh, no. He, like, exploded. Like a water balloon of chunky soup.

Chuck:
Oh god. Is that a molar? Now I have a molar in my hair? This has been a really stressful day.

Becky:
Yes, I'm a fan, but I really don't appreciate being mocked. I know that "Supernatural" is just a book, okay? I know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Chuck:
Becky, it's all real.

Becky:
I knew it!

Becky:
He had a vision. "The Michael sword is on earth. The angels lost it."

Dean:
The Michael sword?

Sam:
Becky, does he know where it is?

Becky:
In a castle. On a hill made of forty-two dogs.

Dean:
Forty-two dogs...?

Sam:
Uh, are you sure you got that right?

Becky:
It doesn't make sense! But that's what he said. I memorized every word... for you.

Sam:
Um... Becky, can- uh... can you quit touching me?

Becky:
No.

Bobby:
That's Michael. Toughest son of a bitch they've got.

Dean:
Are you kidding me? Tough? The guy looks like Cate Blanchett.

Sam:
You guys warned me about Ruby, the demon blood, but I didn't listen. I brought this on.

Bobby:
You're damn right you didn't listen. You were reckless and selfish and arrogant.

Sam:
I'm sorry.

Bobby:
Oh, yeah? You're sorry you started Armageddon?! This kind of thing don't get forgiven, boy. If by some miracle we pull this off... I want you to lose my number. You understand me?

Zachariah:
I see you told the demons where the sword is.

Dean:
Oh, thank God, the angels are here.

Zachariah:
We may have planted that particular piece of prophecy inside Chuck's skull, but it happened to be true. We did lose the Michael sword, we truly couldn't find it. Until now, you've just hand-delivered it to us.

Dean:
We don't have anything.

Zachariah:
...It's you, Chucklehead. You're the Michael sword.

Zachariah:
You're Michael's weapon. Or rather his... receptacle.

Dean:
I'm a vessel?

Zachariah:
You're the vessel. Michael's vessel.

Dean:
How? Why- why me?

Zachariah:
Because you're chosen! It's a great honor, Dean.

Dean:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.

Zachariah:
Joking. Always joking, well... no more jokes. Bang. [breaks Sam's legs]

Dean:
You son of a bitch!

Zachariah:
Keep mouthing off, I'll break more than his legs.

Dean:
You need my consent. Michael needs my say-so to ride around in my skin.

Zachariah:
Unfortunately, yes.

Dean:
Well, there's got to be another way.

Zachariah:
There is no other way, there must be a battle. Michael must defeat the Serpent. It is written.

Dean:
Yeah, maybe. But, on the other hand... eat me. The answer's no.

Zachariah:
[after giving Dean cancer, and debilitating Sam's lungs] Are we having fun yet? You're going to say "yes", Dean.

Dean:
Just kill us.

Zachariah:
Kill you? Oh no... I'm just getting started.

Zachariah:
How are you...?

Castiel:
...alive? It's a good question. How did these two end up on that airplane? Another good question, as the angels didn't do it. I think we both know the answer, don't we?

Zachariah:
No. That's not possible.

Castiel:
It scares you. Well, it should. Now put these boys back together, and go. I won't ask twice.

Castiel:
You two need to be more careful.

Dean:
Yeah, I'm starting to get that. Your frat brothers are bigger dicks than I thought.

Dean:
[referring to the Enochian sigils] What, did you just brand us with it?

Castiel:
No, I carved it into your ribs.

Sarah/Lucifer:
I'm not your wife, Nick. I'm an angel.

Nick:
An angel?

Sarah/Lucifer:
My name is Lucifer.

Nick:
Sure. Naturally, um... could you do me a favor there, Satan, and remind me to quit drinking before I go to bed?

Sarah/Lucifer:
Don't be afraid. This is your choice. You need to invite me in.

Nick:
Even if this is real, which it's not, but assuming it was, why the hell would I do something like that?

Dean:
What if we win? I'm serious. I mean, screw the angels and the demons and their crap Apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war? They can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on, we kill the Devil, hell, we even kill Michael if we have to, but we do it our own damn selves.

Bobby:
And how are we supposed to do all this, genius?

Dean:
[shrugs] I have no idea. But what I do have is a G.E.D., and a "give 'em hell" attitude and I'll figure it out.

Bobby:
You are nine kinds of crazy, boy.

Dean:
It's been said.

Sam:
Dean... is there something you wanna say to me?

Dean:
I tried, Sammy. Man, I really tried. But I just can`t keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother... and look what happened.

Sam:
I would give anything, anything, to take it all back-

Dean:
I know you would. And I know how sorry you are, I do. But, man... you were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even... I'm just- I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?

Sam:
What can I do?

Dean:
Honestly? Nothing. I just don't... I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you.

Dean:
What's it been, like three days now? We got to cheer [Bobby] up. Maybe I'll give him a back rub.

Dean:
Cell phone, Cas? Really?

Bobby:
Enough foreplay! Get over here and lay your damn hands on.

Bobby:
You're telling me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this trap the rest of my life?!

Castiel:
I'm sorry.

Bobby:
Shove it up your ass.

Dean:
[quietly, to Sam] Well, at least he's talking now.

Bobby:
I heard that.

Castiel:
I don't have much time; we need to talk.

Dean:
Okay.

Castiel:
Your plan. "Kill Lucifer."

Dean:
Yeah, you wanna help?

Castiel:
No. It's foolish, it can't be done.

Dean:
Oh, well, thanks for the support.

Dean:
God?

Castiel:
Yes.

Dean:
God.

Castiel:
Yes. He isn't in Heaven, he has to be somewhere.

Dean:
Try New Mexico, I hear He's on a tortilla.

Castiel:
No, He's not on any flatbread.

Dean:
Listen, chuckles, even if there is a God, He's either dead, and that's the generous theory-

Castiel:
He is out there, Dean.

Dean:
...or, He's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. I mean, look around you, man; the world is in the toilet! We are literally at the end of days here, and He's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. Alright?

Castiel:
Enough. This is not a theological issue; it's strategic. With God's help, we can win.

Dean:
It's a pipe-dream, Cas.

Castiel:
[angrily] I killed two angels this week. That's my brothers. I'm hunted, I have rebelled, and I did it - all of it - for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.

Bobby:
When you find God, tell Him to send legs!

Ellen:
Real glad to see you boys (hugs Dean then slaps him across the face)

Dean:
Ow!

Ellen:
The can of whup-ass I oughtta open on you! What you can't pick up a phone?! What are you? Allergic to giving me piece of mind? I gotta find out that your alive from Rufus !?

Dean:
Sorry, Ellen.

Ellen:
Yeah, you better be! You better put me on speed-dial, kid.

Dean:
Yes, ma'am

Ellen:
My daughter may be an idiot, but she's not stupid.

War:
Honestly, people don't need a reason to kill each other. I mean, you seen the Irish? They're all Irish.

Rufus:
In my experience, demons come at you slower if they're in a body with no limbs.

Rufus:
"Stop firing." It usually means "stop firing."

Dean:
So. Pit stop at Mount Doom?

Sam:
Dean-

Dean:
Sam, let's not.

Sam:
No, listen, this is important. I know you don't trust me. Just, now I realize something. I don't trust me either. From the minute I saw that blood, the only thought in my head... And I tell myself it's for the right reasons, that my intentions are good, and it- it feels true, you know? But I think, underneath... I just miss the feeling. I know how messed up that sounds, which means, I know how messed up I am... The thing is, the problem's not the demon blood, not really, I mean, I- what I did, I can't blame the blood, or Ruby, or... anything. The problem's me. How far I'll go. There's something in me that... scares the hell outta me, Dean. In the last couple of days, I caught another glimpse.

Dean:
So what are you saying?

Sam:
I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best if we just go our separate ways.

Dean:
Well I think you're right.

Sam:
I was expecting a fight.

Dean:
The truth is, I spend more time worrying about you, than about doing the job right. I just can't afford that, you know? Not now.

Sam:
I'm sorry, Dean.

Dean:
I know you are, Sam. Hey, you, uh... wanna take the Impala?

Sam:
It's okay. Take care of yourself, Dean.

Dean:
Yeah, you too, Sammy.

Jess:
Hey baby. I missed you.

Sam:
Jessica? I'm dreaming.

Jess:
Or you're not. What's the difference? I'm here.

Sam:
I miss you, so much.

Jess:
I know. I miss you too. What are you doing, Sam?

Sam:
What do you mean?

Jess:
Running away. Haven't we been down this road before?

Sam:
No. It's different now.

Jess:
[a statement rather than a question] Really.

Sam:
Last time, I wanted to be normal. This time... I know I'm a freak.

Jess:
Which is all a big ball of semantics. You know that.

Sam:
No.

Jess:
Even at Stanford, you knew. You knew there was something dark inside of you. Deep down, maybe, but you knew. Maybe that's what got me killed.

Sam:
No.

Jess:
I was dead from the moment we said hello.

Sam:
No!

Jess:
Don't you get it? You can't run from yourself. Why are you running now?

Sam:
Why are you here, Jess?

Jess:
Would you believe I'm actually trying to protect you?

Sam:
From what?

Jess:
You. Sooner or later, the past is gonna catch up to you like it always does. You know what happens then? People die. Baby, the people closest to you die.

Sam:
Well don't worry, because I won't make that mistake again.

Jess:
Same song, different verse. Things are never gonna change with you. Never.

Dean:
[hunting a vampire] Eat it, Twilight.

Dean:
[to Castiel] You were wasted by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel? [Raphael]

Dean:
[to Castiel] Last time you zapped me somewhere I didn't poop for a week!

Sam's Coworker:
You're like this...

Sam:
Riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a taco?

Dean:
Because. We're humans. And when humans want something, really, really bad... we lie.

Castiel:
Why?

Dean:
Because. That's how you become president.

Dean:
Any idea what set them off?

Castiel:
It's angels and demons probably. [Looks at Walt] They're skirmishing all over the globe.

Walt:
Come again? What did he say?

Castiel:
Demons.

Dean:
[at same time] Nothing.

Castiel:
Demons.

Dean:
[at same time] Nothing. Demons, you know drink, adultery. We all have our demons Walt.

Dean:
[referring to Raphael's catatonic vessel] I take it that's not Raphael anymore.

Castiel:
Just an empty vessel.

Dean:
So is this what I'm lookin' at if Michael jumps my bones?

Castiel:
No, not at all. Michael is much more powerful, it'll be far worse for you.

Dean:
Where've you been?

Castiel:
Jerusalem.

Dean:
Oh, how was it?

Castiel:
Arid.

Dean:
Tell me something; you keep saying we're gonna trap this guy, but isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net?

Castiel:
No, it's harder.

Dean:
Do we have any chance of surviving this?

Castiel:
You do.

Dean:
...So, odds are, you're a dead man tomorrow?

Castiel:
Yes.

Dean:
Oh. Well, last night on earth, what, uh... what're your plans?

Castiel:
I just thought I'd sit here quietly.

Dean:
Dude, c'mon, anything? Hm? Booze, women?

Castiel:
[glances at Dean, then looks away quickly]

Dean:
You have been with a woman before. Right? Or an angel, at least? You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud seeding?

Castiel:
Look, I've never had occasion, okay?

Dean:
Let me tell you something, there are two things I know for certain; one, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch. Let's go.

Dean:
Hey. Relax!

Castiel:
This is a den of iniquity. I should not be here.

Dean:
Dude, you full-on rebelled against heaven. Iniquity is one of the perks!

Dean:
Cas! His name is Cas. What's your name?

Stripper:
Chastity.

Dean:
Chastity?

Chastity:
Mm-hm.

Dean:
Wow. [to Castiel] Is that kismet or what, buddy? Huh?

Dean:
[gives Castiel cash for a stripper] Hey. Listen. Take this. If she asks for a credit card, no. Now just stick to the basics, okay? Do not order off the menu. Go get her, Tiger. [Castiel hesitates] Don't make me push you.

Dean:
[after Chastity storms away] What the hell did you do?

Castiel:
I don't know. I just looked at her in the eyes and told her it wasn't her fault that her father Gene ran off. It was because he hated his job at the post office.

Dean:
[rolls his eyes, and laughs in disbelief] Oh, no, man!

Castiel:
What?

Dean:
This whole industry runs on absent fathers, it's- it's the natural order.

Raphael:
Castiel.

Castiel:
Raphael.

Dean:
Oh, you know, I thought you were supposed to be impressive. All you do is black out the room?

Raphael:
And the eastern seaboard. It is a testament to my unending mercy that I don't smite you here and now.

Dean:
Or maybe you're full of crap. Maybe you're afraid that God'll bring Cas back to life again, and smite you and your candy-ass skirt. By the way, hi, I'm Dean. [Waves]

Rapheal:
I know who you are and now thanks to him (glances at Cas) I know where you are

Cas:
You won't kill him. You wouldn't dare.

Rapheal:
No, but I will take him to Micheal.

Raphael:
But there's no other explanation. He's gone for good.

Castiel:
You're lying.

Raphael:
Am I? Do you remember the twentieth century? Think the twenty-first is going any better? Do you think God would've let any of that happen if He were alive?

Dean:
Oh yeah? Well then who invented the Chinese basket trick?

Raphael:
Careful. That's my father you're talking about, boy.

Dean:
Yeah, who would be so proud to know that His sons started the friggin' apocalypse.

Raphael:
Who ran off and disappeared. Who left no instructions, and a world to run.

Dean:
So daddy ran away and disappeared. He didn't happen to work for the post office, did He?

Sam:
It's true. What the demon said, it's all true.

Tim:
Keep going.

Sam:
Why? You gonna hate me any less? Am I gonna hate myself any less? What do you want?

Tim:
I want to hear you say it.

Sam:
I did it. I started the apocalypse.

Castiel:
If God is dead, why have I returned? Who brought me back?

Raphael:
Did it ever occur to you that maybe Lucifer raised you?

Castiel:
No.

Raphael:
Think about it. He needs all the rebellious angels he can find. You know it adds up.

Raphael:
Castiel. I'm warning you. Do not leave me here. I will find you.

Castiel:
Maybe one day. But today, you're my little bitch.

Dean:
What he said.

Dean:
Look, I'll be the first to tell you that this little crusade of yours is nuts, but... I do know a little something about missing fathers.

Castiel:
What do you mean?

Dean:
I mean, there were times when I was looking for my dad when... all logic said that he was dead. But I knew, in my heart, that he was still alive. So, who cares what some Ninja Turtle says, Cas? What do you believe?

Castiel:
I believe He's out there.

Dean:
Good. Then go find Him.

Castiel:
What about you?

Dean:
What about me? I don't know. Honestly... I'm good. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am, I'm... I'm really good.

Castiel:
Even without your brother?

Dean:
Especially without my brother. I mean, I spend so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I've had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I've had with Sam in years. And you're not that much fun. It's funny, you know, I've been so chained to my family, but now that I'm alone... hell, I'm happy.

Sam:
[to "Jessica"] God knows how much I miss you too. But you're wrong. People can change. There is reason for hope.

Sam:
What do you want with me?

Lucifer:
Thanks to you, I walk the earth. I wanna give you a gift. I wanna give you everything.

Sam:
I don't want anything from you!

Sam:
[referring to hosting Lucifer as a vessel] You need my consent?

Lucifer:
Of course, I'm an angel.

Sam:
I will kill myself before letting you in.

Lucifer:
And I'll just bring you back.

Dean:
[chuckles] You know, it's kinda funny; talking to a Messenger of God on a cellphone, it's... y'know, like watching a Hell's Angel ride a moped.

Castiel:
[speaking on his new cell] This isn't funny, Dean! The voice says I'm almost out of minutes.

Castiel:
Where are you now?

Dean:
Kansas City... [grabs his room key] Century Hotel, room 113.

Castiel:
I'll be there immediately.

Dean:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, come on, man. I just drove, like, 16 hours straight, okay? I'm human. And there's stuff I gotta do.

Castiel:
What stuff?

Dean:
Eat, for example. In this case, sleep; I just need like 4 hours once in a while, okay?

Castiel:
Yes.

Dean:
Okay, so you can... pop in tomorrow morning.

Castiel:
Yes. I'll just- [Dean hangs up] ...wait here then.

Dean:
So you're his vessel, huh? Lucifer's wearing you to the prom?

Sam:
That's what he said.

Dean:
Just when we thought you were out, they pull you back in, huh, Sammy?

Sam:
So that's it, that's your response?

Dean:
What are you looking for?

Sam:
I don't know, uh, a little panic, maybe?

Dean:
I guess I'm a little numb with the earth-shattering revelations at this point.

Dean:
So what, you're just gonna walk back in, and we're gonna be the dynamic duo again?

Sam:
Look, Dean, I can do this. I can. I'm gonna prove it to you.

Dean:
Look, Sam, it doesn't matter. Whatever we do. I mean, it turns out that you and me, we're the, uh... the fire and the oil of the Armageddon. You know, on that basis alone, we should just pick a hemisphere. Stay away from each other for good.

Sam:
Dean, it does not have to be like this, we can fight it.

Dean:
Yeah, you're right, we can. But not together. We're not stronger when we're together, Sam. I think we're weaker. Because whatever we have between us; love, family, whatever it is; they are always gonna use it against us. And you know that. No, we're better off apart. We got a better chance of dodging Lucifer and Michael and this whole damn thing... if we just go our own ways.

Sam:
Dean, don't do this.

Dean:
Goodbye, Sam.

Dean:
I'm you, from the tail end of 2009. Zach plucked my from my bed and... threw me 5 years into the future.

2014-Dean:
Where is he? I wanna talk to him.

Dean:
I don't know.

2014-Dean:
Oh, you don't know?

Dean:
No. I don't know. Look I just wanna get back to my own freakin' year, okay?

2014-Dean:
Okay. If you're me... then tell me something only I would know.

Dean:
Rhonda Hurley. We were...uh, 19. She made us try on her panties. They were pink... and satin-y. And you know what? We kinda liked it.

2014-Dean:
Touché.

Dean:
What are you, a hippie?

2014-Castiel:
[stretching] Thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.

Dean:
Cas, we need to talk.

2014-Castiel:
[turns to face Dean] Whoa, strange.

Dean:
What?

2014-Castiel:
You... are not you, not 'now' you, anyway.

Dean:
No! Yeah- yes. Exactly.

2014-Castiel:
What year are you from?

Dean:
2009.

2014-Castiel:
Who did this to you? Is it Zachariah?

Dean:
Yes.

2014-Castiel:
Interesting.

Dean:
Oh yeah, it's friggin' fascinating. Now... why don't you just strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calender?

2014-Castiel:
[turns away and laughs] I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings, but, uh, I'm sorry, no dice. [Laughs again]

Dean:
...What are you, stoned?

2014-Castiel:
Generally, yeah.

Dean:
What happened to you?

2014-Castiel:
[shrugs] Life.

2014-Dean:
You saying my plan is reckless?

2014-Castiel:
Are you saying we, uh... walk in, straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the Croates, and we shoot the Devil?

2014-Dean:
Yes.

2014-Castiel:
Okay. If you don't like, uh, "reckless", I can use "insouciant", maybe.

2014-Dean:
Are you coming?

2014-Castiel:
[sighs] ...Of course.

2014-Dean:
Sam didn't die in Detroit. He said yes.

Dean:
"Yes"? ...Wait... you mean-

2014-Dean:
That's right. The big yes. To the Devil. Lucifer's wearing him to the prom.

Dean:
[quietly] Why he would do that?

2014-Dean:
Wish I knew. But now we don't have a choice. It's in him and it's not getting out. And we've gotta kill him, Dean. And you need to see it. The whole damn thing, how bad it gets, so you can do it different.

2014-Chuck:
So you're really from '09?

Dean:
Yeah, 'fraid so.

2014-Chuck:
Some free advice? You ever get back there, you hoard toilet paper. You understand me? Hoard it. Hoard it like it's made of gold. 'Cause it is.

Dean:
Thank you, Chuck.

2014-Chuck:
Oh, you'll thank me alright. Mark my words.

Dean:
So you're human? Well, welcome to the club.

2014-Castiel:
Thanks. Except I used to belong to a much better club. And now I'm powerless. I'm hapless, I'm hopeless, I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence? Right? It's the end, baby! That's what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?

Dean:
[to 2014-Dean] Hey, uh... me. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Lucifer as Sam :
Oh. Hello, Dean. Aren't you a surprise? You've come a long way to see this, haven't you?

Dean:
Well go ahead. Kill me.

Lucifer as Sam :
Kill you? Don't you think that would be a little... redundant? [Sighs] I'm sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this... shape. But it had to be your brother. It had to be. [Tries to touch Dean but Dean flinches back] You don't have to be afraid of me, Dean. What do you think I'm going to do?

Dean:
I don't know, maybe deep-fry the planet?

Lucifer as Sam :
Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful, in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God. You ever hear the story of how I fell from Grace?

Dean:
Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are ya? My stomach's almost outta bile.

Lucifer as Sam :
You know why God cast me down? Because I loved Him. More than anything. And then God created... [smirks] you. The little... hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you. To love you more than Him. And I said, "Father... I can't." I said, "These human beings are flawed. Murderous." And for that, God had Michael cast me into Hell. Now tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially when I was right. Look what six billion of you have done to this thing. And how many of you blame me for it.

Dean:
[voice wavering] You're not fooling me, you know that? With this 'sympathy for the devil' crap. I know what you are.

Lucifer as Sam :
What am I?

Dean:
You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you, is the size of your ego.

Lucifer as Sam :
I like you, Dean. I get what the other angels see in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon.

Dean:
[voice harsh and hoarse] You better kill me now!

Lucifer as Sam :
Pardon?

Dean:
You better kill me now! Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop-

Lucifer as Sam :
I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael either, and I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up... here.

Dean:
[tears start falling freely]

Lucifer as Sam :
I win... So, I win.

Dean:
You're wrong.

Lucifer as Sam :
See you in five years, Dean.

Dean:
That's pretty nice timing, Cas.

Castiel:
We had an appointment.

Dean:
[grabs Castiel's shoulder] Don't ever change.

Dean:
Sam. [Holds Ruby's knife out to Sam] If you're serious, and you want back in... you should hang onto this. I'm sure you're rusty. Look, man, I'm sorry. I'm... whatever I need to be, but I was, uh... wrong.

Sam:
What made you change your mind?

Dean:
Long story. The point is... maybe we are each other's Achilles' heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know, we're all we've got. More than that... we keep each other human.

Sam:
Thank you. Really, thank you. I won't let you down.

Dean:
Oh, I know it. I mean, you are the second-best hunter on the planet

Sam:
So what do we do now?

Dean:
We make our own future.

Sam:
Guess we have no choice.

Sam:
So... what's with this job?

Dean:
Dude suffers a head-on collision in a parked car? I'd say it's worth checking out.

Sam:
Yeah, definitely, um, but... we've got bigger problems, don't you think?

Dean:
I'm sure the apocalypse'll still be there when we get back.

Dean:
And how exactly did Jim slam Cal into a windshield with all the force of an 80 mph crash?

Rick Carnegie:
... Drugs maybe?

Sam:
[referring to "Little Bastard"] So, what... this is like, Christine?

Dean:
No, Christine is fiction; this, this is real.

[Dean slides under the car, Little Bastard, to get its number]

Sam:
[kneels down and looks under the car] Need a flashlight?

Dean:
[jumps] No. Don't... do anything; just go away.

Sam:
Y--uh... okay...

Dean:
Don't speak! Alright? In fact, don't even look at her, she might not like it.

Sam:
I've been working my ass off here...

Dean:
Hey, world's smallest violin, pal; I spent the afternoon up Christine's skirt. I needed a drink.

Dean:
So you're saying we've got two super-famous, super-pissed-off ghosts killing their... super-fans?

Dean:
Check it out. Four score and seven years ago... I had a funny hat.

Dean:
Let me get this straight: your, uh, ultimate hero was not only a short man in diapers, but he was also a fruitarian.

Sam:
That's not the point.

Dean:
That is good. That is-even for you, that is good.

Sam:
Look, I'm just saying. I'm not so sure this thing is over.

Dean:
He was a ghost. He was a weirdly super-charged, fruitarian ghost, but it was still a ghost.

Sam:
How long am I gonna be double-secret probation?

Dean:
Until I say so.

Sam:
They're unlike any other seed I've ever seen before Dean.

Dean:
Wow. just when I thought you couldn't get any geekier.

Dean:
Not a word.

Sam:
Dude, you just got wailed on by Paris Hilton.

Dean:
... Shut up.

Dean:
[preparing to test a joy buzzer] Are you ready?

Sam:
Hit it, Mr. Wizard.

Dean:
[after electrocuting a large ham] That'll do, pig.

Castiel:
[after sitting on a whoopee cushion] That wasn't me.

Sam:
I don't get it... Jesse is the devil's son?

Castiel:
[sighs] No, of course not; your Bible gets more wrong than it does right.

Dean:
[steps between Sam and Castiel] Okay, hey... look, we are not going to kill him. Alright? But we can't leave Jesse here, either. We know that. So... we take him to Bobby's, he'll know what to do.

Castiel:
You'll kidnap him? What is going on in this town, it's what happens when this thing is happy; you cannot imagine what it will do if it's angry.

Sam:
So we tell him the truth. You say Jesse's destined to go darkside, fine, but he hasn't yet. So if we lay it all out for him... uh, what he is, the apocalypse, everything, he might make the right choice.

Castiel:
(coldly)... you didn't. And I can't take that chance.

Dean:
You think Jesse's gonna be OK?

Sam:
I hope so.

Dean:
You know we destroyed that kid's life by telling him the truth.

Sam:
We didn't have a choice, Dean.

Dean:
Yeah. You know I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is to mix some pop rocks and coke. Protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. More I think about it... more I wish dad would've lied to us.

Sam:
Yeah, me too.

Bobby:
Brains trumps legs apparently.

Dean:
So you were just gonna shoot some old guy, is that it?

Sam:
I didn't know what you were. I mean have you seen you? You look like-

Dean:
The old chick in Titanic. I know, shut up.

Sam:
I was gonna say Emperor Palpatine.

Sam:
(watching old Dean trying to break into a safe) It's like Mission Pathetic.

Dean:
[to Sam] Dude... I believe that he-witch gave you the clap.

Patrick:
I'm sorry kid. Aces full.

Sam:
[to female witch] You're crying. For a witch, you're so nice it's actually kinda creepy. It's okay. [to Patrick] It was a great hand. Just... not as great as... as four fours.

Patrick:
Well played. You know, that whole... 'going out of your head' bit... very method. There's more to you than meets the eye.

Sam:
Cash these in for Dean. Please.

Patrick:
With pleasure.

Dean:
You're not useless, Bobby.

Bobby:
Okay... good talk.

Dean:
Whoa, wait a moment, listen to me... you don't stop being a soldier 'cause you got wounded in battle. Okay? No matter what shape you're in, bottom line is: you're family. Now I don't know if you've noticed but me and Sam, we don't have much left. I can't do this without you. I can't. So don't you dare think bout checking out! I don't wanna hear that again!

Bobby:
Okay.

Dean:
Okay. Good.

Bobby:
Thanks... now we done feeling our feelings? Cause I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts.

Dean:
Yeah, we're done.

[The episode opens in the form of a sitcom]

Dean:
[Narrating] Supernatural is filmed before a live studio audience.

Dean:
[Closes his fridge and looks at a cartoonishly big sandwich] I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.

Audience:
[Laughs, then cheers as Sam walks through the door]

Dean:
Hey there Sam. What's happening?

Sam:
Oh nothing, just the end of the world. [Audience laughs. Sam looks at the sandwich] You're gonna need a bigger mouth. Hey, uh, have you done your research yet?.

Dean:
Oh yeah, All kinds of research. All night.

Sam:
Yeah?

Audience:
[cheers as a bikini clad woman exits the bathroom]

Woman:
Ooh, Dean. We have some more "research" to do.[More laughter]

Sam:
Dean...

Dean:
[Extreme close-up] Son of a bitch! [More laughter and cheers]

[A cheesy opening credits sequence ensues, complete with Sam and Dean riding on a tandem bicycle and mopeds , playing pass football in a park, and hunting ghosts in a very comic fashion]

Sam:
What are you watching?

Dean:
A hospital show - "Dr Sexy, M.D.". I think it's based on a book.

Sam:
When did you hit menopause?

Dean:
Ally with the Trickster?

Sam:
Yeah.

Dean:
A bloody, violent monster... and you wanna be Facebook friends with him? Nice, Sammy.

Ellen Piccolo:
Seriously. You're brilliant, you know that. And a coward. You're a brilliant coward.

Dean:
It's him, it's Dr. Sexy.

Dean:
You're not Dr. Sexy.

Dr. Sexy:
You're crazy.

Dean:
Really? Because I swore part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Not tennis shoes.

Sam:
Yeah, you're not a fan.

Dean:
It's a guilty pleasure!

NutCracker Host:
[Referring to Castiel] No, no, no, no... Mr. Trickster does not like pretty boy angels.

Dean:
What do I do? What do I do? I don't wanna get it in the nuts!

Sam:
[slowly] I've got... genital herpes.

Dean:
[as Herpexia's voiceover] Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.

[Dean and Sam are on the set of a sitcom]

Dean:
How long do we have to keep doing this?

Sam:
[strained smile] I dunno. [Audience laughs and applauds] Maybe forever? [more laughter] ... We might die in here. [continued laughter]

Dean:
[glares at the audience] ... How is that funny? Vultures.

Trickster:
Well, you know! Sam starring as Lucifer, Dean starring as Michael! Your celebrity deathmatch! Play your roles.

Sam:
You want us to say "yes" to those sons of bitches?

Trickster:
Hellz yeah, let's light this candle!

Dean:
Calm down?! I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags. I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show. And you want to know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There's like 300 on television, they're all the freaking same, it's: "oh... a plane crashed here." Oh shut up!

Forensic guy:
Well... aside from the ligature marks around his neck, he has what appears to be a roll of quarters jammed down his throat.

Sam:
Well I say... jackpot.

Forensic guy:
Heh. Also there was a stabwound to the lower abdomen there.

Dean:
[pokes stabwound with stick] Well I say... No guts, no glory.

Gabriel:
Where'd you get the holy oil?

Dean:
Well, you might say we pulled it out of Sam's ass.

Sam:
So, which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy, or Douchy?

Gabriel:
Gabriel, okay. They call me Gabriel.

Sam:
Gabriel? The archangel?

Dean:
Okay, Gabriel, how does an archangel become a Trickster?

Gabriel:
My own private witness protection.

Gabriel:
You do not know my family. What you guys call the Apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner!

Gabriel:
You two were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you!

Gabriel:
So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?

Dean:
Well, first of all, you're gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.

Gabriel:
Oh am I.

Dean:
Yeah. Or we're going to dunk you in some holy oil and deep-fry ourselves an archangel.

Castiel:
Hello, Gabriel.

Gabriel:
Hey bro. How's the search for Daddy going? Let me guess: Awful!

Dean:
No, we're not 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record, this isn't about some prized fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up with your family. (after setting off the sprinkler system) Don't say I never did anything for you.

Dean:
All that stuff he was spouting in there... Do you think he was telling the truth?

Sam:
I think he believes it.

Dean:
So what do we do?

Sam:
I don't know.

Dean:
I'll tell you one thing - right about now wish I was back in a TV show.

Sam:
Yeah, me too.

Becky:
What? They're gonna wanna see it.

Dean & Sam:
See what?

Becky:
Oh my god, I love it when they talk at the same time.

Sam:
He means the books, Chuck. Why are you publishing more books?

Chuck:
Um...for food and shelter.

Dean:
Who gave you the rights to our life story?

Chuck:
An Archangel, and I didn't want it.

Dean:
Well, you sure look lovely tonight. Especially for a dead chick.

Latisha Actress:
Buddy, I have heard that line 17 times tonight, okay? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets. But you seem different.

Dean:
How so?

Latisha Actress:
Well, you don't seem scared of women.

Sam:
Dean.

Dean:
What? They're freaking annoying.

Dean:
No, I am not a fan, okay. Not fans. In fact, I think the Dean and Sam story sucks. It is not fun, it's not entertaining. It is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse! So you listen to me. Their pain is not for your amusement. I mean, do you think they enjoy being treated like-like circus freaks?

Demian:
Ahh, I don't think they care. Because they're fictional characters.

Dean:
Oh, they care. Believe me, they care a lot!

Sam:
He uh... He takes the story really seriously.

Dean:
[to Sam] Just give her the puppy dog thing, okay?

Chuck:
No, there's really no such thing as a Croatoan Virus for... down there. Um...you really should see a doctor.

Demian:
I'm not sure you get what the story's about.

Dean:
That so?

Demian:
Alright, look. In real life, he sells stereo equipment, I fix copiers; our lives suck. But to be Sam and Dean... to wake up every morning and save the world, to have a brother who, who would die for you... Well, who wouldn't want that?

Sam:
Oh, hey, Chuck, look. If you really want to publish more books, I guess that's okay with us.

Chuck:
Wow. Really?

Sam:
No, not really. We have guns and we will find you.

Chuck:
Like all authors I started writing because of love. I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life. I must have written her forty to fifty letters. She never wrote back.

Chuck:
The way I look at it, it's not really "jumping the shark" if you never come back down.

Castiel:
The demon Crowley is making a deal; Even as we speak, it's... going... down.

Dean:
Going down? Right. Okay, Huggy Bear, just don't lose him.

Castiel:
I won't lose him.

Dean:
Oh, uh, excuse me for asking, but aren't you kind of signing your own death warrant? I mean, what happens to you if we go up against the devil and lose?

Crowley:
Number one, he's going to wipe us all out anyway. Two, after you leave here, I go on an extended vacation to all points nowhere. And three, how about you don't miss, okay! Morons!

Castiel:
[After drinking six shots] I think I'm starting to feel something.

Dean:
So. Dangerous mission tomorrow. Guess it's time to eat, drink, and, you know, make merry.

Jo:
Are you giving me the last night on Earth speech?

Dean:
What?

Jo:
What?

Dean:
No...no. If I was, would that work?

Jo:
No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on Earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect.

Castiel:
This town's not empty. Reapers.

Ellen:
Reapers? As in more than one?

Castiel:
They only gather like this at times of great catastrophe. The Chicago Fire, the San Francisco Quake, Pompeii. Excuse me, I need to figure out why they're here.

Castiel:
Lucifer.

Lucifer:
So I take it you're here with the Winchesters?

Castiel:
I came alone.

Lucifer:
Loyalty... such a nice quality to see this day and age.

Lucifer:
Castiel, right? Castiel, I'm told you came here in an automobile.

Castiel:
... yes.

Lucifer:
What was that like?

Castiel:
Um, slow. Confining.

Lucifer:
What a peculiar thing you are?

Castiel:
[notices lesions on Lucifer's face] What's wrong with your vessel?

Lucifer:
Yes, um, Nick is wearing a bit thin, I'm afraid. He can't contain me forever, so...

Castiel:
[angry] You... [Steps forward, but remembers the holy fire] You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won't let you.

Lucifer:
We're on the same side, like it or not, so... why not just serve your own best interests, which in this case, just happen to be mine.

Castiel:
I'll die first.

Lucifer:
... I suppose you will.

Dean:
Okay, this is it. I'll see you on the other side. Probably sooner than later.

Jo:
Make it later.

Jo:
Mom, no.

Ellen:
Somebody's gotta let them in. Like you said, you're not moving. You got me, Jo. And you're right, this is important. But I will not leave you here alone.

Sam:
Dean-

Ellen:
Get going now, boys.

Dean:
Ellen-

Ellen:
I said go. And Dean? Kick it in the ass. Don't miss.

Ellen:
I will always love you, baby. Honey?[looks down at her daughter, seeing she is already dead] Jo? [crying] That's okay... that's okay. That's my good girl.

Meg:
You're wrong. Lucifer is the father of our race. Our creator. Your god may be a deadbeat, but mine ... mine walks the earth.

Sam:
Last words?

Dean:
I think I'm good.

Sam:
Yeah, me too.

Dean:
Here goes nothing.

Sam:
Hey! [cocks shotgun] You wanted to see me?!

Lucifer:
Oh Sam, you don't need that gun here. You know I'd never hurt you. Not really.

Dean:
Yeah? Well I'd hurt you. So suck it. [shoots Lucifer in the head]

Lucifer:
I know what you must think of me, Sam. But I have to do this. I have to. You of all people should understand.

Sam:
What's that supposed to mean?

Lucifer:
I was a son. A brother, like you, a younger brother, and I had an older brother who I loved. Idolized, in fact. And one day I went to him and I begged him to stand with me, and Michael... Michael turned on me. Called me a freak. A monster. And then he beat me down. All because I was different. Because I had a mind of my own. Tell me something, Sam. Any of this sound familiar? Anyway. You'll have to excuse me. Midnight is calling and I have a ritual to finish. Don't go anywhere. Not that you could if you would.

Dr. Fuller:
You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago.

Sam:
That's right.

Dr. Fuller:
Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Dean:
I don't know. I don't have any elephant books. Look doctor, I-I think the doctor was in over his head with this one (points at Sam). Cause my brother's, uh... (whistles and makes circles with his finger).

Dr. Fuller:
Okay fine, thank you, that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?

Sam:
I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess.

Dr. Fuller:
Alright. Any idea why?

Sam:
Probably because I started the apocalypse.

Dr. Fuller:
The apocalypse?

Sam:
Yeah. That's right.

Dr. Fuller:
And you think you started it?

Sam:
Well yeah. I mean, I killed this demon - Lilith - and I accidentally freed Lucifer from Hell. So now he's topside, and we're trying to stop him.

Dr. Fuller:
Who is?

Sam:
Me. Him. And this one angel.

Dr. Fuller:
Oh, you mean like a, like an angel on your shoulder.

Sam:
No no. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat.

Dean:
See what I mean, doc? I mean the kid's been beating himself up about this for months! The apocalypse wasn't his fault.

Dr. Fuller:
It's not?

Dean:
No. There was this other demon, Ruby? She had him addicted to demon blood, I mean, near the end he was practically chugging the stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just... high. Y'know, so, could you fix him up so we could get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?

(Doctor smiles weakly, then picks up his phone).

Dr. Fuller:
Urma? Cancel my lunch.

Dr. Fuller:
Alright Ted, calm down.

Ted:
I am calm. And I'd very calmly like to talk about the monster that's hunting us.

Dr. Fuller:
Ted, we're not going to have that discussion again. It's not good for group.

Ted:
I agree. You know what else isn't good for group? A monster eating all our faces off!

Dr. Cartwright:
I'm Dr. Erica Cartwright. I've been assigned to your case.

Dean:
You're my shrink? Well, lucky me.

Dr. Cartwright:
And you're my paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious psychosis. Lucky me.

Dean:
I've got some questions for you.

Dr. Cartwright:
What a coincidence; I've got some for you too.

Dean:
Well then, Quid pro quo, Clarice. (hisses.)

Dr. Cartwright:
Okay Hannibal, I'll go first. How many hours a night do you sleep?

Dean:
Three or four, every couple of nights. What can you tell me about the recent suicides in here?

Dr. Cartwright:
They were tragic.

Dean:
But you haven't noticed anything strange? Like, uh, I don't know, black smoke, sulfur...

Dr. Cartwright:
No, why, what's that supposed to mean?

Dean:
Demon signs. I hunt demons, monsters, that kind of thing.

Dr. Cartwright:
How many drinks do you have a week?

Dean:
Well, I gotta sleep some time, so, uh, with seven days, times...it's somewhere in the mid-fifties.

Dean:
Pudding!!

Dr. Cartwright:
Why you?

Dean:
Why me what?

Dr. Cartwright:
Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it?

Dean:
I can't find anybody else that dumb.

Dean:
You okay?

Sam:
No, no, I'm not okay. I - I - I am awesome.

Dean:
They give you something?

Sam:
Oh yeah. They - they gave me everything. It - it's spectacu-lacular. Ha ha ha.

Dean:
You always were a happy drunk.

Dr. Fuller:
Monsters are the least of your problems. People can learn to live with delusions, but the anger I saw in you...you hurt those two men, and you were going to kill me. The look in your eyes when you came after me, I... it was like you were barely even human. Like a man possessed.

Sam:
I know. Please... just... could you give me a second chance?

Dr. Fuller:
Well, this isn't a prison. You'll be allowed to go to the day room, under supervision.

Sam:
Thank you.

Dr. Fuller:
But if there is one more outburst, I will transfer you to a facility that is equipped to handle violent patients.

Sam:
The wraith-

Dean:
What about her?

Sam:
She was right.

Dean:
No, she wasn't. She's dead, okay? Let's hit the road. I need a drink...or twelve.

Sam:
Most of the time I can hide it, but I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer. And I make excuses: I blame Ruby, or the demon blood, but-but it's not their fault, it's not them, it's me. It's inside me. I'm mad all the time, and I don't know why.

Dean:
Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?

Sam:
No, of course not.

Dean:
Exactly. And that's exactly what you're going to do: you're going to take all that crap, and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going.

Gary (as Sam):
Crystal, I would love to have the sex with you.

Sam (as Gary):
[finds AP school textbooks] Smart kid. [finds Star Wars t-shirt] Virgin. [finds porno magazine] Frustrated virgin.

Sam (as Gary):
Witchcraft, huh Gary? You little Satanic bastard.

Gary (as Sam):
I am in way over my head.

Trevor:
Everybody knows Dean. He's Hell's most wanted.

Sam (as Gary):
Oh, no. Have you idiots been talking to demons?

Trevor:
I wouldn't exactly call praying to our Dark Overlord goofing around.

Nora (Possessed):
Yum, tastes like moron.

Dean:
Adios, bitch.

Gary (as Sam):
It's 'audi nos.'

Sam:
Rebel a little bit...in a healthy, non-satanic way.

Sam:
You know why Nora's into witchcraft?

Gary:
What do you mean?

Sam:
She doesn't like Satan, you moron. She likes you.

Dean:
[After Anna shows up in his stripper dream] Anna! I was just... uh ... workin' on a case.

Anna:
...This is what you dream about...?

Dean:
This is awkward.

Dean:
[referring to Castiel] So what, you're like a Delorean without enough plutonium?

Castiel:
I don't understand that reference.

Dean:
[referring to Castiel] He's tough for a little nerdy dude with wings.

John:
Monsters? Monsters?

Mary:
Yes

John:
Monsters are real?

Mary:
I'm sorry, I didn't know how to-

John:
And you fight them? All of you?

Sam:
Yeah.

John:
How long?

Mary:
All my life.

(Dean, Sam, and Mary all try to explain at the same time)

John:
Shut up, all of you! Look not another work or so help me, I will turn this car around!

Dean:
Awkward family road trip.

Sam:
No kidding.

John:
Y'all may have treated me like a fool, but I am not useless. I can draw a damn...whatever it is - a sigil.

Dean:
Why don't you go help Sam out? 'Kay? 'Cause this has got to be done in...it's gotta be done in human blood.

John:
[cuts his hand open] So? How big?

Dean:
I'll show you. [laughs softly.]

John:
What?

Dean:
All of a sudden, you really remind me of my dad.

John:
How long have you known about this hunting stuff?

Sam:
Pretty much forever. My dad raised me in it.

John:
You're serious? Who the hell does that to a kid?

Sam:
For the record... Mary's parents did.

John:
I don't care! What kind of irresponsible bastard lets a child anywhere near - you know you could have been killed!

Sam:
I, uh...came kinda close.

John:
The number it must have done of your head. Your father was supposed to protect you.

Sam:
He was trying. He died trying. Believe me.

Mary:
Why does an angel want me dead?

Dean:
[uncomfortably] 'Cause they're dicks.

Mary:
Not good enough. I didn't even know they existed and now I'm a target?

Dean:
It's complicated.

Mary:
Fine. All ears.

Dean:
You're just gonna have to trust me, okay?

Mary:
I've been trusting you all day.

Dean:
It's kind of hard to believe.

Mary:
All right then, I'm walking out the door-

Dean:
I'm your son.

Mary:
What?

Dean:
I'm your son.

Mary:
[horrified] I raised my kids to be hunters?

Dean:
No, no you didn't.

Mary:
How could I do that to you?

Dean:
You didn't do it. Because you're dead.

Michael:
Lucifer defied our father, and he betrayed me, but still, I don't want this any more than you would want to kill Sam. You know, my brother... I practically raised him. I took care of him in a way most people could never understand, and I still love him. But I am going to kill him, because it is right, and I have to.

Dean:
What, because God says so?

Michael:
Yes. From the beginning, he knew this was how it was going to end.

Dean:
And you're just going to do whatever God says?

Michael:
Yes, because I am a good son.

Dean:
Son of a bitch. You made it.

Castiel:
I did?

Sam:
Yeah.

Castiel:
I am surprised. [passes out]

Dean:
This is it.

Sam:
This is what?

Dean:
Team Free Will. One ex-blood junkie, one drop out with 6 bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose over there. Awesome.

Sam Winchester:
Alright, I'm just gonna go through some files, you can go ahead and get going.

Dean Winchester:
Sorry?

Sam:
Go ahead. Unleash the Kraken. See you tomorrow morning.

Dean:
[confused] Where am I going?

Sam:
Dean, it's Valentine's Day. Your favorite holiday, remember? I mean, what do you always call it? "Unattached drifter Christmas"?

Dean:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well... Be that as it may, I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

Sam:
So, you're not into bars full of lonely women?

Dean:
[sliding a box containing a human heart over to Sam] Be my Valentine?

Dean:
[speaking on his cell] Cas, it's Dean. Yeah, Room 31-C, basement level, St. James Medical Center--

Castiel:
[appears in front of Dean, still talking into the cell phone] I'm there now.

Dean:
... yeah, I get that.

Castiel:
I'm gonna hang up now.

Dean:
...right.

Castiel:
What human myth has mistaken for Cupid is actually a lower order of angel. Technically it's a cherub. Third class.

Dean:
Cherub?

Castiel:
Yeah. They're all over the world, there are dozens of them.

Dean:
You mean the little flying fat kid in diapers.

Castiel:
What I'm saying is a Cupid has gone rogue and we have to stop him before he kills again.

Sam:
Naturally.

[Waiting for the Cupid.]

Dean:
So where is he?

Cupid:
Here I am! [Picks Dean up from behind in a hug and starts shaking him.]

Cupid:
Hello, you! [hugs Castiel tightly]

Dean:
This is Cupid?

Castiel:
[strained] ... yes.

Cupid:
[releases Castiel and turns to Sam] And look at you, huh?

Sam:
[shakes his head] ... No.

Cupid:
[smiles and nods] Yes.

Sam:
[turns to run] No, no--

Cupid:
[appears in front of Sam and hugs him tightly] Yes, yes, yes!

Dean:
[to Castiel] Is this a fight? Are we in a fight?

Castiel:
This is... their handshake.

Dean:
I don't like it.

Castiel:
No one likes it.

Dean:
[Talking to Cupid] Listen, birthday suit.

[Cupid is crying; Castiel, Sam and Dean are uncertain of how to act]

Sam:
Should... Should someone maybe go talk to him?

Dean:
Yeah, that's a good idea. Give 'em hell , Cas.

[Castiel approaches Cupid, who has his back turned to him, still crying]

Castiel:
[uncomfortable] Hum, look... We didn't mean to, um... [looks at Sam and Dean; they encourage him] ... hurt your feelings.

Cupid:
[hugs Castiel, still crying] Love is more than a word to me, you know? I... I love love - I love it, and if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Castiel:
[hugs Cupid back] Yes, yes. Of course. I, uh - I have no idea what you're saying.

Dean:
You're saying that you fixed up our parents?

Cupid:
Well not me, but yeah. Oh, it wasn't easy either. oooh, they couldn't stand each other at first. But when we were done with them, perfect couple!

Dean:
Perfect?

Cupid:
Yeah

Dean:
They're dead.

Cupid:
I'm sorry but the orders were very clear, you and Sam needed to be born. Your parents were just, uh, meant to be. [Starts singing A Match Made in Heaven. Dean punches him then turns around cradling his hand

Dean:
Son of a bitch. [Hear Cupid fleeing.] Where is he? Where'd he go?

Castiel:
I believe you upset him.

Dean:
Upset him?

Sam:
Dean, enough!

Dean:
What?

Sam:
You just punched a cupid!

Dean:
I punched a dick!

Sam:
Um... are we going to talk about what's been up with you lately or not?.

Dean:
Or not. [Storms out.]

Dean:
[Talking to Castiel about his meat addiction] What about you? Since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

Sam:
So, what, this whole town is just gonna eat, drink, and screw itself to death?

Castiel:
We should stop it.

Dean:
Uh yeah that's a great idea. How?!

Dean:
[Referring to Castiel eating endless hamburgers.] What are you? The Hamburgler?

[Dean is sitting in the Impala. Castiel transports in with a bag of fast food and pulls out a hamburger.]

Dean:
Are you serious?

Castiel:
These make me very happy. [Dean rolls his eyes]

Castiel:
What I don't understand is: Where's your hunger Dean?

Dean:
Huh?

Castiel:
Well, slowly but surely, everyone in this town is falling prey to Famine, but so far you seem unaffected.

Dean:
Hey, when I want to drink, I drink. When I want sex, I go get it. Same goes for a sandwich, or a fight.

Castiel:
So you're saying you're just well adjusted?

Dean:
God no. I'm just well fed.

Dean:
Demons. Do you want to go over the plan again. [Castiel doesn't say anything.] HEY! HAPPY MEAL!

Famine:
That's one deep dark nothing you got there, Dean

Dean Winchester:
You gave yourself your own nickname? You can't do that.

Digger:
Who died and made you queen?

Dean:
Do you know how many times we've called? Where've you been?

Bobby Singer:
Playing murderball.

Dean:
What is that smell? Is that soap? Did you clean?

Bobby:
What are you, my mother? Bite me.

Sam Winchester:
So who killed the guy?

Bobby:
Take your pick. This Benny Sutton guy was a Grade A son of a bitch. There's a list of the living a year long wouldn't mind putting a cap in his ass.

Dean:
Remember the guy you said that was dead and couldn't possibly commit murder? There he is. [Points to Clay]

Sheriff:
And?

Dean:
And? And you're welcome.

Dean:
You're a zombie.

Clay:
I'm a taxpayer.

(Sam and Dean are in jail and they see Bobby talking to the sheriff)

Dean:
So what, now they're friends?

Dean:
This is incredible Mrs. Singer.

Karen:
Thank you Dean. [Sam gives Dean a look]

Dean:
What? It is.

Dean:
Are you crazy? What the hell?

Bobby:
Dean, I can explain.

Dean:
Explain what? Lying to us, or the American Girl zombie making cupcakes in your kitchen?

Bobby:
First of all, that's my wife so watch it.

Dean:
And there were no signs? No omens?

Bobby:
Well there were the lightning storms.

Dean:
That's what we said!

Sam:
So what do you think?

Dean:
There's nothing to think about. We're not gonna leave Bobby at home with the bride of Frankenstein.

[Dean is eating pie in Bobby's kitchen. There are pies everywhere.]

Dean:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you like pies.

[Mrs. Jones keeps gesturing for Sam to come closer.]

Sam:
I'm gonna regret this.

Sam:
The last time I checked, the sheriff was pretty pro-zombie.

Dean:
You got anymore ammo? I'm low...

Bobby:
Yeah, we got plenty. Just run back past the zombies, it's in the van where we left it.

Dean:
A simple no would have been fine.

[In a closet with zombies banging on the door.]

Bobby:
Kind of a tight fit, don't ya think.

Dean:
It's alright. They're idiots. They can't pick a lock. [The lock starts to get picked.]

Bobby:
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Dean:
I'm making this stuff up as I go. Sue me!

Bobby:
She was the love of my life; how many times do I gotta kill her?

Roy:
Looking for this?

Dean:
[Dean wakes up and sees that he and Sam are held at gunpoint] Morning.

Walt:
Shoot him.

Dean:
Go ahead Roy, do it. But I'm gonna warn you, when I come back, I'm gonna be pissed.

Castiel:
Dean!

Dean:
Cas?

Castiel:
[speaking through the Impala's radio] Yeah, it's me.

Dean:
[opens the door and gets in the Impala] You gotta stop poking around in my dreams; I need some 'me' time.

Castiel:
Listen to me very closely. This isn't a dream.

Dean:
...Then what is it?

Castiel:
Deep down, you already know.

Dean:
...I'm dead.

Castiel:
Condolences.

[Sam is at a family dinner when Dean walks in.]

Dean:
Wow. Just wow.

Sam:
Heaven?

Dean:
Yeah.

Sam:
OK, how are we in heaven?

Dean:
All that clean living, I guess.

Sam:
No, no... um, Okay, you, I get, sure. But me, maybe you haven't noticed but, um, I've done a few things.

Dean:
You thought you were doing the right thing.

Sam:
Last I checked, it wasn't the road to heaven that was paved with good intentions.

Dean:
Yeah, well if this is the Skymall, it sucks. I mean, where's the triplets and the latex, you know? Come on, a guy has needs.

Dean:
Wait, so playing footsie with braceface in there that... that's a trophy moment for you?

Sam:
This was my first real Thanksgiving.

Dean:
What are you talking about? We had Thanksgiving every year.

Sam:
We had a bucket of extra crispy and Dad passed out on the couch.

Sam:
What are you doing?

Dean:
What's it look?

Sam:
Like you've lost your mind.

Castiel:
The rumor is he talks to God.

Dean:
And? So?

Castiel:
Do you think maybe, just maybe, we should find out what the hell God has been saying?

Sam:
Dad said they always had the perfect marriage.

Dean:
It wasn't perfect until after she died.

Sam:
I just never realized how long you've been cleaning up dad's messes.

Zachariah:
Wow. Running from angels... in foot... in heaven. With out-of-the-box thinking like that, I'm surprised you boys haven't stopped the Apocalypse already.

Zachariah:
Guys come on, you can run, but you can't run.

Sam:
So there are two heavens?

Ash:
No more like 100 billion. So no worries, it'll take those angel boys a minute to catch up. See, you got to stop thinking of Heaven as one place. It's more like a buttload of places. All crammed together. Like Disneyland. Except without all the anti-Semitism.

Ash:
I have been all over. Johnny Cash. Andre the Giant. Einstein. Sam that man can mix a white Russian. Hell, the other day I found Mel Vātsyāyana

Sam:
Who?

Ash:
Wrote the Kama Sutra. That boy's heaven... all sweaty and confusing.

Ash:
You boys die more than anyone I have ever met.

Pamela:
[Hits Dean on the head] That's for getting me killed.

Dean:
Yeah, well that's probably less than I deserve. If it makes you feel better, we got Ask killed too.

Ash:
I'm cool with it!

Dean:
He's cool with it.

Ash:
All access pass to the Magic Kingdom.

Ash:
Ah, gentlemen, I don't mean to be a downer, but, uh, I'm sure I'll see you again soon.

Zachariah:
Did you really think you could just sneak past me into Mission Control?

Zachariah:
We're going to be logging a lot of quality time together. I've discovered your mother is quite the MILF.

Zachariah:
In Heaven I have six wings and four faces, one of which is a lion!

Dean:
What are you gonna ball gag us until we say yes? Huh? I've heard that too.

Zachariah:
I'm gonna do more than that, I've cleared my schedule.

Zachariah:
The last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me. And I'll tell you why. Lucifer may be strong; but I'm... petty.

Joshua:
Excuse me, sir?

Zachariah:
I'm in a meeting.

Joshua:
I'm sorry, I need to speak to those two.

Zachariah:
Excuse me?

Joshua:
It's a bad time, I know. But I'm afraid I have to insist.

Zachariah:
You don't get to insist jack squat.

Joshua:
No, you're right. But the boss does. His orders.

Zachariah:
You're lying.

Joshua:
Wouldn't lie about this. Look, fire me if you want. Sooner or later, He's gonna come back home, and you know how He is with that whole wrath thing.

Sam:
A wedding? Seriously?

Dean:
Is that a twelve year old packing salt rounds?

Leah:
It's Sam and Dean Winchester. They're safe. I know all about them.

Dean:
You do?

Leah:
Sure. From the angels.

Dean:
Angels. Awesome.

Dean:
Let me guess before you see something you get a really bad migraine; you see flashing lights.

Leah:
How'd you know?

Dean:
Because you're not the first prophet we've met, but you are the cutest. [He sees Leah's father glaring at him.] I mean that with total respect of course.

Castiel's voicemail:
You have reached the voice mail of

Castiel's voice:
I don't understand. Why, why do you want me to say my name?

[sound of numbers being pressed followed by a beep]

Pastor Gideon:
Our Father in Heaven...

Dean:
[Whispers to Sam] Yeah, not so much.

Dylan:
Dean, Sam.

Dean:
Yo.

Dylan:
Hey so um, is-is that, is that cool if I get a ride back with you guys?

Dean:
Hey you saved my ass twice already. One more time, you can drive.

Sam:
[To Dean] No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex. Dean, they basically just outlawed 90 percent of your personality.

Dean:
Where have you been?

Sam:
Drinking.

Dean:
You rebel.

Dean:
Angel world, angel rules man.

Sam:
And since when is that okay with you?

Dean:
Since the Angels got the only lifeboats on the Titanic.

Sam:
Are you... drunk?

Castiel:
No! [brief pause] Yes.

Sam:
... What the hell happened to you?

Castiel:
I found a liquor store.

Sam:
And?

Castiel:
And I drank it.

Sam:
Are you ok ?

Drunk Castiel:
...Dont ask stupid questions.

Sam:
I'm pretty sure she is. Visions, headaches, the whole package.

Castiel:
The names of all the prophets are seared into my brain. Leah Gideon is not one of them.

Dean:
Where the hell have you been?!

Castiel:
On a bender!

Dean:
Did he-Did you say on a bender?

Sam:
Yeah, he's still pretty smashed.

Castiel:
It... is not of import.

Dean:
What is she exactly?

Castiel:
The whore.

Dean:
Wow, Cas, tell us what you really think...

Castiel:
Book of Revelation calls her the Whore of Babylon.

Dean:
And the Enochian exorcism?

Castiel:
Fake. It actually means "You breed with the mouth of a goat"... It's funnier in Enochian.

Castiel:
Her goal is to condemn as many souls to hell as possible. And it's just beginning. She's well on her way to dragging this whole town into the pit.

Dean:
Alright. So then how do we go Pimp of Babylon all over this bitch?

Castiel:
The Whore can only be killed by a true servant of Heaven.

Dean:
Servant like...?

Castiel:
Not you, or me. Sam of course is an abomination. We'll have to find someone else.

Pastor Gideon:
Why does it have to be me?

Castiel:
'Cause you're a servant of heaven.

Gideon:
And you're an angel.

Castiel:
A poor example of one.

Dean:
Heads up. [He tosses Castiel a bottle of aspirin.]

Castiel:
How many should I take?

Dean:
You? You should probably down the whole bottle.

Castiel:
Thanks.

Dean:
Yeah, don't mention it. I've been there. I'm a big expert on dead beat dads. So, yeah, I get it. I know how you feel.

Castiel:
How do you manage it?

Dean:
On a good day you get to kill a whore.

Jane:
I don't understand. How are we supposed to get to paradise now?

Dean:
I'm sorry. Pretty sure you're heading in a different direction.

Dean:
I have no illusions. 'Kay, I know the life that I live. I know how its going to end for me. Whatever. I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know, that when I do picture myself happy, it's with you. And the kid.

Zachariah:
All they care about upstairs, ain't it? Results, results, results. They don't know. They're not down on the ground, in the mud, nose to nose with all you pig-filthy humans. Am I right?

Stuart:
Absolutely--filthy what?

Stuart:
Earthquake?

Zachariah:
No. My boss.

Dean:
Eight months of turned pages and screwed pooches. But tonight, tonight's the night when the magic happens.

Dean:
What is that?

Bobby:
That's the round I mean to put through my skull. Every morning, I look at it. I think, "Maybe today is the day I flip the lights out." But I don't do it. I never do it. You know why? Because I promised you I wouldn't give up!

Adam:
Where am I?

Sam:
It's okay. Just relax. You're safe.

Adam:
Who the hell are you?

Dean:
Well you're going to find this a little- a lot crazy.

Dean:
So, why don't you just tell us everything. Start from the beginning.

Adam:
Well, I was dead and in Heaven... except it--it, uh, kind of looked like my prom. And I was making out with this girl. Her--her name was Kristin McGee.

Dean:
Yeah, that sounds like Heaven. Did you get to third base?

Sam:
Just, uh... just keep going.

Castiel:
Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them.

Dean:
You know what, blow me Cas.

Sam:
There's another way.

Adam:
Great, what is it?

Dean:
Well, we're working on the power of love.

Adam:
How's that going?

Dean:
Not good.

Sam:
Adam, you may not believe it but Dad was trying to protect you by keeping you from this.

Adam:
Well I guess the monster that ate me didn't get that memo.

Sam:
You remember that?

Adam:
Oh yeah.

Sam:
Still trust me. The one thing worse than seeing dad once a year was seeing him all year.

Sam:
From here on out-

Adam:
What? We gonna hop in the family truckster? Pop on down to Wally World?

[Castiel stares intently at Dean in silence]

Dean:
Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that... I got laid.

[Dean is locked in a room with Sam]

Dean:
Is this really necessary?

Sam:
Well... I mean we got our hands full Dean, we've got a house full of flight risks.

Bobby:
Where's Cas?

Sam:
Blown to Oz. Look, I'll get Dean. He couldn't have gone too far. Just watch Adam.

Bobby:
How? You may have noticed, he's got a slight height advantage.

Zachariah:
So you know you can't trust them, right? You know Sam and Dean Winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other, right?

Zachariah:
Hell, they'd rather save each other's sweet bacon than save the planet.

[Dean sees a person preaching on the sidewalk.]

Dean:
Hey, I'm Dean Winchester. Do you know who I am?

Preacher:
Dear God!

Dean:
I'll take that as a yes. Listen I need you to pray to your angel buddies and let 'em that I'm here. [The preacher starts to pray]

Castiel:
You pray too loud. [Cas touches the preacher, knocking him unconscious before grabbing Dean and slamming him up against a wall]

Dean:
What are you, crazy?

Castiel:
[punches Dean's face twice] I REBELLED FOR THIS?! [slams Dean into another wall and hits him a few more times] So you could surrender to them?!

Dean:
Cas... Please...

Castiel:
I gave everything for you! And this is what you give to me? [hits Dean again and kicks him into a fence, Dean falls to the ground]

Dean:
[looks at Cas, who's standing over him with his hands clenched into fists] Do it. Just do it. [Cas unclenches his hands and touches Dean's shoulder, knocking him unconscious]

Sam:
Bobby, what do you mean Adam is gone?

Bobby:
Should I say it in Spanish?

Sam:
What the hell happened to him?!

Castiel:
[Carrying bloodied, unconscious Dean] Me.

Zachariah:
Hey, don't get me wrong. You've been a hell of a sport, really. Good stuff. But the thing is, you're not so much the Chosen One as you are... a clammy scrap of bait.

Adam:
Yeah, but what about the stuff that you said? I'm supposed to fight the Devil.

Zachariah:
Mmmm... Not so much. Hey, if it's any consolation, you happen to be the illegitimate half-brother of the guy we do care about. That's not bad, is it?

Adam:
So you lied. About everything.

Zachariah:
We didn't lie. We just avoided certain truthes to manipulate you.

Adam:
Oh, you son of a bitch.

Zachariah:
Hey, how do you think how I feel? I'm the one that's gotta put up with that dumb slack-jawed look on your face.

Adam:
I'm not gonna let you do this.

Zachariah:
Cool your jets corky.

Dean:
[to Sam, referring to Castiel] Word to the wise... don't piss off the nerd angels.

Dean:
Where's the beautiful room?

Castiel:
In there.

Dean:
The beautiful room is in an abandoned muffler factory in Van Nuys, California?

Castiel:
Where'd you think it was?

Dean:
I don't know. Jupiter? A blade of grass? Not Van Nuys.

Dean:
Tell me again why you don't just grab Adam and shazaam the hell out of there.

Castiel:
Because there are at least five angels in there.

Dean:
So, you're fast.

Castiel:
They're faster.

Zachariah:
I should've trusted the boss man. It's all turning out like he said: you, me, your hemorrhaging brothers.

Zachariah:
[grabbing Dean close] Listen to me! You are nothing but a maggot inside a worm's ass! Do you know what I am, once I deliever you to Michael?!

Dean:
Expendable.

Zachariah:
Michael's not gonna kill me!

Dean:
Maybe not. But I am! [stabs Zachariah through the chin and out the top of his head with an angel's sword, killing him]

Dean:
I don't know if it's being a big brother or what, but to me, you've always been this snot-nosed kid that I've had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that's not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you're grown up enough to find faith in me, the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny right in the face. I say we take the fight to them and do it our way.

Sam:
What's a four star hotel doing on a no star highway?

Dean:
Please be tomato soup, please be tomato soup. [Finds eyeballs in the soup] Motel Hell.

Baldur:
Some ground rules: No slaughtering each other. Curb your wrath. Oh, and, uh, keep your hands off the local virgins, we're trying to keep a low profile here.

Sam:
Gods?... Oh, we are so, so screwed.

Zao Shen:
Here we go...

Odin:
Oh, yeah? And why is that? Because your beliefs are so much more realistic? The whole world's getting carried around on the back of a giant turtle? [laughs] Give me a break.

Zao Shen:
Don't mock my world turtle.

Odin:
[stands up] What are you gonna do about it?

Zao Shen:
I'm gonna send you packing to Valhalla!

Odin:
You watch your mouth when you're talking to me, boy!

Zao Shen:
Boy? I'm older than you.

Odin:
No one's ever proved that!

Dean:
Ok... Did that... Holy Crap!

Sam:
Yeah, tell me about it. By the way, next time I say "let's keep driving," uh... let's keep driving!

Gabriel:
And when are you ever lucky?

Dean:
You know what? Bite me, Gabriel.

Gabriel:
Maybe later, big boy.

Gabriel:
I'm the Costner to your Houston. I'm here to save your ass.

Dean:
You want to pull us out of the fire?

Gabriel:
Bingo.

Dean:
And why do you care?

Gabriel:
I don't... care. But... me and Kali, we, uh... had a thing. Chick was all hands... [Dean looks away] WHAT can I say, I'm sentimental!

Sam:
Do they have a chance? Against Satan?

Dean:
Really, Sam?

Sam:
You got a better idea, Dean?

Gabriel:
It's a bad idea. Lucifer's gonna turn them into fingerpaint.

Dean:
They called you Loki, right? Which means they don't really know who you are?

Gabriel:
Told you. I'm in witness protection.

Dean:
Ok, well then how about you do what we say, or we tell the, uh, Legion of Doom about your secret identity. They don't seen like a real Pro Angel kinda crowd.

Gabriel:
I'll take your voices away.

Dean:
We'll write it down.

Gabriel:
I'll cut off your hands.

Dean:
Well, then people are gonna be asking "Why are you guys running around with no hands?"

Gabriel:
[after a pause] FINE!

Gabriel:
I've tousled with those winged ass monkeys, once or twice.

Kali:
Westerners, I swear, the sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your god's name, but you're not the only religion, and he's not the only god. And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us, and we were here first. If anyone gets to end this world, it's me.

Dean:
Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up.

Sam:
Are you out of your mind?

Dean:
I'm out of options.

Dean:
We can either take on the Devil together, or you lame-ass bitches can eat me. Literally.

Dean:
There's nothing natural about this at all. I thought you were dead.

Gabriel:
You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me.

Dean:
Then what do they have in there?

Gabriel:
A fake. Made it out of a can of Diet Orange Slice.

Kali:
So you're going to summon Lucifer?

Sam:
Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running.

Kali:
Breaking them would be easier.

Lucifer:
You know, I never understood you pagans. You're such petty little things. Always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited this planet to us. You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be gods. [snaps Mercury's neck] And they call me prideful.

Gabriel:
Luci, I'm home!

Gabriel:
Lucifer... you are my brother, and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks.

Lucifer:
What did you say to me?

Gabriel:
Look at yourself... Boo hoo, Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys.

Lucifer:
Watch your tone.

Gabriel:
Play the victim all you want, but you and me, we know the truth. Dad loved you best, more than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So all of this is just a great big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.

Lucifer:
Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael...

Gabriel:
Screw him. If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass, too.

Gabriel:
I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. And I'm not on your side or Michael's, I'm on theirs.

Gabriel:
[to Sam and Dean] Without me, you got zero shot at killing Lucifer. Sorry. But... you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there, and maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You got to get the cage open, trick my bro back into it, and, uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey - details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know. But the key to the cage, it's out there. Actually it's keys, plural, four keys. Well, four rings... from the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage.

[Overhearing Dean and Sam's conversation]

Doctor:
Did you just say that a bunch of statues started crying?

Sam:
What? What? No, no. Who-who...

Dean:
Who would say that? Crazy people.

Sam:
Exactly.

Dean:
Which we are not.

Sam:
You want to talk? After what you did to us?

Crowley:
After what... What I did to you? I gave you the Colt!

Sam:
Yeah, and you knew it wouldn't work against the Devil!

Crowley:
I never!

Sam:
You set us up. We lost people on that suicide run, good people!

Crowley:
[referring to Sam] Call your dog off.

Crowley:
[referring to demons] They burned down my house! They ate my tailor!

Crowley:
I've sold sin to saints for centuries. You think I can't close one little demon?

Crowley:
Sam's not coming.

Sam:
And why the hell not?

Crowley:
Because I don't like you. I don't trust you. And oh yes, and you keep trying to kill me!

Sam:
There's no damn way! This isn't gonna happen.

Crowley:
I'm not asking you, am I? Cause you're not invited.

Bobby:
Are you idgits trying to kill me?!

Sam:
Bobby.

Bobby:
We just got done talking your brother off the edge and now you're lining up to say yes?!

Crowley:
Go get him tiger.

Dean:
You're not coming?

Crowley:
Oh no, it's not safe up there. There's demons.

Brady:
See, War and Famine, even if I could cram the rings back on their bony fingers, I doubt it would do much good. They're withered husks right now, fetal position on the floor, all thanks to you. So I don't want the rings. What I want is retribution. And I'm going to rip it right out of your ass!

Crowley:
What? It went like clockwork.

Dean:
Not for me, you son of a bitch!

Crowley:
That's what you get working with a demon.

Crowley:
Look we can't take this guy back to your brother.

Dean:
Why the hell not?

[Crowley doesn't answer him and just looks around.]

Sam:
You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch! You introduced me to Jess!

Brady:
Ding, ding, I think he's got it.

Dean:
How'd it go? Did he buy your Girl Scout cookies?

Crowley:
Not yet. Where's your moose?

Brady:
Well here we go. Are we doing last words or no?

Brady:
What did you do?

Crowley:
Went over to a demon's nest, had a little massacre. Must be losing my touch, though. Let one of the little toads live. Oops! Also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night because you and I are... wait for it... Lovers in League Against Satan. Hello darling. So now death is off the table. Now you get to be on the boss's eternal torment list with little old me.

Brady:
Oh no no no no. No!

Crowley:
Something else we have in common, apart from our torrid passion, of course: craven self-preservation.

Sam:
You're saying a hellhound followed you here?

Crowley:
[Referring to demon tracking coin] Well, technically he followed this.

[Crowley disappears leaving Sam and Dean to deal with the Hellhounds.]

Sam:
I told you!

Dean:
Oh well good for you!

Brady:
Dammit get me out of here!

Dean & Sam:
Shut up!

Dean:
You're back?

Crowley:
I'm invested. Currently. [Hellhound growls] Stay!

Dean:
You can control them?!

Crowley:
Not that one. [pats his Hellhound which appears to be about 5 feet high based on position of his hand] I brought my own. Mine's bigger. Sick 'em, boy!

Crowley:
[referring to his Hellhound] I'll wager 1,000 my pup wins.

Brady:
What is this?

Dean:
All those angels, all those demons, all those sons of bitches... they just don't get it, do they, Sammy?

Sam:
No, they don't, Dean.

Dean:
You see, Brady, we're the ones you should be afraid of.

Brady:
Maybe the only difference between you and a demon, is your hell is right here.

Sam:
[Kills Brady] Interesting theory.

Bobby:
You know where Death is?

Crowley:
[pauses] No. Not in the foggiest.

Bobby:
Get the hell off my property before I blast you so full of rock salt, you crap margaritas.

Crowley:
Let's just say, when they're getting the Grammy's they shouldn't all be thanking God.

Bobby:
Get out!

Crowley:
I'll give it right back.

Bobby:
Do you think I'm a natural born idgit?

Celeste:
Are you going to cure me?

Pestilence:
No. You're going to die. In 4...3...2... [Celeste vomits on him a la Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" and dies] Interesting.

Dean:
Did you know about this?

Bobby:
What?

Dean:
About Sam's genius plan to say yes to the devil? [Bobby doesn't say anything, then slowly nods.] WELL THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP!

Dean:
Where the hell are you man?

Castiel:
A hospital.

Dean:
Are you okay?

Castiel:
No.

Dean:
[Long pause] You wanna elaborate?

Dean:
Alright. Well no worries. Bobby's here. He'll wire you the cash.

Bobby:
I will?

Dean:
It's like a full color brochure for dying young. Of course, to Pestilence, it's probably Dollywood in there.

Sam:
Hey... what are we even looking for?

Dean:
Well, he's Pestilence so he probably looks sick.

Sam:
Everybody looks sick.

Nurse:
Sir... the Winchesters are here. We should go.

Pestilence:
[laughs] Are you kidding me?

Nurse:
They have a track record with Horsemen.

Pestilence:
You mean my brothers... What they did to my brothers... The only reasonable thing to do here is to take it out on their healthy young asses.

Nurse:
We're under strict orders not to kill the vessels.

Pestilence:
Well, if Satan wants them so bad, he can GLUE THEM BACK TOGETHER!

Pestilence:
However you feel right now, it's going to get so very very much worse. Questions?

Dean:
Cas?

Pestilence:
How'd you get here?

Castiel:
I took a bus.

Dean:
So please tell us you have actual good news.

Bobby:
Chicago is about to be wiped off the map. Storm of the millennium. Sets off a daisy chain of natural disasters. Three million people are gonna die.

Castiel:
I don't understand your definition of good news.

Bobby:
Well Death, the horsemen, he's going to be there. And if we can stop him before he kick starts the storm and get his ring back.

Dean:
Yeah! You make it sound so easy.

Bobby:
The world's gonna end. Seems stupid to get all precious over one little soul.

Dean:
You sold your soul?

Crowley:
More like pawned it. I fully intend to give it back.

Dean:
Well then give it back!

Crowley:
I will.

Dean:
Now!

Sam:
Did you kiss him?

Dean:
Sam!

Sam:
Just wondering.

Bobby:
[awkward silence] No!

Crowley:
[coughs, shows photo of him and Bobby kissing on his iPhone]

Bobby:
Why'd you take a picture?!?

Crowley:
Why'd you have to use tongue?

[Sam and Dean have a heart to heart talk.]

Crowley:
And... scene.

Sam:
So Pestilence was spreading swine flu.

Dean:
Yeah, but not just for giggles. That was step one. Step two is the vaccine. And you think...?

Crowley:
I know. I'll stake my reputation that vaccine is chock full of Grade A, farm-fresh, Croatoan virus.

Sam:
Simultaneous countrywide distribution. That's quite a plan.

Crowley:
You don't get to be Horsemen for nothing. So you boys better stock up on... well, everything. This time next Thursday, we'll all be living in Zombieland.

Castiel:
It's the eleventh hour and I am useless. All I have is this. [Indicates shotgun in his hand] What am I even supposed to do with it?

Bobby:
Point it and shoot.

Castiel:
What I used to be-

Bobby:
Are you really going to bitch to me?

[Later Castiel shoots a "zombie" to save Sam's life]

Castiel:
Actually these things can be useful.

Castiel:
How did you get that?

Crowley:
Hello, King of the Crossroads.

Crowley:
Bobby, are you just going to sit there?

Bobby:
No, I'm going to river dance.

Crowley:
Well I suppose if you wanna impress the ladies.

Dean:
Bobby sold his soul for this!

Crowley:
Relax. All deals are soul back or store credit. We'll catch Death in the next doomed city.

Dean:
Millions, Crowley! Millions of people are about to die any minute!

Crowley:
True. So I strongly suggest we get out of here.

Dean:
So what, call in a bomb threat, a thousand bomb threats? I mean, how the hell am I supposed to get three million people out of Chicago in the next ten minutes?

Bobby:
Can we commit our act of domestic terrorism already? Let's go!

Death:
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that's barely out of its diapers. I'm old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Dean:
Well I gotta ask: How old are you?

Death:
As old as God. Maybe older. Neither of us can remember anymore. Life, death, chicken, egg - regardless, at the end, I'll reap Him too.

Dean:
God? You'll reap God?

Death:
Oh yes. God will die too, Dean.

Dean:
Well, this is way above my pay grade.

Death:
Just a bit.

Death:
Lucifer has me bound to him, some unseemly little spell. He has me where he wants, when he wants. That's why I couldn't go to you, I had to wait for you to catch up. He made me his weapon. Hurricanes, floods, raising the dead. I'm more powerful than you can process, and I'm enslaved to a bratty child having a tantrum.

Dean:
What about Chicago?

Death:
I suppose it can stay. I like the pizza.

Chuck:
On April 21, 1967, the 100 millionth GM vehicle rolled off the line at the plant in Janesville--a blue two-door Caprice. There was a big ceremony, speeches, the lieutenant governor even showed up. Three days later, another car rolled off that same line. No one gave two craps about her. But they should have. because this 1967 Chevrolet Impala would turn out to be the most important car--no, the most important object--in pretty much the whole universe.

Dean:
I'm on board.

Sam:
You're gonna let me say yes?

Dean:
No, that's the thing. It's not on me to let you do anything. You're a grown--well, overgrown--man. If this is what you want, I'll back your play.

Sam:
That's the last thing I thought you'd ever say.

Dean:
Might be.

Sam:
Take care of these guys, okay?

Castiel:
That's not possible.

Sam:
Then humor me.

Castiel:
Oh. I was supposed to lie. [Chuckles] Uh... sure. They'll be fine...

Sam:
Just--just stop... talking.

Chuck:
The Impala, of course, has all the things other cars have... and a few things they don't. But none of that stuff's important. This is the stuff that's important. The army man that Sam crammed in the ashtray--it's still stuck there. The Legos that Dean shoved into the vents. To this day, heat comes on, they can hear 'em rattle. These are the things that make the car theirs. Really theirs. Even when Dean rebuilt it from the ground up, he made sure all these little things stayed. 'Cause it's the blemishes that make her beautiful.

Lucifer:
Sorry if it's a bit chilly. Most people think I burn hot. It's actually quite the opposite.

Dean:
Well, I'll alert the media.

Lucifer:
A wrestling match inside your noggin. I like the idea. Just you and me, one round, no tricks. You win, you jump in the hole. I win... well, then I win. What do you say, Sam? A fiddle of gold against your soul says I'm better than you.

Castiel:
It's starting.

Dean:
Yeah, you think, genius?

Castiel:
You don't have to be mean.

Dean:
So, what do we do now?

Castiel:
I suggest we imbibe copious quantities of alcohol... just wait for the inevitable blast wave.

Dean:
Yes, well, thank you, Bukowski.

Chuck:
In between jobs, Sam and Dean would sometimes get a day--sometimes a week, if they were lucky. They'd pass the time lining their pockets. Sam used to insist on honest work, but now he hustles pool, like his brother. They could go anywhere and do anything. They drove a thousand miles for an Ozzy show. Two days for a Jayhawks game. And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars... for hours... without saying a word. It never occurred to them that, sure, maybe they never really had a roof and four walls but they were never, in fact, homeless.

Dean:
Hey. We need to talk.

Lucifer:
Dean, even for you, this is a whole new mountain of stupid.

Castiel:
Hey assbutt! [hits Michael with holy-oil molotov cocktail]

Michael:
[screams and disappears]

Dean:
Assbutt?

Castiel:
He will be back, and upset. But you got your five minutes.

Lucifer:
Castiel, did you just molotov my brother with holy fire?

Castiel:
[Frightened] Uh... no?

Lucifer:
No one dicks with Michael but me. [Snaps fingers, Castiel explodes]

Dean:
Cas, you're alive?

Castiel:
I'm better than that. [heals Dean, demonstrating his restored powers]

Dean:
... Cas, are you God?

Castiel:
[smiles] That's a nice compliment. But no, though I do believe He brought me back. New and improved. [resurrects Bobby]

Chuck:
Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something. I'm telling you, they're a raging pain in the ass.

Chuck:
This is the last Dean and Bobby will see of each other for a very long time. And for the record, at this point next week, Bobby will be hunting a Roogaru outside of Dayton. But not Dean. Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got wants to die or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.

Chuck:
So what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test... for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and God himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point? No doubt--endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it? [Smiles to himself before disappearing into thin air]

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