The Big Bang Theory, Season 5

The Big Bang Theory (2007-) is an American television show, airing on CBS, centering on the lives of two physicists and their neighbor, an aspiring actress and waitress at The Cheesecake Factory. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.

Raj:
Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!

Kripke:
Yeah, nice speech Fwancine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]

Raj:
I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]

Howard:
She was my second cousin.

Sheldon:
And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!

Raj:
Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!

Howard:
Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.

Raj:
Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?

Howard:
Don't remember. Please sit down.

Raj:
The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]

Howard:
Please, shut up.

Raj:
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!

Wil Wheaton:
Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.

Sheldon:
[Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]

Sheldon:
I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.

Amy:
Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.

Sheldon:
What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?

Amy:
With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.

Sheldon:
Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

Amy:
I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.

Sheldon:
Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!

Amy:
I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.

Sheldon:
And how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.

Amy:
Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.

Sheldon:
Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.

Amy:
We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]

Sheldon:
Super Mario Bros. theme?

Amy:
Yes.

Sheldon:
I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!

Amy:
Fine. There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat? [as Sheldon crosses to his chair he hums along and Amy grins] May I offer you something to drink?

Sheldon:
You know I don't drink.

Amy:
Not even, strawberry Quik?

Sheldon:
I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

Amy:
Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.

Sheldon:
Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!

Amy:
Just like your mommy used to make.

Sheldon:
Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]

Raj:
Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.

Mrs. Wolowitz:
LOUDER!

Bernadette:
They all got ordained! They're all marrying us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!

Raj:
Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.

Penny:
All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

Leonard:
Hmm.

Penny:
Problem?

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
I think the Reverend Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Penny:
Oh, grow up.

Leonard:
I didn't say it.

Amy:
That's enough from the both of you!

Penny:
Well, he started it.

Amy:
Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Leonard:
Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Sheldon:
Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.

Bernadette:
Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!

Sheldon:
Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

Raj:
I believe you two have prepared vows.

Bernadette:
Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Howard:
Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.

Mrs. Wolowitz:
SPEAK UP.

Howard:
From now on she's the only woman that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

Ministers:
By the power invested in us by the state of California...

Sheldon:
..and the Klingon High Council...

Ministers:
..we now pronounce you husband and wife.


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