The Golden Girls, Season 7

Blanche:
Hi, how did the hearing test go?

Sophia:
[to Dorothy] TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID. TELL HER WHAT THE DOCTOR --

Dorothy:
Ma's fine, okay?!

Sophia:
AND?

Dorothy:
I need a hearing aid, okay?!

Dorothy:
Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?

Rose:
I'd rather not.

Dorothy:
Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with the big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?

Rose:
I sure do. [to Blanche] My God, you're an animal!

Blanche:
Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?

Rose:
Apparently I'm not limber enough. [looks to Dorothy for approval]

Dorothy:
That was good.

Rose:
Come on Blanche, you landed on your back more than..than... [turns to Dorothy for help]

Dorothy:
The American Gladiators.

Sophia:
I read that flyer you brought home. Every time you get a pamphlet, I get that disease. And not just diseases. I thought for a while I was a Jew for Jesus!

Rose:
Hi, Sophia.

Sophia:
Shalom.

Dorothy:
Oh, morning Ma. How'd you sleep?

Sophia:
Pretty good. I dreamed I was making love to Jay Leno.

Dorothy:
That's a strange dream for you to have.

Sophia:
Not really. It was Monday night and he was filling in for Carson.

Rose:
You know, back in Minnesota, I was known as the Sherlock Holmes of St. Olaf.

Dorothy:
Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?

Rose:
The hard way.

Blanche:
If I got this job, it would mean going to Europe with [Kendall], to look for rare paintings and antiques.

Sophia:
Well, if he has an eye for antiques, you should be a shoo-in.

Dorothy:
Look who's calling the vase Ming.

Blanche:
Is there any chance I can persuade you girls to join me for a murder mystery weekend?

Dorothy:
Blanche, are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe have become a part of me! "She had more curves than the Monaco Grand Prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."

Sophia:
You do this on first dates, don't you, Dorothy?

Rose:
[after Dorothy tells her to figure who at the mystery weekend are guests and who are actors] Okay Dorothy. [suspiciously] If that's your real name.

Rose:
[Blanche is disgusted that Posey is flirting with Kendall] You flirted with him.

Blanche:
I'm from the South! Flirting is part of my heritage.

Rose:
What do you mean?

Dorothy:
Her mother was a slut too.

Maitre'd:
My God! They've been murdered! [goes back to original position nonchalantly]

Sophia:
[coming from the bathroom] Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?

Rose:
[pointing at the maitre'd] The butler did it!

Maitre'd:
I'm a maitre'd.

Rose:
Thank you. [points again] The maitre'd did it!

Man:
Philip did it!

Woman:
Gloria did it!

Sophia:
It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. [sees that everyone is staring at her] Oh, she says the butler did it and I'm the idiot?

. . .

Rose:
I got it! A maitre'd is some kind of waiter!

Gloria:
[when Dorothy presents a bit of her theory] This woman's pathetic!

Sophia:
[sarcastically] Oh, big news. Tear out the front page!

Rose:
[after Dorothy solves the mock crime] Dorothy, that was a real Tour de France!

Dorothy:
Last evening, at dinner, when Ms. McGlynn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbit her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse,-

Sophia:
Big deal. I took a whole place setting-

Dorothy:
[shouting angrily] NOT NOW, MA!

Dorothy:
[upon seeing the corpse on the bed in Blanche's room] All right, Ma, give me your mirror.

Rose:
What for?

Dorothy:
Every morning I hold it under Ma's nose. If it fogs up, I start the coffee.

Rose:
Maybe that bloody dagger will lead us to the murder weapon!

Detective:
St. Olaf?

Rose:
[Amazed] Boy, he is good!

Dorothy:
[angrily] You're not helping, Rose! It's almost as though you believe Blanche is guilty!

Rose:
Well, she lied about my earrings, and then she took them. I mean, deceit, then theft--isn't murder the next logical step?

Dorothy:
St. Olaf, right?

Blanche:
There's just one hitch. I need three more people to get the group rate at the hotel.

Sophia:
I thought hotels always gave you the group rate.

Rose:
Yes, sweetheart, but this is for the whole night!

Blanche:
How could I be accused of murder?! I am a Devereaux! Things like this usually happen to people named... Petrillo!

Sophia:
I take offense at that! No one in my family ever--EVER--left a body to be found!

Dorothy:
[explaining Kendall's murder] When Posey saw Blanche give Kendall an extra key to her room, she was furious. She slipped out of the dining room and went upstairs when she felt she wouldn't be missed. Later, there was a knock on Blanche's door. Kendall answered. Posey was there. She accused of two-timing, he denied it. Posey takes out a knife and stabs Kendall. Then she left before anyone knew she was there. Jealousy was the motive, alright. But it was not Blanche who comitted the crime. [points to Posey] There's your murderer. Posey McGlinn.

Detective:
Well Ms. McGlinn, do you have anything to say?

Posey:
Dorothy Zbornak, you've stuck your nose in for the last time! [attempts to shoot Dorothy; detective pulls gun away]

Dorothy:
Statistics say that patricide is overhwhelmingly a male crime. [looks at Sophia] Although daughters frequently murder their mothers!

Kendall:
Blanche!

Blanche:
Kendall!

Kendall:
Blanche, I must commend you again. I have a feeling we're in for a weekend that none of us is ever going to forget.

Blanche:
Oh, I do declare! Your sweet words could charm the morning dew right off the honeysuckle!

Dorothy:
That was good, Blanche. Now do Br'er Rabbit.

Lt. Alvarez:
[after explaining Kendall's murder] Given these facts, unless somebody has something else...we've got enough to make an arrest.

Blanche:
[scared] My, my, Mr. Officer...I do declare, your sweet words could charm the morning dew right off the honeysuckle!

Dorothy:
Blanche, not now!

Blanche:
[more scared] If not now, when?!

Blanche:
[complaining about Nurse DeFarge] Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller, when she walked in at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth!

Rose:
You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from Peter Pan.

Dorothy:
What the hell goes on in this house at night?!!

Blanche:
Alright, here we go, good luck ladies. [reads a ballot] Dorothy. [reads another vote] Dorothy. [reads the third vote] Dorothy. [reads the final vote, more quickly] ...Dorothy.

Sophia:
Well, that's that, lets eat, I'm starved.

Dorothy:
Now wait a minute! How did this happen!?

Sophia:
We all voted for you.

Blanche:
Well, Dorothy it's your own damn fault. Why did you vote for yourself?

Dorothy:
Well, I just assumed that everyone would vote for Rose, and I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.

Blanche:
I guess that would hurt.

Dorothy:
[voice breaking] It DOES!

Sophia:
Gimme that![snatches box from Dorothy]

Dorothy:
What's in the box, Ma?

Sophia:
Mexican jumping beans.

Dorothy:
Ma!

Sophia:
Excuse me, Hispanic jumping beans.

'Blanche:
[shouting to the person behind the front door] Uh...you can't come in here! We all have -- quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease!

Rose:
I'm sorry Blanche, I don't have a deadly disease.

Blanche:
Well, get one.

Sophia:
All right Dorothy, I'll tell you. I was married to another man before your father. It was an arranged marriage that I later had annuled.

Dorothy:
And?

Sophia:
And I killed him just to watch him die. What do you mean "and"!?

Dorothy:
[to Sophia, after Rose explains to Dorothy that the reason she gave the ring back to Miles was because Charlie "spoke" to her in Sophia's body] You're a horrible little person.

Sophia:
Come on. Like you never pretended to be possessed by someone's dead husband for a couple of laughs.

Dorothy:
You know, you have really ruined Rose's relationship with Miles.

Sophia:
If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie-- I almost wet myself!

Dorothy:
Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey. You are going to tell Rose the truth.

Sophia:
Or?

Dorothy:
Remember Shady Pines?

Sophia:
Yeah, it wasn't so bad.

Dorothy:
I hear they sold it to some Germans.

Sophia:
[gets up from the table and goes after Rose] Rose! Rose, wait up, Rose!

Rose:
[showing off the ring] Hi everyone. If I seem a little giddy, it's because... look what Miles gave me!

Sophia:
[examining Rose's hand] Liver spots?

Rose:
What's going on?

Dorothy:
Oh, Stevie's leaving Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.

Rose:
Well, I can understand that; she is a big radio personality.

Dorothy:
[on her father] I felt like there was something wrong with me, like he wasn't proud of me.

Sophia:
He was proud of you! In fact, I remember him saying, "Anyone would want a daughter like this." Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.

Dorothy:
[angrily] Look, I don't have to listen to this. Have you any idea how it makes me feel when you say things like that?!

Sophia:
No. After I'm dead, drop me a note.

Dorothy:
You know, I never had a sponge cake that was quite so......moist.

Jerry:
Extremely moist.

Rose:
The moistest.

Sophia:
I found the tea rather moist as well. [Dorothy gives her a look]

Sophia:
I can't be uncomfortable too?

Rose:
So how was [your date], Blanche?

Blanche:
You might as well ask me to describe the glory of the great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of the Carolina dawn!

Dorothy:
They went to a sleazy motel.

Blanche:
Or the colours of the monarch butterfly spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon!

Dorothy:
She got him to pay for half the room.

Blanche:
Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heaven, tall and mighty and proud!

Dorothy:
That one, I think, is pretty self-explanatory.

Sophia:
[on Dorothy's good mood] If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.

Rose:
You're going back to Shady Pines?

Sophia:
No, you moron, she has a date!

Rose:
[in a flashback scene] This is a nice place. Do you come here a lot?

John:
Oh, no, not really. I don't have much of a social life.

Woman:
[approaching table] So, this is where you bring your cheap fake-blonde floozies! John, you disgust me; and as far as I'm concerned, we're through. [storms off]

Rose:
Who was that?

John:
My sister. I recommend the Poulet Véronique.

Rose:
John, I have a rule; if I can't pronounce it, I don't put it in my mouth. Say, do they have gugenfrøtter?

Pregnant Woman:
[to John] Alan! Alan, please, talk to me! You haven't answered my calls, you don't answer my letters, Alan, please, what can I say? What can I do to get you back?

Rose:
"Alan"?

John:
Nickname. [to pregnant woman] Susan, Susan, please, this is not the time or the place!

Susan:
It's me, isn't it! I've driven you away. What if I dyed my hair? [looks at Rose] I'd even dye it that color! If they still make that color.

John:
Susan, it's over and you have to accept that; and a word of warning: I haven't graded your final exam yet. [Susan leaves; to Rose:] So, shall we order separate entrees and share?

Rose:
Hold it! Who was that?

John:
Okay, okay, so I've had a couple of bad relationships with women, that's not so unusual. Now, where is our waiter? ... Oh, waiter!

Male Waiter:
[to John] Well, well, Peter! We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we? [looking at Rose] And who's this, Glinda the Good Witch of the North? You disgust me! After the way you've treated me I should scratch your eyes out! [voice breaks] Call me!

John:
Poker buddy.

Rose:
You know, I don't think this dinner was such a good idea.

John:
Now Rose, please don't leap to conclusions.

Rose:
I'm sorry, John, but I think I'll just catch a cab---

John:
Rose, you're hurting my feelings. Believe me, this is not what it seems! John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy!

Police Officer:
[to John] Shlomo Ziegler?

John:
Yes?

Police Officer:
[handcuffing John] You're under arrest! Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over!

John:
I know what you're thinking, Rose, but you're wrong, and if I can make bail I'd love to see you tomorrow night.

Rose:
I don't think so.

John:
May I call you? I get one phone call... [the police haul him away]

Rose:
Man!

Male Waiter:
[to Rose] I think we both need a hug!

Blanche:
[To Dorothy] Why would he want you when he's seen the promised land?

Dorothy:
I don't know Blanche, too many squatters?

[Sophia brings bags and shovel to kitchen]

Dorothy:
Ma, what you're doing?

Sophia:
This is for sandbags Dorothy, there's a hurricane acoming!

Dorothy:
A-coming?

Sophia:
That's right! People only use the A when a really big storm is acoming or abruing, so grab a sack and start ashoveling!

Dorothy:
Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.

Sophia:
Ida Pearlberg down at the senior centre woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?

Dorothy:
YES

Sophia:
Dorothy, when you get around my age two things happen. 1. you get more intuitive about the weather and 2. corn becomes you're enemy!

Dorothy:
Ma, even if there is a hurricane A-coming...

Sophia:
Don't patronize me!

Dorothy:
I'm not patronizing you, I'm A-mocking you!

Dorothy:
Look Ma, if there is a hurricane coming it's not gonna get here for a while so come on, sit down and relax.

[about Gloria]

Dorothy:
She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.

[Stan holding his monkey made from a traffic cone]

Stan:
Well, she's not getting mine!

Dorothy:
She's not out of monkey, Stan; she's out of money!

Dorothy:
Well, this is it! My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?

Blanche:
Oh, fine, why?

Dorothy:
It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.

Blanche:
You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.

Dorothy:
Why aren't you arrested more?

Dorothy:
In every relationship, there are times when you don't want to be with each other. I mean, Stanley and I went through a period where we had very little marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.

Rose:
You mean, it grows back?

Dorothy:
[sarcastically] Yes, Rose; he's a lizard!

Rose:
[running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [plays a piano intro, then sings] Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...

Blanche:
Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.

Rose:
Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll! [grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.] We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...

Blanche:
Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.

Sophia:
[over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Dorothy:
Haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer, don't you remember, the one who played Goofy at Disney World?

Rose:
I remember the passion, yes.

Dorothy:
Do you remember why it didn't work out?

Rose:
It just didn't.

Dorothy:
Right, but why not?

Rose:
I don't want to talk about it.

Blanche:
Oh Rose honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.

Rose:
He took off the Goofy head. [looks sad and pensive]

Dorothy:
Took off the Goofy head. See? That's not so bad. [looks at Blanche and rolls her eyes]

Rose:
So please call the number on your screen to donate. [555-GIVE]

Blanche:
And for that handsome guy in the red Corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, well you can call my personal number that is flashing on your screen now. [555-EASY]

Blanche:
Well, befor I go, I'd like to make one final plea. Now I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Share with me!

Station Manager:
M'aam, we've been off the air for 2 minutes.

Blanche:
I know it, I'm talking to Chester on camera 2. Share with me Chester!

Sophia:
[backing against the front door after Dorothy leaves, and grinning wickedly at Blanche] Fasten your seat belt, slut-puppy! This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

Blanche:
Oh, I just wish Sophia were my mother... then I could put her in Shady Pines.

Blanche:
[on her idea to have Rose "cheat on" Miles] I have been giving it some serious thought, and I finally have come up with the perfect solution for your very sensitive problem with Miles.

Rose:
What?

Blanche:
Cheat on him.

Rose:
I can't cheat on Miles!

Blanche:
Well, maybe "cheat" isn't quite the right word. Just think of it as one night out with my rich friends from Texas.

Rose:
Well, why isn't that cheating?

Blanche:
'Cause you're not gonna get caught. Come on, Rose, just think about it: a delicious dinner at an elegant restaurant, at night...

Rose:
[pausing] You mean no coupons, Blanche?

Blanche:
No coupons, Rose.

Rose:
Chefs who don't wear pirate hats?

Blanche:
I don't think so.

Rose:
And he'll pay for everything, I don't have to leave the tip?!

Blanche:
That's right!

Rose:
[singing happily] I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles, I'm gonna cheat on Mi-iles!

Rose:
[on her problems with Miles] Lately he's gotten, I don't know, really tight, and I hate it!

Blanche:
Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite. I love a tight man. A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could choke a bear... and a butt you could eat breakfast off of... then the two of us would... [pauses briefly, snaps back to reality] Rose, when did you get in?

Rose:
Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight!

Blanche:
Oh, I love a tight man! A tight man with cast-iron pecs... thighs that could---

Rose:
No, tight with money! He's cheap!

Blanche:
Oh - tight with money? Dump him.

Rose:
I feel so terrible about last night. I might have thrown away the perfect relationship, and for what?

Blanche:
Well, it's your own fault for cheating on Miles!

Rose:
Blanche, it was your idea!

Blanche:
It's the execution, Rose. I said don't get caught.

Rose:
I don't know what I'm going to do. What if he doesn't come back? What if I've lost him? What if I turn into a lonely old spinster and never find love again?

Blanche:
[laughs, engrossed in the funny pages] Oh, look! Garfield caught a fish!

Blanche:
You don't believe that Grammy's here, that she talks to me!

Dorothy:
Of course I do, sweetheart. [imitating Blanche's grammy] Blanche, this is your grammy! Y'all get yourself out of here you dumb peckerwood!

Rose:
Oooh, I heard it that time too! Feets don't fail me now! [flees the room]

Blanche:
It was hard enough lettin' go when Grammy died. The family had to sell Grandview and it got turned into an ol' bed and breakfast, but at least I could visit.

Sophia:
And have breakfast.

Blanche:
Thank you, Sophia.

Sophia:
Pancakes by the looks of it.

Blanche:
Thank you, Sophia!

[Shot of interstate highway at night]

Rose:
[voiceover, singing The Name Game] Let's try it now with Dorothy. Dorothy Dorothy bo-borothy, bonana-fana-fo-forothy, fee-fi-mo-morothy...

[Sound of car screeching to a halt]

Dorothy:
[voiceover] Get out, Rose.

Sophia:
[dictating her will to Rose] I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak... [grins] NOTHING!

Rose:
Sophia!

Sophia:
It's a joke, I'm kidding. Like when I said, "Sound mind and body."

Rose:
Sophia, wills are no joking matter! Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prize cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency! There I was, presenting my side to a jury of her peers! It took over six months to get the farm back!

Sophia:
What a terrible story.

[Rose nods]

Sophia:
[annoyed] I mean it - it's a terrible story! [calmer] But you must have been relieved when you won.

Rose:
Oh yeah, we celebrated. With a big, thick steak.

Dorothy:
Ma, what are you doing up?

Sophia:
Disappointed, huh? If I'm up that means I'm alive, and if I'm alive it means you can't get your hands on my money.

Dorothy:
What are you talking about?

Sophia:
You know about the will. You know if I die you'll be on easy street. What did you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash? Ha ha, the joke's on you, I don't use it.

Dorothy:
Oh Ma, come on, you're just being silly. [pours a cup of tea] Here, have some tea. [gets a mysterious, sinister expression on her face] It'll relax you.

Sophia:
Nice try, Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.

Dorothy:
Rose, DON'T!!! ... [calmer] That tea was for my mommy.

Sophia:
You try to do right by your kids, and you end up as the lead story on Hard Copy!

Sophia:
As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.

Dorothy:
What estate, your loofah sponge and bus pass?

Sophia:
Don't forget the four gold teeth from when your father worked at the funeral parlor. "Perks" he called them. That's the kind of stock you come from, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
I come from graverobbers?

Dorothy:
I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from Phil and Gloria while I've had to go without.

Blanche:
Well now, Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.

Dorothy:
That's not what I'm talking about! But since you brought it up, yes, I can! If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with... I'd better not say anything until I've had my coffee. [she takes a sip of coffee] ...A SLUT AND A MORON!!!

[Rose and Blanche both look hurt by Dorothy's words]

Dorothy:
...I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Sophia:
Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.

Dorothy:
Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?!

Rose:
I know what I'm doing! Every Thursday I watch La Law.

Dorothy:
That's "L.A. Law!"

Rose:
I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent!

Sophia:
[Waving the Pope's ring over a glass of water on the living room table] WINE!

[Dorothy looks at Sophia strangely.]

Sophia:
Worth a shot.

[Sophia comes through the door just as Miles walks out]

Sophia:
Miles, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you --

Miles:
Later.

[Rose walks through the house and out the door]

Sophia:
Rose, this is really important --

Rose:
Maybe later, Sophia.

[Dorothy comes out of the kitchen and starts into the hall]

Sophia:
Dorothy, I can't breathe!

Dorothy:
Not now, Ma! [pauses] Alright, but this better be important.

Sophia:
It depends. How important is...[shows Dorothy the ring] ...the Pope's ring?

Dorothy:
[looking at the ring] Alright, Ma, squirt me in the face and get it over with.

Rose:
[on meeting the Pope ] He had the most beautiful blue eyes!

Sophia:
Yeah, all the cute guys are either married or Popes.

Blanche:
[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.

Dorothy:
Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.

Rose:
Thank you, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!

Blanche:
Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!

Dorothy:
[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Sophia:
You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?

Blanche and Rose:
Boy, do I ever.

Blanche:
[to Rose] Now, you stop that, you just stop that!

Sophia:
I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a...

Dorothy:
MA! I know what a man is! But I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards, I have intelligence, I have class. And you know what else I have?

Sophia:
It's not self-awareness, that's for damn sure. Hey, listen to this: "Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners, and waking up in the morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny, please send letter and photo." This is the one, he's perfect! I've found myself a man!

Blanche:
[to herself enviously] ...I'm the biggest slut...

Sophia:
[immediately after Marvin confesses that he and Sarah are husband and wife, not brother and sister] Dorothy, you can come in now.

Dorothy:
I thought the two of you would like some nice cold lemonade.

Sophia:
Marvin is married to Sarah.

Dorothy:
[pauses, to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.

Sophia:
Isn't it obvious? They put in ad in the paper to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games! They want me to be their love slave!

Rose:
[upset because she can't remember Thor] Boy, it's finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things, forgetting people who at one time were important to me.

Sophia:
Don't be ridiculous, you're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.

Rose:
Oh, thank you... [stares at Sophia for a few seconds with a blank look on her face]

Sophia:
Sophia!

Rose:
Sophia.

Sophia:
You're welcome...

Rose:
Rose.

Sophia:
Rose.

Dorothy:
Any wonder we get nursing home brochures by the truckload?

Sarah:
I'm just here to pick up Marvin.

Sophia:
Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula! Come on in and pull up a whip!

Dorothy:
You two have a lot of explaining to do.

Marvin:
I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.

Sarah:
Oh dear.

Dorothy:
Why did you lie to my mother?

Sarah:
We didn't mean to lie, we just wanted to make sure that Sophia was the right one.

Dorothy:
Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games! Oh my god, this is unbelievable!

Sophia:
It's not that unbelievable.

[Rose mistakenly booked Dorothy and Blanche as guests on a talk show about lesbian couples.]

News Host:
Today, on WAKE UP MIAMI...women who live together. Does society make it difficult? Find out after the break when we talk to four lesbians, today on WAKE UP MIAMI.

Blanche:
Rose, could I see you for a moment?

Rose:
[walks over] You're mad, aren't you?

Blanche:
Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show, this live show, this live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.

Rose:
Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat The Price is Right!

Dorothy:
Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now how did this happen?

Rose:
Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.

Dorothy:
We DO NOT sleep together!

Rose:
Yes, you did! Last month, whe-, when Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out!

Blanche:
Listen. I'm not going through with this!

Rose:
Blanche, if you leave, they'll fire me!

Dorothy:
Good. My mother is here. My teacher is here. Good!

Rose:
If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but... sit home and tell St. Olaf stories!

Blanche:
Blackmail! Oh, ho, ho, ho, very smart!

Rose:
Hey, they don't call me "Harold Goldstein" for nothing!

News Man:
Welcome back. Lets meet the panelists...

Dorothy:
How come THEY'RE not lesbians?

Pat:
We don't believe in labels.

News Man:
Fascinating. Oh it looks like we have a question from the audience.

Man in the Audience:
Are there male-female roles in the relationship?

Blanche:
Well, I AM the little homemaker if that's what you mean. Ahahahaha.

Dorothy:
[pissed] Now, wait just a minute! Y'...

Dorothy:
...and I take out the garbage.

News Man:
Fascinating. Any other questions? Oh. Yes?

Sophia:
[pointing at Blanche] This is directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?

Blanche:
[laughing nervously] Most people don't know.

Sophia:
Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?

Dorothy:
[menacingly] I really don't know but, I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Sophia:
No more questions.

Dorothy:
Well I guess at 17, 23 sounds kind of dangerous and forbidden.

Rose:
When you're 17 a cow seems dangerous and forbidden. [notices the others looking at her strangely] Am I in the minority here?

Sophia:
[enters the kitchen] Dorothy, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend Gladys. She thinks you can do better than Blanche.

Dorothy:
I agree, but Ma, if it's all right with you, I have a lot of work to do here.

Rose:
I can't believe you're still working on that article! I thought you were just going to help organize it.

Sophia:
I can't believe you're doing this again. You're letting him take advantage of you like he did in high school.

Dorothy:
He is under a lot of pressure and I don't want him to kiss his deadline! [weird looks from everyone] Miss. Miss his deadline.

Sophia:
Ooooh, Mr. Gordon! [makes kissing sounds]

Sophia:
I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy out of town. At least when Blanche does it it's good for tourism.

[Blanche enters kitchen]

Blanche:
I'm nothing but a cheap, tawdry, slut.

[Rose with her back to the kitchen door]

Rose:
Let me guess....is it Blanche!

Blanche:
Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this. Blanche Deveraux has lost her sex appeal. [leaves kitchen]

Sophia:
They're always the last to know.

Jerry:
This is all very confusing. Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you is really Dorothy Zbornak?

Blanche:
[grinning from ear to ear] I am Dorothy's...best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead. [takes his hand and leaves]

Dorothy:
[in her dream, upon seeing and hearing that Rose is the returning champion] This woman is an idiot!

Announcer Johnny Gilbert:
Oh, really? She didn't get knocked up in high school!

Dorothy:
[receiving call from Jeopardy that she has made it to the trial run] Hello, yes this is she. I did, well thank you! [person on the other end asks if Blanche is there] Yes, yes, she's my roommate. She did! No, no I'll be happy to tell her. Blanche, you flunked.

[taking Jeopardy test]

Blanche:
Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?

Dorothy:
Well, well, well, Blanche, a pound of make-up and a tube of lip gloss can't help you now, can they?

Blanche:
I don't need you anyway. [touches guy next to her] Hey, show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Rose:
Dorothy, isn't this something? You've become what we call in the news business a hot story.

Dorothy:
And you've become what we call in the revenge business "next."

Rose:
This isn't so bad. Look there's a chair. Look Dorothy a chair. This isn't going to be bad at all. [to Blanche, quietly] Can we go home, now? It's getting dark out.

Dorothy:
Someday, I'm going to get out of this hell hole and come looking for you.

Rose:
Don't spend all of your time in here hating me Dorothy. Learn a trade.

Rose:
[thinking of ideas for her job] "Miami's sordid sex scene. Who's behind it?"

Dorothy:
[points to Blanche] That's her, she's the one!

Blanche:
[after an unpleasant experience at the shoe store with Sophia] Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean. That's part of your charm.

Sophia:
Thank you, you bedhopping relic.

Blanche:
[pops Sophia's balloon from the shoe store]

Blanche:
I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem is kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Go on, now you try.

Dorothy:
Oh, Blanche.

Blanche:
Oh, please. Please.

Dorothy:
[Sighing]Oh. I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.

Blanche:
Sorry, I confused you honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, I'm Dorothy Zbornak...I'm a good speller, and um....I'm very prompt, and um..... well actually there's..., there's no law that says there has to be three.

Dorothy:
Actually, I just thought of a third one; I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.

Rose:
[on preparations for Sophia's "wake"] I even know a way we can save some money. I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.

Sophia:
Some wake. Scandinavian crap on a cracker. ... I mean, thank you.

[Sophia's friend Myrtle has just arrived at the "wake" - however, Rose forgot to mention in her invitations to the wake that Sophia is alive, and Myrtle is very upset because she thinks Sophia is dead.]

Blanche:
Oh Myrtle, thank goodness you got here! You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.

Myrtle:
[sobbing] Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Blanche:
[laughing] Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's wonderful, do another one.

Myrtle:
The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?

Blanche:
Wait, don't tell me... Klaus von Bulow?

Blanche:
All your dreams can come true if you believe. All you have to do is believe!

Dorothy:
[clapping hands excitedly] Oh, I do believe! I do believe in sluts!

Dorothy:
Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back. It doesn't work. I know. [ominous pause] I tried.

Blanche:
This necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my grammy. I've only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight I've decided to wear it with clothes.

Carol:
Hi, Blanche. I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself so I thought I'd do some risk taking and invite myself over. Here I am, totally vulnerable. Taking a chance. I am so proud of me.

[Blanche slams the door in her face. Carol rings the doorbell and Blanche opens the door.]

Carol:
You know, that would have devastated the old me, but the new me? Just an emotional owie and do you know why? Because I like myself!

[Blanche again slams the door in her face. Carol rings the doorbell and again Blanche opens the door.]

Carol:
The new me is starting to get honked off. Look, I'm lonely and scared and you're having a party. Can I come in or not?

Blanche:
Look, Carol, I am going to be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list and frankly there is room here for only one young, attractive female.

Carol:
[dashing inside] Ooh, then I just got in under the wire!

Carol:
[talking to a man at the party] Last night, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, my boyfriend was gone.

Man:
I don't get it.

Carol:
It's not a joke.

Carol:
Excuse me, Blanche. I think I'm gonna leave. I'm not having such a good time.

Blanche:
Oh, what a relief to know it isn't just me.

Carol:
It's like every man here just wants to sleep with me. Even the Rabbi with the limp!

Dorothy:
[trying to explain to Rose, in a roundabout way, how she kissed Miles] Let's say you make Miles a batch of your delicious, creamy cupcakes, and he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.

Rose:
Miles does have a sweet tooth.

Dorothy:
But let's say that, even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example let's say my cupcakes. And I, in a mad passionate moment, forget myself and... [voice breaking slightly] let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?

Rose:
I'd like to think I'd understand.

Dorothy:
Oh, good, good. I was hoping that's what you would say.

[Rose giggles]

Dorothy:
What?

Rose:
I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.

Dorothy:
Why is that funny?

Rose:
No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes.

Dorothy:
My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men LOVE my cupcakes.

Rose:
Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.

Dorothy:
[angrily] Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball! I... wait - wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?

Rose:
You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute... have you and Miles been... baking together?

Dorothy:
Rose, I would never do that to you. I swear.

Rose:
Good. [picks up a coffee mug] Because if I ever caught Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd... [the coffee mug breaks from the pressure of Rose squeezing on it; Rose first looks at the mug in amazement, and then gives Dorothy a triumphant look]

Rose:
Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?

Dorothy:
I'd rather have the cash.

Rose:
Actually it's not for you, it's for Miles.

Dorothy:
He'd rather have the cash.

Blanche:
Nurse, now we realize that the hospital has rules and you have to try to uphold those rules. But, you have to realize that this is a very special case. So, I'm gonna quote from the Bible just to show you how determined we really are. Now, the good book says, um, oh, "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor....nor dark of night shall keepeth uth...from our appointed rounds." Amen. [The nurse gives Blanche a look.] I can see you are a non-believer.

Janet:
Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion, it makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.

Blanche:
Well, honey, of course He exists! Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.

Janet:
[putting an arm around Sarah] Mother!

Blanche:
Oh, I'm sorry... I came to religion late.

Janet:
I'd say.

Blanche:
But it's never too late! And it is my fervent hope that the three of us, you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk the path of righteousness together. And now if you'll excuse me, I have Gideon Bibles for everyone. [leaves room]

Sarah:
I miss "sexy" Grandma.

Janet:
I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin', I'm sure a lot of people do.

[At the reunion, Rose goes over to the other girls holding several pieces of paper.]

Blanche:
Where've you been?

Rose:
When no one was looking, I went by the No-Show table and I got four name tags for us! Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong... [gives Blanche a name tag] ...and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples... [gives Dorothy a name tag] ...and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker. [gives an irked Sophia a name tag]

Sophia:
Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man! Dorothy, trade with me?

Dorothy:
Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.

Rose:
Oh come on, I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.

Dorothy:
I don't know...

Rose:
Trust me, it'll work, or my name isn't Kim Fung Toi [pasting tag to her shirt].

Dorothy:
Oh I HATE reunions! Everyone so dressed up and fake, pretending to be someone they're not. Why can't people just be themselves?

Random Guy:
Cindy Lou Peeples?

Dorothy:
Tommy Lunt?

Dorothy and the guy:
[the two act as if they ARE the people in question, embrace and walk off together] AAH! AAH!

Larry Tucker:
[to Sophia] Excuse me...aren't you Mrs. Gonzalez, Spanish 101?

Sophia:
Sí!

Larry:
Hi, Larry Tucker! [shakes Sophia's hand] You know, I-I was always afraid to tell you this when I was in your class, but... [shyly] I had a huge crush on you back then!

Sophia:
Why didn't you ever do anything about it?

Larry:
Mrs. Gonzalez -- you were my teacher!

Sophia:
And you were my favorite student. But I'm not your teacher anymore. And Mr. Gonzalez is dead. [pause] Let's mambo! [grabs Larry and starts dancing with him]

Rose:
My great-grandfather once removed his neighbor's appendix, and he wasn't even sick!

Dorothy:
Why would he do that?

Rose:
Let's just say they were playing poker and the stakes got a little high.

Blanche:
[on studying old yearbooks to fit in at the class reunion] We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.

Dorothy:
Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?

Rose:
Oh - how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Uh... you don't have to buy a yearbook dinner!

Blanche:
Rose...

Rose:
You can take a yearbook home to your parents!

Blanche:
Rose!

Rose:
There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table!

Dorothy:
Rose, this isn't a riddle.

Rose:
Well, make it one! I had three good answers!

Lucas:
Dorothy, will you marry me for real?

Dorothy:
For real? Oh, Lucas. Yes. Yes!

Sophia:
I think I'm gonna cry. I think- [sneezes] Oh. Nevermind.

Sophia:
Oh, I feel another sneeze coming on. [tears fall from her eyes] Well I'll be damned.

Dorothy:
[to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much!

Sophia:
[thinking Rose and Blanche embracing are Dorothy and Lucas] I just love watching you two kiss. It- [notices it is Rose and Blanche] Whoa. Oops. What is this, Wimbledon?

Dorothy:
Well...

Blanche:
Well...

Rose:
Yea...

Sophia:
...I guess this is it.

Dorothy:
[nodding] Right. Listen-

Blanche:
Dorothy, you don't have to say anything.

Rose:
What can you say about 7 years of fights and laughter...secrets...cheesecake...

Dorothy:
Just that...it's been very...it was been an experience that I'll always keep close to my heart. [sobbing] And that these are memories that...I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving and...

Blanche:
We love you, too...[girls embrace and cry]...You'll always be a part of us

Dorothy:
Your friendship was something I never expected at this point of my life, and I could never asked for a better surprise

Blanche:
[sobbing] That's how we feel too.

Dorothy:
I have to go.

Rose:
Dorothy......is this goodbye?

Dorothy:
[walks to the door, looks at the girls and nods]...I love you, always [leaves room while the girls stare at the door. Dorothy re-appears from the door] Oh god I love you! [girls embrace again]

Blanche:
[sobbing] Oh Dorothy...Dorothy...

Dorothy:
[sobbing] Lucas is waiting [heads to the door again, looks at girls] You're angels...all of you [leaves room again while the girls stare at the door again. Dorothy comes out from the backyard hall] OH GOD, I'LL MISS YOU!!! [girls embrace once more] Listen I have a flight... [heads for the door once more] ...you'll always be my sisters... [sobbing] always [leaves room for good while the girls stare at the door again then at the backyard hall and at the kitchen door. The three remaining girls embrace, sobbing]

Sophia:
[to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.

Nurse DeFarge:
Oh, you're Pussycat, too?

Dorothy:
I am Pussycat One. You are Pussycat Two.

Dorothy:
Ma, I cannot BELIEVE what you were doing on the Interstate.

Sophia:
I was living for the day, pussycat.

Dorothy:
YOU WERE MOONING A CHAIN GANG!

Sophia:
And did you see the looks on their faces?! They probably hadn't seen a woman in years!

Dorothy:
I guess you're right; they kept up with us through four warning shots.

Dorothy:
[to Blanche] I think it's nice that you're trying to quote the Bible. [aside, to Sophia] The only thing that's been in more hotel rooms than she has and she can't remember a word of it.