The Inbetweeners, Series 1

Mr Gilbert:
As you can tell from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate Will. As you'll be sharing most of the same classes - Cooper, you'll be looking after him.

Simon Cooper:
Sir, that's not fair!

Mr Gilbert:
Rule one of the Sixth Form: Life is not fair.

Simon:
But Sir, look at his blazer for starters! He's got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair's a bit gay and that badge! I mean, the badge alone.

Will:
I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life.

Simon:
(referring to Carli) I've lusted her since I was eight.

Neil:
You fancy eight year olds?

Simon:
No, Neil. Our families are friends. We were both eight.

Neil:
So? You still fancied an eight year old.

Will:
Anyone can be your friend. All you have to do is hang round them long enough.

Bartender:
You got proof of age?

Will:
You have my word.

Simon:
(sarcastically to Jay) Yeah, that's it. I've had 210 wanks and my cock's like a pepperami.

(Will's mum drives up to the school gates)

Will:
Oh, no...

Simon:
(surprised) Is that your mum?

Will:
I told her not to come and pick me up.

Neil:
She's fit.

Jay:
I'd f*** her!

Will:
(hesitates) Well, thanks very much.

Jay:
Well wouldn't you?

Will:
Well, considering she's my mother...no?!

Jay:
Yeah, but what if she wasn't?

Will:
Well she is, so still no.

Simon:
Yeah, but what he's saying is, if she wasn't your mum...would you f*** her?

Will:
(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?

Jay:
Look, all I wanna know is whether you'd get down between her knees, spread them, and...

Will:
(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother's VAGINA?!

Jay:
Get the beers in and let the gash form an orderly queue.

Will:
(to Simon) Sorry, did he actually just say "the gash?"

Will:
(entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper's suit) Good day!

Shopkeeper:
(looking up)...Sorry?

Will:
(nervous)...Good day!

Shopkeeper:
Oh...hello.

Shopkeeper:
(to Will) Can I help?

Will:
(with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper)Er, yes. I am...a man. Who has recently bought a house in the local area, and I'm having a house-warming party...to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults...(counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly)...to...Hence the crisps.

Will:
And I'll also probably need some...(swallows nervously)...al-co-hol, as well as the crisps, et cetera.

Shopkeeper:
Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?

Will:
Some...(eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf)...Beefeater Gin?

Shopkeeper:
OK. How about two bottles?

Will:
(posh) Excellent.

Shopkeeper:
Want some wine?

Will:
Christ no, I'm not made of money! And I'll have some...Extra-Strong Mints.

Will:
For those who are drink-driving.

Shopkeeper:
Right...comes to £29.50. Anything else?

Will:
What's on Special?

Shopkeeper:
(suddenly fierce) I'll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out the shop in 5 seconds.

Will:
...Done. Thank you, my good man...I shall invite you to the party.

Will:
(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished!

Jay:
What's in all the bags then?

Will:
Just something to soak up the alcohol.

(Jay takes a bag and opens it)

Jay:
Crisps?!

Neil:
Where's the beer?!

Simon:
Have you spent all our money on fancy f***ing crisps?!

Neil:
You twat!

Jay:
(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the f***'s this?!

Will:
Drambuie.

Neil:
What's Drambuie?

Will:
It's a sort of whisky-based liqueur.

Neil:
What's a liqueur?

Jay:
It's what benders drink(!)

Neil:
Well why have we got that then?!

Simon:
(teasing) Because we're going back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink.

Neil:
Oi, my dad's not bent.

Simon:
He is a bit, though.

Neil:
He's f***ing not!

Jay:
Right, let's look at the evidence. 1.) Your mum left him because he loves cock!

Neil:
(to Will) That's not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.

Will:
(teasing) In bed with a bender.

Simon:
(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.

Jay:
2.) He wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening!

Simon:
And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that's to play badminton!

Neil:
(annoyed) Right! Well...Dad's not bent, because he's got hundreds of porn mags at home, and it's all straight!

Simon:
All straight?

Neil:
Some lesbian.

Simon:
Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.

Neil:
Well fine, come on then.

Will:
(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it's 90% cock.

Jay:
(singing to Simon, to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Carli's fanny on your face, on your face, on your face! Carli's fanny on your face, and your bell-end!

Will:
Oh piss off!

Mr Sutherland:
Don't talk to me like that in my own house!

Will:
Oh sorry, my manners... Piss off, PLEASE!!!

Mr Sutherland:
I've had enough of your lip!

Will:
Oh you'd like my lip wouldnt you, right round your bell end! If Mr Chippy doesn't get there first! What's he gonna knock up, a closet for you to hide in? You BUMDER!!!

Mr Cooper:
Well, you've had an eventful day. You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carly's! Am I missing anything?

(pause)

Will:
We also hit a spastic (simmo) with a Frisbeee.

Will:
This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride -

Jay:
A man's cock in the bushes?

Will:
...The Nemesis Inferno!

Jay:
(to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.

Neil:
He doesn't, actually.

Simon:
Rent boys don't come cheap.

Neil:
Oi, my dad's not bent.

Jay:
Then why is he paying for rent boys?

Neil:
He's not.

Simon:
What, they're freebies?

Jay:
I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.

Will:
Well sounds like they are thrill seekers too.

Jay:
I hope they are cock seekers too!

Jay:
(to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we're losing them!

Will:
You make it sound as if we're about to attack them.

Jay:
What? I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that!

Simon:
So, no birds love that, then.

Jay:
Well, your mum loved it.

Simon:
Brilliant.

Simon:
It doesn't matter 'cause she's not coming.

Jay:
Who's not coming?

Simon:
Charlotte Hinchliffe.

Jay:
I'd make her cum. All over my face!

Charlotte:
(to Jay, with Will) OK then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh...without undressing.

Jay:
(repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!!

(he stops, as Charlotte and Will watch silently)

Jay:
...it's Crazy Frog...

Simon:
Can you not?

'Football Friend':
Alright Jay!

Jay:
Alright. Nice car!

'Football Friend':
Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.

Jay:
Yeah, it's well nice!

Simon:
[To Neil, so Jay can hear] Ooh friend.

Will:
Simon was right, he did still have his old friends...(Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) ...and he was welcome to them

Neil:
(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!

Jay:
(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!

Neil:
Blind date books!

Jay:
F*** the book with us, Simon!

Jay:
It's a sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.

Will:
It's a sense of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays... in England... with your parents!

Simon:
What should I text back?

Jay:
"Spread 'em. I'll be there in thirty minutes."

Will:
Or, "it was lovely to hear from you, I look forward to meeting up with you."

Jay:
"P.S. I'm a poofter."

Simon:
Its YOUR spunk!!

Neil:
But it's YOUR car!

Simon:
What...so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Will:
People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay, with the possible exception of your sister.

Jay:
Take that back.

Will:
Actually,I do take that back. As for your mum, she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Will:
(to Big John) John, stop eating the burgers!

Mr Sethi:
(quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy?

Jay:
(to Big John) Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the f*** up so we can get this over with!

Neil:
Any jobs for me?

Will:
Wash your hands afterwards!

Will:
(narrating) 'The next level up (from Dutch courage) is Dutch dickhead.'

"Big Johns in there! Hes got his hand on her tit!!"

Boy:
You're gonna die here, Will.

Will:
...OK.

Boy:
That briefcase makes me wanna punch you.

Will:
'Course it does.

Boy:
Briefcase wanker!!!!

Ride Attendant:
Room for one more at the front.

Will:
Sorry?

Ride Attendant:
One more. At the front.

Will:
How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?

Ride Attendant:
Well there's three people on the front, so there's a spare seat there-

Will:
Let's just rewind a bit, shall we? Why are there now three people at the front?

Ride Attendant:
Sir, if you could just get on-

Will:
(getting more and more angry) They've pushed in! We've been queueing for over an hour specifically for the front, and they've pushed in?

Ride Attendant:
Sir-

Will:
Get them off! Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in!

Simon:
(Aware of the scene now being created) Will, it doesn't matter. We'll sit at the back.

Ride Attendant:
Sir, if you could just-

Will:
Are they so dumb they think it's OK to push in? Make them move!

Jay:
Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.

Ride Attendant:
Sir, it's the last ride of the day, please get on.

Simon:
Will, honestly, it doesn't matter, just get on.

Will:
Fine, fucking fine! I'll just...I'll just get on. I'll just get on, and sit at the front (he sits at the front and straps himself in) next to these inconsiderate arseholes.

Will:
I'm the worst human being in the world.

Will v/o:
When I look back on my life, I'm pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn't find out who I'd insulted...

Simon:
They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no..."

Jay:
(laughing) Oh my god.

Simon:
Oh Will.

Jay:
Oh my God.

Will:
Don't...

Simon:
(trying not to laugh) "Arseholes"...

Jay:
(killing himself laughing) This is the best.

Neil:
You're going to Hell.

Will:
Please don't...

Neil:
[High-pitched] Friend.

Simon:
[High-pitched] Friend.

Neil:
[High-pitched] Friend!

Simon:
[High-pitched] Made-up football friend!

Jay:
[Angrily] Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!

[The lads stop in their tracks. They've come across the red car which belongs to 'Football Friend', parked near what we presume is his house.]

Simon:
[Normal voice] Hello, isn't that "Friend"'s car?

Neil:
[High-pitched, pointing at the car] Ooh, new rims car friend! [He puts his thumbs up too.]

Jay:
I'll show you how much of a friend he is. [He moves to the front of the car.] Fucking friend. [He climbs up onto the car bonnet.][In a slightly maniacal voice] Ooh friend! [He jumps; the car alarm goes off.] Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! [Jumping all the while]

Simon:
I never thought he'd get that wound up. [We see that 'Football Friend' is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what's happening.]

'Football Friend':
Jay, what you doin'?

Jay:
[Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping] Ooh friend! Friend! [Normal voice] I'm not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!

Jay:
(about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I've slung one up her a few times, myself.

Will:
And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her?

Jay:
Take a look around, there's loads of girls here! Over there! (points to a girl on a seesaw)

Simon:
She looks about 12, Jay.

Jay:
Nah, she's older than that...believe me.

[The boys are complaining about the wet seats in Simon's car]

Simon:
Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?

Neil:
It's not really new.

Simon:
[enquiringly] Did you wet yourself?

Neil:
No, but I did have a bird back in here.

Simon:
[alarmed] You fucked a girl in my car?

Neil:
No, it's too small. Did a lot of fingering though. She wanked me off a few times.

[All the boys groan in disgust]

John:
You didn't say please. What about opening up and trusting?

Jay:
Oh, fuck off you fat wanker.

[Jay wants Big John to serve him some food.]

Jay:
Oi, give us a burger.

John:
You could say please.

Jay:
Just give me one! I gotta be back up there in three minutes.

John:
Not until you say please. Manners cost nothing.

Jay:
Oh, for fuck's sake. Can I have a burger, please?

John:
Of course you can.

[Jay and John are conversing and midway into the conversation, Jay opens up to Big John.]

John:
My counsellor used to say that frustration often comes from wanting to be noticed.

Jay:
Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's probably why I exaggerate a bit.

John:
To feel special?

Jay:
Yeah. It's like sometimes I feel like the kids here don't pay attention to me. Like I'm so dumb that I don't matter. I guess making a few things up at least makes them notice.