The IT Crowd, Series 1

Roy Trenneman:
[picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.

Maurice Moss:
[picking up the phone] Hello, IT... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy:
No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?

Moss:
See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?

Roy:
Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her!

Roy:
I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!

Moss:
Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.

Roy:
It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed-

Moss:
They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.

Roy:
Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.

Moss:
Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?

Roy:
Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.

Moss:
What?! (Drops mug)

Roy:
What're you doing?!

Moss:
Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were we talking about?

Roy:
Her not knowing anything about computers.

Moss:
WHAT?! (drops mug)

Moss:
Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation!

Jen:
What situatuion? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?

Moss:
They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.

Roy:
Oh, it's not that bad.

Moss:
Come on, it's pretty bad.

TV Advert Narrator:
[Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999! 88199, 9119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]

Old Woman:
Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.

Moss:
[watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 88199 9119 725! [pauses] 3!

Roy:
[listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?

Moss:
You mean 999-

Roy:
Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.

Moss:
That's the American one, you burk!

Moss:
[holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest of the fire.

Moss:
[dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 - 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [deletes] "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Roy:
How do you know about this site?

Moss:
Oh, I'm a member.

Roy:
Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?

Moss:
I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

Roy:
Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!

Moss:
That's good.

Roy:
What's yours?

Moss:
Mine doesn't look any good now.

Roy:
Go on.

Moss:
I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!

Roy:
Might want to play a bit hard to get.

Roy:
[singing] We don't need no education.

Moss:
Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

Jen Barber:
How can you two live like this?

Moss:
[typing] How can you two...

Roy:
Don't Google the question, Moss!

Roy:
If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Jen:
Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

Roy:
[sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?

Roy:
While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area?

Jen:
Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

Roy:
That'd be trouser food!

[phone rings]

Roy:
[picking up] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?...have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I just realized that was my mother.

Jen:
Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Moss:
Smartie cereal.

Jen:
Oh my God. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.

Moss:
They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Roy:
I am a man, he's a man, we're men!

Jen:
Okay, tell me how you're feeling.

Roy:
[softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I think I'm ugly!

Jen:
I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

Moss:
Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]

Jen:
It's my term for my time of the month.

Roy:
Oh.

Moss:
What time of the month? The weekend?

Jen:
No.

Moss:
Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?

Roy:
Moss!

Jen:
You know, it's "high tide".

Moss:
But we're not on the coast.

Roy:
Moss!

Jen:
I'm "closed for maintenance"!

Moss:
Closed for maintenance?

Roy:
Moss!

Jen:
I've fallen to the communists!

Moss:
Well, they do have some strong arguments.

Roy:
[Finally putting it to words] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!

Moss:
Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room dumbfounded]

Moss:
You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?

Jen:
Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.

Moss:
But, the rainforest, and...

Jen:
What's wrong with you, Moss?

Moss:
Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.

Jen:
[laughs] What, still?

Moss:
Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!

Jen:
What's a desk-rabbit?

Moss:
I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

News Reporter:
(on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.