The Muppet Show, Season 5 (1980-1981)

Scooter:
Congratulations, Kermit.

Kermit the Frog:
On what?

Scooter:
That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down in Las Vegas.

Kermit the Frog:
[Gasp and shocked] Piggy, PIGGY?!?

Miss Piggy:
Yes, mon cheri?

Kermit the Frog:
Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?

Miss Piggy:
Um, well... what would make you think a thing like that?

Kermit the Frog:
That photographer who was just a slight exaggeration here. He was from Tongue Magazine.

Miss Piggy:
Oh. Well, it was just a teeny tiny item.

Kermit the Frog:
IT WAS A COVER STORY, ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!

Miss Piggy:
Well, it was a slight exaggeration.

Kermit the Frog:
THAT'S A BOLD-FACE LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHEN YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE DONE TOO ME TO MANY TIMES, PIGGY. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! NO, I WON'T STAND FOR IT!

Miss Piggy:
Then what are going to do?

Kermit the Frog:
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO "FIRE" YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED!!! [growls angrily from his meltdown]

Miss Piggy:
[shocked] You're kidding.

Kermit the Frog:
I am "not" kidding.

Captain Link Hogthrob:
HELP! WE BEEN ATTACKED BY A LITTLE GREEN MONSTER!!!

Doctor Julius Strangepork:
It's worse than that, We got two First Mate Piggies!

Fozzie Bear:
Simple Simon met a pieman! "Going to the fair?" said Simple Simon to the pieman!

Paul Simon:
Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.

Fozzie Bear:
To go where?

Paul Simon:
Well, here! [pies Fozzie Bear in the face]

Paul Simon:
I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.

Paul Simon:
You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you know.

Beauregard:
What are you gonna do?

Paul Simon:
I'm going to take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over! [the chickens flock to Paul]

Gonzo:
Oh no, you can't do this to me, come on, this is treason!

Gonzo:
Am I interrupting anything?

Paul Simon:
Hey Gonzo! Come on in!

Gonzo:
Thank you!

Paul Simon:
Can I tell you something?

Gonzo:
Sure.

Paul Simon:
You are my favourite muppet.

Gonzo:
Wow! Thank you, Paul. Is it alright if I call you Paul?

Paul Simon:
Oh yeah, sure.

Gonzo:
And you can call me Gonzo the Great! Well, that's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?

Paul Simon:
Which one of your songs?

Gonzo:
You don't think I'm musically educated?

Paul Simon:
Oh, I think you're musically educated, it's just that I—

Gonzo:
Good. Hand me that clarinet. [gestures to Paul's guitar]

Paul Simon:
Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favourite... clarinet, and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.

Gonzo:
But I'll-but I'll guard it with my life!

Paul Simon:
[sighs] I feared you would say that.

Fozzie Bear:
Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.

Floyd:
Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! [laughs]

Fozzie Bear:
Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.

Floyd:
Terrified? She's petrified! [laughs]

Gonzo:
Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, "Sandblasting Without Pain"! [laughs]

Floyd:
Hey, hey, Gonzo!

Gonzo:
Yeah?

Floyd:
Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?

Gonzo:
Worried about Kermit? Why?

Floyd:
Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! [laughs]

Kermit:
OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.

Floyd:
Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.

Kermit:
Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.

Miss Piggy:
[affectionally] Mmmmmmmm.

Floyd:
Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?

Kermit:
Burn them. [leaves to the stage]

Floyd:
[to Miss Piggy] You heard what the frog said. [strikes a match on her]

Miss Piggy:
[painfully] MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Floyd:
[laughs]

[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]

Miss Piggy:
Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! [Beaker exhales heavily and walks off] Because I can't understand it.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine] I've only got one thing to say! HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!! [Runs in a panic attack]

Carol Burnett:
Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.

Kermit:
What were the other two?

Carol Burnett:
There are no other two; I was just being kind.

[During the Opening number]

Archeologist:
Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.

Sacarogi:
When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!

Statler:
Well, It looks like time's running out for us.

Waldorf:
Yeah, And for the show, too.

Statler:
So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!

Kermit the Frog:
[As he goes on Stage] YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Hal Linden:
Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!

Waldorf:
It sure is.

Statler:
Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.

Hal Linden:
Has it really?

Kermit the Frog:
Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.

Hal Linden:
What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!

Kermit the Frog:
And Hal, You're a big part of it.

Hal Linden:
Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.

[Everybody laughs]

Waldorf:
Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. [exits the stage]

Statler:
We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! [exits the stage].

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on The Muppet Show.

Fozzie Bear:
Bye!

Waldorf:
How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?

Statler:
We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

Kermit the Frog:
You left out one rainbow song!

Debbie Harry:
I did? Which one?

Kermit the Frog:
My rainbow song!

Mrs. Appleby:
Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

Miss Piggy:
When will we get there?

Dr. Julius Strangepork:
In about 1 minute from, NOW!

[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]

News Anchor:
[As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm. [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

Beauregard:
You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!

Kermit the Frog:
UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! [(To the audience)] We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Statler:
Are you ready for the end of the world?

Waldorf:
Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

Kermit:
The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!