The Muppets, Season 1 (2015–16)

Kermit the Frog:
When Piggy starts interviewing the guest, that is your cue to stop playing.

Dr. Teeth:
Ahhhhhhhh, did not know that!

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, Bobo?

Bobo the Bear:
Yes, sir?

Kermit the Frog:
Listen, next time we do a sketch where Piggy flies across the stage, I think we should choose a wire that actually supports her weight.

Bobo the Bear:
Oh. Should've worked. It was a cable from a wrecking ball...

Kermit the Frog:
And one more thing, everybody. Uh, the crew that's shooting our behind-the-scenes documentary has asked us to be more available for those one-on-one interviews. Is that okay with everybody?

[various muppets express agreement as the camera cuts to Gonzo doing a one-on-one interview]

Gonzo:
One-on-one interviews? What an over-used device. You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different. I hate these interviews.

[cuts back to the production meeting]

Gonzo:
I love those interviews. Great device!

Fozzie Bear:
I'm Fozzie Bear, and it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes.  Ah!

Statler:
[in the audience, to Waldorf] Oh, God, we're gonna die of hypothermia.

Miss Piggy:
I'm not happy with the janitor knowing what I throw away. Can you have someone put a layer of generic trash over my private trash?

Kermit the Frog:
My life is a bacon-wrapped Hell on Earth.

Sam Eagle:
Can't say "Hell."

Fozzie Bear:
  [to Becky's mother, Holly]  This salmon is just terrific!

Carl (Becky's father):
  He likes the salmon—what a "surprise."

Carl:
  Alright, I'm just gonna be blunt:  What if you had children—how would you raise them?  Where would they go to the bathroom—in the woods?

Fozzie Bear:
  [angered]  Okay, that is an offensive stereotype!

Janice:
  Did you know the original name of the band was Imagine Dragons?

Floyd Pepper:
  That is their name.

Janice:
  I know, they kept it.

Floyd Pepper:
  I'm not signing.  Birthdays are just a bogus holiday created by greeting card companies!

Fozzie:
Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this... I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!

Gonzo:
Oh, I get those spam emails all the time. You know, from my "mother," who is "stuck over seas," "needs money"... you just delete them.

Kermit the Frog:
But, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?

Gonzo:
Yeah, and I'm a little worried; I haven't heard from her in a while.

Kermit the Frog:
  [to the camera]  We've created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy's moods.  Green: she's calm.  But we've never been at green. Yellow: she's in tears. Orange: I'M in tears. And with a "Code Red", if she locks eyes with you, it's already too late.

[Kermit, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly are hiding under a desk as Miss Piggy goes on a rampage]

Miss Piggy:
WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

Kermit the Frog:
I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly:
I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly:
Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

Miss Piggy:
LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

Kermit the Frog:
What is going on?

Scooter:
The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly:
Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

Miss Piggy:
  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

[Miss Piggy leaves]

Kermit the Frog:
Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

[Everyone emerges to find the office in ruins.]

Scooter:
Whoa.

[Dr. Bunsen Honeydew whimpers. Kermit, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly turn to see that he is holding a calendar with a pen sticking out of it]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly:
You've got to find that pig a date.

Bobo the Bear:
Hey guys, hey guys, it's that time of year again! I'm selling cookies for my daughter's troop so she can win a mountain bike.

Uncle Deadly:
We are only interested if you have a box of dreamy dates.

Bobo the Bear:
Ooh, well, the Fudge-Alongs have raisins. I mean, they're not dates, but they are also a sun-dried fruit.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Kermit has cooked up some kind of plan to make the Grobans and Piggy fall in love during the music... It's a stupid idea, but I love it. [chuckles] Mostly because I LOVE love...

Kermit the Frog:
Now, I'm not saying that I solved everything because Josh took Piggy to the Peoples' Choice Awards... But if they ever build an Executive Producers' Hall of Fame, I think you'll be entering through the Kermit the Frog Pavilion. I mean, since they've been going out, I've been waking out to the sound of my alarm instead of my own screams! Do you know what that means? For the first time ever, we're at a Code Green! YAAAAAAY!

[on Up Late with Miss Piggy]

Miss Piggy:
  Does it make you angry that libraries are giving away your book for free?  You make nothing while libraries make millions?

Reza Aslan:
  I don't…think that's right.

Miss Piggy:
  I totally agree.  Libraries have had it too good for too long!

Reza Aslan:
  [stunned silence]

Fozzie Bear:
Jay Leno's candy dish... Oh, if this candy dish could talk...

Pepe the King Prawn:
Yeah, you would have a talking candy dish, and maybe that would have been impressive, okay.

Rizzo the Rat:
You're not worried about getting caught? Those rich people have security cameras everywhere!

Fozzie Bear:
Yeah, but he wouldn't care about a BOWL. I mean, he probably put it out so I would take it! What about THAT theory, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Dr. Teeth:
Quality-wise, the show was prison sushi. But the rest of the day, with Piggy being all chill? That was GAS STATION sushi!

Lips:
And we love us some gas station sushi!

Scooter:
Piggy's been so great, I've been skipping my pre-show cry!

Animal:
YOU pre-show cry? ANIMAL pre-show cry!

[Kermit has just announced that he will be getting rid of Josh Groban despite the rest of the crew's protests]

Rizzo the Rat:
Hey, there's, like, twenty of us. Why didn't we stop him?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Hmmm... Perhaps our happiness has made us too soft.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Interesting...

Kermit:
[driving around in a golf cart] Sometimes, when I'm really frustrated and need to clear my head, I just get into my golf cart and floor it around the lot. Speed limit's five miles per hour, but I'll go six or seven, I don't care.

Scooter:
  Well, uh…have you checked with the band?  Uh, I bet they'd, uh, be happy to buy your cookies.

Bobo the Bear:
  Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah—those guys are always happy.

Scooter:
  Yeah.  Legally, now.

[Cut to the Electric Mayhem eating cookies that they just bought from Bobo]

Animal:
More boxes! More boxes!

Bobo:
More boxes? Screw the mountain bike, my daughter's gettin' a Prius! [chuckles]

Kermit the Frog:
  She hates surprises! Did you know about this?

Gonzo:
  Christina Applegate brought in a hilarious clip of Piggy.  I knew you wouldn't approve it, so I went over your head.

Kermit the Frog:
  [scoffs]  I'm the boss.

Gonzo:
  Oh, that's right—so I went behind your back.

[Fozzie has just announced that he is leaving the show to write a movie]

Yolanda the Rat:
[to Kermit] Did you have something to do with this?

Kermit the Frog:
What makes you think that?

Fozzie Bear:
And it's all thanks to the encouragement of my dear friend!

Kermit the Frog:
He's got lots of friends.

Fozzie Bear:
Kermit the Frog!

Kermit the Frog:
  Kermit's, like, the third most common frog name in America.

Kermit the Frog:
You're a good comedian, but you're not a writer.

Fozzie Bear:
So you LIED to me?

Kermit the Frog:
I didn't want to hurt your feelings... So please just turn around and come back, okay?

Fozzie Bear:
  No, no, because I am a writer.  You don't have to believe in me; I believe in me!  Oh, you see, that-that's good dialogue right there.

Kermit the Frog:
  Uh, honestly, it's a little contrived. Where are you going, anyway?

Fozzie Bear:
Nope, I'm off the grid! And you'll never find me!

Fozzie's GPS:
Turn right at Big Bear Road. In 0.2 miles, your destination is on the left.

[Kermit hears this and begins to write down the address]

Fozzie Bear:
That lady's lying! Good-bye! [tries to hang up phone]

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, I'm still here.

Fozzie Bear:
Oh yeah? Well, good-bye! [tries to hang up phone again]

Kermit the Frog:
Still here.

Fozzie Bear:
I don't know how to hang this thing up when it's on the map. This always happens.

Kermit the Frog:
Okay, hit the home button, then the phone icon and then the red button.

Fozzie Bear:
Okay, home button, phone icon, red button, aaaaaaaaaand... We're at Angry Birds. [sighs]

Kermit the Frog:
(to the camera) It's been 30 minutes.

Fozzie Bear:
Can I get $7.00 on pump 3, please?

[Pepe, Rizzo and Chip have just discovered an e-mail that Gonzo is sending to a girl]

Gonzo:
Look, she's just a girl I met online. It's no big deal.

Chip:
Hey, that contradicts a previous e-mail where you described her as a healing ray of sunshine on your wounded soul.

Rizzo the Rat:
Woo-hoo!

Chip:
Busted!

Gonzo:
Will you STOP READING MY STUFF?!

Rizzo the Rat:
Hey, hey, hey, don't yell at the guy, he's trying to fix your computer!

Fozzie Bear:
  You ever been shot with a tranquilizer dart, Kermit?

Kermit the Frog:
  Well, no, but I did lick my third cousin once and the walls started melting, so I feel ya, bro.

Fozzie Bear:
  [after being heckled by Statler]  Hey, this is where I make the jokes.

Waldorf:
  We're ready when you are.

Janice:
  Oh, um, hey, Kermit?

Kermit the Frog:
  Yeah?

Janice:
  Uh, there's a lecture on astral projection next Friday…

Kermit the Frog:
  Oh, oh!  So you want the day off?

Janice:
  No, I'll be here.  I just wanted you to know I'll be there, too.

Sam Eagle:
  [to the camera]  Did you hear that?  Janice just said, "Hey, Sam."  Now, that could mean one of two things: "Hello to you, my colleague Sam," or the more obvious, "I've loved you for a million lifetimes."  [sighs]

Kermit the Frog:
  Piggy, be rational.

Miss Piggy:
  Oh, Kermit, that doesn't sound like me at all.

Fozzie Bear:
  You know, it's so hot in Phoenix that—[pauses; melancholily]  Aw, who cares?  We're all just hanging by a thread.  Tomorrow's promised to no one.  Enjoy the show.

Waldorf:
  Bravo!

Miss Piggy:
  Do these diamonds make me look relatable?

Statler:
  Oh, it hurts to laugh.  [looks to Fozzie Bear]  I guess I'm safe with you in the room.

Floyd Pepper:
  Hey, uh, where do I know you from?

Ed Helms:
  I don't know, maybe The Office?

Floyd Pepper:
  Oh, oh, we work together.  Oh, man, I'm sorry, brother.  I'm Floyd, I'm with the band.  Hey, it's good to see ya, again!  Have a drink!

Ed Helms:
  Okay.

[Fozzie has just discovered that Statler tricked him and was not really injured. He is now driving in his car]

Fozzie Bear:
Every forest ranger will tell you the same thing. Most bear attacks do NOT happen because of hunger. They happen because some bear had his feelings hurt.

Ed Helms:
  [to Piggy and Scooter]  Uh, excuse me, I don't know whether or not you folks have considered whether or not you should keep believing, but I say [sings] don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin'…

Kermit the Frog:
Welcome to the Morning Meeting, everybody... or should I say the "Whenever You Decide to Show Up" Meeting?

Floyd Pepper:
Uh, is that the official name now? That works a LOT better for us...

Kermit the Frog:
  Okay, okay, look.  You guys all had your fun but now it's time to work.

The Swedish Chef:
  [mocks Kermit in a Swedish accent]

Kermit the Frog:
  Who said that?  Which one of you said that?

Kermit the Frog:
  [to the camera]  So, big guest tonight on Up Late: we have Reese Witherspoon for the first time, but, uh, honestly, I'm a little nervous.  Y'know, but, nerves are good; they keep you sharp.  My cousin, Albert, used to tease me about it, then a hawk carried him off, which, uh, simultaneously proved my point and ruined our camping trip.

Miss Piggy:
  I know what it's like to work with my hands: I grew up on a farm.  I built cows and milked fences.

Reese Witherspoon:
  I think you mean—

Miss Piggy:
  No, that's what I did!

Reese Witherspoon:
  [to the camera]  I'm not afraid of Miss Piggy.  She doesn't know what she's up against.  I mean, did you see my movie Wild?  I did all my own walking in that movie, so…

Kermit the Frog:
  This thing with Reese is everywhere; it's a P. R. nightmare!

Miss Piggy:
  [irritated]  Not now.

Kermit the Frog:
  It's the only video North Korea's allowing it's people to see—other than the one of the Supreme Leader swimming.

Miss Piggy:
  [sobbing]  I'm so embarrassed!  How could something like getting-revenge-on-a-person take such a dark turn?

Kermit the Frog:
  Okay, look, don't-don't worry, I'll, uh, I-I'll put out a press release to explain your behavior.  Are-are you more comfortable with sun poisoning or demonic possession?

Miss Piggy:
  [stops sobbing]  No, wait, there is only one way out of this.

Kermit the Frog:
  Delusional dehydration?  That sounds like a thing.

Miss Piggy:
  [on Up Late with Miss Piggy to Reese Witherspoon]  And I have a couple of words to say to you.

Kermit the Frog:
  [offstage, to himself]  Oh, please let those two words be "I'm sorry."

Sam Eagle:
  [with his wing above a red buzzer]  I'm ready to bleep if they're not.

Animal:
  Oh, oh!  Animal always want to perform with live snakes, but Zoot big baby.

Kristin Chenoweth:
  How long have they been married?

Janice:
  Oh, wow, like, how can you measure the intertwining of two souls?

Kristin Chenoweth:
  In years.

Janice:
  Oh, then forty.

Floyd Pepper:
  Aw, come on, Chenoweth, sing at the party!

Animal:
  Yeah, yeah!

Floyd Pepper:
  Look, my parents mean so much to me, without them, I don't even think I'd be here.

Kristin Chenoweth:
  [giggles]  Okay, I had so much fun with you guys and I'm open tomorrow so, yeah, let's do it.

Zoot:
  Well, thanks for nothing, Kristin Chenoweth; your selfishness just broke and old couple's heart.

Janice:
  [whispering]  She said "yes".

Zoot:
  Withdrawn.

Gonzo:
  Oh, what about a scale?  That would be thoughtful.  Girls are always asking if they look fat; with a scale, they can know for sure.

Gonzo:
  Well, what about a bag of socks?  They're cheap, and if she hates 'em and throws 'em at you, it's not gonna hurt—like that scale did.

[Scooter and Kermit are at Color Me Mine]

Scooter:
You're gonna start with orange?

Kermit:
What's wrong with orange?

Scooter:
  Nothing, uh, orange is great if you're painting a, um…a, um…a, um…an orange.

[Kermit has completed a plate featuring him and Denise on their first date]

Scooter:
So you went to the zoo on your first date?

Kermit:
Uh, no, it's a coffee shop.

Scooter:
Oh. Uh, why is there a hippo?

Kermit:
That's a table.

Scooter:
Oh, it was a safari-themed coffee shop! Got it. I guess that explains the giraffe.

Kermit:
[looks at plate That's Denise!

Scooter:
Why is her neck so long?

Kermit:
Scooter, necks are HARD! I... [sighs] Whoopsie Bin?

Scooter:
[takes plate] Yep.

Kristin Chenoweth:
  Uh, question—about my seat belt.  I think it's just a guitar strap, uh, connected to—nothing.

Janice:
  Everything's connected to something, if you think about it.

Kristin Chenoweth:
  Okay, I would just feel safer if mine were, uh, you know, connected to the van in some way, and not just air.

Janice:
  Your van?  Last I checked, this van belonged to the universe.

Dr. Teeth:
  Oh, is that so?  Well, maybe next payday, the universe can cut you a cheque.

Zoot:
Wait, what?

Animal:
You guys get PAID?!

Floyd Pepper:
  [to Dr. Teeth]  You know what your problem is?  You think the whole world revolves around you, but it doesn't! It revolves around the moon, which is why we have winter!

Kermit:
  [to Miss Piggy]   What took you so long!?  I ate so much sushi, they named a roll after me.  It was eel and cream cheese, it's awful!

Kermit:
  Okay, okay, listen.  Somebody help the chef get this butter on ice and could we plea—  For Pete's sake, Animal, could you play any louder?!

Animal:
  Louder?  Okay!

Kermit:
  [stumbling on his words]  No, not, just—

Gonzo:
  So, Kermit, we got a great sketch for Patrick Dempsey.

Kermit:
  Oh, no, Dempsey's out.  We're going with a big block of butter.

Rizzo the Rat:
  Okay, we'll just tweak it.  Piggy's having a dream where she's making out with a big block of butter.

Kermit:
  Hmm?

Rizzo the Rat:
  Huh, it's actually funnier.

Gonzo:
  Yeah.

Pepe the King Prawn:
  And more realistic.

Bobo the Bear:
  I was a mechanic back in the service—

Kermit:
  Mm-hmm.

Bobo the Bear:
  —and if you think about it, elevators and helicopters are basically the same thing.

Fozzie Bear:
  [yelling up after having fallen down an elevator shaft]  I think something's wrong with the elevator.

Janice:
  I can totally soothe that burn with this healing crystal.

Sam the Eagle:
So, um, do you snorkel?

Janice:
Oh, never! Snorkelling is an invasion of fish privacy.

Sam the Eagle:
Mmm, yes, which is why I always yell, "Are you decent?" before I jump in the water.

Kermit:
  I just want everybody to know that I am fine.

[various Muppets express peace of mind]

Zoot:
  Are you sure?  You look a little green.

Kermit:
  I'm always green, Zoot.

Zoot:
  Oh!  You look great, then.

Scooter:
I have so many people to thank, um, starting with Great-Grammy Zuzka and her eleven sisters... Katrinka, Madlenka...

Kermit:
All right, Scooter, that's enough. I got to go. [leaves]

Scooter:
And Patoonki! She made good soup...

Scooter:
  [to the camera]  I can't let Kermit down, he's my father—uh, uh, uh mentor!  Mentor!  [to himself]  "Mentor," "mentor," "mentor."

Jason Bateman:
  Oh, hey, Kermit—the Frog.

Kermit:
  Jason the Bateman.

Bunsen Honeydew:
  My experiments in cryogenics cost me my Chair at Berkley.

Bobo the Bear:
  Stage lighting, helicopters—they're basically the same thing.

Scooter:
  "Hang in there."  What do you know about real problems?  You're a kitten who's a model!

Gonzo:
  What is the oldest saying in Hollywood?

Scooter:
  Uh…"This is where we should put Hollywood"?

Gonzo:
  No, "The show must go on."

Scooter:
  Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists?

Sam Eagle:
  So, I was thinking, you like Hawaiʻi…I like Hawaiʻi…maybe we…

Janice:
  You're on fire.

Sam Eagle:
  Oh, why, thank you.  [notices he is literally on fire, exits screaming]

Rowlf the Dog:
  Well, when I'm having a tough day, I go home, draw myself a hot bath, get out, run around the house like a maniac, and chew on an old shoe.

Kermit:
  [singing "Rainbow Connection"]  Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

Phil:
  [offscreen, presumably from an adjacent yard]  Learn a new song!

Kermit:
  Chill out, Phil!  [resumes song]

[Chelsea Handler is being interviewed on Up Late with Miss Piggy; Scooter is offstage watching]

Chelsea Handler:
  I think I'm looking for—and I'm finally willing to admit it—is just somebody who's nice and has a steady job.

Scooter:
  [to himself]  Wait, I'm a nice guy with a steady job.

Chelsea Handler:
  You know, some sweetheart who's thoughtful and optimistic.

Scooter:
  [to himself]  Oh, my God, she's describing me.

Chelsea Handler:
  I guess I'm just looking for a kind, lovable dork.

Scooter:
  [to himself]  Darn it, so close!

Scooter:
  Cheese and crackers, I am a dork.

Scooter:
  [describing Chelsea Handler to Chelsea Handler]  Beautiful and wise, just like my mmm—[clears throat]—you.

Rowlf the Dog:
  Who succeeded President William McKinley after he was assassinated in 1901?  Hint: it wasn't a dog; canine-Americans still can't hold public office.

Fozzie Bear:
  Guys, it's a trick question:  McKinley's a mountain, not a president, but Mount Rushmore is four presidents; ergo, the answer is President Rushmore!

Fozzie Bear:
  You are like the Internet.

Becky:
  Oh, thank you.

Scooter:
  [on a date]  So, Chelsea, you strike me as someone who grew up in Livingston, New Jersey, and is the youngest of six children.

Pepe the King Prawn:
  Well, you must trust your heart—

Rizzo the Rat:
  Yeah.

Pepe the King Prawn:
  —because your heart is never wrong.

Rizzo the Rat:
  That's true.

Scooter:
  Yeah, yeah.  She got way too physical way too fast.  [Rizzo the Rat does a spit-take]

Pepe the King Prawn:
  I stand corrected: your heart is very, very stupid.

Bobo the Bear:
  Hug?

Kermit:
  Please. [Kermit and Bobo hug]

Bobo the Bear:
  Bring it in. There you go. [Uncle Deadly takes a picture with his phone from behind]

Miss Piggy:
  I lost a lot of money on the shower gel.  Still a mystery to me why nobody bought Hogwash™.

Kermit:
  [looking at a bottle of Piggy Water™]  "Thirty grammes of fat"?  It's water.

[on Up Late with Miss Piggy]

Miss Piggy:
  Now, I understand you started out as a child-actor.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt:
  Mm-hmm.

Miss Piggy:
  Why'd you give that up?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt:
  Uh…well, I got older.

Miss Piggy:
  What, are you crazy?  Don't admit that on t. v.

Gonzo:
  No, no.  My nose is the only bone in my body I haven't broken; that's why it looks so good.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt:
  That, my dear prawn, is called acting!  You're looking at the guy who played Bruce Willis in the future playing himself in the past!—or something like that; I never really understood the plot. This is a reference to Looper.

Miss Piggy:
  He's on my list.

Kermit:
  Piggy, couldn't you give the list a rest?  Haven't you ever heard of forgive and forget?

Miss Piggy:
  Who said that?  Whoever[sic] it was, I'm putting them[sic] on my list.

Zoot:
  Is that the real moon, or just a department-store one?

Floyd Pepper:
  Ain't no real moon—not since the '70s.

Zoot:
  [referring to Floyd Pepper's friend Eddie's time machine]  Yeah, he let's me use it on weekends.  I climb in there on Friday; when I get out, it's Saturday.  The whole thing takes about a day.

Kermit the Frog:
  You know what my dream is, Gonzo?  That my friends know they can tell me anything and I'll never judge 'em.

Gonzo:
  Wow, Kermit.  That is a very boring dream.

Dave Grohl:
  So, you guys remember how we did it in rehearsal?

Janice:
  Oh, we'd like to do it different from rehearsal.

Dave Grohl:
  Okay; well, then, why did we even rehearse?

Floyd Pepper:
  Oh, 'cause if we don't rehearse, then there's nothin' to do it different from.

Dave Grohl:
  [smiles]  Y'know, I actually dig that.

Dave Grohl:
  [sitting behind a drum kit]  I've been waitin' years for this, Animal.

Animal:
  [sitting behind a drum kit]  Now we see who best!

Animal:
  Christmas in my belly!

Scooter:
  Any chance we could push the Christmas show to Spring?

Sam Eagle:
  Mistletoe: a seasonally-appropriate way to finally jump-start my relationship with Janice.

Rizzo the Rat:
  There's something sexy about being able to see a lady's back hair, you know.

Big Mean Carl:
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, 'cause I told him to shut up!

Uncle Deadly:
  Can: open.  Worms: everywhere.

Miss Piggy:
  I was upset, so I had a little brie.  And a little havarti.  And…some cheddar; maybe a bit of camembert—  Anyway…

[in a Capital One commercial that aired during this episode]

Charles Barkley:
  Sometimes you bring home the bacon, sometimes the bacon brings you home.

Kermit the Frog:
  Too true.

Miss Piggy:
  Watch it, Chuckie!

Rizzo the Rat:
[about Camilla the Chicken] I think she said something about staying home tonight to watch Chicken Run again.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Who can tell? It's just a series of "bawk"s.

[Kermit, Miss Piggy, Robin, Scooter, Fozzie, and Sweetums are playing Laser Tag]

Scooter:
[to Kermit and Piggy] I'm so glad you guys are back together!

Robin:
What do you mean "back together"?

[Kermit and Miss Piggy zap Scooter with their laser guns]

Scooter:
Hey, I'm on your team!

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, sorry.

Miss Piggy:
Must've slipped.

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah.

Scooter:
Hey, look, a news crew's here!

Miss Piggy:
What?

Scooter:
Yeah, they must've seen my tweets about you guys being back together. I got a ton of new followers! It's gonna drive so much traffic to my Pinterest page about miniature horses! [notices that Kermit and Miss Piggy have run away] Guys? Hey, where'd they go?

Robin:
Gee, I don't know.

Scooter:
NOOOOOOOO! You've made me the first person in the world to lie on Twitter!

Doctor:
You're not doing your show tonight. I have to operate on that leg, and you can't wear makeup during surgery.

Miss Piggy:
Surgery?

Kermit the Frog:
No show?

Uncle Deadly:
No MAKEUP? Could we get a second opinion?

Scooter:
Why is Piggy talking like my aunt who lives in a pay-by-the-hour motel?!

[The Muppets are discussing whether or not Kermit and Piggy should get back together]

Sam Eagle:
The office is no place for romance! That's why I am a lifelong member of Team Friendship!

Janice:
Um, I, like, like friendship, but I, like, LOVE love, so, like, I'm on Team Love.

Sam Eagle:
Me too! Uh... Boo, Team Friendship. Boooooooo!

Uncle Deadly:
All right, where is the frog? I'm dealing with Restless Pig Syndrome.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Well, tell Piggy to hold her horses, okay? Kermit is working on something very big to show how much he loves her.

Uncle Deadly:
Ooh! [leaves]

Yolanda Rat:
But, Pepe...

Pepe the King Prawn:
But, LOVE.

Yolanda Rat:
But, Pepe...

Pepe the King Prawn:
I SAID "BUT LOVE"! [sprays her with perfume and leaves]

[Piggy and Kermit are on a flight to Thailand]

Miss Piggy:
Kermit? What are you doing here?

Kermit the Frog:
Well, I'm here, Piggy, because I know. I know it's risky, and I want to try anyway. And on top of that, I know that this airline does not serve pre-flight calzones... And, uh, that's because no airline serves pre-flight calzones.

Miss Piggy:
What? They had one on our flight to Miami...

Kermit the Frog:
No, that was me.

Miss Piggy:
But they had one on our flight to...

Kermit the Frog:
That was me, too.

Miss Piggy:
I went to Argentina all by myself...

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, I slipped a calzone to the flight attendant.