The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Season 2

Trevor:
[talking about a painting] This is either a work of staggering genius or it was painted by a cat.

London:
How does he hold the brush?

[Inside Cody's closet]

Bob:
Isn't this awesome?

Jeremy:
It's like a little house.

Warren:
It's elegant yet casual.

Bob:
It's sophisticated yet tasteful.

Zack:
I think it's stupid yet stupid.

London:
Nope. Except what I said about the banana nut muffins. I really do love them. They're soft from the banana yet crunchy from the nuts.

Trevor:
(turns to Maddie)

Maddie:
It doesn't get any deeper than that. Good news is, nut girl would probably vote for you unlike me.

Trevor:
Oh yeah? Well I don't need the vote of some tree hugger.

Maddie:
If you have it your way there won't be any trees left to hug.

Trevor:
Next you're going to blame the oil companies for global warming.

Maddie:
Yes, because they're to blame!

Trevor:
Oh, cry me a river!

Maddie:
If I did you'd pollute it!

Trevor:
You bleeding heart liberal!

Maddie:
Establishment puppet!

Trevor:
Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?

Maddie:
I'm surprised that someone as smart as you would have to ask! (kisses Trevor)

London:
(turns to a guy) Wow, didn't see that coming.

Maddie:
(lets go) I hate you!

Trevor:
I hate you more! (kisses Maddie again)

London:
I wonder what'd they do if they liked each other.

London:
[looking at Trevor] Oooh, that nerd's cute.

Maddie:
Yeah, he is!

London:
Called him!

Maddie:
Oh, please. Like that guy would give you the time of day.

London:
Why would I ask him what time it is?

Maddie:
You got me!

London:
[approaches Trevor] Hi!

Trevor:
Hi.

London:
Are you here for the merit scholar thing?

Trevor:
Yeah, yeah, I'm Trevor, Phi Beta Kappa.

London:
I'm London. Buy Lots'o'Stuff'a.

Cody:
Where have you been? I asked you to get me some more dust rags half an hour ago!

Zack:
I couldn't find any.

Cody:
Where did you look?

Zack:
The refrigerator. All I found was two bagels, a soda and some cheese balls.

Cody:
The guys will be here any minute. Get the game board.

Zack:
Ok.

Cody:
[drops a coin on his perfectly done bed] Perfect! [turns back to see Zack's bed covered with different objects] Wow! What the... How the... I was just...

Zack:
Found it!

Cody:
The game board?

Zack:
And the other half of my sandwich!

Cody:
If mum sees this, she'll be ticked. And I am not, repeat - NOT...

Zack:
Not.

Cody:
Cleaning this up again.

Zack:
Fine.

Cody:
I'm not.

Zack:
Ok.

Cody:
I mean it.

Zack:
I know.

Cody:
I've got to clean it up!!

Trevor:
And then she said "who" instead of "whom". I'm not a grammar snob, but it's just egregious when somebody uses the subjective case instead of the accusative case, hahaha!

London:
[understanding nothing] Hahahaha! Will you accuse me for one moment? [approaches Maddie] Maddie, help me! I can't get through this lunch.

Maddie:
Uh! ok. The fork is the one with the pointy end.

London:
No, look I mean I can't understand a single thing he says. Give me my opinion on something.

Maddie:
Oh. Just tell him your favorite composer is Bach.

London:
Where's he been?

Maddie:
He's dead.

London:
So he came Bach from the dead?

Carey:
OK guys. That's it. You've got to clean up. Cody, get to work. Zack, get a bulldozer.

London:
[to a purse snatcher] You can't have this purse! It doesn't match your outfit!

[Bob comes into the lobby and sees Cody chasing Zack.]

Bob:
Where are they going?

Moseby:
With any luck, the Bermuda Triangle

Cody:
How do I look? And be brutal.

Zack:
Like a backstabbing French-girl-stealing jerk in a goofy sweater vest.

Cody:
You really think it looks goofy?

Cody:
I know what you're up to! Don't think for one second I don't know what you're up to! I know exactly what you're up to! What are you up to??

Cody:
I wanna ask Jolie out. Can you translate for me?

Mr. Moseby:
I'd rather lick the inside of a city bus.

London:
You never gave up on me when I was learning the alphabet!

Moseby:
But that took 14 years!

London:
And now I know my ABDs.

Esteban:
[sings] Rock-a-bye, chicken, in the tree top. Watch out for the farmer. Your head he will chop. [the children start crying]

Zack:
Don't you know any lullabies that don't involve decapitating poultry?

Johnny:
Do you like coloring?

Cody:
I sure do, little one! In the first grade, I won a free ice cream sundae for my work on the "Enchanted Pony Island Coloring Book"!

Johnny:
You're weird.

Zack:
He's got you pegged.

[Johnny kicks Cody's shin]

Cody:
Ow! Little boy, don't you know it's not nice to kick people in the shin?

[Johnny steps on Cody's foot]

Cody:
Ow! Look, Kid, I know Santa, and someone just made the Naughty List!

Johnny:
I'm Jewish!

Zack:
Hey, look Maddie. I'm recycling. Do you know why? 'Cause I love this planet as much as I love you.

[Maddie rubs hair of Zack]

Maddie:
Good for you.

Zack:
(to Cody) She wants me.

Carey:
I am so pleased that you boys care about the environment.

Zack:
Hey, recycling cans is important, and I love this planet, and I want our children to live in a better place...

Cody:
Maddie is not here.

Zack:
[handing Cody a bag of cans] Oh... Then you carry this junk.

Zack:
Did I ever tell you how pretty you are when you're angry?

Maddie:
Well, I must be gorgeous because I'm furious!

Cody:
Zack, stuff the chicken with vegetables!

Zack:
What if she doesn't like them?

Cody:
She's dead.

Zack:
Well, then, that'll make it easier!

Cody:
London, get out there and toss a salad.

London:
At who?

Zack:
Cody! There's a supermodel checking in! Come on!

Cody:
I can't. I have a hot duck in the oven.

Zack:
Well, I have a hot blonde in the lobby. Which is more important?

Moseby:
Cody, you hang out in the hotel kitchen a lot, don't you?

Cody:
Yes!

Moseby:
Well, don't. I just got a tip that the food critic Bernard Bernaise is coming to the hotel tomorrow. A good review from him will enhance the Tipton's reputation, thus showering me with glory.

Cody:
Don't you mean showering chef Paolo in glory?

Moseby:
Him, too.

Cody:
After all, the man's a genius. The things he can do with asparagus... I need a moment...

Zack:
You need a life!

London:
Is the critic here yet?

Moseby:
Oh, well, there's no way of knowing. According to my secret source, he always checks in under an alias.

Maddie:
You have a secret source?

Moseby:
At the league of extraordinary hotel managers. If only I could find out which guest he is, then I could make sure he gets the perfect dining experience.

Maddie:
So what you are saying is you need someone to spy on all the guests?

London:
Someone sly and crafty.

Moseby:
Someone who's willing to break all the rules to get what he wants.

[They turn towards Zack and Cody]

Zack:
You know... we don't come cheap!

Patrick:
Garry and Richard are the only waiters who can do table-side service.

Cody:
London! Get Garry and get Rich.

London:
I'm already rich.

Maddie:
London, lettuce.

London:
Let us what?

Cody:
My poor Seafood Medley...

Zack:
It's seafood deadly now!

Moseby:
[talking to Mr. Tipton on cell phone] No, sir, that's Mrs. Delacourt.

Mrs. Delacourt:
[talks into phone] Of the Boston Delacourts. We own the larger island next to yours. By the way, your yacht looks a tad ratty!

Maddie:
[about the replacement brooch] London, that is not the point. This one doesn't have sentimental value.

London:
That's right. It has dollar-mental value.

Cody:
You know, Tim always obeys me.

Zack:
He's a rock!

Zack:
You don't have to do everything Mr. Moseby says. We like to think of his rules more as... suggestions.

Carey:
If I give you guys pets, will you stop bugging me?

Twins:
Yes.

Carey:
Pet rocks. Don't overfeed them.

Cody:
I'm gonna name mine Tim.

Carey:
You're gonna write those girls an apology and an essay on why peeping is wrong. Five hundred words each.

Zack:
Five hundred words? Couldn't you just ground us?

Carey:
One thousand.

Zack:
One thousand!

Carey:
Two thousand. You wanna go for three?

Cody:
Quit while we're behind. You don't even know three thousand words.

Cody:
(after lamp hits wall) Oh no!

Zack:
Wonder what Mr. Moseby will say?

Mr. Moseby:
(appearing in doorway) I don't know. Let's ask him.

Corrie:
I can't believe London Tipton is in our English class.

London:
(to Mary-Margaret) She scares me.

Corrie:
I scare London Tipton!

Maddie:
This is the cafeteria. What do you want for breakfast, London? London?

London:
I look horrible.

Maddie:
We're all wearing the same thing.

London:
You look horrible too.

London:
(to Maddie) Thanks to you, Mary-Margaret and I can't go to the fashion show. I hate you.

Mary-Margaret:
You were gonna take me?

London:
Yeah.

Mary-Margaret:
(to Maddie) I hate you too.

London:
What are you doing?

Maddie:
Homework.

London:
There was school today!? But I thought it was a long weekend.

Maddie:
...It's Wednesday.

London:
Oh so it's almost the weekend again! Well, no point in going now!

Mr. Moseby:
London, I have a message from your father. He is outraged by your poor attendance record at school.

London:
How'd he find out?

Mr. Moseby:
He went to your school open house and they've never heard of you.

London:
[gasps] Daddy went to open house? He does care!

Mr. Moseby:
He cares so much he's having you transferred to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

Maddie:
That's funny. My school has the same name! What are the odds!? [laughs]

[Moseby nods and Maddie starts sobbing]

Cody:
Promise me that nobody will get hurt.

Maddie:
I can't make that promise!

Cody:
Oddly, I'm OK with that.

Zack:
Hey, Maddie, I'm running for class president!

Maddie:
Great! What's your platform?

Zack:
"Vote for Zack."

Maddie:
No, that's your slogan. Your platform covers the issues you care about. What do you care about most?

Zack:
I care about people who vote for Zack!

Zack:
You back-stabbing lowlife jerk!

Carey:
You better be talking to him.

Zack:
I am.

Carey:
Well, don't talk to him like that.

Zack:
Cody actually has some very good ideas. I've got nothing.

Bob:
What about ice cream and skate parks? (crowd agrees)

Zack:
Like that'll happen. What do you guys still believe in, the Tooth Fairy?

Arwin:
I for one am voting for Cody.

Max:
You don't go to school here.

Arwin:
Oh. Well if I went to school here, I'd vote for Cody.

Arwin:
(about the 24-hour bellhop) This will increase efficiency by 13.4%.

Moseby:
How did you arrive at that figure?

Arwin:
I made it up.

Carey:
Having a younger sibling can be tough. I remember torturing my younger sister.

Moseby:
I didn't know you had a sister.

Carey:
Yeah. She doesn't talk to me any more.

Cody:
It's about doing your homework, eating your broccoli when Mom isn't looking!

Zack:
You offered it to me!

Cody:
Yeah, because that's what brothers do for each other! But it's never reciprocal!

Zack:
Huh?

Cody:
Reciprocal means it would be nice if you did something for me for a change!

Zack:
I did! You offered me money and I took it!

Carey:
With what I made last month and with what you spent. What we have left for bikes is -$12.

Zack:
Can I get my -$6 in cash.

Cody:
Take an easy class? Like wood shop?

Zack:
What makes you think wood shop is easy?

Cody:
Duh, you're taking it.

Zack:
Do you think wood grows on trees?

Carey:
Relax, Cody. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Cody:
I'm not putting too much pressure on me. Harvard's putting too much pressure on me! Yale is putting too much pressure on me! Princeton! M.I.T! Stanford! Do you think they're out there looking for under-achievers? If I don't ace woodshop, I'll end up being one of those guys who sells hot dogs and sleeps in a taxi!

Zack:
Hey! How much does that pay?

Sister Dominick:
What's going on here?

London:
Maddie's jealous because I'm a best selling author on top of being rich and beautiful.

Zack:
What are you doing?

Cody:
Getting ready to drill a hole.

Zack:
Well, here in woodshop we tuck in our shirts before we use tools.

Cody:
But this shirt is a 100% linen, if I tuck it in and take it out, it will be wrinkled.

Zack:
Well, there's a 100% chance you'll be wrinkled when you get sucked into a sander. These safety rules were made for your own protection.

Cody:
Oh, yeah? And who came out with them?

Bob:
Nine-fingered Nick.

London:
(at a children's reading) Hello young readers. Remember, reading makes you smarterer.

Maddie:
Great news!

Esteban:
The revolution has begun in my country and they want to put my grandmama back on the throne?

Carey:
London, when you said you wanted me to sing to the guests, I thought it would be in the main room, not the bathroom.

London:
I want my guests to be entertained at all times.

Carey:
Well, now my career is literally in the toilet.

Maddie:
This is so unfair! I have to have my party at the Goose Lodge because my brother needs braces. (to Liam) Thanks a lot, you thumb sucker!

Liam:
You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb!

Zack:
Come over here, booger! I'll straighten your teeth!

Zack:
(to Cody) Fine, then I guess I won't find Maddie the perfect gift and she'll never love me. And we'll never get married, forcing me to live on your couch, eating your food, not doing my laundry year after year.

Cody:
Okay, stop it already!

Maddie:
London, this isn't fair. Your birthday was 6 months ago.

London:
So? I can have my party whenever I want.

Maddie:
I seem to remember on your actual birthday you took a cruise around the Mediterranean. What do you call that?

London:
Tuesday.

Zack:
(to Cody about his gift to Maddie) I'll buy it off you! Name your price.

Cody:
Ten thousand dollars!

Zack:
Name a lower price!

Zack:
What did you get her?

Cody:
A tea set, including a China cup with her name painted on it, her favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks.

Zack:
Well, how did you know she wanted all that?

Cody:
Because last week, she said to us, "For my birthday, I'd really like a China cup with my name painted on it, my favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks."

Zack:
What was I doing when she said that?

Cody:
Staring at her, thinking about that talk we had with Dad.

Zack:
I wanna make fun of Cody before his date, and it's always nice to have backup.

Bob:
Actually, I'm here because there is no date... Irma postponed it.

Zack:
When?

Bob:
When I say postponed, I mean dumped!

Zack:
She dumped him? That'll crush him! We'll have to break it to him gently. [Cody walks in.] Hey, Cody! Welcome to the club!

Cody:
What club?

Zack:
The-Guys-Who-Aren't-Dating-Irma Club.

Bob:
That's your idea of gentle?

Zack:
Hey, I didn't kick him.

Cody:
You're lying.

Bob:
I got it directly from the source. Irma told Kim who told Phill who told Ashley who told Brenda who told Dylan who told Cole who told me... [breathes in for air] It's over.

Cody:
But why? What happened?

Bob:
She got back together with her camp boyfriend.

Cody:
No! Not Joaquin! The one with the 12-speed bike and the puka shell necklace! This is horrible.

Zack:
Ok, buddy, this was a tough break, but there are lots of fish in the sea.

Cody:
[crying] I don't want a fish... I want I-i-irma!

Zack:
Come on, with whiskers like those, she looks like a catfish!

Kirk:
I'd like a chocolate bar, please.

Maddie:
[See's Kirk and gets exited] You can have anything you want!

Kirk:
[blank look on his face] I'd like a chocolate bar, please.

Maddie:
You're a man with a purpose. I like that. So, are you twin?

Kirk:
Yeah, are you?

Maddie:
No, my parents are old-fashioned. They like to make 'em one at a time.

Zack:
Ooh! look at that cute girl over there. Ooh! and there she is again! One for each of us!

Cody:
I already have a girl, my beautiful Irma.

Zack:
Your beautiful Irma happens to have more hair on her upper lip than you do.

Zack:
How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants? Ever had a 7-meat pizza?

Jessica:
That sounds intriguing! ...Or disgusting...

Zack:
It's both! So, how about it?

Jessica:
Thanks! But... I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice.

Zack:
No problem. I'll take my vitamins.

Jessica:
I meant - could you bring your brother?

Zack:
That's another way to go...

Zack:
Dude! Look at you! The suite is clean but you're a mess! You need to get back out there. But you might wanna take off the apron first.

Cody:
I told you I'm not ready.

Zack:
I understand. Only time can mend a broken heart.

Cody:
Thank you.

Zack:
You've got five minutes. Because that's when Jessica and Janice are gonna be here for our date.

Cody:
What part of "not going" don't you understand?

Zack:
The "not" part. Dude, they're twins! Gorgeous twins! On vacation! What they do in Boston stays in Boston!

Zack:
And then I get back and they're all crying into their pizza!

Carey:
Well, honey, I'm sorry your date was ruined, but you got what you deserved.

Zack:
Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?

Carey:
You pushed you brother to go out before he was ready just so you could have fun. Honey, it's gonna be a long time before he's comfortable around girls.

Cody:
[entering the suite with Jessica and Janice, all laughing] I had a wonderful time, ladies.

Jessica:
Don't forget, see you tomorrow for breakfast.

Janice:
Tea and scones! [they both kiss Cody's cheeks]

Cody:
Pip, pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out! [girls leave] Yes! Zack, I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me to get back out there, I'd be sitting here alone and so depressed! ♪Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the wave...♪

Dirk:
We're fraternal twins.

London:
No you're not. You don't look anything alike.

Dirk:
You can have my baked potato.

Maddie:
Don't you want any?

Dirk:
Nah. I feel like I can still taste the fertilizer.

Zack:
It's my motto: "Aim low and avoid disappointment."

Cody:
I thought your motto was "Sleep and eat."

Zack:
It's my other motto, and it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can't sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss a meal.

Cody:
Boy, your life is a real delicate balance.

Zack:
You have no idea!

Carey:
What have I told you, Zack? "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

Zack:
Well, I'm halfway there. I never lend.

Carey:
I spelled it p-o-l-i-t-i-c-k-s.

Zack:
So you got it right.

Carey:
You locked him in the hallway with no clothes.

Zack:
But two weeks of no TV is cruel and unusual punishment.

Carey:
Don't push it. And if you do it again, I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.

Carey:
What is it with you? I tell you not to do something, you promise not to do it, and you do it anyways!

Zack:
Life, it's all a learning experience.

Cody:
[chiming in] And you learned nothing. [to Carey] I'd go with "no allowance".

Cody:
I hate those rented shoes. Two hours in the shower and I can still feel the fungus between my toes!

Zack:
Speaking of fungus, hand me that soda.

Cody:
What does that have to do with fungus?

Zack:
Nothing. I just want my danged soda!

Cody:
Why can't you get your danged soda yourself?

Zack:
Mr. Moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm.

Cody:
Boy, you are milking this star player thing...

Zack:
Speaking of milking things, I need you to do my current events homework. Mr. Moseby wants me to ... rest my ... golden arm...

Cody:
Well, you better get the newspaper first, because you're doing your own stinking homework.

Zack:
Fine, fine, fine. But if I pull a finger muscle, it's on your head.

Cody:
Well, it's better than where it usually is, up your nose, digging for gold.

Zack:
That's funny... [Zack opens the door to leave the suite] Hey, check it out! There's some loser in the hall in a towel!

Cody:
No way! Who is it?

Zack:
You! [Zack pushes Cody and closes the door]

London:
[cheering] We've got spirit, yes, we do. We've got spirit, how 'bout- you? [bumps into Ilsa's brawny bowler Hilda]

Hilda:
We've got spirit, ya, we do. Shut your mouth, or I'll crush you!

Moseby:
[learning that Zack has been grounded before the bowling match] I beg you to punish Zack on a regular basis, but just when I need him the most, you get tough. You hate me, don't you?

Zack:
Me and Cody were going to see Killer Koala.

Theo:
Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.

Zack:
I've learned two things today. It's that, one, you can't buy friendship; and two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked.

Zack:
Mr. Moseby, you think you could open the icecream bar a bit earlier today?

Moseby:
Absolutely not, there is no...

Theo:
I could go for an ice cream.

Moseby:
Consider it open! Let me call our frozen confections engineer.

Zack:
Thanks man, that was awesome!

Theo:
Need anything else?

Cody:
Yeah, a basketball that comes back up after it hits the ground.

Theo:
Well, why won't you come back to my place. I've got dozens of basketballs and a regulation court.

Zack:
You have a basketball court outside your house?

Theo:
Inside, right next to the bowling alley. [to Moseby] Tell mom I'm taking the car.

Zack:
You have a car?

Theo:
Well, if you consider a stretched limo with a hot tub and a big screen tv a car then yeah...

Zack:
Dude, where have you been all my life!

Cody:
Hot tub - called it!

Moseby:
Why is there a crying baby in the lobby?

Maddie:
It's not a real baby. It's our homework assignment.

Moseby:
Is there any way you can get your homework assignment to shut up?

Esteban:
It's raining lamas and goats outside.

London:
Don't you mean cats and dogs?

Esteban:
[giggles] That's a silly expression. Why must all women shop so much? Uh, nine shopping bags?

London:
One for every day of the week!

Maddie:
I bet you also think that a woman's place is in the kitchen!

Esteban:
Only after she gets back from the grocery store!

Maddie:
Oh, that attitude is so typically male! I'll have you know, women are capable of doing anything!

Esteban:
How about talking quietly?

Cody:
You thinking what I'm thinking?

Zack:
Chihuahuas have freakishly huge ears. I mean, compared to their bodies, they're massive!

Cody:
NO!

Carey:
And just where do you two think you're going?

Cody:
[to Zack] I don't get it. She didn't even turn around!

Zack:
Ok. The eyes in the back of her head thing is really creepy!

Carey:
Just so you know, my vision is twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty. You are not playing hockey without helmets and a whole bunch of pads, anything that looks like skin - go cover it.

Zack:
Speaking of helmets and pads, if we wear them, could we go bungee jumping later?

Carey:
Not even off your bed.

Cody:
Bob's parents said he could go.

Carey:
And if Bob's parents let him jump off the bridge, would you wanna do that too?

Zack:
If we were attached to a bungee cord!

Carey:
Not even if you were still attached to my umbilical cord.

Zack:
Ok, ewww...

Cody:
Why won't you let us have any fun?

Carey:
It's my job. It's the first thing they teach you in mom's school. I discipline because I care.

Zack:
Well, couldn't you care less? We're not kids you know!

Cody:
Yeah, can't you treat us like adults?

Carey:
As soon as I don't have to buy my own Mother's Day cards.

Cody:
Fine, we'll read.

Zack:
Careful Cody, you better put your helmet on. Those are hard cover books.

Cody:
Is this safe enough for you mom? Ow! paper cut! Mommy, kiss it!

Zack:
Hey Arwin, what are you...

Cody:
Ok, that's a little disturbing...

Arwin:
I was just practicing asking your mom out, because every time I try to ask your real mom, I get lost in her big brown beautiful eyes...

Cody:
Arwin!

Arwin:
Yeah!

Cody:
Put mom in the drawer and come play with us!

Zack:
I mean, everytime we ask someone to play with us, they all say the same thing.

Arwin:
I don't have time.

Zack:
Yeah!

Arwin:
No, no, I mean I really don't have time. See, when I'm not practicing my dating skills, I'm working on a secret project. So secret in fact, that no power on earth can make me tell you what it is.

Zack:
Then we won't ask.

Arwin:
Ok, ok, I'm gonna tell you! Ready? 3, 2, 1, tada! Aaaaaah! Yeah!

Cody:
Wow... a pay phone...

Zack:
You invented something that nobody uses anymore.

Zack, Cody:
(after returning from the parallel universe and Arwin enters) ARWIN!!!

Arwin:
ZACK!!! CODY!!! WHY ARE WE YELLING????!!!!

Irv:
[walks over to Carey] The name's Weldon. Irv Weldon. And I like to be shaken, not stirred.

Arwin:
Oh, that Weldon is as smooth as porcelain.

Zack:
You're gonna be fine Arwin. The first event is in ten minutes.

Cody:
Have you found a happy place to think about?

Arwin:
Well, actually, at first it was me and mother on a lovely tropical cruise... Then a storm hit and the waves were huge, and then her wheelchair rolled off the side, and I yelled: "Mother, throw me the house keys!"

Zack:
Okay... How about thinking about a nice cookie?

Arwin:
Uh, that'll work!

Moseby:
Well, most things worth getting require hard work. Which is an experience, shall I say, you have been deprived of.

London:
How so?

Moseby:
Whenever you want something, you just call daddy and he gets it for you.

London:
It's not as easy as it looks. Daddy has a lot of different phone numbers.

Zack:
That was amazing! How did you hit ten free-throws in a row?

Cody:
New system. I realized, if I picture myself in the happy place, all the pressure goes away.

Zack:
Where's your happy place?

Cody:
Can't say. You might show up.

Arwin:
Done!

Cody:
A minute, ten seconds.

Arwin:
Aaargh! I'll never beat Irv. I'm such a loser. Loser, loser, loser! [hits his forehead with his hand]

Zack:
You've got to be more positive. Try this: winner, winner, winner! [hits Arwin's forehead with Arwin's hand]

Arwin:
No, that doesn't work so well either.

Cody:
Well, I've got a great technique to keep from getting nervous. Think of a happy place and all the pressure will just melt away.

Arwin:
Well, thanks, but no matter how happy the place, it'll never be me up on that winner's podium accepting the Golden Plunger and a kiss from the plunger girl...

[Carey enters]

Carey:
Come on guys, time to go home.

Cody:
Can't we stay a little longer mom?

Carey:
I'm sorry, but I've got to get upstairs and work on this stupid song, the Tipton's hosting some kind of geek games. Moseby's making me sing at the opening ceremonies and hand out the Golden Plunger.

Arwin:
You're the plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo- [Zack hits him in the back] plunger girl? [Carey nods] Wildon's going down.

Cody:
Don't you call our mom a fair-haired beauty!

Zack:
Yeah. You should see her in the morning, there ain't nothing beautiful about it.

Irv:
Hey plunger girl, I can't wait for our lips to meet.

Carey:
I just... I just threw up a little bit...

Maddie:
London, customers. Ok, be cool. Act like we've done this before.

London:
Gotcha.

Maddie:
Hello, ladies. Welcome to London's, a fabulous fashion boutique. Can I help you with something?

Customer 1:
We're just looking. Thank you.

London:
Oh, that is not for you.

Customer 1:
Excuse me?

London:
Those dresses are made for women with an hourglass figure. You're shaped like a pumpkin. And you're more like a butternut squash.

Customer 1:
Oh!

Customer 2:
Oh!

Customer 1:
I have never in my life...

Maddie:
I happen to love butternut squash. I love all the winter vegetables!

London:
This store is a total failure. What are you doing wrong, Maddie?

London:
So, have we sold anything yet?

Maddie:
Yes. 4 items.

London:
Ooh, that's not bad.

Maddie:
Considering we sold them to you and you used your employer's 100% discount on all of them, it ain't good.

Maddie:
[about George Washington] He's the guy on the $1 bill.

London:
They make a $1 bill?

Maddie:
Give me liberty-

Cody:
Or give me death!

Zack:
Is there a third choice?

Moesby:
Stop the bulldozers! I got the injunct-AAAAHHHH!

Arwin:
Did you hear that? He said he got the injunct-AAAAHHHH!

Carey:
Boys, you need to get upstairs and study for your American History test tomorrow.

Zack:
Mother, there is no history. Yesterday we got off the boat and today we bathed in the creek.

Maddie:
Who was the 1st President of the United States?

London:
Ooh ooh. I know, I know. He chopped down a cherry tree, had icky wooden teeth. Don't tell me.

Esteban:
It's George Washington.

London:
No, that's not it.

Moseby:
What happened?

Zack:
Why do you always look at me?

Moseby:
Force of habit. What was it, the rascally elves?

Cody:
Where would she have learned to con people like that?

Zack:
I'm thinking she was home schooled.

Cody:
How do you know Darlene is talking about you? Oh, yeah, she said "obnoxious."

Cody:
I've got great news! I just got appointed Editor of the school paper!

Zack:
We have a school paper?

Cody:
Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the Library.

Zack:
We have a Library?

Cody:
Okay, I don't blame you for not reading the Revere Express. It stinks, but Ms. Cohen expects me to turn it around, the same way I turned around the Math Lab.

Zack:
We have a Math Lab?

Maddie:
I just heard the good news.

London:
Yes, I just bought my 1000th pair of shoes.

Maddie:
No! Your father's getting remarried!

London:
You call that news?

Moseby:
Oh dear, did I just hear you say there's another new Mrs. Tipton?

London:
Uh-huh.

Moseby:
I wish I would've known. I would have bought them an extravagant gift, although the warranties on my last two gifts lasted longer than the marriages.

Bob:
Am I too late to audition? I hope...

Mr. Forgess:
Hey, Bob, I'm happy to see you here. I didn't know you had an interest in Shakespeare.

Bob:
I don't. My mom said it was this or oboe lessons.

Mr. Forgess:
Huh, love the enthusiasm!

Cody:
I'm Bottom?

Zack:
That part must stink!

Cody:
But that's the character who gets turned into a donkey.

Bob:
A donkey named Bottom? Definitely stinks!

Cody:
Oh, yeah? What part did you get?

Bob:
Well, whatever it is, it's got to be better than Bottom.

Agnes:
You're Puck, the fairy.

Bob:
A fairy? I hate my Mom!

Vanessa (after hearing that Cody and Gwen broke up):
If you need a shoulder to cry on...I'm available.

Zack:
NO! I mean...he can't. He has a...meeting with the Geek Club!

Cody:
It's the Glee Club.

Zack:
Have you seen who shows up?

Carey:
[to Zack] Come on, Pumpkin!

Zack:
Mom, ix-n-ay on the umpkin-p-ay.

Carey:
Orry-s-ay.

Gwen:
(to Zack, dressed up as Lysander) What are you doing, my Lysander? It's me you love, remember?

Mr. Forgess:
(clapping to Zack) Oh, wow! Great audition! Isn't that a beautiful speech? "Behold." No one says that anymore. Why not? It's a perfectly good word. Behold, my tie is blue! Behold, I got it on sale!

Cody:
Behold, Mr. Forgess has toilet paper stuck to his shoe!

Mr. Forgess:
Oh, hey, that's very good. (looks at his shoe) Oh! Uh, I'll be right back.

Gwen:
Hey, Cody. I was thinking, and it might be a good idea if we see other people.

Cody:
Other people? We've barely seen each other.

Gwen:
Oh, come on, we've had some pretty good times.

Cody:
You mean yesterday?

Gwen:
Exactly, glad you understand.

London:
I'm back! Who missed me? (nobody in the lobby pays attention to her)I brought presents!(everyone starts welcoming her back)

Mr. Moseby:
[to London] How was your stay at the Tokyo Tipton?

London:
Fantastic!

Mr. Moseby:
Not as fantastic as the Boston Tipton, right?

London:
Actually, Daddy says the Tokyo Tipton is the best Tipton ever.

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, yeah? What's so great about it?

London:
The lobby there was decorated according to the Asian principles of Feng Shui. I mean, you can really feel the difference in the energy flow. It went right through you.

Maddie:
Are you sure you didn't just eat some bad sushi? (laughs)

(London glares at her)

London:
See, this is a Ba Gua.

Esteban:
(carrying several luggage bags on his back) It is also the only thing she carried.

London:
It's a chart that shows how to rearrange your space to enhance different areas of your life, like good health, good fortune. Uh-oh!

Mr. Moseby:
Uh-oh what?

London:
Uh-oh, your lobby is way out of alignment!

Esteban:
(still carrying all the bags) So is my spine!

London:
Don't you love what I've done to the place?

Mr. Moseby:
(behind a wall) Don't you think people are gonna have trouble finding the check-in desk?

London:
If they do, you can just ring the chimes like this. (rings chimes) Check in over here!

Mr. Moseby:
(wearing a large robe) I have issues with this outfit. Well, there is no place to put my wallet and I'm feeling an uncomfortable breeze!

Maddie:
London, I have a little situation at the candy counter.

London:
What's the situation?

Maddie:
It's outside and I'm freezing to death!

London:
Well, that's because you've got your summer kimono on, silly.

Maddie:
Why can't I wear my old uniform?

London:
Because it's in disharmony with the lobby.

Maddie:
I'm not even in the lobby!

Mr. Forgess:
Well, I think you guys really got to understand the theme of the play.

Zack:
Girls stink.

Cody:
Never work with your brother.

Bob:
I should've gone with the oboe.

Mr. Forgess:
Close enough.

Cody:
It's International Week at school, and I've learned to say things in ten different languages!

Zack:
And I've learned to snore in ten different languages.

Carey:
You have to figure out what you're going to do.

Zack:
Don't worry. I've got International Day covered.

Carey:
Bringing in a slice of Swiss cheese doesn't count.

Zack:
What if I put it on a German kaiser roll?

London:
Boy, am I tired. I've been working all day.

Maddie:
On your history paper?

London:
No, I have people for that. I've been going through my old clothes. I'm getting rid of them. Oh, look. Here's the outfit I wore on the plane going to Paris last weekend. And here's the outfit I wore getting off the plane.

Maddie:
I've been wearing the same socks for a week.

London:
Oh, I thought that smell was seaweed cookies.

Carey:
Boys, why is there a woman with a fish at the door?

Zack:
Mori-san.

Kumiko:
Hi.

Cody:
We invited our friend over for dinner. She's a famous singer from Japan.

Carey:
Oh, yes! You're performing at the Nakamura Convention. I'm also a singer.

Kumiko:
Oh, you famous, too? Singing in front of lots of people making lots of money.

Zack and Cody:
No.

Carey:
My fan club.

Mr. Moseby:
Zack. Cody. Where's Kumiko!

Zack:
I only tell you if you promise not to get angry.

Mr. Moseby:
I promise.

Cody:
Zack lost her at school.

Zack:
I think he's angry.

Mr. Moseby:
How do you lose a woman!

Cody:
You forget to cherish her.

Carey:
Aw, and that's why your my special little man.

Mr. Moseby:
The Nakamori executives are expecting a brilliant japanese singer less than an hour and what am I to do?

Cody:
Mom's a brilliant singer.

Mr. Moseby:
And there's just one problem, she's not japanese.

Kumiko:
(to Zack as she is chopping a fish) Don't worry. As a sign of respect, I will save the eyeballs for Mommy.

Carey:
(scared) Oh goody.

Cody:
I don't think Harvey's right for Mom. And you're just happy because he's rich.

Zack:
Ta-ta, no! I-I-I think he's a kind, caring man who — who happens to have a mansion with five bathrooms. We could all go at once, and still have one toilet left over!

Cody:
Our fridge is the size of R2D2!

St. Silvia's Player:
I just always wanted to meet the dumbest heiress in Boston.

London:
Excuse me.

St. Silvia's Player:
(slowly) Was I speaking too fast?

After London power slams the ball in the girl's face

London:
(slowly) Did I hit it too hard?

Cody:
Esteban, now you have enough money to pay for your little sister's quinceañera.

Esteban:
Oh, yes. And I would like to thank everyone from the heart of my bottom!

Zack:
Bottom of my heart.

Esteban:
That, too!

Mr. Moseby:
Esteban, good news. I have booked the Boston Ballroom Dance Competition for here at the Tipton. Now, if your school takes first place, you'll get $1,000.

Esteban:
Oh, gracias, Mr. Moseby. You booked this to help me pay for my sister's quinceñiera.

Mr. Moseby:
No, I just wanted a trophy.

Jessica and Janice:
Aw

Zack and Cody:
Yeah!

Esteban:
[to the twins] So, little blonde peoples, to help me help my little sister, (begging) will you please take my ballroom dance class?

Zack:
We're into more manly sports.

Cody:
Yeah, we're more slam dunks then, grande jeté!

Zack:
And some of us are even to manly to say, let alone do, a grande jeté.

Jessica:
Actually, I adore ballroom dancing.

Janice:
Me too. It's so romantic.

Jessica:
Really romantic.

Zack and Cody:
(cheerfully turn to Esteban) SIGN US UP!!

Jessica:
Zack, your theory of the origin of the universe is fascinating.

Janice:
Really fascinating.

Cody:
Ok, I can't take this, the theory of the universe is the string theory, not the string cheese theory.

Zack:
Jessica, you're leading again.

Jessica:
I'm leading because you're hesitating.

Zack:
Well, I'm hesitating because you keep critising me.

Jessica:
I'm criticzing you because you're not doing it right.

Zack:
I'm not doing it right because you're yelling.

Jessica:
You're the one who's yelling. (turns away from each other)

Jessica:
Ow! You stepped on me again!

Zack:
I stepped on you because your foot is not supposed to be there.

Jessica:
That's where you lead me!

Zack:
Ha! It'd be easier to lead a donkey!

Janice:
Why are being so rude to my sister?

Zack:
Oh, like it's my fault she pushes me around like a bulldozer.

Jessica:
(gasps) I will not be spoken to that way!

Janice:
No, we won't!

(Janice & Jessica start to leave)

Cody:
Wait, that was a compliment.

Janice:
How?

Cody:
I have no idea.

(When Carey, London, and Lance show up for Esteban's ballroom dance lessons)

Esteban:
What are you all doing here?

Carey:
Cody said you were teaching dance and we couldn't wait to learn from the great Esteban.

Esteban:
So he told you I was desperate for money and you took pity on me.

Carey:
Pretty much.

Esteban:
And I'm okay with that.

Carey:
Okay!

London:
Ooh, sign me up, too! I have a whole closet full of ballroom dancing clothes I finally get to wear, then throw out.

Leo:
(coughing) Is this the ballroom dance class?

Esteban:
Oh, yes, it is. Are you here to enroll?

Leo:
Yes. My doctor told me I needed some exercise, but my nurse Shannon won't let me chase her around the living room anymore. (starts crying) I'll be all right.

Mrs. Mayweather:
(to Esteban) Why can't I be your partner?!

Leo:
'Cause you're with me now, baby. And we're gonna dance 'till I'm blue in the face.

Mrs. Mayweather:
Well, that won't take long. You were out of breath when you walked in the room.

Esteban:
Okay, everyone. Let's go over what dance each couple will be doing. London, Lance, what do you feel comfortable doing?

London:
Shopping.

Lance:
Swimming.

Esteban:
I meant with dance.

Lance:
The swim.

London:
The shop.

Esteban:
The Samba it is.

Esteban:
Lori? Where'd she go?

Shannon:
Well, she said you were all pathetic losers and left.

(Everyone starts protesting)

Leo:
What did she say?!

Mrs. Mayweather:
You were a pathetic loser.

Leo:
Oh.

Cody:
What's wrong with Janice?

Zack:
She's got noodle arms. It's like dancing with spaghetti. I'll never win the junior division with her.

Cody:
Then why should I take her?

Zack:
'Cause you'll never win with anyone.

Cody:
That is... probably true.

Zack:
[to Cody] Why is she still here?

Carey:
To remind you not to see anything inappropriate, like Bullet Sandwich or Zombie Mom.

Cody:
Fine, but when you pick us up, no hugging and no calling us "my little men."

Carey:
Why don't you just rip my heart out?

Zack:
I think that's how Zombie Mom ends.

Cody:
I gotta say, you were right about going to see Zombie Mom. All though I found the storyline was thin and the blood-drinking scene was gratuitous, it scared the snot out of Janice. And she held on to me the whole time.

Zack:
Yeah, great flick.

Cody:
I could tell you liked it by your screaming.

Zack:
I wasn't screaming. I was cheering. [Cody moves to turn the light off.] Don't you turn off that light!

Cody:
Or what, you'll "cheer" again?

Mr. Moseby:
What's with all the candy? Looks like a pinata threw up.

Cody:
We haven't even had our first meeting yet, and you're already breaking the rules?

Zack:
Look, I didn't join up just to follow a bunch of dopey rules. I joined so I could tie knots, climb things and start campfires.

Moseby:
Basically, all the stuff you do in my lobby.

Warren:
This is no picnic, ma'am.

Bob:
It is a tough, macho journey into the deep dark unknown.

Zack:
TAXI!

Mr. Moseby:
Cody, didn't I tell you to tie our food and hang it from a tree?

Cody:
Since you promoted me to Koala bear, I decided to delegate it to an underbear. So I told Bob to do it.

Bob:
And I told Warren to do it.

Warren:
And I forgot to do it.

Mr. Moseby:
First we need to dig a trench around our campsite.

Warren:
You mean to go potty?

Bob:
I think I'm just gonna hold it in.

Cody:
You see, my fellow grizzlies and I are supposed to live off the land and the food that my showoff brother keeps finding.

Merle:
I got a brother too. He has a two story cabin and it's loaded with babes. Wonder who his real estate agent is.

Cody:
Finding food is supposed to be a challenge.

Merle:
(holding bowl of strawberries) Ok. I'll just put it way up here. (puts on a high shelf)

Maid:
(startles Carey) Towels, lady?

Carey:
Sorry. Didn't hear you come in. I was too busy setting up my painting supplies. The boys are out of town. You know, I used to paint all the time. Then the twins were born, I had to set it aside. Kept telling myself I'd get back to it next week or the week after that. But I never did. Oh well, better later than never though, right?

Maid:
(blank face) Towels, lady?

Zack:
[after the mother hawk flies away] Who is going to hatch the egg?

Cody:
I will.

Zack:
Okay, but you'd better squat real low.

Moseby:
I talked to the zoo, and they're willing to take the baby hawk as an honored guest.

Patrick:
Oh, brilliant solution. Everyone's happy.

Maddie:
I know Cody, and he'll never put his baby in a cage.

Moseby:
Oh, well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins. Oh, happy day!

Moseby:
What's going on?

Cody:
There's something circling the hotel. I think it's a hangglider.

Zack:
Get real. It's a flying saucer.

Cody:
The hawk is back.

Zack:
Where's it been?

Cody:
I don't know. What am I supposed to do, ask it?

Zack:
Why not? You talk to plants.

Cody:
(to Moseby) We'll report you to the TGATPPWSHA.

Moseby, Zack:
The what?

Moseby:
(to Zack and Cody) I'll get both of you and your little hawk too!

Moseby:
(trying to touch Arwin's red button on his machine that will try to stop the hawk) What's that-

Arwin:
No don't touch that! Woo. I put it there to look cool.

Carey:
Okay. I brought a blanket and a hot water bottle.

Cody:
No! Don't you know anything about mothering?

Carey:
Apparently not.

Arwin:
I made this sling to cradle the egg and keep it at hawk temperature.

Zack:
How do you take a hawk's temperature?

Arwin:
Very carefully.

Maddie:
Rough day at school?

Zack:
Yeah and it's all Cody's fault.

Maddie:
Why? Is everyone making fun of you because your twin brother is hatching an egg?

Arwin:
Cody, I made something that is gonna help you bond with the baby.

Carey:
Cody, for the record I'm in all of favor of what you're doing here but I think this time Arwin has gone a little too far.

Arwin:
This is not going too far. (Puts on a helmet that has a giant bird head on it)

Carey:
You know Cody, I've always looked forward to becoming a grandma. And of course I thought you'd be older, married, and your baby would be human.

Cody:
My egg. I think it's- It's opening. My water broke. Oh my gosh! I'm giving birth!

Cody:
(after finding out that Zack took money from the Save the hawk foundation to get a new camera) Zack!

Zack:
Ok. I'll send 20% to a real hawk charity.

Cody:
20?!

Zack:
Fine. 50%.

Cody:
50?!

Zack:
100%. But that's as high as I'll go.

Cody:
Bubba and I are doing just fine. I'm gonna teach him how to fly.

Zack:
(sarcastically) Can't wait to see that test flight.

Moseby:
Madeline, please. Look, a zoo isn't so bad.

Maddie:
Then why aren't you living in one?

Moseby:
I am.

Dr. Chip:
So, where's the patient?

Carey:
That would be me, the woman lying in bed, sneezing her guts out.

Dr. Chip:
Actually, you can't really sneeze your guts out. I wrote a paper on it.

Cody:
What grade did you get?

Dr. Chip:
That's not important!

Zack:
For Cody, two hundred single-ply napkins.

Cody:
I wanted two-ply.

Zack:
[throwing box in Cody's direction] Glue them together. [the box hits Cody's head.]

Cody:
Ow...

Zack:
Here's an ice pack. [prepares to throw it]

Cody:
Never mind!

Carey:
Honey, why don't you just walk the stuff in to him?

Zack:
It's not my fault all he can catch is a cold.

Cody:
Look, just because a man cooks and cleans doesn't mean he can't be macho and tough. [drinks from Carey's mug]

Zack:
Hey, you're drinking out of Mom's sicky cup.

Cody:
[screams like a girl]

Zack:
Yeah, that's macho and tough!

Arwin:
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII fixed it!

London:
Maddie, I really need your help.

Maddie:
I can't. I'm trying to win employee of the month.

London:
But I just need one little-

Maddie:
(grabs London's shirt) I am trying to win a trip here! Do you know when my last vacation was?! Never! Now back away woman!

London:
Maddie, I really need your help. And I won't take "no" for an answer.

Maddie:
No.

London:
Okay, I tried.

Maddie:
Hey, guys. So, how'd the summer job hunt go?

Cody:
I tell ya, it's tough to secure employment in an economic climate where interest rates are climbing and large cap stocks are fluctuating wildly.

Zack:
Plus, we got turned down by Taco Schmaco.

Maddie:
Well, Señor Schmaco does like employees to see over the counter.

Cody:
Zack, you told me you booked two dancers who looked like they were from the '60s, not two dancers in their sixties!

Zack:
They looked good in this picture.

Cody:
Didn't you notice the brontosaurus in the background?

Cody:
[talking like Elvis] Don't cry, little lady. You're getting tears on my blue suede shoes.

London:
Whatcha doing?

Maddie:
[typing angrily] I'm composing an irate letter to Mr. Moseby in an attempt to express my inner angst and achieve emotional catharsis.

London:
Whatcha doing?

Maddie:
Typing.

Game Show Host:
[after Zack fails in the final challenge, which involves spelling the word "DOG" with giant building blocks in an obstacle course] Sorry, you spelled 'OG'. 'Ice try!

History Teacher:
You seem a little batty!

Mosbey's Grandmother:
Oh, I'm batty; this bat is batty! [pulls a bat out of a bag and chases Zack's teacher]

Maddie:
London, someone's at the drive-thru. Use this script to take their order.

London:
[presses button] Hello. Can I take your order? [Gibberish is heard through the speaker.] Huh?

Maddie:
They said they want a Cluck Muncher Meal. Press that button. Use the script!

London:
[presses button and reads from script] Would you like anything else? Suggest whatever's getting cold... Oh.

Maddie:
Your dad's right. It'll be good to live off the money you earn.

London:
But I'll starve. Daddy's so cheap, he's only giving me $1000 for every dollar I make.

Maddie:
Oh, you poor thing. My dad just installed a pay toilet.

Zack:
I got beaten by a girl! It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me!

Cody:
More embarrassing than the time in gym class when your pants fell down?

Zack:
That was you.

Carey:
Zack, I can't believe you're being that shallow.

Cody:
Face it, Mom. He's as shallow as a kiddie pool.

Zack:
At least I'm not scared to swim in one.

Cody:
[to Zack] I just hope you don't act like a jerk again around Ella.

Zack:
No, no, I'm going to be a perfect gentleman. And we're going back to Putt Putt Party and I'm gonna politely pummel her to a pulp.

Tiffany:
Who cares? That would be like my brother dating Chelsea.

Chelsea:
Oh, just because my family's yacht is smaller than yours, you think you're better than me?

Tiffany:
Well... yeah!

Chelsea:
And, by the way, I did date your brother. He's an idiot.

Maddie:
Yikes.

London:
Girls, girls, please. It's okay for rich people to hang out with other people who have less money than they do. I mean, I hang out with you guys.

Maddie:
Double yikes!

Tiffany:
(to London) Well, at least my daddy's not an inn keeper!

London:
(gasps) How dare you! (spills her drink on Tiffany's dress) Oops.

Tiffany:
Did you just purposely throw tea on my new dress?!

London:
Honey, what does it matter? It's probably a knockoff anyway.

Maddie:
Uh, ladies, shouldn't we get back to the book?

(Tiffany puts a pie on London's head)

Tiffany:
Oops.

London:
I'll have you know, I'm too much of a lady to engage in your low-class behavior. Oh, who am I kidding? (hits Tiffany in the back of the head with another pie)

Chelsea:
Girls, girls. It doesn't matter what you have in the bank. All that matters is what you have on your face. (hits Tiffany in the face with a pie)

Tiffany:
That better be low-fat!

Chelsea:
Well, let's ask London. (hits London in the face with a pie)

(Both London & Tiffany hit Chelsea in the face with another pie)

London & Tiffany:
Oops.

Maddie:
All right, I'll just be going, then!

Mr. Moseby:
[to Maddie] Thought your shift was over, Madeline?

Maddie:
It is. But I thought I'd stay and, uh, do a little inventory.

Mr. Moseby:
Couldn't resist listening in on London's book club, could you?

Maddie:
I can't help it! It's just too bizarre!

Chelsea:
(to the other girls in the book club) Okay, everyone, let's get the discussion started.

London:
It's about time. (opens up the book) Can we talk about Paris? (closes the book) Did you guys see that hideous pink dress she wore to the Gala last night? It looked like she threw up a flamingo!

Maddie:
(to Mr. Moseby) They're not even discussing the book!

Mr. Moseby:
And you're surprised because?

Barbara:
Cody, this looks really complicated.

Cody:
Not really. All you have to do is look at it as if it were an isosceles triangle. The giraffe on the line intersecting it diagonally.

Barbara:
And if you calculate the angle trajectory, you should be able to find the coordinates of the optimal target zone.

Cody:
I should have bought my protractor.

Barbara:
Oh, I have one! (reaches to her back pocket and takes it out.)

Cody:
The Angle Jam 2000?

Barbara:
I got it for Chanukah.

Zack:
Cody, I have a date with Ella this Saturday and I need you to go with us.

Cody:
Oh no! I know what you're doing and I'm not going out with her creepy sister...

Zack:
But you...

Cody:
...or brother...

Zack:
C'mon you-

Cody:
...or dog.

Zack:
[to Cody] Would you relax? You can go with whoever you want.

Cody:
Why do I need to go with you at all?

Zack:
Because...I really wanna impress Ella and no matter what we end up doing, you just make me look better.

Carey:
(after finishing her push-ups) TEN! (reaches to grab the donut)

Zack:
(takes the donut before Carey)

Carey:
Honey, that was my reward!

Zack:
Well being a mother reward enough?

Zack:
[to Ella] Your hair looks really pretty under the glow of the tiki torches.

Ella:
Thanks. Wait until you see it blowing under the windmill.

Cloris:
You should see my hair under the windmill.

Zack:
(to Ella privately) Yeah, how do you think it got that way?

Cloris:
I heard that!

Cloris:
(screams) Next!

Barbara:
(scared) I don't want to be next! (hides behind Cody)

Ella:
[to Zack] By the way, I let you win.

Zack:
Did not... did you?

Ella:
Maybe I did... maybe I didn't.

Zack:
Oh, so that's how you want it? Fine. Best 2 out of 3.

Ella:
You're on.

Zack:
Oh, and if you win, it's best 5 out of 9.

London:
Girls, let's turn to real issues...what do you think of my hair?

Maddie:
I'm horrified!

Mr. Moseby:
I think her hair looks nice. It's shiny.

Maddie:
Did any of you even read the book?

Tiffany:
Well, my butler was reading it to me, but my cell phone rang. It was Bradley Wiggins!

Chelsea:
Oooh, he's cute!

Tiffany:
I know! And he said he's thinking of dumping Allison... for me!

London:
(gets a papercut from reading a book) Reading is dangerous!

Cloris:
(to Zack) Why don't you take her bowling? See if you can bite that ball in half.

Zack:
(bends golf club)

Cloris:
(through mic) You bend it, you buy it! Lousy kid.

Maddie:
So what'd you think of the book?

London:
I thought it was a classic tale of love and misunderstanding with beautiful scenery and compelling images with beautifully refined performances by the whole cast.

Maddie:
Okay you just saw the movie.

London:
I did not. I read the review. Which is reading.

Mr. Moseby:
Those other competitors were quaint with fear when they saw me coming with Big Bula.

Zack:
Was Big Bula the name of your club?

Mr. Moseby:
Nope. My mother. Bula Moseby. That woman is 250 pounds of fire and brimstone. And 20 pounds of coffee cake.

London:
(while with her book club) Pride and Prejudice is about a rich man who marries a poor girl. Which as we all know only happens in books. (to Maddie) Sorry.

Maddie:
(with London's book club) I must admit I am impressed you girls read the book. So didn't you think Caroline Bingley was a total snob?

Tiffany:
Yes I loved her.

Maddie:
London, did you actually read Pride and Prejudice?

London:
Yes.

Maddie:
Well, what's the main character's name?

London:
Pride?

Cody:
What's wrong, Chef Paolo?

Chef Paolo:
It's the results of my blood test.

Zack:
It can't be that bad.

Chef Paolo:
They found bacon bits!

Chef Paolo:
[reading a note from Cody] Chef Paolo, here's your midnight snack: one chocolate chip. If you learn to enjoy things in moderation, you can live healthier. [takes a small bite from the chocolate chip] I will save the rest for later. (...) It's later! (Paolo then gnashes on the rest of the chip quickly.)

London:
Come by the ballroom later and pick out the outfits you want to wear. Get there early because Francesca will be there.

Maddie:
I thought you couldn't stand her.

London:
I can't. She is a horrible person. She's nasty, catty and rude.

Maddie:
Well, why did you invite her?

London:
Because she's one of my best friends.

Zack:
Oh, hey, Jamie. Here to play some basketball?

Jamie:
No. The wheelchair exit's out there.

Zack:
Oh, you mean the skateboard ramp?

Maddie:
Esteban, thanks again for being my camera man.

Esteban:
I prefer cinema photographer. Ok, how do you work this thing?

Maddie:
You push the little red button.

Esteban:
Oh. Start, aaah, stop, start, stop, start...

Maddie:
Stop!

Esteban:
Ok.

Maddie:
Not until I say "action". Ok, London, your character is selling her wares.

London:
What wares?

Maddie:
Those wares.

London:
Where?

Maddie:
There! Your wares are there!

London:
The pears? The pears are my wares?

Maddie:
Ok, Lance, remember, you're rich.

Lance:
Rich who?

Maddie:
No, I mean you have money.

Lance:
So I'm rich and my name is Rich? Cool.

Maddie:
No, no. your name isn't Rich.

Lance:
What's my name then?

Maddie:
It doesn't matter.

Lance:
Then why can't it be Rich?

Maddie:
Ok, it's Rich! Look, I am trying to win a film festival here, people! Ok, Lance, you're about to enter the hotel when you see this poor girl in tattered clothing.

London:
Oh, thanks for lending me your clothes, Maddie.

Maddie:
Right...

Zack:
What are you doing on the court?

Jamie:
Well, I decided I'd better play. Not that I want to, but I can't let you guys turn our team into a laughing stock.

Bob:
Too late.

Trent:
Oh, it's never too late!

Bob:
Dude, you're spitting on me.

Zack:
Welcome back to the team.

Cody:
But who's Jamie going in for?

Zack:
Well, I'll give you a hint. His number rhymes with nerdy.

Zack:
Remember those kids playing basketball in the lobby? Well I was hoping that Jamie meets them, he might be interested in basketball again.

Cody:
He was the best player on our team.

Zack:
Ahem.

Cody:
He was the best player on our team.

London:
Line please.

Maddie:
No.

London:
Fine. Then I'll just go look it up in my script.

Trent:
You know we got a game coming up.

Bob:
Relax Trent. It's only an exhibition.

Trent:
My dad said you're not giving a maximum amount of effort all the time, you're a waste of human life.

Bob:
Oh well he must be a lot of fun at parties.

Zack:
Can't you throw?

Cody:
Can't you catch?

Zack:
Well I'd catch it if you could throw it.

Cody:
Well I'd throw it if you could catch it.

Trent:
HEY! Do you guys know what I hate more than losing?

Zack:
What?

Trent:
YOU TWO!

Maddie:
I can't find a leading lady for my movie!

London:
Here's me pretending to care. (in weepy voice) what movie Maddie?

Maddie:
My student film.

London:
What's it about?

Maddie:
Well it's about society's indifference towards the impoverished and the triumph of the spirit over a pressive socio-econimic circumstance.

London:
What's it about?

Daryl:
For future reference, just because a person is in a wheelchair doesn't mean you have to give them special treatment.

Mr. Moseby:
Of course. Now, why don't you just sign here for the rooms?

Daryl:
Whoa, partner. This is steep. Man, I can't believe you won't give a brother in a wheelchair a break.

Carey:
Boys, what's going on here?

Zack:
There's a dead body in that bag!

Lou:
Are these your kids?

Carey:
Are you guys cops?

Bud:
No.

Carey:
Then, yes.

Moseby:
Have fun on your vacation, Madeleine.

Maddie:
Fun? It's 20 degrees colder in Minnesota than it is here. Penguins go there and say: "wow, it's cold, let's leave".

London:
They have talking penguins there, and you still don't want to go?

Zack:
Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]

Cody:
Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]

Carey:
Bye, Maddie. [hugs her]

Zack:
[pulling Carey away and hugging Maddie again] Bye, Maddie.

Carey:
Zack, remember how we talked about people's personal space?

Zack:
Yeah, and I like Maddie's space the best.

Bud:
There they are!

Lou:
Great news! We've sold Zack and Cody!

Moseby:
Marvellous! I'll get some bubble wrap, and we'll ship them off immediately!

Bud:
No, we've sold a sitcom about twin boys living in a hotel, and you're all in it!

Moseby:
Oh! we're going to be stars!

Everyone:
Hooray!

Lou:
No, you're not, we'll hire actors to play you.

Everyone:
Oh...

Bud:
But you're all invited to Hollywood to be consultants on the show!

Everyone:
Hooray!

Lou:
But you'll have to pay your own way there.

Everyone:
Oh...

London:
We could all go in my private jet!

Everyone:
Hooray!

London:
But we're all out of salted nuts.

Everyone:
Oh...

Moseby:
I've had enough of this silliness. I'm out of here.

Everyone:
Hooray!

Moseby:
I heard that.

Mr. Moseby:
I can't believe we got kicked out-

London:
Of my own hotel. I'm calling Daddy!

Maddie:
It's not your hotel. Hello, it's a set! It's make-believe.

London:
Make me believe what?

Maddie:
That you have a brain!

Skippy:
I'll get there and back before you can say butterscotch!... But say it real slow.

London:
Butt......eeeeeeeer......scotch.

Maddie:
By the way, what exactly does this "curse" do to you?

Esteban:
Let's just say you will live your life in agonizing poverty.

Maddie:
I get that now.

Esteban:
And your skin melts off, your hair bursts into flames and your eyes pop off.

Maddie:
Eww! That would so put a damper on prom!

Maddie:
Give me the hat!

Esteban:
Aah!

Zack:
He won't hurt you!

Maddie:
Not if I have the hat!

Esteban:
Oh, no! Don't unwrap it! Who knows what it looks like after thousands of years! Aah, it hideous!

Carey:
Come here, honey, are you okay?

Cody:
Swell. I'm just a little dizzy.

Zack:
Welcome back, buddy.

Cody:
Welcome back? You left me wrapped up for hours. Where have you been? I thought you were coming right back to get me.

Zack:
Well, we did. But the mummy we took was just a doll wrapped in gauze. It was a total fake!

Dakota:
How did you find out the mummy was a fake?

Maddie:
It's a fake?

Dakota:
No.

London:
Liar, liar, cargo pants on fire! This necklace is probably plastic! Here, Maddie, you can have it.

Dakota:
Actually, the necklace is real emerald.

London:
Thanks for holding it for me, Maddie.

Carey:
If the artifacts are real, why would you have a fake mummy?

Dakota:
Because I couldn't find the real one. I spent eight years in the jungle, living on beetles and bats' blood.

All:
Eew.

Dakota:
I've found all these beautiful treasures. But nobody cares about them if I don't have some stupid mummy. It's all about the mummy... mummy, mummy, mummy!

Carey:
I think he has mummy issues.

Patrick:
Mr. Moseby, my podium is falling apart and I want a new one. I picked out a lovely one from Podium Emporium. It's mahogany, with a little holder for my spectacles!

Mr. Moseby:
Oh, it is beautiful! However, we can't afford it!

Patrick:
I'm prepared to quit!

Mr. Moseby:
I'm prepared to replace you!

Patrick:
I hate when you do that!

Zack:
24% compounded yearly means 2% compounded monthly?

Carey:
Zack, you just did math in your head!

Zack:
Wow! I did! You know, if they just put dollar signs in front of the numbers, math would be a whole lot easier.

Mr Moseby:
Patrick! The Morrocan theme is over, why are you still wearing this?

Patrick:
I find these puffy pants to be delightfully roomy! I think I'm gonna wear it to work everyday, hmm, stand in the middle of the restaurant where everyone could see them are blowing in the breeze! (Grabs the side of his pants and imitates it being blowing in the wind).

Mr Moseby:
(embarrased) Stop it *embarrased chuckle* Patrick, Right! What if I get you a new podium?

Patrick:
And a raise.

Mr Moseby:
Not gonna happen.

Patrick:
I'm prepared to quit.

Mr Moseby:
I'm prepared to replace you.

Patrick:
Podium, it is. (They shake hands and go their separate ways.')

Mr Moseby:
For my first wish...

Zack:
[to Cody in a dream, in which Zack is a successful business tycoon, and Cody works as a janitor for him] Clean this mess up, but save the confetti. Money doesn't grow on trees.

Zack's Aide:
Actually, it does. Remember, you had Zacklabs create a money tree?

Zack:
Right. Come on girls, let's go talk about how I cleaned up Wall Street while Cody just cleans up.

Carey:
Forget the test. Tests aren't important.

Zack:
Okay. Remember that next time I bring home an "F."

Mr. Moseby:
Madeline, the important thing is you did a good deed.

Maddie:
That is true. I did save 2 lives.

London:
But the Dachsund saved a cat. That's 9 lives. So they got you beat by 7.

Patrick:
OK. I'll call my kabob guy Bob, my pita guy Peter, and my couscous guy Steve.