The Vicar of Dibley, Season 1

Reverend Pottle:
Lord, we ask you to bless the members of this, thy congregation. (There are four people in the pews.) We also ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. May you bring them happiness in this life and in the next. Peace everlasting. Amen.

Alice:
Amen.

(Alice looks up to see that Reverand Pottle has apparently dozed off in the pulpit. She nudges him and then checks his pulse. He is dead.)

Alice:
Um... We now sing hymn number 16: 'The Day Thou Gavest Lord is Ended.'

(They begin to sing and carry on as Reverand Pottle slowly tilts and falls to the ground.)

(On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)

David Horton:
They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!

Hugo Horton:
I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian porno-

David Horton:
Oh for goodness sake! Shut up!

Geraldine Granger:
You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.

David Horton:
Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine Granger:
And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

David Horton:
So I see.

David Horton:
Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.

Owen Newitt:
No it isn't! She's a woman!

Geraldine Granger:
Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?

Alice:
You can call me Alice.

Geraldine:
Right.

Alice:
Because it's my name.

Geraldine:
I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

David Horton:
Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?

Jim Trott:
No no no no... I quite like that bit.

David Horton:
Let alone kiss them?

Jim Trott:
I love that bit!

Mrs Cropley:
I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley. Some very useful tips.

David Horton:
I beg your pardon?

Mrs Cropley:
Oh, gardening tips. Mellors was a game keeper. Very good at hedge control.

David Horton:
I see.

Mrs Cropley:
I thought the sex was jolly good fun as well!

David Horton:
We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?

Hugo Horton:
Oh yes. Very cheapening.

Mrs Cropley:
Utterly shallow.

Frank Pickle:
Totally ridiculous.

David Horton:
Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?

Frank Pickle:
I mean, it's gotta be a hoot, hasn't it?

Jim Trott:
[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! No no no no no no no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent!

Villager:
Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?

Jim Trott:
[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?

David Horton:
Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther Movement!

David Horton:
[delighted] I've just been told the news; what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite Rambling Syd Rumpo!

Mrs Cropley:
I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

Owen Newitt:
Filthy weather!

Jim Trott:
No, no, no I've known worse.

Owen Newitt:
Oh yes? When was that then?

Jim Trott:
The Great Storm. When the windmill got blown over.

Owen Newitt:
That wasn't The Great Storm, that was a moderately windy night! No, the really great storm... was The Great Storm.

Jim Trott:
When was that?

Owen Newitt:
When Dave Batt got decapitated.

Jim Trott:
That wasn't the great storm!

Owen Newitt:
Well, it was pretty damn great!

David Horton:
I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.

Owen Newitt:
Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that!

David Horton:
Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Geraldine:
Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Owen Newitt:
Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

Jim Trott:
You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

David Horton:
What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?

Geraldine:
I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.

David Horton:
Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.

Geraldine:
I think you'll find he did actually!

David Horton:
Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."

Geraldine:
Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?

David Horton:
You can't deny there are similarities.

Geraldine:
[Loudly] There bloody are not!

Mrs Cropley:
Nibble, Vicar? It's chocolate spread.

Geraldine:
Chocolate? You promise?

Mrs Cropley:
Yes.

Geraldine:
Alright then, I will. [Takes a bite of cake and pulls a face] Hm. Very, uh, unusual taste.

Mrs Cropley:
Yes, well I put in a bit of taramosalata as well.

Geraldine:
Did you? Would you excuse me a moment! [Runs to the bathroom.]

Geraldine:
God, I had a terrible night and my bottom had a worse one! That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleaaaagh!

Alice:
You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?

Geraldine:
Which stuff?

Alice:
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine:
Oh, yeah.

Alice:
Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.

Geraldine:
Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.

Alice:
Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.

Geraldine:
Yes?

Alice:
And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine:
Mmmm?

[pause]

Geraldine:
I'm losing you now.

Alice:
Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Geraldine:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.

Alice:
No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Geraldine:
Probably, yeah, yeah.

Alice:
Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

Geraldine:
Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.

Letitia:
The question is whether I bring the snails I've got for my new recipe.

Frank:
What recipe is that?

Letitia:
Bread and Butter Pudding Surprise

Owen:
[looking at the giant vegetable Jim has grown] Well, bugger me.

Letitia:
You know, it's time the vicar did something about your bad language.

[looks at the vegetable]

Letitia:
Ooh, it is a big bugger, though, isn't it?

8 April 1996

Owen:
You're a tit short of an udder, you are.

Geraldine:
Can I have a private talk with you?

Alice:
Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.

Geraldine:
David!

David:
Vicar! What are you doing?

Geraldine:
I'm the Easter Bunny!

David:
You can't be! I'm the Easter Bunny. I promised Letitia Cropley I'd do it.

Geraldine:
Well, so did I!

David:
Mad bat must have forgotten she'd already asked me. How demeaning! After all the time I've spent on these bloody ears! (Puts his rabbit head back on.)

Geraldine:
I must say, you look surprisingly cute in that.

David:
Shut up.

Geraldine:
What a sexy little tail! (Gives it a squeeze.)

David:
Stop that! I suggest we keep very quiet about this. You do one end of the village and I'll do the other. It will remain our secret.

Geraldine:
Fair enough. Are you sure you don't want to come back to my burrow afterwards for a bit of bunny funny business?

David:
Quite sure.

Owen:
Oh hell! Any more and we'll be able to stage a production of BLOODY WATERSHIP DOWN!!

25 December 1996

Alice:
Vicar?

Geraldine:
Mm-hm?

Alice:
What you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?

Geraldine:
Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?

Alice:
I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.

Geraldine:
Alice, my first Christmas sermon was last Christmas.

Alice:
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Geraldine:
Well, here's to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage according to Cole Porter. He should know; he was gay.

Geraldine:
And where was Jesus born?

Child:
In Dunstable.

Geraldine:
Who told you that?

Alice:
My mum told me that Jesus was born in Dunstable.

Geraldine:
In. A. Stable!

Jim:
[drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.

Geraldine:
Who's there?

Jim:
No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!

Geraldine:
[laughing] Doctor who?

Jim:
Yes!

Frank:
Very good sermon, Vicar!

Jim:
No, no, no, no, yes! I like the way you move from the superficial and facile messages of popular culture to the subtle and more complex revelations of the nativity.

Geraldine:
(to a portrait of Jesus) Listen, birthday boy. If you don't help me, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell them that you actually are Noel Edmunds.

Frank:
Lunch at one?

Geraldine:
Can we have it just a little bit earlier?

Frank:
Like when?

Geraldine:
Like in about five minutes.

(Geraldine has eaten three Christmas dinners and is at home, exhausted. The doorbell rings.)

Geraldine:
I swear, if these are Jehovah's Witnesses I'm joining. Anything to get out of this village! You try to be nice to people, they turn you into the EC turkey mountain.