The Young Ones, Series 1

Rick:
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.

Rick:
Neil, are these lentils South African?!

Neil:
well... ummm

Rick:
You Bastard! You complete and utter bastard! why dont you just go out and become a Policeman? Become a Pig? there's no difference you know?! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!

Rick:

Neil:
... well actually about £4.50 each

Rick & Mike:
£4.50?!

Rick:
I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free!

Rick:
None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say!

Vyvyan:
That's because you're very boring!

Rick:
OH! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too.

Vyvyan:
Yes, they are.

Rick:
Ha! Fallen into my trap. In that case, why isnt Cliff Richard boring, clever trouser? Tell me that!

Vyvyan:
*Stands up and hits Rick's head on the table*

Vyvyan:
I've been down the morgue! ... I got a leg!

Mike:
Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual.

Vyvyan:
No look! I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

Rick:
I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster!

Vyvyan:
Okay, I'll change it, then! Hello Cliff Richard!

Rick:
Bastard!

Special Patrol Group:
I could murder a curry! [farts and flies across the basement]

Vyvyan:
Poor Special Patrol Group.

Rick:
What's poor about him?

Vyvyan:
It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.

Rick:
[To Vyvyan] Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee!

Vyvyan:
I thought you were dead!

Neil:
That's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

Neil:
What are you doing with my crucifix, Rick?

Rick:
Protesting!

Neil:
I don't wanna bring you down or anything, but I think that is a really negative way to try and kill yourself, I mean I tried it hundreds of times, there's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

Vyvyan:
We had a front door at the last house.

Rick:
Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!

Mike:
Rick, it had to be done.

Vyvyan:
Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

Statue:
More bloody students...

Sunflower:
Oh shut up, and put some clothes on.

[Rick demands an explaination as to why Vyvyan removed the toilet from the bathroom and threw it out the living room window]

Vyvyan:
It's a well-known fact that you don't have to pay as much rent for a house with an outside lavvy!

Rick:
Ahh... you know what Vyvyan, I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!

Vyvyan:
Shut your face, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat]

Rick:
Hah! Missed both my legs! [grimaces]

Vyvyan:
[smacks Rick in the head with the bat] SHUT UP!

Rick:
Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?

Mike:
Uncanny!

[Rick walks into his room to find that it has indeed been turned into a roller disco.]

Rick:
[Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!

Mike:
Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.

Rick:
Bastard!

Title Card:
Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs

Cloth:
Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes.

Brush:
And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads.

Polish Spray:
Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was!

Brush:
Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!

Mike:
Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.

Alexei:
[the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?

Mike:
You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?

Alexei:
Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.

Mike:
It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.

Rick:
I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.

Neil:
[despondently] Oh, uh. Okay Rick. [Audience awws]

Rick:
What?

Neil:
What?

Rick:
What did you just say?

Neil:
Huh?

Rick:
You just called me a bastard didn't you!

Mike:
Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.

Rick:
: What are you doing, Vyvyan?

Vyvyan:
: I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.

Rick:
: Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan:
Why not?

Rick:
It's only nine words.

Vyvyan:
[writing] Corn...flakes!

Rick:
: [to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?

Suggs:
: You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.

Rick:
: [taken aback] I'll go sit over there...

Rick:
Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!

Neil:
Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!

Vyvyan's Mum:
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Vyvyan:
Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...

Neil:
Hello.

Vyvyan:
And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.

Rick:
[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.

Vyvyan's Mum:
Ooh-ah. He is a bastard, isn't he?

Rick:
Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?

(Vyvyan punches Rick in the face, knocking him out of his chair and onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]

Vyvyan:
Neil, want to see my new trick? [Neil meditates]

Vyvyan:
Oh, Mike, do you want to see my new trick?

Mike:
No, I'm busy with the paper.

Vyvyan:
Rick?

Rick:
No I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]

Vyvyan:
Look! Watch my trick you bastard or I'll kill you!!! Brilliant, hey!.. Oh, dear. Wrong finger... Arrrrrhhhh, ah, ah, ah, arrrgghhhh!

Neil:
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!

Policeman 1:
I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.

Policeman 2:
That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.

Policeman 1:
Yeah, I know she's Catholic, but I didn't know the Pope was.

Policeman 2:
It's a laugh, though, innit?

Policeman 1:
What?

Policeman 2:
That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.

Policeman 1:
Yeah. Yeah, that's a laugh.

Papa Bear:
Who's been gobbing in my lentils?

Mama Bear and Baby Bear:
Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?

Papa Bear:
Sod it. Let's go to McDonald's.

Mama Bear and Baby Bear:
Yes!

Rick:
Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?

Vyvyan:
That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.

Rick:
What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? Tht's boring.

Vyvyan:
You have won second prize in a beauty contest...

[Rick Laughs]

Vyvyan:
...smash Rick over the head with the bank!

[Vyvyan attacks Rick]

Rick:
It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!

Vyvyan:
Mike?

Mike:
No, he's right, Rick: that's exactly what it says.

Rick:
In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!

Vyvyan:
But we have to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!

Rick:
Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.

Vyvyan:
Good one!

Rick:
Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!

Vyvyan:
I WAS BORED!

Mike:
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.

Vyvyan's Mum:
So, dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?

Vyvyan:
Well...

Vyvyan's Mum:
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.

Ftumch:
At least you have a chance. No one ever says my name. No one ever says 'Ftumch'. Why couldn't I be called 'William'?

Orgo:
I don't know...

Rick:
Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs.

Rick:
Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodourant? There's a revolting hair on it, and it's not one of mine!

Vyvyan:
How do you know?

Rick:
Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit]

Vyvyan:
Not the ones on your bum you can't.

Rick:
Aha, caught you Vyvyan, using my ketchup on your cornflakes!

Vyvyan:
Well I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.

Rick:
Why, what are you, a spazzy?

Vyvyan:
No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.

[A test card is on every television channel]

Rick:
Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!

Mike:
We don't.

Rick:
But, haven't we got a license?

Mike:
No.

Rick:
But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!

Vyvyan:
What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?

Rick:
[look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?

Vyvyan:
Not if you haven't got a bottom.

Mike:
Vyv! Eat the telly!

Vyvyan:
I've been waiting for this!

Right Bleedin' Bastard sees the television cable hanging out of Vyv's mouth

Mr Bastard:
Ah ha! So you do have it, you little runt!

Vyvyan:
[waving] Hello.

Mr Bastard:
The old trick eh? Eat the telly before i get a chance to nick yer.

Vyvyan:
[pointing at the cable] It's a toaster.

Rick:
Okay! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Okay! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player]

Policeman 1:
Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining.

Dr. Jim Morrison:
Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd?

Rick:
That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.

Anarchist:
Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.

Rick:
Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em.

Anarchist:
I mean a police car, you terminal wally!

Rick:
[trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?

Vyvyan:
[pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!

Rick:
[laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!

Mr. Balowski:
There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?

Mike:
No.

Mr. Balowski:
I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.

Sue:
Goodness, is that the time?

Vyvyan:
No, the clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round. It's only really half past seven.

Neil:
It was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.

Vyvyan:
Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.

Neil:
What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!

Rick:
God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.

[Neil announces he's doing an inventory of the kitchen]

Rick:
Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!

Vyvyan:
Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?

Rick:
Yes.

Vyvyan:
[mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!

[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]

Vyvyan:
My potion! Don't forget my potion!

Neil:
What potion?

Vyvyan:
It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!

Neil:
[Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?

Vyvyan:
Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!

Neil:
[with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and becomes an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!

Rick:
O yes, I think so too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]

Mike:
Hey, Neil.

Neil:
Yes, Mike?

Mike:
Come over here.

Neil:
You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?

Mike:
No, I don't.

Neil:
Oh.

Mike:
Where's my breakfast?

Vyvyan:
Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!

Neil:
Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!

Mike:
So why haven't you gone?

Neil:
Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!

Rick:
There's plenty of money in the kitty!

Neil:
Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?

Vyvyan:
[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!

Rick:
[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!

Mr. Balowski:
Heerrree's Jerzei!

Rick:
It's Mr. Balowski!

Vyvyan:
How did he get in here?

Neil:
Well, you could eat him instead, actually.

Mr. Balowski:
Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!

Rick:
Oh, my God! He's turned into a axe-wielding homicidal maniac!

Vyvyan:
That I don't know! But when the council comes to demolish the house tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it already demolished form within!

Mike:
I'll handle this.

Rick:
I'll handle this!

Vyvyan:
I'll handle this!

Neil:
I can't handle this.

TV Set:
And don't forget to unplug your set.

Vyvyan:
Why?

TV Set:
'Cause it'll blow up you silly boy.

[Neil, Vyvyan and Rick are digging in the basement for oil. Unlike Rick and Neil who are using pickaxes, Vyvyan is using his head whilst wearing a helmet.]

Neil:
Oh, sorry, Vyv.

[Vyvyan slowly stands up only to have the pickaxe right through his head.]

Vyvyan:
[calmly] That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later [faints].

Vyvyan:
[to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.

Mike:
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!

Vyvyan:
Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?

Rick:
I just knew you were gonna say that!

Vyvyan:
That's a complete lie, you poof!

Rick:
I knew you were gonna say that too!

[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]

Vyvyan:
You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!

Rick:
(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]

Mike:
Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?

Vyvyan:
(pause) No.

Mike:
Oh, good. Would you swear to that?

Vyvyan:
Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!

Mike:
I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.

Neil:
Well, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...

[Right on cue, Vyvyan crashes through the kitchen wall on a wrecking ball trying to set off the bomb. He then enters the kitchen a moment later.]

Vyvyan:
Missed!

[When Rick is asking who ate his apple.]

Vyvyan:
What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?!

Rick:
If he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike?

Mike:
Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original.

Rick:
What's that supposed to mean?

Mike:
I don't know.

[When Vyvyan visits Narnia and sees the White Witch and the driver, Shirley.]

Witch:
Come, sit next to me, child. [Vyvyan sits on the sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. Eurgh! Who's farted?

Vyvyan:
It's not me!

Shirley:
That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!

Vyvyan:
Who says?

Shirley:
For a month!

Vyvyan:
Who says?!

Shirley:
[weakly] She does.

Witch:
I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!

Vyvyan:
'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?

Shirley:
It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!

Vyvyan:
Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!

Witch:
Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?

Vyvyan:
Not particularly. You got any kebabs?