Top Gear, Series 7

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?

Jeremy:
"Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing the 7th series)

[on the Stig]

Richard:
Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]

Jeremy:
Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...

(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)

Jeremy:
It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?

(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")

Jeremy:
No, not Top Queer...

(Audience laughs, followed by applause)

Jeremy:
...though that's very good.

Richard:
That's very good.

Jeremy:
That's better than what they've come up with.

Richard:
It is actually better.

Jeremy:
They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."

(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)

Jeremy:
I like Top Queer more!

Richard:
Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.

Jeremy:
The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...

Richard:
Did you?

Jeremy:
Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)

Richard:
Oh come on! It's not-

Jeremy:
No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...

Richard:
Well yeah I do-

Jeremy:
He's got a 4x4.

Richard:
Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?

Jeremy:
He's got a dog!

Richard:
Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!

Jeremy:
He's had his teeth whitened.

Richard:
I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!

Jeremy:
What they just become white?

Richard:
In the same way that yours have gone green!

[Jeremy laughs]

Richard:
It just happens to your teeth!

Jeremy:
Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...

[Richard laughs]

Jeremy:
...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"

Richard:
Thank you!

[also during the news]

Jeremy:
Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.

Richard:
Yeah, good question.

Jeremy:
So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.

[How reliable is your car]

James:
Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.

Jeremy:
Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.

[When asking the audience]

Jeremy:
What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]

Jeremy:
And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...

[struggling to make a space on the board]

Jeremy:
...there. In front of a Corvette.

James:
Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].

Jeremy:
Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.

[on the Porsche Cayman]

Jeremy:
It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Coxster!

[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]

Jeremy:
I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."

Richard:
[Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!

James:
[as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.

[the car advances]

James:
[into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]

Richard:
Sorry.

[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]

James:
NO!

Richard:
Sorry.

Richard:
[Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.

[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]

Jeremy:
OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!

James:
It's floating!

Jeremy:
No it's not floating, James. It's flying!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy:
There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.

Richard:
That's amazing! Is it expensive?

Jeremy:
Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.

Richard:
Really?

Jeremy:
£60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won-I've got it here-in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"

Richard:
Wow! Can I touch it?

Jeremy:
What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!

Richard:
Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?

Jeremy:
Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.

Richard:
Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...

Jeremy:
It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.

Richard:
So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?

Jeremy:
[to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!

Richard:
Nothing!

Jeremy:
And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...

Richard:
Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the forty-seventh time today.

[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]

Richard:
How can he need more?

James:
Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?

[Richard laughs]

James:
...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?

[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]

[Jeremy wanders over]

Jeremy:
James, I've run out of money.

James:
Have you... what an interesting predicament.

Jeremy:
[quietly] Please can I borrow some money.

Richard:
I'm not- we're not bailing you out!

James:
You want me to pay for your petrol?

Jeremy:
Yes!

James:
Right, the nation is observing...

Jeremy:
[wandering off] I haven't got any money...

James:
...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.

Richard:
[on multiple occasions] I have not had my teeth whitened!

Richard:
[driving his Zonda in Paris] Don't scratch it!

Richard:
[driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!

Richard:
[on Jeremy's Ford GT and its literally useless luggage compartment] The boot is there... purely to accommodate the boot lid!

James:
Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth.

[driving his Ferrari - surprisingly quickly - in southern France]

James:
Here comes Captain Slow!

Jeremy:
No American who designed that chassis [pointing to his Ford GT] is even half-aware that a road like this exists. If you brought an American here he would die of shock!

Jeremy:
And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest, it's the fastest, and it has the best fuel economy! Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?

Jeremy:
You can't rationalise cars like this. They're not something you buy with your head, you buy them with your heart, because you love them, and who could explain love? [...] That's ok, that we can't agree, because if you remember, we didn't come all the way through France to find the best supercar. We came here for that. This is the Millau Bridge. At a thousand feet, it's the tallest bridge in the world. It's so tall you could put Canary Wharf underneath the roadway. It's clever too, because it rises and falls by as much as ten feet, depending on the temperature and the season. It is a magnificent achievement. So what does it have to do with our big, heavy, thirsty, expensive cars? That is a supercar in the same way that that is a superbridge. They could've built it lower down with some RSJs and some planks of wood, but they didn't. They built something amazing, something astonishing, something wonderful, they went berserk.This bridge, then, like the cars that brought us here, is an example of humans doing what humans do: pushing boundaries, pushing ourselves, taking something that can't be done - and then doing it.

[reading the French President's remarks on the Millau Bridge]

Jeremy:
"A modern France, an enterprising, successful France, a France which invests in the future..." - He forgot to mention the fact, that the architect was British!

[On the Ford Focus ST]

Jeremy:
ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)

Jeremy:
[On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.

Jeremy:
We're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight because we're going to put a Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car. He is the Minister for Transport, which means he is the Minister for Speed Cameras. No, no, no, no, no! This is the BBC, we will treat him with respect and impartiality! So, please welcome Beelzebub himself, Dr. Stephen Ladyman!

Stephen:
[On the speed Camera] We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them, and we put a big sign to tell you where they are coming. And we even printed a list on the internet. If you still got caught, whose fault is that?

Jeremy:
You are the one with 9 points, and I haven't got any...

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Which is faster, a Renault or a bicycle? Ellen MacArthur sets sail round our track; And how much supercar do you get for 10,000 pounds?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On Richard's "Fake" Ferrari (a Dino 308)]

Jeremy:
There's no point going "I've bought my shirt at 'George' " [the ASDA-Walmart in-house clothing brand]; it's from ASDA! You've bought a 'George' car!

[Seeing James arriving on the scene with an AA truck, complete with the Lamborghini Urraco strapped to the truck's bed]

Jeremy:
James had bought an AA truck! [Jeremy and Richard began to dissolve into laughter, as James hops off from the truck] James, we told you to buy a mid-engined, Italian supercar, not a truck.

[Beginning the challenge]

Richard:
Your Seventies supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol to "Spearmint Rhino", in Slough.

Jeremy:
That's a lap-dancing club.

Richard:
[apparently puzzled] Is it?

Jeremy:
[mocks his attempt to appear innocent] Oh, you don't know...?!

James:
[to a pedestrian] Eh? No it's not a kit car, it's a Lamborghini... Philistine!

(When they are performing the challenge of parking in Marlborough)

Jeremy (Hammond is attempting to park):
Are you, uh, looking where you're going or using the force

[...]

Richard (Clarkson is attempting to park):
Is it ... Is it heavy, mate?

Jeremy:
Oooooh.

[...]

(May is fetching his car)

Jeremy (voiceover):
Because James' car is so big and hard to see out of, we decided to "help" him out a little.

(Jeremy is moving one of the cars)

Richard:
You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius.

[on his Lamborghini's chronic electrical problems]

James:
The Italians invented electricity, as we all know.

[asked if his Lambo' had broken down]

James:
No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity.

[on his Lambo]

James:
Right, the battery is discharging, the oil temperature is very high, the oil pressure is very low, the engine temperature is off the end of the scale, I'm running out of petrol... but the clock is correct!

[after Richard's Dino has been tested against its original output on a rolling road]

Jeremy:
Sixty-one Horsepower has escaped; that's how many a year?

James:
Think of it another way, that's a... that's a VW Lupo that has escaped from your engine!

[In Lisbon, about the full-face helmeted downhill biker he was about to race in a Renault Clio]

James:
Now all that was left was to psyche out [Darth Vader].

James:
It does still look a bit like the inside of Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit in here.

[After losing a race to a downhill biker in Lisbon]

James:
Permission to say "Oh, cock" on BBC Two.

[Back in the studio after the first part of the Cheap Car Challenge...]

Jeremy:
We're going to be picking that up later on, but for now, it's time to update our "ITALIAN MID-ENGINED SUPERCARS FOR LESS THAN A SECOND-HAND MONDEO CHALLENGE"...

Richard:
...chart!

[on the Italian supercar challenge]

Jeremy:
[...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.

Richard:
A year?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Richard:
For a Maserati?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Richard:
Don't be ridiculous!

Jeremy:
No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.

James:
Yeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.

Jeremy:
Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]

[Jeremy has won two points for making his insurance quote two-hundred under the £500 bench-mark.]

Jeremy:
Two points - for being a doctor!

Richard:
I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]

Jeremy:
You see...

Richard:
I've done two.

James:
[scoffs] Two hundred.

Jeremy:
Anyway, what was your quote?

Richard:
Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...

Jeremy:
No, what was your insurance quote?

Richard:
Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.

Jeremy:
That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.

Richard:
I have not... had... my teeth whi- I just haven't!

Richard:
So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.

Jeremy:
Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!

James:
Now I was honest, and I said - "I'm a journalist, AND a broadcaster..."

Jeremy:
And I bet you told them you live in London as well?

James:
Yes, that's right - y'know, Single, car parked on the street, live in an area of London that's usually on fire...

Jeremy:
So your quote was...

James:
[dramatic pause for breath] Five thousand pounds! [for which he loses a massive 45 points]

[general laughter and an almost sympathetic bout of one-upmanship by Jeremy recounting a previous quote for £22000 on an Escort Cosworth worth "only" £19000]

[Jeremy driving a timed lap at Castle Coombe Race Circuit in his Maserati Merak]

Jeremy:
4,000 RPM! And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give!

Richard:
That car is...

Jeremy:
Why won't you rev?!

Richard:
...an appalling heap of junk.

[After they declared no one won the challenge]

Jeremy:
But no matter, we did end up with a "Top Gear Top Tip", okay? Yes, you can buy a supercar for less than ten thousand pounds, but for the love of God, don't!!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: We drive the new Bugatti in Italy; we drive the new Bugatti in Switzerland and France; and we drive the new Bugatti in London.

[After Hammond's review of the Marcos TSO]

Jeremy:
[opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?

Richard:
Erm...

Jeremy:
[showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.

Richard:
It's a plant! It's a plant!

Jeremy:
It was just a theory until a moment ago...

[on the Stig]

Richard:
Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard:
Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]

James:
[leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is haute couture in rallying circles.

[On the News]

Jeremy:
A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover.

[Introducing Nigel Mansell]

Jeremy:
He was the Formula 1 world champion and the American Indy car champion at the same time, and he was also Britain's highest paid sportsman, and he achieved all this despite being born with a moustache.

[on Nigel Mansell's moustache]

Jeremy:
I always thought it was interchangeable with your eyebrows.

[Starting off the car vs. plane race]

James:
Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.

Jeremy:
So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.

[in May's Cessna 182.]

Richard:
We've got no bloody forks!

James:
Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...

Richard:
I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

[on May's Cessna 182.]

Jeremy:
What's it called?

Richard:
[to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.

Jeremy:
Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.

Jeremy:
That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button. World's going backwards!

[on the phone with an insurance company]

Jeremy:
Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?

[after the above attempt failed]

Jeremy:
I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.

[on the Veyron]

Jeremy:
Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!

James:
YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! [after arriving at the destination for the Veyron vs. Plane race to find Jeremy had already arrived about a minute earlier]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard:
A dog oversteers, which is more fun...

Jeremy:
...than an understeering hyena.

Richard:
So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.

Jeremy:
OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...

Richard:
Uugghh...

Jeremy:
...the Ssangyong Rodius...

[shouts of disgust from the audience]

Jeremy:
...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!

[more shouts from the audience]

Jeremy:
That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!

[On "best noise of the year"]

James:
That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.

Jeremy:
"If it's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship. And I'm dictating that the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is the winner!" (the 2005 TG Awards)

Jeremy:
The next award is for the Gas Guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: The Range Rover sport, which achieved eight miles to the gallon. The Bugatti Veyron, which achieved four miles to the gallon. And Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel, didn't move an inch!

[while playing Gran Turismo 4]

Jeremy:
I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.

James:
[on a Mercedes styled to look like a fish] It's been out on an industrial state in Surrey, where's it's done ten miles an hour!

[During the parking challenge in Marlborough]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Then it was James' turn and because his Lambo was very long and very hard to see out of, we waited for him to go and fetch it, and then...helped him out a little bit.

[Richard sees Jeremy moving one of the cars, so the parking space is significantly shorter]

Richard:
You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius!