Top Gear, Series 9

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Jaguar's supercharged XKR vs. its twin sister; why do road-works take so long? And Jamie Oliver prepares a delicious lap in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[Upon starting the new series]

Jeremy:
Now there is actually a problem, really, because, obviously, one of us blokes has now become Princess Diana!

[referring to Richard's comeback to the studio]

Jeremy:
...and here's something I never thought I'd be saying at one point, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Richard Hammond!

[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]

Richard:
That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!

[on Richard's return]

Jeremy:
Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?

Richard:
No!

[the audience laughs]

Richard:
I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?

James:
I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.

Richard:
That's all I've had for four months...

James:
What? Tissues?

Richard:
No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.

Jeremy:
Are you the same person that you were before?

Richard:
Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.

Jeremy:
So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?

Richard:
Yes...

James:
And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?

Richard:
Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.

Jeremy:
I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.

Richard:
Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[moments before his dragster crash]

Richard:
When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]

Richard:
I don't wanna be upside down!

[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]

Richard:
Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... [the audience applauds wildly and Jeremy pauses for a short moment]... [laughing] all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
...how hard can it be?

Richard:
Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"

[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]

Richard:
Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?

[observing the approach of a storm]

Jeremy:
In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"

[speaking over a bull horn to the men of the D5481]

Jeremy:
The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!

[on the Jaguar XKR]

Jeremy:
...while it doesn't have a shed load of power, it is still quite fast. You passed sixty miles an hour in 4.9 seconds. You passed a hundred in thirteen seconds, and that's good... but imagine how good it would be if it had more power!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Hugh Grant stars in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out... by playing golf.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!

James:
This is Germany, there are procedures to go through... I like procedures.

James:
It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired, he's slower than me!

James:
This is a road car, and I'm up to 404... 405, come on!

James:
[after hearing it's now illegal to retune a radio while driving] I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper, and having a crash... deliberately... to end it.

Richard:
Wow! A TVR band! So presumably they play really loud, really fast and then burst into flames!

[while Jeremy is speaking before the panel of experts]

James:
Oh look, I found Jeremy's notes: Trousers, fat, Hitler, Teige, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism.

James:
[in the museum gift shop, as a general question] Do you have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

Jeremy:
You went to art school-you should be good at this.

Richard:
Did you go to art school?

Jeremy:
No I didn't.

Richard:
Then you wouldn't know. All you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

[to Richard on speaking before the museum experts]

Jeremy:
Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars, we made a convertible people carrier, I've raced you to Oslo... this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Jeremy:
That's the inside of the Mazda... that's not Bauhaus. That's my trousers.

Museum Expert:
What does it symbolize?

Jeremy:
The Audi?

Museum Expert:
Yes.

Jeremy:
It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

Listed as the Top Gear:
US Special

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

Simon:
[timidly] Help!

[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]

Jeremy:
... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.

Richard:
Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.

Jeremy:
There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]

Richard:
It's possibly the ultimate 911.

Jeremy:
In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?

Richard:
Well, it's a roll cage.

Jeremy:
No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]

James:
So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.

Richard:
No mate, it's just not.

James:
Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.

Richard:
OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]

[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]

Jeremy:
[Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.

James:
Stop driving or you'll go blind.

Jeremy:
Exactly!

[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]

Jeremy:
"You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)

[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]

Jeremy:
What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?

Guy in the audience:
Germans!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy:
Germans.

Richard:
These are all valid, valid points.

Jeremy:
None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?

Another guy in the audience:
Peasants!

Both (laughing):
Peasants.

Jeremy:
No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.

[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]

Jeremy:
Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.

Simon:
I am a bit.

Jeremy:
Star Wars, in particular.

Simon:
Yeah absolutely.

Jeremy:
Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?

[Simon giving his explanations]

Simon:
And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.

Jeremy:
Homosexual men have willies.

Simon:
He's sexually non-threatening.

Jeremy:
Graham Norton's got a willy.

Simon:
How do you know?

[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]

Jeremy:
Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.

[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]

James:
That's why...

Richard:
How are we going to use it again?

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in response to Richard pulling the "Top Gear Production Office"; a prefabricated building with no wheels in the tractor drag race]

Jeremy:
Again, good effort. But, to my mind, still lacking... ambition!

[Camera cuts to show Jeremy's tractor, pulling the modified Boeing 747-236B used in Casino Royale while Kasabian's 'The Doberman' plays in the background]

[the trio debate Clarkson's haircut]

James:
I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".

Jeremy:
I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.

James:
So why didn't you?

Jeremy:
SHUT UP!

Jeremy:
So, this Maserati. What’s it got under the bonnet?

James:
Well, there is a 4.2 V8…

Jeremy:
Same as the old one?

May:
Yep. 405 HP, automatic gearbox. It’s gonna be £73.000…

Jeremy:
I think it looks absolutely stunning. And if you are thinking of buying something like Aston DB9, now that’s the alternative.

Jeremy:
...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]

Jeremy:
[chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

[during the second tractor challenge]

Jeremy:
Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!

Richard:
Jeremy... the slowest wins.

Jeremy:
Rubbish!

[on James' small Fiat Panda]

James:
He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".

Richard:
There's only 2 knobs in it, well, 3 if you count the one who bought it.

Jeremy:
[on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle HEAD to spend that!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!

James:
Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?

Jeremy:
[pointing at Richard] He does.

Richard:
Yes, all right. I just knew...

James:
All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]

Jeremy:
I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?

James:
Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!

Richard:
Just measure them?

James:
So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."

Richard:
So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -

Jeremy:
No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.

Richard:
Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.

[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]

Jeremy:
The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.

James:
Carpets'll be nice.

Richard:
Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.

Jeremy:
Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".

James:
[bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "

Jeremy:
"... I make nice special price."

James:
"Special price."

[on the Stig]

Richard:
Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
[on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

Richard:
Oh... my God.

Jeremy:
[proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.

Richard:
[impressed] That is a big Panda.

[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]

James:
It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.

Richard:
What does this do?

James:
No, don't pull that - !

Jeremy:
[losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!

James:
Hammond's unlocked the steering!

Richard:
Sorry!

James:
You're in the wrong end, you idiot!

[...]

James:
You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.

[testing Hammond's stretched MG]

Jeremy:
Where is the heater?

Richard:
Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!

Jeremy:
You're the stupidest man I've ever met.

[on his stretched Fiat Panda]

Jeremy:
I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!

Lemar:
(to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.

[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]

James:
The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

James:
Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

Richard:
We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.

Jeremy:
So you did 314 mph?

Richard:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?

Richard:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?

[Richard looks sheepish]

Richard:
I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and... [general laughter]

[during the roadworks, Jeremy is playing Margaret Thatcher's speeches on the loudspeaker]

Jeremy:
(voiceover) At 4 am, there were still 700 yards to go, and the men were flagging. So, I brought out the motivational big gun.

Margaret Thatcher:
(over loudspeakers) ...another winter of discontent.

Richard:
This is... Thatcher? To motivate the men?

Jeremy:
This is going well.

Thatcher:
(over loudspeakers) ...and I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.

James:
Yes! I like that one! (applauds)

Richard:
Don't, you'll encourage him!

Jeremy:
(voiceover) The chaps, however, were not Telegraph readers like James. So I promised them that the sooner they finished laying, the sooner I'd switch her off.