Zoey 101, Season 1

Zoey:
How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?

(A few raise their hands)

Zoey:
How many of you would say you're good at basketball?

Quinn:
Um, I once made a basketball explode!

Zoey:
(to Chase after he throws an old sandwich out the window) My hero.

Dana:
Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!

Nicole:
Works for me.

Nicole:
Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl on our team who can play this game?

Coach:
I think everyone here has noticed it.

Nicole:
But that's my stuff! (Dana glares at her) That I'll be moving.

Chase:
Better be going. Oh, and be careful.

Zoey:
Why be careful?

Chase:
Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.

Zoey:
Like hanging your bike from a tree?

Chase:
Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.

Zoey:
Later.

Chase:
Oh, and I forgot to say, "Welcome to PCA".

Zoey:
Go save your bike.

Chase:
Right.

Zoey:
Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.

Logan:
You serious?

Nicole:
Zoey!

Zoey:
I'm serious.

Logan:
Good. This Friday?

Zoey:
Why not?

Logan:
Then, you're on!

Zoey:
Good!

Michael:
Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.

Chase:
And cake.

Zoey:
Oh, so you guys just want pizza.

Chase:
And cake!

Logan:
Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.

Zoey:
And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!

Dana:
Can I play?

Zoey:
Um, we kind of already have a full team.

Quinn:
Bye!

Zoey:
I guess you're in.

Nicole:
You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"

Quinn:
Is "Suckish" a word?

Logan:
Hope you girls have learned your lesson!

Coach:
I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?

Dustin:
Psst, Zoey, psst!

Zoey:
Dustin?

Dustin:
Good Luck! But I can't root for you.

Zoey:
Why not?

Dustin:
Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!

Zoey:
Don't let them scare you!

Dustin:
Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!

Nicole:
(about the urinal) Why is it here?

Zoey:
Because this used to be a boy's dorm.

Nicole:
Well, it creeps me out.

Zoey:
You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.

Nicole:
Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it?

Chase:
(points to Jim)...Jim

Zoey:
That's the gym?

Chase:
Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!

Zoey:
'Sup Jim! I like Jim.

Chase:
Jim's good people.

Nicole:
You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!

Zoey:
No, you're not.

Nicole:
Okay.

Zoey:
You play sports?

Nicole:
Is shopping a sport?

Zoey:
No.

Nicole:
Then, no.

Dana:
It's my bed.

Nicole:
It's my head.

Zoey:
Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!

dana':
well

'nicole:
well

dana':
the perfect roomate has spoken

zoey:
i didn't say i was perfect

dana:
good cause you annoy us too sometimes

zoey:
yeah like how?

dana:
you always forget your key

nocole':
yes

zoey:
so

dana:
so its anoying to have to let you in all the time. im zoey i forgot my key

nocole':
im zoey i locked my self out please let me in

Zoey:
Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!

Michael:
Save me!

Chase:
From what?

Michael:
(Points to Quinn) From that!

Zoey:
Maybe you could hang out with me and my roommates sometime!

Quinn:
Aren't they the ones always fighting?

Chase:
Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . . .

Zoey:
(laughs) I like fooseball.

Chase:
Yeah, Fooseball's cool.

Zoey:
(to Nicole and Dana) What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?

Nicole:
We have to be at class by 8!

Dana:
Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!

Quinn:
It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."

Zoey:
Oh, that's very . . . "Quinnteresting"!

Zoey:
Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."

Chase:
"Quinnventions"?

Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "Inventions."

Chase:
Ah! So she's... "Quinnsane"!

Michael:
'Sup Chase?

Chase:
Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)

Michael:
Whose the rose for?

Chase:
Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.

Michael:
That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?

Chase:
That's an idea!!

Chase:
Look, don't tell Logan.

Zoey:
So, you want to see if my food is happy?

Quinn:
Happy, sad, angry, frightened...

Chase:
I'm frightened!

Zoey:
Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!

Quinn:
Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?

Zoey:
I don't iron my underwear.

Quinn:
Whatever.

Dana:
Yeah, she's a good one!

Zoey:
At least we don't fight all the time!

Dana:
Neither do we.

Nicole:
Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.

Dana:
(puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!

Zoey:
That's good for you. Bye!

Dana:
(Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!

Nicole:
Slob!

Dana:
Jerk!

Nicole:
UGHH!!!

Zoey:
Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.

Dustin:
What about you?

Chase:
Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!

Dustin:
What did he say?

Zoey:
No!

Nicole:
Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?

Quinn:
How do you play?

Zoey:
Okay, so you roll the dice...

Quinn:
Yeah...

Dana:
And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...

Nicole:
And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.

Quinn:
Like eat a poisonous bug?

Zoey:
Stressful... not lethal.

Logan:
'Sup ladies!

Zoey:
We were just talking about you.

Logan:
Can't blame you.

Zoey:
You're working with Logan now?

Chase:
Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.

Logan:
I'm training you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.

Zoey:
Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!

Quinn:
Logan's such a jerk.

Nicole:
A very cute jerk.

Zoey:
(on cell phone in phony Southern accent) Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.

Mr. Callahan:
Um, I didn't order any mustard.

Zoey:
Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.

Mr. Callahan:
Who could eat that much mustard?

Zoey:
That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?

Mr. Callahan:
But I don't even like mustard!

Zoey:
Then, why'd you order so much?

Mr. Callahan:
I didn't...

Zoey:
Why would I spread rumors about myself?

Nicole:
To trick us!

Zoey:
Nicole!

Chase:
Hey, Kazu!

Kazu:
You're late!

Chase:
I'm 10 minutes early!

Kazu:
No back sass!

Chase:
Okay... just put the knife down!

Quinn:
(scans bear) That jerk!

Zoey:
What?

Quinn:
Let's go!

(Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)

Zoey:
Well?

Quinn:
That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!

Nicole:
I knew it! What does that mean?

Zoey:
In English?

Quinn:
There's a webcam in that bear!

Nicole:
I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.

Zoey:
Did you have anything to do with it?

Chase:
Uh, come in?

Zoey:
Did you put a camera in a bear?

Chase:
I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.

Zoey:
Chase.

Chase:
Will you just tell me what's going on here?

Zoey:
That bear you and Logan gave us, it's got a webcam in it.

Chase:
What?!

Zoey:
Don't act like you don't know.

Chase:
I'm not acting. Zoey.

Zoey:
Where's Logan's computer?

Chase:
Over there.

Zoey:
Hey, sushi's here!

Nicole:
Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!

Chase:
Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.

Zoey:
Kazu?

Chase:
Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...

Kazu:
Aha! I knew it!

Chase:
Kazu!

Kazu:
You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!

Chase:
Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.

Kazu:
Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...

Zoey:
Quinn, next card!

Kazu:
Expelled! You will be expelled!

Chase:
Expelled?!

Kazu:
You're going to prison!

Nicole:
No!

(Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)

Zoey:
I'm sorry, I panicked!

Chase:
He's out cold.

Zoey:
Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!

Chase:
No, nobody's getting expelled!

Nicole:
But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!

Chase:
Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!

Zoey:
Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!

Chase:
Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!

Zoey:
We'll drive him... to Mexico!

Logan:
Did she say, "Mexico"?

Michael:
Si!

Nicole:
But what if the Dean finds out?

Zoey:
She has a point.

Chase:
Hey... he didn't see who hit him!

Zoey:
Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!

Logan:
Me?!

Chase:
Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!

Logan:
They're gonna blame everything on me!

Michael:
I heard.

Zoey:
Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.

Nicole:
I got the duct tape!

Logan:
I gotta do something!

Michael:
Ok, you go get the Dean.

Logan:
I'm not gonna let Chase and those crazy girls frame me.

Michael:
You go get em, man.

Logan:
Kazu, I can explain.

Kazu:
So can I, you're fired! (chuckles) I feel like Donald Trump.

Logan:
But, you got whacked in the head with a vase.

Kazu:
What?

Chase:
You gotta hide Elvis.

Nicole:
Who's Elvis?

Chase:
Our dog!

Zoey:
Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?

Chase:
Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.

Michael:
But our DA smelled a dog!

Chase:
DA, short for Dorm Adviser.

Zoey:
I know.

Chase:
OK...that's short for okay

Zoey:
Stop it!

Michael:
Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.

Chase:
(To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?

Zoey:
No, not by a big, dumb bully.

Chase:
Well, then, maybe it's time. (he starts giving her noogies) Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.

Zoey:
Quit it!

Chase:
Give me your lunch money or I'll.... (Zoey bites his arm) Oww, did you bite me?

Zoey:
Maybe.

Chase:
Oh, it's on.

Chase:
You're fast!

Zoey:
Maybe you're just slow.

Chase:
Harsh.

Herb:
Close the door and sit down. I am very upset with you, Mr. Finch.

Keith:
You're not the principal.

Herb:
No back sass!

Keith:
Who are you?

Herb:
I happen to be the Dean of Discipline.

Keith:
Dean of--

Herb:
Stop speaking!

Keith:
OK.

Herb:
I understand you've been harassing some of the younger students. Is that correct?

Keith:
Well, I--

Herb:
Don't even think about lying!

Keith:
Yeah, I guess I have.

Herb:
You guess?!

Keith:
Yes!

Herb:
Yes what? Come on, say it, Finch. Tell me!

Keith:
I-I-I pick on people.

Herb:
You mean you used to?

Keith:
Huh?

Herb:
If I ever hear of you bothering any student on the PCA campus, especially younger ones, I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand me?!?!

Keith:
Yes, sir, except for the giraffe part.

Herb:
Get out!

Keith:
Yes sir!"

Zoey:
Herb, you were great!

Chase:
Yeah, I was outside and you had me shaking!

Herb:
Really, I was good!

Zoey:
Are you kidding me?

Chase:
That was the best acting any janitor has ever done!

Herb:
Now if you'll excuse me there is a clogged toilet in the gym calling my name.

Chase:
You know what I'm saying?

Michael:
You don't even know what you're saying!

Zoey:
Chase, thank you so much!

Chase:
It’s okay, but, actually, it wasn’t me.

Zoey:
Michael?

Michael:
Not me.

Zoey:
Then who was it? (Chase and Michael point to Logan) Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?

Logan:
If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?

Dean Rivers:
I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?

Chase:
Technically, sir, you did just ask again.

Dean Rivers:
Chase!

Chase:
Sorry.

Nicole:
(crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!

Zoey:
I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.

Nicole:
No, they're all dumb and gross.

Zoey:
Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.

Quinn:
Can't talk. Plotting revenge.

Nicole:
I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)

Zoey:
Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!

Logan:
Chase picked it out.

Chase:
Why do you tell people?

Logan:
Do girls know anything?

Dana:
I know how to make you cry.

Logan:
What are you gonna do? Kiss me?

Dana:
You wish!

Logan:
Yeah I do! (laughs)

Mr. Bradford:
All right. Just stop my daddy from peeing and no one gets expelled.

Mr. Savage:
Do you know what this is?

Chase:
Some kind of scooter?

Mr. Savage:
(Buzzing noise) Wrong!

Chase:
Sorry.

Quinn:
Where's the off button on this?

Dana:
Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.

Quinn:
True.

Zoey:
(on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!

Chase:
(to Michael) I rock!

Michael:
You´re OK.

Nicole:
You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!

Dana:
What?!

Zoey:
What?!

Nicole:
I didn't know what to say!

Zoey:
Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.

Chase:
I did.

Zoey:
And?

Chase:
He gave me 50 bucks to shut up.

Mr. Bender:
Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?

Chase:
Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair!

Mr. Bender:
Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.

Logan:
Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.

Zoey:
You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.

Chase:
It's true. It happened to me once.

Logan:
(to Chase) Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?

Chase:
Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team. They're not hot.

Michael:
I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude. (Chase and Logan give him weird looks) I've said too much.

(Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)

Dustin:
Hey, is Zoey here?

Dana:
No.

Dustin:
Well, do you know where she is?

Dana:
Nope.

Dustin:
'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if...

(Dana shuts the door in his face)

Michael:
Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?

Chase:
Yeah, so?

Michael:
So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.

Chase:
Change it?

Michael:
Write a different ending.

Chase:
I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! (runs off)

Michael:
I have my moments.

Mr. Fletcher:
Kill? Kill?!

Chase:
Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "Sassafras". I wrote "Lallafral"!

Dustin:
(to Quinn) Why are you taking off my shoes?

Quinn:
I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.

Dustin:
Can I please leave?

Quinn:
No... Ready?

Dustin:
No. (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) Ah! That tickles. (Quinn stops the proton device)

Quinn:
Do you feel better?

Dustin:
No!

Quinn:
I'll adjust the proton saturation.

Dustin:
Huh? (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) It's not making me better!

Nicole:
He really is awesome?

Chase:
(sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?

Zoey:
I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.

Nicole:
Ooh. She's starting to like him.

Dana:
Ya think?

Chase:
What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?

Zoey:
Yeah, I mean...

Chase:
You mean what?

Zoey:
I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...

Chase:
Okay. I got to go.

Zoey:
Where are you going?

Chase:
To take a bath. What difference does it make?

Chase:
I wonder who invented the meatball.

Zoey:
What do you mean invented?

Chase:
Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form. And thus the meatball was born".

Zoey:
(About Mark) Go talk to him.

Quinn:
Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.

Zoey:
It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.

Quinn:
Okay, so, what do I do?

Zoey:
Just pretend Chase is a guy.

Chase:
Uh, thanks.

Quinn:
Did you know that female spiders eat their children?

Chase:
Huh?

Quinn:
Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?

Chase:
Oh, my God.

Quinn:
Tell me about your first rash.

Chase:
Zoey.

Zoey:
Quinn.

Quinn:
I'm curious. I have an extra toe. Wanna see?

Chase:
MAKE IT STOP!

Quinn:
Don't you guys want to see my extra toe?

Zoey, Nicole, Dana & Chase:
No!

Quinn:
Hi, Mark.

Mark:
Oh, hey, Clint.

Chase:
Quinn.

Quinn:
Did you say, "Clint"?

Chase:
He said, "Quinn."

Mark I said, "Clint."

Quinn:
Who's Clint?

Chase:
He meant, "Quinn".

Zoey:
My friend, Quinn thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?

Mark:
No.

Zoey:
Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.

Mark:
(Looks at Quinn) No.

Quinn:
What did he say? Please, say he said, "Yes". I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, "Yes", tell me he said, "Yes", please.

Zoey:
Ummm.. he said, "YES".

Dana:
What's your problem?

Zoey:
Remember when I said "Mark said yes". He said, "NO".

Nicole:
NO!!!

Zoey:
YES.

Nicole:
YES.

Nicole:
Yes, wait I'm confused.

Dana:
Did he say "Yes" or "No"?

Zoey:
He said, "No".

Dana:
No, then why did you tell her he said, "Yes".

Zoey:
Because I panicked.

Dana:
You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.

Zoey:
I can't. It'll break her heart. Her weird little heart.

Courtney:
Mark! You're on a date with HER?

Mark:
No! I'm... on a date with Chase!

Chase:
Um, it's true. We had a picnic.

Zoey:
Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.

Courtney:
Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me, Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!

Mark:
Courtney.

Quinn:
Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend!

Mark:
(confused) Who dated you?

Quinn:
You may have movie star good looks, but I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!

Mark:
But...

Quinn:
I said "Good day"!

Chase:
No more "Grass"! I can't take it!!

TV:
Coming up next... "Weeds".

Announcer:
And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"

Nicole:
Okay, why are we watching this?

Dustin:
I hate this experiment!

Quinn:
I heard that!

Dustin:
GOOD!

Nicole:
Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?

Zoey:
Of course, boys love to smash things.

Michael:
It's true!

Chase:
We do enjoy the smashing!

Dana:
Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.

Nicole:
What do you think he'll say?

Zoey:
He'll probably start with, "Give me my four-thousand dollars back!"

Dustin:
Is it true?

Zoey:
What?

Dustin:
That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?

Dana:
Sorry, but Drake's not coming.

Dustin:
How come?

Nicole:
His manager wants 5000 bucks.

Dustin:
So get it.

Dana:
(sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.

Chase:
(to Drake) Hey, you're Drake Bell!

Drake:
Yes, I am.

Chase:
Hey, it's him!

Michael:
You're you!

Drake:
I'm me.

Manager:
(to Drake) You are.

Michael:
(Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!

Zoey:
Huh? What rabbit?

Michael:
[sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.

Chase:
Massage my shoulders.

Michael:
Are you out of your mind?

Chase:
Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.

Michael:
Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?

Chase:
(Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!

Michael:
(gasp)

Chase:
What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...

Zoey:
What? It doesn't say that!

Chase:
Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!

Michael:
I pick B, down the stairs she goes!

Chase:
(about new jukebox) Yep, that's definitely juketastic! (Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)

Michael:
(about new jukebox) Man, that's juketastic!

Coach Phelps:
All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.

Chase:
Can I return it?

Nicole:
Just give me a minute.

Coach Phelps:
What's she doing?

Zoey:
Making oatmeal.

Nicole:
(pukes)

Mr. Bender:
[after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring] Read the message.

Zoey:
[reading] "Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?"

Nicole:
[answering a personality quiz] "What is your favorite activity?" Meeting cute guys. Next question: "What is your number-one pet peeve?" Not meeting cute guys.

Dana:
You got a signal?

Michael:
No, only sand in my butt!

Zoey:
(to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?

Logan:
Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.

Dustin:
No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!

Zoey:
Dustin, are you sure?

Dustin:
Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?

Dustin:
Will you tell me where babies come from?

Zoey:
Absolutely not.