2 Broke Girls

Caroline Channing:
[to Oleg, who is standing at their apartment door wearing only a Kimono robe] Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh no" in Kimono.

Caroline Channing:
What is Johnny doing here at 3 A.M.? I thought it was a rapist or something.

Max Black:
Rapists don't knock and wave.

Han Lee:
Max, I'm talking to you.

Max Black:
Oh, I didn't hear you I have my earbuds in.

Han Lee:
[Picks up earbuds from off the table] What are these?

Max Black:
Ok you had to bust a move and get all "the truth" on my ass fine let's go there. Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.

Max Black:
[Mocking Caroline in a deep voice] Those are not extensions b*tch!

Caroline Channing:
Are you still laughing 'cause it wasn't funny.

Max Black:
It was so funny; It was like Looney Toons funny; It was like Bugs Bunny getting shot in the face funny. Only in your version Bugs Bunny tries to have a dialogue with the shotgun.

Caroline Channing:
Hi, I'll be right with you. [Purposely spills a bowl of Borscht on the Puerto Rican Girl]

Puerto Rican Girl:
[Yelling ] Idiota! Esta camiseta me costo cuatro dolares!

Caroline Channing:
Lo siento. Toda es mi culpa. I'm still a little clumsy; it's my first week. I'll bring you some soda water, but seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that Borscht stain does.

Max Black:
That was awesome!

[first lines]

Caroline Channing:
Max, a woman in my section want to know if we do anything gluten-free. What do I tell her?

Max Black:
Tell her she's not allergic to gluten. She's just masking an eating disorder.

Earl:
Look here Max, that lady just slipped me her number. Like I need another menopausal white woman scratching at my window like a cat in heat.

Max Black:
Stop fighting it; just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist...

Max Black:
Hey, when you find something check the pockets for pills. At a thrift store downtown I found a purple one once and took it. Fell asleep for eight hours! That was my vacation that year.

Caroline Channing:
Umm didn't you see me crying?

Max Black:
Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France you eat snails; you come here you cry.

Caroline Channing:
That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.

Max Black:
I did I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually you'll learn to do that on the inside.

Johnny:
[while holding two shots in his hands] These are from the gentleman with a sweet note. [to Caroline while placing one shot in front of her] Nice ass. [to Max while placing the other shot in front of her] Nice rack.

Caroline Channing:
[Max and Caroline take their shots] [Very high pitched] Whoooo!

Max Black:
If that's your tequila noise, god knows what your orgasm sounds like.

Caroline Channing:
Hi, how are you? I just wanted to talk to you about that shirt at the Goodwill. See my friend really wanted it, and well your friend has it.

Tough White Girl:
[Gets off the guys lap she's sitting in and stands up inching closer to Caroline] What are you saying b*tch?

Caroline Channing:
Ok I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.

Tough White Girl:
Do you wanna feel my foot b*tch?

Johnny:
[about to hop over the bar to stop the fight between Caroline and the Tough White Chick] I should really break this up. I should break this up.

Max Black:
[Stopping Johnny] No, no, no! Give her like four seconds to learn her lesson.

Caroline Channing:
Why didn't you show up? You told me you were going to be there.

Max Black:
I had a lot of crap to do.

Caroline Channing:
Well you gave me the impression you were going.

Max Black:
I gave you the impression? I don't do impressions. Well wait that's not true I do one, my mom, but to do that I need; a Christmas tree, a gallon of vodka, and a lit cigarette.

Caroline Channing:
Did you walk my horse today?

Max Black:
Yeah and every other morning.

Caroline Channing:
That's so sweet I wish I had known.

Max Black:
What was I gonna do post it on your Facebook wall? Hi, walked your horse again today totes gross. Besides who did you think was doing it?

Max Black:
Unbelievable!

Caroline Channing:
What?

Max Black:
Hey! [Throws menus down on table in front of them] How you guys doing? Cute Strokes tee! Probably look better on me considering it's mine!

Puerto Rican Girl:
You snooze, you lose. Puta.

Max Black:
Nice language! You kiss your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth? You know what, I wouldn't even want it now. Now that it's been on you it might as well have been a Kenny G shirt. [Makes explosion noise while miming an explosion in her crotch] And now I walk.

Caroline Channing:
You need to react when people cry.

Max Black:
I did, I rolled my eyes.

Caroline Channing:
If we threw a big enough party, charge hipster's for horse rides, we can pay off your student loan.

Max Black:
You would whore out Chestnut like that; don't you have to get him hooked on heroin first?

Caroline Channing:
I got this; I am a brilliant event planner. My sweet 16 was off the chain. Penthouse parties, finger black theme, Alanis Morissette singed songs from "Jagged Little Pill"

Max Black:
On my 16th birthday, my Mom took too many jagged little pills, and I had to drive her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.

Caroline Channing:
Was your childhood based on the novel "Pushed, by Sapphire"?

Max Black:
I Wish!

Han Lee:
You think you're too good for the diner?

Caroline Channing:
I think sour bread is too good for the diner.

Han Lee:
What other career options do you have Caroline? Hmm lets see cupcakes? No wait your shop didn't last six months!

Caroline Channing:
Don't go there Han.

Han Lee:
Oh I'm already there and now I'm back.

Caroline Channing:
That shop was our dream Han, and this is just a dumb diner.

Han Lee:
Your fired!

Caroline Channing:
Oooo I'm fired? Max, Han just fired me.

Max Black:
You lucky son of a whore.

Han Lee:
I'm serious Caroline you just called my diner dumb. At least my diner is still open and successful where as your cupcake shop was so dumb it failed.

Earl:
Oh, he did not just go there.

Han Lee:
I went there and I came back and then I went there again!

Caroline Channing:
[notices Max smoking one of Sophie's electric cigarettes] Max, you shouldn't smoke. You'll get...

Max Black:
What, electrocuted? This is silly. If. If I'm gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date.

[first lines]

Max Black:
Hi, ready to order?

Girl #1:
Do you have anything that's really special?

Max Black:
Not according to my high school guidance counselor.

Girl #2:
I'll have the veggie plate, but instead of beats I want kale and instead of broccoli more kale. I want the veggies steamed and instead of dressing I want lemons. Don't you need to write this down?

Max Black:
I'm afraid if I start writing that down it'll turn into a suicide note. I'm assuming this table's going to have a lot more of those requests?

[All four girls at the table not their heads and agree]

Max Black:
Yes, I could tell by the hats.

Caroline Channing:
I'm here! I was late so I decided to hail a cab; but then I remembered I didn't have any money one me and then I remembered I didn't have any money at all. So I walked the whole way here.

Max Black:
The apartment's three blocks away.

Caroline Channing:
Yes I know, three blocks and fifteen "Hola Chicka's" away.

Max Black:
Well you can't be late again. I'm already worried about me being late... every month.

Caroline Channing:
On my way here a homeless man asked me for money; and I told him I usually always give but that my father was indicted in a ponzi scandal and I've lost my family fortune and my Manhattan townhouse. So I've been sleeping on a couch in Brooklyn, but in spite of it all I'm still optimistic that you and I will acheive success in our exciting new cupcake business venture... and look what he gave me. [Pulls out and holding up two one dollar bills]

Max Black:
You took money from a homeless man?

Caroline Channing:
I prefer to think of Bob near the bridge as our first investor.

Oleg:
Pick up. Special sandwich. I can think of even more special sandwich; You, me, and the hot blonde giraffe.

Max Black:
Well she recently lost her dignity so you may have a shot.

Max Black:
Just put it on! You can't tell an Asian he made a mistake he'll go in the back and throw himself on a sword!

Caroline Channing:
Huh. Interesting. Ok. You wanted a breakup scene? You're in one. I'm breaking up with you.

Max Black:
Oh ok.

Caroline Channing:
The cupcake business is over; the dream is dead.

Max Black:
Oh I'm sure Nabatungi will be devastated.

Caroline Channing:
I don't need you or your cupcakes to survive. I'll figure something else out because besides your constant Wharton put downs, I'm a business genius and I will always land on my feet.

Max Black:
Oh really? 'Cause today you kinda landed on your front.

Caroline Channing:
We're done. After work tonight I'll get my things and be gone.

Max Black:
Ooh, you gonna load up your dream filled wheely bag and ride away on Sir Mudsalot?

Caroline Channing:
Go ahead be as negative as you want. 'Cause you're in charge of your own future again.

Max Black:
Oh jokes on you! I don't have a future.

Caroline Channing:
Are you sure you're fine? 'Cause I heard you crying last night.

Max Black:
I don't cry; I sold my tear-ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.

Caroline Channing:
I was on the couch. And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.

Max Black:
Really? What did the crying sound like?

Caroline Channing:
Like... [moaning]

Max Black:
I wasn't crying.

Caroline Channing:
Well, then what were you d- [Max widens her eyes in irony] Oh! So none of my business.

Caroline Channing:
Morning! It's a beautiful day!

Max Black:
[while closing the shades on the window] These shades belong down! From now on think of me as a vampire without all the annoying marketing.

Caroline Channing:
When I went to the cute coffee place I spoke to the counter girl Nabatungi...

Max Black:
[Interrupting Caroline] Whoa, if someone named "Nabatungi" is making an appearance in the first sentence I have to sit down.

Max Black:
What is with you and boundaries? You're in my bed, you're in my bosses bed, and now you go and call Robbie? You're like... you're like your big ass horse charging in everywhere you don't belong.

Caroline Channing:
I thought I was doing you a favor. In spite of what you say about the sounds I heard coming from your bedroom the other night, I know you're upset.

Max Black:
I was masturbating!

Oleg:
[Pops up from behind counter holding a jar] I love my job.

Caroline Channing:
Max, I'm sorry I crossed all those boundaries.

Max Black:
It's cool. [Walks over to grab a paper from the counter] Me and drunk Caroline worked it all out. In fact she signed this paper. [Hands Caroline the paper]

Caroline Channing:
[Reading the paper in her hands] I, drunk Caroline, am a... what's that word?

Max Black:
Punk ass hoe.

Caroline Channing:
Thanks. [Begins reading the paper again] I, drunk Caroline, am a punk ass hoe. I promise to keep my big mouth shut and replace all of Max's poor people chips. I will no longer meddle in her relation-chips...

Max Black:
You laughed about that until you threw up. Oh and if you're wondering. No the puke stains will not void this contract.

Max Black:
[referring to the diner] This place isn't "When Harry Met Sally", it's "When Harry Met Salmonella".

Caroline Channing:
Max, since it's just after midnight, it's now officially Valentine's Day! I've got something in here for you; guess what it is?

Max Black:
Well, judging from that smile on your face, I'd say it's a finger-sized hole in your apron.

Max Black:
[Speaking in a threatening tone] Look at me gingerbread! If anything happens to him I will staple your nutsack to that chair!

Caroline Channing:
Look at all these people just sitting here, not tipping, working on their computers. This guy has a brand new Apple, I've been eating the same apple for a week. I blame Steve Jobs.

Max Black:
These people are more like, Steve "I Have No" Jobs. All right, that's it.

[Max walks over to Earl]

Max Black:
Earl, I need to get the wireless router.

Earl:
Oh, is that what this is? I though tit was a cookie warmer.

[Max takes the wireless router from Earl]

Max Black:
Attention deadbeat diners. You can't just sit here all night and only order coffee. This is not a Starbucks. And I know that because we don't sell Norah Jones CDs or bananas. This is the router for the free WI-FI. And that is a waitress who needs to make some tips.

Caroline Channing:
Seriously guys, I need actual cash. This guy just offered to pay me in ideas.

Max Black:
If I pull this plug, the Internet will go down. And you, [Max points to a customer] that sad e-mail you're in the middle of writing to your ex-boyfriend, the one you shouldn't send anyway? Gone. And you. [she points to another customer] that vaguely pornographic anime film you've been illegally downloading for the past three hours? Gone. And you, [she points to another customer] that screenplay you've been writing? You can keep working on it, but we all know how it ends, with you moving back in with your mother.

Caroline Channing:
Now, who's gonna order?

[Everybody raises their hand]

Max Black:
Great, I'll go get some menus. Here, Caroline, put this back.

[Max gives the router to Caroline but the plug accidentally comes out, shutting down the Internet]

Earl:
Ooh, my cookie warmer.

[Max accidentally opens the door on Caroline sitting in a bath tub masturbating with a shower head]

Caroline Channing:
What are you doing? Knock first.

Max Black:
Why are your legs up in the air like that? And why were you holding the shower head down by your...

[Max then realizes why]

Max Black:
Oh, oh oh!

[Max closes the door, she then opens the shade into the bathroom]

Max Black:
I'm sorry. I thought you'd be home feeling bad for yourself, not feeling your bad self.

[Caroline closes the bathroom shade]

Caroline Channing:
What are you doing home already? Why aren't you at the Candy Andy party?

[Max gives Caroline a strange look]

Caroline Channing:
Oh, don't look at me like that. It's not I'm like the only person in the world who masturbates.

Max Black:
Also, Andy's here.

[Caroline slowly turns around and sees Andy]

Caroline Channing:
Say something.

Max Black:
Can't. It's all to wonderful!

Caroline Channing:
I feel weird.

Max Black:
Relax it's just your lady parts waking up from hibernation.

Max Black:
I'm sure she'll be alright. [Max hears Caroline vomiting from the other room]

Caroline Channing:
That wasn't embarrassing, that was amazing...

Andy:
Alright, come back to my house and watch me masturbate!

Caroline Channing:
I never get a full nights sleep and I need a good nine hours.

Max Black:
What you need is a good nine inches. That should be on your vision board.

Caroline Channing:
It is, on the back!

Max Black:
Sorry dude, looks like this little tip just lost you the chance to give her your little tip!

Caroline Channing:
Can we turn the music off? Cause, I'm getting disoriented and, and all honesty a little turned on, and I can not be alated bi-sexual with everything else on my plate.

June:
How much?

Max Black:
What ever your rate is for sex but you won't even have to have sex, at the most just kissing.

June:
Kissing is $500.00.

Max Black:
I love you.

June:
OK, I can give him the girlfriend experience package.

Max Black:
He has no girlfriend, no experience and no package so that sounds perfect.

Max Black:
I can't tell if she is a smaller him or he's a smaller her.

Caroline Channing:
Han, what are you thinking? How are you ever gonna pull this off?

Han Lee:
With the help of my two best friends?

Max Black:
Oh, good! Who are they?

Caroline Channing:
I'm not catching SyphiGonoTitis today.

Max Black:
Um, could you turn the other lights on? She is allergic to the truth.

Joedth:
If Martin Scorsese walks in here do you want him to sit himself? He'll be lost. Lost!

Man:
I have one question. Do you want to live?

Max Black:
Actually, today I could go either way.

Caroline Channing:
I can't believe this is happening! Just when I saved $2! I can't die! And I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform! I mean it looks good on you!

[Caroline has a strange look on her face]

Max Black:
Are you having a heart attack?

Caroline Channing:
I'm... peeing.

Max Black:
What do you mean?

Caroline Channing:
I'm really freaked out and I'm peeing... I can't stop!

Max Black:
Just stop! Stop! Clench it!

Caroline Channing:
OK! Nope, can't!

Man:
Step out from behind the counter.

Caroline Channing:
Sorry, sir I can't.

Man:
Why?

Caroline Channing:
Um, I'm peeing?

Max Black:
Still?

[Oleg comes out of the back room with a baseball bat]

Oleg:
Out of the way, girls, I'll take down this - whoa!

[Oleg slips and falls down into Caroline's pee puddle]

Caroline Channing:
[pushes Max towards the Robber] Please, take her, not me!

Han Lee:
[Han pulls out a hand gun and points it at the robber] I don't think so, homeboy... You're in my house now, b*tch!

Max Black:
Here's what's left in the bag.

[Max looks in the bag]

Max Black:
Nope, sorry. I don't see your dignity.

Caroline Channing:
Max, don't! Isn't it enough that I'm wearing dishwasher whites that have been around since the invention of B.O.?

Han Lee:
Look at that. Something ate right through the Swiffer. And I don't think it was the bleach. How will you ever live with the shame?

Caroline Channing:
Can you believe that was the man that saved us?

Max Black:
Yeah, I did not see a gun coming. I saw nun-chucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hair-pulling, but not a gun.

Caroline Channing:
Well, good night, ladies. I thought we all acted very brave tonight.

[Earl looks at Caroline]

Earl:
Well, some of us.

Caroline Channing:
Oh, yeah, I had a trauma and I urinated. Ha, ha, that's hilarious.

Max Black:
Yeah, you might need some counseling. I could drop you off at a therapist on the way to my "I Was a Human Shield" support group.

Caroline Channing:
How much are movies now? Like 200 bucks?

Max Black:
Unless you go with me, in which case it is free. I'll take you tomorrow, I've been sneaking into theaters since I was 2. I crawled in "The Little Mermaid" with a sack full of Cheerios, and a baby bottle full of Diet Coke.

Max Black:
Walk. Walk. Walk. Hair flip. Walk. Walk.

Caroline Channing:
Walk. Walk. Walk. Hair flip. [Caroline whips her hair but it comes out all messy] Walk. Walk.

Max Black:
Good. But easy on the hair flip, Willow Smith.

Caroline Channing:
[Referring to her ripped pants and the fact she keeps stapling them together] I have a hole in my butt.

Chandra, the cellphone store rep:
You know you're supposed to, right?

Caroline Channing:
Hey Han, do you want a cat?

Max Black:
You can finally have a friend your own size. C'mon you can ride it to work.

Han Lee:
No, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus they don't show affection.

Max Black:
Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.

Han Lee:
I don't understand why a cat would like that. So mysterious.

Max Black:
[Max starts spanking Han] Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

Han Lee:
Hmm, well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much?

Max Black:
I dunno, something with b*obs was touching you?

Han Lee:
People with b*obs touch me.

Caroline Channing:
She means aside from your mom.

Han Lee:
Then, no.

Max Black:
You realized I replaced that Purell with K-Y, right?

Caroline Channing:
Max, please say you're kidding.

Max Black:
Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.

Caroline Channing:
Max seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.

David:
Yo, yo, yo, what up, cupcake b*tches?

Shmuley:
I'm fixing to marry me a beyotch who bakes like this, son.

Caroline Channing:
Uh, I don't know what is going on, but I'm pretty sure boys and girls aren't supposed to be socializing, right?

Shmuley:
Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving, but your ass is doing all the talking.

Max Black:
Uh, is that Yiddish?

David:
[to Caroline] Yo, don't get jealous vanilla cup, how about you turn yourself around and make it pop for daddy?

Caroline Channing:
How would you like it if I told your mother right on the other side of that door how you boys were in here disrespecting us?

Shmuley:
How is you gonna say anything with your mouth full?

David:
Damn son!

Shmuley:
[David and Shmuley are throwing money at Caroline] Ya like that?

Caroline Channing:
Stop.

Shmuley:
Ya like that?

Caroline Channing:
Stop it.

Shmuley:
Ya like that?

Caroline Channing:
That's it! Listen! Hit me with one more dead president and you'll be 6 feet under with Biggie and Tupac! You understand me, Jew Tang Clan?

Shmuley:
Skinny b*tch came to play!

Caroline Channing:
Max, now I feel like everyone is staring at my chest area.

Max Black:
Well, welcome to my life, everyday since I was nine.

Caroline Channing:
I guess it's something that only people in the 'know' know, you know?

Max Black:
No.

Oleg:
Once you go Ukraine, you will scream in sex pain!

Max Black:
Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.

Oleg:
Done.

Max Black:
Aren't you gonna ask why?

Oleg:
No need.

[Caroline screams]

Caroline Channing:
I just saw Oleg's...

Max Black:
Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.

Caroline Channing:
Max, please! I feel like we need a hug.

Max Black:
We just slept together. God... you women are so needy.

Han Lee:
Hipsters like karaoke.

Max Black:
Replace the work 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you have the 3 worst things in history.

Max Black:
And the technical term for you is "overly-dramatic". Yesterday you freaked out because we were out of toilet paper. Just hold it 'til you get to work like everybody else.

Han Lee:
Now maybe I sing while others wait.

Max Black:
Uh-oh. We got real problems now.

Han Lee:
I choose Susan Boyle popular song from all clips on internet. It's called I dream... [Max unplugs microphone while Han is talking]

Max Black:
Keep dreaming.

Caroline Channing:
When I was 15, I paid the security system guys extra to not wire the skylight, and then I snuck out and went to Illiano Schapiro's sweet sixteen.

Max Black:
Cute.

Caroline Channing:
In Greece.

Max Black:
Hardcore. I used to sneak out of the house an huff spray paint with an ex-marine.

Max Black:
[while taking a bath in Caroline's jacuzzi tub] I think me and your tub are going steady.

Caroline Channing:
Oh you found the jacuzzi button.

Max Black:
I don't know who found who but we're together now. I'm totally stealing some of these ridonkulous bath soaps.

[Picks up a bar of soap carved to look like a green seashell]

Max Black:
This one's shaped like a vagina.

Caroline Channing:
It's a seashell.

Max Black:
Sister, this is a mint green vagina.

Max Black:
Wait, what about the clothes?

Caroline Channing:
Oh, what am I gonna do? Walk around Williamsburg in a $3,000 gown? Oh my god... wait a minute. Grab everything with a price tag on it that we can re-sell, or that you think I'd look amazing in.

[Max runs straight to the furs and grabs one off the rack setting off the alarm]

Caroline Channing:
Not the furs they're wired!

Max Black:
Why would you wire the furs?

Caroline Channing:
Everybody wires the furs b*tch!

Caroline Channing:
[Sitting next to Max on the subway wearing all the clothes they stole layered one on top of the other] This was my fave purse to take dancing.

Max Black:
How'd you keep it up on your shoulder when you went all mad Krump?

Caroline Channing:
[Looking through the purse] Look! [while holding up a handful of money and shouting] Two hundred dollars!

Max Black:
Is not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs, you gotta make it rain?

Earl:
Max, what is the one thing worse than karaoke?

Max Black:
Oh no.

Earl:
That's right, open-mic night.

Max Black:
[Gesturing at the men working in the corner] Han, those guys better be up there because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.

Max Black:
You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire

Han Lee:
Ok, next person is going to sing teenage dream by Katy Perry who is pretty now but used to have very horrible acne.

Earl:
This is the third teenage dream in forty-five minutes. Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?

Max Black:
Calm your bells down Oleg, not my station's. Where's Caroline?

Oleg:
Would it make you jealous if I said she was back here with me?

Max Black:
Jealous? No. Pissed? Probably, 'cause we're busy and it'd take me all that time to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands.

Max Black:
You just made it in to Oleg's "spank bank".

Oleg:
Congratulations.

Max Black:
For someone whose jaw is about to unhinge you sure are flapping it a lot.

Max Black:
Sushi's lazy. If I come to your restaurant get up off your ass and cook the fish.

Caroline Channing:
[after spitting out the sushi her and Max ate because it was bad] Ugh, what a disappointment. You're first time.

Max Black:
Well that's kinda the way it goes with me and first times.

Caroline Channing:
[while handing Max a napkin] Here, clean yourself off.

Max Black:
[Starts laughing really hard] That's exactly the way it goes!

Caroline Channing:
Ok, there's bulletproof glass... with a bullet in it.

Max Black:
Alright so the glass works...

Caroline Channing:
[Points at the sign in sheet] It says to sign in.

Max Black:
Look, why don't you just take some of our cupcake business savings and go to a good dentist's office? You know, one where you won't get a Staph infection just by looking at the floor.

Caroline Channing:
I just need a bite guard.

Guy Behind the Glass:
Oh! I can do that. That's where they squirt foam in your mouth... and make a mold. Come in the back.

Max Black:
If you go back there with him, you'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.

Guy Behind the Glass:
You want the gas?

Caroline Channing:
Is that necessary?

Guy Behind the Glass:
You're gonna want the gas sweetheart... [Max and Caroline run out of the office]

Earl:
That boy is more stiff than Michelle Bachmann's husband at a Chippendales.

Oleg:
I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.

Caroline Channing:
Really? Oleg you would do that?

Oleg:
Is favor I do for you, and at some point when I come to you for favor you will say yes like I say yes now.

Caroline Channing:
Well I'd need to know what that favor might be.

Oleg:
I can't say for sure.

Caroline Channing:
Will it be in a week or a month?

Oleg:
I can't say for sure.

Caroline Channing:
Will it be sexual?

Oleg:
Yes it will be. This I can say for sure.

Max Black:
Why are the floors so bouncy?

Caroline Channing:
It's called carpet.

Max Black:
[after seeing Carolines old closet for the first time] What! No way! No Way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. O-M-G! Again O-M-G! It's lame but nothing else really nails it! This is the room that O-M-G was born for.

Caroline Channing:
Max it's just my closet.

Max Black:
Your clothes have a house! Look! Look! [Gasps] You are rich! Like I know you said you were rich, but you are RICH!

Max Black:
Oh my god, you have a shoe rotisserie.

Caroline Channing:
I designed it, I call it my ferris-heels.

Max Black:
I'd judge you if that wasn't exactly what I'd call it if I had one

Max Black:
[after a montage of her and Caroline dancing to a song they both said they loved] See, I knew what we had in common wouldn't last. Were you Krumping for a second?

Caroline Channing:
Maybe. Were you Tootsie Rolling for a second?

Max Black:
Yes...

Caroline Channing:
Bad news, they heightened security because we tripped the alarm. The entire townhouse is locked down, we can never go back.

Max Black:
My tub! Why does anything that gives me pleasure wind up behind bars?

Caroline Channing:
Forget about the tub, everything was inventoried. We can't sell the furs, I should've thought of that.

Max Black:
Yeah you should've. [Yelling in a funny/mocking voice] 'Cause you know they always inventory the furs, b*tch!

Caroline Channing:
[to a customer] Hi. Sorry. We're out of Muenster.

Cheese Guy:
Seriously, dude? I wanted Muenster.

Caroline Channing:
Sorry. We have swiss, cheddar, and American.

Cheese Guy:
Uh, I hate cheddar and swiss blows.

Caroline Channing:
Well, then American?

Cheese Guy:
American cheese? What am I, in grade school?

Max Black:
[Butting in] Yeah. Go to the principal's office. I can't have another idiot up my ass right now. It's at capacity.

Caroline Channing:
Max, I got this. [to customer, cheerfully] Would you like to look at the menu again?

Cheese Guy:
This is crap, okay. I wanted Muenster.

Caroline Channing:
[Mostly sarcastically] Well I wanted to be running a Fortune 500 company instead of waiting on a toxic man-child like yourself, but, we can't always get what we want, so order something else, put it in your pie-hole, and get on with your damn life! [Walks away from him and up to Max]

Max Black:
Welcome to "waitress". We've been expecting you. [She walks away like a giddy school girl]

Oleg:
[to Han, who is squeamish about even saying the word "tampon", even though he tripled the price on them and everybody is railing against it] C'mon, say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon. What's the big deal? In Ukraine, there are pop songs about it. [sings] She's so dirty, she's so grouchy. [Then beatboxes for six notes, ends it with the table bell, then jokingly flashes a gang symbol and walks away]

Elderly Lady:
Hello. How much are your cupcakes?

Caroline Channing:
Four dollars.

Elderly Lady:
No.

[the lady walks out]

Max Black, Caroline Channing:
Whore. [to each other] Jinkx! You owe me a coke.

Earl:
When my first jazz album didn't sell, I turned to a life of drink, drugs and loose women. Sometimes things just work out right.

Caroline Channing:
[Referring to Sophie] Oh, my God, she's a hooker. I've been using a hooker's lip gloss.

Max Black:
She's not a hooker.

Caroline Channing:
Oh, good.

Max Black:
She's too old, she's a madam. You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss.

Caroline Channing:
You're lucky I edited your application.

Max Black:
Why? What was so bad?

Caroline Channing:
You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing.

Max Black:
Tell that to my candy-cane shaped vibrator.

Caroline Channing:
Max!

Max Black:
I call it "Santa's big helper".

Max Black:
This diner getting an A for cleanliness is like me getting an A for a bra-size.

Oleg:
Oleg, Sophie is just feeling a little smothered.

Oleg:
She feels smothered? Have you ever tried motorboating those cans of hers?

Max Black:
Once, but I was very drunk at the time.

Max Black:
Make some changes, everything will be right back on track.

Max Black:
And stop talking now.

Oleg:
Make some changes? That's all I've done for her. I changed my furniture. I changed my ways. I changed my underwear more than once a week.

Caroline Channing:
Max please don't die. You're my best friend.

Sophie Kachinsky:
Oleg cheated on me and I'm so [screaming] maaaaaaaaaaad! Oh I have to break things! But everything upstairs in my apartment is too nice! So [Sofie breaks something] run a tab girls!

Earl:
I can't believe Han is making us tidy up this damn diner. It's like putting a pretty church hat on a whore.

Han Lee:
Oh P90X don't fail me now!

Caroline Channing:
[Max and Caroline are looking for Andy; Caroline is upset, having learned that Andy has had multiple casual partners recently] Well, Andy's not here yet. He's probably busy getting busy with his rag-tag team of gutter skanks!

Max Black:
Gutter Skanks? Didn't I see them open for Cannibal Corpse?

Caroline Channing:
I can't wait till tomorrow for my test results. I'm gonna call the clinic.

Max Black:
You left, like, ten messages. You're acting like the clinic's crazy ex-girlfriend.

Caroline Channing:
Well, I'm leaving another message. Hand me my phone.

[Max takes a napkin and picks up Caroline's phone with it]

Max Black:
What? I have to stay healthy in case you have it. Someone's got to pick up your welfare checks.

Caroline Channing:
Well, this is my life now. Working at a diner with herpes. The very best I can ever hope to be is a mentor for a younger girl with herpes.

Caroline Channing:
My new sheets from the Under A Dollar store feel so luxurious. Like maybe they could cost over a dollar. Maybe even two or three.

Max Black:
Yup. It was a good day over at the Under A Dollar. Steak, bed stuff and my new steak-eating chair.

Caroline Channing:
Doesn't it worry you that you got meat and furniture for the price of an Angry Birds update?

Max Black:
Yeah, it worries me that it'll never happen again. Sheets and steak? Never dare to dream it.

Caroline Channing:
These sheets smell amazing too. Thanks to that one little fabric softener ball, also under a dollar.

Max Black:
I dated a guy with one ball once. He was all self-conscious, but I told him, "No big deal, it's just as ugly as two."

Caroline Channing:
I am gonna get such a good night...

[Caroline pulls back the bed sheet, ripping it]

Caroline Channing:
Oh, sheet!

[Caroline runs to the box and reads it]

Caroline Channing:
"Thread count: yes. Washing instructions: Do not wash." Are you sure you want to sit in that?

Max Black:
Woman, don't talk to me while I'm eating my steak.

[Max goes to sit down in the chair but her butt rips through the chair and she falls to the floor, Max then reads the tag on the chair]

Max Black:
"Instructions: Do not sit."

Earl:
You might as well be a night maid in the Schwarzenegger house.

Caroline Channing:
What?

Earl:
You've been screwed.

Customer:
[referring to the waitress who is having sex in the fridge] Where's our other waitress?

Max Black:
She's coming.

[first lines]

Hipster #1:
Excuse me.

[while Snapping His Fingers Obnoxiously To Get Max's Attention]

Hipster #1:
Waitress. Dude!

Max Black:
Hi, what can I get ya?

Hipster #1:
We need some...

Max Black:
[Cuts Off Hipster #1 By Snapping Her Fingers Obnoxiously In His Face] Is That Annoying?

[Continues To Snap Her Fingers In Hipster #1's Face While Talking]

Max Black:
Is that obnoxious and rude? Would you find that distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh you don't have a job sorry.

Hipster #2:
Damn, dude, she burned you.

Max Black:
Oh,

[Snaps Her Fingers In Hipster #2's Face]

Max Black:
No hipster. No. Do not think we're on the same team we have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad, my dad doesn't know he's my dad. And, finally, you think

[Snaps Her Fingers Obnoxiously In Hipster #1's Face Again]

Max Black:
this is a sound that gets you service, I think

[Snaps Her Fingers Obnoxiously In Hipster #1's Face Again]

Max Black:
this is the sound that dries up my vagina.

Hipster #1:
The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one, we need horseradish.

Hipster #2:
Please.

Max Black:
That ladies is how you treat a waitress.

Han Lees mom:

(Enters the diner)

Max black:
I don't know if he's a little her or she's she's little him