Dead Like Me

George:
That's very Zen of you, you must smoke pot.

George:
This is where I felt it the first time. The universe was cocking the f***-with-me gun.

[George is in a good mood one morning and Roxie doesn't like it]

Roxy:
How about a hot cup of shut the f*** up?

[Rube lights his pipe in the Happy Time office]

George:
You can't smoke in here.

Rube:
Ah, f*** that bullshit, they can blow me.

[after Rube asks Daisy to take two post its]

Daisy Adair:
NO! And no means no! Powerful isn't it? I learned it at a PSA about date rape!

[George, talking about Roxy]

George:
That's Roxy. She could kick your ass.

[talking to two girls]

Mason:
Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.

Roxy:
I'm going to put this politely as possible. I will f*** you up!

Mason:
But am I pretty?

Rube:
Oh, you're darling. You make my heart flutter.

George:
Life sucks, and then you die. And then it still sucks.

Roxy:
Nice Cross. How'd you get the blood off?

Daisy Adair:
Oh easy, soap and water.

Brennan:
[phone is ringing] Should I answer it?

George:
Let's give that a whirl.

Deirdre Daly:
[handing George a flower] For my first customer of the day.

George:
[taking her soul] Mine too.

George:
Who do I have to kill to get some attention around here!

Mason:
[about Crystal] We've got a problem.

George:
I don't think it's a problem.

Rube:
Gravelings?

Mason:
Weirder.

Roxy:
[to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you? [Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot] Are you stoned?

Mason:
[looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...

[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]

Roxy:
[looking at mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?

Mason:
[hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.

Mason:
I've got illegals in my bottom.

[George is thinking to herself about the new guy she has just met at work as she walks around the office]

George:
I cannot go out with this Brennan guy, it would never work out. You're a Taurus, he's a Gemini. He's Lutheran, and you're dead. You have to weasel your way out of this, you have to tell him... no.

[sees Fran, flirting with Brennan and playing with his hair]

George:
Oh my god, some slut is stealing my boyfriend!

Roxy:
[after Gravelings tried to drop something on her] You missed me, motherf***ers!

Daisy Adair:
[after a married couple dies right after their ceremony] They're not going to Bali for their honeymoon, are they?

Mason:
No

Daisy Adair:
That's really one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

[the newlywed spirits kiss]

Mason:
They don't seem to mind.

George:
Death is kind of like sex in high school. If you knew how many times you missed having it, you'd be paralyzed.

George:
Don't you want to at one with nature and your fellow workers? Nope, can't. bed-wetter.

Mason:
I'm so smart i'm practically retarded!

George:
Yuck! This juice tastes like ass, here you try it!

Mason:
No, thanks. I'm trying to stay off of the ass juice for now.

Joy:
Where are my effing keys?

Reggie Lass:
Maybe they're in your effing purse.

Joy:
Reggie! Don't say effing!

Mason:
Rube is so old, he probably reaped Jesus!

Dolores Herbig:
[to George after checking her online date account and getting no messages] You know, when you are young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top... sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork. But, as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.

George:
I think when someone you love dies, you get a pass on normal.

George:
Since I just got promoted, I just thought you two should know - I take my coffee with a little milk, two sugars and a lot less of your bullshit.

George:
What's the point in keeping your head down if it's already been blown off?

Tiny:
The only thing we hate more than bad manners is the goddamn fascist helmet law!

Dolores Herbig:
GEORGIA LASS!

George:
[bumping her head] What?

Dolores Herbig:
What?

George:
[quickly rethinking] Who?

Brian:
Look! A Pterodactyl!

George:
[thinking] Please tell me I didn't just fall for that.

George:
Get the F out. Before I kick your F-in' A again.

George:
[after Joy wakes her up and sends her to work] Who had the nerve to call you Joy?

Ray Summers:
Okay, George. Five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One: we only want one thing. No exceptions. Two: we fall in love with you before we can have that thing and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversely fall in love afterwards. Three: we will lie, cheat, steal or murder in order to get that thing... why am I sugarcoating this, you're a big girl... in order to f*** you. Four: we freely admit the numbers one, two, three, and women don't care. And the number five reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: you can't live without us.

Rube:
[trying to get the reapers to work on their self-exams] Hey-there's no hob-knobbing. This is not a debutante party.

George:
If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I'd definitely choose a heart because at least you'd do something. If you're a brain, at the end of the day all you're really at is settling for shitty situations.

George:
You really care how it's going with me?

Rube:
Sure. You make my face look like this and concerned words come out.

Rube:
What you're feeling right now -all the rage and frustration binding everything from your head to your digestive tract- that's my life with you.

George:
[after intentionally missing an appointment to reap a soul] I forgot to tell you my last guy didn't show... just thought you'd like to know. What's the soup today?

Rube:
Cream of bullshit.

Mason:
[referring to Rube] Stay on his good side. He's like a volcano George. He erupts and spews lava in little villages. They run around, they run around for their lives. But you know he stops and you can go back to the safety of your own home.

Roxy:
So what are you, Rube's butt boy?

George:
Why? Did you resign?

George:
So, my whole life, everything, all I get to keep are thoughts and memories?

Rube:
That's all we ever have peanut.

Betty:
[taking a quiz] Do you consider yourself exceptionally reasonable or exceptionally kind?

Mason:
Exceptionally kind.

[Betty looks at him questioningly]

Mason:
Well, I'm not particularly reasonable.

George:
This is why having a destiny sucks.

Stan Samuels:
[in a church] Why would God do this to me?

Daisy Adair:
Do what? Have you die this way?

Stan Samuels:
Have me live this way! God doesn't love all creatures, Daisy.

Daisy Adair:
I think you should pray, Stan.

Stan Samuels:
I want to forgive him, but I want him to tell me that he's sorry first.

[stained glass window of The Virgin Mary shatters]

George:
I don't know exactly what makes people cross over. I mean, souls. I think they see light where others cannot. I think they see a chance to become something else. Someone else.

George:
I can't believe I just said "dilly dally". I feel dirty.

Daisy Adair:
You are always in your own head. It's like you're talking to yourself.

George:
[voice over] Am I?

Roxy:
[in reference to the leg warmers, her invention and the reason for her murder in 1982] Jennifer Beals, you wore them well.

Rube:
The thing is what, Mason?

Mason:
You know that thing, ok, you're good at that thing, that, you can, you're better at, um, just, you know, you know, talking.

Rube:
Well said.

Dolores Herbig:
Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?

George:
Shallow's the new deep, haven't you heard?

Penny:
You're the one who was killed by a toilet seat.

George:
God, will anyone ever let that go?

Mason:
She said you're... [whispers] psychotic.

Kiffany:
I'm not psychic.

Mason:
I think you are.

Kiffany:
I have tables...

Mason:
I'll give you ten bucks.

Kiffany:
You only have two in your pocket.

[Penny died on the Titanic]

George:
How'd you die?

Penny:
Boating accident.

George:
Sailing? Water-skiing? Fall out of a dingy?

Penny:
Bigger.

Mason:
Roxy, your dress makes me feel funny in my pants.

Rube:
[to George] You're a constipator, Peanut. You disturb my sh*t, and that's annoying.

Rube:
[to a hurried woman who sees an acquaintance in line at the post office and moves in line next to her] I have a question for you... is everyone in this line an a**hole?

Woman in Post Office:
Excuse me?

Rube:
Is everyone you just cut in front of an a**hole?

Woman in Post Office:
No.

Rube:
So it's just you then?

Woman in Post Office:
I have children in the car.

Rube:
I have a cake in the oven. [pointing] He's got three minutes left on the meter. And she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.

George:
[Mason keeps on interrupting George when she is trying to convince Daisy to let Mason live with them] Shut the *f**** up, Mason!

Joy:
So tell me the rules.

Raven:
We'll just go around the circle until you get it. Then you can join in.

Tabitha:
Overdose.

Raven:
Of what?

Tabitha:
Aspirin?

Raven:
Boring.

Tabitha:
Ok, wait. Boiling oil. Boiling acid.

Girl #2:
Electrocution.

Girl #3:
Decapitation.

Raven:
Flame.

Tabitha:
Brain embolism.

Girl #2:
Carpel tunnel.

Girl #3:
What's that?

Girl #2:
It's really, really bad.

Raven:
OK, Mrs. Lass?

Joy:
Umm... well, in my sleep, age 98, surrounded by flowers, and grandchildren, and all people I love.

Reggie Lass:
[sighs]

George:
I don't want to fit in, I just don't want to stand out.

Daisy Adair:
If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.

Ray Summers:
Hi, I'm Ray.

George:
F*** you, Ray.

Ray Summers:
Nice spendin' time with you guys.

Daisy Adair:
Ray, this is Mason. Mason, Ray. And George - curious George.

Mason:
So Daisy, what's goin' on, I thought it was just the three of us.

Ray Summers:
Daisy?

Daisy Adair:
Daisy Adair.

George:
So what do you do, Ray?

Ray Summers:
I'm a television producer, George.

George:
So you're rich.

Ray Summers:
Comfortable.

George:
I suppose you're charming.

Ray Summers:
Tolerable.

George:
And women just fall the f*** all over you.

Ray Summers:
Not you, I suspect.

Daisy Adair:
Georgia, you're being impolite.

Ray Summers:
No, no, that's okay. Everybody likes me eventually.

Ray Summers:
[nodding toward Mason and Daisy] So what's that about?

George:
Probably you.

Ray Summers:
I find your friend Daisy painfully attractive.

George:
Take a number.

Ray Summers:
How do you know her?

George:
That's none of your f***in' business.

Ray Summers:
You're an angry little thing, aren't ya?

George:
[raising dart towards Ray's eye] You call me a little thing again and I'll put this f***in' dart right between your twinkling eyes.

Ray Summers:
'Nother tequila?

George:
Please... so, you the love 'em and leave 'em type?

Ray Summers:
I've done that.

George:
[eye roll] What is up with that?

Ray Summers:
What's the matter, George? A boy not nice to you?

George:
No, I'm good.

Ed Barphin:
May I ask you a question?

George:
That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one?

George:
Hi, Lydia. You've temped for them before. There's a dress code and your skirt needs to actually cover your ass... I don't care where your tattoo is, you cannot show crack at the office.

Daisy Adair:
You know, George, you have your very own saint.

George:
I'd rather have a pony.

[after being handed a self evaluation]

Mason:
I need more drugs.

Roxy:
This is some freeze dried bullshit.

Delores Herbig:
Are you a doer in the home, Millie?

George:
I'm more of a TV watcher.

Rube:
It's like f***in' with the Jenga tower of taste!

George:
I named my chick Tweety; problem was, our cat Sylvester, ate Tweety... and promptly choked to death. It was a grisly scene, possibly a murder suicide pact, I don't know what the f*** happened.

Daisy Adair:
He's not staying here.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
You're being totally selfish.

Daisy Adair:
That's a fine sentiment coming from you.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Excuse me? I am the most...

Daisy Adair:
Self-involved is what you are, Georgia. You're always in your own head. It's like you're talking to yourself.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[thinking] Am I?

Mason:
She has got a point, Georgie.

Daisy Adair, Georgia 'George' Lass:
Shut up, Mason.

Mason:
Fine. Jesus.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Who the f*** are you calling insolent?

George:
Generosity is for people who can afford it.

Mason:
[to Daisy] You're beautiful, and I love you. I just don't like you anymore.

Delores Herbig:
[grabbing the defibrillator during a safety drill] There's cheese on these... Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?

Mason:
Can I buy you a drink?

Ashley:
It's a private club, you don't buy people drinks.

Mason:
wooooo! Bitchy heiress. Just my type, I love it.

Ashley:
What's your name?

Mason:
Mason. What's your name? Don't tell me... oh, I love this game.

Mason:
Whitney... Parker... Whitney...

Ashley:
You already said that.

Mason:
Parker...

Ashley:
It's Ashley.

Mason:
F***ing bollocks, bullshit, bull bags, I knew it!

Rube:
'cause life is too short - and death is too long.

Roxy:
Why do I have to have an occasion to spread the love?

Mason:
Because you're an ornery b*tch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast.

Mason:
How am I to be compensated?

Daisy Adair:
How would you like to be compensated?

Mason:
50% of the takings and 100% of your clothes off.

Daisy Adair:
10% and a handshake.

Mason:
25% and a quick grope.

Mary Kate Hourihan:
Stay strong soldier.

Daisy Adair:
15% and I'll let you see them for five seconds.

Mason:
Done.

[they shake on it then Daisy stands up and lifts her top. Mason stares dumbly]

Daisy Adair:
Five, four, three, two, one.

[drops her top and walks away leaving Mason staring dumbly after her. He chokes back a laugh]

Mason:
That was so worth it.

Daisy Adair:
What's with the parlor tricks, a**hole?

Mason:
You just gave up two grand!

[Daisy looks at George]

George:
Don't look at me, he came up with the lame ghost sh*t.

Daisy Adair:
Mason, I'm going to make this very simple so you're able to understand. We have the ghost. You only need parlor tricks when you can't talk to the dead, you dumb f***ing limey!

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[upon seeing her old bedroom, all boxed and cataloged] God bless my mom. If she ever put a bullet through her head, it would probably be labeled.

Roxy:
I'm gonna get a pet bird.

Mason:
Don't get a bird.

Roxy:
Why not?

Mason:
Because they're weird. I dunno. I can't relate to a bird. They're so far removed. They've got different chromosomes... and they come from eggs...

Roxy:
They have faces.

Mason:
So do cockroaches. What are you going to do with a bird?

Roxy:
I'm gonna stick it in a cage and feed it, what do you think I'm gonna do with it?

Mason:
Well I think you should at least get one you can eat.

Roxy:
I'm gonna get a friend! I'm not going to eat my friend!

Mason:
They have brains the size of pistachios... it's not smart enough to be your friend.

Roxy:
You don't know what you're talking about! I saw this special on PBS called "Animal Miracles" and they did a dramatic re-enactment about a guy being robbed, and he had a parrot or a cockatoo or something, and that bird lost it's sh*t when its owner was attacked. It opened up it's cage...

Mason:
[Interrupting] Why would you put a bird in a cage if it can open the door?

Roxy:
[Getting frustrated] Where else are you going to put it? It opened up it's cage and went crazy, pecked out the robbers eyes, scratched his face up like he was Tippi Hedren or some sh*t. And don't you tell me that's not friendship.

Mason:
[a moment of silence] How big was this parrot?

Roxy:
I don't know, parrot size.

Mason:
Well a parrot can't take on a full-grown man unless that man is a big p*ssy...

Roxy:
I didn't say the parrot won! The robber stabbed it with a fork and killed it's owner. The bird's dead.

Mason:
So why are you getting a bird?

Roxy:
[Very frustrated] It's not about homeland security, you stupid mother f***er, I'm gonna get a friend!

Mason:
[Shocked]... Jesus...

George:
People say the Lord works in mysterious ways. As if that makes all the shitty things in life any sweeter. Death is equally mysterious, but there's no sugar-coating that turd.

[revealing sidearm to a hostile man]

Roxy:
Sir, I'm gonna say this as politely as possible: I will f*** you up.

Mason:
[looking at a parking meter] Where do all the coins go, anyway? Doesn't seem big enough.

Roxy:
There's this network of pressurized vacuum tubs underneath the sidewalk. The meters drop off their reservoir every three or four hours, it sucks through the tube and dumps back into the basement of the 7th Street Parking Office.

Mason:
My God, really?

Roxy:
You got sh*t for brains, man. I've got the keys and these bad boys hold more than you think.

Rube:
[in the morgue, referring to a corpse George was supposed to reap but did not,whose soul is still inside the body] Well, you really f***ed the dog, peanut.

George:
I didn't make an appointment.

Rube:
You had an appointment.

George:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but mission accomplished.

Rube:
You're wrong. That was me correcting you.

Rube:
You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

George:
And what if I don't?

Rube:
Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

Guy:
[Mason and Ray are playing pool when a goon and two buddies approach] Hey. We got next.

Ray Summers:
[laughs] Take a walk Junior. There's plenty of tables available.

Mason:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What he said.

Guy:
Well I like this table. So if you wouldn't mind, F***ING OFF.

Mason:
Excuse me. Is it three against two is it? Cause I'll have you know I've had my ass kicked by bigger cock suckers than you all right?

Ray Summers:
Woah Mason. We don't want any trouble. These folks have next. We'll get out of your way. [grabs pool cue and rams Guy in his nose, knocking him to the floor] Don't tell me to f*** off. I tell people to f*** off. Now f*** off! [Guy leaves and Ray tosses Mason the cue ball] Your break.

Ray Summers:
[George and Ray are playing darts and Ray sees Mason and Daisy laughing together] So what's that about?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Probably you.

Ray Summers:
I find your friend Daisy painfully attractive.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Take a number.

Ray Summers:
How do you know her?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
That's none of your f***ing business.

Ray Summers:
You're an angry little thing aren't you?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[turns to face him] You call me a "little thing" again and I'll put this f***in' dart right between your twinkling eyes!

Ray Summers:
Nother' tequila?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Please. [throws dart] So you the love em' and leave em' type?

Ray Summers:
I've done that.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
What is up with that?

Ray Summers:
What's the matter George? A boy not nice to you?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[sarcastically] No, I'm good.

Ray Summers:
I'll bet you are. [turns to bartender] Macy, two more.

Ray Summers:
Ok George, five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One, we only want one thing. No exceptions. Two, we fall in love with you before we can have that thing and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversely fall in love afterwards. Three, we will lie, cheat, steal, or murder in order to get that thing... Why am I sugarcoating this? You're a big girl. In order to F*** you. [George's eyes widen] Four, we freely admit the number is one through three, and women don't care. And the number five reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it, you can't live without us.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Here's to your bullshit Ray [they clink glasses and drink a shot, then George throws 3 darts, the last one a perfect bullseye] F***in' men.

Kiffany:
What would you like, sweetie?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Revenge.

Kiffany:
[unfazed] We're out of that. Anything else?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Oatmeal and raisins.

Daisy Adair:
I died in 1938, for exercise we drank sloe gin and smoked Lucky Strikes.

Mason:
[after losing his post-it note] Mother f***ing, well f***ed, viciously f***ed, bollocky, bastard, hell! I am viciously f***ed!

[to a lass walking out... ]

Mason:
What about you, darling? Unless, of course, you're interested, in which case...

[gives him the finger]

Mason:
...you can, no! Well, piss off then! Oh f*** off! Oh Jesus Christ! Oh bollocks!

Mason:
[to Kiffany the waitress] Kiffany! Kiffany? Kiffany, Kiffany, hey! Listen, listen, have you found a little post-it note? A little yellow one with writing on...

Kiffany:
Like the kind you people are always playing with?

Mason:
Yes! Exactly, exactly...

Kiffany:
No. Is this one particularly important?

Mason:
Well, I don't bollockingly well know do I? Jesus Christ I am f***ed! Move! Sh*t, bollocks, f***ing bollocks! Okay, well that's it, I am f***ing f***ed. I am bollocking viciously f***ed! Royally f***ed I am.

[Roxy is dressed as a princess for Halloween]

Roxy:
I'm Roxy, the bad ass witch of the North-West.

[last lines]

George:
[voice-over] It's not so bad... being dead like me.

[last lines]

George:
I'm not supposed to be here, but I am. I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them or just haunt them. Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here, walking thru a graveyard, the day after Halloween, on a quiet and beautiful November morning. It's not so bad... being dead like me.

Mason:
We're going to play a little Hallowe'en game. Now, I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to answer me. If you get it right, you win a dollar, if you get it wrong, I get all your candy. All right? Right. What original member of the Rolling Stones croaked whilst having a drowning accident?

Kids:
Mick Jagger?

Mason:
No, he's kind of alive and still touring.

Kids:
Keith Moon?

Mason:
No, that's the f***ing Who.

Kids:
Who?

Mason:
The Who! It was Brian Jones, now hand over the candy. Now piss off. I partied with him and I reaped him, *yes*!

Rube:
Stealing candy from children. Challenging.

Rube Sofer:
I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an a**hole?

Cutting Woman:
Eh, excuse me?

Rube Sofer:
Is everyone you just cut in front of an a**hole?

Cutting Woman:
Eh, no.

Rube Sofer:
So it's just you then.

Cutting Woman:
I have children in the car.

Rube Sofer:
I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter, she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.

Lady at Post Office:
To Rube: I would like to meet Matt Lauer. You look a little like him, only older and angrier.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
I'm so f***ing smart I scare myself.

Gideon Jeffries:
Do you have twenty bucks on you?

Mason:
Yeah, sure. [hands Gideon something from his pocket]

Gideon Jeffries:
That's a parking ticket. [hands the ticket back]

Mason:
That is a parking ticket. You know what's f***ed up about that is I don't even own a f***ing car.

Mason:
You are so beautiful to look at.

Daisy Adair:
And unlucky to know.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Daisy, you tracked mud in the house. What were you doing that was so muddy?

Mason:
BOWLING!

Rube Sofer:
How's the coffee today?

Reggie Lass:
A little weak.

Roxy Harvey:
Are you sitting or just standing guard?

Rube Sofer:
[having spotted Reggie and Clancy] We're movin'.

Roxy Harvey:
You love this booth.

Rube Sofer:
Well, call me crazy. I need a little natural light today. Over by the window. Come on. March.

Rube Sofer:
You hittin' the bottle already?

Mason:
Coffee.

Rube Sofer:
Irish?

Mason:
I'm English.

Roxy Harvey:
So, what's the deal with Daisy and this Ray guy? That dead and buried?

[Mason spits out his coffee, splashing Rube]

Rube Sofer:
God damn it. This my favorite f***in' pants. My shirt. What the f*** is the matter with you?

Mason:
I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Rube Sofer:
You here to see... Dr. Plotkin?

Joy Lass:
You mean Dr. Hanson?

Rube Sofer:
Right Hanson. Plotkin's my podiatrist, I don't know why I was thinking about Plotkin, must have been staring at my foot...

Joy Lass:
Are you here to see Dr. Hanson?

Rube Sofer:
I've got the next appointment.

Joy Lass:
She's a child psychologist.

Rube Sofer:
Inner child.

Rube:
Reapers come and go, that's life.

Daisy Adair:
I was under the craft services table and I was blowing this tall, handsome man and someone leaned over and whispered in my ear: "No, THAT's Clark Gable".

Mason:
So who were you blowing?

Daisy Adair:
I don't know! It's such a huge cast. Someone from the Confederacy, I think.

Reggie Lass:
I was told there would be cookies.

Joy Lass:
Reggie.

Reggie Lass:
Mary went to a shrink and she said there are fig newtons and hot chocolate.

Dr. Janice Hanson:
I'm sorry Reggie, we don't do that here.

Reggie Lass:
What do I have to do? Set my house on fire for a snack?

Mason:
[meeting Rube in the diner] It's one o'clock in the f***ing morning, what in f***ing hell is so f***ing important, for f***'s sake?

Rube:
[chuckles] I'd like to see if you can use that word one more time.

Roxy:
You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world is going to do for you. Wonder who is going to bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy, when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the f*** at that.

[last lines]

Georgia 'George' Lass:
I think death for me was just a wake up call.

George:
But if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is 'Ah sh*t!'

George:
[George was supposed to reap her first soul, a little girl] If you want her to die so bad, *you* do it!

Rube:
[angrily] I can't, no one can except you. Death is non-transferable, she's *your* mark. Only you can do the deed.

George:
Well then, barring any unforeseen accidents, I'd say she has another eighty years.

Rube:
Yeah, well you believe me, that's eighty years she doesn't want.

George:
What is that supposed to mean?

Rube:
Her fate was sealed the moment she got onto that train. Her soul expired. You know what happens when you keep a soul around after its time?

George:
No.

Rube:
Same thing happens to milk. It spoils, goes bad, souls go bad in all kinds of ways.

George:
But...

Rube:
[continues to speak in quiet anger] If you're having trouble comprehending the severity of the situation, why don't you consult Webster's on the definition of bad? If you don't take her soul, it's going to wither and die and rot inside her. I've seen it happen. Do you wish to condemn her to that?

George:
[crying] She's just a little girl. She can't die, it's cruel!

Rube:
[gently] It is cruel. It's cruel she won't know what life's really like. It's cruel that she'll miss out on so much love and pain and beauty, and that's sad for everyone in the world except for her. She won't give a rat's ass, she'll be doing something different. That's just the way it is.

George:
I... I just wanted to save her.

[George has just attended her own autopsy]

George:
So, what's next? Onward and upward?

Rube:
"Onward", not "upward". No pearly gates for you. No choirs of angels, either.

George:
You dick! You're sendin' me to hell?

Rube:
Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

Data Entry Guy:
Files don't just disappear.

George:
They do if you drop them down an elevator shaft.

[Mason shows George how the undead look to the living]

George:
Who decides what we look like?

Mason:
I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.

George:
If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowj*bs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

Joy:
I hate to say "I told you so."

George:
You love to say "I told you so."

George:
[the toilet seat falls from the sky. George stares at it] They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die... That might be true if you're terminally ill or your parachute doesn't open. But if death sneaks up on you, the only time you have to think is: "Aw, sh*t." [the toilet seat hits George and explodes]

George:
We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space.

Betty:
Oh, and always be nice to that lady at the DMV.

Roxy:
I told that b*tch that her weave looked like carpet, and now my social insurance number pulls up two bankruptcies!

George:
I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a sh*t. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.

Rube:
You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.

George:
And what if I don't?

Rube:
Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.

George:
Well, I want my life back!

Betty:
It's not like you were doing anything with it.

Betty:
[to George] I like you, Toilet Seat. You got moxy.

George:
[voiceover] Let's go for a ride. My name is Georgia Lass. I'm 18 years old and I'm down there. somewhere

[shows world]

George:
I'm going to tell you a story, not my story, that's later, this is just a story... Ready? Once upon a time, or more specifically at the dawn of time, god, lower case "g", was getting busy with creation, as the kids these days are saying. He gave Toad a clay jar and said, "Be careful with this. It's got death inside". Pleased as punch and oblivious to the fact that he was about to become god's fall guy on the whole death issue, Toad promised to guard the jar. Then one day Toad met Frog. "Let me hold the jar of death, or what ever you call it", Frog begged. With a nod to Nancy Reagan's pros of wisdom, Toad just said no. But Frog was determined, and after much whining Toad finally gave in. "You can hold it, but only for a second", he said. In his excitement, Frog began to hop around and juggle the death jar from one foot to the other. Frog was an a**hole. "Stop!" Toad cried out, but it was to late. Frog dropped the jar and it shattered to the ground. When it broke open, death got out, and ever since then all living things have to die. Makes you wonder how much better the world would be if frogs just stuck to hawking beer. So there you have it, the mystery of death finally revealed. We all die, some of us sooner then later. For me it's going to be much sooner. But that's only the beginning of my story.

[a flaming toilet seat is about to hit George]

George:
Oh, sh*t.

Joy:
There is going to be a funeral if you don't get your ass out of bed.

George:
[Voice over] Those are the last words my mother will ever say to me.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[voiceover] Except for the fact that he was mentally ill and I was undead, it was starting to feel like a date.

Rube Sofer:
All men are liars when pretty girls are implicated. You can see their noses growing.

Daisy Adair:
I once gave Erroll Flynn a handjob in a convertible.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[uncomfortably] That's a nice story.

Rube Sofer:
[to Georgia] You're a constipator, peanut, you disturb my sh*t and that's annoying.

Roxy Harvey:
Are you high?

Mason:
I've got illegals in my bottom.

Roxy Harvey:
Why do you do this to yourself?

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[thinking] It seemed like a good time to slip in under the radar.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Oh, um, I forgot to tell you; my last guy didn't show up. Just thought you might want to know. What's the soup today?

Rube Sofer:
Cream of bullshit.

George:
The day I dropped out of college, I remember lying on my bed. My mother came into my room and she had been crying. She stared at me for a long time and then she said, 'You only have one shot at life, Georgia. This is no dress rehearsal,' and I said,'You know what, mom. Maybe I don't even want to be in the play.' Two months later I was killed. I wonder sometimes if someone was listening.

George:
[voice-over] Every day, I watch people die. Why one death means more than another, I have no idea. I think people need something familiar. Something they can remember.

Mason:
[referring to Roxie's attempt to stab his hand for taking her hash browns] I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.

George:
[voice over] Look at those lips. I just want to bite your face. I wanna tear your skin off and make pajamas out of them and wear them to bed.

Daisy Adair:
These are all at the Farmer's Market in exactly 27 minutes. I smell a disaster.

Mason:
No, five deaths is not a disaster.

George:
How many deaths is a disaster?

Mason:
More than five. Five's bullshit.

George:
How many?

Mason:
16-20 is a disaster. 21 and up: catastrophe. 8-15 is a calamity.

Rube Sofer:
Seven and under?

Mason:
That's a crying shame.

George:
Life sucks, and then you die... and then it still sucks.

Daisy Adair:
[Seeing Mason in a nice suit] Mason, you look stunning. Wait, wait, I'm getting the image of a naked Jehovah's Witness, bleeding by a dumpster somewhere.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
We're going out.

Mason:
I'd love to join you.

Georgia 'George' Lass:
Well, it's girls' night out. We're going to lesbian bars to drink Jack Daniels and make out with big women.

[Roxy puts a ticket on a drifter's truck]

Chuck:
Take it back.

Roxy Harvey:
Ticket's already been written. They don't go back.

Chuck:
All right. Okay, then why don't you just shove those tickets where the sun don't shine, miss?

Roxy Harvey:
Step aside, sir. As I told you yesterday, if you have a complaint, there's a system in place.

Chuck:
Your system can suck my dick, miss. Okay? Now I ain't ever gonna pay those f***ing tickets, so just take your tickets, put 'em in your f***ing pocket and walk off.

Roxy Harvey:
You need to step off.

Chuck:
Step off? Step off? Okay, okay... step off! [Chuck attacks Roxy's vehicle]

Roxy Harvey:
Sir, that is city property!

Chuck:
You're not listening to me, okay! I ain't never gonna pay those tickets, so you take 'em back! I don't give a f*** about your goddamn rules, so take those goddamn tickets back! [grabs the tickets and slaps them against Roxy's chest]

Roxy Harvey:
Hold up, now! I can tolerate you cursing me out, screaming at me, disrespecting my vehicle but don't you *ever* put your hands on me!

[Chuck pokes Roxy repeatedly]

Georgia 'George' Lass:
[v.o] And that's when Roxy decided she didn't care about breaking the rules, either.

[Roxy pulls Chuck's soul out of his body]

Roxy Harvey:
Let me tell you something. I am trying to do my job, which is definitely my day job. If you keep f***ing with me, there are other skills I can employ that will give your life a turn for the strange and the painful! Do you understand me? [Chuck nods and Roxy puts his soul back]

[Roxy turns to the underpass, where Chuck was turned his car into a shrine]

Chuck:
I knew you'd come back.

Roxy Harvey:
I have to give you a ticket.

Chuck:
Thank you. I wrote you something, too. [takes out a wrinkled paper] I realized that when you did the thing that you did, that there were no words in the English language to describe it, so I came up with some words that would help other people understand. Hagelblass: the argument with God. That's what happened between you and me. Stubblerud: the moment in the Hagelblass when there's no turning back. That's when the human need to be taught a lesson.

Roxy Harvey:
Hold on, sir.

Chuck:
No, don't call me sir. Don't call me sir. I am nothing but a Whispanaut, an unworthy one in your presence.

Roxy Harvey:
[shocked] Jesus...

Chuck:
Are you Jesus?

Roxy Harvey:
No, I'm not Jesus! What's your name, anyway?

Chuck:
Before the Hagelblass... uh, call me Chuck.

Roxy Harvey:
Okay, Chuck. I think what happened to you before was something you imagined. Maybe you had a stroke or something.

Chuck:
When you separated my soul from my body...

Roxy Harvey:
That didn't happen.

Chuck:
- you cured me of all my anger. In one moment, you gave me all the answers.

Roxy Harvey:
Nothing happened.

Chuck:
*Everything* happened!

Roxy Harvey:
I didn't know you smoked a pipe.

Rube Sofer:
You need to fix this.

Roxy Harvey:
He put his hands on me.

Rube Sofer:
Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.

Roxy Harvey:
I didn't know he'd turn into a nutball.

Rube Sofer:
Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.

Roxy Harvey:
I wouldn't be making up words and sh*t.

Rube Sofer:
He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happened to him and now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.

Roxy Harvey:
This is nothing.

Rube Sofer:
A hundred years from now, people will have little plastic meter maids with bobbing heads hanging from their rearview mirrors.

Roxy Harvey:
What do you want me to do.

Rube Sofer:
It's about restoring the status quo. The guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You've got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again without first having a post-it, I gonna break this pipe off in your ass.

[Roxy returns to the underpass, where Chuck is living in a crate]

Roxy Harvey:
I had your car towed. It's going to cost you $375 to get it back, plus all the tickets. And they busted your door trying to get in, so you can kiss your car radio goodbye.

Chuck:
You're a vengeful God.

Roxy Harvey:
I can appreciate that you think you had some king of revelation, but I am just a meter maid and you are just a dumbass redneck. That's who we are. So we can forget all this bullshit and just get on with it. [a young man walks by wearing a meter maid's cap and carrying a parking meter] Who is this?

Chuck:
This is Jason. I told him about the Hagelblass and he's begun his conversion, haven't you buddy?

Roxy Harvey:
Could you give us a minute, Jason?

Chuck:
Go on.

Roxy Harvey:
F*** off, will you? [Jason walks off]

Chuck:
I know you do this to make me stronger. I know it.

Roxy Harvey:
Chucky, I want you to listen to me, okay? God made a mistake. He wants you to go back to the way you were. God wants you to be an a**hole. So you can forget all this Haggleblassen, okay? He wants you to be your old, jackass self again.

Chuck:
This is a test. There's nothing that you could do to make me go back to my old self. [Roxy grabs Chuck's balls and squeezes until he goes berserk] Ahh! F***!

Roxy Harvey:
That's what I'm talking about. What's my name?

Chuck:
Fat-ass b*tch!

Roxy Harvey:
Yes! That's who you are, baby!

[Chuck attacks Roxy's vehicle]

George:
to her mother who's trying to help her ride a bicycle "I can do it! Hands off ! Hands off !" happy cause she did it,yelling at her mother while riding "I'm doing it ! I'm doing it ! And I'm never coming back !"

Security Expert:
RIPOF: Report, Identify, Prove, Ostracize, Fire.

George:
Rip of?

Security Expert:
You got a problem there, Millie?

George:
You misspelled rip off. Dropped an "f".

Security Expert:
Oh, I see. We have ourselves a smart ass.

George:
Don't you mean "smart as"?

Roxy:
[Slamming a man she is arresting against the hood of her car] Now you made me mad! Now we can never be friends!

Mason:
I just cannot get over the size of your testicles!

Roxy:
[she is reading the final thoughts of the deceased as Rube enters them into a database] "It's freezing." "Mama, oh, mama." "I give up." "F***. It's just seaweed."

Rube:
What pile is this?

Roxy:
Mid-ocean deaths.

Rube:
[to George] Where's the fire?

Mason:
[indirectly to Daisy] It's in my pants.

Daisy Adair:
[to Mason] It's called syphillis.

Daisy Adair:
Everybody's thoughts are the same, two thirds are people who regret the rest are people who forgot to do stuff or are praying or are alone. Shouldn't there be more? More piles, More Words, More thoughts And then, and then you die. And you might become a reaper and the magic of creation well that turns out to be a 9-5 job with lots of paper work it's just, it's so, it's so everyday. How do you know that's true? Maybe we just move to one filing job to the next, Oh my god were all Temps.

George:
Maybe Death was the Temp job and life was a vacation. A Vacation we were supposed to spend with the people you loved, with people who loved you. And if life was that kind of vacation what then? What would your last thoughts be then?

George:
[voice over] It was strange to think that while we got to work, all over town, death was taking a break. Not that anyone noticed. Death is kind of like sex in high school. If you knew how many times you missed having it, you'd be paralysed.