Deadpool

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool:
There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!

Deadpool:
[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool:
[sees the title card for his own film] Oh, f*** me!

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool:
[singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio] I heard that you were talking sh*t / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my sh*t, this my sh*t / This sh*t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool:
Oh, hello there! I bet you're wondering, why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed!

[spots a convoy of mercenaries]

Deadpool:
Let's hope these guys are wearing their brown pants...

[from leaked test footage]

Deadpool:
Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!

Weasel:
Oh. Motherf***er, you are hard to look at it.

Wade Wilson:
Like a testicle with teeth?

Weasel:
You look like Freddy Krueger face-f***ed a topographical map of Utah.

[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]

Deadpool:
Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.

Recruiter:
What if I told you we can make you better? You're a fighter. We can give you abilities most men only dream of. Make you a superhero.

Wade Wilson:
Just promise me you'll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else. And don't make the super suit green. Or animated!

Deadpool:
[to Colossus] You big, chrome cock-gobbler!

Deadpool:
And you are...?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Deadpool:
Negasonic Teenage... what the sh*t? That's the coolest name ever!

Deadpool:
F*** Liefeld!

Weasel:
[Wade has just shown Weasel what he looks like after his mutation] You are haunting. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Wade Wilson:
Thank you.

[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens... ]

Deadpool:
[raises his hands] WAIT! You may be wondering why the red suit. Well, that's so bad guys don't see me bleed.

[points at a thug on the left]

Deadpool:
This guy's got the right idea... He wore the brown pants!

Vanessa Carlysle:
I love you, Wade Wilson. We can fight this.

Wade Wilson:
You're right. Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.

Ajax:
One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.

Wade Wilson:
Oh, we'll see about about that Posh Spice. Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?

Deadpool:
Daddy needs to express some rage. [starts firing his guns]

Deadpool:
It reeks like old lady pants in here.

Blind Al:
Well I am an old lady, and I wear pants.

Deadpool:
[looks at the screen] Cue the music!

Strip Club DJ:
Give it up for Chastity.

Deadpool:
From the studio that inexplicably sewed his f***ing mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.

Deadpool:
That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder, and I'm after someone on my naughty list!

Deadpool:
You're probably thinking "This is a superhero movie, but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a f***ing kebab." Surprise, this is a different kind of superhero story.

Deadpool:
[to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.

Deadpool:
Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unf***able.

Deadpool:
I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a f***ing superhero.

Colossus:
We can't allow this, Deadpool.

Deadpool:
I don't have time for your X-Men bullshit, Colossus! Besides, nobody's getting hurt!

[a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign]

Deadpool:
That guy was up there before I got here.

Deadpool:
Time to make the chimi-f***ing-changas!

Deadpool:
[In the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this man?

[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis]

[in the midst of a car crash]

Deadpool:
Sh*t, did I leave the stove on?

Deadpool:
[to Angel Dust] You're way too much man for me. That's why I brought him!

[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]

Deadpool:
I mean, that's why I brought HER!

[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]

Deadpool:
No, finish your Tweet. Just give us a second here.

Deadpool:
Go get 'im, Tiger! [Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]

Deadpool:
Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex...

Deadpool:
[shot in the butt] Right up Main Street!

Vanessa Carlysle:
I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them.

[punches Ajax]

[first lines]

Deadpool:
It's kind of lonesome back here.

[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front]

Deadpool:
A little help here.

Deadpool:
[farts] Hashtag driveby.

Deadpool:
[his head smashed into back of driver's seat] Rich Corinthian leather.

Wade Wilson:
Listen, I?ve been thinking.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Really?

Wade Wilson:
About why we?re so good together.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Why is that?

Wade Wilson:
Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Mm.

Wade Wilson:
And, uh, we?re like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.

Vanessa Carlysle:
But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.

Wade Wilson:
Right.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Wade, there?s something I?ve been meaning to ask you. Only because you haven?t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a?

[Wade holds up a giant ring]

Wade Wilson:
Marry me?

Vanessa Carlysle:
Uh, jinx?

Wade Wilson:
Huh.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Where were you hiding that?

Wade Wilson:
Nowhere.

[Wade and is shown to be butt-naked]

Deadpool:
Wow, this is such a big house, but I only ever see the two of you here. It's like the studio didn't have enough money for any more X-Men...

Deadpool:
[as Angel Dust walk towards them] Finish f***ing her the f*** up.

Colossus:
Language please, Deadpool.

Deadpool:
Oh, suck a cock.

Colossus:
You will come talk with professor Xavier.

Deadpool:
McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.

Deadpool:
[to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.

Deadpool:
[to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.

Credits:
The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.

Deadpool:
Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.

Deadpool:
I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.

Deadpool:
[to Colossus] You big chrome cock gobbler!

Deadpool:
[to Colossus] Tell Beast to quit shitting on my lawn!

Ajax:
What's my name?

Deadpool:
I'll spell it out for ya!

Deadpool:
[later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys]

Blind Al:
Love is blind, Wade.

Wade Wilson:
No, you're blind.

Deadpool:
I'm gonna do to your face what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s!

Deadpool:
[waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!

Deadpool:
[to the audience] I know right? You're probably thinking "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with 'pullverine.' [In an Australian accent] And lemme tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down unda'.

Deadpool:
Cock-Shot!

Deadpool:
[Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!

Deadpool:
[to The Recruiter] Hey Jared! I'll take a footlong, fully loaded!

[the one scene where they don't have sex]

Wade Wilson:
Happy Lent.

Vanessa Carlysle:
Happy Lent dear.

Deadpool:
[Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!

Strip Club DJ:
You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!

Deadpool:
A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls!

Deadpool:
[Trying to come up with his name] CAPTAIN DEADPOOL!... Okay, just, just Deadpool.

[repeated line]

Deadpool:
Maximum effort!

Deadpool:
[Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!

Deadpool:
Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!

[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]

Deadpool:
Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!

[Fires at Ajax multiple times and misses]

Deadpool:
Bad Deadpool!

[Shoots another bad guy in the head]

Deadpool:
Good Deadpool.

Weasel:
I would go with you, but... I don't want to.

Wade Wilson:
I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.

[Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]

Wade Wilson:
They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

[Looking at his slowly regrowing 'baby hand']

Wade Wilson:
I bet it's going to feel really big in that hand later...

Deadpool:
[Commenting on her shaved head] Ripley from Alien 3!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
F***, you're old!

Deadpool:
Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.

Weasel:
[to Blind Al] Wanna get f***ed up?

Weasel:
[to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Venessa] I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.

Deadpool:
[Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!

Wade Wilson:
I don't want to go to Mexico for treatment. Do you know what the Spanish word is for cancer?

Weasel:
No.

Wade Wilson:
El cancer.

Wade Wilson:
[to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?

Deadpool:
[to Colossus] If I ever decide to become a crime-fighting sh*t swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at Neverland Mansion with some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherf***er... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!

Wade Wilson:
I want to die a natural death at the age of 102 - like the city of Detroit.

Weasel:
[Upon seeing Wade's face] You will die alone, if you could die... ideally, for other's sakes.

Deadpool:
[laughing maniacally] That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni! You're going to die... in five minutes!

Wade Wilson:
[Looking at a text from Ajax] What is that?

Weasel:
That's the sh*t emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long...

Vanessa Carlysle:
Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.

Wade Wilson:
Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this? [looking at his Voltron ring] FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!

Vanessa Carlysle:
Five mini lion bots? [deadpans] Three minutes.

Wade Wilson:
Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?

Vanessa Carlysle:
[pause] Cuddle?

Wade Wilson:
[voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.

[Wade collapses]

Blind Al:
Looks aren't everything.

Deadpool:
Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?

Blind Al:
Love is blind, Wade.

Deadpool:
No. You're blind.

Deadpool:
Cancer is like Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair.

Colossus:
[Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments.

Deadpool:
Deadpool: Sorry?

Colossus:
Colossus: Four or five moments - that's all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend - spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away...

Colossus:
[Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him] Colossus: [vomits humourously] Really? Was that necessary?

Deadpool:
Deadpool: You were droning on!

Colossus:
Do you have off switch?

Deadpool:
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

Recruiter:
Mr. Wilson.

Wade Wilson:
How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.

Wade Wilson:
[to Ajax] You got something in your teeth.

Ajax:
Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the f*** up or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

Wade Wilson:
Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

[repeated line]

Ajax:
What's my name?

Blind Al:
Why such a douche this morning?

Wade Wilson:
Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this sh*t from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

Ajax:
We have everything we need now.

Weasel:
You sure? You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2.

Weasel:
[looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?

Wade Wilson:
[to self] F*** me!

Weasel:
Uh, maybe not start with that.

Dopinder:
Knock 'em dead, pool boy!

Deadpool:
I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve 'cause I'ma go lookin'!

Ajax:
You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts will have to grow back you.

Deadpool:
I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.

Vanessa Carlysle:
You mean this mask? [takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]

Deadpool:
And this one, in case the other fell off. [she peels off the mask]

Vanessa Carlysle:
Wow.

Wade Wilson:
Yeah.

Vanessa Carlysle:
After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.

Blind Al:
Looks aren't everything.

Wade Wilson:
Looks *are* everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?

Wade Wilson:
Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.

Deadpool (after accidentally touching colossus on the groin) Dad?!

Francis:
Jeez, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.

Deadpool:
Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?

Dopinder:
Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?

Wade Wilson:
Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.

Dopinder:
And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?

Wade:
This sh*t... [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!

Wade:
Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.

Jeremy:
[nervously] I'm, uh–

Wade:
A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?

Jeremy:
Yes– Yes, sir.

Wade:
Then we're done. [puts the knife away]

Jeremy:
Wait, we... we are?

Wade:
Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face!

Merchant:
I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!

Wade:
Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [kisses Jeremy on the cheek as he whimpers]

Wade:
I've been traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then–

Weasel:
Killing them, I know. I saw your Instagram. What was special forces doing in Jacksonville anyways?

Wade:
That's classified. [whispering] They have a wonderful T.G.I. Friday's.

Vanessa:
Hey, hands off the merchandise.

Wade:
Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?

Vanessa:
Yup.

Wade:
Rough childhood?

Vanessa:
Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.

Wade:
Daddy left before I was conceived.

Vanessa:
Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Wade:
Where else do you put one out?

Vanessa:
I was molested.

Wade:
Me too. Uncle.

Vanessa:
Uncles. They took turns.

Wade:
I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my–

Vanessa:
Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.

Wade:
[gasps] You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn.

Vanessa:
[laughs] Who would do such a thing?

Wade:
Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card?

Vanessa:
Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*** you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a low-fat dessert.

Wade:
Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sound's suspiciously made up. What is it, really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [speaks in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty?

Ajax:
Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.

Wade:
We'll see about that.

Ajax:
I suppose we will. [turns to Angel] He's all yours. [leaves]

Wade:
Oh, come on! You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?

[Angel punches Wade, knocking him out]

[Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead set out to apprehend Deadpool]

Colossus:
I've given Deadpool every chance to join us, but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?

Negasonic:
Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?

Colossus:
Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. [gives Negasonic an energy bar] Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.

Deadpool:
Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!

Colossus:
You know I can hear you?

Deadpool:
Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!

Deadpool:
And you are?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Deadpool:
Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SH*T?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?

Colossus:
No, trainee.

Deadpool:
Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, sh*t detail?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
What does that make you?

Deadpool:
Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Can we go?

Deadpool:
"Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
[deadpan] You got me in a box here.

Deadpool:
AH-HA!

Colossus:
[handcuffing Deadpool] Let us go talk to the Professor.

Wade:
McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. [groans as Colossus drags him along] "Dead or alive, you are coming with me!"

Colossus:
You'll recover, Wade. You always do.

[Seeing Wade's mutation for the first time]

Weasel:
You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Wade:
Yeah.

Weasel:
Not gently. Like it was hate-f***ing. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.

Wade:
And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory, and he's... gone! Poof!

Weasel:
Well, you gotta do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now, you only have one course of action.

Wade:
Damn straight. Find Francis.

Weasel:
[at the same time as Wade] Star in horror films.

Wade:
What?

Weasel:
Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-f***ed a topographical map of Utah.

Wade:
Here's what I'm actually gonna do: I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull and f*** the brain-hole.

Weasel:
I don't wanna see that, or think of it... again. But, the douchebag does think you're dead, right?

Wade:
Yeah.

Weasel:
That's good. You should keep it that way.

Wade:
What, like, wear a mask?

Weasel:
Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.

Wade:
Like a testicle with teeth.

Weasel:
You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.

Wade:
[getting annoyed] That'll do!

[As Wade's hand regenerates]

Blind Al:
Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?

Wade:
About the size of a KFC spork.

Blind Al:
I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.

Wade:
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.

Blind Al:
Looks aren't everything.

Wade:
Looks are everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?

Blind Al:
Love is blind, Wade.

Wade:
No. You're blind.

Blind Al:
So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?

Wade:
No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. [ushering her out] Go, go, go, go, go...

Vanessa:
[after Angel Dust rips the tape off her mouth] Thanks, dickless. [to Ajax] And I mean you.

Ajax:
Wow, you're a talker, too. You and Wade.

Vanessa:
I've been trying to tell you a**holes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.

Ajax:
See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Deadpool:
[on Negasonic Teenage Warhead's shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
F***, you're old.

Deadpool:
HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?

Deadpool:
Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.

Colossus:
[from inside the X-Mansion] Wade, is that you?

Deadpool:
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? Big house. It's funny that we only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

[Negasonic Teenage Warhead looks both annoyed and confused]

Dopinder:
Who brought this twinkly man?

Deadpool:
Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.

Colossus:
Is not boy-band!

Deadpool:
Sure it's not.

Deadpool:
Finish f***ing her the f*** up!

Colossus:
[annoyed] Language, please!

Deadpool:
[angrily] Suck a cock!

Ajax:
Wade Wilson! What's my name?!

Deadpool:
[To himself] Oh, I'm gonna f***ing spell it out for ya!

[Later]

Deadpool:
Yoo-hoo!

[Ajax looks down and sees that "FRANCIS" is spelled out by all the dead henchmen Deadpool has killed]

Deadpool:
Well, I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve - 'cause I'mma go lookin'!

Ajax:
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.

Deadpool:
Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!

[Deadpool notices Colossus and Negasonic still watching him and Vanessa]

Deadpool:
Wh-what are you still doing–?! Get out of here, go make yourself useful! [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone and tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. [to Negasonic] And you, chicken-noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990, sorry.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
That's all right. You're cool.

Deadpool:
[gasps] What in the ass?! That was not mean! I'm proud of you!

Colossus:
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.

Deadpool:
Y'know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion-robots coming together to form one super-robot!

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
There's the stupid.

Deadpool:
Yeah...

[Weasel to Wade] You look like an avocado, had sex with an older more disgusting avocado, and it wasn't a normal f*** it was like hate f***ing. And it seems like this was the only catharsis they had.

What they DON'T tell you is that the release date is unmakeable, and that the super suit--is ANIMATED!!! Like a f***ing Saturday morning cartoon. And we all know the sad ending to that, now, don't we?

Deadpool:
41 confirmed kills; now it's 89, about to be 90.

Weapon X recruiter:
Wade Wilson?

Deadpool:
Ding-ding!

Weapon X recruiter:
You look...very much alive.

Deadpool:
Hah! Only on the outside.

Weapon X recruiter:
This is not going to end well for me, is it?

Deadpool:
This is not going to end well for you, no. Tell me where your boss is.

Weapon X recruiter:
I can tell you exactly--

Deadpool:
[Puts his finger on the recruiter's mouth] Ah, deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh. Oh, you'll tell me. But first... [To the camera, putting his hand on it and pushing it to the left, to where some civilian bystanders are watching] ...you might want to look away for this. Now, this little piggy went to--

[A loud cracking sound is heard, Weapon X recruiter screams in pain, and the civilian bystanders give looks of horror at what they see.]

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her] Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[losing bullets] 10! Sh*t! 9! F***! 8! Sh*t-f***!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[to Vanessa] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[before a montage where he asks Ajax's henchpeople where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This sh*t's gonna have nuts in it!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [c*cks his pistol] blurry!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
TELL ME WHERE YOUR F***ING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a f***ing kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of a**holes named Francis, where would I hide?

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ? I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Oh-oh-oh. ?

Vanessa:
[after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more f***ed up than mine.

Vanessa:
[seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on.

Francis Freeman/Ajax:
I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything.

Francis Freeman/Ajax:
This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die.

Francis Freeman/Ajax:
You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You, a dishonorable discharge, hip-deep in hookers? You're nothing. Little secret, Wade: this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters... maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

Francis Freeman/Ajax:
You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!

Francis Freeman/Ajax:
F***ing Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same.

Weasel:
Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you. Real "Grim Reaper" type. I dunno, might further the plot.

Weasel:
Deadpool. That sounds like a f***ing franchise.

Weasel:
Wade, we have a f***ing problem, and by "we", I mean "you".

Weasel:
[To Blind Al, after Deadpool leaves, saying he hid a stash of cocaine] Wanna get f***ed up?

Weapon X recruiter ("Agent Smith"):
Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "f*** it"!

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[to a thug who has run out of ammo] Someone's not counting. [shoots him] Six.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool:
[puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.