Dogma

Jay:
Yo man, tell me something about me.

Rufus:
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay:
Aw f***, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus:
When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay:
Dude, not all the time.

Bartleby:
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!

Bartleby:
Wings, now.

Loki:
I'm feeling a little exposed here...

Bartleby:
DO IT!

Jay:
I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!

Bartleby:
We're going home.

Bartleby:
Quit leering at me man, people are gonna think I just broke up with you.

Azrael:
Get me a Holy Bartender.

Bartender:
Never heard of it.

Azrael:
He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you Muse?

Serendipity:
Don't...

Azrael:
Ahh, ANYBODY? No? Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...

Azrael:
Get it?

Metatron:
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Metatron:
Wax on, wax off.

Jay:
What the sh*t is that?

Bethany:
McEnry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to illinois?

Jay:
Some f*** names John Hughs.

Bethany:
16 candels John Hughs?

Jay:
You know him too? That f***ing guy. Made this flick 16 candels right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a sh*t about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughs guy and rents every one of his movies. F***ing "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, f***ing "Weired Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then theres "pretty in pink" which I can't watch with this tubby mutaf***er anymore, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin like a little 8 year old with a skinned knee and sh*t. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weap.

Jay:
Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

Noman the Golgothan:
Not born. SH*T into existence.

Azrael:
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. You know once Hell was nothing more than the absence of God. And if you had ever been in his presence, you would know that's punishment enough. But then, your kind came along, and made it SO MUCH WORSE.

Bethany:
Human beings aren't capable of 1/100 the evil a shitbag demon like you is.

Azrael:
Evil is an ABSTRACT! It's a HUMAN construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, Man won't own up to being it's engineer. So he chooses to blame his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless. It wasn't enough just to shadow his own existence, he turned Hell into a SUFFERING PIT! Fire, wailing, darnkess! The kind of place ANYONE would do ANYTHING to get out of! And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself! It is beyond your comprehension to do simple recompense for the sins you commit. No, you choose instead to invent a psycho-drama and dwell in foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offenses. So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell where the hoards of thousands of gluttons for punishment infect the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived generations ago, begging to be punished. In doing so, he transformed Hell from cold and solitude to PAIN and MISERY! I've spent eons, privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I KNOW WHAT AFFECT such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic being!

Azrael:
Would you like a glimpse at Pain Eternal? LOOK!

Azrael:
I'd rather not exist then go back to that. And if everybody has to go with me, so be it!

Nun:
You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?

Loki:
No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll f***in' spank you. "

Rufus:
Are you saying you believe?

Bethany:
No. But I have a good idea.

Jay:
Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the f*** is this sh*t? Who the f*** are you, lady? Why the f*** did you hug my head?

Metatron:
Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay:
What the f*** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

Metatron:
I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay:
What the f*** does that mean? Has everyone gone f***in' nuts? What the f*** happened to that guy's head? I want some...

Azrael:
But I'm a f***in' demon.

Bethany:
What's he like?

Metatron:
God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

Bethany:
Sex is a joke in heaven?

Metatron:
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

Metatron:
However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.

Bethany:
What, more angels?

Metatron:
Prophets. Two of them. The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well, he's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.

Bethany:
Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?

Jay:
We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany:
Excuse me?

Jay:
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to f***?

Bethany:
What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay:
Some f*** named John Hughes.

Bethany:
"Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?

Jay:
You know that guy, too? See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was f***in' harsh - but best of all, there was no one dealin', man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the f*** we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are f***in' bullshit.

Jay:
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that f***ed-up bar.

Rufus:
You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

Jay:
I can't wait to die.

Serendipity:
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.

Bethany:
What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.

Serendipity:
That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

Silent Bob:
No ticket.

Metatron:
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?

Metatron:
Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

Serendipity:
I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

Jay:
The whole f***ing world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

Bethany:
I want to go with you.

Jay:
What, steady?... OK, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

Bethany:
What gear are you in?

Jay:
"Gear"?

Serendipity:
When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

Rufus:
What He really hates is the sh*t that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.

Loki:
Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

Bartleby:
You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.

Loki:
I just like to f*** with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.

Bartleby:
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.

Loki:
The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.

Bartleby:
This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove".

Loki:
You know, f*** you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.

Loki:
What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?

Bartleby:
Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.

Serendipity:
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

Bethany:
You were martyred?

Rufus:
That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge f***ing rocks.

Jay:
So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany:
You're a man of principle.

Metatron:
Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.

Bethany:
You knew Jesus?

Rufus:
Knew him? Sh*t... Nigga owes me twelve bucks.

Loki:
Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.

Bartleby:
You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.

Loki:
Outstanding work.

Bethany:
What are you doing?

Jay:
Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

Bethany:
What?

Rufus:
Long story, forget it.

Jay:
What are you, some kind of f***ing chicken?

Azrael:
No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!

Serendipity:
So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.

Serendipity:
Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!

Azrael:
Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.

Serendipity:
No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

Jay:
Like I ever drove before...

Rufus:
You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay:
So that would make Bethany... part black.

Bethany:
I don't want this, it's too big.

Metatron:
That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.

Liz:
He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

Bethany:
You're suggesting I need to get filled?

Liz:
In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.

Bethany:
It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.

Liz:
That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?

Bethany:
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

Liz:
Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.

Bethany:
I think that God is dead.

Liz:
The sign of a true Catholic.

Metatron:
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Metatron:
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

Metatron:
So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention that Loki's already half in the bag. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

Bethany:
Were they sent to Hell?

Metatron:
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

Bethany:
I don't know what to say... or think... except...

Jay:
That you offer us sex as a reward.

Jay:
All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you f*** us then?

Bethany:
In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.

Jay:
She's a slut. Bunnnng.

Loki:
I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away.

Jay:
She's f***ing pissed, dude. She'll never f*** us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.

Bethany Sloane:
NOBODY IS F***ING ME! YOU GOT THAT!

Jay:
Guys like us just don't fall out of the f***ing sky, you know.

Jay:
Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

Rufus:
Hey! What I just did gave me a f***ing migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Rufus:
White folks only want to hear the good sh*t: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good sh*t from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Rufus:
In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

Loki:
Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.

Serendipity:
I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.

Bethany:
Nineteen?

Serendipity:
Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of sh*t.

Serendipity:
Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

Bartleby:
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.

Rufus:
He likes to listen to people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant sh*t, He always had a smile on His face.

Bethany:
You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus:
I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

Rufus:
The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.

Bartleby:
The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite f***ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE F***ING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.

Bethany:
Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.

Rufus:
Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.

Metatron:
You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.

Metatron:
You know those constitutionals He likes to take?

Bethany Sloane:
Constitutionals?

Rufus:
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.

Rufus:
So what do we do now?

Metatron:
Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Metatron:
Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

Cardinal Glick:
Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Rufus:
Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick:
Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Rufus:
We were sent by Him who is called I Am!

Cardinal Glick:
Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over.

Rufus:
Worked for Moses.

Rufus:
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.

Cardinal Glick:
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

Rufus:
Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany:
And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?

Cardinal Glick:
All right, mistakes were made.

Serendipity:
How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.

Azrael:
Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.

Loki:
You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.

Gun Salesman:
We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.

Loki:
Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...

Bartleby:
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.

Loki:
Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.

Bartleby:
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.

Loki:
I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.

Bartleby:
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Loki:
Hey, you know, f*** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Azrael:
Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion - which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil, so that we may obtain our final glory. Are we all on the same page?

Bethany:
Glick's the kind of a**hole that would bless his own clubs for a better game.

Bethany:
Stall Bartleby from going into that church.

Jay:
How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Bethany:
Think of something.

Jay:
I already did, but it takes two of us.

Jay:
You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

Azrael:
Quit killing people, that's high profile.

Loki:
Oh, lighten up.

Azrael:
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Bethany:
What are you?

Metatron:
I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Rufus:
Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.

Bethany:
Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?

Rufus:
Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.

Jay:
Are you buying any of this sh*t?

Jay:
So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

Jay:
Snootch to the motherf***in' nootch.

Jay:
Snootchie Bootchies

Jay:
Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their f***ing pube-less asses.

Jay:
Smoke that motherf***er like it ain't no thang.

Bartleby:
Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.

Jay:
I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

Cardinal Glick:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...

Loki:
All lines are currently down.

Liz:
You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?

Bethany:
They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.

Liz:
I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.

Loki:
You're a pure soul... but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.

Bartleby:
Loki.

Nun:
I never thought of it that way... what am I doing with my life... what am I...?

Loki:
I know, I know. You should take all this money that you've been collecting for your parish and go out and buy yourself a nice dress.

Rufus:
Why? 'Cause I'm a black man.

Loki:
Whose house?... RUN'S HOUSE.

Rufus:
Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are then don't be there.

Jay:
No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.

Jay:
Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Bartleby:
You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.

Loki:
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.

Bartleby:
Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.

Bartleby:
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.

Loki:
You're his father, you sick f***.

Bethany:
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?

Rufus:
Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, ya know?

Steve-Dave Pulasti:
You're gonna burn in hell, ya f***in' baby killer.

Walter Grover:
Yeah, tell her, Steve-Dave.

Liz:
Holy sh*t, it's The Pope.

Metatron:
It never ends.

Metatron:
Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.

Loki:
Consequences schmonsequences.

Rufus:
Are we too late?

Serendipity:
To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.

Jay:
I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.

Bartleby:
I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.

Azrael:
Ever the f***ing apple polisher!

Jay:
Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck!

Jay:
Snoogans.

Loki:
So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.

Loki:
Do you know about voodoo? No constitution of faith, more an arrangement of superstitions.

Bethany:
So you... what? Inspire people?

Serendipity:
What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.

Jay:
Snootch to the motherf***in' nootch!

Loki:
Whose house? Run's house! I said whose house? Run's house! Martin! Martin!

Nun:
So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland?

Loki:
No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll f***ing spank you!" The existentialists can keep their Kierkegaard and their Sartre — give me Lewis Carroll any day. That guy knows what time it is!

Nun:
The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?

Loki:
Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister — it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.

[The nun smiles gratefully and leaves. Loki sits next to Bartleby.]

Bartleby:
Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.

Loki:
I just love to f*** with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!

Loki:
Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.

Bartleby:
What's that?

Loki:
Let's kill people.

[A woman standing next to them does a spit take]

Loki:
Oh, not you.

[Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]

Metatron:
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...

[Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]

Metatron:
Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!

Bethany:
Who the f*** are you and what the f*** are you doing in my room?!

Metatron:
I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... f***ing Christ...

Bethany:
Get the f*** out of here! Now!

Metatron:
Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?

[Bethany realizes the baseball bat she's holding is now a large fish, and drops it in shock]

Metatron:
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!

Bethany:
Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Metatron:
Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! [Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be] See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? [Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry] Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

Bethany:
What are you?

Metatron:
I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Metatron:
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.

Bethany:
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Metatron:
Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.

Bethany:
New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Metatron:
Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Bethany:
What's the fine print?

Metatron:
[Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.

Bethany:
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Metatron:
[Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

[Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]

Bethany:
I don't know what to say or think, except...

Jay:
That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?

Bethany:
Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.

Jay:
I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.

Bethany:
Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?

Jay:
You mean those d*ckheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Sh*t no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!

Bethany:
So, what are you doing hanging around?

Jay:
We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany:
Excuse me?

Jay:
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to f***?

Jay:
So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany:
You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?

Jay:
Some f*** named John Hughes.

Bethany:
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

Jay:
You know that guy too? That f***ing guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a sh*t about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. F***ing Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. F***ing Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby b*tch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little b*tch with a skinned knee and sh*t. And nothing is worse then watching a f***in' fat man weep.

Bethany:
What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay:
See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. [Silent Bob raises a finger.] Except for Judd Nelson, he was f***ing harsh! [He and Silent Bob bump fists.] But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinios, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the f*** we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are f***ing bullshit.

Bethany:
When are you going back to Jersey?

Jay:
[to Silent Bob] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. [to Bethany] Tomorrow.

Bethany:
[to herself] Tomorrow...

Jay:
Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

Bethany:
I didn't ask you out for sex.

Jay:
I'll take head.

Bethany:
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?

Jay:
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

Bethany:
No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.

Jay:
Really?

Bethany:
You're going to lead me somewhere.

Jay:
Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna f***, then what the f*** did you ask us out for?

Bethany:
Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.

Jay:
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, f***ing dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?

Bethany:
Do you believe in God?

Jay:
Holy f***! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral b*tches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the f*** outta here- [both get up to leave]

Bethany:
No, wait!

Jay:
I'll scream rape.

Bethany:
I can pay you.

Jay:
Pay? [he and Silent Bob sit back down]

Bethany:
A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.

Jay:
[to Silent Bob] I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that f***ed up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?

Bethany:
No sex.

Jay:
All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you f*** us then?

Bethany:
In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.

Jay:
Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!

Jay:
You believe this sh*t?!

Rufus:
You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany:
You were martyred?

Rufus:
That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big f***ing rocks!

Rufus:
His only real beef with mankind is the sh*t that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany:
You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus:
I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Whitland:
Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights?

Board:
No

Whitland:
We creamed 'em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? [Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife] 'Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?

Loki:
[To Bartleby] You may proceed, mon ami.

Bartleby:
I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.

Loki:
Oh come on!

Bartleby:
Relax, I'm doing this. [To the board room] Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films... and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything?

Whitland:
You forgot Mooby Magazine.

Bartleby:
Damn it!

Whitland:
Is there a point to this?

Bartleby:
You and your board are idolaters.

Loki:
[To Bartleby] I can't believe you forgot the magazine. [Places the onion, carved in the shape of a man, before Whitman] That's you. Do you know much about voodoo? That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More an arrangement of superstitions the most well-known of which is the voodoo doll. You see- [Sneezes. He looks around the room but no one speaks. Shrugs and continues his speech.] -a mockup of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods.The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.

Whitland:
Call security, now! [Loki throws a the knife into the phone]

Loki:
All lines are currently down.

Bartleby:
I'm gonna have to apologize.

Loki:
-Would you knock it off?

Bartleby:
You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? [To the board room] Ahem. You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the First Commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.

Loki:
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.

Bartleby:
Mr. Newman. You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was, survey says... less costly. You, on the other hand [addressing the only female board member] are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [Whispers into Whitland's ear]

Loki:
You're his father, you sick f***! - Good.-

Bartleby:
Not bad, man.

Loki:
That's great work.

Bartleby:
Very good. [Walks out]

Loki:
Well, alone at last. With the exception of Miss Pryce here there isn't a decent human being amongst you. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. But not from God. (Walks off) Oh, forgot my little voodoo doll. Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? Look, if I believed enough in this... I wonder.[smashes doll into table. The board scream in terror before realizing nothing's happened. Loki snickers] Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. Voodoo. [Loki exits the boardroom. The board members collect themselves, but then Loki re-enters with gun drawn] But I do believe in this!. [Opens fire] DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! AND YOU! IN THE BED THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!

Bartleby:
[Reading Mooby magazine] "But I do believe in this"... What does that mean?

Loki:
[all but the innocent woman are dead] Gum? Go on it's OK you've done nothing wrong, those guys were finks and you're a pure soul. [Points gun at her] But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.

Bartleby:
LOKI!

Loki:
You're getting off light.

Bartleby:
Loki!

Loki:
I know, I'm coming. [walks off] You're so lucky.

Bartleby:
My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants!

Loki:
[alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...

Bartleby:
Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet — they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite f***ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite f***ing patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

Loki:
Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright.

Bartleby:
Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Loki:
[horrified] My God... I've heard a rant like this before.

Bartleby:
What did you say?

Loki:
I've heard a rant like this before.

Bartleby:
Don't you f***ing do that to me.

Loki:
You sound like the Morning Star!

Bartleby:
You shut your f***ing mouth!

Loki:
You do, you sound like Lucifer, man! You've f***ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby — you're talking about f***ing war on God! Well, f*** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.

[Bartleby slams Loki against a wall]

Bartleby:
We're going home, Loki! And no one — not you, not even the Almighty Himself — is going to make that otherwise.

Bethany:
Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus:
Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany:
[sarcastically joking] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! [Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus:
Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany:
His mother and father?

Rufus:
His brothers and sisters.

Bethany:
Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus:
Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany:
Meaning?

Rufus:
The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay:
So that would make Bethany... part black?

[Bethany has just found out that she is the last descendant of Jesus]

Bethany:
[looking skyward] WHY?! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I F***ING HATE YOU! [now crying] I hate you.

Metatron:
He can't hear you, you know.

Bethany:
Why didn't you tell me?

Metatron:
Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.

Bethany:
I don't want this. It's too big.

Metatron:
That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.

Bethany:
Everything I am has been a lie.

Metatron:
No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane - no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.

Bethany:
[chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.

Metatron:
[smiles] To say the least.

Cardinal Glick:
Who sent you here?

Rufus:
We were sent by Him who is called I Am!

Cardinal Glick:
Cute. Really cute.

Azrael:
Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender:
Never heard of it.

Azrael:
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity:
Don't...

Azrael:
Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?

Serendipity:
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus:
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that sh*t on someone who's already dead!

Azrael:
Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ b*tch will join you. [referring to Bethany]

Serendipity:
Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael:
I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay:
[suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

Bethany:
Look a**hole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!

Azrael:
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.

Bethany:
Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!

Azrael:
[furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Bethany:
[Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?

Jay:
I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd f*** me.

Metatron:
As I was saying - prior to your firefighting episode - I am... the Metatron. [Bethany stares blankly.] Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. [She continues staring blankly.] You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?

Serendipity:
The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

Serendipity:
So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.

PA Announcer:
[at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat.