Dumb and Dumber To

Harry Dunne:
Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.

Lloyd Christmas:
What?

Lloyd Christmas:
Am I right?

Harry Dunne:
What?

Harry Dunne:
Am I right?

Lloyd Christmas:
That's insane!

Harry Dunne:
Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Lloyd Christmas:
GOT YA!

Harry Dunne:
Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?

Lloyd Christmas:
You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!

Harry Dunne:
W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Lloyd Christmas:
Uh-huh.

Harry Dunne:
So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.

Lloyd Christmas:
Out the window.

Harry Dunne:
And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?

Lloyd Christmas:
Uh-huh!

Harry Dunne:
That's... awesome!

Lloyd Christmas:
Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

Lloyd Christmas:
We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

Lloyd Christmas:
Don't you have to...

[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]

Lloyd Christmas:
Oh, God!

Harry Dunne:
That things really taken root!

Lloyd Christmas:
Hey, who's this?

Harry Dunne:
That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.

Lloyd Christmas:
Why did you name him Butthole?

Harry Dunne:
Oh. 'Cause of this.

[shows the cat's butthole]

Lloyd Christmas:
Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Harry Dunne:
Lloyd? I think that was her "gran-gina."

Mrs. Snergle:
That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.

Harry Dunne:
Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.

Lloyd Christmas:
That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

Harry Dunne:
[Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.

Harry Dunne:
I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

Dr. Meldmann:
Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?

Lloyd Christmas:
No, Like the tree.

[first lines]

Asylum Nurse No. 1:
There he is again.

Asylum Nurse #2:
Almost two decades and he still comes.

Asylum Nurse No. 1:
So sad.

Harry's Dad:
We love you, Harry.

Lloyd Christmas:
Do you love him long time?

Trucker's Pal:
Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

Lloyd Christmas:
Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?

Harry Dunne:
Sure.

[constantly rings the doorbell]

Harry Dunne:
Yeah, that's pretty annoying.

Lloyd Christmas:
No, not that.

Mrs. Stainer:
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

Lloyd Christmas:
That!

Captain Lippencott:
Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!

Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne:
[to Dr. Walcott] Show us your tits!

Harry Dunne:
Both of 'em!

Harry Dunne:
How many days are in April?

Lloyd Christmas:
30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember

Harry Dunne:
Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August

Lloyd Christmas:
Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

Dr. Pinchelow:
I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her. [Hands over to Harry his cellphone]

Harry Dunne:
It's ringing!

Lloyd Christmas:
[Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.

Harry Dunne:
[Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!

Lloyd Christmas:
[to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

Harry Dunne:
[Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital] Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross

Lloyd Christmas:
[Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?

Harry Dunne:
Oh, that's my new roommate.

Lloyd Christmas:
[Shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?

Harry Dunne:
Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?

Ice Pick:
[Sarcastically] Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Harry Dunne:
Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

Lloyd Christmas:
It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

Lloyd Christmas:
[Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!

Billy:
Is that you, Lloyd?

Lloyd Christmas:
Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?

[Harry nudges him]

Lloyd Christmas:
I mean, you know, like, on the radio?

Billy:
[Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?

Lloyd Christmas:
Relax. Just a little candy.

Billy:
You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!

Lloyd Christmas:
Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Billy:
Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!

Lloyd Christmas:
All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.

Billy:
Not If I see you first!

Lloyd Christmas:
Ha-ha! Good one!

Billy:
No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.

Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne:
[Together at once] BOOGA!

[the pair frighten Billy]

Lloyd Christmas:
See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

Lloyd Christmas:
[Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter] Suck me sideways!

Harry Dunne:
You're the spitting image of her!

Fraida Felcher:
You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the on the side with the stamp.

Lloyd Christmas:
But it's still uncanny!

Harry Dunne:
Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?

Fraida Felcher:
Funny you should ask. [to Penny] Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives? [Points towards the Stainers]

Lloyd Christmas:
Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!

Fraida Felcher:
No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.

Harry Dunne:
You mean Pee Stain's the dad?

Lloyd Christmas:
Duh!

Harry Dunne:
Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.

Mr. Stainer:
Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?

Lloyd Christmas:
We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.

Mr. Stainer:
Lloyd. Peter is dead.

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah right. Since when?

Mr. Stainer:
Since 1991. Remember?

Lloyd Christmas:
The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.

Mr. Stainer:
No he did mot pull through.

Lloyd Christmas:
Are you sure?

Mr. Stainer:
Yes. [Shows the duo a poster of their late son]

Lloyd Christmas:
You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.

Mr. Stainer:
Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.

Lloyd Christmas:
And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...

Mr. Stainer:
Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

Harry Dunne:
I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.

[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]

Harry Dunne:
.

Penny:
[Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye, dad.

Lloyd Christmas:
[Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!

[about to eat from a dustbin]

Lloyd Christmas:
Do you mind?

Harry Dunne:
Bon appetite, kid!

Harry Dunne:
I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas:
Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.

Harry Dunne:
I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.

Lloyd Christmas:
What'd they do?

Harry Dunne:
They threw me out of the house.

Lloyd Christmas:
Why?

Harry Dunne:
Just 'cause I told them I was gay.

Lloyd Christmas:
Why'd you tell them that?

Harry Dunne:
I was sick of mowing the lawn.

Lloyd Christmas:
Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.

Harry Dunne:
God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?

[hits Harry in his crotch]

Fraida Felcher:
Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.

Fraida Felcher:
Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.

Lloyd Christmas:
[whispers to Harry] Tattoo.

Harry Dunne:
Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?

[Fraida shows her tattoo]

Harry Dunne:
Hmm. It's close.

Lloyd Christmas:
Mmm.

[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]

Lloyd Christmas:
Oh. Hi, Fraida.

Harry Dunne:
Oh, hey! How ya been?

Lloyd Christmas:
Have you been doing yoga?

Lloyd Christmas:
Cheers!

Fraida Felcher:
Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?

Lloyd Christmas:
The Slurpee machine in the back.

Fraida Felcher:
That's embalming fluid.

Lloyd Christmas:
Oh. Does it have aspartame?

Fraida Felcher:
No.

Lloyd Christmas:
Cool.

Harry Dunne:
Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.

Lloyd Christmas:
Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.

Harry Dunne:
That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas:
I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Dr. Pinchelow:
You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...

Adele:
You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.

Harry Dunne:
That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!

Lloyd Christmas:
You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

Harry Dunne:
That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Lloyd Christmas:
It shrank mine.

Lloyd Christmas:
Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?

Harry Dunne:
Yeah.

Travis:
What's that?

Lloyd Christmas:
It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.

Harry Dunne:
But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.

Lloyd Christmas:
False fart!

Harry Dunne:
You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.

Travis:
What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!

Harry Dunne:
Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah, head-to-head.

Travis:
How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Lloyd Christmas:
I thought you said you never played before.

Harry Dunne:
Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.

Lloyd Christmas:
I think we might have a hustler, Har.

Lloyd Christmas:
Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.

Harry Dunne:
That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Dr. Meldmann:
Okay, may I ask you a question, doctor. And I don't mean to be insensitive. But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Aspergers?

Lloyd Christmas:
Probably. I know he doesn't wipe real well.

Harry Dunne:
Wow. Great accent, Doc. Where you from?

Dr. Walcott:
England. Surrey.

Harry Dunne:
Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago. We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.

Harry Dunne:
Mrs. P. What are you doing here?

Dr. Walcott:
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?

Harry Dunne:
Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.

Captain Lippencott:
Why are you standing in the toilet?

Harry Dunne:
So you wouldn't see my feet.

Captain Lippencott:
Why not just stand on the rim?

Harry Dunne:
There's ball hairs all over that thing. I'm not stupid.

Fraida Felcher:
Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.

Lloyd Christmas:
Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!

Fraida Felcher:
So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.

[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are "diamonds" under her blanket]

Lloyd Christmas:
Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Mrs. Snergle:
Yeah, right. [starts moaning]

Lloyd Christmas:
[wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here.

Mrs. Snergle:
[sternly] And you're not my grandson!

Fraida Felcher:
So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?

Harry Dunne:
Well, why wouldn't we?

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah!

Fraida Felcher:
Because we never had sex.

Lloyd Christmas:
Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.

Harry Dunne:
Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.

Fraida Felcher:
You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.

Harry Dunne:
Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?

Lloyd Christmas:
Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?

Fraida Felcher:
Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.

Lloyd Christmas:
What if I go like this?

Lloyd Christmas:
[wiggles his finger]

Fraida Felcher:
No.

Harry Dunne:
Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?

Fraida Felcher:
Well...

[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]

Lloyd Christmas:
No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!

Harry Dunne:
But that's where she pees!

Lloyd Christmas:
It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!

Harry Dunne:
Can you show us?

Lloyd Christmas:
I call sloppy seconds.

[last lines]

Harry Dunne:
Bush Club!

Lloyd Christmas:
Bush Club!

[laughing]

[first lines]

Asylum Nurse #1:
[talking about Harry] There he is again. Almost two decades and he still comes.

[Harry visits handicapped Lloyd at the asylum]

Harry:
Anyway, you're in good hands here. So... take care, buddy.

[He walks off. Lloyd grunts]

Harry:
[stops in his tracks] Lloyd, did you say something?

Lloyd:
[barely audible] I got ya.

Harry:
That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Lloyd:
[suddenly shouts in Harry's face] GOT YA!!!! [laughs]

Harry:
[stammers] What?

Lloyd:
[gets up from his wheelchair] You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!!!

Harry:
Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?!

Lloyd:
Uh-huh.

Harry:
So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life...

Lloyd:
[scoffs] Out the window.

Harry:
And you let me come here every Wednesday for like, 1,000 weeks, and it was all just for a gag!?

Lloyd:
Uh-huh!

Harry:
That's... awesome!

Lloyd:
Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse to take the catheter outta me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spittin' straight.

Harry:
We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

Lloyd:
But don't you have to...

[Harry forcefully pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]

Lloyd:
Oh, yeah! [picks up Harry's cat] Hey! Who's this?

Harry:
That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.

Lloyd:
Why did you name him Butthole?

Harry:
'Cause of this. [shows the cat's anus]

Lloyd:
Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

[Harry and Lloyd are in a hotel]

Harry:
Oh, crap! We've gotta get back to Providence!

Lloyd:
What? Why?

Harry:
Remember how I told you Ice Pick had to make that rock candy run down to Maine?

Lloyd:
Yeah?

Harry:
I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole.

Lloyd:
[sighs] Relax. I took care of it.

Harry:
You did?

Lloyd:
Yeah! Billy in 4-C's gonna feed him.

Harry:
[chuckles] Oh, great. Well, didja give him the key to our apartment?

Lloyd:
No! You think I want wheel marks all over the rug? I just wrote him a note, left some food and threw Butthole inside his place when we were leavin'. [goes to bed]

Harry:
But Lloyd, Billy has over 100 rare birds in there!

Lloyd:
So? They're not gonna mess with a 30-pound alley cat! Sheesh.

Billy:
[rolls in the door and puts his keys aside] Hey, gang! I'm home! Guys? [his apartment is completely trashed and the corpses of his birds are scattered] You sure are quiet. [Butthole farts out several bird feathers and hops off the couch] Speak to me, Siskel.

Siskel:
[squawks] The horror. The horror.

Bernard:
[after Harry shows him the letter] But that was a couple years ago, and I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to find her. Let's call her. [He dials her number and hands Harry his cellphone]

Harry:
It's ringing!

[Lloyd hears Penny's cellphone buzzing nearby. He answers it]

Lloyd:
[whispers] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something really important. Can you call back later?

Harry:
[oblivious Lloyd is speaking] No, I can't call back later. I have something to tell you and it might freak you out a little bit, but...this is your dad.

Lloyd:
What? Hold on. [to Adele and Bernard] Hey, guys? I know this is weird timing, but I got to take this. It's my dead dad.

Harry:
[to Adele and Bernard] She's got me on hold.

[Adele and Bernard are confused]

Lloyd:
Dad, what did you do with all those penthouses? Did you throw them out?

Harry:
No, they're under my mattress. Why?

Adele:
[sighs] You idiot, that is Penny's phone! [takes the phone]

Lloyd:
Hey, when is this KEN thing, anyway?

Travis:
It actually starts today, but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.

Harry:
So that gives us...How many days are in April?

Lloyd:
"Thirty days have September, all the rest I can't remember."

Harry:
Must be 31, because nothing rhymes with August.

Lloyd:
No, I think it's 32, Har. April's a leap month.

Harry:
31.

Lloyd:
32.

Harry:
31.

Lloyd:
32.

Harry and Lloyd:
[overlapping] 2, 2, 2! 31, 31, 1, 1, 1!

Travis:
30! There's 30!

Harry:
Thank you.

Travis:
You said 31.

Harry:
Yeah, but I was closer.

Travis:
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 3. Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.

Lloyd:
1!

Travis:
Nope.

Harry:
3?

Travis:
Nope.

[Harry and Lloyd think for a while]

Lloyd:
Okay, what is it?

[Travis looks at Lloyd, quizzically]

Travis:
2.

Lloyd:
[groans] Oh, I swear I was gonna say that!

[Harry and Lloyd are walking to El Paso after their hearse got hit by a train; Harry is deaf]

Lloyd:
[thinking Travis drove off on them] I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse. I hope something really bad happens to him.

Harry:
No, but I tried ostrich once.

Lloyd:
[stops Harry] Harry, holy cow! I'm worried about you. [waves his hand over Harry's face] You're as deaf as a bat.

Harry:
That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Harry:
This is stupid Lloyd, I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!

Lloyd:
Relax we're just looking for a backup pair, there's gotta be some around here.

[Lloyd and Harry search Mrs. Snergle's room for a hearing aid.]

Mrs. Snergle:
Mikey?

Lloyd:
[pretending to be Mrs. Snergle's grandson] Yeah, Gran. It's Mikey.

Mrs. Snergle:
Oh, thank God you're here. I've got the diamonds.

Harry:
[loudly] Did she say diamonds?

[Lloyd frantically shushes Harry and dashes to Mrs. Snergle's bed.]

Lloyd:
Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.

Mrs. Snergle:
I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go. I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.

Lloyd:
That's good. Granny did a good thing! So, where are the rocks?

Mrs. Snergle:
[pointing down] They're underneath me.

Lloyd:
[about to look under bed] You mean, under the bed?

Mrs. Snergle:
No, under the blanket.

Lloyd:
Oh.

[Lloyd puts his arm under blanket and searches; Mrs. Snergles starts moaning.]

Lloyd:
[chuckling] I'm not finding anything.

Mrs. Snergle:
Go up more.

[Lloyd reaches his arm under blanket further towards Mrs. Snergle.]

Lloyd:
Up here?

Mrs. Snergle:
Keep going.

[Lloyd reaches his arm up even further, unaware he has just stuck his hand up Mrs. Snergle's vagina]

Lloyd:
Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Mrs. Snergle:
Yeah, right. [inhales seductively]

Lloyd:
[wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here!

Mrs. Snergle:
[sternly] And you're not my grandson!

Lloyd:
[trying to pull out his arm] Harry, she's got me. She's really clamping down!

[Lloyd finally pulls his hand out from blanket, now covered in dust. Mrs. Snergles giggles mischievously.]

Harry:
[shuddering] Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina!

Mrs. Snergle:
That's right! So you can cross that one off your bucket list!

[Lloyd blows dust off his hand. Some of it flies into his and Harry's faces and they cough.]

[After destroying the Mutt Cutts van, Harry and Lloyd are now driving a Zamboni. They beep the horn several times. On a country road, they cut past a tractor. While driving down a road surrounded by trees and bushes, Harry notices that Lloyd is asleep and intentionally drifts to the side of the road so that Lloyd's face hits several bushes, waking him up]

Harry:
Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! [giggles goofily as Lloyd glares in anger at him]

[Harry and Lloyd bathe in nuclear waste water from a power-plant. That evening, Harry and Lloyd are back on the road, now glowing green from the water]

Lloyd:
I feel really good, Har.

Harry:
Me too!

Lloyd:
Really good!

[The next day, Harry and Lloyd are trying to out-drive a massive tornado]

Lloyd:
[panicking] You might wanna step on it, Har!

[Harry is frantically driving at full speed, while Lloyd is pretending to run, as well as flapping his arms like a flying eagle. The next day, the sky is clear as Harry and Lloyd are driving down a desert road. They pass a road sign that reads "El Paso:
20 miles" and "Juarez, Mexico: 25 miles." Finally, Harry and Lloyd reach El Paso and arrive at the KEN Conference]

Harry:
You're hot for my daughter!

Lloyd:
What?

Harry:
Am I right?

Lloyd:
What?

Harry:
Am I right?

Lloyd:
That's insane!

Harry:
Don't deny it, Lloyd!

Dr. Lewis Meldman:
[dragging Harry by his arm] You're out of here. You're out.

[They run into Adele, accompanied by Dr. Walcott and Captain Lippincott]

Harry:
[surprised] Mrs. P.! What are you doing here?

Dr. Barbara Walcott:
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P.?

Harry:
Oh, uh... How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.

Adele:
This man is a fraud. And that box belongs to my husband. He stole it from us.

Captain Lippincott:
Hand it over, buddy.

Harry:
Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.

Captain Lippincott:
Gimme the box!

Harry:
Here you go.

[Harry and Lloyd are sitting on the back of a hauler with seats on the back, drinking milkshakes]

Lloyd:
Oh crap! I ordered a vanilla shake and they give me a chocolate one!

Harry:
Tell me about it! I ordered a chocolate shake, those jokes gave me a vanilla one!

Lloyd:
They do that a lot! [They throw both their shakes out without realizing they have each other's shakes; the milkshakes hit the front of a truck behind them and splatter all over the window]

Familiar voice:
What the HELL!??! [The driver turns out to be a much older Sea Bass]

Sea Bass' Friend:
Kick his ass Sea Bass!

Sea Bass:
Those dirty sons of b*tches!!! [He pushes the accelerator and pursues them for long-awaited revenge]

Lloyd:
How much for a beer?

Bartender:
It's gratis.

Lloyd:
[misunderstanding what "gratis" means] Ooh. That sounds expensive. Can you give us a moment?

[Harry and Lloyd turn around to talk]

Harry:
Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes. Maybe we shouldn't drink.

Lloyd:
No way! I need booze, man. If I meet your daughter without a buzz on, she'll think I'm an idiot. [notices two men finishing their beers and gets a sneaky idea] Hey, wait a minute! What about the ol' Stinkeroo?

Harry:
[thinks for a moment] Yeah! I'm in.

[Harry and Lloyd sneak over to the table, where they mix various drinks to create fake beers. Then, they scratch their butts with one hand each and grab the beer glasses with the same hand]

Lloyd:
[to Ms. Sourpuss as she walks by] 'Scuse me, ma'am.

Ms. Sourpuss:
Yes?

Lloyd:
This beer smells funky. Could I have a new one, please?

Ms. Sourpuss:
What do you mean funky?

Lloyd:
Go ahead. Take a sniff. [holds out the glass for Ms. Sourpuss to sniff]

Ms. Sourpuss:
[sniffs the glass] EWW! [takes the glass] I'll get you a freshie.

Harry:
Mine's stinky, too. [holds out the hand that he scratched his butt with, only for Lloyd to hit him on the arm, reminding him to hold the glass out. Harry does so]

Ms. Sourpuss:
[sniffs Harry's glass, then gags in disgust] Yours smells even WORSE! [takes the glass] I'll be right back.

[Harry and Lloyd laugh]

Lloyd:
"Yours smells even worse!"

Harry:
Thanks. You're really good at that, Lloyd.

Lloyd:
Well, I learned from the best. [looks up] Thanks, Mom.

Lloyd Christmas:
Crap on toast!

Lloyd Christmas:
Hey, Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.

Harry Dunne:
[going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.