Home Movies

Paula Small:
What were you saying?

Brendon:
Can we move the flowers?

Paula Small:
Before that.

Brendon:
This meatloaf is dry.

Paula Small:
Before that.

Brendon:
This is *meatloaf*?

Paula Small:
Before that.

Brendon:
This fish is dry.

Coach McGuirk:
This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.

Paula Small:
I'm getting a raise!

Brendon:
That's great!

Paula Small:
Well, I'm going to ask for a raise.

Brendon:
Well, that's, um... practically great!

Coach McGuirk:
Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it.

Melissa Robbins:
You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you?

Brendon:
I'm sorry.

Melissa Robbins:
Who is she?

Brendon:
Just some woman.

Melissa Robbins:
Is it because I'm fat?

Brendon:
No... In fact, she's fat too.

Jason:
People hate me!

Coach McGuirk:
Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.

Brendon:
Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.

Voice in crowd:
Tomorrow's Saturday!

Brendon:
Okay, noon today.

Voice in crowd:
It's 2:30!

Brendon:
All right! Uh... 2:31. I shall resign officially at 2:31 today.

Brendon:
Any questions? Anybody... have any... .uh... requests?

Voice in crowd:
Can we get pizza more?

Brendon:
"Pizza more"! I have no idea what that means. Next question.

Voice in crowd:
Is ketchup a vegetable?

Brendon:
Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit! It's a magical fruit!

[Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year]

Brendon:
All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for... the rest of our lives.

Melissa Robbins:
Okay.

Jason:
What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?

Brendon:
Then you miss your turn.

Dixie Smithley:
Excuse me... hi! Hi! I'm Dixie Smithley from Channel 1 News and I wanted to congratulate you kids on your award!

Brendon:
Oh!...

Dixie Smithley:
I'd love to do a piece on you three kids!

Jason:
You mean, um... beat us up?

Coach McGuirk:
I've been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia.

Brendon:
Wow.

Coach McGuirk:
And South America, I haven't been to there yet.

Brendon:
Hey, Mitch.

Mitch:
Hey, how ya doin'?

Brendon:
How's it going?

Mitch:
It's goin' goood.

Brendon:
Yeah, you look good.

Mitch:
Yeah, I put an extra "o" in the "good" 'cause it's so good.

Jason:
You're stupid!

Melissa Robbins:
You're stupid!

Jason:
You're stupid!

Melissa Robbins:
[sighs] What are we arguing about?

Jason:
Who is stupider.

Melissa Robbins:
No, we need to get a video camera.

Jason:
Why don't we build one?

Melissa Robbins:
That's stupid.

Jason:
You're stupid!

Melissa Robbins:
You're stupid!

Brendon:
Why aren't you coaching?

Coach McGuirk:
I'm letting Drew run the practice. That's what assistant coaches are for, running the practice.

Brendon:
Yeah, I guess.

Coach McGuirk:
Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry.

Brendon:
You know, the team really seems to like him.

Coach McGuirk:
And getting me food...

Brendon:
Right.

Coach McGuirk:
Buying me lottery tickets...

Brendon:
How's it going?

Coach McGuirk:
Well, I just drank pee. How's it going with you?

Melissa Robbins:
You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot!

Jason:
Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore.

Melissa Robbins:
Then they'll just call you idiot.

Jason:
Okay, how about laser surgery?

Melissa Robbins:
Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm...

Jason:
I don't mind; it will help...

Melissa Robbins:
...Out of your eye!

Jason:
Oh my god!

Coach McGuirk:
[Cuts down door with two swords] It's Spaghetti Time!

Coach McGuirk:
Remember, You made someone do something bad with swords.

Coach McGuirk:
Hey, My Swords are worth more than all these foods combined.

Clerk:
Yes, But we do not accept swords.

Coach McGuirk:
Why don't you accept swords?

Clerk:
Let me ask my manager. [Picks up Phone] Uh Yeah, Leo? *mumbles* call the cops.

Coach McGuirk:
[looking at a bald child with an oxygen ventilator] I love this kid. He's like a chipmunk with a disease.

Brendon:
[sigh] I know this is only a sitcom but... ugh, nobody can be that stupid.

[Coach McGuirk appears with Brendon at juvenile court]

Judge:
Brendon, is this your guardian?

Brendon:
I don't know.

Coach McGuirk:
Uh, John McGuirk, Your Honor.

Judge:
Have I seen you in court before?

Coach McGuirk:
Yes, several times, but that's not important, sir. What's important is that my retarded nephew is innocent.

Brendon:
I'm NOT retarded.

Coach McGuirk:
Yes you are, Brendon, now shut up. Uh, Your Honor, during the day of the accident, Brendon was suffering from a severe bout of, uh, mentally challenged... stuff.

Brendon:
What are you doing?

Coach McGuirk:
Mistrial, Brendon. Also, Your Honor, uh, Brendon was suffering from dementia, which, uh, was passed down to him from... me.

Judge:
Now, wait, now...

Coach McGuirk:
I don't even know where I am right now, Your Honor.

Brendon:
I got hit... I was hit by a car!

Judge:
Now, you were hit by a... r-right. S-so what are you telling me here?

Coach McGuirk:
Well, that Brendon was hit by a car, and that... that it was, uh, his fault.

Brendon:
You'd make a FANTASTIC lawyer.

[to the pharmacist]

Paula Small:
I need to refill this prescription. It's for my anxiety disorder and, uh, it's working nicely 'cause, uh... I wouldn't be able to approach you otherwise.

Brendon:
[Paula turns off his camera] Mom, no...

Paula Small:
No, Brendon, you're supposed to be resting, the doctor said it was psychosomatic. Or stress related. Or... menopausal. Something. I wasn't paying attention.

Coach McGuirk:
[drunk] You wanna know something? *Anyone* can become a soccer coach. Like, they don't regulate. Like you have to get a degree, right? So you're qualified.

Nurse Kirkman:
Yes... I do have a degree.

Coach McGuirk:
Yeah, I'm not. You can become coach, of a sport that you don't care about, you don't know how to play, you're not good with kids. But I have had the job for three years. You'd think that they would check up but they don't.

Coach McGuirk:
I'll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I'll race / To feel alive / And I'll race / To feel like I own this place / And I'll race until I die / And I'll race against the other racers / And I'll race with one big shout / And I'll race against the clock / And I'll race against myself / And I'll race / And I'll race!

Various:
Rabbit Troop sucks!

Coach McGuirk:
Uh, this is a poem I call "New York Times". New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you're better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.

Jason:
[as a bellhop] Will you be staying with us for business or pleasure?

Melissa Robbins:
Both.

Jason:
That would be bleasure. Or plusiness.

Clarice:
Why is he calling you Coach McGuirk?

Coach McGuirk:
I don't know. He's probably *retarded*.

Coach McGuirk:
Brendon, I know something is going on.

Brendon:
Nothing is going on, Coach McGuirk.

Coach McGuirk:
Hey, I said something's going on, now let me tell you a story, all right? About me. I once went astray myself.

Brendon:
I am not astray.

Coach McGuirk:
Shut up and listen, Brendon. And learn.

Brendon:
Okay.

Coach McGuirk:
Now when I was in college I went through some weird times...

Brendon:
I didn't know you went to college.

Coach McGuirk:
A couple of days I did. Alright, and I ran with a gang. The gang was called the Feelgoods. It wasn't the toughtest gang in the world... it was more like running with the cast of a broadway musical. Very annoying. Alot of freaky interpretive dance stuff - beads, makeup - in other words *drugs*, Brendon.

Brendon:
Coach McGuirk, I am *not* doing drugs.

Coach McGuirk:
You don't remember the Feelgoods, Brendon?

Brendon:
Am I...

Coach McGuirk:
Huh?

Brendon:
No!

Coach McGuirk:
Is that it?

Brendon:
What?

Coach McGuirk:
Denial is the first sign that you've got a problem, Brendon.

Brendon:
No it's not. Denial is the first sign that I *don't* have a problem. That's why I'm denying it.

Coach McGuirk:
That doesn't work that way, Brendon. You can't fool me with your logic. If you're denying doing it that means you're doing it.

Brendon:
You mean like, uh, "He who smelt it dealt it"?

Coach McGuirk:
I don't know from poetry, Brendon. But if you're doing drugs, you're doing drugs and that's bad.

Brendon:
But I'm not doing anything.

Coach McGuirk:
Well you're doing this!

Brendon:
[sigh] Mr. Freckles again?

Coach McGuirk:
Hey, he who's late cleans Mr. Freckle's crap. Alright, bring it in!

Coach McGuirk:
What is going on in Mexico?

Coach McGuirk:
DVD... DVD...

Cynthia:
Did you just say "Awesome"?

Coach McGuirk:
Who wrote the Gettysburg Address?

Brendon:
Nixon!

Coach McGuirk:
That's right!

Judge:
What I'm doing is deciding an appropriate punishment. That's the phase of the trial right now.

Coach McGuirk:
Your honour, might I suggest a spanking - on his tush-tush?

Brendon:
[singing] We are artists...

Jason, Melissa Robbins:
Yes, we are!

Brendon:
Doodle-e-doo!

Jason, Melissa Robbins:
Yes, we are!

Melissa Robbins:
Watch us paint, and sculpt, and write!

Brendon:
We're so creative we just might - sit in caf?s and drink cappuccino!

Melissa Robbins:
Philosophize and swat mosquitoes!

Jason:
Sit around and eat burritos!

Brendon:
To be an artist sure is neato!

Brendon, Jason, Melissa Robbins:
We are artists and we're blessed - by - Zeus!

Melissa Robbins:
Coach McGuirk, what's the matter? You don't look so good. Are you on another bender?

Coach McGuirk:
Where'd you learn that word, Melissa?

Melissa Robbins:
From you.

Coach McGuirk:
Oh, right.

Coach McGuirk:
I can't sleep, I have insomnia.

Melissa Robbins:
What's that?

Coach McGuirk:
You don't know what insomnia is?

Melissa Robbins:
No.

Coach McGuirk:
It's when you can't sleep.

Melissa Robbins:
Did you try lying on your bed and, you know, having your eyes closed and just relaxing?

Coach McGuirk:
Oh, that's genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you're saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you're saying, Melissa? Good. 'Cause it's brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you'll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep, [shouts] is lie in your bed*!

Melissa Robbins:
All right! Coach, I was just trying to help.

Coach McGuirk:
I'm sorry, Melissa, I didn't mean to snap at you, all right? It's just that I haven't slept in four nights, all right? Then I've got you peeping in my ear about stretching.

Melissa Robbins:
I'm just trying to help.

Coach McGuirk:
Like every other woman in my life!

Coach McGuirk:
Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker.

Coach McGuirk:
All right, listen up, that was a good game. We all showed up, and I'm proud of that.

Melissa Robbins:
Coach McGuirk, I was just wondering how come they cancelled the game after ten minutes?

Coach McGuirk:
Well, because we were losing by 20 goals, Melissa. It's called the Slaughter Rule. You know, Melissa, if we played the full game, we probably would have lost by a hundred goals. I don't know why I'm saying "we". I wasn't out there running around like it was the first time I ever used my legs! Melissa.

Melissa Robbins:
Okay!

Coach McGuirk:
You know, it's like when they stop a boxing match because the guy's bleeding too much, you know, all cut up. Only this was worse. I mean, fractured jaws get wired shut; broken noses become badges of courage... Melissa.

Melissa Robbins:
[whispers]... okay.

Coach McGuirk:
It tastes like pee turkey!

Coach McGuirk:
I actually got into a fight last week.

Brendon:
Yeah? Who'd you fight?

Coach McGuirk:
That kid David over there... yeah, he can't fight.

Brendon:
Coach, do you think I'm stupid?

Coach McGuirk:
Of course you're stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.

Brendon:
[narrating video] Fenton is... thoughtful.

Girl in Duck Sweater:
Do you like my new sweater?

Fenton Mulley:
Is it supposed to be UGLY?

Brendon:
[narrating video] Fenton is... generous.

Fenton Mulley:
[playing tug-of-war with doll] It's MINE!

Perry:
I just want to look at it!

Fenton Mulley:
I don't care! It's MINE! Don't look at it!

Perry:
WALTER? W-where ARE you?

Brendon:
[narrating video] Fenton is... grateful.

Fenton Mulley:
It's not great at all! I want pony rides!

Fenton's Mom:
Renting a pony was too expensive, Fenton. Maybe next year.

Fenton Mulley:
MAYBE NEXT YEAR? I want pony rides THIS YEAR!

Fenton's Mom:
But the magician was supposed to be the...

Fenton's Mom:
[interrupting] HE *SUCKS*, MOM!

Fenton's Mom:
[shocked] Fenton!

Fenton Mulley:
You know what, Mom?

Fenton's Mom:
[nearly in tears] What, honey?

Fenton Mulley:
I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

Fenton's Mom:
[breaking down] Oh, Fenton!

Coach McGuirk:
There's a tornado coming. So I'm gonna stay down here with the baby, you guys go upstairs and play.

Melissa Robbins:
Shouldn't we stay down here with you?

Coach McGuirk:
No, it's not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado, Melissa.

Melissa Robbins:
But I thought you're supposed to go together.

Coach McGuirk:
No! The rule is, Melissa, you separate.

Melissa Robbins:
Are you sure?

Coach McGuirk:
Yeah. If you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated it's just like a fun ride. But if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other, then your heads collide and you die.

Coach McGuirk:
Brendon, Melissa... Jason?

Melissa Robbins:
Yeah?

Brendon:
Yeah?

Coach McGuirk:
Is that his name?

Melissa Robbins:
Mmhmm.

Coach McGuirk:
A tornado is coming.

Brendon:
Coach, are you crying?

Coach McGuirk:
No I'm not crying.

Melissa Robbins:
Wait, Coach, a tornado is really coming?

Coach McGuirk:
Yes, that's what the radio said, "There's a tornado coming." So I'm going to stay down here with the baby; you guys go up stairs and play.

Melissa Robbins:
Shouldn't we stay down here with you...

Coach McGuirk:
No. It's not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado Melissa.

Melissa Robbins:
But I thought you're suppose to go...

Coach McGuirk:
No! The rule is Melissa, you separate.

Melissa Robbins:
Are you sure?

Coach McGuirk:
Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated then it's like a fun ride. But, if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die.

Ronald Lynch:
The question was "Who wrote Hamlet?" You wrote "The Pope's cousin, Count Pope-ula, a magical monster with pencils for arms".

Brendon:
I'll be honest, Mr. Lynch. I made that one up.

Coach McGuirk:
Remember what I told you about Area 51.

Brendon:
Yeah, it's where they store the frozen bodies of the aliens that landed on earth.

Coach McGuirk:
What about Area 52?

Brendon:
It's where they store the frozen bodies of the illegal aliens.

Coach McGuirk:
Very good. It's also a porn movie.

Coach McGuirk:
[being examined by the nurse] Lady, you can come on to me all you want. I'm gonna say no every time.

Brendon:
[trying on tuxedos] This sucks! I look like a magician.

Andrew Small:
Oh, you look good.

Brendon:
No, I look like a magician.

Andrew Small:
No... you look like a waiter at a restaurant that has no child labour laws.

Coach McGuirk:
Do you wanna know what a real rash is?

Brendon:
No.

Coach McGuirk:
I'll tell you. You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that you go blind. That's how bad it is. You blow up like a balloon, you look like a circus freak, you know what I'm talking about?

Brendon:
No.

Coach McGuirk:
Next thing you know, you're in the circus, touring, making good money.

Brendon:
Wow.

Coach McGuirk:
You know my life.

Coach McGuirk:
Rashes come from bad hygiene, all right? So what you've gotta do, whenever you go to a public restroom, and you sit on a toilet seat, put the toilet seat cover down. And if they don't have them there, manufacture one out of toilet paper, or your shirt, or your socks. Anything to cover the seat.

Brendon:
[a "historical" movie] Yes! I, George Washington, born in 1492, freer of the slaves, and the first president of this, our country! Though, savagely impeached for the shooting of Abe Lincoln, I will lead us into the demise of all humans!

Jason:
I am Picasso! I cut off my ear with a razor in a major shaving accident, then mailed it off to an ex-girlfriend, just for laughs! And I guess I paint, too.

Brendon:
Linda, I don't dislike you, but I dislike being around you.

Coach McGuirk:
Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I'm eating that there's about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever's on the TV, whatever's in the paper. Then I walk outside and it'll be a nice day. Well that's great that's a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I... you apparently can't play music after 6:00 pm... in this country

Jason:
[into a walkie-talkie] Look, I'm just happy everybody's safe. Safety is the most important thing in the world.

Coach McGuirk:
Brendan! Make this kid stop talking through that thing before I break it.

Jason:
Brendan... make this guy kiss my ass, and then put on some deodorant... because of the stink coming from him. [McGuirk smashes the walkie-talkie]

Jason:
What's detention?

Brendon:
It's where they make you sit in a room and - that's about it.

Jason:
So it's like therapy.

Brendon:
Kind of.

Paula Small:
Would you mind setting the table? Dinner's going to be ready soon.

Brendon:
Can I do it after dinner?

Paula Small:
Sure.

Melissa Robbins:
Listen to me, junior, when I'm finished with you, you'll be the envy of all the idiots on your block.

Jason:
Wow. There are a lot of idiots on my block.

Coach McGuirk:
Melissa, get in there and replace Janeane.

Melissa Robbins:
Coach, my arm's broken, remember?

Coach McGuirk:
Your *arm* is protected by a cast. It's safer than it was before, now get in there.

Coach McGuirk:
[Brendan is being sent to a "Scared Straight" prison program] I've been to the can a few times, Brendan. That's what we call it, the can. So when you're there, you call it the can, all right?

Brendon:
What do you call cans in prison?

Coach McGuirk:
You mean like actual cans? Like food - cans of food?

Brendon:
Yeah.

Coach McGuirk:
Those are still cans.

Coach McGuirk:
Brendan, let's get out of here.

Brendon:
Why? I have to study...

Coach McGuirk:
'Cause they're not like us here. Brendan, we're different, we're not studiers. We're not the worker ants. We're the queens! You and me are the queen bees!

Brendon:
[directing a cop movie] Okay - Interior, unmarked police car, morning. Mulligan and Winooski sit and slurp their coffee. Mulligan is behind the wheel.

Melissa Robbins:
[Jason and Melissa "slurp" their coffee alternatly] Slurp.

Jason:
Slurp.

Melissa Robbins:
Slurp.

Jason:
Slurp.

Brendon:
They finish - they finish the coffee.

Jason:
Slurp.

Melissa Robbins:
Slurp.

Jason:
Slurp.

Melissa Robbins:
Slurp.

Jason:
My head is spinning.

Brendon:
Oh, they put that coffee down. Oh boy, that coffee is going downtown...

Melissa Robbins:
Slurp.

Jason:
Slurp.

Brendon:
[shouts] Put the coffee down!

Brendon:
Freakie!

Melissa Robbins, Jason:
Outie!

Brendon:
Freakie!

Melissa Robbins, Jason:
Outie!

Paula Small:
Hey kids, who wants ice cream?

Brendon, Jason, Melissa Robbins, Various:
Yeah!

Paula Small:
Well, get it yourselves!

Brendon, Jason, Melissa Robbins, Various:
Oh.

Paula Small:
No really, who wants some ice cream?

Brendon, Jason, Melissa Robbins, Various:
Yeah!

Paula Small:
Too late!

Brendon, Jason, Melissa Robbins, Various:
Oh.

Paula Small:
I'm kidding. We're going for ice cream.

Jason:
You're mom's funny, Brendon.

Brendon:
I know.

Jason:
[grimacing] I think it's her timing.

Brendon:
[In his home movie, Brendon plays a man who turns into a monster when he's forced to give a speech. We join him as he's about to give a speech] Oh, no! I think I'm turning into a monster! [slips under podium]

Jason:
[dressed as monster, rising from behind podium] AAAAAAAGGGGH! AAAAAAGGGGH! I'M A MONSTER!

Brendon:
[as some guy in a hat] HEY! He's Using TELEKINESIS!

Jason:
THAT'S RIGHT! I'M USING TELEKINESIS! I'LL BURN YOU UP AND MAKE YOU CRISPY!

Melissa Robbins:
[weakly] My flesh is getting hot!

Brendon:
[discussing his dad's new girlfriend] I dunno, Coach, I just don't like her.

Coach McGuirk:
Why, she ugly or something?

Brendon:
Oh, no! No, not at all! In fact, she's gorgeous!

Coach McGuirk:
Really?

Brendon:
Yeah, she could be like in a magazine or something!

Coach McGuirk:
[intrigued] What, like a DIRTY mag?

Brendon:
Uh, no. More like one of those model magazines.

Coach McGuirk:
[disappointed] Oh.

Coach McGuirk:
[drunkenly] So I said to her "You want it clean? HUH? You want it CLEAN? YOU CLEAN IT! CLEAN IT YOURSELF! CLEAN IT YOURSELF!"... and I haven't spoken to my mother since.

[ Brendon is at Fenton's, unwillingly, for a sleepover]

Brendon:
Let's watch TV.

Fenton Mulley:
Very funny. No TV, Mom says.

Brendon:
What?

Fenton's Mom:
6:30, boys. Time for bed.

Brendon:
What?

Fenton Mulley:
Come on, Bren-Bren, let's do something with our hair.

Brendon:
WHAT?

Fenton's Mom:
Get your pajamas on, boys.

Brendon:
WHAT?

Direction:
Brendon is eating dinner, consisting of a white mush, at Fenton's house.

Fenton Mulley:
Do you like it Brendon?

Brendon:
Uh, yeah.

Fenton Mulley:
You don't look like you like it. I don't think he likes it, Mom.

Brendon:
Um, what is it that we're eating?

Fenton Mulley:
Rice!

Brendon:
Yeah, but what's the flavor?

Fenton Mulley:
Rice flavored!

Brendon:
That's... that's what I thought I was tasting...

Brendon:
Whos writing this down?

Melissa Robbins:
I am

Brendon:
So read that last thing to me and really sell it big.

Melissa Robbins:
Okay Jason comes in and says you're acting like a barbarian.

Jason:
That was not even nearly what

Melissa Robbins:
Cause thats where I think the joke is. Cause thats where I think the joke is

Jason:
It seems edited by you Melissa

Paula Small:
Mom! Dad's heartbroken!

Doris Small:
Oh, please. The only way to break that man's heart is to whack it with a shovel. Or, take away his anti-depressants. [beat] Let's get something to eat - I'm starved!

Brendon:
[reviewing a work in progress] Oh, this is *horrible*!

Melissa Robbins:
I think it's 'alternative'.

Jason:
Yeah, it's an alternative to 'good'.

Jason:
[reflecting on a dead cat] I guess what I learned from all this is that the search is the most important part. Right, like, Brendon, when we found the cat it had rabies. So the lesson is that when you search for something, don't find it. 'Cause when you find it, it has rabies.

Brendon Small:
So wait a minute. You're gonna kill the cat?

Veterinarian:
We don't actually call it "killing the cat," Brendon. We call it, uh, "making cotton candy." We whip up a good ol' batch of cotton candy. How 'bout that, Brendon? Do you love cotton candy?

Coach McGuirk:
[showing Brendon his Scottish highland dancing past in a photo album] That was me when I was twelve. And there's my dad. And there's the president of Scotland.

Brendon:
Oh! Scottish highland, is that like step dancing?

Coach McGuirk:
NO, Brendon! *Nothing* like that crap! It's not Irish. It's Scottish.

Brendon:
But aren't you Irish?

Coach McGuirk:
Yeah, but I'm not gay. It's different, it's like a sport, alright? People die.

Brendon:
[Shaking with anger] Knock! Knock!

Linda:
[In labor, screaming] Who's there?

Brendon:
F*** you!

Linda:
F*** you, too!

Stephanie:
But, at least we say there's an afterlife.

Coach McGuirk:
Right, but there's no afterlife.

Stephanie:
Well, yes there is. We all know that.

Coach McGuirk:
Well, we all don't, 'cause who says there is?

Stephanie:
Well, I say there is. We say there is.

Coach McGuirk:
Right, but I say there's not, because there isn't. But I'm not good at arguing.

Coach McGuirk:
Look, I'm beginning to not want to go out with you, so I suggest you turn this around.

Coach McGuirk:
[screams and shouts of disgust coming from Brendan's home] What's, uh, that all about?

Brendon:
Uh, the movie was so boring I spliced in a scene of two dogs having sex.

Coach McGuirk:
Oh, that thing I gave you.

Brendon:
Yea.

Coach McGuirk:
Good move.

Brendon:
Thanks.

Melissa's Dad:
Just two?

Brendon:
That guy killed his wife!

Melissa Robbins:
Brendon, we dont even have any proof.

Brendon:
Did you just say "poof"?

Jason:
Wee-ow!

Melissa Robbins:
Jason, the whole "wee-ow" thing is getting a little annoying...

Jason:
Well Melissa, I think the whole "poof" thing is getting a little annoying.

[Brendon and Coach McGuirk are watching the popular new assistant coach, Drew, run the kids' soccer practice]

Coach McGuirk:
Hey Brendon, how come the team never carried me off the field?

Brendon:
We tried, but you were too big.

Coach McGuirk:
Excuse me?

Brendon:
I mean, uhh... too drunk?

Coach McGuirk:
Yes. Yes I was. But I tell you something Brendon, I am every day, that doesn't mean don't carry me off the field.

Brendon:
I'm not sure that Kafka's "Metamorphosis" is the *best* idea for a rock opera...

Arnold Lindenson:
[plastered on a box of wine] Now LOOK at you. What an adorably PERFECT little young lady!

Brendon:
Ah. Well... I'm not so little...

Brendon:
Look at him out there; everybody else abandoned him. Everybody! Melissa, Jason, nobody cares about him. Nobody cares whether he lives or dies. I'm all that ****ing little piece of ****'s got.

Paula Small:
What did you say?

Brendon:
[hoarse whisper] Nothing!

Coach John McGuirk:
Brendon, there's nothing wrong with lying to women... or the government... or your parents... or God. Alright?

Brendon Small:
Yeah, but what if they figure out you're a liar?

Coach John McGuirk:
What, women?

Brendon Small:
Sure.

Coach John McGuirk:
Then who needs 'em? Lie to men.

Coach John McGuirk:
Oh my god, she's gorgeous. Great. Why couldn't she have been a fat hag like me?

Temp Guy:
MORONS, Paula? I can't believe I was attracted to you!

Brendon Small:
Mom, I know you're proud of your flowers and all, but can't we just move them to the other side of the... um... city?

Paula Small:
No I like them here. What were you saying?

Brendon Small:
Move the flowers?

Paula Small:
Before that.

Brendon Small:
Uh, this meatloaf is dry.

Paula Small:
No, before that.

Brendon Small:
This is meatloaf?

Paula Small:
Before that?

Brendon Small:
This fish is dry.

Coach McGuirk:
[reading Fenton's birthday invite] "Jolly jeepers / Ain't it great? / Fenton Mulley's turning eight / Eat some ice-cream / Eat some cake / Jeepers jolly / Ain't it great?" Wow. That's awful.

Paula Small:
I don't think you're "melon-chested," Brendon.

Brendon Small:
Well, maybe "melon-chested" is the wrong word, but I am messed-up.

Paula Small:
Do you mean "maladjusted"?

Coach John McGuirk:
Here's a piece of advice, Brendon. There's no such thing as psychology. It's all made-up crap. They're all conmen, all of them. Even the women.

Therapist:
Okay, go ahead, Linda. Use the gentle talk. Use it to say something to Brendon.

Linda:
Well... Brendon...

Therapist:
Good. Now we're cooking.

Brendon Small:
Linda?

Linda:
Yeah?

Brendon Small:
I don't dislike you, but I dislike being AROUND you. And I can say that, because we don't know each other at all, and neither of us is making any effort at all. But, who knows? Maybe we should, but then again, maybe we shouldn't.

Therapist:
I'm concerned with your behavior.

Brendon Small:
Yeah, what's new?

Therapist:
Brendon, I know you know about Gentle Talk.

Brendon Small:
I'm being passive-aggressive, aren't I?

Therapist:
No, your aggression isn't passive at all. It's ACTIVE aggression.

Brendon Small:
So you're saying it should be more passive then?

Brendon Small:
Doctor, I forgot I have a note from my mom. I won't be coming back. You know why? Because THERAPY SUCKS!

Andrew Small:
Yeah!

Brendon Small:
Oh! That felt good!

Therapist:
Ouch.