Hot Fuzz

Nicholas Angel:
[echoing line from Shaun Of The Dead] What's the matter Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?

Nicholas Angel:
This sh*t just got real!

Nicholas Angel:
[seeing Danny's film collection] By the power of Greyskull...

Nicholas Angel:
[after watching Point Break] I won't argue that it was a no-holds-barred adrenaline fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.

Nicholas Angel:
(whilst chasing Frank Butterman) PUNCH-THAT-SH*T!

Nicholas Angel:
[after the village doctor is accidently shot in the foot] You're a doctor. Deal with it!

Nicholas Angel:
Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll.

Nicholas Angel:
[after stopping Danny's swan call] That's just going to scare it.

Nicholas Angel:
[after walking into Sandford with a ton of weapons and ammo on him] Morning.

Nicholas Angel:
Idea!

Nicholas Angel:
[after a farmer called Peter Ian Staker has phoned up about a lost swan] P I Staker...Pisstaker! Come on!.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone "ahhrgh"?

Danny Butterman:
[seeing the vast collection of guns] By the power of Greyskull!

Danny Butterman:
[discussing why a person would wear a hat to cover his face] He's f***-ugly.

Danny Butterman:
[while Nicholas is chasing a shoplifter through the supermarket, Danny is reading the taglines of the cheap action films in the half-price bin] Supercop. Meet the cop that can't be stopped.

Danny Butterman:
Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that, if you shoot it, it will blow up?

Danny Butterman:
You're off the f***in' chain!

Danny Butterman:
[cue to hit the sirens and rev the engine] Bring the noise!

Danny Butterman:
"Do you want anything from the shop?" [repeated by Danny and Nicholas]

Danny Butterman:
[After Nicholas correcting his use of Police man] What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?

Simon Skinner:
I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped!

Simon Skinner:
I'm sure if we bashed your head in, all sorts of secrets would come tumbling out...

Simon Skinner:
Absolute tosh, wasn't it? It's annoying that the understudies are actually professional actors. Greg over there was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sheri portrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.

Simon Skinner:
My, my. Here come the Fuzz.

Simon Skinner:
[taking a ginger-haired boy hostage] Stay back! Or the ginger-nut gets it! [the child bites Skinner's hand and runs away] Ow! You little F***ER!

Simon Skinner:
GET! [punch] OUT! [punch] OF MY! [punch] VILLAGE! [punch], [while fighting Angel].

Simon Skinner:
[after tripping and impaling his chin on the spire of a model church] Ooooow...Thith...really...hurtth.... I'm...going...to need thome...icee... creeeeeam....

Met. Sergeant narrating:
Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born, schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training and displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations. Received the Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.

Joyce Cooper:
I hope you had a pleasant trip-- fascist!

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
F*** off, grasshopper![after being shot]

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
[upon being presented with an obvious murder scene] Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
[after Sgt. Angel lays out a plan of action] Very good. What he said.

DC Andy Cartwright:
You wanna be a big cop in a small town? F*** off up the model village!

DS Andy Wainwright:
Murder, murder, murder. Change the f***ing record!

Sgt. Turner:
[after Angel has arrested three underage drinkers] You don't really wanna process all this lot do you? My pen's runnin' out.

DC Andy Wainwright:
[after a bottle of bolognaise explodes in his face] It's alright, Andy! It's just bolognaise!

Michael Armstrong AKA Lurch:
Yarp.

Sgt. Turner:
Oh, Sgt. Angel, someone from London called for you. [Angel turns to face him, he is literally covered in firearms all over his black suit, he has a tooth pick in his mouth] I'll tell 'em you'll ring em back.

PC Doris Thatcher:
[after knocking Tina unconscious with a 'Slippery When Wet' sign] Nothing like a bit o' girl-on-girl.

Sgt. Turner #2:
I dunno, nobody tells me nothin'.

Met Sergeant:
Hello, Nicholas.

Nicholas Angel:
Hello, Sergeant.

Met Sergeant:
How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel:
Still a bit stiff.

Met Sergeant:
It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job, that's what I did.

Nicholas Angel:
I like to think of my office as out on the street.

Met Sergeant:
Indeed you do. Your arrest record is 400% higher than any other officer, which is high time such...skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant.

Nicholas Angel:
(grinning slightly) I see.

Met Sergeant:
(quickly and quietly) In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel:
In where sorry?

Met Sergeant:
In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel:
But that's... in the country.

Met Sergeant:
Yes! Lovely.

Nicholas Angel:
Isn't there a Sergeant's position here in London?

Met Sergeant:
No.

Nicholas Angel:
Can I remain here as a PC?

Met Sergeant:
No.

Nicholas Angel:
Do I have any choice in this?

Met Sergeant:
Neewww.

Nicholas Angel:
Sergeant, I kinda like it here.

Met Sergeant:
Well, you've always wanted a transfer to the country.

Nicholas Angel:
In twenty years or so, yes.

Met Sergeant:
Well done you.

Chief Inspector:
I know what you're going to say, Nicholas, but the fact is you've been making us all look bad.

Nicholas Angel:
I'm sorry, sir?

Chief Inspector:
Of course, we all appreciate your efforts, but you've been rather letting the side down.

Met Inspector:
It's all about being a team player, Nicholas.

Met Sergeant:
You can't be the Sheriff of London.

Chief Inspector:
If we let you carry on running around town, you'll continue to be exceptional... and we can't have that. You'll put us all out of a job.

Nicholas Angel:
With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.

Chief Inspector:
Yyyes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector [Curls lip, menacingly]

Nicholas Angel:
Well, however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account... and that's what the team is gonna make of this!

[Nicholas gets up and storms out, only to see all of his colleagues happily standing underneath a banner reading 'Good Luck Nicholas']

[on Angel's first night in the Crown pub, he spies many underage drinkers and, even though he is not an official member of the Sandford police force until the next morning, he is spurred into action]

Nicholas Angel:
Excuse me.

Underage Drinker:
What?

Nicholas Angel:
When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker:
[confidently] 22nd of February.

Nicholas Angel:
What year?

Underage Drinker:
Every year.

Nicholas Angel:
Get out.

[Nicholas approaches a new target]

Nicholas Angel:
YOU! When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker #2:
[clearly nervous and struggling to come up with a date] Uh... 8th of May, 1969?

Nicholas Angel:
You're 37?

Underage Drinker #2:
[nervously] Yeah?

Nicholas Angel:
Get out.

[he approaches a swotty drinker with glasses]

Nicholas Angel:
When's your birthday?

Underage Drinker #3:
[panicking] Errr--

Nicholas Angel:
OUT!

[after Angel has arrested three underage drinkers and a drunk driver, who turns out to be Danny, Angel's partner, though Angel doesn't yet know this]

Sgt. Turner:
'Sergeant Nicholas Angel'. When did you start?

Nicholas Angel:
Tomorrow.

Sgt. Turner:
Well, I see you've already arrested the whole village.

Nicholas Angel:
Not exactly.

Simon Skinner:
Lock me up.

Nicholas Angel:
I'm sorry?

Simon Skinner:
I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped.

Nicholas Angel:
You're a what?

Simon Skinner:
A slasher... of prices! Ha ha ha, just kidding! I'm Simon Skinner, and I run the local Supermarché. Stop in and see me some time. My discounts are criminal! [runs off] Catch me later!

Nicholas:
Morning...sergeant? [the officer looks at him and starts reading some more] Would you tell the inspector I've arrived please?

Turner #2:
No.

Nicholas:
...Why?

Turner #2:
He's not in yet.

Nicholas:
And how's our guest?

Turner #2:
Guest?

Nicholas:
The inebriate in cell 4.

Turner #2:
I dunno, nobody tells me nothin'.

[encountering Danny Butterman, who Nicholas previously arrested for drunk driving, in uniform for the first time]

Nicholas Angel:
Why are you dressed as a police officer?

Danny Butterman:
... Because I am one?

Inspector Frank Butterman:
Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer. Truly exceptional. But he had one thing you haven't got.

Nicholas Angel:
What's that, sir?

Inspector Frank Butterman:
[jovially] A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!

[after Nicholas has been shown around the police station]

Frank Butterman:
Well, that's just about everything. Unless there's anything you're unclear about?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes, sir, why is everyone eating chocolate cake?

Frank Butterman:
The Black Forest gateau is on Danny as punishment for his little indiscretion.

Nicholas Angel:
Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called 'a little indiscretion.'

Frank Butterman:
No, the gateau is for misplacing his helmet last week. Last night's incident will require something rather more serious.

Nicholas Angel:
Good.

Frank Butterman:
Do you like ice cream?

Nicholas Angel:
I'm sorry sir, I don't follow.

Frank Butterman:
Let's just say we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month!

Danny Butterman:
Dad!

Frank Butterman:
Now, since it's your first day and it's half past eleven, I'd say that's lunch.

Nicholas Angel:
I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.

DS Andy Cartwright:
[sarcastic] Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here, don't we?

Danny Butterman:
Your dad sells apples, Andy.

DC Andy Cartwright:
And raspberries.

DS Andy Wainwright:
I bet you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave.

Nicholas Angel:
I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.

[DC Andy Wainwright takes a drink of his stout, leaving a residue of creamy foam over his large moustache]

Nicholas Angel:
You've got a moustache.

DC Andy Wainwright:
[with an immense attitude] I know.

Danny Butterman:
Have you seen a lot of action, Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel:
I've experienced my fair share, yes.

Danny Butterman:
You cook any fools?

Nicholas Angels:
What?

Danny Butterman:
Did you shoot anyone?

DS Andy Wainwright:
He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov.

Danny Butterman:
[impressed] Cor, where'd you get that?

Nicholas Angel:
The offender had the Kalashnikov.

Danny Butterman:
[still impressed] Cor, where'd he get that?

Danny Butterman:
What was it like bein' stabbed?

Nicholas Angel:
It was the single most painful experience of my life.

Danny Butterman:
What was the second most painful?

DC Andy Cartwright:
Everybody and their mums is packin' round here.

Nicholas Angel:
Like who?

DS Andy Wainwright:
Farmers.

Nicholas Angel:
Who else?

DC Andy Cartwright:
Farmers' mums.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?

Nicholas Angel:
No.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?

Nicholas Angel:
No.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever been involved in a high speed pursuit?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes I have.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?

Nicholas Angel:
No!

[whilst giving a presentation to a gathering of school children]

Nicholas Angel:
Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly it is about procedural correctness in the exercising of unquestionable moral authority. Any questions?

[Danny puts up his hand]

Nicholas Angel:
[sotto] Yes?

Danny Butterman:
Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?

[Angel gives Danny a filthy look]

Peter Ian Staker:
[on the phone, politely] Morning, the swan's escaped.

Nicholas Angel:
[looking around the office, certain it is a prank] The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly?

Peter Ian Staker:
The castle.

Nicholas Angel:
Oh yeah, and who might you be?

Peter Ian Staker:
Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.

Nicholas Angel:
[annoyed] PI Staker? Right, PISSTAKER! COME ON!!

[cut to Angel, standing outside the castle in front of Peter Ian Staker]

Nicholas Angel:
Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?

Peter Ian Staker:
It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill...

Nicholas Angel:
Anything else?

Peter Ian Staker:
Well... it's a swan.

Danny Butterman:
Want anything from the shop?

Nicholas Angel:
You've just been to the shop.

Danny Butterman:
Thinkin' of a different shop.

[watching an elderly man in a large, thick green coat pass by]

Nicholas Angel:
What about this guy?

Danny Butterman:
[surprised] Mr. Treacher?

Nicholas Angel:
Yeah, why has he got that big coat on? He can't be cold, why the extra layer? Maybe he's trying to hide something.

Danny Butterman:
[incredulously] Mr. Treacher?

[Nicholas turns his attention to a young man in a purple track suit, whose white cap is pulled down over the top of his face]

Nicholas Angel:
Okay, what about this guy? Why has he got his hat pulled down like that?

Danny Butterman:
He's f***-ugly?

Nicholas Angel:
Or he doesn't want you to see his face.

Danny Butterman:
BECAUSE he's f***-ugly.

Nicholas Angel:
[turning his attention to yet another suspicious character, this time a tall, muscular brute] What's his story?

Danny Butterman:
Oh, that's Lurch.

Nicholas Angel:
Go on.

Danny Butterman:
He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.

Nicholas Angel:
Uh-huh.

Danny Butterman:
Real name Michael Armstrong.

Nicholas Angel:
Mmm-hmm.

Danny Butterman:
Dad says he's got a child's mind.

Nicholas Angel:
Okay.

Danny Butterman:
He lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister.

Nicholas Angel:
And are they as big as he is?

Danny Butterman:
Who?

Nicholas Angel:
The mum and the sister?

Danny Butterman:
Same person.

Nicholas Angel:
[Thinks on this briefly, then gives up] What shop were you thinking of?

[Discussing Point Break]

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever seen Point Break?

Nicholas Angel:
No.

Danny Butterman:
Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences.

Nicholas Angel:
Is there now.

Danny Butterman:
Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!'

Nicholas Angel:
Yep.

Danny Butterman:
Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'?

Nicholas Angel:
[Annoyed] No I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'!

Tim Messenger:
Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen?

Nicholas Angel:
Uh, it was very enjoyable.

Tim Messenger:
'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'?

Nicholas Angel:
I don't think so.

Tim Messenger:
'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'?

Nicholas Angel:
That's just grossly inappropriate.

[Nicholas and Danny have just chased down a speeding vehicle. Nicholas confronts the driver, Martin Blower and his partner Eve Draper]

Martin Blower:
[unctiously] Was I going a tad fast, officer?

Nicholas Angel:
[reading his license] Yes you were Mister... Blower.

Martin Blower:
Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehearsal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. Romeo, not Juliet. [Eve Draper giggles, annoyingly]

[he sees that Nicholas is copying down everything that he is saying on his notepad]

Martin Blower:
What are you writing?

Nicholas Angel:
Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later.

Martin Blower:
Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- look, just stop writing. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exceeded the speed limit.

Nicholas Angel:
[reading from his notepad] You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehearsal. Do you think this is a sufficient reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?

Martin Blower:
But I--

Nicholas Angel:
To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives?

Martin Blower:
Oh, now this is preposterous!

Nicholas Angel:
[writing] 'Preposterous.'

Martin Blower:
[exasperated] Look! Stop WRITING!

Nicholas Angel:
'Stop writing.'

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off.

PC Doris Thatcher:
I've had my top off in this lay-by. Ha ha!

PC Bob Walker:
Tits.

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
Most likely lost control here, left the road there, and ended up... here.

[Nicholas has chased down the young man in the purple track suit, named Peter Cocker, who has stolen some cookies, and managed to catch him by hurling at him a can of spray paint he grabbed from a random teenager, which hit him square on the head]

Nicholas Angel:
You do not have to say anything, however it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence.

[Danny finally catches up to them]

Peter Cocker:
Hi Danny.

Danny Butterman:
[gasping] Hi Pete.

Nicholas Angel:
Do you know this man?

Danny Butterman:
Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's sister's brother's boy.

Nicholas Angel:
And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?

Danny Butterman:
Couldn't see his face, could I? Not made of eyes!

[after arresting Peter Cocker for shoplifting, he takes him back to the station]

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges.

Nicholas Angel:
What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges?

Simon Skinner:
[suddenly appears and starts offering the cookies that Peter stole to the police staff] I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson.

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
Stealing biscuits is... wrong?

Simon Skinner:
[offering him a cookie] Correct.

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
[eagerly] Oh, thanks!

Nicholas Angel:
And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?

Simon Skinner:
[smiling with ill-concealed sarcasm] Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
[chuckles childishly whilst scoffing a cookie] It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles]

Nicholas Angel:
Mr. Skinner--

Frank Butterman:
Is everything all right?

Nicholas Angel:
Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosecute an individual who has committed a blatant offence.

Frank Butterman:
[whilst eating dessert] Leave this with me. I'll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.

Music Cue:
Oh no!

Danny Butterman:
What made you wanna be a policeman?

Nicholas Angel:
[correcting him] Officer.

Danny Butterman:
What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?

Nicholas Angel:
I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek; he was a sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode round in it every second I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.

Danny Butterman:
Sounds like a good bloke.

Nicholas Angel:
Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students.

Danny Butterman:
What a c*nt.

Nicholas Angel:
Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the law was proper, and righteous, and for the good of human kind.

Danny Butterman:
Shame.

Nicholas Angel:
How so?

Danny Butterman:
I think you'd have made a great Muppet.

Nicholas Angel:
[Angel puts some coins in the swear box] LESLIE TILLER WAS F***ING MURDERED!

DC Andy Cartwright:
Just like Tim Messenger?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright:
And George Merchant?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes!

DC Andy Cartwright:
And Eve Draper?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes!

DS Andy Wainwright:
Martin Blower?

Nicholas Angel:
No, actually.

DS Andy Wainwright and DC Andy Cartwright:
Really?

Nicholas Angel:
'COURSE HE F***ING WAS! [Danny puts money in the swear box] Thank you Danny!

DS Andy Wainwright:
Murder, murder, murder. Change the f***in' record! [DC Cartwright puts money in the swear box] Thank you Andy.

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
Come on Sergeant, you've gotta accept that it was just another nasty accident.

Nicholas Angel:
What are you suggesting?! That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears?

Seargent Tony Fisher:
Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week.

PC Doris Thatcher:
Yeah, accidents happen all the time. What makes you think it was MURDER?

Nicholas Angel:
BECAUSE I WAS THERE!!!

DC Andy Cartwright:
There's a point. Why were you there?

Nicholas Angel:
I was buying... Constable Butterman a Japanese peace lily for his birthday.

DS Andy Wainwright:
What absolute horseshit!

Nicholas Angel:
I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!

Seargent Tony Fisher:
Maybe it was our old friend the Cactus Thief?

PC Doris Thatcher:
Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!

Nicholas Angel:
AM I GOING COMPLETELY MAD?!

DS Andy Wainwright:
[Robert De Niro impression] Maybe you are. Maybe you did it.

DC Andy Cartwright:
Seeing how you're such a big fan of murder!

Nicholas Angel:
WHAT THE F-

Frank Butterman:
Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel:
YES?! [calms down] Sir?

[preparing to watch an action movie]

Danny Butterman:
Point Break or Bad Boys II?

Nicholas Angel:
Which one do you think I'll prefer?

Danny Butterman:
No, I mean which one do you want to watch first?

Nicholas Angel:
You are pulling my leg.

Dr. Robin Hatcher:
I told him several times that you shouldn't eat late at night.

PC Doris Thatcher:
I don't know. Quite like a little midnight gobble. Ha ha!

PC Bob Walker:
C*cks.

Danny Butterman:
Do you really think this is murder?

Nicholas Angel:
I just don't think we should rule it out, that's all.

PC Bob Walker:
[walking past them with Saxon the police dog] I think you're talkin' a load of ol' sh*t.

Danny Butterman:
He thinks you're talkin' a load of ol' sh*t. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

DS Andy Wainwright:
We're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr. Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Knicker-less Ass-wipe and C*nt-stable Fanny Butterbum.

Danny Butterman:
[smiling] Hey, that's us!

[after Danny accidentally shoots Doctor Hatcher on his rifle range at the church fete]

Danny Butterman:
I can't believe I shot someone.

Nicholas Angel:
He's a doctor, he can deal with it.

Danny Butterman:
I've never shot anyone before.

Nicholas Angel:
Believe me Danny, it's not something you ever get used to.

Danny Butterman:
Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle to take our minds off it.

Leslie Tiller:
You know that feller who blew up?

Nicholas Angel:
George Merchant?

Leslie Tiller:
Well, George Merchant- God rest him- wanted to buy this land, so he sent round his legal fella, Martin Blower- God rest him. I thought I might take them up on it, as I haven't really got much family round here, save my cousin Sissy, so I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this?

Nicholas Angel:
No, sorry, you were talking about the offer?

Leslie Tiller:
Well, it turns out that Martin Blower- God rest him- knew where the new bypass road was going, because he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council- God rest her. And then that reporter- God rest him- finds out about the route and tells me this land is very valuable, ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower- God rest them- offered me. So with them up and passed on, I decided to sell it on myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George and Eve- God rest the lot of 'em- had all been talking to. Apparently they want to build a big shopping center or something. Course, cousin Sissy won't be too happy about that but, as far as I am concerned, cousin Sissy can go and fu--

Nicholas Angel:
Would you excuse me for just one second?

Joyce Cooper:
I'm Joyce Cooper, and I trust you had a pleasant trip, Fascist!

Nicholas Angel:
I beg your pardon?

Joyce Cooper:
[indicating her crossword] "System of government, characterised by extreme dictatorship," Seven across.

Nicholas Angel:
Oh, I see. It's "Fascism."

Joyce Cooper:
"Fascism?" Wonderful. [checking her register] Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you there.

[Nicholas glances at the sleeping Bernard]

Nicholas Angel:
Well, actually, uh, I could probably make my own way up. Hag!

Joyce Cooper:
[looking up] I beg your pardon?

Nicholas Angel:
[indicating the crossword] "Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly", Twelve down.

Joyce Cooper:
Oh! Bless you.

Joyce Cooper:
[appears from behind a car during the climactic shootout, moments before firing a machine gun at Angel] FASCIST!

Nicholas Angel:
[after defeating her] HAG.

Simon Skinner:
[over the walkie talkie] Michael? Michael! Are you there? Michael! Is everything okay?

Nicholas Angel:
[imitating Lurch] Yarp.

Simon Skinner:
Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?

Nicholas Angel:
Yarp.

Simon Skinner:
He's not gonna get back up again?

Nicholas Angel:
[nervously] Narp?

Simon Skinner:
[brief pause] Good. Proceed to the castle.

Nicholas Angel:
[upon revealing himself to the NWA] I'm arresting you under suspicion of conspiracy to commit murder.

Roy Porter:
Oh come, come Sergeant!

Nicholas Angel:
You should be ashamed! Calling yourself a community that cares!

James Reaper:
Oh, but we do care Nicholas!

Joyce Cooper:
It's all about the greater good!

NWA Members:
[echoing in agreement] The greater good...

Nicholas Angel:
How can this be for the greater good?

NWA Members:
[echoing] The greater good...

Simon Skinner:
You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.

NWA Members:
[echoing] Appalling...

Nicholas Angel:
You murdered him for that?

Simon Skinner:
Well, he murdered Bill Shakespeare.

Nicholas Angel:
What? ...Oh.

James Reaper:
The dramatic society is an important feather in our cap.

Dr. Robin Htahcer:
We couldn't let Blower jeopardize that. Not when we had two semi-professionals waiting in the wings.

Simon Skinner:
Let's not forget that Greg was an extra in Straw Dogs and Sherry protrayed a cadaver in Prime Suspect.

Nicholas Angel:
Yes, I know!

Annette Roper:
Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!

Nicholas Angel:
So Eve deserved to die too?

Dr. Robin Hatcher:
Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.

NWA Members:
[echoing] Annoying...

Nicholas Angel:
George Merchant?

Simon Skinner:
He had an awful house.

NWA Members:
[echoing] Awful...

Roy Porter:
We begged him in vain to make his residence more in keeping with the village's rustic aesthetic.

Nicholas Angel:
And Tim Messenger? What was his crime?

Simon Skinner:
Tim Messenger's tenure as editor of the "Sandford Citizen" has been unbearable!

James Reaper:
Our once great paper had become riddled with tabloid journalism! Not to mention persistent errors!

Roy Porter:
He listed her age as 55!

Mary Porter:
When actually I'm 53!

Nicholas Angel:
What about Leslie Tiller, one of your own? Her horticultural expertise helped put Sandford on the map!

Joyce Cooper:
Oh, she was ever so good...!

Simon Skinner:
Cousin Leslie was a terrible shame...but it seems she was set on moving away.

Tom Weaver:
We couldn't have her sharing her green fingers with anyone else...

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
Not least those heathens at Buford Abbey!

Dr. Robin Hatcher:
If we can't have her, no one can.

Nicholas Angel:
How can this be for the greater good?

NWA Members:
[echoing] The greater good...

Nicholas Angel:
SHUT IT! These people died for no reason! No reason whatsoever!

Inspector Frank Butterman:
I wouldn't say that. [Nicholas turns to see Frank dressed in similar attire to the NWA members and is shocked] Hello Nicholas. I was like you once. I believed in the immutable word of the law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see, no one loved Sandford more than her. She was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the Floral Committee. When they started the Village of the Year Contest, she worked around the clock. I'd never seen such dedication. But on the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travelers moved into Calahoo Park, and before you could say gypsy scum we were knee deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers.

NWA Members:
[echoing] Crusty jugglers...

Inspector Frank Butterman:
We lost the title, and Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge... and from that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud and whatever the cost, we would make Sandford great again.

Nicholas Angel:
Sir, this doesn't make any sense.

Inspector Frank Butterman:
The adjudicators arrive tomorrow. We had to get everything ready.

Nicholas Angel:
[disgusted] Are you saying this is all about winning the Best Village award?

Inspector Frank Butterman:
This is the Best Village, Nicholas. You've seen the people. They're happy. Contented.

Nicholas Angel:
They're living in a dream world!

Inspector Frank Butterman:
Sergeant Popwell thought much the same as you. I'm disappointed you can't see the bigger picture.

Nicholas Angel:
Well I'm happy to disappoint you, sir! You're going to have to come with me, you are all going to have to come with me.

Inspector Frank Butterman:
No Nicholas, I'm afraid it is you who is going to have to come with us...

Danny:
[opening up his trunk to and revealing the ketchup pouch to Nicholas] Ta-daa...

Nicholas:
Danny, what are you doing?!

Danny:
Saving your skin!

Nicholas:
Danny, this is murder!

Danny:
It's not murder, it's ketchup!

Nicholas:
It's Frank! He's appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner!

Danny:
[defensive] He is not Judge Judy and executioner!

Nicholas:
He is! You've got to help me take him down!

Danny:
I can't. He's my dad.

[shortly after returning to Sandford after faking his own death and tying up Farmer Reaper and his mother]

James Reaper:
What are you going to do? Just walk in and arrest the whole village?!

Nicholas Angel:
[deep voice] Not exactly.

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
Stop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace.

Nicholas Angel:
I may not be a man of god, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which.

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
Oh... f*** off, grasshopper! [produces two derringers from his robe sleeves and shoots Nicholas]

Danny Butterman:
NO! [shoots the Reverend in the shoulder]

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
AAAH! [falls to the ground] Jesus Christ!

Danny Butterman:
NICHOLAS! NICHOLAS! [Nicholas looks up at him; his stab vest stopped the small-caliber bullets] I thought you was a goner.

Dr. Hatcher:
DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Danny Butterman:
Doctor Hatcher, no!

Dr. Hatcher:
Shut up, Danny! I brought you into this world, I think its rather fitting that I should be the one to take you out of it. You and your interfering little friend. Now... drop 'em.

[Danny throws his shotgun to the ground and it fires, blowing off Hatcher's toes on his right foot, Hatcher screams and falls to the ground]

Nicholas Angel:
You're a doctor. Deal with it.

Danny Butterman:
Yeah, motherf***er.

Nicholas Angel:
Danny, let's roll.

Danny Butterman:
What you thinking?

Nicholas Angel:
Pub?

Inspector Frank Butterman:
FREEZE! [the entire Sandford Police force storm into the pub] Officers, arrest this man. Danny, step away from the sergeant.

Danny Butterman:
No, Dad.

Inspector Frank Butterman:
Danny, you will do as you're told.

Danny Butterman:
I'm not taking orders from you anymore!

Inspector Frank Butterman:
[furious] Officers, arrest these men!

Nicholas Angel:
Wait, wait! You can arrest us if you like, you can throw us in prison and go back to being blind, submissive slaves...or you can be real police officers and help us bring an end to this absurd story!

DC Andy Cartwright:
[to DS Cartwright] What the f*** is he on about?!

DS Andy Wainwright:
[to Nicholas] What the f*** are you on about?!

Nicholas Angel:
Have you ever wondered why the crime rate in Sandford is so low, and yet the accident rate is so high?!

Sergeant Tony Fisher:
No. Yeah. What?

Nicholas Angel:
You've been brainwashed, Tony. Brainwashed into naivety by an old man with a murderous obsession!

Inspector Frank Butterman:
This is ridiculous!

Danny Butterman:
No it's not, Dad. It's all very un-ridiculous, and it's only now that I'm starting to realize how un-ridiculous it all is!

Inspector Frank Butterman:
SILENCE, DANNY! Think of your mother!

Danny Butterman:
Mum is dead, Dad. And for the first time in my life, you know, I'm glad. If she could see what you've becomee, I think she'd probably kill herself all over again!

WPC Doris Thatcher:
Sorry, I am completely lost!

Nicholas Angel:
Sandford is a lie, Doris! For the last twenty years, the village has been controlled by Frank and the NWA. They've lulled everyone into thinking this is a perfect village and killed anyone who's threatened to change that! [long pause]

PC Bob Walker:
I reckon he's got something there.

Danny Butterman:
He says he reckons you've got something there.

Nicholas Angel:
I know

Inspector Frank Butterman:
You're not seriously going to believe this man, are you?! ARE YOU?! HE ISN'T EVEN FROM ROUND HERE!

DS Andy Wainwright:
Maybe...it's time to give it up, sir.

Inspector Frank Butterman:
[furious] YOU INCOMPOTENT FLAT-FOOTS! [Frank shoots down the chandelier, using the confusion to make his escape]

Nicholas Angel:
Officer Walker, stay here with Saxon and hold everything down. Officers, let's go!

Danny Butterman:
What about Dad?

Nicholas Angel:
He'll come around again. Want anything from the shop?

Danny Butterman:
How's Lurch?

Nicholas Angel:
He's in the freezer.

Danny Butterman:
Did you say 'cool off'?

Nicholas Angel:
No, I didn't say anything actually.

Danny Butterman:
Shame.

Nicholas Angel:
There was a bit earlier that you missed when I distracted him with a cuddly monkey, then I said 'playtime's over' and I hit him with the Peace Lily.

Danny Butterman:
[gleefully] You're off the f***in' chain!

[attempting an assault on the supermarket meat counter, with the attendents throwing knives at them]

Nicholas Angel:
What's the situation?

DC Andy Cartwright:
Two blokes and a f***load of cutlery! What d'you reckon?

Nicholas Angel:
[spies a line of trolleys at the opposite end of the aisle from the meat counter] Idea!

DC Andy Cartwright:
Angel! Don't you go being a twat now!

Nicholas Angel:
[grinning] I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!

Danny Butterman:
I'll drive!

Nicholas Angel:
SHOTGUN! PUNCH...THAT...SH*T!!!

Simon Skinner:
[Punching Angel with each word] GET...OUT...OF MY...VILLAGE!!!

Nicholas Angel:
[Grabs Skinner's fist] IT'S NOT YOUR VILLAGE ANY MORE!!! [Uppercuts him into a model building]

Big Cops. Small Town. Moderate Violence.

They're bad boys. They're die hards. They're lethal weapons. They're the Fuzz.

Bring the noise.

They're gonna bust your arse.

Met Sergeant:
Hello, Nicholas.

Nicholas Angel:
Hello, Sergeant.

Met Sergeant:
How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel:
Still a bit stiff.

Met Sergeant:
(sniffs deeply) It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job, that's what I did.

Nicholas Angel:
I like to think of my office as out on the street.

Met Sergeant:
Indeed you do. Your arrest record is... (opens a page on his desk with his right hand, reads from it) 400% higher than any other officer (closes page), which is high time such...skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant.

Nicholas Angel:
(grinning slightly) I see.

Met Sergeant:
(quickly and quietly) In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel:
In where, sorry?

Met Sergeant:
In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

Nicholas Angel:
(taking the new information in) That's... in the country.

Met Sergeant:
Yes, lovely.

Nicholas Angel:
Isn't there a Sergeant's position here in London?

Met Sergeant:
(laughs briefly) No.

Nicholas Angel:
Can I remain here as a PC?

Met Sergeant:
(throws his hands up in the air) No.

Nicholas Angel:
(sternly) Do I have any choice in this?

Met Sergeant:
Neewww.

Nicholas Angel:
Sergeant, I kinda like it here.

Met Sergeant:
Well, you've always wanted a transfer to the country.

Nicholas Angel:
In twenty years or so, yes.

Met Sergeant:
Well done you.

Nicholas Angel:
(thinks briefly) Hang on, I don't remember telling you that.

Met Sergeant:
Yes, you did. (He leans over to his desk) You said (He c*cks his head to one side and opens a corner of a thick document on his desk; reading from the document, quickly and quietly) "I'd love to settle in the country sometime, Janine." (He closes his document and looks at Nicholas)

Nicholas Angel:
(Thinks carefully; sternly) I'd like to talk to the Inspector.

Met Sergeant:
(leans forward to his desk phone/intercom) You can speak to the Inspector, but I can assure you, he will tell you exactly the same thing as I have. (He picks up the desk phone handset with his left hand, throws it into his right hand, and uses his left hand to dial the Met Inspector's number)

Met Inspector:
(sliding into the desk, next to the Met Sergeant) Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?

Nicholas Angel:
It's still a bit stiff.

Met Inspector:
And how are things at home?

Nicholas Angel:
I'm sorry, sir?

Met Inspector:
(jovially) How's Janine?

(The Met Sergeant coughs.)

Nicholas Angel:
We're no longer together, sir.

Met Inspector:
Right, well, then where are you living?

Met Sergeant:
(leans over to Met Inspector; quietly) He's staying at the Section House, sir.

Met Inspector:
With the recruits?

Met Sergeant:
(looks into Nicholas's eyes) Yes, he's living out of cardboard boxes.

Met Inspector:
Well then, you're packed already. Nicholas, we're offering you a smashing position with a delightful cottage in a lovely little place that has I think has won Village of the Year...I don't know how many times. It'll be good for you.

Nicholas Angel:
(beat, then) I...don't really know what to say.

Met Inspector:
"Yes"?

Met Sergeant:
(arrogantly) "Yes, thank you"? (He laughs briefly.)

(Nicholas says nothing. The Met Inspector and Met Sergeant are grinning at him.)

Nicholas Angel:
(shakes his head slowly) No, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to...

Met Inspector:
You want to...take this higher? (points up)

Nicholas Angel:
(realising that's what he wants) Yes, yes, I do.

Met Inspector:
You want me to bother the Chief Inspector about this? [indicates the phone]

Nicholas Angel:
Yes.

Met Inspector:
You want me to get the Chief Inspector to come all the way down here?

Nicholas Angel:
Yes, I do.

Met Inspector:
Okay. [shrugs reluctantly, reaches for the desk phone, then shouts, off to his right] Kenneth!

[The Chief Inspector immediately enters from a sliding glass door, to the left of Nicholas and to the right of the Met Sergeant and Met Inspector.]

[Martin Blower and Eve Draper have been murdered and their death has been made to look like a car crash]

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
So, what do we reckon? Sergeant Angel?

Nicholas Angel:
Well, we should get a proper cordon off, screen the remains from public view, Close down the road until the ambulance crew arrives, whereupon we should open a single lane of traffic and ease congestion.

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
Very good. What he said.

[George Merchant's House has blown up with him inside and he's been incinerated to death]

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
So, what do we reckon? Angel?

Nicholas Angel:
Huh?

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
Help me.

Nicholas Angel:
Okay, we get a proper cordon up, we let the fire crews finish their stuff and then we get forensics in to do a thorough sweep of the house.

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
Very good. What he said.

[The Sandford Police Service have been convinced of the truth about Inspector Frank Butterman and the NWA and are about to storm the supermarket, Minus PC Bob Walker, who's holding everything down]

Danny Butterman:
What you thinking?

Nicholas Angel:
Well...

Sgt. Tony Fisher:
We should strike now, while we've got the element of surprise. Longer we wait, more time they've got to mobilize. I say we go in through the front entrance, take the place aisle by aisle. They won't be expecting that.

Nicholas Angel:
Very good. What he said.

Nicholas Angel:
[distracting Michael with a chunky monkey] Hey biggun'. Playtime's over.

Reverend Phillip Shooter:
F*** off, grasshopper! [after being shot]Jesus Christ!

Nicholas Angel:
[after a farmer called Peter Ian Staker has phoned up about a lost swan] P.I. Staker... Right. Pisstaker! Come on!

Tom Weaver:
[while aiming a blunderbuss at Nicholas] You know what you are? A BLOODY BUSYBODY!