My Boys

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Athletes are always talking about giving 110%. Why do they give 10% more than everybody else?

Bobby Newman:
Dude, he might be dead.

Brendan Dorff:
No. No, he's moving.

Mike Callahan:
That's not moving. That's twitching.

Andy Franklin:
Having one kid's enough. Having a second kid? It's the final nail in my suburban coffin.

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, I'm a second kid. You never know. A second kid can be a great and unexpected source of joy.

Kenny Morittori:
[with Andy moved to China] I'll say it. I'm glad he's gone. No offense, PJ. I know he's your brother, but that guy was mean, slow, and a mediocre poker player.

Mike Callahan:
Don't sell him short. He also complained constantly.

P.J. Franklin:
It wasn't "constantly."

Kenny Morittori:
[as Andy] Poker starts too early.

Bobby Newman:
[as Andy] And goes too late.

Mike Callahan:
[as Andy] This ice makes my scotch taste like freezer.

[Brendan enters]

P.J. Franklin:
Missing on some excellent Andy bashing.

Brendan Dorff:
[as Andy] Oh, scotch. Complain. Sleep. Ra-peat.

Stephanie Layne:
It's a scientific fact: couples that have shared hobbies last longer. I read about it in the New York Times.

Kenny Morittori:
Every Day with Rachael Ray.

Stephanie Layne:
Whatever.

P.J. Franklin:
No smoking in the apartment

Brendan Dorff:
I told her to smoke by the window.

P.J. Franklin:
Next time tell her to open it.

Bobby Newman:
Yes, these are bright girls we're dealing with.

[Brendan's been bringing inconsiderate girls into PJ's apartment]

Brendan Dorff:
[to Bobby] You're cranky. Somethin' up, buttercup?

Bobby Newman:
Uh, yeah, it kind of is. A stranger used my toothbrush.

Brendan Dorff:
It's a GUEST toothbrush, all right? You're a guest, too.

P.J. Franklin:
"Guest toothbrush?"

Brendan Dorff:
It's a thing.

Kenny Morittori:
No.

Stephanie Layne:
No, it's not.

Brendan Dorff:
Whatever, dude. You used the last of the milk.

Bobby Newman:
MY milk!

Brendan Dorff:
In my fridge!

P.J. Franklin:
Actually...

Brendan Dorff:
Fine. Fine. OUR fridge, but, I mean, the point is I gotta deal with your stuff, too, like your computer goin' "slammity-slam" early in the morning.

Bobby Newman:
First of all, no computer goes "slammity-slam" - that's a fact - and secondly, noon is not early in the morning!

Brendan Dorff:
[dismissing a suggestion] Dude sucks.

P.J. Franklin:
You don't even know him. You met him for two seconds.

Brendan Dorff:
Whatever, dude. Look, anything you need to know about somebody, you learn in the first five minutes of meeting them.

Stephanie Layne:
Where's this theory coming from?

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, YEARS of observation.

Bobby Newman:
...hooking up with drunk club girls.

Kenny Morittori:
I see the invasion force from planet Foxy has landed. I surrender.

Kenny Morittori:
I'm an acquired taste, like olives.

Stephanie Layne:
I don't like olives.

Kenny Morittori:
You have no taste.

Stephanie Layne:
You said it, not me.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, Bobby, how did you NOT find out who it is, huh? Why didn't you use your powers as a boyfriend to spy? You know, withhold sex or somethin' to get the answer?

Bobby Newman:
What would be in that for me?

Bobby Newman:
I hope out mystery person is hiding in that bag.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The history of baseball is filled with so many myths and legends that sometimes you wonder what the real stories are. Of course, sometimes a simple story can take on a life of its own.

Mike Callahan:
Uh, did Brendan put a baby in your stomach?

P.J. Franklin:
Uh-huh. She lives with my mother.

Andy Franklin:
That's who that little girl is, the one in the rock shirts with the five o'clock shadow.

Brendan Dorff:
Please forget about this.

P.J. Franklin:
Which part, the part you remember or the part you forget?

Brendan Dorff:
The part that I remember, because the part that I forget is the part that YOU remember, which shouldn't even BE a part to remember, which is why it's a part that I forget.

P.J. Franklin:
[recreating an incident in her and Brendan's past] Bobby, you be me. I'll be Brendan. Okay?

Bobby Newman:
What's my motivation?

P.J. Franklin:
Um, you are sitting in the library with Stephanie, pretending to study, maybe even a little excited to see him again.

Bobby Newman:
Okay.

P.J. Franklin:
You're going to say, "Hi, Brendo."

Kenny Morittori:
I love live theater.

Andy Franklin:
These are great seats.

Bobby Newman:
I was in the scene and it felt a little false to me. I'm not sure I buy it.

Kenny Morittori:
It's kind of fun to think of Brendo being a total dick.

P.J. Franklin:
Thank you.

Mike Callahan:
It's also fun to think that PJ made the whole thing up and is therefore pitch-a-tent-on-your-front-lawn crazy.

Brendan Dorff:
Thank you.

Bobby Newman:
Both tempting choices. I'm torn.

Andy Franklin:
[leaving the poker game early] Well, I gotta go. Meredith wants me to come home and help her shellac a jigsaw puzzle. Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Myths have a tendency to distort the truth, and sometimes you're left to ask, "What's really going on?"

P.J. Franklin:
You know it's a funny thing about your wife, Andy. It turns out she does NOT feast on human flesh.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Myths make for nice stories, but at some point you can't blame curses or goats. You have to take responsibility for your own action.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The thing about baseball myths is this: whether they're true or not, they sell the game of baseball; however, the real story, the truth beneath the myth, is just as important.

Bobby Newman:
[having met NASCAR driver Brian Vickers] That was a man.

Kenny Morittori:
What's the difference?

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, gosh, I don't know. To me it's about responsibility, honesty, intelligence...

Mike Callahan:
Bah, blah, blah. These are all abstract concepts, like justice or electricity.

Kenny Morittori:
Bulge doesn't like know-it-alls.

Brendan Dorff:
All right, so what'd you guys think of Ashley?

P.J. Franklin:
Do you buy her a children's ticket at the movies?

Mike Callahan:
Did you meet her at the American Girl Teahouse?

Kenny Morittori:
I enjoyed watching your date on "To Catch a Predator."

P.J. Franklin:
Your turn, Bobby.

Bobby Newman:
No, no, dude, I am completely supportive. I think it is awesome that you're helping her study for her S.A.T.s.

Brendan Dorff:
[picked on for his young girlfriend] You know, when I go out with her friends, they're a lot nicer.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, because they need you to buy them beer.

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, pick another handful out of the man sack.

Kenny Morittori:
Ugh. We gotta rename that.

Stephanie Layne:
Does anyone have an idea for my new book?

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, why don't you take our lives, thinly veil our names, and air all of our personal problems? Oh! Oh, no, wait. You already did that one.

Brendan Dorff:
She's gonna want you to do that list, Mr. Showerhead, okay? And if you do, she will own you.

Bobby Newman:
I'm just trying to be helpful, man.

Brendan Dorff:
Be helpful every now and then, but don't set a precedent.

Bobby Newman:
Run, fish, run!

Brendan Dorff:
You know, sometimes I wish I had a little PJ. You know, one I could take with me to sort of help guide me in the right direction.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, you know what could be a fun experiment?

Brendan Dorff:
Hm.

P.J. Franklin:
Let me make all of your decisions, just for one week, and we'll see if your life is better or worse.

Brendan Dorff:
Interesting idea.

P.J. Franklin:
You might want to agree before you eat the three-week-old yogurt.

Brendan Dorff:
Come on, I'm sure it's fine.

P.J. Franklin:
Brendan has given all of his decision-making rights over to me for a week.

Andy Franklin:
Careful. I did that with Meredith. Never got 'em back.

Kenny Morittori:
Brendan, I was wondering if the Kenny Moritorri Band can get a quick practice session in at the bar before the gig.

Brendan Dorff:
Open mic night and no.

P.J. Franklin:
[to Brendan] I think what you mean is, "I think I can find an hour for you. Whatever I can do to help a friend."

Brendan Dorff:
[to Kenny] I think we can carve some time out for you tomorrow afternoon, pal.

Gwendolyn:
We're supposed to spend multiple lifetimes together. Should we get started?

Andy Franklin:
Like, stop calling my wife to find out if I rehearse. It's weird.

Andy Franklin:
Anyway, I gotta get outta here. I have a wrongful discharge case in the morning.

Mike Callahan:
My wrongful discharges are usually in the morning as well.

Bobby Newman:
Hang up, Mike! It's a trap!

Brendan Dorff:
[having followed an attractive but crazy woman to Tulsa] Dude, that girl is in-SANE. We partied in a quarry. We had sex in a nursing home. I got pushed in a river. We broke into a zoo! Oh! I had to take a bus home, man. Somehow she got me on the no-fly list!

Bobby Newman:
Tulsa has a river?

Brendan Dorff:
Sorry, Peej. Sometimes you gotta just eat the burrito.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Stephanie's taken to calling my boyfriend, Hank, Mr. Perfect, but not without good reason. You see, in baseball, there's a rare breed of player known for having the five tools. They do all the big things well. They hit for average and power, are fast, have strong arms, and are great in the field. Hank is what you'd call a five-tool boyfriend. He's successful, intelligent, charming, handsome...

Stephanie Layne:
...and he's great in bed, too, right?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Adding a disruptive personality to any group can cause all kinds of problems. In baseball that person's called a "clubhouse cancer." With us, he's Trouty.

Trouty:
Hey, nice people, check it. I've been doing that Krav Maga. Ken-dawg, punch me in the stomach as hard as you possibly can. I swear to God.

Kenny Morittori:
Uh...

Mike Callahan:
Could I hit you, please?

Trouty:
Go.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, let me grab my bat.

Trouty:
What's up, fi-zellas?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes all it takes to neutralize a clubhouse cancer is finding even one person who can handle their personality. I don't think I'm that person.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] In sports, regardless of what they look like on paper, you have to be careful about who you introduce into the clubhouse, and the same can be said for friendships, relationships, even your image of yourself, 'cause even a five-tool player can upset the balance of a strong, promising team.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] A wise man once said, "A little friendly competition never hurt anyone."

Kenny Morittori:
Need any help organizing my money?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] I wonder if he was talkin' about this bunch.

Mike Callahan:
[to PJ] All the guys you date suck.

Bobby Newman:
Mm, I kinda like the new one.

Andy Franklin:
You hurt my sister, I'll... have another scotch.

Andy Franklin:
I've been picked last before, but I'm a lawyer now, and I make $800,000 a year.

Brendan Dorff:
You really?

Andy Franklin:
No, but it made you wanna be my friend, didn't it?

P.J. Franklin:
Us, the Dream Team; you, Angola.

Mike Callahan:
Us, Cheez-Its; you, Cheese Nips.

Kenny Morittori:
Us, The Godfather; you, Godfather III.

Brendan Dorff:
Us, Radiohead; y'all, Coldplay.

Bobby Newman:
What's wrong with Coldplay?

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, dude, if you even need to ask...

Andy Franklin:
Who's Coldplay?

Stephanie Layne:
I'm writing an article for Cosmo. It's called "What He's Really Like When You're Not Around."

Kenny Morittori:
When YOU'RE not around? Happier.

Stephanie Layne:
So I need your help.

Kenny Morittori:
You're beyond help.

Stephanie Layne:
Wow. Two jokes in a row, Kenny. You wanna go for three?

Kenny Morittori:
What'd the rug say to the floor?

Stephanie Layne:
I've got ya covered.

[For a free lunch, the guys agree to be observational subjects for Stephanie's next writing assignment]

Stephanie Layne:
I'll be like... Dian Fossey.

Bobby Newman:
[laughs] That's funny.

Bobby Newman:
[to PJ and the guys, who aren't laughing] Dian Fossey was a woman who watched what apes do for a living.

Brendan Dorff:
Oh.

Mike Callahan:
What did they do?

Bobby Newman:
Who?

Mike Callahan:
The apes.

Bobby Newman:
They were apes.

Mike Callahan:
But did they make stuff?

Bobby Newman:
No.

Mike Callahan:
So what do they do for a living?

Bobby Newman:
Mike, go lie down.

Mike Callahan:
Good work, doctors.

Brendan Dorff:
Yes, very steady hands, gentlemen.

Andy Franklin:
Learned it from a colleague of mine, Johnny Walker Have you two met?

Mike Callahan:
Perhaps he's at the bar!

P.J. Franklin:
I mean, what is it about guys that, when you start dating them, they feel free to have opinions about you?

Stephanie Layne:
Well, they're measuring you against the idea of their dream girl, and they've all got one.

Mike Callahan:
[reading the tie-breaker question in the decathlon] In the song "My darling Clementine," how did Clementine die?

Andy Franklin:
She was hit by a bus.

Brendan Dorff:
Dude, they didn't even have buses back then.

Andy Franklin:
Oh! Oh! She was swallowed by a horse.

Brendan Dorff:
What're you talkin' about? Come on, I know this.

Andy Franklin:
She sat on a muffin.

Mike Callahan:
It's a muffet.

Brendan Dorff:
It's a tuffet. It's the wrong nursery rhyme. You're reading too many Golden Books. Just hold on a second, all right?

Bobby Newman:
Brendan, what are you doing here?

Brendan Dorff:
I just brought by some chocolate and an army knife.

Bobby Newman:
Mmm. No. Sweeden.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Friday night. All over the city, people are out on dates, but why would I want to do that when I can do this?

Mike Callahan:
Yes! You're trapped, mouse!

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] No, no. This feels good. We're almost thirty and we're playing a game that says "recommended age three to five." Yup, life is going according to plan.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, my God. Last night I had this dream. I was, like, seventy - still single, still hanging out with the guys.

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, sweetie, I've had that dream about you, too.

Bobby Newman:
I'm just saying, if I had a nanny like that, I would quit my job and I'd stay home just to be with her.

Brendan Dorff:
Dude, if you quit your job, you wouldn't need a nanny.

Bobby Newman:
Okay, let's not overthink this.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, please. Being debonair's not that hard. I'm this far from being Cary Grant all the time.

Kenny Morittori:
You literally have a pound of dip on your chin.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, that reminds me, the dinner party is back on. Bobby, Brendan, you guys in?

Brendan Dorff:
Mmm, I think I'm busy.

Bobby Newman:
Me, too.

P.J. Franklin:
You guys aren't busy. You're just waiting to see if something better comes along. Come on, you guys. I'm just trying to shake things up here.

Kenny Morittori:
They don't wanna come, they don't wanna come.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, PJ, there's no reason to badger them into coming to your dumb dinner party.

P.J. Franklin:
Smooth, you guys.

Kenny Morittori:
I'm like a Honda. Not too flashy but dependable. Mike's like an old convertible Mustang, you know? The girls think it's gonna be fun, but the truth is it's two tickets from a boot, it's missing hubcaps, smells like french fries. Used to be the cool car in the neighborhood; now it's the eyesore in the front yard. That's when they come back to the Honda.

P.J. Franklin:
You have a great nose.

Stephanie Layne:
And shoulders.

Stephanie Layne:
[about P.J.'s date] My God, I just wanna break him in two and suck out the middle.

P.J. Franklin:
All right, Stephanie, put it back in your pants.

Mike Callahan:
My girl's broken.

Kenny Morittori:
So whadda you want ME to do about it?

Mike Callahan:
Give me yours.

Andy Franklin:
I'm just saying you guys are the perfect level of attractive. I mean, you're good-looking but not so much where I feel uncomfortable around you.

Beth:
Well, that's sweet, kind of.

Margo:
And wildly offensive, kind of.

Mike Callahan:
Balls, dude. Brendan is here.

Kenny Morittori:
He's the Porsche to my Honda.

Mike Callahan:
PJ, you gotta help me. Put in a good word with Beth and Maggie.

P.J. Franklin:
Margo?

Mike Callahan:
Whatever. They think Kenny is the catch. Someone's gotta tell these blind idiots what is what.

P.J. Franklin:
Chris is gay.

Mike Callahan:
What? No. I play basketball with him every weekend.

[Chris enters]

Mike Callahan:
Dude, they think you're gay.

Chris:
I am. Do you have a problem with that?

Mike Callahan:
No. You're GAY? Does the rest of the team know?

Chris:
Mike, it's a... gay league.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] In sports it's easy when a player goes pro to lose sight of his love of the game and get caught up in the money, the fame - you, know: the trappings.

Mike Callahan:
I just got back form my yoga class in, uh, Lake Forest.

Andy Franklin:
There's got to be, like, a billion yoga classes closer than Lake Forest.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, but the lonely, rich, beautiful Lake Forest women are diggin' Mike-Mike. It is ass soup out there, and I'm the ladle.

Brendan Dorff:
Hey, you know, in Kenny's defense, it can be a little intimidating to bring a girl around us for the first time.

Kenny Morittori:
Thank you, Brendan.

Brendan Dorff:
Especially if she doesn't exist.

Kenny Morittori:
Now, Julie exists, okay? She's smart, she's sweet, she's funny, and - no offense to Kimmie - but it's nice dating a girl who isn't renting out her uterus.

Andy Franklin:
Hey, if you guys run into any problems, just yell; we'll... yell... something back.

Mike Callahan:
Yes. Booze. Tasty. Yum. Now. Go.

Andy Franklin:
Either you have an amazing real estate agent or I'm seriously misinformed about what reporters make.

Mike Callahan:
All right, urinal. Let's see what cha got.

Brendan Dorff:
Don't even get me stated on that urinal.

Mike Callahan:
I was at yoga class and this girl's husband showed up.

Andy Franklin:
Did you roll out your mat and out-stretch 'im?

Andy Franklin:
[in an British accent] It's so difficult to find a DECENT helicopter pilot.

Stephanie Layne:
Don't "what if" my life away.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] In baseball, it's refreshing when a player who's making millions shuns all of the trappings and plays purely for the love of the game.

Stephanie Layne:
We weren't in the same boat! I played with your boat in my boat's bathtub!

PJ Franklin:
[about Brendan] Okay, does anybody know that douchebag who just left?

Mike:
Not me. I don't hang with douches.

Stephanie:
What's wrong with him?

Kenny:
Ever since you gave him that 'Sexiest Bachelor' thing, he's been shortening his words. "Waffs" and "Vods."

Bobby:
Yeah, it's... annoy.

PJ Franklin:
It was so weird. All she wanted to do today was "Spa" and "Club."

Andy:
I like your verbs that are things. I think I'm gonna sandwich after I sofa here for a bit.

Bobby:
Hey guys. We're just about to go to the bar and beg for some drinks. You want us to beg ya anything?

Debbie:
Yeah, I'll have a Hip 'n Hop with Grey Goose and Corralejo.

Bobby:
A wha'?

Debbie:
Oh, it's like a Cosmo with tequila.

Bobby:
Mmm. Yuck.

Mike:
[reading his letter] Brendan, you screened my call, douchebag. You're a really big douche! If you were a superhero, you'd be Captain Douchebag. Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang, *Douche*. And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag.

PJ Franklin:
Who's he fighting?

Mike:
That's a giant lizard.

[Andy's neighbor mowed his lawn for him]

Andy:
I should do something nice for Fitzy in return. What-what's the protocol?

Bobby:
I don't know. You could reseal his driveway for him. That's a suburbs thing, right?

Andy:
Yeah, but where does it end? He paints my house, I put a pool in his backyard. Next thing you know, we're raising a barn like an Amish community.

PJ Franklin:
[excited] Lyssa is coming in from New York for the weekend. She's my old buddy from college, the editor of my newspaper.

[the boys don't react]

PJ Franklin:
[excited] She gave me my first column.

[the boys still don't react]

PJ Franklin:
[dropping her enthusiasm] She's hot and single.

Mike, Kenny:
[finally interested] Ohhhhh!

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] Every player starts out as a humble rookie. Along the way, the challenge is: how do you stay that way throughout your career?

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, guys, do me a solid and cover my C's and vods. Only got enough cash for a tax. Peace.

[exits]

Tina:
So, PJ, Lyssa tells us that you write for sports.

Lyssa:
She covers the Cubs, and she's brilliant.

Tina:
Wow.

Veronica:
So, come on. Tell us.

PJ Franklin:
Tell you what?

Veronica:
You know - which Cub swings the biggest bat.

Kenny:
I sell sports memorabilia. "Sports!"

Mike:
Gymnastics is a sport.

Kenny:
No, it's not. Can you play defense?

Mike:
No, but you keep score and the most points wins.

Kenny:
So 'Family Feud' is a sport?

Debbie:
[trying to decide where to go while visiting Chicago] How 'bout The Lab Rat?

Lyssa:
Ooo, that sounds perfect. What is it?

Debbie:
It's New York Chicago's favorite New York nightclub in Chicago.

PJ Franklin:
What's "New York Chicago?"

Lyssa:
It's our tour book that lists places that are just like New York... in other cities.

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] One problem with all-stars: you have to hang out with their entourage.

Andy:
I miss the city, where your neighbors are cold and suspicious. It's the way it should be.

Lyssa:
Oh, nothing's like New York. In New York I walk by 50,000 people every day of all walks of life. It's just made me so accepting.

Lyssa:
[to another party-goer] Excuse me. Could you back up? Old Spice makes me sick.

Mike:
I love new York, the city that never sleeps.

Veronica:
[with innuendo] Do YOU sleep or are you UP all night?

Mike:
Oh, I burn the candle at both ends.

Veronica:
Ooo, that's a lot of wax.

Mike:
Totally. Fire hazard.

Veronica:
Oh...

Mike:
What're we talkin' about?

Mike:
[spotting Brendan across the dance floor] I'll call 'im.

Bobby:
Why don't you tell him you're 1984 and you want your sunglasses back?

Kenny:
Or just tell 'im you're 1984 and you want Mary Lou Retton's leotard back.

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] Most entourages are just yes men. They ensure the all-star keeps believing their own hype, but the good ones make sure that, even in success, the player stays grounded.

PJ Franklin:
Okay, that is enough! Brendan, come on, you are NOT mean and awful! Why are you acting like this? This isn't you. I mean, come on, man, look at your belt.

Brendan Dorff:
Hey, you know what...

PJ Franklin:
LOOK AT IT!

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] In success, the challenge is: don't forget where you came from. It sounds easy, but sometimes you need help from the people who love you.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, my God. I gotta get out of here. They're applauding a PAN!

Stephanie Layne:
[excitedly] It's got a copper core.

P.J. Franklin:
Bachelor parties and showers - turns out they're both sexist rituals, but the bachelor party is so much less lame. Plus, there's scotch.

Brendan Dorff:
[as to attending Bobby's bachelor party] I'm broke. I mean, I can't afford it. I can either drink or eat - and, come on, I mean, we all know what I'm gonna choose here.

Andy Franklin:
Hey, if you don't eat, you're gonna get really drunk.

Brendan Dorff:
My hand has been forced.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Stupid bachelor party. Such a dumb, sexist ritual. I wanna go so bad.

Jack Newman:
What's the matter? Not invited?

P.J. Franklin:
No girls allowed, apparently.

Jack Newman:
Yeah, well, we're tryin' to keep cooties out of our treehouse.

P.J. Franklin:
It's so stupid.

Jack Newman:
It is. You're right. And, you know, I'm... I'm not going either, in protest.

P.J. Franklin:
Well, you have to go. You're Bobby's brother.

Jack Newman:
Okay, I'll go, but I'm not gonna have fun, in protest.

P.J. Franklin:
[at a bridal shower] Oh, God. There's no liquor in this punch.

Stephanie Layne:
Shh!

P.J. Franklin:
[at a bridal shower] I've GOT to start carrying a flask.

Mike Callahan:
[finding Bobby sitting with PJ and Stephanie] Don't talk to them.

Bobby Newman:
But... they're our friends, and... I LIKE them.

Mike Callahan:
No girls, remember? We're bachelors tonight. Right, Andy?

[Andy's cell phone rings]

Mike Callahan:
Dude, don't answer that! You and I are the glue holding this bachelor party together.

Andy Franklin:
[dryly] Might be a stripper.

Andy Franklin:
Jo, you remember Mike from the set-up dinner that went nowhere?

Jo:
Oh, right. We had no chemistry at all. How are you?

Mike Callahan:
Fine. Thank you.

Mike Callahan:
[to Andy] Uh, we agreed - no women allowed, just dudes. She has to go.

Andy Franklin:
The "dude" portion of the evening has ended, and now I'm gonna hang out with my friend Jo.

Mike Callahan:
This is crap! You girls are everywhere. No offense.

Jo:
No-no. How could your insisting I leave be offensive? Nice boots.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, thank you.

Jo:
I was being sarcastic.

Mike Callahan:
No, you weren't.

PJ Franklin:
Dude, I cannot date him, okay? He is a Cub! All right, that is breaking, like, a ton of unwritten journalism rules.

Mike:
Unwritten rules were meant to be... written.

Kenny:
...then broken.

Mike:
Written then broken! Thanks, Kenny. I got a little lost there.

Bobby:
He just asked me!

Mike:
Well, of course he asked you! Look at you. You're adorable.

Kenny:
Those dimples.

Andy:
That cute little grin.

Brendan Dorff:
You know, we'd save enough energy to light more than 2.5 million homes if we all just use one of those energy-efficient light bulb things.

Mike:
You mean the six of us?

Brendan Dorff:
No, I meant everyone in America.

Kenny:
I don't know everyone in America.

Andy:
So much for THAT plan.

Andy:
[high voice] "Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?"

Andy:
[low voice] "Well, dear, Mommy was a drunken cast-off."

Bobby:
Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brendo that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.

PJ Franklin:
"Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken cast-off some day?"

Andy:
[low voice] "Dare to dream, sweetie. Good night."

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] Every job has its own set of ethics. In journalism, your job is to report the facts, just get the story, and above all, don't insert yourself in the story.

Matt Dougan:
I know who you are.

PJ Franklin:
Really?

Matt Dougan:
Yeah. Press conference at spring training, you asked me why I had no control of my fastball.

PJ Franklin:
Sorry. It's gonna come up when you hit six batters in three innings. Flattered you remember, though.

Matt Dougan:
Well, you're hard to miss in a clubhouse.

PJ Franklin:
Thanks. So are you, even though you're wearing the same thing everyone else is.

Matt Dougan:
Well, that's why we're all numbered.

Matt Dougan:
Are you flattering me now? Because, I'd be flattered if you were.

PJ Franklin:
Are you saying you'd be flattered to be flattered by me? That's flattering.

Trouty:
Hey, Sportin' Life, what number of sexy are YOU?

Bobby:
Um... I'm not on the list, Trouty.

Trouty:
What? Interrabang? What happened? You photograph puffy?

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] I know I shouldn't insert myself in the story, but... what if that story has striking blue eyes and a jaw line that can slice cheese?

Kenny:
I know him. He's on my fantasy team. He's breakin' my heart and he'll break yours, too.

Mike:
Hold it. You're taking your girlfriend to a party where the hottest, richest women in Chicago will be throwing themselves at you?

Brendan Dorff:
What's wrong with that?

Mike:
Dude, you don't bring sand to the beach.

Kenny:
Don't take Mike. Take me. I'm even less threatening.

Brendan Dorff:
Wow. What a sad competition.

Bobby:
Hey, Brendan, wherever you're goin', I'll show you how to get there.

Andy:
Weird. I always thought watchin' TV in your underwear was your wheelhouse.

[repeated line]

Kenny:
I'm about to disgust myself.

Mike:
All right, let's find the S.S. Brendan and start scrapin' off the lady barnacles.

Brendan Dorff:
All right, all right. Take it easy. Let's not all turn on each other - a**holes.

Stephanie Layne:
Where are your pots and pans?

Mike Callahan:
[laughs] "Pots and pans." You're cute.

[in Mike's apartment]

Mike Callahan:
Uh, so, what do you guys think?

P.J. Franklin:
I think that you can't bring Marcia here. I think she'll take one sniff of this place and run away screaming.

Mike Callahan:
Interesting.

Mike Callahan:
[to Stephanie] Uh, what do YOU think?

Stephanie Layne:
I feel scared, uh, and nauseous. I don't know what you did, but I want to turn you in.

P.J. Franklin:
Okay, IF you really like Marcia, don't give her a mystery rash.

Stephanie Layne:
[appraising Mike's clean-up] You HAVE reached the minimum legal level of hygiene.

P.J. Franklin:
But you still need to show that, you know, you live here.

Stephanie Layne:
Right, like furniture, artwork, matching towels.

P.J. Franklin:
Plates that aren't made out of paper. You know, a bed that isn't just a mattress on the ground.

Mike Callahan:
That's all just STUFF.

Stephanie Layne:
It's not just stuff. Grown men own nice things because they're invested in their lives. They've made a home for themselves.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Home IS where the heart is, but, still, it'd be really better if you had a sofa.

[Kenny is constantly updating his Facebook status]

Mike Callahan:
Kenny, I didn't need a status update before you went to the bathroom, and I certainly don't need one telling me how it went.

Kenny Morittori:
My life is an open book.

Brendan Dorff:
Close it.

Mike Callahan:
Dude, she's probably one of your Facebook friends. Just check her profile. You'll know every thing you need to know about her.

Brendan Dorff:
That's icky. That's lazy.

Kenny Morittori:
That's Mike.

P.J. Franklin:
[regarding Facebook] You were snooping through my friends?

Bobby Newman:
That's not snooping. That's what you're supposed to do - and you're friends with all your exes. You collect them like Hummel figurines.

P.J. Franklin:
I mean, you're friends with your ex-boyfriends, right?

Stephanie Layne:
Only the ones that don't have girlfriends that made them stop being friends with me.

P.J. Franklin:
See, that's not right.

Stephanie Layne:
I take it as a compliment.

P.J. Franklin:
Are you still friends with your ex-girlfriends?

Kenny Morittori:
Uhm... no.

Brendan Dorff:
Not really.

P.J. Franklin:
Okay, fine, but just because the romance part doesn't work out, don't you still like them as people?

Kenny Morittori:
Uhm... no.

Brendan Dorff:
Not really.

Bobby Newman:
Maybe it's a girl thing.

P.J. Franklin:
What does THAT mean?

Bobby Newman:
I don't know. It just seems like a lot more women stay friends with their exes than guys do.

Mike Callahan:
Score one for the machine.

Kenny Morittori:
[watching Mike seduce a woman with knowledge from her Facebook page] Why can't he work this hard at the store?

Brendan Dorff:
Nothing like makin' love on a bellyful of rice.

Bobby Newman:
I feel like that's actually Spain's motto, isn't it?

P.J. Franklin:
Deal me in.

Kenny Morittori:
Can't. We're practicing for life without PJ, and you're PJ.

Brendan Dorff:
We're not taking sides.

Kenny Morittori:
If they break up, we may have to.

Brendan Dorff:
[to Bobby] If you're not gonna stay friends with her.

Mike Callahan:
I choose PJ.

Bobby Newman:
What? Come on.

P.J. Franklin:
Wait, why are we doing this? And what if I don't want Mike?

Brendan Dorff:
It's guys night stuff.

Bobby Newman:
Wow, so we're really gonna divvy you guys up, huh? Uh, okay. Fine. I'll take Andy.

P.J. Franklin:
No, he's my bro... Okay. I take Kenny.

Bobby Newman:
Okay, then I get Brendo.

Brendan Dorff:
Last pick?

Brendan Dorff:
No, wait. Okay. I'm gonna trade Kenny and Mike for Brendo.

Bobby Newman:
I don't wanna give Brendo up.

P.J. Franklin:
But why? He lives with me. He has a room here.

Brendan Dorff:
Does anyone feel like it's 1987 and the judge is making you choose between Mommy's house or Daddy's new condo?

Kenny Morittori:
Beats finding out that Mike and I equal one Brendan.

Brendan Dorff:
How you doin', buddy?

Brendan Dorff:
[about Bobby's ex-girlfriend] Yeah, guys, come on. Let's show some sensitivity here. Bobby still has dibs on Suzanne.

Kenny Morittori:
Well, she'd be a fool not to want you. You're lookin' good these days, and I'm saying that as a man AND a friend.

Andy Franklin:
And a weirdo.

[last lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] It can be a lot of fun having virtual friends, but nothing beats the real thing.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] No doubt about it. The guys and I are a team that really works. And now that I'm dating Hank... well, it's kind of like I went out and picked up the free agent that's gonna make our team better and finally bring me a championship.

Brendan Dorff:
Ooo, why, Miss Preen, I've never noticed you in the secretarial pool before.

Mike Callahan:
You know, we'd all like to put on a pretty top and go out tonight, but SOME of us take the decathlon very seriously.

P.J. Franklin:
I mean, what kind of relationship do you have if you can't come clean with the person you're with?

Stephanie Layne:
A relationship that will last.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The great free agent pick-up makes everybody better. He takes the pressure off the rest of the team, everybody settles into their new roles, and the team moves things up to a whole new level.

Hank:
You know, when I was in my twenties, I hung out in bars with a bunch of friends. Everybody goes through that phase.

P.J. Franklin:
It's a... it's actually not a... a phase.

Hank:
No, hey, look, I-I know that you're going through a time in your life where you're supposed to screw around, you know. It's fun. Do it, but when you... and I don't wanna say grow up...

P.J. Franklin:
Then don't.

Hank:
You'll find as you get older, a lot of that stuff just falls away.

P.J. Franklin:
Your closest friends just fall away?

Hank:
You know what I mean, okay? Things change, and when you look back on it, this whole chunk of your life will... it will look like another planet.

Hank:
Well, you know what they say? Milwaukee is the Barcelona of Wisconsin.

Bobby Newman:
It's a weird phenomenon, isn't it, how a team can have such great stats, and the players can look so strong, but something is just missing?

P.J. Franklin:
Yeah, it is.

Bobby Newman:
So, how are you and Hank doing these days?

P.J. Franklin:
What made you just think that?

Stephanie Layne:
The way to get over someone is to get under somebody new.

P.J. Franklin:
When you've invested so much in a free agent and then he just, well, he starts droppin' flies and strikin' out, a part of you still doesn't want to let him go. You just keep hopin' that things will turn around.

P.J. Franklin:
[admitting she slept with Bobby] We both agreed it was a stupid mistake. It just happened. I mean, I don't know why.

Stephanie Layne:
Good God, I have to tell you why you do everything.

P.J. Franklin:
*Finally* you understand!

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] If friends are like family, then friends of friends are like cousins. Some can be cool. Some can be insufferable. It can break either way.

P.J. Franklin:
I know you're new here, but feel free to be embarrassed for him.

Emily:
So, PJ, do you have a boyfriend?

P.J. Franklin:
I do. I do. I'm a little embarrassed to bring him up, though. I actually like him.

Emily:
God, I like my boyfriend, too. We better not tell the rest of them, though. Don't want 'em to feel bad.

P.J. Franklin:
Man, whatever happened to just getting your nails done and bitching about whoever wasn't there?

Kenny Morittori:
I could kiss you.

Dr. Clayton:
You wouldn't like the beard.

Bobby Newman:
Brendo, here's the thing: If you want to be equal partners with John, you're gonna have to learn to manage him yourself.

Brendan Dorff:
I know, but it's gotten so...

Bobby Newman:
Plus, at this point, you've probably spent more quality time with the guy than I even have. I mean, I'm not even sure we'd still be friends if we hadn't killed that homeless guy together.

Brendan Dorff:
Listen, um, we're equal partners in this, but, um, since we've opened, I've kind of been doing all the legwork, and you're sort of treatin' this like some personal party you're throwin', okay? It's-it's... it's not fair.

John:
I understand what you're sayin'...

Brendan Dorff:
Dude, that's great, because I really...

John:
...but the fact that I put up ALL the money makes me an equal-LER partner than you. You know? So... there's that.

Brendan Dorff:
You know what? I quit!

Brendan Dorff:
But is he the one with the switchblade? I'll let YOU find out.

Dr. Clayton:
I'll also bet you a hundred dollars that you and your wife make love tonight.

Andy Franklin:
Excuse me?

Dr. Clayton:
Oh, come on. "Guess who I ran into today?" "Oh, that quack." "Oh, he's infuriating." "Yeah, he's the worst." "I love you." "Oh, I love you, too. I'm taking my blouse off now." "Oh, don't forget the mayonnaise and the chocolate syrup." "And we'll put on the Barry Manilow records, or would you rather have Sinatra?" "Let's let the dogs be in the room this time. That's always fun."

P.J. Franklin:
Bobby IS nice.

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, I KNOW.

P.J. Franklin:
I mean, birds practically land on his shoulder. Disney would write songs about him magically appearing if you wish hard enough.

P.J. Franklin:
God, makin' new friends is hard. I have a bad feeling we're stuck with each other.

Bobby Newman:
Well, hey, we do cover all the key demographics. I mean, you've got your sensitive-yet-strong modern man.

Brendan Dorff:
The hard-working entrepreneur.

Kenny Morittori:
The guy who can do this.

[catches a spinning card in mid-air]

Andy Franklin:
The brother who's afraid to feel his feelings.

Mike Callahan:
And the handsome guy who defuses their jealousy with humor.

P.J. Franklin:
Ooo, when's THAT guy get here?

Bobby Newman:
Morning, honey. You wandered out to the shed again.

Mike Callahan:
Hamburger monkey pants!

Brendan Dorff:
I made BIG BOY brownies. It's an old college recipe.

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, I think I see our drinks.

P.J. Franklin:
Thank God.

Stephanie Layne:
No, they're not coming. They're over there on the bar.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, look at 'em, the little cuties, just waiting for a home.

Mike Callahan:
You know what men in suits do? They meet women in skirts.

Brendan Dorff:
Ooo, skirts.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah.

Brendan Dorff:
I like skirts.

Mike Callahan:
Who doesn't?

Brendan Dorff:
Women in skirts like brownies.

Mike Callahan:
No, not flowery peasant skirts. I mean REAL skirts - tight skirts with the little slit on the side to distract jurors.

Bobby Newman:
Trust me, we don't wanna be THAT table.

Stephanie Layne:
What's "THAT table?"

Bobby Newman:
When I worked at a restaurant...

Kenny Morittori:
You... worked at a restaurant?

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, and when it gets really busy, the waiters have a choice to give all-around C+ service or A+ service to everyone EXCEPT one table. We called it "THAT table."

P.J. Franklin:
I'm sorry, when did you work at a restaurant?

Bobby Newman:
In college. Everyone should be forced to marry ketchup bottles at least once in their lives.

Brendan Dorff:
And, might I say, that is a great tie.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, uh, thank you. And thanks for loaning it to me.

Brendan Dorff:
Mm-hm.

Mike Callahan:
And for tying it.

P.J. Franklin:
You know how to play Bridge?

Bobby Newman:
God, no. I'm not eighty.

Mike Callahan:
Those women OOZE class. What's our plan?

Brendan Dorff:
All right, stop using words like "ooze."

Bobby Newman:
[under the influence of Brendan's big-boy brownies] Okay, top five inventions of mankind: Um, the wheel, submarines, penicillin...

Stephanie Layne:
[also under the influence] Slippers, creme brulee, spoons...

Bobby Newman:
Wait. But now we have six top-five inventions.

Stephanie Layne:
Then let's do ten... and add four more.

Bobby Newman:
Yes. I wanted to add dry-erase markers anyway.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] There are upsides to growing up and being in a relationship, and there are upsides to being single and carefree. When you're single, you never quite know where the night is gonna take you, and that can be really fun. Being in a mature relationship means that, no matter what happens, that other person is gonna be there for you, which is nice.

Stephanie Layne:
I am telling you, a well-organized closet is one of life's underrated pleasures.

Bobby Newman:
Like eggs for dinner.

P.J. Franklin:
Or diving into a perfectly still pool.

Mike Callahan:
Or a warm toilet seat.

P.J. Franklin:
How did we get from warm butts to faxing your balls?

Kenny Morittori:
It's not that far. It's like a diagonal crosswalk.

Kenny Morittori:
Nice. You pooped on two dreams at once.

Kenny Morittori:
Can I tag along? I need to take some measurements of PJ's closet.

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah. Me, too. And afterwards I'm gonna hang out in her sweatpants.

[dead silence]

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, you're serious.

Stephanie Layne:
It's a beautiful day. I should be in a mall somewhere.

Stephanie Layne:
[watching pro soccer for the first time] Why's he takin' off his shirt?

Mike Callahan:
Well, that's what they do when they score a goal. At the end of the game they ALL take their shirts off and exchange them.

Stephanie Layne:
How long do I have to wait for that?

Mike Callahan:
Ah, about two Merlots.

Bobby Newman:
You know, I don't think med school is for me. It's a shame, 'cause I look rowdy in scrubs.

Kenny Morittori:
I decided to upgrade you to the "master cleanse."

Brendan Dorff:
[seeing PJ's exotic blouse] Whoa, Peej, when were you in Earth, Wind and Fire?

Kenny Morittori:
Be nice. It's from her grandmother, the color-blind safari enthusiast.

P.J. Franklin:
I also... I ate a baby panda for lunch, bones and all. It was really delicious.

Brendan Dorff:
Right on!

Bobby Newman:
Gimme a thumbs up if you like to wear ladies underpants.

[Bobby gives Brendan a thumbs up, Brendan enthusiastically returns one in kind]

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, my God, I'm on the outside of a sports conversation.

Stephanie Layne:
Sucks, doesn't it?

Kenny Morittori:
Yeah, it'll be nice to have a friend who's a lawyer when the S goes down.

Bobby Newman:
Well, I mean, it's probably gonna take a couple years, so you might wanna keep your S together.

Mike Callahan:
You gotta go with FBI. You can wear my Female Body Inspector shirt.

Mike Callahan:
Ah, he was cocooning. That's what men do before a big move.

Stephanie Layne:
I'm pretty sure that's caterpillars.

Mike Callahan:
We're all related.

Mike Callahan:
Weddings are the perfect place to rebound. So many sad, pretty girls realizing that their time is running out. They'll fall into the arms of the nearest guys, and that's gonna be us.

George Newman:
You can call me Daddy.

P.J. Franklin:
Well, that would make sense since I'm half your age.

George Newman:
[laughs] I like her.

George Newman:
[to Stephanie] My, my. Hello, Mrs. Newman #6.

Kenny Morittori:
You don't want that one. She's evil.

George Newman:
Well, that's the way I like 'em.

P.J. Franklin:
I had a really good time at that blues place. Did I dance?

Jack Newman:
I believe you did. We both did. You also sat in on harmonica.

P.J. Franklin:
[a little panicked] I did?

Jack Newman:
No, but now the dancing part doesn't seem nearly as humiliating, does it?

Bobby Newman:
If everyone's ready, I can show you to your rooms, and then after that we have the welcome wine tasting followed by the welcoming barbecue. It's all printed in your welcome package. We just really want you to feel welcome.

Kenny Morittori:
The wine tasting is really just a classy way for people to get day-drunk.

Stephanie Layne:
Even after four glasses of wine, you still repulse me.

George Newman:
[seeing Kenny talking to Stephanie] Well, good luck, son. I'm pretty sure this one likes the ladies.

[the guys compare old injuries]

Jack Newman:
Scar right there. See?

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, look, it's little Bobby teeth marks.

Jack Newman:
Well, he was twenty-two.

Bobby Newman:
Okay, okay, what about this one? Do you remember that? Your archery set?

George Newman:
Ooo.

Mike Callahan:
Dude, that's nothing.

Mike Callahan:
[pointing to his upper lip] Hockey stick.

Kenny Morittori:
[pointing to his forehead] Mm-mm. Beer bottle.

Brendan Dorff:
[pointing to his heart] Mm. Wendy.

Mike Callahan:
Aw, man, you made it real.

Maggie:
You know nothing about wine, do you?

Mike Callahan:
No, I... I'm more of a beer guy.

Maggie:
Well, the thing about drinking wine is savoring the experience, not rushing to some finish line of being drunk.

Mike Callahan:
See, that's where it loses me.

Maggie:
Mm. Well, there's a white over here that if you really sip it and savor it it kind of tastes like beer.

Mike Callahan:
Really?

Maggie:
No. It's wine. You're at a vineyard. This isn't Milwaukee.

Mike Callahan:
You know, uh, Milwaukee is actually the New York of Wisconsin. A lot of people don't know that.

Andy Franklin:
You know, I'm a minister.

Brendan Dorff:
I'm a candlestick maker.

Kenny Morittori:
And I'm a president. What're we doin'?

Stephanie Layne:
And what I tell you about prying?

Kenny Morittori:
That no one likes a nosy Nellie.

Stephanie Layne:
Then don't be one.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, my God. She's slumming.

P.J. Franklin:
We gotta find you a best man.

Bobby Newman:
It's fine. We'll just do the ceremony without.

P.J. Franklin:
You can't do that. It's your big day. You need the support. I mean, look at all the best men available to you.

Bobby Newman:
How would I choose?

Kenny Morittori:
Ooo, foot race!

Brendan Dorff:
State capitals!

Mike Callahan:
Who can drink the most milk!

P.J. Franklin:
Or... you can have all three.

Bobby Newman:
I am curious to see this milk-drinking contest.

Mike Callahan:
I can be your DOF.

Bobby Newman:
What's a DOF?

Mike Callahan:
Deputy of Fun.

P.J. Franklin:
What is wrong with you?

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, good. Your mother's here.

Bobby Newman:
That is the first time anyone has ever said that.

George Newman:
Oh, hold onto your wallets, gentlemen. Last time I saw this woman it cost me fifty million dollars.

Pamela Newman:
Oh, is that you, George. I didn't recognize you without a whore on your arm.

George Newman:
Well, then, get over here!

Bobby Newman:
Ah, this is NICE.

Stephanie Layne:
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over your jacket.

Bobby Newman:
Hello, best men. You guys look great. And PJ - wow!

P.J. Franklin:
Thank you, though some credit goes to the dim lighting and the fact that we're surrounded by... thousands of gallons of wine.

Andy Franklin:
So... what's on your mind, son?

Bobby Newman:
I don't know. Maybe... maybe it's just cold feet, but I, uh... I'm really having second thoughts.

Andy Franklin:
About?

Bobby Newman:
The wedding.

Andy Franklin:
[exhales] So relieved. I thought you were having second thoughts about me as a minister.

Bobby Newman:
Now I kinda am.

P.J. Franklin:
Bobby, hey. What's... what's going on?

Bobby Newman:
I think I'm marrying the wrong woman.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Chicago winters can be brutal. They tend to weed out anything that isn't strong.

Kenny Morittori:
It's that time of year. I think my mailman has all my mail in his garage.

P.J. Franklin:
Can you blame him?

Kenny Morittori:
No. He'll get to it.

Mike Callahan:
Look at Hawaii! It's eighty degrees there. That's like... forty...

Kenny Morittori:
Seventy-nine.

Mike Callahan:
Seventy-nine degrees warmer than it is here. Why aren't we all moving to Hawaii right now?

Stephanie Layne:
The humidity makes my hair explode.

P.J. Franklin:
There's no baseball team?

Brendan Dorff:
The Brady Bunch went there and almost died.

Kenny Morittori:
It's all part of my layering system: long johns, sweats, jeans, astronaut pants.

Brendan Dorff:
Dude, how long does it take you to get undressed at night.

Kenny Morittori:
Undressed?

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, lord.

Stephanie Layne, Mike Callahan, Kenny Morittori, Brendan Dorff, P.J. Franklin:
SHUT THE DOOR!

Andy Franklin:
And hello to you, too.

Heather:
[meeting the gang] You're hilarious. You must be Bobby.

Mike Callahan:
No, I'm Mike. What? Is Bobby the funny one?

Brendan Dorff:
He's got a silly streak, man. Yeah.

Heather:
You're Mike? Oh, Kenny never mentioned you.

Mike Callahan:
Well, smart move. Probably 'cause I'm rockin' the gun show. Mmm!

[poses]

Kenny Morittori:
NOW, you're funny.

Mike Callahan:
Dude! You MIGHT wanna work the party more before you break open the pinata.

P.J. Franklin:
All right. Take it easy, puka shells.

Stephanie Layne:
That's Trevor.

P.J. Franklin:
And Trevor is...?

Kenny Morittori:
Smelly? Deranged? Getting back with his parents?

Stephanie Layne:
[looking about deliberately] Is that Kenny? Oh, I didn't recognize you without your Joe Piscopo costume on.

P.J. Franklin:
They've all gone insane.

Brendan Dorff:
Maybe they were always insane and it was just so cold out that they moved slower so you couldn't see the insanity.

P.J. Franklin:
Everybody's gone crazy.

Bobby Newman:
Like "dancin' in the streets" crazy or like "box of fingers under your bed" crazy?

P.J. Franklin:
Somewhere between those two.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, like a happy-go-lucky guy who cuts up squirrels.

P.J. Franklin:
Why don't you name me four herbs?

Bobby Newman:
Okay, uh, parsley, Italian parsley, Chinse parsley, and... Elvis Parsley.

Andy Franklin:
Where's my beer?

Mike Callahan:
[bartending] Listen, any chance you're gonna sleep with me tonight?

Andy Franklin:
Uh, no.

Mike Callahan:
Then embrace the back of the line.

Brendan Dorff:
Bingo has got to go-o. All right? He can't hang out here anymore.

Mike Callahan:
No way. We're a team, broham. Would you split up Batman and Robin?

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah, if Robin peed on the file cabinet.

Kenny Morittori:
[receiving a crotch-full of ice cubes] I'm just glad I nipped that in the bud before it turned into hot mulled wine from a flagon.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] All relationships need to be managed, and everybody needs a little coaching. And just like in baseball, every manager has a different style.

Brendan Dorff:
So, uh, so now that we know what everybody's doin' on Friday night, what's everybody doin' on Sunday.

P.J. Franklin:
[scoffs] Not fallin' for THAT one.

Mike Callahan:
No.

Brendan Dorff:
For what?

P.J. Franklin:
For, "Hey, what's everybody doing?" That question is loaded and you know it. If we say we're doing "nothing," then we got no excuse to back out when you want us to do something lame.

P.J. Franklin:
All right, fine, we'll do it, but this is IT, okay? No more helping each other move anymore - just like how we agreed not to pick each other up from the airport.

Kenny Morittori:
Yeah, just like how we all agreed not to lend Mike money anymore.

Mike Callahan:
Whoa, when did we agree that?

P.J. Franklin:
I don't know but I am IN!

Mike Callahan:
No, you're out!

Bobby Newman:
New rule! New rule!

Stephanie Layne:
I'm fasting.

Kenny Morittori:
Trying to lose weight?

Stephanie Layne:
[testily] No, Kenny. You know what? This may come as a surprise to you, but the path to mental and physical enlightenment is not paved in your nacho con carne. Excuse me.

Kenny Morittori:
[calling after Stephanie] Because your ass looks good.

P.J. Franklin:
Wow, you really have a way with the ladies.

Mike Callahan:
[about Kenny's forthcoming date] So, uh, what are the plans?

Kenny Morittori:
Well, I thought we'd go to dinner and then drinks someplace after?

Mike Callahan:
Just remember - less dinner, more drinks.

Kenny Morittori:
Right. Chloroform, THEN duct tape.

Mike Callahan:
Whatever it takes.

[Wanting some quiet at home, PJ finds that Andy has invited some of his friends into her apartment]

Andy Franklin:
I-I j... I just felt it was my duty to share my freedom with some guys in the same boat as me.

P.J. Franklin:
No, that is really sweet of you... and me.

Andy Franklin:
It's like I'm a shepherd leading my flock out to have a little fun before they're brought back to slaughter.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, well, when you put it that way, go enjoy yourself.

Mike Callahan:
Kenny, why aren't you wearin' what you wore last night?

Kenny Morittori:
'Cause I'm not disgusting?

Kenny Morittori:
Get off my back. Let me handle things my way.

Mike Callahan:
If you'd listen to me, SHE'D be handling your things.

Kenny Morittori:
Dude.

Mike Callahan:
You know what I mean?

Kenny Morittori:
I do, which is why I went "Dude."

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] In sports, coaches and managers help players navigate the game. In life, your friends and family fill that role; because, when it comes down to it, in the heat of the moment, managing one's self is never as easy as it sounds.

P.J. Franklin:
[about Mike's birthday] What is this, uh, thirty...?

Mike Callahan:
I will be turning, ah, thirty-five.

Kenny Morittori:
Ooooo!

Brendan Dorff:
Gross!

Bobby Newman:
Dude, I think that officially makes you the old man of the group.

Mike Callahan:
Not so fast. Grandpa here is thirty-six.

Kenny Morittori:
Thirty-five and three quarters.

Mike Callahan:
You don't look a day over fifty.

Kenny Morittori:
You don't act a day over twelve.

Brendan Dorff:
Old man fight! Old man fight! Old man fight!

Stephanie Layne:
You are never gonna guess what I'm doing tomorrow.

Brendan Dorff:
Going fishing.

Bobby Newman:
Driving to St. Louis.

Mike Callahan:
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.

Bobby Newman:
What's the Vince Vaughn movie?

Stephanie Layne:
Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, and it's called, um...

Brendan Dorff:
"Shih Tzu Happens."

Kenny Morittori:
"Legal Beagles."

Brendan Dorff:
Doesn't even make any sense, man. Why would the dogs be lawyers?

Kenny Morittori:
I don't know. "Shih Tzu Happens" makes sense?

P.J. Franklin:
[to Mike] If we go out at eight, we'll hit more bars, increasing your chance of finding the future Mrs. Mike Calligan.

Kenny Morittori:
Or, at the very least, your next incredibly awkward sexual experience.

Bobby Newman:
You are not gonna BELIEVE what I've been dealing with.

Brendan Dorff:
Flat tire.

Kenny Morittori:
Buffalo stampede.

Mike Callahan:
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.

Stephanie Layne:
[to Mike] See more than one play.

Mike Callahan:
You know what I want for my birthday? Just for one day, I would like you to be nice to me.

Kenny Morittori:
How 'bout I get you a hip replacement and a bucket of fiber?

Brendan Dorff:
Old man fight! Old man fight!

Kenny Morittori:
Am I the only one who's surprised tonight was Mike's first tase?

P.J. Franklin:
Brendo, come on, dude. I mean, a giant panther tattoo doesn't exactly scream "Hey, I'm completely stable." More like, "Ooo, hepatitis C."

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] When you first start dating someone, or kinda dating someone, communication is key, but just like in baseball where every play depends on clear signals, one missed sign can cost you the game.

Mike Callahan:
Well, listen, if you're not gonna ask her out, then I am definitely gonna ask her out. Wow.

Kenny Morittori:
Uh, you wanna just finish my beer for me, too?

Kenny Morittori:
I actually... I, uh... I mean, I might ask her out.

Mike Callahan:
Seriously?

Kenny Morittori:
I'm thinking about it.

Mike Callahan:
You should wait longer till, maybe, she has a husband and a couple of kids. See how that works out.

Brendan Dorff:
Ducky Gills? Seriously, where do your friends get their names.

P.J. Franklin:
Jail.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes you get a signal and you have absolutely no idea what it means, leaving you to wonder, "Am I missing a page from the playbook?"

Stephanie Layne:
[having discovered match.com] And I have my eye on this pair of doctors that I think would look really cute on me.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] In baseball, a tug on the ear could mean "hit and run," a swipe on the arm "steal second base," but you always gotta be careful because sometimes a scratch on the nose is just a scratch on the nose.

Bobby Newman:
Okay, I thought I was clear on the hamburgers. I mean, I got a little lost around the grilled cheese part, but I definitely... don't know what we're talking about NOW.

Bobby Newman:
And, my God, why is it that every time I talk to you I feel like the chick?

Mike Callahan:
You work so slow, she thinks your name is Jerry.

Kenny Morittori:
You're making that up.

Mike Callahan:
No, I'm not, Jer.

Andy Franklin:
Kenny, the statute of limitations on Kate is up.

Kenny Morittori:
[to Mike] What, you got this guy working for you now?

Mike Callahan:
He's my attorney.

Andy Franklin:
You can't keep my client from asking out a girl you have NOT been nor are currently pursuing.

Kenny Morittori:
Ah, but I HAVE pursued her.

Andy Franklin:
Having coffee with a girl does not constitute an actual date, Jer.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, and... and having coffee with a girl a second time is really just a way of saying, "I'm a wuss."

Andy Franklin:
And her way of saying, "We're just gonna be friends, wuss."

Kenny Morittori:
Well, how would you know? You've ben married for, like, a hundred years.

Andy Franklin:
Which is why I'm able to sit high on my marital perch and look down, unsullied, and rule on all I see.

Kenny Morittori:
Who are you?

Andy Franklin:
I'm Batman.

Mike Callahan:
Kenny, I am trying to help you, okay? Just consider this a coffee intervention.

Kenny Morittori:
What is wrong with takin' a girl out for a cup of coffee?

Mike Callahan:
Dude, when you're tryin' to pick up a girl, the last thing you want her to be is alert and focused.

Kenny Morittori:
Yeah, I'm not trying to make a dress out of her. I'm trying to get to know her.

Mike Callahan:
I'm not telling you to pick her up in a van with no inside door handle, but it doesn't hurt to get her a little liquored up.

Kenny Morittori:
Okay, Silence of the Lambs. You got your style; I got mine.

P.J. Franklin:
Well, maybe one of these days you'll listen to me.

Brendan Dorff:
Eh, I doubt it.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes players can be so in sync, it's like they don't need signs. They just know what each other is thinking instinctively. And when you play with the same guys long enough, you get so comfortable that you really know their strengths and weaknesses, and it makes playing the game so much easier.

Marcia:
I'm really excited for you guys to meet my friends. They don't drink as much as you, but then again who does?

Crowley:
I'm closin' this place down. I'm shuttin' the doors next week.

P.J. Franklin:
What? Are you kidding?

Kenny Morittori:
You can't sell the bar!

Crowley:
I'm not selling the bar. I'm selling the building and closing the bar. I was gonna burn the place down, but then I remembered my parents live upstairs.

Marcia:
I'm really sorry about your bar, you guys, but I have to go. I've got a work thing.

Kenny Morittori:
Mike never told us. What do you do?

Marcia:
I'm a burglar.

Mike Callahan:
How can you sleep when we don't know where we're gonna be drinking?

Kenny Morittori:
What're you laughing at, Law School? Class doesn't start for a month. You're my twinkle light b*tch.

Stephanie Layne:
Do you know anything about London that wasn't in a stand-up routine twenty years ago?

Brendan Dorff:
Those are warm.

Bobby Newman:
Eat me.

Marcia:
I have to tell you something, I was married before for two months to a blackjack dealer named J.D.

Mike Callahan:
Really? I used to smoke two packs a day, ten years.

Marcia:
Depression runs in my family.

Mike Callahan:
It's possible I have a teenage daughter somewhere in Denmark.

Marcia:
I have a ferret in my house, and I don't know where he is.

Mike Callahan:
Sometimes I wear biking shorts just to suck everything in a bit.

Marcia:
Okay, I'm good.

Mike Callahan:
Me, too. Let's be husband and wife.

Marcia:
Okay.

[last lines of the series]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes it takes getting your priorities straight to truly appreciate what you already have.

Brendan Dorff:
Cheers, everybody.

The Gang:
Hey...

Brendan Dorff:
Bring it in, bring it in.

PJ Franklin:
He puts the lotion in the fricking basket, you know?

PJ Franklin:
[voiceover] A simple goal for every ballplayer is this: consistency. That is the ability to play the game at a high level every single day. To get there, you've gotta work your butt off.

Stephanie Layne:
Italy is for lovers.

PJ Franklin:
Well, so is Virginia.

Andy Franklin:
What am I, a heroine addict? How am I supposed to sleep in the chair?

Mike Callahan:
I'm gonna get you a blanket. Come on.

Andy Franklin:
[while mattress shopping] I'm weird. I'm one of those people who don't like to sleep in a chair; so, I gotta crash at your place, I'm gonna need a real bed.

Mike Callahan:
Well, don't buy a new one, man. Why not just bust out a Goodwill special?

Andy Franklin:
Do you know how much bacteria and microorganisms live in used mattresses?

Andy Franklin:
[suddenly realizing] You have a used mattress, don't you? My God.

Kenny Morittori:
That baby's never gonna get to know me.

Andy Franklin:
Yeah, he'll never know the guy who wasn't his father who dated the woman who wasn't his mother.

Stephanie Layne:
[about P.J. dating Bobby's brother] Listen, you have to run it by Bobby. Brothers tend not to like this kind of thing. Unless they do... and then that's weird.

Bobby Newman:
You guys, the Hendershoots are coming! The Hendershoots are coming!

Mike Callahan:
By land or by sea?

Kenny Morittori:
We're gonna have to pay them off.

Mike Callahan:
Now, that's just ridiculous. Our profit margarine is slim as it is.

Kenny Morittori:
Did you just say "margarine?"

Mike Callahan:
Yes, and I kind of thought you'd be a big enough man not to mention it.

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, you look good. D'you get a haircut?

Mike Callahan:
Nope, but I dipped myself in handsome sauce.

Mike Callahan:
Okay, why am I not drinking? It's a school night, people.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, the stews are back.

Bobby Newman:
Wonder what airline they work for.

Mike Callahan:
Well, tonight they're flying Air Mike. Probably in town for a layover. And if we play our cards right, we might get to handle their bags.

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, hey, uh, you wanna see my baseball card collection? It's in my bedroom.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[narrating] I've come to realize that almost everything in dating and relationships has a parallel to sports, especially baseball. Well, that's probably because of what I do - I'm a sportswriter for the Chicago Sun-Times. I cover the Cubs. It's like, for example, your friends are your team.

P.J. Franklin:
[narrating] Kenny and Mike are like great infielders. They make our team strong up the middle.

Kenny Morittori:
Mike always orders from Nunzio's.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, because it's good, because we like it, and because it never lets us down.

Kenny Morittori:
You just described Lassie.

[looking at a pizza]

Mike Callahan:
Ow. What are the brown things?

Kenny Morittori:
Mushrooms.

Mike Callahan:
Why with the mushrooms? What?

Kenny Morittori:
I'm trying to eat healthier.

P.J. Franklin:
Dude, if you don't like it, don't eat it.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, I'm going to eat it, just without the fungus on top of it.

[Mike starts picking the mushrooms off the pizza]

P.J. Franklin:
What are you doing? Were you born in a barn?

Mike Callahan:
I don't remember where I was born.

P.J. Franklin:
[narrating] Like my brother Andy and me. We've been on the same team since I was born. Unfortunately, his wife, Meredith, is a huge drag and keeps him on a short leash, so he's more like a relief pitcher. He can only play a couple of innings.

Mike Callahan:
After the third date, chicks start expecting stuff.

P.J. Franklin:
Like a fourth date?

P.J. Franklin:
Brendan is like the veteran on the team. We were roommates in college and have been close ever since. It's like we came up through the minor leagues together.

P.J. Franklin:
[narrating] There are some parts of the game you have to learn through experience in order to become a more complete player. You see, the difference between love and sports is that sports have very few unwritten rules and so many ones we already know. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if the foul line was always moving or if sometimes it was two strikes and you're out? If you've ever tried to date someone, you probably can.

Andy Franklin:
I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my balls unless you're addressing them directly.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The reason I love sports is because you know where you stand. Someone wins and someone loses. It's black and white. Dating, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game.

Bobby Newman:
Come on, you're gonna bat me last just because you can't take a little teasing?

P.J. Franklin:
No, I'm batting you last 'cause you might suck.

Stephanie Layne:
You can do what you always do: date him until he can't handle all the guys in your life and then break up with him because he's crazy for being jealous.

P.J. Franklin:
I don't... ALWAYS do that.

P.J. Franklin:
Bren, you got a booty call.

Brendan Dorff:
What? No, I told you - "nothing happened." We just talked.

P.J. Franklin:
No, I know. See, sex is the guy's booty call. You got the GIRL booty call.

Mike Callahan:
The "girl booty call?"

P.J. Franklin:
Yeah, it's the most complex of all booty calls. You see, with the girl booty call, she needs that emotional fix. You know, the "Hold me, I'm scared; it's so lonely here without you." The minute she finds somebody else, you're out.

Brendan Dorff:
I have to turn these blueprints in tomorrow to the hard-hat man.

Kenny Moritorri:
Is that his official title?

Bobby Newman:
[about his dating PJ] So, I should tell the guys.

P.J. Franklin:
No. No. No.

Bobby Newman:
Why not?

P.J. Franklin:
They're like a school of piranhas, right? No, they will take the baby deer that is our relationship and they will tear it to bits.

Bobby Newman:
What is a baby deer doing in the Amazon?

P.J. Franklin:
Lost its way?

Bobby Newman:
Okay.

P.J. Franklin:
See, the point is that they will tease us mercilessly.

Bobby Newman:
Come on, they're not that bad.

P.J. Franklin:
Brendan - he finally gets his dream job, right? - and they treat him like he showed up to class in his underpants.

Bobby Newman:
Okay, that is true, but to be honest with you, watching Brando pore over blueprints is like... like watching a bear try to fold a map. It... Wow, I'm doing it, too!

P.J. Franklin:
You see?

Bobby Newman:
What have they done to me?

P.J. Franklin:
I don't know. You used to be so nice.

Bobby Newman:
Man, it's like I want to support Brendan, I just... don't remember how.

P.J. Franklin:
And, they will be relentless. I mean, they will mock us until we break up, and then they will mock us for that.

Bobby Newman:
You're right. You're absolutely right. But they know you're dating somebody, so how do we handle that?

P.J. Franklin:
Well, they don't really have the longest attention span. I mean, I'm sure right now they're wondering who would win in a fight, a badger or a raccoon.

Bobby Newman:
Which is ridiculous because obviously it would be a badger. And why are there so many animals in this conversation?

Bobby Newman:
[observing Brendan] What is he doing?

Kenny Moritorri:
Looks like he's working?

Bobby Newman:
[pulling out his cell phone] It IS what it looks like. His parents'll want a picture, right?

Brendan Dorff:
I am not a circus freak.

Kenny Moritorri:
No, circus freaks don't default on their student loans.

Mike Callahan:
Remember how we always wondered what kind of girl entered a wet t-shirt contest? I met them.

P.J. Franklin:
Wow, I always thought that was a myth, you know, like scholar-athletes or unicorns.

Mike Callahan:
Look, the best way to get over an emotional tragedy is with, uh, quick, meaningless, potentially embarrassing sex.

Kenny Moritorri:
Shave that mustache. You're ruining '70s porn for me.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, dude, you are so lucky to live with a woman.

Brendan Dorff:
Oh, dude, it's like shaving with honey.

Mike Callahan:
Get in. We're going on a stakeout. That's your walkie. Your code name: Little Bear.

P.J. Franklin:
Are you seeing someone? You little tart.

Stephanie Layne:
Aren't you priceless.

Andy Franklin:
[ordering pizza from the van on his cell phone] Look, it's just four guys in a gray minivan across from the grade school.

Stephanie Layne:
Maybe this is your problem. You're even picky about the fake people you're not really dating.

Andy Franklin:
Yeah, and I'm only a princess till midnight.

Stephanie Layne:
How can people be so callous.

Mike Callahan:
Well, you tell me, because I was sick as a dog and none of YOU seem concerned. I mean, my fever was goin' so high I started to hallucinate.

P.J. Franklin:
I called you EVERY single day and you told me you were fine and to stay away.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, when I called there, you were hosting a diner party with your Crimean war buddies.

[Andy's cat cries out]

Mike Callahan:
Does anybody else hear that?

[Stephanie shrugs, PJ shakes her head]

Mike Callahan:
Oh, my God, I'm still in my room. I never made it out!

Brendan Dorff:
Mike, it's okay. You're back, buddy. Okay, you're with your friends PJ, and Bobby, and Lord Cardigan.

Mike Callahan:
I do remember one thing from last week, and that is that I realized that I'm ready for a real relationship.

Stephanie Layne:
Yeah? Why's that?

Mike Callahan:
Well, while I was puking my guts out, I realized that I need someone to take me to the hospital, or at least call an ambulance.

Kenny Morittori:
I wouldn't put that in your on-line dating ad.

Mike Callahan:
I don't want to die alone.

Kenny Morittori:
That's better.

Brendan Dorff:
It's funny. I've never had the fear of dying alone. For me it was always the fear of waking up and seeing the person I'm dating pressing a knife in my heart going, "shhhhhh."

[gestures making a long, slow stab]

Bobby Newman:
If you want immortality, you're gonna need to find a vampire.

Brendan Dorff:
Ugh. Dated, like, three of those.

Mike Callahan:
[checking out Andy's multifaceted remote control system] What more could a man want?

[doorbell rings]

Mike Callahan:
Robot butler?

Mike Callahan:
When robots get together, they plot the demise of humans.

Marcia:
My last boyfriend came back through time to tell me that.

P.J. Franklin:
Mike, the journey of a thousand steps begins with the single step of ignoring the pancake floozy.

P.J. Franklin:
Remember, you are talking to a woman, okay? So, you're gonna listen, observe, find common interests, and as always...

Mike Callahan:
...No bits, no lying, no lewd sound effects - nothing lewd of any kind.

P.J. Franklin:
And an inside voice.

Mike Callahan:
You're really hamstringing me here.

Stephanie Layne:
[checking out patrons in a coffee bar] Now, who's the most SANE woman?

Brendan Dorff:
Ah, the one reading Time Magazine with a purse too small to carry a human head?

Marcia:
Uh, I have a date, too. He's giving me a root canal at the sewage treatment plant.

Bobby Newman:
It's like my body turns fat into intensity.

Kenny Morittori:
Apparently my body turns fat into pain.

Stephanie Layne:
Wow, Brendan, you really know how to find the crazies.

Brendan Dorff:
All right, maybe I do, but the Brendo way means that I find out quick. Getting to know somebody just leads to uncomfortable conversations and tears that are licked away by little, rough tongues.

Marcia:
[about Mike] He is weirdly romantic, isn't he?

Kenny Morittori:
You got half that right.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] At some point, just like athletes, we all have to deal with being released. Released from a job, a relationship... The question becomes, how do we respond?

Kenny Morittori:
As fascinating as this is, I'm going to the bathroom.

Bobby Newman:
Ah, good. I'll come with you.

Kenny Morittori:
I don't want you to go with me.

Bobby Newman:
I need to go to the bathroom. Come on. It'll be fun.

Kenny Morittori:
This is disturbing on many levels.

Mike Callahan:
Wow! Silent Bob! Any thing you don't want to tell me? Like, have you talked to my doctor? 'Cause if I have ball cancer, don't tell me. Just let me figure it out.

Brendan Dorff:
Happy as a clam, man.

Andy Franklin:
Do you know the suicide rate among clams?

Andy Franklin:
You wanna know the best way to break up with someone? Marry them, have a kid, live in a house for forty years, and eventually die. Boom. You're free and clear.

Brendan Dorff:
Almost happened to me.

Andy Franklin:
Don't worry. I'm sure it will.

Andy Franklin:
Welcome home.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The end of baseball season can be bittersweet. If your team didn't win the series, you're left second-guessing decisions made along the way and hoping you get another season to get it right.

Kenny Morittori:
Well, first of all, Kenny Morittorri. Enough said.

P.J. Franklin:
No, no. Say more.

Mike Callahan:
See, I was in until he said "hurrah."

Bobby Newman:
"Hurrah" means drunken adventure.

Mike Callahan:
I'm back in.

Kenny Morittori:
We each picked a place we've never been. I picked the Sears Tower. Mike picked "in the company of a satisfied woman."

Mike Callahan:
Hey! You got one! Did it feel good?

[repeated line]

P.J. Franklin:
You guys really that bored?

Mike Callahan:
[visiting the Art Institute] On the giant list of things I'm not interested in, museums fall somewhere between ballet and arena football.

P.J. Franklin:
Hot chicks hang out in museums.

Mike Callahan:
Museums are creeping up the list.

Mike Callahan:
Dude, there's a full half inch of glass between you and splat on the pavement.

Matt Dougan:
Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it.

Bobby Newman:
Grew up in that building right there. This is the first time I've ever stepped foot on this beach.

Mike Callahan:
That's crazy.

P.J. Franklin:
Why wouldn't you come over here?

Bobby Newman:
I wanted to but my parents wouldn't let me. They said it was public, which in rich speak means "dangerous and dirty."

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, dude, you better be careful. That golden retriever will lick you to death.

P.J. Franklin:
Wow, you really like dinner, don't you?

Thorn:
Among other things.

Mike Callahan:
There's no way to get in that lake without your balls jumpin' into your throat.

Stephanie Layne:
Please.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, sorry, Poopy.

Bobby Newman:
Wow, first the Sears Tower, then talking to a really hot girl. I am enjoying The Kenny Show today.

Stephanie Layne:
I'm not saying you're not adventurous and deceitful. I'm saying, when it comes to matters of the heart, you protect yourself. You hold back.

Mike Callahan:
Nothing good ever happens when you play it safe.

Andy Franklin:
[pulls up as a tour guide in a double-decker bus] Ladies and gentlemen, you are a wonderful crowd, and I would like to play one of my favorite tunes and dedicate it to a man who thinks he didn't see anything good today. Brendan Dorff, this one's for you.

Brendan Dorff:
No, no. Wait, okay? I DID see something good. Uh, uh, Mike got on to art, Kenny busted out of his shell, Bobby got a rash...

Andy Franklin:
Too bad. I gotta sing, anyway. Hit it!

Andy Franklin:
[singing] Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen...

Kenny Morittori:
You know, something about Brendan's changed. Ever since he was named one of Chicago's sexiest bachelors, he's become more...

P.J. Franklin:
Confident?

Kenny Morittori:
No...

Bobby Newman:
Cocky?

Kenny Morittori:
No...

Mike Callahan:
Douchey?

Kenny Morittori:
Yeah.

Kenny Morittori:
He's a little douchey.

Bobby Newman:
You know what? He is, and we avoid those people. We don't go into their bars and they don't come into ours.

Andy:
I don't know. That sounds kind of douchist.

P.J. Franklin:
All right, guys. It's not that bad. Let's give him a break.

Mike Callahan:
All right, but if he has to hug anything out, I'm gonna tell all the kids down at Urban Outfitters how old he is.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] One of the great things about baseball is that, even if your team loses, they get another chance to win the next day. The same can't always be said about life.

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah, so, no official breakup, things just left hanging - that's an open-ender.

P.J. Franklin:
No. Open-enders are for tacky people who wanna keep hooking up without paying for dinner.

Mike Callahan:
No, that's friends with benefits - and it's a beautiful thing.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] We all get so entrenched in our everyday lives that sometimes any change in routine can really be a disruption.

Mike Callahan:
What's your book about?

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, it's a guide to help women get out of bad relationships. It's called, "You're a Great Guy, BUT..."

Kenny Morittori:
But WHAT?

Mike Callahan:
No, that's the title. "You're a Great Guy, BUT..."

Kenny Morittori:
But WHAT?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes people deal with change by NOT dealing.

Mike Callahan:
You're all about your cool new friend Jo. Jo told you to go jump off a bridge, would you?

Andy Franklin:
Yes, and I'd take you with me.

Brendan Dorff:
My health insurance got cancelled. I got no choice. Gotta go to Dr. Brendo, now.

P.J. Franklin:
No-ho-ho-ho-o-o-o.

Bobby Newman:
Who... who's Dr. Brendo?

P.J. Franklin:
It's the doctor that lives inside his head.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah?

Brendan Dorff:
Went to Harvard Medical School.

Bobby Newman:
Inside your head.

Brendan Dorff:
Wherever, dude. It's Harvard.

Mike Callahan:
[in improv class] Hey, last time I passed a clap, she wasn't that happy.

[dead silence]

Mike Callahan:
This guy gets it.

P.J. Franklin:
Let's talk about Elsa.

Bobby Newman:
Wow, that took you about a minute.

P.J. Franklin:
What?

Bobby Newman:
Did they nominate you to talk to me?

P.J. Franklin:
How did you guess?

Bobby Newman:
I've been in on THAT vote before. It's always you.

Kenny Morittori:
I really miss Bobby right now. Plenty of offense intended.

P.J. Franklin:
I miss my little stat monkey.

Kenny Morittori:
Spring Training is big for collectors. If I can get an old Cub to sign a jersey, it more than doubles the price.

Stephanie Layne:
Do you have to knock the little kids out of the way to get that?

Brendan Dorff:
You know, if this were college...

Kenny Morittori:
You'd be the oldest guy in the dorm.

P.J. Franklin:
You'd be arrested for being creepy.

Mike Callahan:
You'd have a name for your bong.

Jack Brisco:
Ah, star-crossed lovers from the Tribune and the Sun-Times. That's beautiful. It's like Romeo and Juliet.

P.J. Franklin:
Romeo and Juliet died in the end.

Jack Brisco:
I'm not wishin' it on you, kid. I'm just sayin'.

Mike Callahan:
Dude, can not get a woman to talk to me. Just because I'm not a ball player? Big deal. What do those guys have that I don't?

Kenny Morittori:
Muscles. Talent. Potential. Youth.

Brendan Dorff:
Ah, my friend said you were datin' Mike Fontenot.

Connie:
Oh, I am.

Brendan Dorff:
What?

Connie:
Yeah.

Brendan Dorff:
Really?

Connie:
Mm-hm.

Brendan Dorff:
Then what the hell you doin' with me?

Connie:
Mike's always, like, baseball this and baseball that, so the easiest way to get his attention is to make him jealous.

Brendan Dorff:
No, Connie, I don't think I want any part of that.

Connie:
Oh, too late. I already told him we slept together.

Brendan Dorff:
What? That's totally insane. Why would you do that?

Connie:
I told you. I like to make him jealous, so let's go make out behind home plate.

P.J. Franklin:
You know, there are plenty of beautiful, sane women out there. Stop shoppin' at the crazy mall.

Brendan Dorff:
But it's such a good mall.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] It takes something pretty special to get two jaded sports reporters to spill beer on their shoes.

Kenny Morittori:
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Trust me, there are plenty of people who do not deserve superstar treatment, but for some reason, we still treat them like gods.

Jack Briscoe:
Come on, Hernando, quit bein' a tough guy. Ya gotta give me somethin' to work with, amigo, unless you want me to write a column about your god-awful taste in music.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] And that's another thing about superstars. They get to act any way they want and we just have to sit there and take it.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] And why is it that superstars feel like they're invited to absolutely everything?

Andy Franklin:
Some of us are interested in culture, and some of us wear t-shirts from eighth grade.

Stephanie Layne:
Being a perfect ten must be a full-time job, don't you think?

[repeated line]

Kenny Morittori:
She is the hottest chick he's ever gonna date.

P.J. Franklin:
[to Stephanie as Andy yells at a televised football game] You see, the coach can actually hear him through the TV.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] And I guess that's the thing about superstars - it's completely unfair, but we put up with it because, when we're in their presence, we get to feel like one, too.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] There are hazards to being the only girl. For one, the guys come to me with stuff they would never go to the other guys for. So you learn to hate the phrase...

Kenny Morittori:
PJ, you're a girl, right?

Mike Callahan:
Uh, I'm so happy for him that I would like to beat him with my happiness.

Bobby Newman:
PJ, you're a girl, right?

P.J. Franklin:
I don't think so.

Andy Franklin:
It's so different having a female friend. Yeah, she's honest, she's supportive, she's a good listener. You guys aren't good listeners. What'd I just say?

Bobby Newman:
Something about a scavenger hunt?

Brendan Dorff:
[wearing his new shirt and tie for his new job] What do you think?

Bobby Newman:
Oh-ho-ho-ho, wow! Is class picture day tomorrow?

Andy Franklin:
I like it. Your individuality's been stripped from you. You'll fit right in.

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, great. I knew I'd find you all here.

Kenny Morittori:
Then why'd you come?

Bobby Newman:
And I love that you call my mother Pamela.

P.J. Franklin:
Why?

Bobby Newman:
Because she hates her name.

P.J. Franklin:
No.

Bobby Newman:
No, don't worry about it. You're safe because she really, really likes you. Of course, the last time my father called her Pamela, we had to get a restraining order put on her. Yeah, I wish I was kidding about that.

David:
[doing his copy machine rap] My fingers full of toner. Your mama, I will own her. And if I ever meet your sister, I am gonna phone her.

Mike Callahan:
Now I know how Stan the trout feels.

Kenny Morittori:
Well, guess what? I'm not afraid of women anymore. In fact, it's the complete opposite.

Mike Callahan:
Women are afraid of YOU?

Kenny Morittori:
Shut up.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] At various junctures in all relationships, someone has to perform a selfless act in order to protect that relationship's core. In baseball, that's called taking one for the team. It's not fun, it's gonna sting, but if it gives your team an edge, you do it, and you do it with a big fake smile on your face... usually.

Brendan Dorff:
Have you ever had an egg that just came out of a chicken?

Mike Callahan:
No, and I've never taken a swig out of a cow's utter, but I don't think I'm missing out.

Trouty:
Hey, sweets for the sweet.

P.J. Franklin:
Sugar cubes.

Trouty:
It's, like, old-school style from Mother Brit.

P.J. Franklin:
Wow, thanks. I'll give them... to my horses?

[Trouty invites the gang to the exclusive Streisand Club]

Kenny Morittori:
I've read about this place, and it's supposed to be epic, like the old Playboy clubs, and super exclusive. I heard Cusack couldn't get Piven in.

Mike Callahan:
How MUCH like the old Playboy clubs, and more to the point - and I think we all know where I'm going with this - how hot are the waitresses?

Trouty:
No bunny ears or powder puff tails, but the rabbit meat is of similar quality.

Mike Callahan:
All right, party people, we ready for our big night out?

Kenny Morittori:
[appraising Mike's outfit] Yes. Um, it's not a mime club.

Mike Callahan:
[appraising Kenny's outfit] Which one are you, Crockett or Tubbs?

Kenny Morittori:
Well, played.

P.J. Franklin:
[to Mike] That's a good one, David Copperfield.

Trouty:
Hey, these are my peeps, of whom I've told you about.

Steve:
Yeah, of course. Know them in an instant. Um... you must be, uh, Ken-dawg, uh, Mike the Red, Brendl, Boo-boo and, of course, PJ.

Brendan Dorff:
[to Kenny] How come she gets to be "PJ?"

Kenny Morittori:
Trouty called her Peanut Butter and Jelly once and she punched him.

Trouty:
You ever made love on a bed of popcorn kernels, baby?

Trouty:
Dude, I can already tell you sleep wrong. Come here.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Having a group of friends is like being part of a team. Great chemistry makes it work. Winning teams always have great chemistry, like the White Sox last year. They just worked. But it's a delicate balance, and sometimes adding a new player can totally throw off the team dynamic.

P.J. Franklin:
[finding Traci in her living room] Where is your friend Brendan?

Traci:
He's sleeping, and I don't know if I should wake him because we were up so late.

Traci:
[laughs] You know?

P.J. Franklin:
Oh, you don't need to worry about that. Brendan loves to get up early, especially when he's up so late.

[both laugh]

P.J. Franklin:
[banging on Brendan's bedroom door] BRENDO! WAKE UP! IT'S MORNING!

P.J. Franklin:
[glancing at Traci] YOU LEFT SOMETHING IN THE LIVING ROOM!

Kenny Morittori:
I always wanted to have a fan.

Andy Franklin:
Well, you'll have to do something cool or important.

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, what's the name of that movie where Barbra Streisand plays the matchmaker?

Andy Franklin:
I don't know. My gay boyfriend usually answers those questions.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] You can't control who's on your team. Sometimes you get stuck with a total jackass and you gotta just try and get along with them - at least until they get traded.

Mike Callahan:
[trying to laugh off Bobby and Kenny's fast friendship] Wow! Two of them, huh? Things are movin' fast. A little lunch, a little dinner and, watch out, one of you might end up pregnant.

Andy Franklin:
My money's on Kenny.

Traci:
[to Bobby while sitting on his knee] I bet you're the best poker player in the world.

P.J. Franklin:
[to Bobby] Oh, my God, that's amazing! Words come out of her mouth and I can't see your lips move at all.

Bobby Newman:
Damn. I don't know if I LIKE being "one of the girls."

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, a one-night stand? Totally cool. A five-night stand? No, okay?

Mike Callahan:
Wait a minute. did you just say "make out?" He told me that you guys hooked up.

P.J. Franklin:
Yah, we... we did. We made out.

Mike Callahan:
Hook up does not mean made out. It means doing it.

P.J. Franklin:
No, it doesn't.

Bobby Newman:
Dude, it can mean a lit of different things. It depends on the situation. I mean, a guy hooked me up with tickets to a game once. There was nothing sexual about it.

Kenny Morittori:
Yeah, I hook up with girls for coffee all the time

Mike Callahan:
And there's absolutely NOTHING sexual about that.

P.J. Franklin:
I can not believe you told your annoying little fan about me and Bobby! How could you just tell a perfect stranger something so private and personal?

Bobby Newman:
Well, I... had just done something very private and personal... to that stranger; and, I can't be held responsible for what I say after sex.

[last lines]

P.J. Franklin:
You can't plan chemistry. It just happens. It's that trust, that great vibe, that electricity that makes for a championship team, or for great friends that you know, no matter what, will be on your team forever.

P.J. Franklin:
Speaking of drinks, next round's on me. Who needs?

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah, it is.

[Mike's pager from Maggie rings]

Mike Callahan:
[leaving] Oh! Count me out, suckers. Dr. Mike has got to make a house call. Time to deliver 10cc's of love, stat.

Mike Callahan:
[returning] Ope! Just the battery's low. What're we drinkin'?

P.J. Franklin:
[looking spiffed up] Well, I took some photos today 'cause I have a column.

Mike Callahan:
That's why you give the hot chick the column. Somebody wants to look at pictures of an old, bald, wrinkly dude.

P.J. Franklin:
Well, I don't really think that's why I got the column.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, come on, PJ. Don't be naive. You think that your looks have nothing to do with you getting that promotion?

P.J. Franklin:
No. I would like to think it's because I earned it.

Mike Callahan:
By bein' hot!

P.J. Franklin:
By being a good writer.

Bobby Newman:
You are a GREAT writer.

P.J. Franklin:
Thank you. You are a little biased.

Kenny Morittori:
He's right. You are a great writer - with long blonde hair and a great set of legs. No offense, Bobby.

Bobby Newman:
All good.

Andy Franklin:
Like the late John Updike. Nice set of getaway sticks on THAT guy.

[P.J. is mad because the guys think she got promoted based on her looks]

Mike Callahan:
You're a hot chick who knows sports, okay? It's a novelty. It's like... it's like a boxing kangaroo.

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah. Hot chicks make everything better. Hot chicks and football - cheerleaders.

Mike Callahan:
Hot chicks and politics - Sarah Palin.

Kenny Morittori:
You still think she's hot?

Mike Callahan:
It's the glasses. I have a thing for smart chicks.

Kenny Morittori:
You still think she's smart?

Andy Franklin:
Let me help you out, Bobby. See, you're in a relationship now. What you think, your opinions, they don't matter anymore. If you wanna be happy, just remember this: she's always right.

Bobby Newman:
Right, but we're in the same field. You know, we're colleagues.

Andy Franklin:
I don't think you understand. See, you're wearing the journalist hat when you should be wearing the boyfriend hat.

Andy Franklin:
Things are different now that you're dating. You used to wear the friend hat or the journalist hat, but now you're the boyfriend. You just get the one.

Kenny Morittori:
This is the greatest bar in the world.

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah, it's not bad.

Kenny Morittori:
No. You don't understand. They have everything - games on big screen, prices that aren't obscene, girls that are not mean.

[Two identical girls walk past]

Brendan Dorff:
And TWINS!

Mike Callahan:
Never be too good at anything that you DON'T wanna do.

Bobby Newman:
[trying to understand Andy's boyfriend advice] So I do NOTHING?

Andy Franklin:
No. You listen, and just answer "yeah" and "uh-huh" and watch everything work itself out.

Bobby Newman:
THAT'S wearing the boyfriend hat?

Andy Franklin:
Yeah.

Bobby Newman:
And you really think that'll work.

Andy Franklin:
Uh-huh.

Bobby Newman:
'Cause I don't know if PJ's gonna fall for that.

Andy Franklin:
Yeah?

Bobby Newman:
Yeah.

Andy Franklin:
Uh-huh.

Bobby Newman:
Oh, I see what you're doing.

Andy Franklin:
Yeah?

Bobby Newman:
You're very good at this.

Andy Franklin:
Uh-huh.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The thing that separates the few guys who make it in the big leagues from the thousands who try is their ability to handle a major-league curveball.

Mike Callahan:
[about Stephanie while sitting in Kenny's car] Yeah, and why does she get shotgun, anyway?

Kenny Morittori:
Because she called it.

Brendan Dorff:
When?

Kenny Morittori:
She texted me this morning at 9:14 AM.

Mike Callahan:
You can't text shotgun!

Kenny Morittori:
Then why'd YOU text me at 9:18?

Mike Callahan:
Fine. Then I'm calling shotgun right now for the way home.

P.J. Franklin:
You can't call return shotgun until your vehicle is parked at the destination. Everybody knows that, Mike.

Brendan Dorff:
Guys, I got bad news. I think we're at a couples party.

Kenny Morittori:
This is worse than a couples party. This is a family party.

Mike Callahan:
Well, they're about to be sorry they invited drunk Uncle Mike.

Brendan Dorff:
What the hell is that noise? It's driving me crazy.

Rachel:
Those are the cicadas.

Kenny Morittori:
The who?

Rachel:
The cicadas. They're, uh, they're insects. They're kind of special, actually. They spend most of their lives underground and then, every seventeen years, they come up out of the ground to mate.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, that's just like you, Kenny.

[to his astonishment and horror, Andy discovers his new house is an exact replica of his parents' old house]

Mike Callahan:
Same house? Same layout and everything?

Andy Franklin:
Uh-huh. What are the odds?

Mike Callahan:
In this neighborhood? Pretty good.

Kenny Morittori:
So now you and Meredith will be having sex in the same room as your parents did.

Andy Franklin:
Not anymore we won't.

Kenny Morittori:
Wow! That's crazy. That guy looks just like Bobby.

Brendan Dorff:
Dude, he could be his doppelganger.

Kenny Morittori:
He's a "Bobbelganger."

Rachel:
Looks like they're having fun.

Brendan Dorff:
Who? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Mike. You know, he's been really great with kids lately. I mean, thank God for AA, right?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Life is a lot like a crafty pitcher. If you can't hit a curveball, that's all he'll throw you.

Evan:
I gotta run but I just wanted to say it was... really great not smoking with you.

Andy Franklin:
You know, after all these years, I know what it is Dad is looking for.

P.J. Franklin:
What?

Andy Franklin:
An escape route.

Evan:
Well, the thing is, I really need those cigarettes back. I just found out I have to go to my father's retirement party this weekend, and...

P.J. Franklin:
Oh. God. How could you get through that without not smoking?

Evan:
Exactly, so I was wondering if you wanted to NOT get a drink with me.

P.J. Franklin:
Would I NOT give your cigarettes back?

Evan:
No-no-no. You WOULD give them back.

P.J. Franklin:
Wait, what?

Evan:
Can we stop being clever?

P.J. Franklin:
Please.

P.J. Franklin:
But sometimes a curveball is good because, if you connect with one, it can be a whole new ball game.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Sometimes it's hard to be faced with the truth, so we pretend not to see it.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, Roberts. I'm gonna go to the bar, uh, to order a drink. Would you care to join me?

[Mike fixes Bobby with an intense gaze and tilts his head leadingly]

Bobby Newman:
[as if working it out] Uh, I can see that you're trying to communicate with me and I want to know what it is, so... yes.

Brendan Dorff:
[watching PJ examine Bulge Magazine] Well, they have movie reviews, too. They gave "Hurt Locker" three thumbs up.

P.J. Franklin:
Those aren't thumbs.

Brendan Dorff:
You've reached the NTO.

P.J. Franklin:
No! Wait. What is that?

Brendan Dorff:
The NTO, all right? The Natural Tapering Off. Every relationship has one.

Mike Callahan:
The red-hot lava passion has to cool. I mean, without the NTO, you would burn each other up with your fiery love-laze power rods.

P.J. Franklin:
Ew... so many times.

Mike Callahan:
Happens to everyone, but usually it happens in the eighth year of marriage but...

P.J. Franklin:
Ugh.

Mike Callahan:
...you're an old soul.

Stephanie Layne:
Kenny, you don't have any vegetables on your plate at all. You're gonna get scurvy.

Kenny Morittori:
Only pirates and models get scurvy, and I HAVE a vegetable, thank you.

[Mike gets a new job but hasn't told Kenny he's leaving the store]

Bobby Newman:
What, are you just gonna stop showing up for work?

Mike Callahan:
No, I'll just... rock both jobs until the store turns around and he doesn't need me.

Bobby Newman:
And when you say "rock both jobs," what's you're solution to the can't-literally-be-in-two-places-at-once thing?

Mike Callahan:
Surgery. Dead aunt. Time-space continuum. I'll figure it out.

Kenny Morittori:
I have to clean my toothbrush.

Brendan Dorff:
You have to what?

Kenny Morittori:
You know, I have to clean off the toothbrush handle.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, that toothpaste ooze settles down into the toothbrush mug - drives 'em crazy.

Mike Callahan:
And THAT is why I'm single.

Bobby Newman:
That's not why you're single.

Mike Callahan:
Brendo, why don't you just tell Stephanie that you think her sister's ugly. What's the problem?

Bobby Newman:
THAT's why your single.

Bobby Newman:
I... I find you incredibly sexy. I mean, you're gorgeous, and you don't take crap from anybody, and you know Kerry Wood's E.R.A. his rookie year.

P.J. Franklin:
It's 3.40.

Bobby Newman:
[whispering] God, I want you.

Kenny Morittori:
I don't want to press my face against Brendo's door. What if it sticks?

Kenny Morittori:
Well, I can't take this anymore. Let's just pick which one of us we're gonna eat.

[Everyone's head turns toward Brendan]

Brendan Dorff:
I gotta pee and all my jars are full.

Mike Callahan:
Please, just slide a piece of pizza under the door.

Mike Callahan:
Andy, why'd you go home first?

Andy Franklin:
[from his cell phone, stuck in traffic] 'Cause I had a few hours free and I wanted to spend them all in my car.

P.J. Franklin:
I'm sorry. I am really sorry. It is totally my fault, and I'm sorry.

Brendan Dorff:
But are you sorry?

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] A big part of the new season is letting go of the old one, forgetting the losses or the injuries, and focusing completely on the future, on what is possible, on the glorious summer that lies ahead.

Mike Callahan:
I could make a shirt.

Brendan Dorff:
No way. Do you have any idea how hard that is?

Mike Callahan:
How hard can that be? You take a needle, some cloth, a little string...

Bobby Newman:
You mean "thread?"

Mike Callahan:
Whatever.

Mike Callahan:
I can make a sh*t.

Kenny Morittori:
You CAN'T make a shirt. You can't even make your own bed.

Mike Callahan:
How much you wanna bet?

Kenny Morittori:
$35,000.

Mike Callahan:
Free booze for a month.

Kenny Morittori:
Fine. We'll do a competition.

[the guys ask Andy if he'll participate in their shirt contest]

Andy Franklin:
Eh, it's okay. I've discovered a little place called The Gap. Turns out they MAKE shirts.

P.J. Franklin:
Okay, what would be the craziest thing I could tell you guys right now?

Andy Franklin:
You can fly.

Mike Callahan:
You're a dude.

P.J. Franklin:
I don't wanna pay this game anymore.

Stephanie Layne:
Well, if you ask me...

Kenny Morittori:
We didn't.

Andy Franklin:
I wish there was some magic potion that could make all your troubles go away.

Andy Franklin:
[in a singsongy voice while raising a drinking glass] Look what we have here.

Mike Callahan:
I'm kind of, like, the Tiger Woods of sewing.

Bobby Newman:
You know what, buddy? We're gonna let you have that one.

P.J. Franklin:
You have any idea how hard it is to sit at a hotel bar for three hours and not drink?

Brendan Dorff:
I haven't bartended since college.

Andy Franklin:
So you've been doin' a lot of research from the OTHER side of the bar.

[the gang encourages Brendan to seek a bartending job]

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah, but even in college it wasn't really bartending, you know? I was just sort of in my dorm room cracking Zimas for trampy chicks.

Stephanie Layne:
[offended] Hey! I had a Zima in your dorm room.

Brendan Dorff:
And?

Stephanie Layne:
[realizing] And then I slept with your roommate.

Andy Franklin:
Here, drink right from the pitcher. You deserve it girl.

Andy Franklin:
[judging the shirt contest] I mean, they were tasteless. They were poorly made. And I didn't like the shirts, either.

Andy Franklin:
[having revealed his move to the suburbs] To be continued, I'm sure.

P.J. Franklin:
When? I'll never see you again!

Andy Franklin:
Well, then remember me as I am - young and perky.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] The other thing about being called up to the majors is only some of the teammates get the call; so, as much as you're all rooting for each other, when that divide appears, it does become a little difficult to ignore.

P.J. Franklin:
You guys, you don't need me to play poker.

Mike Callahan:
We do! Your place is the hub! Now we're totally hubless, completely without hub!

P.J. Franklin:
Wait, you guys, what do you expect? I'm gonna dick around with you guys for the rest of my life?

Kenny Morittori:
Wow! Really.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, ho-ho-ho!

P.J. Franklin:
All right. I didn't mean THAT.

Kenny Morittori:
Getting awfully crowded in here.

Mike Callahan:
Yes! Robert, Kenneth, perhaps we should go dick around someplace else. Maybe we could "dick around" at the movies.

P.J. Franklin:
You guys, you know I didn't mean it like that, right?

Mike Callahan:
You know, actually, we should call the theater to see what their dicking around policies are.

P.J. Franklin:
Come on, you guys...

Kenny Morittori:
And when we're done "dicking around," maybe we should find ourselves a new hub.

Mike Callahan:
Hm. Well...

Bobby Newman:
Enjoy Parsifal.

Mike Callahan:
Hey, what would you guys think would be the worst way to die? I'm gonna say being hit in the balls with lightning... or old age. Long and slow. That's no way to go.

Kenny Morittori:
I can't wait to have kids.

Mike Callahan:
Yeah, you see, now, that would require you having sex.

Mike Callahan:
Your pants are REALLY stupid.

Kenny Morittori:
My pants are smarter than you.

Mike Callahan:
We're going out to pick up girls. Boom, I said it. Look, we're all in horrific slumps right now.

P.J. Franklin:
So?

Mike Callahan:
So, we're going out... hunting.

Andy Franklin:
You are the best cow. That's why you're gonna be the king of all the cows. Moooo, I don't wanna be king.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, none of 'em were really my type.

Mike Callahan:
Oh, so now you're above slutty and young?

Kenny Morittori:
She threw a sheep in my shirt.

P.J. Franklin:
[describing her night out with the boys on their "hunting" trip]... just all jello shots and idiots from the outer suburbs. I-I'm talkin' like outer suburbs, like, you know, Canada, and the guys, they were just all different. They were all like...

Stephanie Layne:
Oh, they were all guy-ey, plain and simple, and you are not "guy-ee. You are girl-y.

Paolo:
[coming upon them] Hey!

P.J. Franklin:
Hey, Paolo!

Paolo:
PJ, how's it hangin'?

P.J. Franklin:
Low and easy.

[Paolo laughs]

Stephanie Layne:
[to PJ] Okay, you're girl-ish.

Mike Callahan:
You see, this is why he was getting hit on so much the other night, because he has the stink of success on him.

Bobby Newman:
Yeah, that's true. Nothing is more attractive than somebody who doesn't need to be attractive.

Mike Callahan:
I mean, every time you've gotten back together with her you looked stupid, and yet we always get past it.

Andy Franklin:
[to Kenny] Girl, get ahold of yourself. It's not unusual for a guy to go underground.

Kenny Morittori:
Whadda you mean?

Andy Franklin:
You know, take a break from life. Go off the grid.

Mike Callahan:
Just check out for awhile. A lot of things can drive a guy underground. A girl. Depression.

Brendan Dorff:
Really good book.

Brendan Dorff:
[noticing the guys staring at him] It's not gay.

Andy Franklin:
Kenny, be a man. Stop caring what happens to other men.

Andy Franklin:
I feel like I'm finally living the lifestyle I should have become accustomed to had I sold out when I was younger, but as it turns out, it's never too late to develop expensive tastes.

Brendan Dorff:
Did you just bust out a McConaughey?

Stephanie Layne:
And you should have seen this fleabag place I had to stay in last night. I mean, there's charm, and then there's dirt.

Andy Franklin:
Greetings, lower-tax-bracketeers.

[Receiving poor service at their favorite bar, the guy turn on Mike]

Andy Franklin:
What'd you do to her?

Mike Callahan:
I have no idea.

Brendan Dorff:
Really. You did nothing.

Mike Callahan:
No. I mean, I slept with her and didn't call her back, but that can't be it.

Andy Franklin:
[sarcastic] That can't be it. Women LOVE that.

P.J. Franklin:
Look, um, I want to apologize for Mike. I am so sorry. He's such an ass.

Terri:
Not your fault.

P.J. Franklin:
Uh, in a way it is. They don't behave well when I'm gone. It's like I go out of town and he forgets all of his training.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] One tiny, interrupted conversation can change everything.

Mike Callahan:
[to Bobby on being a groom] Uh, dude, stop auditioning. You got the part.

Kenny Morittori:
We're his best men. It's our job to be here for him.

Brendan Dorff:
Yeah.

Mike Callahan:
Well, do we get a lunch break?

Mike Callahan:
There are three things that I do well: change a flat tire...

Brendan Dorff:
Scare babies.

Kenny Morittori:
Live in a house with one chair?

[looking at each other's mustaches]

Kenny Morittori:
Shouldn't you be telling the neighbors you're a sex offender?

Mike Callahan:
Shouldn't you be panning for gold circa 1849?

Andy Franklin:
I have more important things on my mind, like who's gonna save that girl you tied to the railroad track.

Stephanie Layne:
Hey, a wound heals faster in the sunlight.

Bobby Newman:
You are all I thought about on my honeymoon.

[first lines]

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] One of the great things about sports is that it creates heroes, people who give us something to aspire to. In life, finding a hero isn't always as easy, but I've been lucky.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] Even though we know our heroes are human beings, it's still surprising to see them when they actually act like it.

Aunt Phyllis:
Watch the hands, buddy. I don't know where they've been. Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

P.J. Franklin:
[voiceover] It's a sad thing when we find ourselves disappointed by our heroes, whether it's because we idealized them, or think we know them, or wanna be like them. It always stings when our heroes fall from grace. Then again, it also helps to remind us who our real heroes are.