Robot Chicken

father:
[comes into room after gunshots are heard after an arguement with his wife] Hey, champ... pack your bags! We're going on a little trip! To DISNEYLAND!

son:
Is Mom coming?

father:
DISNEYLAND!

Various:
Look! It's Joel Schumacher, history's greatest monster!

Britney Spears:
[in a death-match against Joey Fatone] Wait a second! Meet my homegirls - Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Simpson's sister...

Ashlee Simpson:
I'm Ashlee!

Britney Spears:
[sighs in frustration] Sh! The big kids are talkin'!

Announcer:
The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day.

Fidel Castro:
Andale, andale! Arriba, arriba!

M. Night Shyamalan:
What a twist!

Hello Kitty:
There are 42 pressure points on the human body which result in death. I will teach you 41. The 42nd I may one day have to use on you !

Leonardo:
Tubular!

Raphael:
Radical!

Donatello:
Awesome!

Michealangelo:
Reaganomics!

Bill Clinton:
I'm Bill Clinton! I'm gonna push over this cow!

Joey Fatone:
Of course! Together, we're stronger than we ever were solo! Right, Justin?

Justin Timberlake:
Well... uh... heh... All right.

Child:
Is this gonna hurt?

Doctor:
Only if God hates you.

pirate 1:
[has a helm wheel on the front of his pants]

pirate 2:
Arr! What's that steering wheel be for?

pirate 1:
Arrr, it's driving me nuts!

Ironhide:
Wow, Prime sure has to urinate a lot.

Prowl:
Yea! He must be French, cuz he's-a-peein'! Ha ha ha!

Ironhide:
Uhh, I think that's "*You're* a-peein'"

Prowl:
He he he... but... I'm not.

Ironhide:
Ugh, such a Retardicon.

Scarlett Johansson:
[in limo] Can I just roll down the window and shake his hand?

Queen Beryl:
Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [notices her erection] Oh! Anime sure is weird.

The Notorious B.I.G.:
[Tupac walks around heaven and bumps into The Notorious B.I.G] Pac?

Tupac Shakur:
Biggie? [Tupac and B.I.G. pull their guns and shoot each other dead]

Disney's Head:
I... *hunger*...

Bodyguard:
[to two other bodyguards off camera] Bring in the first Cuban child!

[Cuban child is brought in by two other bodyguards, and is whimpering in fear]

Bodyguard:
Walt Disney... must *feed*!

Velma:
No! All my friends are dead and I'm still a virgin!

Don Knotts:
You think your life is bad? I just found out one of my tenants might be a flaming homosexual! And someone just killed me.

Santa Claus:
Bring out your dead!

Asian Massuese:
[shouts] Happy ending! Happy ending! Happy ending!

Camel:
[standing outside a strip bar] That looked like my toe!

Daphne:
[falls down a trapdoor and finds a mantle adorned by the head of Pamela Voorhees] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!

Fred:
[falls through the same trapdoor and lands on Daphne] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!

Daphne:
Fred, you're an a**hole! And that ascot makes you look gay!

Mad Scientist:
[holding up a sign that reads] Why did the chicken cross the road?

Robot Chicken:
[holding up another sign that reads] Bawk?

Mad Scientist:
[holding up another sign that reads] To die in the name of science! [pulls out a butcher's knife and chases the chicken]

George W. Bush:
My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule.

Wonder Woman:
[walking in on The Hulk peeing on the dishes] My good plates!

The Hulk:
Dishes done!

Japanese Gameshow Host:
You want million dollar? You win crazy smile face million dollar!

Ryan Seacrest:
Nice outfit. Isn't it gauche to wear brown after Labor Day?

Count Chockula:
I don't know, Ryan. Isn't it gauche be a total douche bag on national TV each week?

Ryan Seacrest:
[smiling] Not when you're paid like me.

Pat Morita:
You can't enter that tournament without the proper skills, Fat One.

Joey Fatone:
...And will you train me, Mr. Miyagi?

Pat Morita:
First of all, I'm Pat-effin'-Morita, ya nutsack. Second of all, you're too old for the training.

Daniel-san:
[enters with a plunger] So was I... if you remember.

Pat Morita:
Daniel-san! I thought I smelled failure. That toilet's not going to uplug itself!

[the Fat One's training is a parody of Mortal Kombat]

Scorpion Wanna-Be:
[throws a chain to pull the Fat One close] Come here, you!

Joey Fatone:
[Britney Spears joins with others into a giant monster] I'm finished!

Justin Timberlake:
Don't worry, Joey!

J.C. Chasez:
We'll help you!

Lance Bass:
All for one and one for all!

Chris Kirkpatrick:
Reaganomics!

Freddy Krueger:
If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A Dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.

Chinese Resturant Guy:
["You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken"] Hey! Breckin Meyer!

Breckin Meyer:
Yeah, Chinese Restaurant Guy?

Chinese Resturant Guy:
Hey! Ever hear of a cat gopher?

Breckin Meyer:
Cat gopher? What's a cat gopher?

Chinese Resturant Guy:
Cat go for $6 if I put MSG on it! [audience laughs as Chinese Restaurant Guy goes back in locker]

Breckin Meyer:
Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic getting here. I mean, granted, I was in a Benz, but this is horse sh*t! Oh, f*** you! You know what? I'm going home! Yeah, you can kiss my ass! I was in "Garfield," motherf***er!

[Corey Feldman is dying]

Corey Feldman:
Remember me... in "Stand By Me"... and "The Lost Boys"... the first half at least... oh... and..."Friday... the 13th... Part...

[Corey Feldman dies]

[the Fat One is trying to determine which Ninja Turtle is Corey Feldman]

Raphael:
Pizza is *radical*!

Michealangelo:
Master Splinter's *way cool*!

Leonardo:
Turtle power, dude!

Donatello:
Clean... Sober... Back on television! Things are lookin' up for the Feldmeister!

TiVo Addict:
[sits at TV while watching TiVo] Wow! I can record my favorite shows and teach it to record other shows that I like! This is great! What did I do without this thing? [phone rings] Yello?

Guy:
Hey, buddy! We're heading down to the bar. You wanna come?

TiVo Addict:
Why don't you take your *bar* and shove it up your *ASS*! I'm watching TiVo!

Janis:
[Janis is appearing on the Howard Stern radio show] I just found out I have Hepatitis C. I only have five years left to live.

Howard Stern:
Wow, that sucks. So, are you going to show us your breasts?

Janis:
F*** you, Howard! I'm dying!

Keanu Reeves:
Hi, I'm Keanu Reeves. I've beaten the world of acting, and now I'm beating the world of breakfast sausage.

Ryan Seacrest:
[closing on American Idol] Seacrest out!

Umpire:
[Few sketches later, at a baseball game, where Ryan Seacrest was batting but struck out] Seacrest out!

Ryan Seacrest:
[more sketches later, where Seacrest is in front of a mirror wearing a dress] Seacrest out!

Coach:
[the sporting balls are deflated] Oh, my balls! My balls! Who could've done this to my balls?

Child 1:
This show is so clever.

Child 2:
Totally!

[Mario and Luigi are participants in a celebrity auto race]

Luigi:
Mario, we're-a losing!

Mario:
It's-a time to use-a the blue tortoise shell, no?

Luigi:
Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.

Draco Malfoy:
Hey Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick!

[he places it onto Harry Potter's head]

The Sorting Hat:
VIRGIN!

[Everyone laughs. Harry puts the hat on Hermione]

The Sorting Hat:
SECOND BASE!

[Cobra Commander, Skeletor, Mum-Ra and Lex Luthor are car pooling]

Skeletor:
Oh, that was a good one Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lex Luthor:
What was a good... OH, Dear Lord!

Skeletor:
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Cobra Commander:
AHHH IT'S BURNING MY EYES!

Mum-Ra:
[Tries to open windows] UNLOCK THE WINDOWS!

Skeletor:
Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's BREAKFAST BORRITO HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Emperor Palpatine:
[on the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favourite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? F***! Ah, f***, f***, f***!... Who's THEY?... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?

[sighs]

Emperor Palpatine:
OK, OK, so who's left?... Are you shitting me?... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit?

[phone beeps, he sighs]

Emperor Palpatine:
Hang on, I've got another call.

[switches line]

Emperor Palpatine:
WHAT? I'm very busy right now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, alright Uh. Um, get me a turkey club... Um, coleslaw I guess. I'm not even going to eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - What?... Oh, uh, cherry coke. Thanks.

[switches line]

Emperor Palpatine:
Sorry about that.

[sighs]

Emperor Palpatine:
What?... Oh, oh, JUST rebuild it?... Oh, real f***ing original. And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Light Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny b*tch you were about Padama-may or Panda-Bear what whatever the hell her name is!...

[covers receiver]

Emperor Palpatine:
Oh, Jeez, he's crying!

[giggles, then into phone]

Emperor Palpatine:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of f***ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap.

[does jacking off motion to guys in room]

Emperor Palpatine:
Oh, uh, just get back here. OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I...

[whispers into phone]

Emperor Palpatine:
I love you, too.

Cop #1:
Ah! He's got a wrench!

Cop #2:
Take him down!

Luigi:
[the police shoot Luigi] Oh mamamia!

Mario:
You killed my brother! You sons of-a b*tches! [takes out a tommy gun and starts shooting everything]

Jared the Subway Guy:
[Jared passes out in the bathroom at a bakery] I must have passed out from the strain of pushing that enormous log out of my butt. [comes out of the bathroom to find the bakery deserted] Did my dookie fumes clear out the whole bakery?

Sephiroth:
[the cast of Final Fantasy VII is working in a restauraunt. Sephiroth enters accompanied by ominous sounding music] Cloud, I need you to work on Saturday.

Batman:
[to Robin during a street race] If you don't want a bat b*tch slap you'll launch the batnet and take down those cops.

[ending theme]

Robot Chicken:
[sung] Wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bawk / Bawk bawk bawk bawka bawka wawk bawk bawk

Robot Chicken, 2nd Chicken:
[sung] A wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bikka gikka wawk bawk bawk

Robot Chicken, 2nd Chicken, 3rd Chicken:
[sung] A wawk bawk bawk / Abawk bawk bawk / Bawk blawk bawk bicka kicka bwawk bawk baaaaaaawk

Robot Chicken:
[sung] BIGAAAAAAAAK

Human male voice:
[spoken] Bawk.

Emperor Palpatine:
[to Darth Vader on the phone, regarding the Death Star's destruction] Build another one? Oh yeah, that's real f***ing original! And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? You got an ATM in that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your 7-foot-2 asthmatic ass back here, or else I'll tell everyone what a whiney b*tch you were about Padamamay or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is!

[pause, aside to senators]

Emperor Palpatine:
Oh jeez, he's crying!

[goes back to phone]

Emperor Palpatine:
Hey, hey, hey, come on don't do that, just... look, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death star blown up by a bunch of f***ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. Just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I... ye... I... I love you too.

Ted Turner:
[dressed as Captain Planet] Protect the environment, or I'll f***ing kill you! Captain Planet!

[Talking to Darth Vader on the phone; yelling throughout]

Emperor Palpatine:
Huh? What do you mean "they blew up the Death Star"?

[Listens to the reply]

Emperor Palpatine:
F***! Oh, f***! F***! F***! F***!

Emperor Palpatine:
Who's "they"?

[Listens to the reply]

Emperor Palpatine:
What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?

Emperor Palpatine:
So I threw the senate at him... the whole senate! True story.

[a squirrel sits in a tree loading a sniper rifle]

Squirrel:
Who's nuts now?

[starts laughing and shooting]

Squirrel:
HUH? HUH?

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
Hello Robot Chicken. I viewed your recent Gobots sketch with a total lack of mirth and an abundance of extreme displeasure. The folowing is my annotated version of your worthless attempt at humour. Watch and learn jerks!

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
[Scooter runs into the bathroom with a nudie mag and some lotion] First of all Gobots do not live in houses. Second of all Gobots do not masturbate if that is indeed what you are implying.

Leader-1:
Scooter?

Scooter:
Don't come in!

Leader-1:
What are you doing in there?

Scooter:
DON'T COME IN! DON'T COME IN!

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
[sighing] This is NOT a hilarious circumstance. It is both painful and truamatic as anyone who has lived through it will tell you.

Turbo:
So... Let me get this straight? You're a helicopter and your name is Cop-Tur?

Cop-Tur:
Yes!

Turbo:
Lame!

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
Turbo is a good Gobot and Cop-Tur is a Renegade Gobot. They would not be conversing as such. Also Cop-Tur is just his lame American name. When the character was originated in Japan in 1981 Cop-Tur's name was Gyro Robo. I have taken the librety of redubbing this scene. So I hear your name is Gyro Robo? Correct! That is very not lame.

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
[Cy-Kill turns into a girl's bycicle] I won't even dignify this scene with my analysis. Robot Chicken has screwed the proverbial pooch while attempting to skewer the vast and magnificent world of the Gobots. Please GO TO HELL!

Mother:
Daniel? Come get your supper honey.

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
Mom I told my name is Gyro Robo.

Mother:
Oh sorry Gyro Robo.

Daniel 'Gyro Robo':
There that's more like it.

Man:
Hiya Casper! Hey!

[yanking down man's pants]

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
Someone call UPS there's a little package that needs to be delivered.

Man:
Hey! I thought you were supposed to be a friendly ghost?

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
IDIOT! I'm his brother Jasper the Douchebag Ghost.

Singer:
Jasper the Douchebag Ghost the douchiest ghost possessed. He'll call you names and act real mean until you feel depressed. He'll always say...

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
F*** YOU! Lick my sack, ya fairy!

Singer:
He's so damned rude and so damned crude. Jasper the Douchebag Ghost.

Pastor:
[Jasper enters the body of a deceased woman] We will all miss Annie. But she has gone to a better place.

[Annie suddenly rises]

Herman:
Oh grandma. I knew you weren't dead.

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
You know Herman you were always my least favorite grandchild.

[laughing]

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
RETARD!

Singer:
[singing] Jasper the Douchebag Ghost.

Jasper The Douchebag Ghost:
Lick my sack!

[the Peanuts characters show off their geography schoolwork]

Linus Van Pelt:
I love Geography Day! [shows off a map of Italy] I got Italy!

Lucy Van Pelt:
[showing off a map of Russia] I got Russia!

Charlie Brown:
[showing off a map of Iraq] I got Iraq.

[Dr Doom incinerates Rebecca, a housewife who was staying with Reed Richards as part of a wife-swap program]

Dr. Doom:
How could you allow this to happen?

Mr. Fantastic:
It was part of the show's premise, what was I supposed to do?

Dr. Doom:
Oh, I don't know, maybe NOT PIT A HOUSEWIFE AGAINST THE POWER OF DOOM?

Invisible Woman:
I have to make dinner every night? Wow, what did I sign up for?

Lindsay Lohan:
I'm Lindsay Lohan... Lo-hon... Lowon... I'm Lois Lane!

Hilary Duff:
[in a Parody of Highlander] He's dead, as are the Olsen Twins, I even decapitated my sister Haylie, Though she didn't have any powers now it was really awkward to explain to Mom and Dad, Only you and I remain.

Lindsay Lohan:
You B*tch!

Hilary Duff:
Watch it Lohan, we can't fight on Holy ground.

[They're currently at The Gap]

Sean Connery:
[During Lindsay's training exercises] You must harness your gifts for the gathering.

Lindsay Lohan:
What gathering? You're gathering.

Lindsay Lohan:
I lost 150 pounds, and nobody takes me seriously! Maybe I'll adopt a brown kid.

Hilary Duff:
So now it ends. The power is mine, Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan:
Not if I can help it! [Lohan and Duff engage in a sword fight]

Hilary Duff:
Slut!

Lindsay Lohan:
Whore!

Hilary Duff:
White trash!

Lindsay Lohan:
Agent Cody skank!

Hilary Duff:
Aaron Carter loves *me*!

Lindsay Lohan:
Aaron said your toes were gross!

Hilary Duff:
Your album sucks!

Lindsay Lohan:
*MY* album sucks!

Lindsay Lohan:
When I grow up, I gonna get an Oscar.

Sean Connery:
If by Oscar you mean get your head cut off, you're on your way if you don't train harder.

Lindsay Lohan:
Uh, that totally isn't what I meant, stupid! You smell like whiskey, and I wanna go shopping.

Sean Connery:
And they complained when I smacked by wife.

Sean Connery:
Never lose your temper!

Lindsay Lohan:
Never lose my "tempa"?

Sean Connery:
Temper!

Lindsay Lohan:
Ugh, i hate your slurring, you drunk!

Sean Connery:
I'm not drunk! I'm Scottish!

Lindsay Lohan:
[sarcastic] Ooh, sure. And I was in the hospital for exhaustion.

Panthro:
Lion-O, what are you looking at?

Lion-O:
[spying on Cheetara in heat] Uh, nothing, I'm just... checking up on Mumm-Ra!

Panthro:
I really hope that's not true. [shows Lion-O he's gotten an erection]

[the male ThunderCats try to crash into the females' quarters]

Jaga:
Wait, ThunderCats, think! If you do this, you'll just be mindless beasts, gratifying your impulses!

Panthro:
Yeah, we're fine with that!

Jaga:
Me too! Just checking, obviously we're going in there!

[Snarf has made out with WilyKit and Cheetara ahead of the others]

Snarf:
Sorry, ThunderCats! If you want sloppy seconds you're going to have to play Rock, Paper and Scissors! Snarf, snarf!

Lion-O:
F***ing gross! [the male ThunderCats take Snarf's advice anyway]

Announcer:
He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's nazi or nice. Schindler's List 2: Schindler's Pissed

Fred Flintstone:
Hey, Barney boy, this is the life.

Barney Rubble:
You said it, Fred. An entire civilization not wearing underwear. You've gotta love it.

Barney Rubble:
Witnesses! The dishwasher...

Octopus:
My goodness cretaceous!

Barney Rubble:
The record player...

Bird:
He's off his rocker!

Barney Rubble:
The bidet!

Turtle:
Oh, man, the things I've witnessed!

Lego Servant:
Uh, your majesty? We're officially out of Legos. Lots of Duplo blocks, though.

Lego Pharoh:
Duplo? I'll Duplo you in the nutbag!

Gohan:
I'll get this one, Dad! [attacks the Nutcracker with the Nimbus cloud]

Nutcracker:
You're not so tough!

Nutcracker:
Testicle attack number 49! [Punches Gohan in the crotch]

Gohan:
Ow! My dragon balls!

Barney Rubble:
[Barney is burying Fred after accidentally killing him] Dammit, Fred. I just wanted some of your f***ing cereal.

Composite Santa Claus:
[Goku launches a ki force attack] Oh! Temperatures over 32 degrees Fahrenheit! My only weakness!

Gohan:
Who ae these guys, Dad?

Goku:
Kung-Fu legends! That's the Little Drummer Boy, whose mystical drum conjures up demons most foul. That's the Nutcracker, who knows over 100 testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa, one half Frosty the Snowman.

Gohan:
What powers does Composite Santa have?

Goku:
I don't know, but he freaks me right the f*** out!

Gohan:
Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?

Goku:
You're damn right I could! [footsteps are heard]

Gohan:
Dad, is that Santa on the roof?

Goku:
Well, if not, I got a present for him... [shoots at the roof; Santa tumbles down the chimney]

Gohan:
Santa! Santa!

Santa Claus:
Oh, my motherf***ing knee! Aw, f***! Sh*t! Aw, f***ing f*** it all to hell! That hurts like a motherf***er!

Gohan:
Dad, what's a f***er? [Goku laughs embarrassedly]

Goku:
So... uh... Santa, what happened?

Santa Claus:
Bandits, Goku! They stole my reindeer and all the presents... and my pants! [stands up, Goku swiftly covers Gohan's eyes]

Composite Santa Claus:
I've got five reasons for you to shut up! [pulls out a revolver and fires]

Composite Santa Claus:
One, two, three, four, five!

Goku:
SPIRIT BOMB!

Gohan:
KAMEHAMEHA! [unleash a blast that defeats the Drummer Boy... and most of the reindeer]

Santa Claus:
[about his wife] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women... Am I right, fellas?

[Mrs Claus explodes into a snowflake]

Goku:
The Tenka'ichi Bud?kai is finally complete!

Santa Claus:
What the f*** are you talking about? Was that even English? What happened to my wife? [a reindeer eats the snowflake]

Santa Claus:
This is the last time I deliver presents to Japan...

[Goku and Composite Santa Claus face each other, powering up... ]

Composite Santa Claus:
Okay, I got nothing!

Chop Chop Master Onion:
PaRappa! You never return my phone calls! So now eat bullets and lick my balls!

Snarf:
Lion-O, listen closely, for these are my dying words.

Lion-O:
Yes, yes?

Snarf:
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRFFF!

Jaga:
Snarf is in a better place now. But young Lion-O still needs a nagging nursemaid.

Mumm-Ra:
[from the magic cauldron] At last, my chance to destroy that accursed Lion-O has arrived! [Slithe walks in with a laundry basket and empties it into the cauldron]

Mumm-Ra:
Idiot, this is the magic cauldron! That's the laundry cauldron!

Mumm-Ra:
[disguise] Hello, I'm Mrs. Mum... bleti... peg. The cat-sitting service sent me.

WilyKat:
You're old.

WilyKit:
You smell like butthole stuffed with wet dog!

Mumm-Ra:
CHILDREN... respect your elders.

Cheetara:
Oh, come in. I'm just taking a bath. [Mrs. Mumbletipeg opens the door to find Cheetara cleaning herself... with her tongue]

Mumm-Ra:
Ooh, I thought you were bathing, dear.

Cheetara:
I am! Gee, for a cat-sitter you don't know a lot about cats. [licks herself again]

Mumm-Ra:
Oh! Wow! Um... Mrs. Mumbletipeg needs to go masturbate. I mean um... uh... see... uh... Mrs. Mum... What I meant was, Mrs. Mumbletipeg... [beat]

Mumm-Ra:
F*** it, I'm a go masturbate. [runs off]

[Lion-O hears strange noises from the bathroom]

Lion-O:
That's Mumm-Ra! [Kicks the door down]

Lion-O:
Stop right there Mumm-Ra... OH MY GOD!

Mumm-Ra:
[masturbating] I'm havin' a private moment!

[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Road Runner runs into a tunnel, but Wile E. crashes into the tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake tunnel", and Wile E. holds up a sign saying "No sh*t"]

Road Runner:
Meep, meep!

[Road Runner speeds off. Wile E. is feeling sad and holds up a sign saying "What am I doing in my life?". He throws signs saying "I will catch him", "It's what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. Wile E. finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149?" Wile E. puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church, the Road Runner walks sadly to the Coyote's funeral]

Road Runner:
[sadly] M-meep, meep.

[Wile E. reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As Wile E. is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "... yes, I have an erection."]

Corey Haim:
[yawn] Good morning! What are we gonna do today, Corey Feldman?

Corey Feldman:
Same thing we do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.

[dancing naked in front of some pets]

Naked Man:
[singing] This is how I dance when I'm not wearing underpants! Nothing I like more than to dance and I'm not gonna wear no pants! You can't make me...

Moses:
God has blessed me with 10 irrefutable commandments for living!

Follower:
Anything on there about not pushing your religion onto other people?

Moses:
No.

Follower:
Didn't think so.

Moses:
Number one: He who smelt it, dealt it.

[followers all burst into laughter]

Moses:
What? What's so funny? Stop it! Stop laughing!

Jenna Bush:
[trapped in a crate] Let us out!

Barbara Bush:
Damn you to hell, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!

Jenna Bush:
My dad's the president! I'm gonna get your buried in oil, and then I'm gonna have my daddy invade you!

Barbara Bush:
My dad will get your hurt! Yeah, how'd you like to have your ass kicked by Halli-b-burton or Halliblurton?

Jenna Bush:
Ha ha ha!

Barbara Bush:
Think Jenna, we're like old apples tied up to a bag of sh*t.

Jenna Bush:
It's dark! I got to go to the bathroom!

Pac-Man:
[singing] Please don't judge me, I *bleep*. I chase ghosts down the hall. You'd never guessed, I'm obsessed with munching on the balls. Ohh!

[as the G.I. Joes win an Emmy award in PSAs]

Cobra Commander:
Look at them, Destro! The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! "Hey kids, don't play with poles and electric lights!" - reads like a dispatch from the No Sh*t Clinic!

Destro:
I'll get the nerve gas!

Cobra Commander:
No, you fool, we'll beat them at their own game! We will create our own PSAs!

Baroness:
[enters] Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing! I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Applebee's! Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? [pause]

Baroness:
Destro?

Destro:
She's actually really funny, guys...

Cobra Commander:
You lost me at "She's". F*** it, we're doing it without a script!

Cobra Commander:
Okay, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now this upsets you, and...

Storm Shadow:
Why?

Cobra Commander:
Well, it's dangerous to run with scissors!

Storm Shadow:
I run with katana! Is that not dangerous?

Cobra Commander:
Wow, I hadn't thought of that! Excellent point, Storm Shadow!

[to Tomax]

Cobra Commander:
Get this piece of sh*t off my set!

[a boy runs with scissors and gets himself killed]

Storm Shadow:
Well, Cobra Commander, looks like I owe you an apology...

Cobra Commander:
[reading to two children] And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to... sssound it out. [the children giggle]

Cobra Commander:
Oh, yes, I have a sssmall ssspeech impediment. [the children laugh]

Cobra Commander:
IT'S NOT FUNNY! [his helmet falls off, and the children are horrified at his scar-torn face. Commander pulls out a gun and shoots the children]

Cobra Commander:
Shut. It. Down!

[as the G.I. Joes win an Emmy award in PSAs]

Destro:
Pump the nerve gas!

Reginald 'Red' Forman:
Kitty, my iPod's busted! I'm gonna shove my foot straight up Steve Jobs' ass!

Kitty Forman:
Oh, hush Red! I'm blogging!

Reginald 'Red' Forman:
In Korea, you could get a good 'blogging' for five American dollars!

Kitty Forman:
Oh, honey!

[laughs]

Fez:
[phone rings] Kelso!

Michael Kelso:
Fez! I just took your picture with my phone! I just sent it to you!

Fez:
[checks phone] Oooh... what a sexy photo! It really captures my metrosexuality!

Steven Hyde:
Okay... who just text messaged me saying I'm a douche bag?

Michael Kelso:
*Burn!*

Luigi:
Mario, we're-a losing!

Mario:
It's-a time to use-a the blue tortoise shell, no?

Luigi:
Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.

Dominic Toretto:
You're more man then me, headless Ponch!

J.J. McClure:
Headless Ponch!

Victor Prinzim:
Headless Ponch!

J.J. McClure:
As the winner, you receive this gift basket, from Omaha steaks!

Victor Prinzim:
Awesome! Wonderful!

J.J. McClure:
And a fifty dollar gift certificate, from Best Buy!

Victor Prinzim:
Best buy! Woof!

Officer Jon Baker:
We're almost at the finish line, partner!

[discovers that Ponch has been decapitated]

Officer Jon Baker:
Ohh...

Mark Wahlberg:
[parody of The Moment of Truth] Ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't?

Contestant:
Yes.

Mark Wahlberg:
Ever cheated on your taxes?

Contestant:
Yes.

Mark Wahlberg:
Ever used the n-word in anger?

Contestant:
Yes.

Mark Wahlberg:
Ever put your penis in a Slinky?

Contestant:
Ye... uh, no.

Mark Wahlberg:
You lose!

Trojan Man:
[Trojan Man chorus] The reservoir tip is for your semen!

Zeb Wells:
Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?

Seth Green:
Punishment. We told him about this place over drinks. The next thing we know "Cabin in the Woods" was in theaters nationwide.

Matthew Senreich:
People weren't necessarily *in* those theaters...

Seth Green:
Regardless, we made him a zombie.

[Bloopers from "Pok?mon"]

Pikachu:
Pika pika pikachu! Pika Pi!

Squirtle:
Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle! Squirtle!

Pikachu:
Pika Pika Pikachu! Pika Pika.

Squirtle:
Squirtle Squirtle Squirt... What... What the f*** am I saying? No, I mean it! This sh*t doesn't make sense at all!

Pikachu:
Say your lines, Earl! Or you'll get the gas!

Squirtle:
For the love of Christ, kids! Go read a book or something!

Optimus Prime:
Hi. I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now, we transformers don't have organic internal organs and can't get cancer, but you do... and you can.

Jazz:
So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!

Human Torch:
It, uh... burns when I pee.

Optimus Prime:
[entering] WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?

George Bush:
My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule!

Optimus Prime:
Using the whole fist, doc?

Man:
I'm so hungry.

Wiseass:
Hi Mr. Hungry, can I call you "So"?

Marc Summers:
Welcome back to "Unwrapped". You know, nearly everyone has enjoyed an ice cream sundae on a hot day, but the origins of this tasty treat may just surprise you. It's commonly accepted that the sundae was invented in Evanston, Illinois, circa 1890. We went to Dr. Peter Yarborough for the real scoop.

Dr. Peter Yarbourgh:
Here's how f***ing dumb these f***heads in Illinois were. The ice cream soda had just been invented; teenagers liked them. So these f***ing religious numbnuts sat around jacking off in church all day thinking about how much they just hated teenagers, and decided - true f***ing story, people - that God therefore must hate ice cream sodas. That's right! These Illinois f***nuts concluded that God, creator of the infinite universe who probably had a trillion f***ing better things to do, actually had an opinion about motherf***ing ice cream sodas! So the state of Illinois banned ice cream sodas on Sundays. You know, so I guess God wouldn't make it rain crickets or some ridiculous f***ing horseshit! Long story short, every Sunday, the f***ing ice cream stores, they'd just - ta-da! - they'd just leave out the soda part! And these Illinois f***s, they just sat around, jacked off, thinking about how much they had pleased their invisible master who lives on a f***ing flying cloud, or wherever the f*** he lives! That's how ice cream sundaes were invented - dumb f***ing Illinois a**holes!

Marc Summers:
Up next... Skittles!

Dr. Peter Yarbourgh:
Oh, f***ing Skittles!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[at The Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab! [customers gasp, as one customer retches]

Mr. Krabs:
[chuckles] Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy

SpongeBob SquarePants:
Then explain this! [holds a box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! [holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]

Mr. Krabs:
[grabs SpongeBob] You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!

SpongeBob SquarePants:
It's not just crabs! [looks over to Squidward] Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!

[Squidward vomits]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!

[a customer pushes away his bowl. Everyone surrounds Mr. Krabs]

Fish:
You fed us to us?

Fish 2:
Are we paying you to kill us?

SpongeBob SquarePants:
You're disgusting.

Mr. Krabs:
No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.

[everyone except SpongeBob start to beat up Mr. Krabs]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
[sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.

[a very fat man sits on a bed with a nurse]

Nurse:
Okay, just got to scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done.

[the nurse starts scrubbing the man with a sponge. SpongeBob pushes the scene aside]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
I SAID, "NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!"

Nurse:
[splat] Oh, I hope that's pudding in there.

Bush's Aide:
Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction.

George W. Bush:
[trying to do the Jedi mind trick] You HAVE found weapons of mass destruction.

Bush's Aide:
[stares at Bush] Uhh... hi. We haven't.

George W. Bush:
You HAVE.

Bush's Aide:
[sighs] I don't know what you're doing.

George W. Bush:
Bring me a taco.

Bush's Aide:
Yes, sir.

George W. Bush:
Heh, heh, heh... Tacos rule.

Taco Bell Dog:
[after being neutered] Yo quiero my nuts!

Narrator:
But not all was love and warmth at the North Pole. Discontent had begun to spread among the androgynous elfin workforce.

Hermey the Elf:
It was all about the coke, man! Santa had us elves hide the blow in the crappy wooden toys. Then he'd make the drop, and the sale was complete. He tried using some different ways to sneak the product in. You ever see a yeti when a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly? It's a bad scene, man.

Blitzen:
Drugs? That wasn't no secret. But I'll tell you what the fat man's real problem was, when some of the shipments started turning up a little light, follow me? Somebody started having little private parties, you know what I'm saying? I think you do. As for who, well... you ever wonder how his nose got so red?

Narrator:
Who killed Santa Claus? A neglected housewife? Colombian drug runners? Some retard snowman? We may never know who killed Santa Claus, but whoever did is still out there... watching, waiting. Who's next? The Easter Bunny? Cupid? That Lucky Charms cereal guy? Who's to say? But when it does happen, Unsolved Case Files will be there to make a buck.

Daphne:
[She falls backwards from the cabin into a little outdoor layer] That must be Jason's dead mother. This explains everything.

Fred:
[He falls on Daphne] That must be Jason's dead mother. This explains everything.

Daphne:
Fred, you're an a**hole! And that ascot makes you look gay.

Fred:
I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice sex until you get back.

Phyllis Diller:
Sex? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me!

[laughs]

Fred:
[Fred smacks Phyllis] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!

Phyllis Diller:
[Phyllis punches out Fred] Well, your ass got laid out by this old whore, dickey!

Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers:
Man, this place gives me like the heebie jeebies!

Scooby Doo:
Ruh-huh!

[Shaggy opens up a cubbard door, revealing a box of Scooby Snacks]

Scooby Doo:
Rooby Snack!

Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers:
Yeah!

[laughs and starts munching away on Scooby Snacks]

Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers:
Man... I am one sad, dog food eating hippie!

Velma:
The virgin always lives the longest in these films. Man! My life sucks!

Don Knotts:
You think youre life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo!... And that's not all, somebody just killed me!

[falls down dead]

Samara Morgan:
I like trees and dolls and ponies, if they don't keep me up at night, long walks by the cliffs, and nice Catholic men. Hope to meet you soon!

[disappears]

Video Dater:
I think I just shat out my heart! I wonder if she puts out.

Hermione Granger:
According to legend, Pubertis lives in this dungeon.

Ron Weasley:
Harry! I'm scared!

Harry:
You're always scared you chicken sh*t!

Ron Weasley:
I can't help it! I'm a red-headed, pimple-faced chicken sh*t virgin!

John Corzine:
I am New Jersey's Governor, John Corzine.

Harrison Ford:
I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.

NASN Scientist:
Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.

Steven Tyler:
I'm ready to rock!

[vomits]

Harrison Ford:
My God. Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?

Steven Tyler:
No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!

Aerosmith Fan:
[Watching that part of Robot Chicken] That's Terrible! Steven Tyler's been clean for years!... I have to write an angry letter.

[gets on laptop]

Aerosmith Fan:
Dear Ass-faces...

Sarah Michelle Gellar:
With their new souls, the Lettace Head Kids became unstoppable. That's where I come in. I'm Buffy, I fight evil.

[shows Sarah and a friend sitting a table]

Sarah Michelle Gellar:
...and that's how season 8 would have started.

Friend:
Jesus, no wonder you quit.

Chucky:
This looks like a good spot. Once I get my body back and remove the jipsy curse or whatever the hell my origin is, I won't be hanging out in any lettace patches! He he he!

[Chucky stabs a piece of lettace, causing them all to shriek]

Chucky:
Huh? Who's there? Come and get some!

[the lettace all open revealing the Lettace Head Kids]

Chucky:
What are you? Zombies?

Lettace Head Kid:
We have no souls!

Lettace Head Kid 2:
We feel no pain!

Lettace Head Kid 3:
With your soul we can finally rid ourselves of this wretched lettace patch!

Lettace Head Kid:
Give us your soul!

Mark Hamill:
I would like to volunteer my services to blow up the asteroid. Come on! I blew up the friggin' Death Star with my eyes closed! No problem!

Geek:
Uh, that was just a movie, dude.

George W. Bush:
As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space. But this letter from my daddy says I don't got to go! Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah! ["flies" across the room] Zoom zoom zoom! Zoom zoom zoom!

Robin:
Joel Schumacher is history's greatest monster!

Kermit the Frog:
[Miss Piggy breaks Kermit's pelvis during sex] Get off of me, you f***ing wildebeest!

Sagat:
We meet again, Ryu. Only this time, we fight TO THE DEATH!

Ryu:
Actually, no. It's, uh, to Knock-Out, best two out of three. Remember? It was all covered in the packet.

Sagat:
Uh... sorry, what now?

Ryu:
[pulling out a packet] The packet I spent weeks putting together? You don't have your packet?

Sagat:
Oh, right, right! No, I have it. It's just... it's in the bag... [starts searching his bag]

Ryu:
[on phone] Well, Ken, if your opponent's late, you give him a call. There's a contact sheet in the packet.

Ken Masters:
[not looking] Let's see... contact sheet, contact sheet... no, I don't see it. You must've forgotten to put it in.

Ryu:
[on phone] What's the problem, Guile?

Guile:
I'll tell you the problem: E. Honda's venue is a bathhouse! Like a full-on "We're all guys here, so let's get naked" bathhouse!

E. Honda:
What? In my culture, it's a familiar setting.

Guile:
Hey, no one told me I'd be fighting with all these "sushi rolls" hanging out...

Ryu:
[on phone] What is it? [Blanka is in a hotel with a chihuahua, and hollers down the line]

Ryu:
No! Don't you scream at me! It's specifically noted that your hotel doesn't allow pets!

Sagat:
Tiger! Tiger! [Boom!]

Sagat:
[to Ryu] Oh, man! I accidentally just Tiger-punched my packet, dude! That is classic Sagat! I mean, I don't know what happened there...

Ryu:
[on phone] This better be good, M. Bison. [Bison is in the Q*Bert game]

M. Bison:
I think I got the wrong packet. [Punches Q*Bert]

Ryu:
[on phone] What?

Ken Masters:
It's been twenty minutes. I don't think E. Honda's coming.

Ryu:
E. Honda? [checks the packet]

Ryu:
You're not fighting E. Honda, you're fighting A Honda.

Ken Masters:
I'm fighting a car?

Ryu:
Yes!

Ken Masters:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Ryu:
It was in the packet! You know what? From now on, you lose your packet, you are OUT of the tournament!

Ken Masters:
[sarcastically] Fine, fine! I'm punching the car! Oh, he's not hitting back. How exciting! Wow, what a great idea! [gets into it]

Ken Masters:
Hey, this is kind of fun... Shoryuken! Shoryuken!

The Nerd:
[crying] I want my virginity back!

song:
Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles/Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles/Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles/Hero's in a Wheelchair

Sephiroth:
[Sephiroth is the manager of a fast food joint where Cloud works] Ha ha ha, Cloud I need you to work on Saturday!

Cloud:
But I have Lakers tickets!

Sephiroth:
Ha ha ha [They fight!]

Customer 1:
...

Customer 2:
I'm So Hungry!

Customer 3:
Hi Mrs. Hungry can I call you "So"?

Daffy Duck:
First on the mic tonight is the reigning champion, the MC hunter, Elmer Fudd, with a PA!

Elmer Fudd:
I'll get you wabbit! Ohh, I'm taking you to school, call me the professor, you're sexually confused, cause you're a cross dresser! You like to kiss men and that's real funny, call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny! You're lost on this stage, you need a map, junkie. You made a wrong left turn at Albuquerque. One more, one more. I'm a pimp, 'cause my hunting powers are hot, son. You would ride by on your home with my double barrel shotgun!

Bugs Bunny:
Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me a "Rascally Wabbit", you say your R's like your W's, that's a really bad habit! It's room not womb, trees not twees, you replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese! You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's Glue, I got you some coffee, one lump or two?

Elmer Fudd:
Two? [Bugs bashes a mallet on his head two times]

Bugs Bunny:
[dressed in a dress and wig] I only dress like a goil to prove that you're gay, would you like a kiss handsome?

Elmer Fudd:
Really? Okay.

Bugs Bunny:
Elmer packs fudd, you heard what I said, he's so bald, I'll put a hare on his head! I'll sit down on your head, just like I was a thinker. Hmm... [farts] Ain't I a stinker?

Daffy Duck:
Holy Toledo! B. Rabbit wins! B. Rabbit wins!

Elmer Fudd:
[sobbing] I'm a disgwace!

Porky Pig:
Th-th-th-that's all, B*tches!

Pat Morita:
You can't enter that tournament without the proper skills, fat one.

Joey Fatone:
And will you train me, Mr. Miyagi?

Pat Morita:
First of all, I'm Pat-effing-Morita, ya nutsack. Second of all, you're too old for the training.

Daniel LaRusso:
So was I... if you'll remember.

Pat Morita:
Daniel-San, I thought I smelled failure. That toilet's not going to unplug itself.

Burger King CEO:
What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King!

Giraffe:
[Struggling waist-deep in quicksand] Uh oh.

Giraffe:
[Screen: Stage One - Denial] It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand! I'll have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [laughs]

Giraffe:
[Screen: Stage Two - Anger] Well this is just f***ing perfect! Stupid quicksand, stupid jungle, argh, I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherf***er! Motherf***er! Motherf***er! F***! Stupid jungle! F***!

Giraffe:
[Screen: Stage Three - Bargaining] Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. Deal?

Giraffe:
[Screen: Stage Four - Depression] [uncontrollable sobs]

Giraffe:
[Screen: Stage Five - Acceptance] You know something? I'm cool with this. I'll bet, I'll bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat. And everyone gets their own slurpie machine. Yeah. Take me sweet death, I await your loving embrace! [stamp] Uh, what? I think I hit the bottom. F***.

God:
Ah, here it is. The book of your life. [Hands William a book]

William David Reynolds:
Wow! [takes a look inside to find the pages blank] Huh?

God:
Just ask the book any question about your life, and the answer shall be revealed.

William David Reynolds:
Uh... how many days did I live? [the book displays 11,972 days]

William David Reynolds:
Cool! How many hours is that? [the book displays 287,326 hours]

God:
It's not a calculator. This is the book of your life.

God:
Ooh, how many times did I hear the song "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls? [the book displays 106 times]

William David Reynolds:
Huh, I thought it would be more then that. [the book displays 'Nope']

God:
Why not ask the book about your actions on Earth and how they impacted your loved one?

William David Reynolds:
In a minute. Book, if I made bricks out of all the poop I ever pooped out and built a 6-foot high wall out of the bricks, how long could I make that wall? [the book displays 2.7 miles]

God:
This is ridiculous. Book, tell this man how many moments of happiness he gave his friends and family.

William David Reynolds:
Boring! Book, could I have filled the Empire State Building with my own poop?

God:
Don't answer that, book!

William David Reynolds:
I want to know!

God:
No!

Heathcliff:
I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.

Garfield:
Judge, if I might. I'd like to present this affidavit. [Opens his suitcase revealing lasagna] Oh, sorry, your honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it.

[the jury yawns]

Heathcliff:
Aw, that joke sucks! Even for you!

Judge:
Court agrees. That joke sucked.

[Being used a shield against Heathcliff]

Nermal:
Ah! I'm dying! AH! I'm so cute and I'm dying!

[Gets flung out the window]

Grizzlor:
Kill me please, kill me!

She-Ra:
[shouts] Shut-up! [slams the door of her room]

Anderson Cooper:
[on TV] Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?

Gargamel:
I've spent my entire adult life looking for the Smurf Village! How did Anderson ****ing Cooper find it in less than a DAY?

Anderson Cooper:
And where is the King during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?

Brainy Smurf:
Papa Smurf says that the King doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right, because Papa Smurf... Papa Smurf?

Anderson Cooper:
What is it, Brainy?

Brainy Smurf:
Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left! [bursts into tears]

[Gargamel finally cooks the Smurfs]

Gargamel:
Triumph at last! [tastes the Smurf masala... and dumps his dish in the bin]

Gargamel:
[on the phone with take-away] Hello?... It's Gargamel... Yes, the usual. Oh, with fried rice, please... For one.

Paula Janis, Carole Demas:
[singing] I'm fine, me too. We're gay, how about you? I'm fine, me too. Tell on us, and we'll tell on you!

Lumiere:
So you're dining with a beast / That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast!

Cogsworth:
Let us handle reservations / Give your taste buds a sensation!

Chamberpot:
Have your fill, eat more still / There's no need to slow your pace / After dinner, you'll be thinner / once you sit down on my face!

Lumiere:
Who's for seconds?

Chamberpot:
Eat a lot / then come meet your chamberpot...

Lumiere:
We are trying to serve dinner!

Chamberpot:
What, DeFicacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! DeFicacci didn't ask be a chamberpot!

Lumiere:
None of us asked to be stuck in the forms of household items! But people are eating!

Chamberpot:
So, DeFicacci only useful after dinner, eh? I get to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping on my...

Lumiere:
I said people are eating! [the chamberpot runs off crying]

Lumiere:
Okay, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this b*tch... Belle? Where did Belle go? [cut to Belle sitting on the chamberpot]

Chamberpot:
Whoa, sound a horn! / Looks like someone's eaten corn!

Belle:
[in agony] Does everything have to be a f***ing song?

Mother:
If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass milk. If you give him some milk, he'll want more. If you give a mouse more milk, he'll develop a taste for human blood. If he develops a taste for human blood, he'll become a vampire. If he becomes a vampire, he'll have to make followers. Now, if he makes some followers, they'll need to feed. If they feed too much, the national guard will be called out. If the national guard is called out, they, too, will become fodder for the vampires. If the national guard fails, the President will call in a nuclear strike. If a nuke is dropped, hundreds of thousands of people will die. America will become a nuclear wasteland and collapse. With no one to keep the rest of the world's nukes in check, every crackpot nation will launch their own. Eventually the entire earth will be destroyed. And that's why I had to kill Daddy. He was giving a mouse a cookie. [laughs] Sleep well, sweetie.

[Pac-Man is teaching a class in front of some Pac-Children]

Pac-Man:
The female anatomy looks like this.

[Pac-Man shows a photo of Ms. Pac-Man who has a pink bow on her head. The Pac-Kid's start to giggle]

Pac-Man:
Come on guys, let's try to be mature here.

Pac-Kid:
[referring to the bow] It's pink. [giggles]

Peter Griffin:
Hi, y'all. I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.

Peter Griffin:
Guilty!

Space Ghost:
Guilty!

Master Shake:
Ho ho! You're so friggin' guilty!

Jesus:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

[throws rock]

Jesus:
Blammo!

Mike Brady:
This tastes different today.

Carol Brady:
Alice added pee.

Mike Brady:
Ah, peas.

Carol Brady:
I'm a housewife with a maid! It took you this long to figure out what I was doing all day?

Mike Brady:
Like I cared about you and the Rent-A-Kids anyway. Here's a *better* story, of a *bloody* lady, who's dead, who's f***ing dead!

Jan Brady:
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! How come she gets blown up, and I don't?

[Mike throws a grenade at her]

Cindy Brady:
Mommy, Kitty Carryall said lisps aren't cute, and recommends corrective surgery.

Greg Brady:
No, we wouldn't go to Hell, because she's not really our sister.

Peter Brady:
So, these feelings are natural?

Greg Brady:
Damn you, tiki idol!

Mike Brady:
Hey, ask us the sex question.

Carol Brady:
Now that the kids are gone, the sex has never been better.

Alice Nelson:
I agree!

Tony Stark:
Who the hell are you?

Nick Fury:
Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.

Tony Stark:
In my house? In the middle of the night?

[Stark turns and sees behind him a man in a ski mask carrying a television set]

Tony Stark:
And who the hell are you?

[Awkward silence as Stark and Fury stare at the thief]

Nick Fury:
Run, stupid!

["Fury" charges Stark, knocking him down, and he and the thief take off through the front door with the television set]

[SpongeBob and Sandy are standing inside SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob SquarePants:
But how can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your... [gasps and then smiles] Oh you meant me!

Doug Goldstein:
[after dying and being reincarnated as Dougalot Bear] Holy f***ing ass crackers!

Boy Scout 1:
I feel sad.

Boy Scout 2:
Yeah, but at least were not gay.

Huggytime Bears:
[Enter Huggytime Bears] Maybe we can help!

[In Hell]

Satan:
[torturing people] HA ha ha ha ha ha ha! That will teach ya for voting for Nader! Ha ha ha!

[Hell freezes over]

Satan:
Huh? What the hell?

Nerd:
[singing] I got laid! I got laid! I got laid! Logging onto messenger, gonna tell the internet! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! L! A! Y! E! D! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID! LAID!

Woman:
What can I say? Nerds are hot! Mmmm... Hot.

Franklin D. Roosevelt:
The only thing we have to dear, is fear itself!

Audience member 1:
And spiders!

Franklin D. Roosevelt:
...Well yes. And spiders. That goes without saying...

Audience member 2:
And snakes!

Franklin D. Roosevelt:
Yes... snakes too.

Audience member 3:
And don't forget werewolves!

Franklin D. Roosevelt:
There is no such thing!

[Everyone starts to argue]

Franklin D. Roosevelt:
Okay! So the only thigns we have to fear are spiders, snakes, WEREWOLVES, sharks, dying alone, zombies, clowns, heights, big dogs, robots with human brains, Johnson's wife, AND fear itself!

Doug Goldstein:
[in purgatory] Huh? Where am I?

Buddah:
You're in purgatory, Doug. Spin the wheel of reincarnation!

Doug Goldstein:
[spots Keira Knightly's underwear on the wheel] Oh boy! I hope I land on Keira Knightly's underwear!

Buddah:
[sigh] Everyone wishes for that one.

Doug Goldstein:
[Awakes from the Huggytime Bear nightmare] NO!

Keira Knightly:
Oh my gosh, I shot you!

Doug Goldstein:
Keira Knightly?

Keira Knightly:
Shh... Don't worry about a thing. The paramedics will be here soon.

Doug Goldstein:
[chuckles] I was almost your underwear, you know.

Freddy Krueger:
If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true! HAHAHAHA! You get it? HAHAHAHA! A Dream? HAHAHAHA! I kill people in their nightmares, man. That's what I do, it's my thing!

Pinhead:
America did the right thing giving the call to Ghostface... Of course, I would have called my mom... [starts to cry] Today's her birthday!... I love you, Mom!

[shows Drew Barrymore at home making Popcorn. The phone starts to ring]

Drew Barrymore:
[picks up the phone] Hello?

Ghostface Killer:
I see you making popcorn...

Drew Barrymore:
Who is this?

Ghostface Killer:
I saw the Charlie's Angels sequel, THAT WAS A PIECE OF CRAP!

Drew Barrymore:
I'm hanging up!

Pinhead:
Although, I would have called my mum. [Tears up] Today's her birthday! Happy birthday, mum!

Soldier:
Sir! Who are we conquering today?

Napoleon Bonamite:
Whoever I feel like conquering! GOSH!

Chinese Waiter:
Hey Breckin Meyer!

Breckin Meyer:
Yes, Chinese restaurant guy?

Chinese Waiter:
Yeah, yeah. You ever see a Cat-Gopher?

Breckin Meyer:
Cat-Gopher? What's a Cat-Gopher?

Chinese Waiter:
Cat go for 6 dollar if I put enough MSG on it!

Breckin Meyer:
Heh heh... Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? I just spent an hour and fiftenn minutes in traffic getting here. Granted, it's in a Benz, but this is horseshit! No, f*** you! You know what? I'm going home, OK? You can kiss my ass! I was in Garfield, motherf***er!

Soldier:
Sir! We're bing outnumbered!

Napoleon Bonamite:
I was outnumbered by ninjas and wolverines over summer break, but I killed them all with my nunhchucks! GOSH! Idiots!

Kratos:
I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls!

Athena:
Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!

Kratos:
Uh, one of them's a dude...

Athena:
What's the problem? You're in Greece.

Kratos:
I am not sleeping with a dude!

Athena:
Surely you would at least let him watch, if I offered you one thousand blood orbs!

Kratos:
The Blades of Chaos are thirsty... I could not turn that down.

Athena:
Then let's make it fifteen hundred, and he gets to play with your balls!

Kratos:
Wha... What do you think I am?

Athena:
We already established what you are, now we're just negotiating!

Kratos:
Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.

Athena:
I'm just going to throw this out there: two thousand blood orbs, anything goes. [pause]

Kratos:
All right. [steps forward]

Kratos:
You're not going to watch, are you?

Athena:
Only as long as I need to.

Wonder Woman:
Wonder Girl? Huh, Wonder Girl. Let me tell you something about Batman, Ok? He's the same as the rest of these guys around here. They're afraid of women. They're afraid of the almighty uterus. Almighty uterus!

Aquaman:
Nobody seems to understand how useful I am, you know? I'm- I'm really capable. I can do lots of stuff, you know? Lots! I can do stuff like, um... like... like, I can... You know, I, uh... [sobbing]

Ryan Seacrest:
Welcome to another thrilling edition of Zombie Idol. Last week, America voted in record-shattering numbers. In fact, phone lines were jammed so badly, that major metropolitan areas temporarily lost 911 services. Hundreds died.

Ryan Seacrest:
It's time to meet our judges. Give it up for Frankenberry!

Frankenberry:
Yeah! Yeah, dawg. Yeah!

Ryan Seacrest:
Let's hear it for Booberry!

Booberry:
I hope our contestants just have fun and, you know, be themselves, and pretty, pretty space people... and a puppy.

Ryan Seacrest:
And last but certainly not least, please welcome Count Chocula.

Count Chocula:
Well, I certainly hope tonight's performances are better then last week's ghastly affair.

Ryan Seacrest:
Nice outfit. Isn't it gauche to wear brown after Labor Day?

Count Chocula:
I don't know, Ryan. Isn't it gauche to be a complete douchebag on national TV each week?

Ryan Seacrest:
Not when you're paid like me.

General Zod:
Kneel before Zod!

General Zod:
[Exercise music begins] Lay down on your back before Zod!

General Zod:
Now! Using your lower abdominals, raise your legs and hold on a five count before Zod!

General Zod:
One before Zod!

General Zod:
Two before Zod!

General Zod:
Three before Zod!

Lucky Charms Leprechaun:
I'll tell you the bleedin' boys were followin' me around and one little brasser say "We're after your charms!" So I says, "Forget about me blue diamonds and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" [Both laughs]

Stix Rabbit:
Oh yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.

Soundwave:
[talking to Michael Moore about his new job] I just try not to dwell on the past. I have a family to support now and... could you hold on a second, I have a customer. [transforms into a port-a-potty]

father:
When I drop a fairy, you know I am only getting *started*, motherf***er!

Scorpion:
Dude, relax, we made it, CHILL!

Frog:
Chill THIS, a**hole!

Charlie Brown:
[talking to Peppermint Patty and Marcie after Linus' funeral] This is different from the time we got lost in France. Or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude, with strong Christian overtones, won't save us this time.

Marcie:
Hold me, sir.

[Peppermint Patty and Marcie start kissing and making out]

Charlie Brown:
[angrily] I said strong Christian overtones!

Darth Vader:
Turn to the dark side, and join me.

Luke Skywalker:
I'll never join you! You killed my father!

Darth Vader:
No, Luke. I am your father!

Luke Skywalker:
That's not true!... That's impossible!

Darth Vader:
And Princess Leia is your sister!

Luke Skywalker:
That's not true! That's... impropable!

Darth Vader:
And the empire will be defeated by Ewoks!

Luke Skywalker:
That's... very unlikely.

Darth Vader:
And as a child, I built C-3PO!

Luke Skywalker:
...Huh?

[time passes]

Darth Vader:
And "the Force?" Well, that's just microscopic bateria in your bloodstream called "Midichlorians".

Luke Skywalker:
[smoking a cigarette] Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm out.

Butt-Head:
[about Starfire] That chick has orange b*obs!

Ivy from "The Village" (Bryce Howard):
Is anyone there? I come from a village where we think it's 1886. I've broken our taboo about entering the forest to find medicine for my fiancee. Hello?

[honking noise is heard. Ivy is run over by a bus, M. Night Shyamalan pulls up in a jeep]

Ivy from "The Village" (Bryce Howard):
That... that was a really weak twist.

M. Night Shyamalan:
Yeah, sorry bout that folks!

Random guy:
[in a "Sleepway Camp" parody] Oh, my God! Somebody remembered this movie and wrote a comedy sketch about it!

Soundwave:
Megatron, the ultimate death ray is almost complete!

Megatron:
Excellent, Soundwave. Now monitor their progress, by hiding in plain sight!

Megatron:
Soundwave hasn't reported back in days! Where could he be?

Shockwave:
Megatron! I think I found him! [points to the computer screen]

Megatron:
eBay?

Shockwave:
Requesting permission to buy it now.