Rome

[to Octavius]

Atia of the Julii:
You f***ed your sister! You little pervert!

[Vorenus wakes up to find his horse has been stolen]

Lucius Vorenus:
Fortune pisses on me once again!

Niobe:
[with admiration while helping Lucius put on his magistrate's toga] Look at you.

Titus Pullo:
You look like laundry.

Titus Pullo:
[wakes up during the night; sees Eirene approaching]

Titus Pullo:
[smiles]

Titus Pullo:
Eirene. It's good to see you.

[she puts a knife to his throat]

Titus Pullo:
[gasps, but doesn't fight her] Fair enough.

Titus Pullo:
[closes eyes]

[she presses in the knife, but hesitates]

Titus Pullo:
[peeks]

Titus Pullo:
Erm... i-if-if... If you can't do it... th-that's all right too.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
[evaluating his chances against Pompey's more numerous legions] Our men must win or die. Pompey's men have... other options.

Atia of the Julii:
[concerning Servilia's invitation] Why would she want to see me? She hates me!

Mark Antony:
So do I; that's no bar to friendship.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
He refuses to meet me!

Cassius:
Look now. Look at that.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
It is a chair. What of it?

Cassius:
A chair? It's a throne!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I believe thrones are generally more decorative. That is decidedly plain, and chair-like.

Lucius Vorenus:
THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!

Servilia of the Junii:
Gods of the Junii, with this offering I ask you to summon Tyche, Megaera, and Nemesis so that they may witness this curse. By the spirits of my ancestors I curse Gaius Julius Caesar. Let his penis shrink. Let his bones crack. Let him see his legionnaires drown in their own blood. Gods of the Junii, I offer to you his limbs, his mouth, his breath, his speech, his hands, his heart, his stomach. Gods of the Inferno, let me see him suffer deeply, and I will rejoice and sacrifice to you.

Atia of the Julii:
A large penis is always welcome!

Atia of the Julii:
[to Cleopatra] Die screaming, you pig spawn trollop.

Mark Antony:
I really think you should reconsider.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Anyone else, certainly. But those 2 - they found my golden standard and survived a storm that killed an army. Now they come face to face with Pompay Magnus. They have powerful Gods on their side. And I will never kill a man with such powerful friends.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
You shall leave this city. You shall go to your Eastern provinces, and you shall not come back.

Mark Antony:
Or else what, boy?

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
You shall leave this city or I will declare our alliance broken. I will have this sad story read in the forum, I will have it posted in every city in Italy, and you know the people are not so liberal with their wives as you. They shall say you wear cuckolds horns; they shall say your wife betrayed you with a low-born plebe on my staff. You will be a figure of fun. The proles will laugh at you in the street. Your soldiers will mock you behind your back. [Antony puts his hands around Octavians neck as if to strangle him] Go on, strike me. See what will happen. [Antony lets go and starts to leave] Oh, and Antony, if you find that gold, you'll be sure to tell me, won't you?

Cleopatra:
A man without sons is a man without a future.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I didn't know he existed until he didn't.

Titus Pullo:
It's as hot as Vulcan's dick.

Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa:
[to Octavia] I would go with you to Hades... to Britain even, if I thought we had the right.

Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa:
[trying to defend Octavia] The fault is mine. It was I who seduced her.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
You have many talents, Agrippa. Seduction is not one of them.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
You should know that when we are married, I shall on occasion beat you. With my hand... A light whip... When I do so you must not think you have offended me. I do it because it gives me sexual pleasure. So remember that and don't be upset.

Livia Drusilla:
Yes sir...

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
[pause] I think we should get along very well.

Timon's daughter:
[Timon & his family are on their way out of Rome, walking to Jerusalem] Papa, are we there yet?

Lucius Vorenus:
You heard what she said, she hates me!

Titus Pullo:
What's your question?

Lucius Vorenus:
How do I get her to stop hating me, obviously!

Titus Pullo:
That's not obvious! I thought you were making her hate you for a purpose.

Lucius Vorenus:
That was not my intent, why would I do that?

Titus Pullo:
I don't know. You're the clever one.

Atia of the Julii:
Pompeian scum at our very door! It's intolerable! If Timon and his men weren't here they'd be burning down the house!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Oh they're not *that* energetic.

Octavia of the Julii:
Mother I would rather it were not you who killed me. If you have no objections.

Atia of the Julii:
Why ever not? You can't still be angry with me!

Titus Pullo:
Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm, beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women'll say they don't like it, but they do. Makes them wet as October.

[Atia is considering commiting group suicide to avoid being raped and murdered by street thugs]

Atia of the Julii:
Castor, be sure to cut Octavia's throat before you cut mine!

Octavia of the Julii:
Please, Castor, let mother do it! I won't deny her one last pleasure. It would be undaughterly.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Vae, mother! You, you are blinded by untapped lust. I'll get you a good big Cyrenian at the market and have done with it!

[Vorenus unbuckles his sword belt]

Titus Pullo:
What are you doing?

Lucius Vorenus:
I've done my duty and I've sinned enough. I resign.

Titus Pullo:
That's desertion.

Lucius Vorenus:
[chuckles] I'm a traitor and a rebel. Why not a desertor as well?

[as they prepare to commit suicide]

Atia of the Julii:
Octavian, my honey, who would you rather killed you?

Gaius Octavian:
I'm old enough to take care of myself, mother.

Atia of the Julii:
Oh, that's my brave boy.

[Titus is giving Lucius marital advice]

Titus Pullo:
When you couple with her, there's a spot just above her cunny, it's like a little button. Now... attend to that button, and she will open up, like a flower.

Lucius Vorenus:
[aghast] How do you know this about her?

Titus Pullo:
*All* women have them! Ask anyone!

Lucius Vorenus:
It makes no sense. We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?

Titus Pullo:
Our boys scared 'em off, eh?

Lucius Vorenus:
Soldiers of the Republic do not run, so it must be a stratagem, a trick.

Titus Pullo:
It's a good trick.

Lucius Vorenus:
Unless the gods have abandoned Rome... If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace.

Titus Pullo:
Maybe he was havin' a crap and missed it.

Lucius Vorenus:
We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?

Titus Pullo:
Our boys scared 'em off, eh?

Lucius Vorenus:
The soldiers of the Republic do not run... so it must be a strategem or trick...

Titus Pullo:
Then it's a good trick!

Lucius Vorenus:
...unless the gods have abandoned Rome! If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace!

Titus Pullo:
Or maybe he's off having a crap, and missed it.

Lucius Vorenus:
It is that sort of disrespect that has brought us to this sad pass! If the gods are not respected, then why should they help us?

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
You should have no ill conscience. We did only what we had to do.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
No doubt Saturn said something of the sort after eating his children.

Titus Pullo:
[In a desert] Blood and fire! This is hot as Vulcan's dick!

Titus Pullo:
[about Princess Cleopatra] That Gyppo princess, now that's good cunny.

Lucius Vorenus:
Her father's people rode with Alexander, you can't speak of her like that.

Titus Pullo:
She is, though. And she wants me badly.

[Vorenus laughs]

Titus Pullo:
Should've seen her when I done that Nubian. Wet as October [sn*ggers]

Lucius Vorenus:
Pullo, look at me. She is a princess of royal blood. You touch her, you die.

Titus Pullo:
I'm not stupid. I'm just saying she wants me.

[Vorenus is commanded to see Cleopatra]

Charmian:
Majesty commands you will enter her.

Lucius Vorenus:
I do not understand.

Charmian:
You have coitus with her.

Lucius Vorenus:
[Aghast] You have it wrong. Coitus means to make babies!

Charmian:
Exact! So, make babies.

[Cleopatra spreads her legs in anticipation]

Charmian:
Don't be scared.

[the female slave starts to undress him]

Lucius Vorenus:
I'm not scared. I just cannot do what you ask. It is not... it is not in our custom. Roman men are not used by women in this way.

Charmian:
Come. You will enjoy it. My queen is an excellent lover.

[Cleopatra starts touching Vorenus with her foot, going from his chest to his crotch]

Charmian:
[Vorenus is in doubt. Then he mounts her, but hesitates and steps back]

Cleopatra:
What is he waiting for? He must do as he is told!

Charmian:
Let me give you a hand.

Lucius Vorenus:
[Shakes the slaves off of him] Get off! I must ask forgiveness of Your Majesty, but I cannot comply! I am no slave to be commanded so! With all respect...

Cleopatra:
He *refuses*? This... insect refuses *me*?

Charmian:
You dare refuse the daughter of a sun god?

[Vorenus turns around and storms out of Cleopatra's tent towards Pullo]

Lucius Vorenus:
Pullo, report immediately to Princess Cleopatra and do as she says!

Titus Pullo:
Eh?

Lucius Vorenus:
You heard!

Titus Pullo:
What's going on?

Lucius Vorenus:
Just go!

[after Pullo has been ordered to have sex with Cleopatra]

Titus Pullo:
[sighs] Gods, that was something...

Lucius Vorenus:
Don't want to know! If you value your life, you won't speak of it again.

Titus Pullo:
Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.

King Ptolemy XIII:
[presenting the head of Pompey Magnus] We were going to make him a body, with moving arms and legs, and do a mime show with real animals and everything, and...

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Silence!

[long, heavy silence]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Shame on the house of Ptolemy for such barbarity. Shame.

Pothinus:
But... you are enemies.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
[shouting] He was a consul of Rome!

[guards draw swords]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
A consul of Rome. To die in this sordid way - quartered like some low thief. Shame!

[after warning Cicero, Antony starts to leave the Senate house]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Antony?

Mark Antony:
Hmm?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
You said you had good news for us.

Mark Antony:
Oh, of course! How silly of me. A courier came from Alexandria. Caesar has lifted the siege and massacred the armies of Ptolemy. He is safe and sound, and master of all of Egypt.

[laughing]

Mark Antony:
The man is a damn prodigy, eh?

Pothinus:
That is not just.

Posca:
Post mortem interests of this type are legally entailed to the presiding consul, i.e. Gaius Julius Caesar. It's... law.

Pothinus:
Roman law.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Is there some other form of law, you wretched woman?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I have conquered Gaul. I have defeated Pompey Magnus. I can handle a small boy and a eunuch.

Mark Antony:
And Cicero, if I ever hear your name in connection with whispers of treachery again, I will cut off these soft, pink hands, and nail them to the Senate door.

Mark Antony:
I'm glad you are so confident; some might call it hubris

Gaius Julius Caesar:
It's only hubris if I fail

[Repeatedly stabs the Nubian; slows stabbing rate until he stops. Looks around at the two women]

Titus Pullo:
[Calmly] Hello, ladies.

Livia Drusilla:
Excuse me...

Atia of the Julii:
Yes?

Livia Drusilla:
Oh, I don't mind really, but it is I who should go first. You will find if you consult the priests, the wife takes precedence.

Atia of the Julii:
I don't give a f*** what the priests say. I'm not letting a vicious little trollop like you walk ahead of me!

[long pause]

Atia of the Julii:
I go first.

Atia of the Julii:
[to Livia] You are swearing now that some day... some day you will destroy me... Remember, far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go and look for them now.

[discussing Memmio]

Titus Pullo:
He offered me peace terms.

Lucius Vorenus:
And?

Titus Pullo:
I headbutted the c*nt, bit his tongue out.

Lucius Vorenus:
And he took that as a no?

[last lines of the series]

Caesarion:
So?

Titus Pullo:
He bought it.

Caesarion:
Brother Osiris, let me live to spit in his face and remind him of this day!

Titus Pullo:
Didn't I tell you there'd be no more of that blather?

Caesarion:
Blather? It's my sacred duty. By my blood, I will not rest until I have avenged my mother and redeemed my father's name.

Titus Pullo:
Listen, about your father...

Mark Antony:
[Antony and Vorenus are drunk on the eve of Octavian's assault on Cleopatra's palace] Do you believe there is an afterlife?

Lucius Vorenus:
Of course.

Mark Antony:
Well, there are people who say no. And this is all there is.

Lucius Vorenus:
Who says that?

Mark Antony:
Learned men. Greeks, probably.

Lucius Vorenus:
Greeks?

Mark Antony:
Hm.

Lucius Vorenus:
[leaning forward] Greeks talk a whole pile of nonsense.

Mark Antony:
F*** 'em.

Lucius Vorenus:
F*** 'em.

Gaius Octavian:
Something tells me you have something to say...

Atia of the Julii:
Yes, if there were to be a marriage between your two houses then all would know your alliance's strength.

[Antony looks at Octavian]

Mark Antony:
I don't care if all of Italy burns; I won't marry him!

[after watching Servilia commit suicide]

Mark Antony:
Now, *that* is an exit.

Titus Pullo:
You should leave her maybe. Seeing as she makes you so unhappy.

Lucius Vorenus:
No! No! I will not leave her! [slumps on the ground] I would rather die than leave her.

Titus Pullo:
[pulls Vorenus to his feet, holds him close] It's alright, lamb. It will be alright.

Titus Pullo:
[taking Octavian to be deflowered] Not to worry, young master. There's nothing to it.

Gaius Octavian:
If there's nothing to it then why is there such a fuss made of the thing?

Atia of the Julii:
You've put off this moment long enough, my dear.

Gaius Octavian:
Mother...

Atia of the Julii:
You *will* penetrate someone today, or I will burn your wretched books at the yard.

[Vorenus is discussing his marital problems with Pullo]

Lucius Vorenus:
I thought it was going well for a while, but now... [he takes a sip from his drink] Maybe I *should* beat her, do you think?

Titus Pullo:
Oh, I don't know. That only works if you keep at it.

[Both men laugh]

Titus Pullo:
A good thrashing once or twice a day till they're docile. But then they don't look so good. It'd be a shame to mark up a beauty like that.

[Pullo and Octavian are in a brothel selecting a prostitute for Octavian]

Madame:
[Showing an African prostitute] Something exotic, perhaps?

[Octavian keeps silent]

Madame:
[Showing a thin prostitute] Or else something young? Light, simple?

Titus Pullo:
A little bit skinny, innit? Won't know he's been, will he?

Atia of the Julii:
I've been thinking. We should get married.

Mark Antony:
Married? Why should we want to do that of all things?

Atia of the Julii:
Perhaps I love you.

Mark Antony:
Ah. You're joking. For a moment there, you had me worried.

Atia of the Julii:
Allied with my house you would have both coin and the nobility to make yourself king, if you wished it so.

Mark Antony:
And you would be queen.

Atia of the Julii:
I would be your loving and obedient wife.

Mark Antony:
Only if I were willing to desert a friend. A man of your own blood.

Atia of the Julii:
Too honorable for that, are you?

Mark Antony:
I like to appear so.

Atia of the Julii:
But I don't think you'd die for the sake of appearences.

Mark Antony:
Why not?

Atia of the Julii:
Well Caesar will die in any case, but you're far too clever to share his fate needlessly.

Mark Antony:
I had not realised until now... what a wicked old harpy you really are.

Titus Pullo:
[in a brothel] What's your price, then?

Madame:
One thousand.

Titus Pullo:
[swearing] I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers!

Madame:
We're not in Narbo, wherever that might be.

Titus Pullo:
All right, my dove, we'll pay, but the girl better f*** him like Helen of Troy with her arse on fire, or I'll know the reason why!

Mark Antony:
I shall be a good politician, even if it kills me. Or if it kills anyone else for that matter.

[Pullo is waiting for Octavian in the lobby of the exclusive brothel]

Titus Pullo:
Nice place, this. Clean.

[pause]

Titus Pullo:
I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality...

Madame:
Not a chance!

[Pullo enters the exclusive brothel]

Madame:
Get out! Go on, this ain't no infantry f***hole!

Titus Pullo:
Calm down, love. It's not for me, it's the young master we're here for.

[Octavian follows him in]

Madame:
Oh, my apologies. Welcome, young master, we'd be honored to serve you. And what is the young master's pleasure today?

[Octavian is silent]

Titus Pullo:
[whispering] First-timer. Nothing too savory.

Lucius Vorenus:
[on ship, in a storm]... a perfectly acceptable sacrifice wsa made to Triton!

Titus Pullo:
[shouting thru the storm] Well, if Triton thinks that this is fine weather, he can SUCK MY COCK!

[the mainmast of the ship breaks]

Lucius Vorenus:
Pullo, when will you ever learn to keep your f***ing mouth shut!

Mark Antony:
Frankly, I do not care whether it is the rich, poor, or indeed both that suffer. Caesar wishes this law to be made. He is my friend, I will have it made.

Mark Antony:
Poppaea, my dove, if your husband should die... come to me, we'll marry, nay?

Lucius Vorenus:
[to his men] These are my daughters, redeemed from slavery. The eldest has been prostituted, the boy is my wife's child by another man. You will treat them with respect and kindness! Or I will know the reason why.

Lucius Vorenus:
The republic should remain as it was at the founding of the republic, why should that change?

Gaius Octavian:
Because the Roman people are suffering, because slaves have taken all the work, because nobles have taken all the land, and because the streets are filled with the homeless and the starving.

Gaius Octavian:
They say that Caesar is a war criminal, and that he intends to march his army on Rome.

Lucius Vorenus:
That is sacrilege; no man of honour would follow him.

Titus Pullo:
Well I'm no man of honour then... cause I say Caesar should ride in here! With *elephants* - and squash Pompey *and* Cato *and* anyone else that wants it. That's what I say!

Lucius Vorenus:
That is because you govern your reason no better then you govern your tongue.

Titus Pullo:
Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and f*** every whore in the city.

Lucius Vorenus:
Show some dignity. You're under the standard.

Titus Pullo:
Well, talk to him! [Points toward Marc Anthony, who is having sex in uniform with a young girl alongside the road]

Lucius Vorenus:
He's not... under the standard.

Titus Pullo:
Three hours away from a wife he hasn't seen in eight years. The man's terrified.

Gaius Octavian:
Surely a reunion is a happy event.

Lucius Vorenus:
Talk of something else!

Titus Pullo:
What if she's lost her teeth? What if she's got skinny, or if she's been letting other men get between her legs?

Lucius Vorenus:
Silence!

Niobe:
I don't want people dying in my house!

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Soldiers! Pompey and the Senate have formally declared that Gaius Julius Caesar is an enemy of Rome. They have declared that I am a criminal. They have declared, in effect, that all of you *also* are criminals. Tribune's veto was not exercised. People's tribune Mark Antony and 50 men of the 13th were assaulted by 1000 head of Pompeian scum! A tribune of the plebs assaulted on the steps of the senate house. Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilege? Our beloved republic is in the hands of madmen. This is indeed a dark day, and I stand at a fork in the road. I can surrender my arms, in accordance with the law and watch Rome fall to tyranny and chaos. Or, I can return home *with my sword in my hand* and run these maniacs to the Tarpeian rock!

Atia of the Julii:
You. Leave this house this moment.

Glabius:
I will not! Octavia's my rightful wife.

Atia of the Julii:
You defy Caesar?

Glabius:
A fig for Caesar!

Atia of the Julii:
By the five Furies, if I was not a gentle woman, I would have you flayed, and hung from a bracket at the door!

Titus Pullo:
[giving Vorenus advice on pleasing women] Oh yes, and right above her cunny, there's a button. Pay attention to that button and she'll go wild.

Lucius Vorenus:
[horrified] How do you know this of her?

Titus Pullo:
They ALL have it. Ask anyone.

[Niobe brings a cup of mulled wine to the recovering Pullo]

Niobe:
Here, I put in extra nutmeg, like you like.

Titus Pullo:
Oh, marry me, divine goddess!

Niobe:
What, a porcine object like you? Besides, I'm already wed... thanks be to evil spirits.

Titus Pullo:
You're wrong, friend wife. He's a good man, your man.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
All these years together and it still surprises you I can tie my sandals.

Servilia of the Junii:
So you see the tyrant is dead, the republic is restored and you are alone. Would you like some honey water?

[Forcing Brutus to raise his hand]

Cassius:
Thus always for tyrants!

Lucius Vorenus:
Where is he?

Niobe:
Who?

Lucius Vorenus:
Your son!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
If we are to reckon with Caesar on the senate floor then we will have to reckon with Lucius Vorenus also.

Quintus Pompey:
Kill him too, what does it matter?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
He's a popular man!

Quintus Pompey:
So? I'll kill him.

Servilia of the Junii:
It is most important that we keep the people on our side - killing one of their heroes would mess the whole business. Only the tyrant dies!

Quintus Pompey:
Then let's kill him in his bed! He doesn't sleep with this man does he?

Casca:
What about bloody Lucius Vorenus?

Quintus Pompey:
Lucius Vorenus is a son of a whore!

Marcus Junius Brutus:
And you know him personally, it seems.

Quintus Pompey:
I know him.

[On assassinating Caesar]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Gentlemen this is not some cheap murder! It is an honourable thing we do here. It must be done by ourselves, in the senate, on the senate floor, with our own hands... With my hand.

[a wounded Pullo explains why he came back to Rome]

Lucius Vorenus:
"Women," he says. If you took a woman now, you'd come apart like an old sack!

Titus Pullo:
[laughs, then winces] Ow...

Mark Antony:
[to a panicky Brutus, after the eulogies at Caesar's funeral] Nice speech. Possibly a bit technical for that audience.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
He's here, in your hands. I'm merely stating the facts. I do not urge you to any particular course of action.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Nor will I take the course you do not urge.

Gaius Octavian:
You heard what Servilia said, she wants you to run away.

Atia of the Julii:
More fool her, she'll have to find me first.

Gaius Octavian:
She will find you; you have no talent for hiding.

Gaius Octavian:
Mother, I must stay in Rome.

Atia of the Julii:
Eh?

Gaius Octavian:
I must stay in Rome. I am Caesar's son. I must protect my legal rights.

Mark Antony:
There's blood? Quite the little Spartan.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Mark Antony... the dog is dead I hope.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
He is not.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Mark Antony is alive? An error! I believe, a great error...

Marcus Junius Brutus:
We are senators, not hired thugs...

[Short pause]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Kill him yourself.

[Servilia comes to play respects to Caesar's body]

Calpurnia:
Show her what she's done.

Titus Pullo:
[Pullo asks about the whereabouts of Vorenus' children] Tell him. If they're not harmed, you may yet live.

Erastes:
Oh, you think so?

Erastes:
I took your children in payment for your many slights to me. I f***ed them. Then I killed them. And then I threw them in the river.

Lucius Vorenus:
Aaaargh! [chopps Erastes Fulmens head off]

Titus Pullo:
[Referring to Caesar's death] Sorry about your uncle.

Gaius Octavian:
I am made his son by will.

Titus Pullo:
Oh... [hesitates] Congratulations?

[On the morning of Caesar's funeral, Mark Anthony is still lying in bed]

Mark Antony:
I don't think I ever f***ed a woman in a funeral dress before.

Atia of the Julii:
Nor shall you now.

Mark Antony:
Now that's a shame. It'll have to be Merula, then [referring to Atia's elderly servant, who looks up startled]. Come here, old girl. Jump on! [pats his crotch]

Atia of the Julii:
She'd eat you alive. Come on, this is no morning for foolery. Just get up.

Mark Antony:
[Grabs her arm and pulls her towards him] Aw, come here!

Atia of the Julii:
[Struggles free] Stop fooling around and just get up!

Mark Antony:
I am not rising from this bed until I've f***ed someone!

Atia of the Julii:
Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
My poor boy.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Not at all. It is I who am sorry. I presented you with an impossible dilemma. You did only what you thought honourable.

Pompey Magnus:
Why so melancholy, Brutus?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Oh, do I seem so?

Pompey Magnus:
Mmm.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Forgive me. No, Caesar's defeat is a blessing. We cannot endure tyrants. But I cannot celebrate it. Caesar was as my father to me.

Porcius Cato:
I feel for you. When do we strike?

[Vorenus and Pullo are stranded on an uninhabited island. Pullo tries to catch a fish with his spear]

Lucius Vorenus:
Wasting your time! We'll die of thirst long before we die of hunger.

Titus Pullo:
We could drink their blood. [Pointing at the corpses of other soldiers lying on the beach]

Lucius Vorenus:
Repeat?

Titus Pullo:
All these dead men, we could drink their blood.

Lucius Vorenus:
Too salty. Only makes you more thirsty. Putrid by now, anyway.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I ought to have you scourged and crucified! In the future, you will remember that it is *I* that offers mercy. No one else. Clear?

Lucius Vorenus:
Clear, sir.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Dismissed!

[Vorenus and Pullo salute and leave]

Mark Antony:
I do not like to disagree with you, but you are being far too lenient with him. He let Pompey go, and you let him live? The man should be made an example of!

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Any other man, certainly. But those two... They found my stolen standard. Now they survive a wreck that drowned an army and find Pompey Magnus on a beach. They have powerful gods on their side, and I will not kill any man with friends of that sort.

[after their defeat at Pharsalus, Cato and Scipio says they must escape and rally fresh troops]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Might one ask where?

Porcius Cato:
Africa. We must rally the cities of Africa!

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
[bitter chuckle] Africa? Dear gods, we are fast running out of continents.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
And coin! We have taxed every last coin from Greece and spent it all! What shall we use to buy Africa's loyalty? Seashells?

Porcius Cato:
We need buy nothing! We are the Senate of Rome...!

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
We are old men with mud on our shoes!

[while Antony and Caesar are poring over the map, Posca brings in shaving water]

Posca:
It's ready. [no response from Caesar] Maps never redraw themselves, if that's what you're waiting for.

[Caesar orders the army to prepare for battle]

Posca:
We are outnumbered three to one on foot and five to one on horse. What uninjured men you have are scared and hungry and desperate.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
That is the advantage we must press home.

Posca:
I was not aware that irony had military usage.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
We must win or die. Pompey's men have other options.

[after Brutus announces that he plans to go with Cicero]

Porcius Cato:
Without the force of your name, the cause of the Re...

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Do not! Do not talk to me of the Republic! If I had known what wretched company and rotten food I would endure, if I had known what an old fool is Pompey, I would never have left Rome...!

[He realizes Pompey is standing behind him]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Forgive my anger. I'm not myself.

Pompey Magnus:
Think nothing of it. I merit your disappointment.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
You may fight on as you wish. As for me, I will go from here and surrender myself to Caesar.

Porcius Cato:
Have you no dignity? No honor?

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Some little, I hope. Not as much as you, of course.

Scipio:
Caesar will kill you.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
That may be. I'm not afraid to die... I'm tired. I want to go home.

[Posca prepares to shave his master]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Try to avoid bloodshed this time.

Posca:
Wait a day or two, and Pompey can shave you instead.

[Vorenus and Pullo are stranded on an island, awaiting their death]

Titus Pullo:
I don't understand it. Something should've turned up by now. I am not meant to die this way.

Lucius Vorenus:
You were misinformed.

Titus Pullo:
Doesn't seem right.

[pause]

Titus Pullo:
Still... be good to see my mother again. Do you think they have a system, for finding people?

Lucius Vorenus:
What?

Titus Pullo:
In the afterlife? I mean, how do you-how do you go 'bout finding people? There must be millions.

Lucius Vorenus:
There must be.

Titus Pullo:
[pause] She wouldn't recognise me, probably. I was very young when she died.

[Another pause, as Vorenus shivers from the cold]

Titus Pullo:
[sn*ggers] Probably give her a big scare though, huh? Big ugly brute coming along and giving her a hug.

[after the rout at Pharsalus, an officer finds Pompey sitting with his back against a tree]

Officer:
Sir! Caesar's men are coming!

Pompey Magnus:
[absently] I've cut my hand.

Officer:
We should go, sir!

Pompey Magnus:
It's not deep, but it hurts.

Officer:
They will kill you, sir!

Pompey Magnus:
It's of no consequence.

[last lines; Pompey arrives on the beach in Alexandria]

Lucius Septimius:
Sir! You probably don't remember me. Lucius Septimius. Centurion, Fourth Cohort in Spain.

Pompey Magnus:
Lucius Septimius, of course, of course. Well, what are you doing here?

Lucius Septimius:
Working for the gyppos, sir. It's not the legions, but one must earn's one's salt.

Pompey Magnus:
Indeed he must. Well, onward, friend.

[He reaches out and takes Septimius's hand. Septimius seizes it and stabs Pompey in the chest. Pompey gasps]

Lucius Septimius:
[whispering] I'm sorry, sir.

[He steps back and chops Pompey's head off]

Soldier:
[as Brutus and Cicero approach Caesar's camp with the intention of surrendering] Halt, in the name of Rome!

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Calls himself Rome now, does he? Shameless.

Soldier:
Who are you? What's your purpose?

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
We are Rome, boy, what's left of it.

Lucius Vorenus:
Surely Pompey had Caesar at greater disadvantage.

Pompey Magnus:
He did... he did. It didn't seem possible to lose. That's always a bad sign.

Pompey Magnus:
[Pompey begins to use a stick to draw the battlefield in the dirt] The battlefield was on a plain by a river at the foot of some low hills. Like this, you see. The lines met here. My men held their ground well, so I sent my horses at his right flank. Which is perfectly correct, you'll agree.

Lucius Vorenus:
I do.

Pompey Magnus:
Only the cowards were repulsed. Repulsed by a single cohort of reserves. Turned and fled, 200 horses. Crashed directly into my left flank. Rolled up my line like a carpet. Put the whole damn army to flight. And here I am. That's how Pompey Magnus was defeated. That's how the Republic died.

[Right before Octavian and others go riding out to meet Brutus/Cassius' legions]

Atia of the Julii:
Octavian please, for my sake, be good to Anthony.

Gaius Octavian:
[annoyed] I am pledged to it, mother.

Atia of the Julii:
He's an arrogant sh*t, I know, but he's a good and honest man

[Pullo shows up to Cicero's villa to assassinate him]

Titus Pullo:
So you Cicero, then?

[Cicero turns slowly]

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
What is your name, young man?

Titus Pullo:
Titus Pullo, sir. Late of the Thirteenth.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Ah, the famous Titus Pullo. I'm honoured.

Titus Pullo:
Likewise, honoured. Talk about famous. Everyone's heard of Cicero.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
[Smiles] Yes. I daresay, your work today will earn you immortality.

Titus Pullo:
How's that?

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
I will be in all the history books. My killer's name, no doubt, will live on also.

Titus Pullo:
[Slightly disappointed] Ah, my name... thought you meant me. [He looks aside] Good peaches! [Walks over to the peach tree]

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Yes, just getting ripe. Thee's no way... I can dissuade you from your task, I suppose? I have a great deal of money.

Titus Pullo:
No, sorry. Normally, I'd be tempted, but you're far too important. Imagine the fuss: I get back and I haven't done my job.

Mark Antony:
[just after the battle] Breathe deep boy, the smell of victory!

Gaius Octavian:
Smoke, sh*t and rotting flesh.

Mark Antony:
Beautiful, isn't it!

Gaius Octavian:
[as the battle goes on] What is happening? Can you tell?

Mark Antony:
[munching a loaf of bread] No idea.

[drops the loaf and draws his sword]

Mark Antony:
On my command... follow me!

Gaius Octavian:
Where are you going?

Mark Antony:
When in doubt... attack!

[after leading their reserve in an attack, Cassius is brought back to the headquarters on a stretcher, mortally wounded]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Cassius, what happened?

Cassius:
Not sure, to be honest. Hell of a birthday...

[after the battle is lost, Brutus decides to go down fighting]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Give my best to my mother. Tell her... tell her something suitable.

[On the field of Philippi, shortly before the battle begins]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Heavens, I entirely forgot! Today's your birthday, isn't it?

Cassius:
Is it? I believe you're right.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
[shaking Cassius' hand] Happy Birthday. Sorry there's no cake.

Cassius:
Next year, eh? You bake me an extra big one.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I shan't forget.

Cassius:
No cinnamon. Makes me sneeze.

[On the other side of the battlefield]

Mark Antony:
If you need to urinate, now would be the time.

Gaius Octavian:
I'm fine, thank you.

Mark Antony:
Sure? Let us begin then. Watch closely, boy. This is how history is made. [raising his hand] Now, let's have some fun!

[He gives the signal to advance]

Antony's Centurion:
ADVANCE!

[On the other side:
]

Cassius:
[raises his hand, then hesitates] Sorry, rude of me. Would you like the honor?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
No no, you do it by all means.

Cassius:
Thank you. [gives the signal to advance]

Cassius's Centurion:
ADVANCE!

[Cicero kneels. Pullo draws his sword and stands over him, then hesitates and turns to Tiro]

Titus Pullo:
You might not want to watch this.

[from the trailer]

Lucius Vorenus:
My name is Lucius Vorenus, and the Aventine is now mine.

Mark Antony:
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Atia of the Julii:
Wake up! Wake up at once! What is the meaning of this!

Gaius Octavian:
What?

Atia of the Julii:
The money! You've given the plebs their money!

Gaius Octavian:
Is it so late already! I overslept

Atia of the Julii:
I don't care! What about the money?

Gaius Octavian:
I've promised it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before now, I knew you'd object. I've decided to enter public life, and it seem as a best way to introduce myself to the people

Mark Antony:
That would be seen, as a direct challenge to ME!

Gaius Octavian:
Yes, but that is not my intention at all. I suggest we make a public display of unity, to call such notions

Mark Antony:
A public display of unity? But you...

Gaius Octavian:
It makes sense. Our interests are conjoined, while you're a consul, my name, will lend weight to yours, and when your consulship is over and you retire from politics as you have promised, I will step in as leader of the Cesarion party

Mark Antony:
I see.

Gaius Octavian:
You will need protection from your enemies in the senate and I can provide that.

Mark Antony:
[he angrily charges and grabs Octavian by the ears] WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Gaius Octavian:
[fighting back] I'm Caesar's rightful heir!

Atia of the Julii:
[holds Antony back] Would you stay calm! He doesn't have the money, so he can't give it away can he? This is all just childish talk.

Gaius Octavian:
The money is legally mine! I was able to borrow against it!

Atia of the Julii:
Borrow? How much did you borrow?

Gaius Octavian:
It's not so much in the great scheme of things.

Mark Antony:
[getting angrier] How much?

Gaius Octavian:
Three million Sestertii! [Atia gasps hysterically]

Mark Antony:
Oh, Juno's... C*NT!

Atia of the Julii:
What sort of woman is she?

Mark Antony:
Who?

Atia of the Julii:
The Egyptian girl.

Mark Antony:
Oh her... barely met her. Skinny thing. Talks too much.

Atia of the Julii:
Well, she must have something. To lure a cold fish like Caesar.

Mark Antony:
She's a Queen. Caesar would have f***ed Medusa if she'd worn a crown.

[after almost killig Octavian]

Mark Antony:
You're lucky you're still breathing, boy! Do you here me? You're lucky you're still breathing!

Octavia of the Julii:
ANIMAL!

Gaius Octavian:
You're unfit to lead Rome!

[to Atia after Antony and Atia threaten him]

Gaius Octavian:
F***ing whore!

Atia of the Julii:
[to Cleopatra, whispering] Die screaming, you pig spawned trollop.

[Antony is trying to menace Cicero]

Mark Antony:
Are you not intimidated?

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
You cannot afford to kill me, you need me to run the Senate.

Mark Antony:
*Today* I need you. Tomorrow...

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
Then tomorrow I will worry.

Lucius Vorenus:
Those who will not do business with me are my enemies.

Gaius Ignis Acerbo:
And?

Lucius Vorenus:
And they will die sooner than they think.

[the Aventine captains start to their feet]

Memmio:
Remember blessed Concord!

[he gestures to the statue of the goddess]

Memmio:
No menaces.

Lucius Vorenus:
[derisively] Concord!

[he walks slowly to the statue, then grabs it and smashes it against the wall]

Lucius Vorenus:
I am the son of Hades! I f*** Concord in her ARSE!

Mark Antony:
Running this damn city isn't nearly as amusing as I thought it would be.

Gaius Octavian:
I dare say I can kill a man, so long as he's not fighting back.

Titus Pullo:
Priests, crooks many of them. I just talk directly to whatever god I'm doing business with. Bugger the priests.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
You're a thief - a foolish, incompetent thief. But you have served us well in the past so we will pretend your foolishness is a species of honesty and let you go unpunished. In fact, I think we should reward you. I do not like to quarrel with fortune and clearly she's taken you for a pet. [to Marc Antony] When you find the trove, give him a hundred gold pieces.

Titus Pullo:
Thank you, Sir.

Mark Antony:
As you wish.

[after being told how many of Antony's army is dead]

Posca:
Eight thousand!

Mark Antony:
Oh do cheer up; you're still alive, aren't you?

Posca:
I do hope so. If this is the afterlife is it extremely disappointing!

Mark Antony:
The ram has touched the wall, no mercy.

Lucius Vorenus:
Pullo you have no talent for peace.

Titus Pullo:
Maybe I won't go back to camp. My time's nearly done anyway.

Lucius Vorenus:
Leave the 13th? Why?

Titus Pullo:
[hesitates] You did.

Lucius Vorenus:
You're not me, you've no talent for peace.

Mark Antony:
[about Pompey Magnus] He'll suck Posca's cock, if asked nicely.

Titus Pullo:
I've seen you kill. There's plenty of soldier in you.

Gaius Octavian:
It's not the killing. It is the waving about of swords I find tedious. I dare say I can kill people readily enough, as long as they're not fighting back.

Servilia of the Junii:
Gods of the Junii, with this offering I ask you to summon Tyche, Megaera and Nemesis, so that they witness this curse. By the spirits of my ancestors, I curse Gaius Julius Caesar. Let his penis wither. Let his bones crack. Let him see his legions drown in their own blood. Gods of the inferno, I offer to you his limbs, his head, his mouth, his breath, his speech, his hands, his liver, his heart, his stomach. Gods of the inferno, let me see him suffer deeply, and I will rejoice and sacrifice to you. [Long pause] By the spirits of my ancestors, I curse Atia of the Julii. Let dogs rape her. Let her children die and her houses burn. Let her live a long life of bitter misery and shame. Gods of the inferno, I offer to you her limbs, her head, her mouth, her breath, her speech, her heart, her liver, her stomach. Gods of the inferno, let me see her suffer deeply, and I will rejoice and sacrifice to you.

[Pullo and Octavian are interrogating Evander]

Gaius Octavian:
Evander, move forward. Your life is over. The only question is, how do you want to die?

[Evander hesitates, but keeps silent]

Gaius Octavian:
We need to hear the truth. If you persist in lying to us, we'll torture you. You'll die only after many hours of agony and horror. You give us honesty now, and you'll go swiftly, painlessly.

Evander Pulchio:
Please!

Gaius Octavian:
Evander, tell the truth.

[Evander hesitates, but keeps silent]

Gaius Octavian:
Torture him.

Titus Pullo:
Juno's a c*nt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you!

Gaius Octavian:
Go on, then.

Titus Pullo:
[Hesitates] I've never actually tortured anyone. I don't know how.

Gaius Octavian:
You don't know how?

Titus Pullo:
They have specialists!

Gaius Octavian:
Why not cut of his thumbs?

Titus Pullo:
That's good enough. It's a start.

[On Caesar and Servilia's affair]

Gaius Octavian:
Calm yourself, mother. You're over-reacting. Who cares who he beds, it is trivial.

Atia of the Julii:
You take after your father, simple as milk - and it isn't "trivial", if Caesar were not in bed with that witch he'd be chasing down Pompey - they republic is at stake!

Gaius Octavian:
Since when do *you* care about the republic?

Atia of the Julii:
I care *deeply* about the republic.

Gaius Octavian:
It would not be wise to interfere with this...

Atia of the Julii:
Of course! It doesn't matter away; affairs like these tend to ruin themselves anyway.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
They say slaves talk of bravery as fish talk of flying.

Posca:
They say that, do they? How very witty of them.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
They say slaves talk of bravery as fish talk of flying.

Mark Antony:
They say that; do they? How very witty of them.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
This is absurd. I have no soldiery stuff in me, and this exertion brings on a fever. I feel it in my spleen.

Titus Pullo:
You're just not used to it. It takes time. I've seen you kill. There's plenty of soldier in you.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
It's not the killing. It's the waving about of swords I find tedious. I dare say I can kill people readily enough as long as they're not fighting back.

Titus Pullo:
Never fear young Dominus. We'll make a regular terror of you.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
At best I'll be a middling swordsman.

Titus Pullo:
It's better than nothing.

Gaius Octavian Caesar:
There you are wrong. The graveyards are full of middling swordsmen. Best not to be a swordsman at all than a middling swordsman.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
You'll remain here with the 13th to keep the peace.

Mark Antony:
Keep the peace?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
The city will be in your charge. I'll leave Posca to assist you.

Mark Antony:
That's ridiculous. I'm a soldier, not a peacekeeper.

Mark Antony:
Poor sad wretch gives everything you ask for. The Senate will ratify your status. You get your triumph, stand for consul, and Pompey will retire to Spain. He'd suck Posca's cock if you asked him to.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Too generous by far. I never thought Pompey would accept such terms.

Mark Antony:
You think it's a strategem?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I doubt it. He and what few forces he has are trapped and grow weaker by the day. We might crush him at will. But now that he has offered truce, I would look like the worst sort of tyrant if I attack him. Posca here thinks I should accept. Make peace.

Mark Antony:
In exchange for what?

Posca:
Peace is its own reward.

Mark Antony:
Snivelry! The ram has touched the wall! No mercy!

Posca:
Pompey has no great army, but he has the Senate with him. He has legitimacy.

Mark Antony:
In Rome they are the Senate. Beyond these walls they're just three hundred old men.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
As you say Anthony. But others will agree with Posca. They have made this shameful surrender public. It will be read throughout Italy. If I am not a tyrant. If I merely seek legitimacy then why would I not accept such favorable terms?

Posca:
[Perusing Pompey's surrender] He refuses to meet us in person?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
[thinking] Very good. Simple. Hoi polloi can understand a reason like that. He refuses to meet me face to face, man to man. [in mock anger] He refuses to meet me!

Mark Antony:
[laughing] Right. That's it. No truce. Let's be after him. [begins to leave]

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Patience. He's well caught. We'll leave when the time is right.

Mark Antony:
When?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
When the time is right.

Mark Antony:
But we should have left Rome long ago. The apple is ripe for plucking and we sit here doing nothing?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Pompey's not an apple. And I am not a farmer.

Mascius:
You and Pullo are like Castor and Pollux.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I don't think I can take another one of Cicero's eulogies.

Mark Antony:
He praises you so long and high one might think he was being sincere.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
The plebs love to see the betters fight. It's cheaper than theatre and the blood is real.

Cassius:
The people will not accept a tyrant's death unless a Brutus holds the knife.

Gaius Octavian:
Did you? Did you have him killed?

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I didn't even know he existed, until he no longer did.

Mascius:
What are you doing here? I thought you said Pullo is dead to you.

Lucius Vorenus:
He will be dead to all soon.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
You know I've always looked upon you as a son.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Oh dear, one of those conversations.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Had you told me you were to march on Rome, and asked me for my allegiance, I would have given it. I would have judged you insane, but I would have given you my allegiance because I look on you as my father. But you did not ask me for my allegiance. You demanded it at sword point. *I* betrayed nothing.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
I trust you completely.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
So much so that you would send me from Rome to govern Macedonia. Well. Thank you, I am honored, but I will not go.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
It is in my legal power to insist that you do go.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
As my father. As my father I looked on you!

Gaius Julius Caesar:
For a year or so, no more. Until the city's stable.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
[near tears] Forgive me. I feel unwell. Perhaps we can finish this game another time.

Gaius Julius Caesar:
Be reasonable! You're on every wall with a knife at my throat! It would be foolish to ignore it.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Only tyrants need worry about tyrant killers.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Mother... I owe Caesar no more friendship. I must do my duty.

Mark Antony:
Your mother is a vicious and heartless creature. But I find I am wretched without her.

[Upon seeing graffiti depicting him, literally, stabbing Caesar in the back]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
[to a slave] Erase that.

[Cassius appears]

Cassius:
I don't know why you're bothering, it's on every wall, every hill in the city... I wouldn't worry too much about scribbles on the wall, Brutus. King Caesar knows you're his loyal friend.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Oh I'm not worried about that, it's just... Do I really look like that?

Cassius:
It's near.

[Short pause]

Marcus Junius Brutus:
But that's tragic.

Titus Pullo:
Don't you talk the thirteenth!

[In his cell, awaiting execution, Pullo catches a single cockroach and holds it up to the sky]

Titus Pullo:
Janus, Gaia and Dis, I humbly beg you accept this creature as my offering, and if it pleases you, I ask you to give Eirene long life... and same for my friend Lucius Vorenus and his family, if it's not too much. And let Eirene know, I'm sorry for what I did. [crushes the cockroach]

[Marched into the arena, Pullo tosses down his sword and sits on the sand. The crowd boos]

Gladiator #1:
Stand up and fight!

Titus Pullo:
I don't want to.

Gladiator #1:
That's not how it works. You're supposed to resist.

Titus Pullo:
Not if I don't want to. I just want to die, all right? So go ahead and kill me and be done with it.

Gladiator #2:
Bollocks! [pokes Pullo with his spear] Move!

Gladiator #1:
What's wrong with you? Where's your dignity?

[No response]

Gladiator #2:
Hey, soldier, wake up! Why don't you come here and suck my cock?

[No response]

Gladiator #1:
Look, just hold your sword. Just stand up and hold it, that's all, you don't have to run about or anything.

Gladiator #2:
You're naught but a bloody molly! You and the whole Thirteenth! Naught but bloody mollys!

Titus Pullo:
[looks up] Don't talk the Thirteenth.

Gladiator #2:
Eh? [laughs] I piss on the Thirteenth!

Gladiator #1:
[laughing] Pigspawn, all of them.

[Picking up on the theme, the crowd laughs derisively]

Gladiator #2:
Why don't you and the whole Thirteenth all line up and suck my...?

[Pullo grabs his spear and goes berserk]

Mark Antony:
Lucius Vorenus! You have a brain! Or so the tribune's say...

Servilia of the Junii:
How is Caesar?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Who?

Servilia of the Junii:
Don't be cruel. Is he well? Did he speak of me?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Did he? I can't recall. I think not. He did write you a letter though.

Servilia of the Junii:
Oh you beast.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Of course, you have to imagine, long hair down to here, huge moustasches, the most terriffic stench, they eat only raw meat and never wash. Though they do have one admirable custom, they settle their political disputes by a single combat to the death.

Pompey Magnus:
Excellent idea.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Isn't it? Mother is always nagging me to attend politics.

Servilia of the Junii:
Well it's been our family's tradition and duty for, uhm, five hundred years?

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Oh it's such dreadfully dull stuff. Now you see, if our senate conducted business in the German style I should certainly go and watch. Yeah, no tedious laws and endless debates, just swords, and daggers...

Gaius Octavian:
I am Gaius Octavian of the Julii. Great nephew of Julius Caesar.

Titus Pullo:
Gaius who?

Gaius Octavian:
I am a Roman citizen of noble birth. And I order you to cut these ropes.

Titus Pullo:
Say please.

Gaius Octavian:
Please.

Lucius Vorenus:
Pullo, when was the last time you were with a woman who wasn't crying or wanting payment?

Lucius Vorenus:
Do you think of *nothing* but women?

Titus Pullo:
What else is there?

[he thinks]

Titus Pullo:
Food, I s'pose.

Marcus Tullius Cicero:
When confronted by a hungry wolf, it is unwise to goad the beast, as Cato would have us do. But it is equally unwise to imagine the snarling animal a friend and offer your hand, as Pompey does.

Pompey Magnus:
Perhaps you would have us climb a tree!

Titus Pullo:
Me, I have simpler tastes. I like to kill my enemies, take their gold and enjoy their women.

Mark Antony:
[At Lucius Vorenus entering the tent] Ah, you've got brains, right?

Clerk:
These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero: When I was a young man, I defended the State. As an old man, I shall not abandon it. I give sincere thanks to Mark Antony, who has generously presented me with the most promising theme imaginable. I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you... as if you... [sees something offensive in the scroll]

Mark Antony:
Go on...

Clerk:
...please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent, and not a drink-sodden, sex-addled wreck. [the Senators stand and begin to leave]

Clerk:
You are certainly not without accomplishments: it is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then... but then...

Mark Antony:
[fuming] Go on... GO ON!

Clerk:
...a woman's role has always suited you best. [Antony screams in anger and beats the clerk to death with the scroll and looks that the Senate Hall is empty]

Servilia of the Junii:
He has fire in him. It warms me.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
Light more lamps if you are cold!

Atia of the Julii:
[to Octavia] My poor little grump. Oh, I didn't realize until now how much I missed your gloomy presence around the place.

Marcus Junius Brutus:
I assure you mother; I am not proud of myself. Not proud at all. In lieu of a noble suicide you shall have to be content with that.

Scipio:
Cheer up. We live.

Porcius Cato:
We do, we live.

Scipio:
And where there's life, there's hope.

Porcius Cato:
I'm afraid if we've done anything, my old friend, we've disproved that proverb.

Atia of the Julii:
You f***ed your sister, you little pervert!

Porcius Cato:
Scipio, you have a tolerant spirit. I suggest that, if you can, you should try and make your peace with Caesar.

Scipio:
I shall do whatever you do.

Porcius Cato:
[chuckles] Oh, I wouldn't do that.

[Cato commits suicide later that evening]

Gaius Octavian:
You still f***ing my mother?

Timon:
[laughs] Whenever she'll have me.

Gaius Octavian:
That explains your presumptuous familiarity.

[Vorenus, Pullo, and Niobe sit down to their last meal, while Erastes and his thugs are on their way to kill them]

Titus Pullo:
Good bread, this.

Niobe:
I bought the better kind. Hang the expense, eh?

[after the defeat at Thapsus]

Scipio:
We should go.

Porcius Cato:
Where?

Scipio:
Utica's not far.

Porcius Cato:
Utica? What's there for us?

Scipio:
Food, shelter.

Porcius Cato:
I need neither.

Scipio:
Sleep, then.

Porcius Cato:
Sleep would be pleasant.

[Timon and his thugs are waiting to ambush Servilia's litter]

Saul:
What's the hat for?

Timon:
Yom Kippur.

Saul:
Oh, is that today?

Timon:
You call yourself a Jew?

Saul:
What are you now, my rebbe?