Salute Your Shorts

Donkeylips:
Someday I will go out with her.

Bobby:
Stop dreaming and glue your macaroni.

Donkeylips:
I can't.

Bobby:
Why not?

Donkeylips:
I ate it all.

Bobby:
How? It was uncooked, rock hard, and covered with yellow spray paint.

Donkeylips:
I thought that was cheese.

Z.Z.:
(trapped in a cave) Echo. Save the whales.

Telly:
Will you shut up!

Z.Z.:
What? You don't want to save the whales?

Bobby:
You are roasted.

Donkeylips:
Toasted.

Bobby, Donkeylips:
And burned to a crisp!

Donkeylips:
Hey, Sponge.

Sponge Harris:
Yeah?

Donkeylips:
Maybe if I did lose weight I wouldn't get picked on as much. I'm a little husky, you know?

Sponge Harris:
Yeah I know. But getting picked on isn't so bad. Someday I'll get rich inventing this cool space laser and I'll have this giant company and people like Budnick will be emptying my waste baskets.

Donkeylips:
Yeah! With gum on the bottom.

Sponge Harris:
And big dripping wads of Kleenex!

Donkeylips:
Yeah, and he has to pluck it out with his teeth! That'd be cool!

Sponge Harris:
Revenge!

Bobby:
Hello and welcome to bunk 13. 200 miles from the nearest flush toilet.

Donkeylips:
I can hawk a loogie eight feet in the air and catch it with my tongue.

Michael Stein:
Wow. Your mother must be really proud.

Michael Stein:
What's that smell?

Sponge Harris:
Oh! That was a dead raccoon. They just dragged him out this morning.

Michael Stein:
Is this where it died?

Sponge Harris:
No. That's just where it suffered.

Bobby:
Look this way... Look that way... Man, your head's lopsided.

Donkeylips:
Can you fix it?

Michael Stein:
Sponge! This is Ug's private stereo, are you sure everything is hooked up all right?

Sponge Harris:
My IQ is in the top 99th percentile.

Michael Stein:
Look, sponge if anything happens to Ug's equipment, I'm dead.

Sponge Harris:
Just... just turn it on.

Michael Stein:
You said everything was going to be all right! What happened?

Sponge Harris:
I was wrong. It's little things like this that keep me out of the 100th percentile.

Pinsky:
Guys I can't believe it! My favorite movie is playing tonight, "Attack of the Cheese Monster". This guy's made of cheddar, jack, Swiss. This guys is a monster made of Muenster.

Ug:
I did it! I did it!

Dina Alexander:
What?

Ug:
I finally out-negotiated Dr. Kahn.

Telly:
What happened?

Ug:
He was going to give me one night off every month, but I talked him into giving me one night off every four weeks.

Dina Alexander:
Way to play hardball, Ug.

[ZZ, Pinsky, and Donkey Lips are fishing]

Pinsky:
Think about it. When you die they stick you in the ground and it's the worms that eat you up!

Z.Z.:
Then somebody digs up the worms that ate you and use to catch fish which somebody else eats.

Donkeylips:
So wait a second guys, when we had fish sticks the other night, I could have eaten a fish, that ate a worm, that ate Elvis?

Z.Z.:
You could be burping up the king as we speak!

[Pinsky holds up a worm]

Pinsky:
"Hey, look at me! I ate Moe from the Three Stooges!"

[ZZ also holds up a worm]

Z.Z.:
"I ate Henry David Thoreau, who lived at Walden Pond."

Donkeylips:
Come on, guys, just cut it out! That's weird!

[Pinsky continues to tease Donkey Lips, this time as Curly from the Three Stooges]

Pinsky:
"Hey, look at me, I ate Curly! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

Z.Z.:
Betsy Ross!

Donkeylips:
That does it! I'm off of seafood. I'm sticking with hot dogs!

Z.Z.:
You know what they put in hot dogs?

Donkeylips:
I don't want to hear it!

Budnick:
[everyone is singing the opening theme song] It makes me wanna fart.

Ug:
[shouts] It's "I hope that we never part". Now get it right or pay the price.

Telly:
[while Budnick is in charge, he's forcing everyone to fill up the pool with a bucket brigade] Budnick, why don't you just go swim in the lake?

Bobby:
Because fish fart in it!

Bobby Budnick:
Look, are you trying to beg your mom and daddy to send brownies so Thud Mackie doesn't tap dance on your windpipe?

Michael Stein:
Yeah. So?

Bobby Budnick:
Do your parents ever cheat on their taxes?

Michael Stein:
No.

Bobby Budnick:
Did they ever sneak in the back door of a movie theater?

Michael Stein:
No.

Bobby Budnick:
All right, then they're never gonna send you brownies. Look, they know the rules, and this movie - forget it.

Michael Stein:
So what do you suggest I do?

Bobby Budnick:
All right. Rule number one: Never lie to your parents.

Michael Stein:
What?

Bobby Budnick:
You lie to your GRANDparents.

Michael Stein:
Oh, get real. My grandparents?

Bobby Budnick:
You wanna get those brownies? Send this video to your grandparents.

Bobby Budnick:
This get-me-home video wll be my masterpiece - the ultimate in grandparent scamming.

Sponge Harris:
Loogie coming up, so to speak.

Michael Stein:
[video voiceover] Camp brochure talks about international cuisine. It's true. We get exciting exciting foods from many lands. Mexican...

Dina Alexander:
[slopping gruel from a tin bucket onto Telly's plate] Ol?!

Michael Stein:
French...

Dina Alexander:
[slopping more gruel from the same bucket onto Sponge's plate] Oui-oui!

Michael Stein:
...and German.

Dina Alexander:
[slopping gruel from the bucket onto Eddie's plate] Farfegnugen!

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
[concluding his plea video] Well, Grammy and Pop-Pop, sure hope you enjoyed the tour of camp. I gotta get goin', 'casue we're gonna have another one of those steak knife relay races. Just want you to know somethin' - I love you, and I wish I was with you right now. I really, really do. Love, Moosh-Moosh.

Dr. Kahn:
[over loudspeaker] This is Dr. Kahn. Will whoever has... en... aying with my PA system, please... op it. These are very criti... justments. I do not want... touching it. I want it to stop immedi... ly. Whoa, look at THAT spark.

[Ug faces the possibly that he isn't a good councilor while Michael faces the prospect of going home]

Michael Stein:
I'm goin' home? YES! I can sleep in my own bed and see all my friends?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
No, you get to stay at your grandparents' and play bingo with 'em every night and go to the seniors' garden club, so... you'll be happy.

Michael Stein:
[sighs] They eat dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
I guess it's time to quit this job and find something I'm good at.

Michael Stein:
They never salt anything EVER.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
No one comes to my activities.

Michael Stein:
And the furniture's in plastic.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
The campers are unhappy: the Ug Era has ended.

[Both sit - right onto the keys of the piano]

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
So, I'm, uh, really not a bad councilor.

Michael Stein:
Ug, we'll talk about that later. Uh, by the way, if a 74-yar-old ex-Marine comes looking for you - run!

Bobby Budnick:
If he tries to pound your niblets, we'll cream his corn.

Bobby Budnick:
Hey, how many fingers am I holding up?

Michael Stein:
How many fingers am *I* holding up.

Bobby Budnick:
Wow! That girl is amazing! That girl is breathtaking!

Ronnie Pinsky:
That girl is Dina!

Bobby Budnick:
[Budnick and Dina are looking at their three-legged race trophy they just won] "Budnick and Dina." It has a nice ring to it.

Dina Alexander:
Why isn't my name first?

Bobby Budnick:
Do you want it first? I can make it first.

Dina Alexander:
Whatever.

Bobby Budnick:
You say that really nice.

Dina Alexander:
You're weird.

Bobby Budnick:
You say that nice, too.

Bobby Budnick:
[talking about his liking Dina] You want to know why?

Ronnie Pinsky:
Because she looks great in a bikini?

Dina Alexander:
No. Every cool guy needs a cool lady to hang with, and at this camp Dina is it. [we see a fantasy version of Dina in the background as Budnick describes her] I mean she's perfect! She's gorgeous, she's smart...

Dina Alexander:
E = MC...Hammer!

Bobby Budnick:
And I bet she would win in a beauty competition. She really likes music too, just like me. She's a really good singer, and a good dancer, just like I am. [Dina begins to hum] But it's what's on the inside that really counts. I mean Dina has a really big heart! And she really loves animals too. I think the thing I like about her most is that her dad has a couple of billion dollars. So I wouldn't mind calling him Dad either.

Ronnie Pinsky:
You just described a combination of Mother Teresa, Madonna, and Flipper. I'm not sure there was much Dina in there.

Bobby Budnick:
I just got to find a way to ask her to the social so that she can't blow me off.

Ronnie Pinsky:
Well, if you are committed to that idea, just do what you do best.

Bobby Budnick:
Twist her arm?

Ronnie Pinsky:
Write her a song.

Bobby Budnick:
A song...with a twist. Pinsky, you are a genius, second of course only to myself.

Ronnie Pinsky:
Hey!

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
[sitting and watching Pinsky and Telly fight over a piece of paper in the lake] Looks like Budnick has a crush on Dina.

Sponge Harris:
And ZZ has a crush on Budnick.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
And I think Telly is actually crushing Pinsky.

Sponge Harris:
But no one has a crush on us.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Do you think it is going to be that way our whole lives?

Sponge Harris:
Nah, in a few years women will love us for our minds and it won't matter if we're cool.

Sponge Harris:
I can't wait! Hey, let's go rub some sticks together and see if we can start a fire.

Sponge Harris:
[the kids just finish watching the tape of Budnick and Dina's first date] The end.

Telly Radford:
The end of Budnick.

Ronnie Pinsky:
[of Budnick singing Captain & Tennille songs] Guys, to quote one of my favorite falsifiers, Baloo the Bear..."He's gone, man. Solid gone."

Bobby Budnick:
[campers are having a food fight when Budnick enters the room] Stop! Now! [the campers stop] Are you all right, honey?

Dina Alexander:
I'm fine; I was just having a little fun.

Bobby Budnick:
[yells at the rest of the campers as Ug enters the room with an ice pack on his head] Were you guys all born in barns? Don't you realize that food fighting is bad? Very, very bad! This camp has rules; if we do not abide by those rules we could have complete anarchy! [turns to Dina] I looked that up in the dictionary.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Bobby Budnick stopped a food fight? I must be hallucinating. I've got to get some more ice.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
[enters the cafeteria with a bandage on his head and talks to ZZ and Dina] Question: What's wrong with Budnick? I mean, every time I saw him today he was nice. He even volunteered to pick up trash, it's scary.

Z.Z. Ziff:
Sure is.

Dina Alexander:
Dina How's your head, Ug?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Fine, but do you guys hear this really high-pitched... [makes a beeping sound]

Dina Alexander, Z.Z. Ziff:
No.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Or this low pitched sound sort of womp... womp...?

Dina Alexander, Z.Z. Ziff:
No.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
So I guess that brontosaurus tap-dancing in the corner isn't real, hun?

Dina Alexander, Z.Z. Ziff:
No.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
I think I better go put some more ice on my head.

Z.Z. Ziff:
You go do that, Ug, now...

Sponge Harris:
[having just left a police officer] Um, uh, Ug? Uh, Donkeylips just... just gave half a peace sign to that guy on the motorcycle back there.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Which half?

[sirens sound]

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
[while locked in a public bathroom] Hey, they got this thing on the wall that sells balloons!

Bobby Budnick:
Go tell 'im to suck a bullfrog through a straw!

[Michael helps Bobby concoct artificial vomit]

Bobby Budnick:
All right, we got canned corn and chicken chunks for texture. We've got chocolate powder and toothpaste to give it the right color.

Michael Stein:
Ahh, maybe we should go.

Bobby Budnick:
Are you kidding? The definition of a wuss is someone who listens to a counselor.

Michael Stein:
Man, that's about the rudest thing I've ever seen without flushing.

Bobby Budnick:
Wait'll you taste it.

Michael Stein:
We don't feel so good, sir.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Aw, wassa matter? Got a widdle tummy ache? Tough nuggets. Unless you have broken bones or you're blowin' chunks, no one gets out of Instructional Swim. Got that? NOBODY!

[Michael hurls on Ug's shoes]

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Why did you do that?

Michael Stein:
Uh... I don't think my eggs were cooked at breakfast, sir.

[Bobby hurls on Ug's shoes]

Bobby Budnick:
I had some of his eggs.

Bobby Budnick:
Hey, keep it down out there! We're sick in here, ya goober!

Bobby Budnick:
I'd rather be bad than boring.

Bobby Budnick:
Hate's a very strong emotion, Mikey.

Michael Stein:
Just let me turn black and blue in peace.

Michael Stein:
All you ever do is lie to me and get me in trouble.

Bobby Budnick:
Why do you make it sound like such a negative?

Bobby Budnick:
And you're, like, a straight-A, never had a cavity, in bed by ten sort of kid, aren't you?

Bobby Budnick:
Cool is a very important thing to think about when you're choosing parents.

Michael Stein:
What about your parents?

Bobby Budnick:
Let's watch TV.

Bobby Budnick:
I've probably done about ten thousand puzzles in my life. Every time my mom gets a new boyfriend, they wanna do puzzles with me like I'm their pal. Well, I don't wanna do puzzles and I don't wanna be their pals.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Two hundred dollars for one finger's kind of expensive.

Donkeylips:
I'm warning you, Budnick. I wouldn't go out there if I were you. You're not gonna make it more than ten steps.

Budnick:
Yeah, well luckily you're not me, otherwise my clothes wouldn't fit. See you at the flag, suckers. [Budnick leaves the group, only to be doused with a barrage of water balloons]

Donkeylips:
I was wrong. He made it 11 steps.

[the campers realises that Budnick has transformed into the Counselor of Hell, not the free loving counselor who promised to let them run amuck]

Dina Alexander:
We have created a monster.

Sponge Harris:
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle said that.

Ronnie Pinsky:
Budnick is a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that.

Bobby Budnick:
Quit your yapping, no breaks. [sleeps]

Sponge Harris:
We have to find some way to get him him back.

Dina Alexander:
Why don't we put meat in his toothpaste?

Ronnie Pinsky:
No good. There's no telling when he's going to brush his teeth.

Telly Radford:
I still say pounding him is a good idea.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
[puts bucket down] So you want to get Budnick, huh? Here's how we do it. When he pulls rank, we pull a prank. When he sends us to the Pool, we send him to the Latrine. That the Anawanna way.

[Ug and the rest of the campers plot their revenge prank against Budnick]

Dina Alexander:
Budnick, why can't you just go swim in the lake?

Bobby Budnick:
Because fish fart in it!

[everyone is examining their food]

Z.Z. Ziff:
I think it's a species of Lima beans.

Michael Stein:
Nah, Lima beans don't have little twitching legs.

Dina Alexander:
Either this is a type of sauce, or my bratwurst is sweating.

Bobby Budnick:
[enters] Hi guys. I come bearing good news.

Z.Z. Ziff:
They hung the chef?

Ellen:
Being Dr. Kahn's niece definitely has some privileges.

Dina Alexander:
I mean, you can do whatever you want, to whoever you want, and you can not get in trouble.

Ellen:
Pretty cool, huh.

Dina Alexander:
Yeah.

Z.Z. Ziff:
It's like you've got a protective shield around you.

Telly Radford:
Come on. Let's use this to our fullest advantage.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
The Bobby Budnick Method to $uccess tape, take one.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
[claps the clapper] Ow.

Bobby Budnick:
Today I'm gonna tell ya how to make a million dollars by the time you're sixteen. Your first car can be a Rolls Royce. You can BUY yourself a high school diploma. And how? Today I'm going to teach you The Bobby Budnick Method to $uccess, a proven get-rich plan that allows you to earn a fortune by selling candy, bootleg concert tapes and t-shirts. But let's not take MY word for it. Let's talk to some of our satisfied customers. Have you used The Bobby Budnick Method to $uccess?

Ronnie Pinsky:
Yes, I have, Bobby. At no money down, I was able to buy a single box of grape licorice at a bank foreclosure and sell it to friends. I made over 1000% profit overnight.

Bobby Budnick:
Ha. Did you say profit with no money down?

[Kids in background applaud]

Dina Alexander:
What are you goobers doing?

Dina Alexander:
We're playing Pick the Pox.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
You got to guess the exact number of chicken pox of Michael's face when he returns from the hospital.

Dina Alexander:
What a completely moronic and childish thing to do.

Bobby Budnick:
The winner gets a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

Dina Alexander:
35 pox!

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
I'm sorry to have to tell you all like this, but Michael Stein won't be coming back to camp this summer.

Telly Radford:
Why not?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Soon he'll be going to a better place.

Z.Z. Ziff:
You mean he died?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
No. He's going to Europe.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
This is it; the baseball field! What do you think?

Ronnie Pinsky:
It's not exactly what they showed me in the brochure.

Ronnie Pinsky:
You know, guys, most camps have rules against bringing in outside food, but you know what? I don't like rules. Thus, ladies and gentlemen, I come bearing gifts. Behold, famous Pinsky salami; the most delicious meat or meat byproduct known to man.

Sponge Harris:
Listen, you know, you made a major mistake coming to Camp Anawanna. The food bites, bugs bite, activities bite - everything bites!

Michael Stein:
What is my underwear doing up the flagpole?

Sponge Harris:
Looks like it's flapping in the breeze. You know what I'd do if I were you?

Michael Stein:
Turn around and go home?

Sponge Harris:
No. I suggest you stand at attention, click your heels, and salute your shorts.

Dr. Kahn:
[over loudspeaker] This is Dr. Kahn, your camp leader. Welcome to Camp Anawanna, the happiest place in the universe.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
I can hock a loogie eight feet in the air and catch it with my tongue.

Michael Stein:
Well, your mother must be really proud.

Michael Stein:
Okay, now where's my bed.

Bobby Budnick:
Voila. Right here. The one with the big stain on it.

Michael Stein:
What's that smell?

Sponge Harris:
Oh, that was a dead raccoon. They just dragged him out this morning.

Michael Stein:
Is this where it died?

Sponge Harris:
No. That's just where it suffered.

Bobby Budnick:
You are roasted...

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
toasted...

Bobby Budnick, Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
[together]... and burnt to a crisp.

Dina Alexander:
Fashion alert, fashion alert. Are you REALLY gonna wear those glasses in public?

Telly Radford:
I need 'em to see.

Dina Alexander:
Seeing good instead of looking good? Priority check.

Sponge Harris:
Being brave usually means getting your adult teeth knocked right out.

Z.Z. Ziff:
Are you a vegetarian? I can't stand to eat anything with a face.

Dina Alexander:
We had Norwegian salmon - all the way from Norwege. Doesn't anybody care?

Bobby Budnick:
I don't like this new guy. He's athletic and popular.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Yeah, everything we're not.

Bobby Budnick:
So how are we gonna take him down?

Bobby Budnick, Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
[smirking to each other] Secret Society!

Dr. Kahn:
[over loudspeaker] This is Dr. Kahn. There's no need to run to breakfast. I've already taken the prizes out of all the cereals.

Bobby Budnick:
Hello and welcome to bunk 13, 200 miles from the nearest flush toilet.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Someday I'm gonna ask her out.

Bobby Budnick:
Stop dreamin' and glue your macaroni onto somethin'.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
I can't.

Bobby Budnick:
Why not?

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
I ate it.

Bobby Budnick:
You ate your macorni?

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Yeah.

Bobby Budnick:
How? It's uncooked, rock hard, and covered with yellow spray paint.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
I thought that was cheese.

Telly:
Anyone seen Ug?

Donkeylips:
I saw him running in his underwear looking for a four leaf clover, and then a bee stung him in the butt.

Bobby Budnick:
We are always one, Blood Brothers in the secret order of...

[he takes what he thinks is the skull out of the bag, but gets surprised when it's not the skull]

Bobby Budnick:
A Casaba Melon?!

Donkeylips:
It's fruit.

Sponge Harris:
We killed ourselves for that?

Ronnie Pinsky:
Budnick, you moron. What are we going to do?

[suddenly Ug comes into their cabin mad, with scissors and Kleenex stuffed up one nostril from injury from the society's test]

Bobby Budnick:
We die!!!!

Telly:
[trapped in a cave] Echo. Save the whales.

Z.Z. Ziff:
Will you shut up!

Z.Z. Ziff:
What? You don't want to save the whales?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
I don't have to be fair. I'm a counselor.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
From this moment on, you are all on Double Permanent Confinement until I find out who hung up on my girlfriend!

Michael Stein:
Smooth move, Ex-lax! I'm outta here!

Dina Alexander:
Budnick, you've gotta let us see the directions.

Bobby Budnick:
'Fraid I don't.

Telly Radford:
You don't own that page.

Bobby Budnick:
'Fraid I do.

Z.Z. Ziff:
Just because you broke the picture?

Sponge Harris:
This is Sara Madre, dance counselor a long time ago.

Michael Stein:
[sarcastically] Tastey lookin' babe.

Sponge Harris:
Each time she got paid, she buried her money somewhere in camp. One day, Sara took a whole dance class up to the top of Mt. Hoople, and she do-si-doed right off a cliff. Splat.

Dina Alexander:
Come on, Budnick, you're our friend, and you can't put money over friendship.

Dina Alexander:
[catching herself] Oh, listen to me.

Bobby Budnick:
Here's the deal: you cough up something big and sweet to whet my appetite and you can see the directions.

Z.Z. Ziff:
That sounds gross.

Sponge Harris:
What'd the directions say?

Michael Stein:
It says take six cha-cha-chas from the fireplace, take three rumbas to the right... What does all this stuff mean?

Sponge Harris:
Well, Sara Madre was a dance teacher, remember? Ca-cha's a dance term. It's probably what she used to measure where she hid the money.

Michael Stein:
So all we gotta do is start at the fireplace and... Do we really have to dance together?

Sponge Harris:
If we wanna find the treasure.

Sponge Harris, Michael Stein:
[together, clasping hands] One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Michael Stein:
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

Bobby Budnick:
How could you do this, Donkeylips? You are living in one of the most civilized countries on Earth!

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Well, the latrine was out of toilet paper, and you SAID the directions weren't worth ANYTHING!

Bobby Budnick:
All right. Says make six cha-chas to the right.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
I'll lead.

Bobby Budnick:
Well, this is it.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Cool, but I bunny-hopped into something really nasty back there.

Bobby Budnick:
[believing they're found the treasure location] All right. Um, right now we gotta swear to each other.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Okay. You're a big dripping pea...

Bobby Budnick:
I'm not talking swear like that.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
You're a greedy little weasel.

Bobby Budnick:
I'll take that as a compliment.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
There's a very deep hole in the middle of my in-field. Eventually this hole will fill up with water and this scum will float to the top. Then, Bobby Budnick, heh, you will be mine!

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
If you wanna be a winner, you have to learn the 4 F's of leadership: fearlessness, fairness, firmness, and control.

Telly Radford:
Control isn't an F.

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
Well then it's... it's 3 F's and a C.

Telly Radford:
Sounds like Donkeylips' report card.

[Budnick insists on taking the winning shot himself and misses]

Bobby Budnick:
It would've went in. The wind blew it off.

Dina Alexander:
You jerk!

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Yeah, smooth move, ex-lax! You lost the game for all of us!

Dr. Kahn:
[over loudspeaker] This is Dr. Kahn. Tonight's activities will be a terrifying ghost story about Camp Anawanna history or bingo in the rec center. First prize is a box of licorice.

Bobby Budnick:
A long time ago, there was a guy named Zeke. He used to clean out the toilets here at camp.

Dina Alexander:
Already it's a horror story.

[In telling his ghost story, Bobby produces a plunger]

Michael Stein:
What's the big deal? My dad has one of these at home.

Bobby Budnick:
But your dad's probably doesn't have a curse on it.

Michael Stein:
Curse? What curse?

Bobby Budnick:
They say old Zeke, the plumber's ghost, still walks around Camp Anawanna looking for his plunger. Anyone who touches it will be haunted in their dreams.

Z.Z. Ziff:
What is this guy, the Freddie Krueger of custodians?

Dina Alexander:
[having encircled her bed with toothpaste] You believe what you want, and I'll believe what I want, but I'm gonna go to sleep much better knowing I got full fluoride protection.

Zeke:
Come on. Let's see what else you have inside... your... head.

Dr. Kahn:
[over loudspeaker] This is Dr. Kahn. Due to a slight mix-up at the dairy this morning, please discard all milk cartons labeled "Expiration Date: 1983."

Bobby Budnick:
Boy, what's up? Zeke the Plumber keep you awake last night?

Michael Stein:
No.

Bobby Budnick:
Liar.

Dina Alexander:
Are you deaf?

Kevin 'Ug' Lee:
No. Dead.

Bobby Budnick:
What is THIS?

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
It's a bag of potato chips.

Bobby Budnick:
I asked for ruffled potato chips.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Hey, what's the difference?

Bobby Budnick:
One has ruffles and the other one doesn't, ya moron.

Eddie 'Donkeylips' Gelfen:
Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a pizza in my mouth.

Zeke:
My name is Zeke the Plumber, and I've come to collect your head in my bucket.

Bobby Budnick:
There sure are a lot of you guys out here tonight.

Zeke:
Silence! And give me your head.

Bobby Budnick:
I'm sorry, man, but I'm kind of attached to it, in more ways than one.

Zeke:
You must suffer my curse and I must take your head!

Zeke:
I can smell your fear.

Bobby Budnick:
Please stop. I'll make you a deal.

Zeke:
I don't make deals with roaches.

Bobby Budnick:
What if I told you everything I ever did bad at camp?