The League of Gentlemen

Edward:
Hello, hello. What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

Iris Krell:
He has made me do things that would make a whore blush.

Tubbs:
You lied to me Edward. You lied to me. There is a Swansea... and other places.

David:
I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?

Tubbs:
[Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds.

'Tubbs' Tattsyrup:
Are you... local?

Edward:
I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here.

Tubbs:
Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong.

Edward:
Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home, [shouts] rape our dead mouths! Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble.

Edward:
You people are all alike, You march in here, young! try and touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.

[repeated line]

Alvin Steele:
Home is the hunter!

Phil:
What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys.

Olly Plimsoles:
Dykes on the other hand are evil.

Dave:
Ollie!

Olly Plimsoles:
Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers!

[Phil tries to calm Ollie down]

Olly Plimsoles:
[shouts] Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...

Tubbs:
Will heaven be like Swansea?

Edward:
Yes, Tubbs. Only... bigger.

[repeated line]

Reenie Calver, Vinnie Wythenshaw:
That Merril!

Pamela Doove:
[shouts] Eskeewd beef! Have anybody got any bokkle oran doove?

[talking about his/her sex change operation]

Barbara Dixon:
One little prick and it'll all be over. Then they cut my cock off.

Edward:
How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? All right a pound.

Pauline:
Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey.

Pauline:
Can you tell me what this is?

Ross:
Its a pen

Pauline:
Yes its a pen, one of Pauline's pens.

Edward:
We don't bother the outside world, we don't want it bothering us.

Pauline:
Do you see how easy it is? its as simple as Mickey.

Iris Krell:
Don't do anything I would'nt do... that wont leave her many options.

Edward:
this is a local shop the strangers you would bring would not understand us, our customs, our local ways.

Les McQueen:
Everyone knew me round here, I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.

Tubbs:
Edward, will more strangers come?

Edward:
Calm yourself Tubbs. None shall come.

Judee Levinson:
I wouldn't stone clad my house it would look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth.

Judee Levinson:
Be careful with that nightie, it costs more than you owe Kays catalogue.

Pauline:
Some of us, like Ross here, will want to follow in their father's footsteps... but you can't sign on forever.

Tubbs:
Look Edward a shooting star. Should we make a wish?

Edward:
Yes Tubbs, wish for an end to this plague of strangers, for our futures to remain local and for new road to be totally destroyed.

Tubbs:
And can I have a new dress please.

Harvey Denton:
Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

Pauline:
Watch your language.

Mickey:
English.

Pauline:
No WATCH.

Tubbs:
Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.

David:
About 7 then?

Val Denton:
We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you'll have your own shower and WC.

Harvey Denton:
Into which we do not pass solids.

Ross:
How's he going to get a job if you don't let him go for his interview?

Pauline:
How's he going to get an interview if he doesn't know his job options?

Ross:
But he's already got an interview.

Mike Harris:
[a good time later] The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?

Brian Morgan:
I thought it was a dead cert.

Mike Harris:
Our company needs...

Geoff Tipps:
PLUMS!

Brian Morgan:
You what?

Geoff Tipps:
It's plums, go on.

Brian Morgan:
Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now.

Geoff Tipps:
Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau."

Mike Harris:
You didn't do the voice.

Geoff Tipps:
Don't matter. Finish it.

Brian Morgan:
I can't remember.

Geoff Tipps:
Finish it.

Brian Morgan:
I can't remember it Geoff.

Geoff Tipps:
Please.

Brian Morgan:
Geoff. I honestly can't remember.

Geoff Tipps:
[crying] It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?

Geoff Tipps:
[pulls out gun] Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke. [looks around him] And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it! [puts gun to Mike's head]

Brian Morgan:
All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit.

Geoff Tipps:
PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE...

Brian Morgan:
Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him...

Mike Harris:
[Geoff c*cks the gun] Get it right Brian.

Brian Morgan:
He says... I can't remember.

Mike Harris:
He says, "Death by Mau Mau." [pause]

Geoff Tipps:
[calmly] Oh, you heard it?

Mike Harris:
Yeah.

Mickey:
What time is it, Ross?

Ross:
You've got a watch on.

Mickey:
I know, but what time is it?

Tubbs:
Yes, can I help you at all?

[Iain is being interviewed at a dating agency]

Olive Kilshaw:
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?

Iain Cashmore:
I'm sorry?

Olive Kilshaw:
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?

Iain Cashmore:
I can't really say.

Olive Kilshaw:
So, not at all kind to animals.

Iain Cashmore:
Well, don't say that...

Olive Kilshaw:
No, I've got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?

Iain Cashmore:
When?

Olive Kilshaw:
In general.

Iain Cashmore:
Well, sometimes...

Olive Kilshaw:
So quiet.

Iain Cashmore:
Don't put that...

Olive Kilshaw:
No, I've got to take all your bad points as well.

Iain Cashmore:
That's not necessarily a bad point, is it?

Olive Kilshaw:
Well, you say that, but you can't get a girlfriend, can you?

Lance Longthorne:
Yes, this is the joke shop, shop being the key word. So if you've come here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind up willies, you can sod off out of here now, all right?

Workman:
No, I will be making a purchase.

Lance Longthorne:
Well, whoopy sh*t.

Tubbs:
Don't touch the things, this is a local shop for local people, there's nothing for you here.

Tubbs:
He asked me to open the till, he has a plan he covets the precious things of the shop.

Tubbs:
We didn't burn him.

Pauline Campbell-Jones:
Just who do you think you're talking to ?

Cathy Carter-Smith:
Well according to my report a psychotic 50-year-old lesbian.

Pauline Campbell-Jones:
How dare you. I'm 48

[arguing over the disposal of Mike's body]

Geoff Tipps:
What are you doing ?

Brian Morgan:
I'm making him a cross.

Geoff Tipps:
Oh, great idea. Why not put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here".

Brian Morgan:
Well, they will find him anyway.

Geoff Tipps:
Yeah, and when they do we'll say that wolves did it.

Tubbs:
Line and lines and lines and lines.

Train tannoy:
We are now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey, next stop. This... is the end of the line.

Edward:
Pervert, eh? Sex. On the brain. Wet the bed, I'll bet - as a boy? No sisters.

Pauline:
Ooh, it's half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning, jobseekers.

Papa Lazarou:
Hello Dave.

Woman:
I'm sorry?

Papa Lazarou:
Is that Dave?

Woman:
Oh, I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong house.

Papa Lazarou:
Okay, is Dave there?

Woman:
No, there's no one called Dave here.

Papa Lazarou:
Okay.

Tubbs:
Will Heaven be like Swansea, Edward?

Edward:
Yes, Tubbs. Only... bigger.

Barbara Dixon:
The good thing is, they know me there now. I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.

Roadworker:
They're roads... they connect you with other places.

Papa Lazarou:
Oh. You're my wife now.

Samuel:
[of the Special Stuff] You see Hilary, I know it's wrong... but it just tastes so good.

Tubbs:
We could kill them all.

Edward:
Ha ha. Oh, Tubbs. You're good hearted.

Ross:
Pauline. When are we gonna get on the computers, learn about spreadsheets - something practical?

Pauline:
Piss off, Ross.

Barry Baggs:
I were looking forward to that scampi.

Barry Baggs:
You're not havin' this money I owe you.

Joseph Lisgoe:
Right, you two, this is the last chance saloon. How much money did you pair of clowns collect last week?

Barry Baggs:
Err...

Joseph Lisgoe:
Six pound! Six bloody pound. And you only found that because it were down the back of a sofa you brung in.

Barry Baggs:
Is there any sandwiches?

[Lisgoe throws something at him]

Glenn Baggs:
Sorry, Mr. Lisgoe, we...

Joseph Lisgoe:
I know what it is. You're as soft as bloddy shite. So we're going to have a bit of retraining or you're out on your arses. You, Fatty Arbuckle.

Barry Baggs:
I'm not fat, I'm large.

Joseph Lisgoe:
Right, here's thirty quid.

Barry Baggs:
Ooh, thanks Mr. Lisgoe I'll get some pop. You want owt Glenn?

[repeated line]

Les McQueen:
It's a sh*t business. I'm glad I'm out of it.

Hillary Briss:
It's like I always say. I'm a business man; I've a shelf full of black puddings out there, can't say I care for it.

Maurice:
You mean... you don't eat the special stuff?

Hillary Briss:
Someone has to stay in control.

Dr Ira Carlton:
Come in. [Mrs Beasly enters] Sit down as usual. Now, what *seems* to be the problem?

Gina Beasley:
I've been having these bad headaches for months now. And I think there's something seriously wrong.

Dr Ira Carlton:
I'll be the judge of that if you don't mind! I'm going to subscribe you some tablets, they're called Paracetemol, you take two at the first sign of the pain recurring. Now go out will you?

Gina Beasley:
Actually, Dr. Carlton, I've tried Paracetemol and they don't seem to work.

Dr Ira Carlton:
You see, once again you are crossing the line. And I don't like it one bit. Are you tidy?

Gina Beasley:
I try to be.

Dr Ira Carlton:
Methodical.

Gina Beasley:
Yes.

Dr Ira Carlton:
[pause] Which means you are obsessional, a trait often subscribed to hypercondriacts. And on that note we'll end, come and see me again in twenty two weeks. Now go out will you? [she is about to speak up] GO OUT WILL YOU?

Gina Beasley:
[bursts into tears]

Benjamin:
You want me to piss into a glass?

Pauline:
Mickey! If you walk out the door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit.

Ross:
She can't do that!

Pauline:
Try me.

Mickey:
Please Pauline, I feel confident.

Pauline:
Well you look ridiculous! I know they put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine. [Mickey sits down dejected]

Pauline:
That's right Mickey love, you stick to what you know, eh?

Mickey:
Pauline's right, I am stupid.

Pauline:
Right the rest of you, I want you to split yourself into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we'll look at the next step. Getting an interview.

Ross:
Newsagent, police man, carpet fitter, doctor, vet, tennis player, football player...

Pauline:
Hold on a second, [writing] tennis...

Ross:
...solider, spy, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, fisherman, builder, labourer

Pauline:
All right clever dick. That's enough now.

[beat]

Ross:
And astronaut.

Pauline:
PISS OFF.

[leaning in his face]

Pauline:
You can shout out as many jobs as you like Ross, you'll never bloody get one, you worthless dole scum.

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
[conducting a service] "You cowards. You whoremongers. Idolaters, liars. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death. The death that burns and tears for all eternity."

[we then cut and see she is talking to a group of school children]

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
And lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he finally saw the true light, the way unto the Lord. At least that's what it says here... ;Lord, I am tired. Well, so much for the road to Damascus, what about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah. Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protesters. Driving round in their converted ice cream vans; pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues... I bet they'd have their arseholes pierced, if they could get their cheeks into the machine. If I had my way, I'd shepherd them all into one of their tunnels knock out all the pit props and see how they like being close to the earth then.

Edward:
You heard the man Tubbs [beat] get undressed.

Herr Lip:
If you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth.

Pauline:
Ooh look. It's Mr. Cabbages, and he's a...

Mickey:
Fireman.

Pauline:
No Mickey love, he's a greengrocer. But his good friend is Mr. Flames, and he is a...

Mickey:
Greengrocer.

Pauline:
Today we'll be doing a brain storming session.

[to Mickey]

Pauline:
Don't worry Mickey, love. It doesn't hurt.

Pauline:
Me and Mr. Pen are going for a little walk down the high street, where we're going to see lots and lots of people doing lots and lots of jobs.

Ross:
[mutters] Not our high street then.

[after releasing non-locals they tortured]

Edward:
Don't worry Tubbs. [pulls out crossbow] They won't get far.

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
I welcome this new road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings. If God meant us to walk everywhere, he wouldn't have given us little chefs.

Papa Lazarou:
Nice to see you again Dave, all grown up.

Doctor Matthew Chinnery:
[to a dog] Hello old girl. Oh, you really are on your last legs aren't you? Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones. Well, you won't be in pain for much longer. Oh, don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.

[the dog whimpers as he injects it, but he pets, and soothes it]

Dr. Matthew Chinnery:
Off to the land of nod. Good dog.

[Farmer Tinsel then enters carrying another dog]

Farmer Tinsel:
Ugh, the galstone's made him put on weight Mr. Chinnery.

Dr. Matthew Chinnery:
What have you got there?

Farmer Tinsel:
Here's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want putting down.

Dr. Chinnery:
And this one, the... sleeping one.

Farmer Tinsel:
Whiskey. My litle angel she is. Aren't you pet? Whiskey? Whiskey?

Dr. Matthew Chinnery:
I wonder if you can take a seat Mr. Tinsel, I have some rather upsetting news.

Geoff Tipps:
WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?

Hillary Briss:
Fear is the best insurance we can buy.

Papa Lazarou:
You're going to be an elephant, Dave!

Tubbs:
Look Edward, a freak show. Shall we take David?

Edward:
No Tubbs, we don't want to frighten them.

[a policeman is questioning Tubbs when Edward enters]

Edward:
Hello, hello. What's going on, what's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here.

Tubbs:
He's looking for a boy.

Edward:
Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy. Come before your type in the forces, you won't catch me with my trousers down!

Dr Matthew Chinnery:
[after accidently killing an animal] Was he very old?

Chris Frost:
CCTV, mirrors, marked notes, security tags they're all tools of the trade and don't be fooled by their sympatheic exterior, be very wary of people in wheelchairs or babies in prams, yes keep an even closer eye on them. Only the other day I caught a 6 month old infant trying to conceal a box of rusks under his blanket, needless to say he met his match that day and I was able to inform the authorities before any more damage was done, Chalk it up!

Lance Longthorne:
Stag night coming up? I've got just the thing for you. I've got just the thing. Spread this powder on the groom's undies night before the wedding, gives him crabs! Bleeding crabs eggs, they hatch overnight, groom's standing at the altar, wife beside him, can't stop thinking about scracthing himself because he's got bleedin'crabs. Four pound fifty.

work man:
What?

Lance Longthorne:
All right, four pound.

work man:
No, I'm lookin for something more... specific.

Lance Longthorne:
Oh. Ok, how about this? Hot sweets, give them to the groom before he makes his speech.

Road man:
Hot sweets, eh? What's in them, pepper?

Lance Longthorne:
Potassium. Burn his tongue and roof of his mouth off, never talk again!

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
[reading the bible] And he will give strength to legs that are weak and arms that tremble. The crippled will throw down their crutches and leap up and down in praise of his grace. Huh. Doesn't say they need five car parking spaces outside safeways now does it? They're always empty, I only nipped in for five minutes to get a bottle of taboo! I come out and the bugger's clamped. I said to the man, would it have made a difference if I had a stick and a limp? Ramps outside libraries, AND THEIR TOILETS ARE MASSIVE! Hymn number 513: Glad that I live am I!

Harvey Denton:
While the wee wife's away just a few words on the subject of onanism. In this house, we don't masturbate. It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do, especially with two young girls running around now is it? I would hate to imagine either Chloe or Radcliffe, tearing down the stairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist!

Harvey Denton:
Maybe if you spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five daughters, you'd be a little more alert.

Val:
[reading the house rules about scissors] Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.

Benjamin:
Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin...

Val Denton:
Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair...

[Harvey enters]

Harvey Denton:
...you'll find the red for pubic hair.

Chloe Denton:
If you don't play a game with us, we'll tell daddy on you.

Benjamin Denton:
Tell?

Radcliffe Denton:
We'll say we came down here and saw you doing something naughty.

Benjamin Denton:
Like what?

Chloe Denton, Radcliffe Denton:
Shaking hands with the governor of love!

Radcliffe Denton:
I once saw daddy beat a man until both he and the man were crying.

Pauline Campbell-Jones:
You can't come in here ordering them around and telling them they're useless, that's my job!

Cathy Carter-Smith:
A com-pu-ter is like an electronic brain filled with chips. No, not the sort you have in your tea every night...

Mickey:
Pauline, she's worse than you.

Papa Lazarou:
[reapplying his disguise] I learned from my wives. Each one has something different to offer. [glancing at Brian] Yours specialized at curling eye-lashes. Did you even know that? You should have paid more attention to her. I know I did.

Pauline:
Why are you doing this to me, Ross?

Ross:
Because you made me hate my job.

Reporter:
[on Live TV] Mayor Vaughan thank you very much for your time.

Mayor Larry Vaughan:
It's a f***ing pleasure.

Mike King:
Look Lance, there's an old saying, once the sh*t's been shat...

Lance Longthorne:
I'll sh*t you! [punches him]

Pauline:
Ross, that is not my responsibility. My responsibility is turning you all into job seekers. Now, where would I be if you all got work before the end of the course?

Colin:
On the dole.

Pauline:
Exactly! I'd be here sitting next to Mr. Waddilove stinking of sh*t! This is my job we're talking about!

Ross:
This is my report. It has everything I need for your immediate termination, and believe me, I'm gunna push for that. [reads from report] Use of abusive and threatening language...

Pauline:
Oh, come off it.

[Ross pulls out a dictaphone]

Pauline:
[on tape] You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you coming in? Sit up straight you bone-idle lazy c*nt!

[pause]

Pauline:
What was that?

Ross:
That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.

Herr Lip:
Lotte will finger your hymn on the organ but I wish to conduct you myself.

Herr Lip:
You're not like the other queer boys.

Matthew:
Pardon?

Herr Lip:
Queer boys, the boys that sing in the queer.

Dr Matthew Chinnery:
Reverend, do you believe a man can be cursed?

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
Have you met Barbera?

Barbara Dixon:
I've only been on the hormones 18 months. My nipples are like bullets.

Chris Frost:
She said to me, being a store detective is like being the person who stands up at a wedding. No-one likes doing it, I didn't like doing it, not to my own brother! But nobody likes a cheat.

Geoff Tipps:
Well, things finally started going my way ladies and gentlemen. In 84 both our mothers got badly sick, mine, thank God, she got better. But yours DIED didn't she Mike? Didn't she?

[Mike, in great pain and sorrow nods]

Geoff Tipps:
Yeah, I won that. At least I won the mums!

Harvey Denton:
A dirty brush is a useless brush!

Harvey Denton:
When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, "Here comes Harvey toadface." "Quick hide, toadface Denton is coming!"

Val Denton:
And that was his mother and father.

Workman:
Got a frog here for Mr. Denton.

Harvey Denton:
A WHAT?

Workman:
A frog.

Harvey Denton:
How dare you sir. In this house we do not use the f word. This... is a toad!

Papa Lazarou:
Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?

Phil:
[a play's closing line] I'm happy with who I am and what I am and if people don't like that they can go kill themselves like Mum did!

Phil:
[another of their plays] When mum said I was autistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then again, I was never like any of the other boys. They were into football.

Dave:
YAY!

Phil:
Or girls.

Olly Plimsoles:
Phwoar!

Phil:
And I liked books and dolls.

Olly Plimsoles:
Poof!

Dave:
Mary!

Olly Plimsoles:
Homo!

Dave:
Nancy!

Olly Plimsoles:
[tearful] Linda...

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Excuse me madam, I am conducting a survey. Would it be all right if I asked you some questions?

Woman:
All right.

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Question one: will you be prepared to have your breast pinched?

Woman:
Pardon?

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
I'll repeat the question. Would you be prepared to have your breast pinched?

Woman:
Certainly not!

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Fine. [writes] Refuses to have breast pinched. Ok, second question. Are you sure you don't want your breast pinched?

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
Some people call this "Theatre in Education" - I call it "AIDS in a van"!

Stella Hull:
Have I ever fantasized about having a threesome? No not since Milli Vanilli split up.

Stella Hull:
If you think I'm sticking digestives down my knickers and calling next doors dog in - you can forget it!

Stella Hull:
Look at him thinks he's John friggin' Travolta, more like John Presscot!

Pauline:
It's about Mickey. He's getting married.

Ross:
Oh-ho. The plot thickens. Who is the poor b*tch?

Pauline:
It's me.

Ross:
What?

Pauline:
Mickey's asked me to marry him, and I've said yes.

Ross:
You and Mickey?

Pauline:
Yes.

Ross:
The lesbian and the monkey. Sounds like one of Esop's fables.

Pauline:
Now, we were thinking yesterday, weren't we, about jobs. Do you remember? And what did we conclude?

Ross:
There aren't any.

Pauline:
You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell 'job', but at least he tries!

Mickey:
J... O [looks confused]

Geoff Tipps:
God he's bloody deaf, him.

Mike Harris:
Well, you know what they say, Geoff.

Geoff Tipps:
What?

Mike Harris:
[mumbles]

Geoff Tipps:
Eh?

Mike Harris:
[mumbles]

Geoff Tipps:
I can't hear you!

Mike Harris:
I said "bummers are deaf!" [laughs]

Geoff Tipps:
Ah, it's a good one, that.

Mike Harris:
I fell for it and all.

Brian Morgan:
[Brian catches up] Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.

Geoff Tipps:
Here, Brian. You know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.

Brian Morgan:
What do you mean?

Geoff Tipps:
Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf!

Brian Morgan:
I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.

Geoff Tipps:
Well I don't! Mike said it. He was really laughing.

Geoff Tipps:
Barbara? Are bummers deaf?

Barbara Dixon:
I've no idea.

Geoff Tipps:
I don't know why I'm asking you, you're a woman.

Barbara Dixon:
Not quite, Geoff. They've got to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum...

Harvey Denton:
Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we'd give you a tour of the amphibarium, and then if you're very good you can stroke my greenback.

Ross:
Home.

Pauline:
Royston Vasey.

Ross:
Family.

Pauline:
Dead.

Ross:
Friends

Pauline:
Pens.

Ross:
[more irritated] Friends.

Pauline:
Pens! They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!

Dougal Siepp:
Kenny Harris. As I live and breath. Are you not out of business yet Kenneth?

Kenny Harris:
Quit carping Siepp. We do DVD and video rental now. Do you know what my biggest title is?

Dougal Siepp:
I'm sure you're going to tell me.

Kenny Harris:
Digby. "Digby the biggest dog in the world." Can you rememeber what you said about it?

Dougal Siepp:
Funnily enough, no.

Kenny Harris:
You said it were dated. No-one would want to see it in this day and age. 17 rentals in 20 weeks, explain that!

Pauline:
I see we have a few new faces joining our restart course this morning, so I want you all to make them feel very welcome. Remember we're all in the same boat, well, I'm not, I've got a job, but you're all in the same boat. And as such, I want you to think of me as your cox.

Mickey:
C*cks!

Barbara Dixon:
It's OK once you've been shaved and marked up with lipstick. Course they won't know about lubrication until they open me up.

Brian Morgan:
All right, there's these three fellows.

Geoff Tipps:
Yeah, English man, Irish man, Scotchman.

Brian Morgan:
And they get lost in the desert.

Geoff Tipps:
Jungle.

Brian Morgan:
Is it?

Geoff Tipps:
Yeah, go on.

Brian Morgan:
All right. They get lost in the jungle and they get killed by these cannibals.

Geoff Tipps:
Not yet! You've missed the whole bloody joke you idiot!

Geoff Tipps:
Now, just think what the end is. And go back.

Brian Morgan:
There's an English man...

Geoff Tipps:
Fruit.

Brian Morgan:
What?

Geoff Tipps:
It's the fruit.

Brian Morgan:
[realising] Oh yeah!

Geoff Tipps:
He remembers it now.

Brian Morgan:
English man, Irish man, scotchman. They get captured by the cannibals and they have to go out into the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit. So they come back and the chief says, "So Englishman..."

Geoff Tipps:
Do the voice!

Brian Morgan:
[in voice] "So English man, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." and the english man says "We English will not bow to you savages, I choose Mau Mau." so they grab him and stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse...

Geoff Tipps:
And what did he pick?

Brian Morgan:
Oh, the englishman picked cherries.

Geoff Tipps:
[cracking up] Ha ha! Cherries. Imagine that Mike, tnen cherries sticking up your arse, Cherries are only really small though aren't they? [pause] Go on Brian.

Brian Morgan:
Right, so the chief turns to the scotchman and says "Death or Mau Mau" and... oh. What's the scotsman's fruit Geoff, it it bananas?

Geoff Tipps:
No it's smaller then that. Just a sec.

Brian Morgan:
Well let's just sa...

Geoff Tipps:
It's too big! It spoils the next one.

Brian Morgan:
Apples.

Geoff Tipps:
No.

Mike Harris:
Strawberries?

Geoff Tipps:
What, in the jungle?

Barbara Dixon:
To be honest, I think I favour internal protection over towels. I mean, who wants to walk around with a great big matress in between their legs all day?

Les McQueen:
I expect our kid told you I had a group of my own.

Shack:
Err...

Les McQueen:
Creme Brulee. [pause. Shack looks confused]

Les McQueen:
Yeah, we had a good run. Did Eurovision.

Shack:
The Eurovision song contest?

Les McQueen:
Oh yeah. Back in 81. Heats. Same year as Bucks Fizz. I remember saying to Jay Aston just before we went on : "This is where you sh*t yourself isn't it, Jay?" We had a right laugh about it. Eh, what do you think of that Gina G, Shack?

Shack:
Er?

Les McQueen:
Rubbish wasn't it? Ordinary. I said to our Thom, "It won't win that." It's ordinary. Eurovision is about communication. Look at the Israelis. Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden, "A ba ni be a ba ni be." Genius.

Joseph Lisgoe:
Pay attention you ignorant bastard! Now, twinkle toes is gonna try and get that money off you. Off you go.

Glenn Baggs:
Got that money Mr. Baggs?

Barry Baggs:
Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty...

Joseph Lisgoe:
No, no no! It's not as easy as that is it? Put up a fight like they do with you.

Barry Baggs:
Err...

Joseph Lisgoe:
Never mind, give it back.

Barry Baggs:
No.

Joseph Lisgoe:
What?

Barry Baggs:
Come back Thursday.

Joseph Lisgoe:
We're not playing that now, give me thne thirty quid.

Barry Baggs:
No, you can't have it. My mam needs it for an operation, she's having her legs replaced.

Dr Ira Carlton:
You cannot buy my opinion as you would by a used motor car.

Dr Singleton Boothby:
All my doors are open to you, Chinnery. Except the ones that are closed.

Olive Kilshaw:
Let me explain how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come through our doors are weirdos. My boyfriend doesn't like me working here. It's not that he's jealous, I say to him, "You should see the state of some of them!" No, its because he thinks it's depressing for me.

Iain Cashmore:
Did you meet him through an agency?

Olive Kilshaw:
[laughing] No! I shall tell him that tonight, he'll bloody laugh! No, I met him at a friend's party. You see, you meet people through people, and thats what a lot of them haven't got... friends! And you have to question that, don't you? But enough about me, let's get you paired up. Miracles can happen you know!

Olive Kilshaw:
Oooh, it's like "Cracker" this, isn't it? Why did you force her? Why did you force her?

Iain Cashmore:
I didn't force her... I didn't force her...

Ross:
Would you say you were a fairly egregious person?

Cathy Carter-Smith:
Right. Part one of the idiot's guide to computers. Who can tell me what electricity is?

Barbara Dixon:
As a woman I could have you under the sex discrimination act!

Geoff Tipps:
As a woman, we could have you under the trade's description act!

Papa Lazarou:
Want to buy some pegs, Dave?

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Never mind who I am. It's a simple enough question. Do you want your breast pinched or not?

[the woman slaps him and walks on]

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Fine. [writes] "Refuses to have breasts pinched." Now onto test two.

[a man walks by]

Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd:
Excuse me sir...

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
You cowards. You whoremongers. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur. Where you will die. The second death.

[Swing round to reveal she is berating a class of school children. One of them begins to cry. "Legz Akimbo" theatre company's van pulls up outside the school]

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
Oh they've arrived. [to children] Did you know that some of you are going to be watching a play this afternoon instead of doing proper lessons? It's going to be performed by "Legz Akimbo" theatre company and it is a play about homosexuality aimed at children aged 9 to 12. Some call this "theatre in education". I call it AIDS in a van.

Charlie Hull:
I've been having these funny dreams.

Reverend Bernice Woodall:
You shouldn't be having sticky duvet at your age!