Weeds

[bantering about racial prejudices]

Conrad Shepard:
You calling black people stupid?

Nancy Botwin:
And lazy... and they also steal.

Heylia James:
Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.

Shane Botwin:
You can't miss the bear.

Celia Hodes:
[watching a video of her daughter flipping her off] I should've had an abortion.

Celia Hodes:
Let your freak flag fly.

Shane Botwin:
I think pink's really your color, you f***wad!

Andy Botwin:
How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?

Doug Wilson:
I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.

Doug Wilson:
Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money.

Nancy Botwin:
Hey, that bag looks a little small.

Conrad Shepard:
You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there.

Nancy Botwin:
People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.

Josh Wilson:
It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film.

Nancy Botwin:
You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids.

Josh Wilson:
They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield.

Nancy Botwin:
You're a poet.

Josh Wilson:
You know it.

Nancy Botwin:
Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?

Celia Hodes:
Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Quinn:
Ok, we are breaking up.

Silas Botwin:
Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go.

Quinn:
I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Nancy Botwin:
You promised me no kids.

Josh Wilson:
Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no.

Quinn:
Can we have sex in your house?

Andy Botwin:
[to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a f***in' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed. [Shane gets up to walk away] Hey! [tosses Shane a banana] . Homework.

Nancy Botwin:
Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to f*** in my guest room. I've got everything under control.

Quinn:
But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof.

Celia Hodes:
I followed Dean here, did you see him?

Nancy Botwin:
Yes, I did, they were playing poker

Celia Hodes:
Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental p*ssy.

Celia Hodes:
When you stop being cute and funny and clean at home and start spending your afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of sh*t.

Tennis Pro:
That's why I'll never marry.

Celia Hodes:
No, you just f*** the married, and then I have to watch it on video.

Tennis Pro:
I'm sorry.

Celia Hodes:
You're a big whore.

Doug Wilson:
It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and sh*t.

Heylia James:
Serious sh*t calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor.

Celia Hodes:
Here's the thing, I really want to f*** around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy Botwin:
I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you.

Nancy Botwin:
Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.

Lupita:
I don't smell with my coochie.

Celia Hodes:
[holds up a flyer] Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that.

Nancy Botwin:
"What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you *date* a mountain lion?

Andy Botwin:
Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.

Doug Wilson:
Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.

Andy Botwin:
Look kids, Chris is risen!

Andy Botwin:
Hey, what do you think is better "Jesus say relax" or "I'm to sexy for my Lord?"

The Candyman:
Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Andy Botwin:
Hey, Pants.

Nancy Botwin:
Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl.

Andy Botwin:
Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the a**hole?

Lupita:
The coffee table.

Nancy Botwin:
Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy Botwin:
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy Botwin:
Ok, now I pledge never to die.

Nancy Botwin:
Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy Botwin:
I paid for a full ounce, they f***ing cheated me!

Nancy Botwin:
They f***ing saved your ass from going to jail!

Ms. Greenstein - Attorney:
Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy Botwin:
I don't give a flying f*** if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.

Doug Wilson:
Don't look at me, I'm f***ed up on corn bread.

Nancy Botwin:
I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.

Celia Hodes:
Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?

Conrad Shepard:
Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Nancy Botwin:
I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Nancy Botwin:
You've made your bed, now f*** in it.

Doug Wilson:
How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?

Nancy Botwin:
I can't believe I trust you with my drug money. You're an idiot.

Doug Wilson:
I'm an idiot *savant*.

Celia Hodes:
You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus.

Doug Wilson:
I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks.

Doug Wilson:
We ask ourselves what would Georges Hamilton do.

Silas Botwin:
What? Why?

Doug Wilson:
The man slept with his step-mother when he was 12 years old, clearly he can do anything.

Silas Botwin:
Normal Newmans from normal town. You really believe we could keep this up for any serious amount of time?

Nancy Botwin:
This is who we are now. This is us.

Silas Botwin:
What if you had gotten a real job after Dad died and we could have skipped all this sh*t?

Nancy Botwin:
We would have to sell the house, move to a very different zip code. You and Shane would have gone to even lousier public schools.

Silas Botwin:
That doesn't sound so bad.

Nancy Botwin:
You probably still would have knocked up a girl, only this one maybe would have been blind instead of deaf, or missing a limb. You would have struggled with your grades, smoked weed, dropped out, gotten your G.E.D... Your brother still would have had rage issues. He would have lost his virginity to a skanky girl, or a skanky girl duo. He would have grown increasingly alienated, and ended up stabbing the mailman or my manager at the Gap. We would be in the exact same spot we're in now. [Shane walks in]

Silas Botwin:
Shane, if Mom would have worked at the Gap instead of selling drugs, do you still think you would have killed somebody?

Shane Botwin:
Probably.

Andy Botwin:
Things with wifey slowing down, huh?

Doug Wilson:
It used to be wild. I mean intense, but how do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? [short pause] How Andy, how?

Andy Botwin:
[cowering] I don't like this game anymore.

Andy Botwin:
[Andy tries to kiss her, she pulls back] Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were hitting it off.

Yael Hoffman:
We are.

Andy Botwin:
[Andy tries to kiss her again, she pulls back] Oh, I'm sorry, 'It's too soon since your lover died?'

Yael Hoffman:
No, I've been with many men. Helps to get over things.

Andy Botwin:
Good. [Tries to kiss her again, again she withdraws] Am I getting mixed messages here?

Yael Hoffman:
Look. You're adorable, but I'm not attracted to you. Sorry.

Andy Botwin:
Are you a chubby chaser or something?

Yael Hoffman:
No - just I like men. Someone big and strong. Someone who can grow a beard. You're pretty, and I could flip you like a pancake. You ask for permission instead of just slamming me up against a wall and f**king me until I come like a volcano. But - we can still be friends, right?

Andy Botwin:
He always did have a thing for pinata's. Did he ever hit you Nancy?

Nancy Botwin:
I'm not filled with candy.

Doug Wilson:
Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious Jesus freak. You know, your long skirt isn't long enough lady. I saw your fat ankles. Calf, right into ankle. Cankles!

[uproarious laughter from crowd]

Ann Carilli:
That's it!

Citizens:
Cankles! Cankles!

Ann Carilli:
That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned.

Doug Wilson:
Cankle b*tch!

[more outbursts from angry crowd]

Man in crowd:
Cankle b*tch!

Doug Wilson:
Cankle b*tch!

Ann Carilli:
How dare you?

Councilman:
Rude and vulgar.

Doug Wilson:
You too. Man cankles! Mankles!

Celia Hodes:
Can we have a word?

Doug Wilson:
Yeah, sure. How about "Die"?

GPS:
You have arrived at your destination, the route guidance is now finished.

Celia Hodes:
Thank you for guiding me to the f***ing post-apocalypse.

Drunk Homeless Man:
-Looks into car window...

Celia Hodes:
Yes, wonderful. Richest country in the world. Glad to see you're taking advantage of the opportunities offered!

Lupita:
I'm sorry about your car.

Celia Hodes:
Do you know who hit me? Is she one of your maid friends? What's her name?

Lupita:
I don't know, we just call each other "maid friend."

Andy Botwin:
[stoned] I'm glad that our last name isn't Drew. 'Cause then you'd be Nancy Drew and I'd be Andrew Drew.

Nancy Botwin:
Heylia, Conrads talking to me. and he's not supposed to.

Heylia James:
You pushed him out of your hooch, you can push him out of your house.

Nancy Botwin:
We're gonna be a family if I have to kill all of you!

Celia Hodes:
So what about "Celia Hodes: It's Time For Change."

Pam:
And then we show a big clock, and like instead of numbers, there are nickels and dimes and quarters. Get it? "Time for change." Isn't that cute?

Celia Hodes:
Yeah, that's retarded.

Pam:
That is not very nice. I have a nephew who's retarded and he has to wear a helmet.

Sanjay:
[leaving a message] Uh, Nancy. Hi, it's Sanjay. I thought you might wanna know that the bakery... is on fire. Okay. Bye.

Peter Scottson:
Checking for monsters?

Nancy Botwin:
What? Oh, no. I can't find my shoe... sandal, it's a sandal.

Peter Scottson:
So I'm guessing no breakfast

Nancy Botwin:
No, I'm not really a breakfast person. I have to have coffee in the morning, but after that I'm good till lunch, usually. Sometimes I have a bagel arround 10:30.

Celia Hodes:
No-no-no-no no, no, that's grownup juice, not for you.

Isabelle Hodes:
When can *I* have some grownup juice?

Celia Hodes:
When you have a daughter who drives you to it.

Silas Botwin:
You didn't tell me she couldn't sleep over. C'mon, Nancy.

Nancy Botwin:
[irritated] Stop calling me Nancy! My name is *Mom*. Or 'Mommy Dearest'...

Director:
What seems to be the problem?

Celia Hodes:
The problem is that they don't know how to style my daughter. Why is it that all you gay men hate women SOOOO much?

Director:
Because we have mothers like you.

[to the hair stylist]

Director:
Okay, you, the hair. Security, the mother.

Celia Hodes:
I beg your pardon.

Director:
I want her off my set.

Celia Hodes:
Control freak.

Director:
Horror show.

Isabelle Hodes:
[gleefully] I love show business.

[Heylia, Nancy's supplier, is having Joseph, a member of the Nation of Islam, or black Muslims, over for dinner with herself and Vaneeta. Vaneeta does not like Joseph... ]

Joseph:
[to Vaneeta, while serving himself some greens]... Your hostility hangs thick in the air. What's troubling you? [he passes the greens to Vaneeta]

Vaneeta:
You, comin' 'round here with your holier-than-thou bullshit! "We don't eat this, we don't do that! [Heylia take the bowl from Joseph] We like our women dressed like f***ing bee-keepers!"

[Heylia slams the bowl down in anger, then glares at Vaneeta]

Joseph:
Your hostility hangs thick in the air. What's troubling you?

Vaneeta:
You coming round here with your 'holier than thou' bullshit. WE don't eat this, WE don't do that, WE like our women dressed like f***ing beekeepers.

Celia Hodes:
Who's the hottie?

Nancy Botwin:
My carpenter, Conrad. Conrad, this is Celia.

Celia Hodes:
Hello, carpenter. Do you want to see something? [Celia begins to lower her shirt revealing her tattoo]

Nancy Botwin:
Celia, you have to stop flashing your b*obs to the world -

Conrad Shepard:
Oh, speak when spoken to.

Dimitri's partner:
[the guys are playing Do her/Don't do her with Nancy and Jill. One of them stands up, walks towards them and points Jill] Do her

Dimitri's partner:
[Then point Nancy] Don't do her

Nancy Botwin:
[while Jill looks really happy behind her, Nancy says ironic] Oh no, I lost the rape contest

Bear:
Well, f*** me with a dictionary, Kid. Get beat up much?

Celia Hodes:
What's in the hole?

Nancy Botwin:
Mexico.

Celia Hodes:
[gasps]

Nancy Botwin:
You must never go there.

Silas Botwin:
[reading a t-shirt] "Chris died for your sins." Is that a joke?

Andy Botwin:
Yeah, on me. That's what happens when you outsource to f***ing Malaysia. 8-year-olds in a sweat shop can't spell for sh*t.

Silas Botwin:
Maybe she's not dead - maybe she's just injured.

Shane Botwin:
Maybe she was just injured before mom pulled the automatic pool cover over her head.

Tennis Pro:
I think I better get going.

Celia Hodes:
No, sit your skinny ass down. You're a good listener.

Tennis Pro:
Thank you.

Celia Hodes:
F*** you. How 'bout another round?

Conrad Shepard:
One day we gonna all retire to some beach house in the Caribbean.

Keeyon:
Til some wrath of God type sh*t happens, and washes everything away in a tidal wave like those poor f***ers in Indonesia.

Nancy Botwin:
Judah, if you're still here, I tried.

Nancy Botwin:
Judah, if you're still here... I tried.

Isabelle Hodes:
They called me Sh*t Girl. I had to throw away my underwear in the woods.

Celia Hodes:
[11 year old Isabelle steps on scale] You've been sneaking food.

Isabelle Hodes:
I haven't. I swear.

Celia Hodes:
Well, then Congratulations. You must be pregnant.

Celia Hodes:
[after Isabelle replaced Celia's diet pills with Imodium AD because of the whole laxative thing] I'm a little backed up. A lot backed up. I haven't sh*t in 3 days. I'm like a bloated, African, famine baby...

Dean Hodes:
Wow, could it be Newton's third law of motion, or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Celia Hodes:
What are you talking about?

Dean Hodes:
Karma, baby!

Celia Hodes:
F*** you and your Karma.

Dean Hodes:
Fine, sh*t on my theory. Oh, but wait - you can't! I guess that makes me right, huh?

U-turn:
Thug means never having to say you're sorry.

Nancy Botwin:
Wash your hands. All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin-eggs for breakfast.

Andy Botwin:
Right. Cause' then they'd want them every day.

Two-Strikes:
I remember when he was just a wanna-be. We popped our car jacking cherries together.

Nancy Botwin:
He taught me how to drive by.

Nancy Botwin:
Holy crap! What the... What is this? Who would do this? Pennies?

Sanjay:
This is cold.

Nancy Botwin:
Cold? Try evil and f***ed up!

Sanjay:
It's a commuter college, there's a lot of displaced anger here.

Nancy Botwin:
Displaced on my car! F***ING COMMUNITY COLLEGE LOSERS!

Sanjay:
Hey, it's a state school.

Nancy Botwin:
Shut up.

Doug Wilson:
[Talking with Andy about Mar?a, who he reported to Immigration] She wouldn't f*** me, but she f***ed you, hmm.

Doug Wilson:
[Looks at Andy] So f*** her, and f*** you!

Terrifically Carol:
[Nancy is ordering a gift basket by phone to be delivered that night, because it's Silas' birthday. She's talking to the operator] Now, what would you like the card to say?

Nancy Botwin:
[Nancy doubts for a while] Mmmm, Dear Silas: Happy Birthday. Happy 18th Birthday... Um... Don't write "um"... I think you're an amazing son. I'm so proud to be your mom... "Be your mom". Jesus, that sounds like bullshit, doesn't it? [She laughs] Um... [Ironic] Dear Silas: If you never see me again, I've probably been murdered. Enjoy the dried apricots and butter cookies.

Terrifically Carol:
[Interrupts Nancy] The Sterling Celebration doesn't come with butter cookies, but if you like to add them, I certainly can do that.

Nancy Botwin:
[Anoyed while Carol is still talking] Yeah... can you stop talking for a second? Could yoy please be quiet and listen? Just listen.

Terrifically Carol:
[after an awkward silence] I'm listening.

Nancy Botwin:
Starting over. Dear Silas... umm... thank for raising yourself these past 18 years. You... you've done a great job.

Terrifically Carol:
[Silence. Nancy looks really sad, thinking about where she's going and the choice she've made] Ms. Botwin? Are you okay, Ms. Botwin?

Nancy Botwin:
[Nancy cannot speak. She tries to a few times, but can't. Says no with her head] Silas... you are loved. Me. Signed it "me".

Terrifically Carol:
Just "me"?

Nancy Botwin:
Yeah, "me". No, "mom". "Me, mom". Please get that for him tonight. Thanks, Carol.

Terrifically Carol:
You take care, Ms. Bowtin.

[Andy is speaking to Shane about masturbation... ]

Andy Botwin:
All right, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. HAHAHAHAHA!

[Shane stares blankly]

Andy Botwin:
Your little body's changing, and it's all good, believe me. Problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted, sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So, first order of business: no more socks. They're expensive... gumming up the works, plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, 'But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?' Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning. That eliminates the need for a goo glove. But the day is long, masturbation's fun... so unless we wanna take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues: perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick to your dick head like a f***in' Band-Aid. Ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flak-catchers. Specifically bananas. Step one, peel the banana. Step two, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave - not TOO hot... serious yowza. Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance... invest in some soon. All right, moving on... when you tug your Thomas on the toilet, [spitting sound] shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the Raised Sceptre of Love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function... also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right, class dismissed.

[Shane starts to leave]

Andy Botwin:
Hey...

[Shane stops, and Andy tosses him a banana]

Andy Botwin:
Homework.

[Nancy is having a drink in a restaurant with Peter the DEA agent after he has revealed to her that he knows she is a marijuana dealer, but he's OK with it]

Nancy Botwin:
What if this is just all an act you put on to nail dealers...

Peter Scottson:
...Take them to dinner and profess my love? That's how I took down the Santiago brothers.

[while attempting to join in with her daughter at boot camp, Celia loses her balance and falls. All the other participants gather around her... ]

Celia Hodes:
[to Isabelle] He bullied me into this...

Ricardo:
No Ricardo's fault...

Celia Hodes:
[protesting] I went through Chemo...

Older Woman #1:
Hah, I went through Chemo...

Older Woman #2:
Oh, me too...

Celia Hodes:
Yeah? Well I had radiation.

Older Woman #1:
I had radiation.

Older Woman #2:
So did I.

Celia Hodes:
...Plus I'm low blood sugar...

Older Woman #1:
...Type I Diabetes...

Older Woman #2:
...Type 2 for me...

Celia Hodes:
[frustrated] Oh, f*** you both...

Older Woman #1:
[gently pats Isabelle on her shoulder] Sweetheart, don't worry... your Mom's gonna' be just fine.

Isabelle Hodes:
[looks at her] Please! That b*tch'll out-live us all.

Celia Hodes:
I heard that...

Isabelle Hodes:
Good! [turns to the others and claps her hands twice] Alright, pip, pip! We're here to exercise, not here to stand around. Come on! [runs back to the group, leaving her mother still lying on the ground]

Nancy Botwin:
Talk to Shane about jerking off.

Andy Botwin:
I'm all over it!

Esteban Reyes:
[over the phone, after canceling their date] Tomorrow night. You'll eat lobster, and I will eat - you.

Nancy Botwin:
[with determination] Yes, you will.

Andy Botwin:
Hey Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the a**hole?

Lupita:
The coffee table.

Celia Hodes:
Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Shane Botwin:
Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Celia Hodes:
Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

Shane Botwin:
I really don't care what they think.

Celia Hodes:
Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.

Shane Botwin:
Really?

Celia Hodes:
Really. I've recently stopped giving a sh*t what anyone thinks, and I gotta tell you, I feel great.

Shane Botwin:
But you have cancer.

Celia Hodes:
And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So either we can feel all self-concious and pretend that everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane Botwin:
Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia Hodes:
For what?

Shane Botwin:
For telling me the truth.

Celia Hodes:
You're welcome. It's a b*tch, though, ain't it?

Celia Hodes:
[about her upcoming mastectomy] I'm really gonna miss my babies. We had some good times together.

Nancy Botwin:
After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new - better! You're gonna have the tits of a nineteen-year-old girl.

Celia Hodes:
I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy Botwin:
Bigger?

Celia Hodes:
Really big. Like freakshow big. 47-triple-Fs. SO large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy Botwin:
Andy, today, it was brought to my attention today that the downside of this business is death, so right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery. I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygeine school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy Botwin:
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy Botwin:
[laughs] Now I pledge *never* to die.

Andy Botwin:
This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Erma the Faith Healer:
Would you like me to smell you next?

Nancy Botwin:
No, thank you, I was... smelled yesterday.

Heylia James:
[on the two disparate ways a suburban house and a ghetto house are attacked] Sh*t, white folks get soda pop; n*ggers get bullets.

Celia Hodes:
I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy Botwin:
Bigger?

Celia Hodes:
Really big, like freak show big: 47 triple F's. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy Botwin:
The boys asleep?

Andy Botwin:
Yeah. And it's totally freaking me out. Shane's sleeping on my old Star Wars sheets. Silas found one of Judah's Playboys from 1979 under the mattress. Candy Loving on the cover, Dorothy Stratten centerfold. It's beautiful. I'm having jerk-off flashbacks. My old stains... are still on the wall.

Nancy Botwin:
My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. I'm thrilled.

Doug Wilson:
Nobody likes your wife. You don't even like her.

Silas Botwin:
Why do you have a home pregnancy test?

Nancy Botwin:
D-do you *want* me to kill you?

Nancy Botwin:
[about Megan being pregnant] How did this happen?

Silas Botwin:
You don't wanna hear it.

Nancy Botwin:
Oh, but I really do.

Silas Botwin:
If I had to bet on it, I'd say it was three weeks ago in my room. Doggy style. When I pulled out the condom was gone. Megan has really strong muscles, must've sucked the thing right off.

Nancy Botwin:
Ah-ahh. Stop, stop, stop.

Silas Botwin:
You asked. You want to be the cool Mom.

Nancy Botwin:
No. No, I don't. There are a million things in this world I want to be. 'Cool Mom,' nowhere on that list.

Silas Botwin:
[Megan shows her the pregnancy test; positive] Well, I hope Grandma's on that list.

[Celia and Nancy are having a disagreement about Nancy's half-hearted work on Celia's campaign for City Council]

Celia Hodes:
...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic...

Nancy Botwin:
That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.[starts for the door]

Celia Hodes:
[with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it?

Nancy Botwin:
I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home.

Celia Hodes:
Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans fat...so...tell me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy...

Nancy Botwin:
[not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia...

Celia Hodes:
Aren't we friends?

Nancy Botwin:
I just wanna' go!

Celia Hodes:
[disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend!

Nancy Botwin:
[gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia!

[Nancy turns to leave. As she walks away, Celia reaches out, grabs Nancy's hair from behind and gives it a hard tug before letting go]

Nancy Botwin:
[turns around totally shocked, yells] What the f*** are you doing??

Celia Hodes:
[grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend!

[the two begin to twirl in a circle, Celia pulling Nancy's hair while Nancy grabs Celia's arm trying to make her let go]

Nancy Botwin:
Oww!! Let go of my f***ing hair...

Celia Hodes:
Be my friend!!!

Nancy Botwin:
[nearly frantic] Let go of my f***ing hairrrr!

Celia Hodes:
[just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherf***ing friendddd!!!!!

Nancy Botwin:
Owwww!!![when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door] Your insane!

Celia Hodes:
[lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

[the two women glare at each other in mutual shock for a moment, then Nancy walks out]

Pam:
[in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!

Nancy Botwin:
Is he gonna be okay?

Dr. Bertner:
Is he a dancer, professional athlete or foot model?

Nancy Botwin:
None of the above.

Dr. Bertner:
He should lead a normal life.

Nancy Botwin:
Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Dr. Bertner:
You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them.

Andy Botwin:
[on morphine] Must find toes.

Nancy Botwin:
Oh, Conrad, well - where are the toes?

Conrad Shepard:
The dog ate 'em.

Nancy Botwin:
The dog ate 'em.

Dr. Bertner:
Well that's that.

Nancy Botwin:
When's he gonna be able to go home?

Dr. Bertner:
He have insurance?

Nancy Botwin:
Oh, no.

Dr. Bertner:
He can go home now.

Andy Botwin:
[Outgoing voice mail message] Hello phone caller, this Andrew, Andrew Botwin. It pains me we couldn't make this instant human connection. Leave a message and while you do it, imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing.

Nancy Botwin:
[Leaving message] Andy, this is me. Got a little delay, I'm on my way now. Thinking you probably don't have cell reception where you are, so you probably won't hear this before I reach you. But, it's making me feel better and preventing me from killing Celia, at the moment. Oh, yes, I forgot to open with that. Celia Hodes is sitting next to me in the car, all the way from Agrestic. How did she get here? I don't know, but when I hear the unbelievably stupid reason that comes out of her mouth, I'm going to f***ing kill her!... So, there may be a dead body in the car when I get there, that's just a heads up. I'll be there soon. Oh, and your outgoing message is creepy, please change it. [Hangs up]

Nancy Botwin:
I got what the world would call a normal, boring job. I wake up in the morning, get dressed, drive myself to work, put on a nametag... take my brain out of my skull and place it in a drawer. I spend the next 9 hours smiling at people, pretending to be interested in their happiness, tolerating the company of my coworkers... staring at the clock. At the end of the day, I take my nametag off, open the drawer, reach for my brain, plop it back inside, walk to the employee parking lot, drive myself home and it's really, really... really boring. Looks like I'm going to be doing it for a long, long time.

Shane Botwin:
I like the way it feels. Like a knife popping the same balloon over and over. Only you don't have to blow up a new one. I can make the pain go away any time with a pill... but I don't want to.

Shane Botwin:
If we picture Agrestic as an aeroplane; a grand soaring jet carrying us through the sky. I think you all need to understand, there are motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane.

Doug Wilson:
[Celia knocks on the door] Celia! To what do I owe this horror?

Skating referee:
If you can catch me, you can f*** me.

Andy Botwin:
Yeah, I'll get my skates.

[Doug is suddenly shown taking Jil from behind]

Doug Wilson:
Is this real-life?

Jill Price-Gray:
No. You're dreaming. Now go harder.

Andy Botwin:
It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life that women are gifted unto me, seemingly, with very little effort on my part and at a certain point after the ludicrous bounty, you have to finally wonder why? Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? Debatable. More likely it's cause of this-karma. I motherf***in' earned it. I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago, 49 lives ago a parasite on a sea cucumber, worked my way up from there paying my reincarnitory dues-coral, an ear wig, a sewer rat, a grackle, Ginny foul, clown fish, ocelot, eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, but like a shitty small dog, failed immediately by PARVO or K-9 SIDS, monkey, monkey down to otter, monkey chimp AND then finally human, BUUUUT, oops F***, I'm a child sex slave and I live in a whale. But, in all these incarnations, I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. So, thus, after an endless series of short, oft, brutal lives... I was finally, finally, FINALLY born as me... Andrew Botwin-effortless receiver of tail. It's just a theory, of course, but if it's not biology and it's not karma then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on-and that would mean God basically-and I would have to rethink, well, everything.

Tara Lindman:
The Lord wants me to sell pot, Ms. Botwin.

Celia Hodes:
I want to be part of the team, one of the cool kids! What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?

Conrad Shepard:
There ain't nothing for you to "do" but collect your rent every month.

Celia Hodes:
Oh, sure. Everyone gets to have fun except me. Well, f*** that sh*t! I am here to kick ass!

Conrad Shepard:
Who's ass?

Celia Hodes:
Whoever gets in my way! Come on, let me do something fun. Come on. Please? I'm on a real high, here, do not bring me down!

Conrad Shepard:
Okay, Gangster Barbie, I will figure something out

Celia Hodes:
You'll see, I'm good. I'll be ready, I will not disappoint you, I'll be a great soldier!

Conrad Shepard:
I'm sure you will. Hold this?

Celia Hodes:
Helping Daddy, aren't I? Hahahahaha!

Celia Hodes:
I want to be part of the team, one of the cool kids! What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?

Conrad Shepard:
There ain't nothing for you to "do" but collect your rent every month.

Celia Hodes:
Oh, sure. Everyone gets to have fun except me. Well, f*** that sh*t! I am here to kick ass!

Conrad Shepard:
Who's ass?

Celia Hodes:
Whoever gets in my way! Come on, let me do something fun. Come on. Please? I'm on a real high, here, do not bring me down!

Conrad Shepard:
Okay, Gangster Barbie, I will figure something out

Celia Hodes:
You'll see, I'm good. I'll be ready, I will not disappoint you, I'll be a great soldier!

Conrad Shepard:
I'm sure you will. Hold this? [Hands over pliers]

Celia Hodes:
[Playing with fliers] Helping Daddy, aren't I? Hahahahaha!

Doug Wilson:
I can't go to prison. There's no sushi in prison. Unless you count dick!

Cesar:
[Nancy and Cesar are in the kitchen. She's eating a boild egg and he's watching her. The door bell rings, like a barking dog, and Sucio enters the kitchen] Sucio is going to watch you now.

Sucio:
[Looking at Cesar] Where's the dog?

Cesar:
[Looks at Nancy] Eating egg.

Emma Karlin:
[Andy is holding Emma at nailgun point, making her get into his van. Emma thinks is ridiculous, but gets in the van anyway] It's not like you are going to do anything anyway. Not in broad daylight.

Andy Botwin:
[Andy smashed the door hard after her, stars yelling out loud to the people on the street] Hey, I'm murdering somebody! Killing them. It's bad. Bloody. Does anybody care? No? Living your myopic lives? Okay, cool. [People don't even look at them]

Andy Botwin:
[Turns to Emma, siting on the van] See, nobody's pressing pause on their iPod for you.

Heylia James:
[to U-Turn] Your grandmamma always said you was a bad seed. Now look at you, a full grown sh*t-weed.

Nancy Botwin:
[having just heard from Doug that he was having an affair with Celia] Celia?

Doug Wilson:
The cock wants what it wants.

Andy Botwin:
[steps out of the line] Ah... Sergeant Bilko? Hi, I'm in the wrong place. The promised me a desk j...

Sergeant:
Who the hell gave you the permission to break rank, you flaccid little dick?

Andy Botwin:
Yeah, I just want to make sure...

Sergeant:
They promise everybody a desk job, you useless twat!

Andy Botwin:
Yeah... I have eight toes...

Sergeant:
I got four d*cks! You better fall back in line before I use one of them to f*** you up the ass with!

Andy Botwin:
I'm not going to Iraq to fight in some bullshit war about oil money.

Doug Wilson:
Bullshit war? What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists?

Andy Botwin:
We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug, and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center.

Doug Wilson:
Well, they both have sand.

Andy Botwin:
Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He's a war criminal, and now I'm supposed to be one of his disposable thugs with a f***ing target on my head in the middle of the desert, waiting to be blown up by a car bomb rigged by a 12 year old who loved Friend and Metallica until one of our missiles blew up his house, I don't think so!

Doug Wilson:
Well... whatever. [grabs a key from the drawer and stands up] Look, I've got a lotta' sh*t to do...

Andy Botwin:
You name me one thing you have to do that's more important than the corporate takeover of our democracy!

Doug Wilson:
[holding up the bathroom key] I've gotta' take a sh*t.

Andy Botwin:
They want to send me to Iraq, Lupita.

Lupita:
Bye.

Heylia James:
[talking about Conrad beating up a campus security guard] Who you think done it? The f***-you-up fairy?

Andy Botwin:
Do you think there is rat spit in here? Like plague rat spit. Are we smoking plague?

Doug Wilson:
No, no, fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe, sterilized.

Shane Botwin:
[while Peter and Nancy hum the UM theme] We visited my dad's grave today.

Peter:
[stops] Oh. I--

Shane Botwin:
You married?

Peter:
Uh. No.

Shane Botwin:
Why not?

Peter:
It's...complicated.

Shane Botwin:
Are you a fag?

[Nancy kicks Shane under the table; Silas laughs]

Nancy Botwin:
Shane!

Shane Botwin:
What? It was just a question.

Doug Wilson:
What did they give you?

Celia Hodes:
Zofran.

Doug Wilson:
Let me try one.

Celia Hodes:
No, they're $300 a pill!

Doug Wilson:
I'll give you 400!

Celia Hodes:
They don't get you high, it's just for nausea.

Doug Wilson:
Wow, $300 a pill and no fun? What a gyp.

Andy Botwin:
Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blah's you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up. And blah blah blah.

Silas Botwin:
[while arguing whether or not to mercy-kill Bubby] Yeah, sure. Death is no big deal. Because life is just... blah, blah, blah.

Andy Botwin:
Look, Silas. Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for Blah, and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out, and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah.

Silas Botwin:
[sighs] Alright. Let's do this.

Shane Botwin:
[to Andy] That was good.

Andy Botwin:
I have my moments.

Andy Botwin:
Life is just blah, blah, blah.

Silas Botwin:
Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy Botwin:
Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah...

Shane Botwin:
Time heals all wounds, well, I guess not all wounds.

Shane Botwin:
[to Andy] You'll be fine. Time heals all wounds... Well... not all wounds.

Nancy Botwin:
Since when do you plan to live in Denmark?

Andy Botwin:
Since forever. That's my Moscow; my shangri-la, my Pittsburgh, my candy mountain. Have you never read any Russian literature, you uneducated woman!

Doug Wilson:
Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth.

Nancy Botwin:
[On the phone with Andy] Do we have our passports?

Andy Botwin:
Uuuuh, slight bend in that river.

Nancy Botwin:
What? Do we need more money?

Andy Botwin:
No, we need Shane.

Nancy Botwin:
What?

Andy Botwin:
We have to kill somebody.

Doug Wilson:
Who? Celia? That c*nt can lick my balls!

Andy Botwin:
[getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.

Nancy Botwin:
[a phone call wakes her up] Hello?

Rudolpho:
I have your friend.

Nancy Botwin:
What? Who is this? What friend?

Rudolpho:
Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.

Nancy Botwin:
Celia?

Rudolpho:
Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.

Nancy Botwin:
How Van Gogh.

Rudolpho:
What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it!

Nancy Botwin:
That's too early for this, we're really not friends.

Rudolpho:
Okay, $30,000...

[Nancy hangs up]

Nancy Botwin:
It's so wonderful wonderful.

Andy Botwin:
What?

Nancy Botwin:
You once said that to me.

Nancy Botwin:
You know the rules..

Josh Wilson:
One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.

Celia Hodes:
[Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.

Isabelle Hodes:
Did you see my kick?

Celia Hodes:
Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.