WKRP in Cincinnati

[after an elderly couple has broken into the DJ booth]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
All right, you two, up against the wall! I don't what you want but you should know I've killed a lot of old people in my time. And I'm not above doing it again.

Bailey Quarters:
Have you noticed all the men in Landersville are going bald? I wonder if there's a nuclear power plant in the area.

Andy Travis:
It's a good thing I had an extra pair of jeans in my office.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Do you have enough money to feed yourself?

Les Nessman:
Yes.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I don't, can you loan me some money?

Les Nessman:
No.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Can you loan me some food?

Jennifer Marlowe:
Mr. Craven I would like to ask you a question about the phone company.

Wayne Craven:
Well that's what I'm here for, fire away.

Jennifer Marlowe:
You know the phone company won't give you a specific time when they'll come to install your phone. You have to wait all day long. Like most people, I work and can't take the whole day off.

Wayne Craven:
Uh-Hunh.

Jennifer Marlowe:
So Saturday is the only day I'll be here. But because so many other people have the same problem, you can wait up to two, three weeks or more for service.

Wayne Craven:
That's correct.

Jennifer Marlowe:
Could you tell me why that is?

Wayne Craven:
Of course, it's like that because we don't have any competition.

Les Nessman:
Last night at that house, did anything happen?

Jennifer Marlowe:
I met a lady whose car I have to replace and I discovered we have a sex pervert in the neighborhood.

Les Nessman:
No, I mean did anything unusual happen?

[Venus is showing off his flashy wardrobe]

Venus Flytrap:
I only came downtown to have one of my suits serviced.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I'll bet a suit like that stays in the shop most of the time.

Venus Flytrap:
I got suits I can't get parts for.

[Newscast from opening credits]

Reporter:
And the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.

[at a record store hosting a WKRP remote broadcast]

Herb Tarlek:
Del, goshdarnit I've got to go, but if you need anything, anything at all, I'll be in my car somewhere.

[Johnny is lying to keep from being beaten up by a big thug named Dave]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I'm Andy Travis, glad to meet you, (pointing to the real Andy Travis) that's my brother Randy and that's old Venus of course.

Venus Flytrap:
Of course.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
[referring to Dave] We don't know who the mountainoid is.

Dave:
Name's Dave.

Venus Flytrap:
[Fever runs into the booth and hides behind the coat rack] What are you doin', man! I'm on the air!

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Herb Tarlek is selling life insurance!

Venus Flytrap:
Oh, no! Close the blinds before he sees us!

Andy Travis:
[Walks into the booth] What have I told you guys about goofing off when one of you is supposed to be on the air?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Herb Tarlek is selling life insurance!

Andy Travis:
Oh, no! [slams the door and hides with Fever]

Les Nessman:
[saying that Bailey shouldn't produce the show] This isn't the Ohio State School of Journalism, this is the big time.

Herb Tarlek:
It's bad luck to take advice from a crazy person.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Les Nessman:
[repeated sign-off line] This is Les Nessman saying good day, and may the good news be yours.

[repeated line]

Les Nessman:
Oooo!

[repeated line]

Herb Tarlek:
Okay fine.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
[Showing Les how to ask Jennifer for a date] This is how you do it: What do you say, beautiful, you and me getting it together tonight. You only go around once in life, so why not grab a little gusto?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
I don't like "little" gustos, Herb.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[Andy has instructed Venus and Johnny to take some albums to the transmitter and go on the air from there] Well, go get those albums!

Venus Flytrap:
Need I remind you that the cops are gonna search every inch of this place? Including your desk drawer?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[panicked, running to the bullpen] I'll get those albums!

Jennifer Marlowe:
[answering phone] WKRP. [pause] Will you hold on please, the man you want to speak with is right next to me. [turns to Andy] Andy, he says he's from Black Monday.

Andy Travis:
[tense, hushed... Jennifer covers mouthpiece] Get on another phone and call the police. Keep them on the line. [takes receiver] Hello, this is Andy Travis. [pause] Well, we all have our problems, may I tell you mine? [pause] I have two DJ's out at the transmitter, and I can't reach them. [pause] Well, I guess it doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anybody now, does it? [pause] All right, all right, just slow down. [pause] You wanna tell me where you put the bomb? [pause] You wanna tell me why you did that? [covers mouthpiece and turns to Herb, hushed] Go and tell Jennifer that the bomb is inside a tool box.

Herb Tarlek:
Tool box? [Andy waves him away, Herb runs off]

Andy Travis:
[returns to caller] No, no, no, I'm listening. [pause] We're all guilty [pause] , I understand.

Venus Flytrap:
[visibly shaken] The... the bomb was at the transmitter! [hushed, running to bullpen] I was almost killed... at the transmitter...

Jennifer Marlowe:
[Jennifer checking her watch while on the phone patch with Madigan] Andy, it's 3:30.

Andy Travis:
[smiling... monitor speaker is still playing music, confirming that they're still on the air] The bomb... I KNEW IT!

Jennifer Marlowe:
[talking to Madigan on phone] Do you see anything... [monitor speaker suddenly drops from music to static] officer? [tears start forming in Jennifer's eyes]

Andy Travis:
[quietly] It's an old transmitter... it breaks down all the time. [Jennifer's head drops and she begins to cry] [hushed] The bomb? [Jennifer nods... a shaken Andy walks slowly back to his office, in stunned shock]

Bailey Quarters:
[Andy and Bailey are standing in the WKRP studio as Andy prepares to break in to warn Johnny and Venus of the bomb at the transmitter] Andy, I need to tell you...

Andy Travis:
Look Bailey, I know it's unprofessional... but they're not answering at the transmitter.

Bailey Quarters:
Andy...

Andy Travis:
[into microphone] We interrupt this broadcast for a special emergency announcement... this is Andy Travis calling Venus [throws mike and its boom up in frustration]... I'm not on the air!

Bailey Quarters:
[rushed] I tried to tell you, studio-transmitter link's only one way!

Andy Travis:
[confused] What?

Bailey Quarters:
[slower] I said... the studio-transmitter link is only one way... until they throw the switch, the studio is dead!

Andy Travis:
Well, that's dumb! Who set that up?

Bailey Quarters:
You did... it was cheaper that way [Andy rolls eyes at his own poor judgement] .

Bailey Quarters:
[on the phone] Now how can we announce that we are off the air when we are off the air?

Andy Travis:
[frantically, after the transmitter has blown up] Where is Venus? Where is Venus?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
[out of breath] He's... He's...

Andy Travis:
He's what?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
...parking the car!

Dr. Johnny Fever:
[running past Jennifer's desk] You didn't see me! You didn't see me!

Les Nessman:
[after the bomb has destroyed the transmitter] Johnny, Venus, you're alive?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
The newsman's eye, you just can't fool it.

Les Nessman:
[Sadly] That's wonderful?

Venus Flytrap:
Gee, thanks Les.

Les Nessman:
Of course, I'll have to update my story.

Venus Flytrap:
Story!

Les Nessman:
How'd you like it Andy?

Andy Travis:
How'd I like what Les?

Les Nessman:
My 4 o'clock news report, didn't you listen?

Andy Travis:
Les, the transmitter blew up.

Les Nessman:
Of course, that was my lead.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Wait a minute, you lead off your newscast by telling them that we were off the air?

Les Nessman:
I can include that in my update.

Andy Travis:
Listen, Herb, does this big-shot 60 Minutes Insurance Company pay off its claims?

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Sure, ever since Mike got 'em the second time. [Carlson tosses his insurance forms back to Herb, unfinished]

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.

J. Garrett Hopkins:
Les, your friend is a twit.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[Fever has taken the form of The Ghost of Christmas Future and explains to Mr. Carlson what happened to his fellow co-workers] One by one, you sort of forced all of them to quit. Bailey runs a television station in Chicago now. Andy is training guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company, Upwardly Mobile. Jennifer got married and bought herself a whole island off the coast of Sardinia. And Les Nessman, Republican Wimp of the United States Senate.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
And what about you and me? Uh, Fever and me.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Well, Fever just sort of disappeared. There were rumors of course, but not much else.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Hi, Hy.

Dr. Hyman Monroe:
Hi.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Hy...

Dr. Hyman Monroe:
Hi.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Hy... maybe I should just call you Dr. Monroe.

Charles Tillman:
Mr. Carlson, you can't even run a small radio station!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
What?

Charles Tillman:
[laughing] WKRP? Ha!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[to Barry] He just said I can't... [now to Tillman] Listen, buddy, I run that station and I work hard at it! What's more, I'm there everyday, I'm not off getting drunk, Tillman!

Barry Schifrin:
Do you have an answer to that accusation, Mr. Tillman?

Charles Tillman:
[panicked and stammering] No... no comment.

Wendel Brooks:
I'm for busing. I'm for busing every single communist and communist sympathizer in this country back to Russia!

Barry Schifrin:
Mr. Tillman...

Charles Tillman:
You can just call me Chuck, Barry.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
It is my opinion that many of the women in your organization are seriously overweight.

Les Nessman:
If Edward R. Murrow, my idol, were here, he'd say, "That's censorship!" On the other hand, if General George Patton -- my other idol -- were here, I think he'd take a battalion of tanks, and knock those liberal pinheads into the Ohio River! [pause] So, as you can see ... I'm a very confused man. [walks off]

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
I don't want to argue the point any further, but I would like to express one other thought that occurs to me.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
Surely.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Bob, watch out for those broadcasters that cave into your... pressure, because principle's not going to mean a darn thing to them. All they're going to be doing is saving their swimming pools. Ah, they'll be the first ones to come and sit at your table. But I think the good ones are going to be the ones that are willing to take a loss and put up a fight.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
Well then, I'll just have to love my enemies, Arthur, like the good book says.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
I hope so. Because I don't think you'll be able to trust your friends.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
Goodbye, Arthur.

Andy Travis:
I suppose in the meantime, you're going to lose money for a principle?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Hey, Travis, when it comes to losing advertising clients, these bozos don't know who they're up against.

Andy Travis:
I'm going to fight them tooth and nail.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
I know you are.

Andy Travis:
If all else fails, I might set Les Nessman on them.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Boy, that could signal the end of organized religion as we know it.

Andy Travis:
Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "There's a naughty word!"

Dr. Bob Halyers:
[Mr. Carlson is asking whether a certain song is suitable or not for airplay] "Imagine there's no heaven / It's easy if you try / No hell below us / Above us only sky... Nothing to kill or die for / And no religion too... Imagine no possessions... Imagine all the people sharing all the world." That sounds like Communism to me. If there's no heaven, no religion and I assume no God.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
There's not an obscene word in here.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
Not the way I see it.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Go on your list?

Dr. Bob Halyers:
Arthur, this is typical of the kind of secular liberal humanist point of view that gluts our airwaves.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Yeah. But we're not talking obscenities here anymore, Bob. We're talking about ideas, political, the philosophical ideas. First you censor a word and then you censor the ideas.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
But the idea is man-centered, not God-centered. The Bible tells us to put our reliance in God, not in our fellow mortals. Arthur, this song says there's no heaven.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Ah, no, it says just imagine there's no heaven.

Dr. Bob Halyers:
That's blasphemy.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
On the list or not?

Dr. Bob Halyers:
I have no choice but to say "on."

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
That decision was made by one man!

Venus Flytrap:
Hey man! How's that gonna sound? [Cups hand over ear on goes into announcer voice] We'll be right back to the music right after these important words about Death!

Andy Travis:
OK, let me ask you this. Can't we do a cheap-o commercial? I mean, hire professional musicans, but maybe, sing the jingle ourselves?

Venus Flytrap:
Can anyone around here sing?

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Any jerk can sing. These are the copy points that you gotta work in to it. OK, now: A: All weather floral arrangements.

Venus Flytrap:
What does that mean?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
That's a plastic flowers.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
B: Maintenance-free artificial turf.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Plastic Grass.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
C: They accept all major credit cards.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
That would be your plastic money.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Plus, six convenient locations, open weekends, all night hot line, group discount rates and free parking.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[Mr. Carlson has just discovered the nude photos of Jennifer] Where did you get those?

D. Arnold Gonzer:
She posed for them.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
No, she didn't. I know she wouldn't do that.

D. Arnold Gonzer:
Then it's her word against mine. And besides, pictures don't lie.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
What are you gonna do with those pictures?

D. Arnold Gonzer:
I'm gonna sell them. That's what I do for a living. I sell pictures.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Are you gonna sell those pictures to some cheap girlie magazine?

D. Arnold Gonzer:
No, I'm gonna sell them to the Catholic church.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, I'm warning you, if you get those pictures published, I'm gonna have my Lawyer all over you AND DON'T THINK I WON'T!

D. Arnold Gonzer:
I don't think so. I got the lady's release form right now. Look, pal. I've doing this for years. I know all the ins and outs, what's legal, what's not legal. I'm no amateur. I've been waiting for the big one and this little lady is it. It's like those Marilyn Monroe pictures. Playboy built an empire off of them. Those photographs are like gold.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
I'm the one responsible for her coming here in the first place. [pauses] No. No, this isn't right.

D. Arnold Gonzer:
But what are you gonna do about it, huh? You can't do nothing. Now go home.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[a recap from the previous episodes which plays at the beginning of this one] This photographer of Herb's choosing somehow got nude photos of our Jennifer.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
How nude is she?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, she's uh, nude nude.

Venus Flytrap:
Isn't that against the law?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Apparently not. The leases were signed, the Attorney says that we can fight it, but the pictures are probably gonna get published no matter what happens.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
I suggest we Watergate.

Venus Flytrap:
Are you nuts? Breaking and entering is a felony!

Andy Travis:
We get caught, we could go to jail.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Yeah, and that's the part of the plan that I don't like.

Quentin Stone:
Excuse me a minute. Are you on the air here?

Venus Flytrap:
On the air? I am the air! I'm the wind!

Officer Plyler:
You keep drinking.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Okay, but I'mm not gonna get drunk.

Officer Plyler:
Oh, yes, you are too. You'll see.

Venus Flytrap:
He's from Mars, officer. Whiskey does not affect alien beings.

Venus Flytrap:
[Bailey is worried because Johnny hasn't shown up] Easy!

Bailey Quarters:
I am easy!

Venus Flytrap:
[caught off guard] Really?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
You got some coffee here?

Del Murdoch:
[speed-talking] Coffee we got it yeah not just for you either. Customers get the same treatment you'll see it's the kinda guy I am just don't touch anything though this is very important just don't touch the merchandise!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Uh-huh. Speed kills, Del.

Bucky Dornster:
Take it up with my union.

Del Murdoch:
Union! I don't want any trouble with unions I hate unions however I'm all for 'em don't forget I said that.

Bucky Dornster:
Speed kills, Del.

Bucky Dornster:
[Walks out of storeroom] Excuse Me. [Walks past Bob]

Bob Burnatt:
Hold it right there, pal.

Bucky Dornster:
[Turns around] I'm sorry, I'm on lunch break.

Bob Burnatt:
Freeze! [Points gun at Bucky]

Bucky Dornster:
[Turns back] OK. Go ahead and shoot. But you're gonna have to answer to Engineers Local 601 if I don't get my lunch.

Bob Burnatt:
[Turns to Johnny] Is he right? Is he in 601? [Johnny nods]

Bob Burnatt:
Well, I don't want any trouble with the unions, especially that one. I guess it's "Bon Appetite!" [Bucky turns and leaves]

Blood:
[the three members of Scum of the Earth have entered the dressing room, where Andy, Johnny and Venus are waiting for them] I suppose you've heard that the three of us have decided that we're not going on this evening.

Andy Travis:
[going toe to toe with the band] Right. The three of us have decided that the three of you ARE going on this evening. [Everyone looks at Johnny]

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[sighing] Rock and Roll. [joins Andy and Venus]

[the band members have just thrown the bellboy out the window]

Blood:
What floor are we on?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Ground floor.

Blood:
Pity!

Sir Nigel Weatherbee:
Actually, we're not a punk rock group.

Blood:
No. Punk rock is passe. We play hoodlum rock. It's several cuts below punk rock.

Venus Flytrap:
What's the difference?

Blood:
Well first of all, punk rock groups dress deplorably. And secondly, they don't usually physically attack their audiences.

Venus Flytrap:
And you dudes do?

Sir Nigel Weatherbee:
Come to the show and find out.

Andy Travis:
We need a band that's going to go along with our rock'n'roll format.

Steve Pievy:
I do have one act. They *must* be a rock and roll band. Their name's "Scum of the Earth".

Andy Travis:
[excited] You book Scum?

Steve Pievy:
Not as a rule.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Hey Big Guy, have you ever heard a Scum record?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
This may amaze you, Herb, but no.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Yeah well, I wrote down the lyrics to one called "Love is Murder", you wanna hear it?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
What choices do I have?

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Yeah. [reads] "Love is murder, murder is love, I'm a rock'n'roll hoodlum with a black leather glove. Knock me down, baby, step on my face, I'm a fool for ya baby, let's blow up this place." Kinda catchy, huh?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Hey, ya oughta come out and see this, they're spraying the audience with a fire extinguisher!

Sir Charles 'Dog' Weatherbee:
[Johnny's been charged with babysitting the band] They sent YOU here to watch us?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Uh-huh.

Blood:
Well who watches YOU then?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Nobody, I'm a responsible adult.

Sir Nigel Weatherbee:
We're not responsible, we're irresponsible!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
I think you're boring!

Blood:
We're NEVER boring. Watch this... [knocks over a lamp]

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
I take it back, you're FASCINATING.

T.J. Watson:
[T.J. has arrived at Jennifer's apartment and has rung the doorbell, which plays the first 13 notes of "Fly Me To The Moon"] What the hell is THAT?

Venus Flytrap:
[Carlson is talking with Venus in the control room the night after the tragedy, as he is on his way to the memorial service] Are we going to go back to playing supermarket music?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[softly] No, Venus. We're a rock and roll station, and that's where we're going to stay.

[turns to leave]

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Good night, Venus.

Venus Flytrap:
Good night.

[final lines... cut to epilogue denoting tragedy over camera shot of window overlooking outside downtown area]

Les Nessman:
Steel, is it?

Steel Hawthorne:
Yeah, Steel Hawthorn.

Les Nessman:
That's a nice name.

Steel Hawthorne:
Thanks. I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?

Les Nessman:
What is an executrix?

Herb Tarlek:
It's something to do with high-heels and a whole lotta leather. Something like that.

Venus Flytrap:
[Venus is dressed as a 'soulful' Santa... walking through the bullpen, singing] I'm dreaming... of a wh... wh... wh... JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Do you know how hard it is to find a two-pound turkey?

Andy Travis:
[Andy has fired Doug after discovering his history of payola to support a drug habit] I want you out of here.

Doug Winner:
[turning to Carlson] Mr. Carlson, I...

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[gently but firmly] I think you'd better go, son.

Doug Winner:
[angry as he opens the door to Carlson's office to leave] You know what? You're all a bunch of small-timers anyway!

Andy Travis:
[knocks doorknob out of Doug's hand, forcing the door closed... holds his hand out] Where's the coke?

Doug Winner:
I don't know. I guess Carlson puts it on his feet.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[Doug leaves and Andy turns to Carlson, stunned] Good heavens! I've lost all the feeling in my left foot! [stomping his foot on floor] For the love of Pete, Andy, I'm hooked!

Andy Travis:
No, you're gonna be fine!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[beating frantically on his foot with his shoe] I've got a monkey on my foot!

Doug Winner:
[dials phone in studio after Johnny leaves] Murray, this is Winner. [pause] Hey I don't care what time it is, we had a deal! [pause] Now I better see you up here today or you can just forget it!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[seeing baggie of cocaine in studio] What's that?

Doug Winner:
[Johnny turns to Doug, seeing if he'll tell the truth] YOU tell him. You're dying to.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
It's... uh, foot powder, Mr. Carlson.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Foot powder, huh? [takes baggie] Not much there.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
It's REALLY potent. A little goes a long way. This is where the concept of 'happy feet' originated.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[removes shoe] I get these odor-eaters, supposed to last me six months? These suckers turn on me in 15 days. [looks at Doug] Can I get some of that?

Doug Winner:
To put on your feet? [nods to Carlson, who leaves studio... Doug, angry, now turns to Johnny] Man, that was 600 bucks worth of coke!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Tough luck!

Doug Winner:
[nervously] So... what do you think he'll do with it?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Hey, Carlson's no fool man! [smiles] He's gonna put it on his feet!

Andy Travis:
[Andy has called Doug Winner into Carlson's office to fire him] Are you doing coke?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh ease up, Travis. I have a little coke every now and then.

Andy Travis:
I think we're going to have to fire Doug Winner. Remember when I told you he was giving some songs too much play? I talked to him about it. He said fine, but he didn't stop.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
You don't supposed that kid's on the take, do you?

Andy Travis:
I'm afraid so... I made a couple of calls, and it checks out.

Les Nessman:
You wanted to see me?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, uh, yes, of course we do, Les. Uh, look, would you just sit down right over here please, right here in the chair, 'cause Herb has something that he wants to tell you. C'mon Andy, let's go.

Andy Travis:
No, you and I should both stay.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Okay, uh, Herb, you uh, you tell him.

Les Nessman:
Les, Jennifer's a guy!

Andy Travis, Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[simultaneously] WHAT?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
[after Herb fell off the ledge] I saw Herb this morning.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
How is he?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Oh, he's a little doped up, but he'll be fine.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Same here.

Les Nessman:
The doctor says that Herb can go home in a week.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
I know, I saw him too.

Les Nessman:
Did he seem all right to you?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
As well as can be expected.

Les Nessman:
Well, I think he must have hit that net head-first. He kept asking me the same question over and over again. This is pretty complicated, but he wanted to know: if a guy dates a girl who used to be a guy, but isn't anymore, what does that make the guy who dates the girl who used to be a guy? [pause, Jennifer looks at Johnny]

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
That's a toughy.

Bailey Quarters:
[to Johnny, about the 'win a date with a DJ' contest] Look at all this mail, you can't back out now! Venus, you talk to him.

Venus Flytrap:
Sure. Hey, Johnny man, it's no big deal. See, all you have to do is pick out a lady, and the station picks up the tab for the whole night!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Forget it!

Venus Flytrap:
C'mon man, I've done it before and I've always come out with a fox!

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Yeah, I've done it before too. I always wind up with a warthog!

Venus Flytrap:
You just got to know how to pick 'em, brother! Lemme see some of those cards, Bailey. Now, listen to this. "I'd like a date with a DJ because my mother always said I was clever and a good conversationalist." Not good.

Bailey Quarters:
No wait a minute...

Venus Flytrap:
[tossing the card] Trust me. [reads another] "I've always wanted to find out what's behind that sexy voice I hear every night." Heh heh. This is what we'll call the "A" pile. Now. "I don't know if it's against the law in Ohio, but what I'd really like to do is..." [pause] No, that's the "B" pile. *This* is the "A" pile. [tucks the card into his jacket]

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Hi guys!

Andy Travis:
Oh, what's your sign?

Venus Flytrap:
You live around here, mama?

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Want a little action, sugar?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Well, Les, don't you have an opening line?

Les Nessman:
[Looks uneasy, then sits down an picks up a drink] Hi, I'm extremely wealthy.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Ooh.

Mama Carlson:
Mr. Travis, are you responsible for the strange sounds I heard emanating from my radio this morning?

Andy Travis:
I am.

Mama Carlson:
Well, explain yourself!

Andy Travis:
Well, I *like* the sounds you heard this morning.

Mama Carlson:
Young man, this radio station is a business. It is not for your personal listening pleasure.

[about changing the format of the station]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Ah, listen, you, you do mean *now*?

Andy Travis:
Yes. And... you can say "booger" if you want to. [he leaves]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Well, it's good-bye to the elevator music! [gleefully flings an old record off a turntable and replaces it; then hesitates, looking at the playing record] Do it! [scratches the old record off]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get *down*! Now, you got Johnny... Doctor Johnny Fever, and I am burnin' up in here! Whoo! Whoo! We all in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, because I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50,000 watt intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!"

[starts Ted Nugent's "Queen of the Forest", then puts on his sunglasses]

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I almost forgot, fellow babies..."Booger!"

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Boogerrrrrr!

Andy Travis:
Sunshine. Haven't I heard of you?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
You're not a cop, are ya?

Andy Travis:
[shakes his head] Johnny Sunshine... Johnny Sunshine! I remember, yeah! It was Los Angeles in the late 60s, Johnny Sunshine Boss Jack! You were uh, you were very hot, man.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Yeah.

Andy Travis:
Something happened there though. Station fired you for some reason.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Well, I'll tell you something, baby. They all fire ya sooner or later.

Andy Travis:
Yeah, I know, but this was something that you uh, something you did.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Yeah, well, we all do things, right?

Andy Travis:
Uh-huh. It was something that you said.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Yeah. "Booger."

Andy Travis:
What?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I used the word "booger" on the air.

Andy Travis:
That's right!

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Yeah. I was making about a hundred grand a year out there. Then one day I said "booger," a bunch of bozos call the station, next thing I know I'm in Amarillo hosting a garden show.

Andy Travis:
Mrs. Carlson, rock and roll is where the money is.

Mama Carlson:
How much money?

Andy Travis:
Well, I think we can break even the first year, the second year I think...

Mama Carlson:
Second year? I'm talking about now!

Andy Travis:
Well, these things take time, ma'am. We break even the first year, the second year we clear maybe $800,000 after taxes...

Mama Carlson:
Too little and too late!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Too little? Mama, that $800,000 is *profits*, not losses!

Mama Carlson:
I can sell the station for five times that amount right now! I want a faster turnaround!

Andy Travis:
Ma'am, well, I hate to say it, but I... I personally cannot work that way. I guess I am fired.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
No, wait a minute! Mama look, you've been on my back for years to turn a profit here. Now when I'm finally getting started, you want to dump the station! Let me tell you something, if he goes, I go!

Mama Carlson:
What?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
That's what I said!

Mama Carlson:
Arthur, you've never spoken to me that way before!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Yeah, well. Uh, do you like it?

Mama Carlson:
I hate it! But it's the first time I've seen any sign of backbone in you.

Les Nessman:
[about the protesters] Mr. Carlson, as news director of this station, I demand to know what's going on here.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well, your worst fears have been realized, Les. That group out in the lobby? They're Cubans.

Les Nessman:
Oh, no...

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Yep, it's a plot. I think the Red Chinese are behind it.

Les Nessman:
Somehow I always thought we were safe from that sort of thing here in Cincinnati.

Protesters:
[chanting] Heck, no! We won't go!

Buzzy Milker:
Let's go chase the Hare Krishnas out of the airport again!

Buzzy Milker:
[leering at Jennifer] I'm not as old as I look.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
[amused] Really? Are you any richer than you look?

Andy Travis:
Got any ideas?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
No, I try not to have any ideas. They only lead to complications. Suppose I give you a great idea. Let's suppose that this great idea works and the station actually starts making a lot of money. Do you know what that can lead to, Andy? Memos. Before you know it, assigned parking spaces. Then chrome furniture, and lots of paintings of wistful children with big eyes. Believe me, I've seen it happen before!

Andy Travis:
All right, don't get all shook up, you don't have to help.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
But don't you see? No one should!

Andy Travis:
[Andy has finished putting the list of conditions for Little Ed to continue his broadcasts]... no merchandise of any sort.

Rev. Little Ed Pembrook:
But I got a whole warehouse full of that stuff! I have more than 600 units of "The World is Coming to an End" lawn furniture alone!

Andy Travis:
Why do they call him "Little Ed"?

Venus Flytrap:
Because his wife is Big Ed!

Les Nessman:
Well I'm shocked.

Bailey Quarters:
I'm amazed.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
I'm stunned.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well, I guess everything's normal here.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Visitors will be very impressed until they talk to someone.

Bailey Quarters:
[to Herb] Continuity is so important, thank you for always being a jerk.

Les Nessman:
[Ivan is flirting with Bailey after a press conference on Soviet pork production in Cincinnati] Let's just stick to pigs, comrade.

Ivan Popasonaviski:
[still locked in a gaze with Bailey] Press conference over, Howdy.

Ivan Popasonaviski:
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Lillian 'Mama' Carlson:
[after Andy leaves, Mrs. Carlson tastes her coffee, and is pleasantly surprised] Hirsch, this coffee is delicious!

Hirsch - Butler:
We have company, Madam. When it's just you and me, I make it a little bit differently.

Lillian 'Mama' Carlson:
Mr. Travis, you've been a naughty boy, haven't you.

Mama Carlson:
[Andy has informed Mrs. Carlson that the staff has voted down the union... as Andy gets ready to leave]... and I won't forget about our deal.

Andy Travis:
Better not.

Andy Travis:
These things take time.

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
Spoken like a true, crypto-fascist, puppet of the managerial elite. Travis, I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

Andy Travis:
Well, I like looking at myself in the mirror.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well Herb, what do you think? What we have here is a commercial for Soul Suds shampoo, a shampoo which is exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I correct?

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Yes, sir.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Then why are we looking at the picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
[stepping over to the tour group] I learned some Japanese during the war. [addresses them in Japanese; the tour group put up their hands, looking at each other]

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[recounting his boyhood experience with a tornado] God... must... HATE... mobile homes! - They get VERY mobile!

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
[as the men carry a dazed Travis away from a window shattered by the tornado] You are NOT supposed to MOVE an INJURED person!

[they stop, look at each other, and carry Travis back]

Jose Rodriguez:
Somewhere in Cincinnati, a bunch of chiropractors from Ecuador are being led around by Akiro Yamaguchi!

Jose Rodriguez:
[referring to the Japanese] In my opinion, these people are not Spanish.

Jose Rodriguez:
You see? In my country it would be a fistfight!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Here, Les. Read the disaster plan.

Les Nessman:
But, Mr. Carlson, the disaster plan doesn't say anything about tornadoes. It's for what to do if we are ever attacked by the Russians... or Chinese!

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well... Just read the plan and wherever you see the word "Russian" substitute the word "tornado!"

Les Nessman:
[into the microphone] Citizens of Cincinnati, we are being attacked by the godless... tornadoes!

Les Nessman:
I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is...

[passers-by gawk at Les]

Les Nessman:
The... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way!

Andy Travis:
A helicopter?

Les Nessman:
It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H A P P Y... T H A N K S... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... Those can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
You want me, Mr. Carlson?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
No, thank you.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
I don't take dictation.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here?

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, yeah.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
You have to draw the line somewhere.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
You got that right.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Will there be anything else I can do?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
No. I think that about does it.

Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe:
Thank you.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh, no. Thank you.

Les Nessman:
How does she get away with that?

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Are you kidding?

Venus Flytrap:
What do you suppose he's up to?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Carlson? I don't know. You should have been here for the big wig promotion.

Venus Flytrap:
What happened?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Well, naturally, it didn't work, and we ended up with a warehouse full of wigs. Carlson, he couldn't figure out how to get rid of 'em until the Guatemalan earthquake.

Venus Flytrap:
Say what?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
Well, the Red Cross called out, you know, for blankets, clothes, anything. So Carlson, out of the goodness of his heart, shipped these destitute earthquake victims in Guatemala three thousand blonde stretch wigs. You know, I still have this picture in my mind of quake victims stumbling through the rubble - all looking like Dolly Parton.

[Les walks in, looking dazed]

Venus Flytrap:
Les! Are you okay?

Les Nessman:
I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered but, some of them tried to attack *me*! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that.

Venus Flytrap:
[to Andy] *How* is it strange?

Andy Travis:
Yeah, right. Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.

Les Nessman:
[freaked out] I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack! It was almost as if they were... organized! [Mr. Carlson comes out of his office]

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

Bailey Quarters:
Should we give away Boston t-shirts or Foreigner t-shirts?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Boston. Foreign stuff shrinks.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
[Mr. Carlson is inspecting Johnny in the DJ booth while Pink Floyd's "Dogs" is playing, specifically the section with the barking dogs] Gripping music, ain't it?

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Yeah, it's good. What is the name of this orchestra?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
It's Pink Floyd.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Oh. Is that Pink Floyd? Do I hear dogs barking on that thing?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I do.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
They're good, aren't they? [Picks up the Animals album jacket] There's something on here that's called "Pigs On The Wing". What does that sound like?

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I don't do requests.

Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson:
Well, keep up the good work.

Dr. Johnny Fever:
I'm giving it all I've got.

Mama Carlson:
Dr. Fever, in every business, there are not pluses and minuses, but pluses and pluses... but only if the minuses are played correctly. [Fever looks at Mama Carlson, bewildered] You don't understand, and I don't expect you to...

Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella:
[interrupting] No. No, I understand. This is so deeply warped that even I can make sense of it. KRP is not supposed to make money! We're set up to lose! That's our job.

Andy Travis:
[Andy and Venus have just showed up at Mama Carlson's house, and both are drunk. Venus is holding Andy up] Mrs. Carlson... I'm tired of your crud!

Venus Flytrap:
Yeah! [falls to floor]

Andy Travis:
And I've got three things I want to say to you... number two... [falls to floor]

Mama Carlson:
[reading to Andy the summary of a report prepared by a programming consultant she has hired to suggest format options] WKRP's Top 40 audience is at its peak. The sound quality of the AM signal cannot compete with FM stations. If WKRP is to remain profitable in the long run, we suggest switching to a non-music format... all news.

Andy Travis:
Well, I'm sorry... I don't know anything about programming an all-news station.

Mama Carlson:
That's why I hired Mr. Von Sanker.

Les Nessman:
What is Venus doing for the Army, Andy?

Andy Travis:
[after several fake looks around to see if anyone is listening, he whispers the answer to Les] he's peeling potatoes.

Venus Flytrap:
All right my children. This is WKRP in Cincinnati with more music and Les Nessman

Major Hunter:
[pointing to Carlson, who came along with Venus for moral support] Who's he?

Venus Flytrap:
[straightfaced, bringing Carlson forward] My father.

Les Nessman:
When someone plays mind games with Les Nessman, they're walking on thin ice.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
[Mr. Carlson has just called his son to his office after talking back to Venus] Well, he knows that's he's not supposed to be picking on little white kids!

Venus Flytrap:
[lunging at Herb] How about BIG white kids?

Andy Travis:
This is Venus Flytrap.

Arthur Carlson Jr.:
You're black!

Venus Flytrap:
[feigning shock and fear] I am? Oh, no!

Arthur Carlson Jr.:
We didn't have any blacks at Prussian Valley!

Venus Flytrap:
[calling after Carlson and his son as they walk away] That's 'cause there ain't no blacks DUMB enough to go to a place called Prussian Valley!

[turns to Johnny Fever]

Venus Flytrap:
Yo man, how come you didn't tell me I was black?

Arthur Carlson Jr.:
[less pays Arthur Carlson Jr. to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him] She says that you're obtuse.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
[reading dictionary] Adultry... Admire...

Les Nessman:
Let me see that. [takes dictionary away from Herb] Obtuse...

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
[snatching dictionary back from Less] Addle-minded!

Les Nessman:
[snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
[Herb attempts to snatch dictionary, but Less slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!

Bailey Quarters:
[entering] Hi, guys.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Oh, hi, Baily. Met Carlson's son?

Bailey Quarters:
Yes. I've had the pleasure.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Well, he's guite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Arthur Carlson Jr] Tell your dad I said that.

Les Nessman:
[excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looking offended] That's an insult!

Bailey Quarters:
Less, take it easy.

Les Nessman:
Take it easy!

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
Yeah. Just calm down, okay?

Les Nessman:
Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end!

Bailey Quarters:
Cool off, Less.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.

Les Nessman:
I am too.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
No. You're not.

Les Nessman:
[Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
No. You're not.

Les Nessman:
Yes. I am!

Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek:
You're not!

Bailey Quarters:
You guys! You are both addle-minded!

Les Nessman:
Thank you, Baily.

"As God is my witness...I thought turkeys could fly!"-Arthur Carlson