The Golden Girls, Season 4

Sophia:
[to Blanche] Beat it, you fifty year old mattress!

Fidel:
Blanche was right! She said you were incorrigible.

Sophia:
I guess I deserved it. I always say she's a cheap slut!

Fidel:
My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time, I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country... until you-know-who showed up.

Rose:
Who?

Dorothy:
Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.

Sophia:
Who would've thought Blanche would date someone that long in the tooth?

Rose:
I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was! [leaves]

Dorothy:
You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.

Sophia:
I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Blanche:
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

Sophia:
You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!

Blanche:
Of all the nerve! How could he possibly think I'd continue seeing him?! Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!

Sophia:
Or a pizza.

Blanche:
And what does THAT mean, you wrinkled old crow?!

Sophia:
It means Fidel is interested in more than a cheap thrill, he also wants a mind!

Blanche:
Oh yeah?!! Well, we'll see about that!

Sophia:
You're on, baby!

Blanche:
[to Fidel] Midnight for dessert.

[Fidel leaves]

Rose:
[perplexed] Dessert at midnight???

Sophia:
There's always room for Jello.

Blanche:
[walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.

Sophia:
And I regret the day I gave birth to you!

Dorothy:
Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.

Sophia:
Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!

Blanche:
I need a cheesecake!

Woman at Fidel's Funeral:
I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room!

Dorothy:
He was never with me!

Woman:
I guess even he had his standards.

Dorothy:
[reading the attendance] Jim Shu? [double takes and looks again] Jim Shu? Oh, I get it. Gym shoe, very funny. [Asian man stands up]

Man:
Excuse me, I am Jim Shu.

[Dorothy realizes her mistake]

Dorothy:
I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were pulling my leg!

Man:
I don't think I can drink that much sake!

Blanche:
Oh, why would Fidel want another woman? After all, he's dipped his toes in the lake known as Blanche.

Blanche:
[confronting Fidel about the other woman] What is it? Is she younger? More attractive? More desirable?

Sophia:
[coming out from behind Fidel] You got two outta three, Blanche.

Blanche:
Well, its just breaking my heart. I never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santadamingo.

Dorothy:
[corrects her] Santiago.

Blance:
Oh whatever. The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other...even if I don't speak Mexican.

Dorothy:
Spanish.

Blanche:
WHATEVER!

Sophia:
Hey, you got any decent nectarines?

Supermarket Stocker:
There's nothing wrong with those nectarines!

Sophia:
Please. I've got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are!

Supermarket Stocker:
You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!

Sophia:
No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!

Woman at Supermarket:
Sophia?

Sophia:
No, César Chávez. I got hungry.

Blanche:
[after telling a story about a man she once dated who had large, floppy ears] By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportional to the size of his other... bodily organs?

Rose:
[puzzled] What do you mean?

Dorothy:
He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.

Blanche:
So when the waiter brought my order, he set down a big bowl of gazpacho right in front of me, and I said, "I ordered the consomme'." He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy." And I said, "I'll give you something spicy," and I poured the gazpacho right down his pants.

Dorothy:
So you never went out with him.

Blanche:
No... just slept with him. He wasn't my type.

Rose:
Oh my goodness, Blanche, how could you?!

Dorothy:
Oh come on, Rose, she's just teasing you.

Blanche:
That's right, honey, I'm just teasin'. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank. Actually...

Dorothy:
Blanche!

Dorothy:
Now look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.

Rose:
Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.

Dorothy:
Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

Blanche:
There's only one thing for me to do. I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again, and I don't care what amount of seducin' it takes. But, as God is my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched, and pleaded with me to go to bed with him. [leaves the kitchen]

Sophia:
You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.

Dorothy:
Ma, what are you doing?

Sophia:
I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill, what do you think? It's hot as hell in here!

Dorothy:
Close it before the food spoils.

Sophia:
OK. [closes robe]

Dorothy:
I meant the refrigerator!

Dorothy:
Morning, Rose.

Rose:
[cries and goes into kitchen]

Blanche:
Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel!

Sophia:
Look Rose, God doesn't make mistakes, we were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the 20's.

Rose:
[preparing her bio] I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.

Sophia:
Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Sophia:
Which of you brothers has custody of the brain?

Dorothy:
I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!

Blanche:
I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!

Sophia:
Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose:
God, I hate fog!

Sophia:
Why? You spent most of your life in one!

Rose:
I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.

Blanche:
What's Mount Losenbaden?

Rose:
It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.

Blanche:
Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?

Dorothy:
Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Dorothy:
[calling to Sophia at the front of the donkey-drawn wagon] How're you doing up there, Ma?

Sophia:
Fine!

Blanche:
Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?

Sophia:
Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!

Driver:
Thank you!

Sophia:
It's great bringing two idiots closer together.

Dorothy:
I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Blanche:
He fairly screams "Blanche"! Or at least he will before I'm through with him!

Sophia:
Congratulations, Rose Nylund. You are St. Olaf's woman of the year!

Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia:
Uff da!!

Blanche:
[to Fred, the repairman] Oh thank God you're here, this heat's driving me crazy!

Fred:
You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear!

Dorothy:
There's no old lady living... [looks through the kitchen window] MA!!! [runs outside]

Stan:
You see, babe, it's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.

Dorothy:
Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.

Rose:
At the counseling center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.

Dorothy:
Rose, I am not in denial.

Rose:
Oh, yes you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

Dorothy:
Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.

Rose:
If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial!

Dorothy:
Look, fluffhead, why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial. You are the one who said I was in denial and don't you deny it!

Sophia:
Stanley, Stanley, don't worry. I'm eighty-two years old. My bones are brittle, my muscles are atrophied. My circulation is worse than U.S. News and World Report. There's no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail!

Sophia:
These two [Blanche and Rose]are driving me crazy! They scratch the furniture, they eat food off the floor, and this one just coughed up a hairball!

Rose:
It wasn't a hairball, it was...

Dorothy:
Oh Rose, who CARES what it was! Now stop driving Ma crazy!

Rose:
Dorothy, our director said in order to prepare for our roles we must become cats. [to Sophia] That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn, and Blanche has been making those high-pitched squealing sounds in her room at night.

Dorothy:
You've been practicing for this role for a lifetime, haven't you Blanche?

Sophia:
[enters kitchen, crying] Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.

Dorothy:
Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?

Sophia:
[sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!

Rose:
Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Dorothy:
When is the funeral?

Sophia:
Wednesday.

Dorothy:
I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.

Sophia:
[leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!

Rose:
I guess the body was lost at sea.

Blanche:
Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?

Rose:
Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

Rose:
Don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?

Sophia:
Please, the last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow.

Sophia:
According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.

Rose:
Whose?

Sophia:
Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!

Rose:
Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.

Sophia:
Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.

Dorothy:
Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.

Sophia:
Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!

Dorothy:
Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.

Sophia:
Damn MCI.

Rose:
Blanche, I would be honored if you would be the first member of the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin'-Love fan club.

Blanche:
I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!

Rose:
Why should you be president?

Blanche:
Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.

Rose:
Well, so did I!

Blanche:
I have every album he ever recorded.

Rose:
So have I, and every single!

Blanche:
I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.

Rose:
[leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!

Dorothy:
Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.

Blanche:
Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!

Dorothy:
Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.

Blanche:
All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.

Blanche:
Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!

Sophia:
Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!

Blanche:
But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise: a genuine Elvis artifact!

Rose:
It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]

Dorothy:
[holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]

Blanche:
[unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.

Rose:
We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Blanche:
Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.

Dorothy:
Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?

Max:
You're little Dorothy Petrillo!

Dorothy:
That's right.

Max:
You haven't changed a bit! Same gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair...

Dorothy:
You have cataracts, don't you Mr. Weinstock?

Max:
[putting on his glasses] Since 1967.

Rose:
[seeing the Elvis impersonators] Uh oh. Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list or everyone in Max's family appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Rose:
Oh Dorothy, you're just cranky because you haven't had a cigarette in a while.

Dorothy:
Maybe a little, but I'll tell you the truth - I really think I'm over the worst part of it.

Rose:
That's great, I'm really proud of you. You think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in and then sheer exhilaration when you exhale smoke...

[Dorothy takes a deep breath, holds it in and then exhales slowly as though she were taking a puff of a cigarette.]

Dorothy:
No, not really, I've, I've found other ways to ease my tensions. Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan over there?

Rose:
[grabs saucepan] Sure.

Dorothy:
No, the one behind it, the really big one.

[Rose hands Dorothy the large saucepan. Dorothy takes the saucepan, puts it over Rose's head, and begins to beat on it repeatedly with her wooden spoon.]

Blanche:
You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit. This business was their dream, and they're going after it. I just wish I'd done that with my dream.

Dorothy:
Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.

Blanche:
Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?

Dorothy:
Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!

Rose:
Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
You want the pot again, Rose?

Dorothy:
[trying to convince the bodyguard at the thrift shop to hand over the aviator jacket with the winning lottery ticket inside] Look, if you don't mind, I would like to see this Michael.

Bodyguard:
You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]

Blanche:
OH! Do you know who that is?!

Sophia:
Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!

Rose:
Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!

Rose:
[after the girls lose the auction for the aviator jacket] I guess now I'll never get to fly on the Concord!

Blanche:
And I'll never get to buy that emerald pendant to dangle between my perky bosoms.

Sophia:
And I'll never get to buy perky bosoms.

Rose:
Tell her, Clayton.

Clayton:
I will, Rose.

Blanche:
Tell me what?

Clayton:
Well, I ran into Rose in the park and...

Blanche:
And?

Clayton:
And we had a long talk and....

Blanche:
And?

Clayton:
And....we slept together tonight.

Blanche:
Rose, honey, there's something I have to say to you. It's just two little words but, they are the hardest two little words in all the whole world for me to say.

Rose:
"Not tonight"?

Clayton:
I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.

Rose:
Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding and compassionate, and forgiving.

Blanche:
Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two-faced dummy!

Rose:
And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche:
Who's that at the door?

Rose:
It's me, Blanche.

Blanche:
The other side!

Stan:
I really have to run now. I'm fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine.

Dorothy:
Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.

Stan:
Neither did you.

[Sophia had just been hospitalized and Blanche returned to Dorothy and Rose with beverages]

Blanche:
Any word on Sophia?

Dorothy:
None. Oh, I hate waiting.

Blanche:
I hate hospitals.

Rose:
I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.

Dorothy:
Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me. Showed me that special part of himself.

Rose:
Right there in the waiting room?

Dorothy [looking disgusted] Not that part, Rose!

Rose:
Blanche, we can't let Dorothy ruin Stan and Katherine's wedding. I mean, it's selfish, it's adolescent and it'd put a real cramp in their honeymoon.

[Dorothy enters the room]

Blanche:
Rose!

Rose:
[continuing] For somebody who's supposed to be so smart, Dorothy's acting like a real goober!

[Dorothy notices, but remains silent as she walks towards Rose]

Blanche:
Rose...

Rose:
And don't think I won't be able to say that right to her face. 'Course, I'd have to stand on a chair!

[Dorothy puts a chair behind Rose as she laughs hesitantly]

Rose:
It's her, isn't it?

Stan:
Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.

Rose:
He's wearing a girdle?

Dorothy:
And padded shoulder.

Blanche:
And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.

Dorothy:
Bartender, give me another.

Bartender:
Come on, lady. You don't need another.

Dorothy:
Why not?

Bartender:
You've had three already!

Dorothy:
I said give me another!

Bartender:
Fine. It's your life. Just don't blame me if you get sick. [places a basket of popcorn on the table]

[Stan's fiancé, Katherine, enters the bar at the hotel where they're getting married.]

Bartender:
What can I get you, lady?

Katherine:
How about a shot of self-confidence?

Bartender:
Let me guess. You didn't come in here to drink. You've got a problem and need someone to talk to. Am I right?

Katherine:
That's right.

Bartender:
Then take a quarter and call a shrink. This ain't Cheers!

[Stan's fiancé, Katherine, is talking to Dorothy without realizing that the woman she's talking to is Dorothy, Stan's ex-wife.]

Katherine:
[about Dorothy] See, he's got this ex-wife.

Dorothy:
You better be careful what you say. I happen to be an ex-wife.

Katherine:
Not like his, I'm sure. No one's like her! She's superwoman. She was the perfect wife! Cooked, cleaned, had two kids, got an education, has never looked better, and now she has a career!

Dorothy:
That wasn't a marriage. That's a commercial for a mini pad.

Katherine:
Her name is Dorothy, and she's coming to our wedding. I mean, they're still friends! Listen to me. I'm so intimidated by a woman I've never even met.

Dorothy:
Well, that's understandable. I mean, she sounds pretty terrific. I bet she's gorgeous too.

Katherine:
No, the daughter had a nose job and she had her mother's nose. Evidently, it was a honker!

Katherine:
[on Stan] He's smart, he's funny... and the best lover I've ever had.

Dorothy:
You haven't slept around much, have you?

Jasper:
You're idiots. The only humor here is my own. It's your great stupidity. This picture no more echos Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen, and you will waste no more of my time. [turns and leaves]

Rose:
Oh yeah?!

Dorothy:
Go easy on him Rose.

[after giving blood to save Jasper's life]

Sophia:
Gee, you save a guy's life and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?

Sid:
[about the damaged roof] Yeah, I could patch it up for you, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.

Rose:
What are you trying to say, Sid?

Sid:
Really? You couldn't follow that?

Dorothy:
She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.

Dorothy:
[Blanche is trying to convince her not to use a favorite towel of hers to mop up the mess from the leaking roof] Blanche, please! I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold wet sand!

Blanche:
I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
You're lying, Blanche.

Blanche:
Damn you're good!

Dorothy:
[about football] Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.

Sophia:
Which is why Raymond Burr never married!

Sophia:
[entering the house with the football team] Make way for the victors!

Rose:
You won the big game?

Sophia:
[sarcastically] No Rose, we lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

Sophia:
Gin!

Blanche:
Sophia, we're playin' Hearts.

Sophia:
I know, I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.

Rose:
[to Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia] Were you three listening to our conversation?!

Dorothy:
Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.

Sophia:
They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Blanche:
[on Ernie] Impotent? Are you sure?

Dorothy:
Oh Blanche, what would you have done, asked him to prove it?

Rose:
[on Ernie] But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know... sex. I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything, but we have been dating awhile.

Blanche:
Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.

Sophia:
Words of wisdom from the human torch.

Rose:
If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships anyway.

Ernest:
You're right. I mean, what is sex, after all?

Rose:
Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.

Ernest:
You get all sweaty, and flushed.

Rose:
Your hair gets mussed.

Ernest:
You lose your breath.

Rose:
You lose your earrings.

Ernest:
[steadily turned on] Your mouth waters...

Rose:
[steadily turned on] Your nose runs...

Ernest:
...your heart races...

Rose:
...your blood races...

Ernest:
...Rose...

Rose:
...say it, Ernie...

Ernest:
It's time, Rose.

Rose:
[raises hand] Check, please!

Eddie:
I know I'm plain to look at, but everything I do seems to drive the opposite sex crazy! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens! The way I look at a woman, the way I make love to a woman, the way I kiss a woman, the way I make love to a woman.

Rose:
You said "make love" twice.

Eddie:
I know. It's my favorite.

Dorothy:
[explaining to Rose that her relationship with Eddie is purely physical] Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.

Rose:
What's under the sheets?

Dorothy:
His cappuccino maker. SEX, Rose! I am talking SEX! We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is TERRIFIC.

Rose:
Wow, all that and cappuccino too?!

Blanche:
I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.

Rose:
Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts too?

Eddie:
You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a "Dear John" letter.

Rose:
That's terrible, married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie!

Blanche:
[on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...

Dorothy:
Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?

Blanche:
[voice quavering] Yes!

Rose:
How did you know that, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

Rose:
You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.

Maitre' D:
[to Dorothy, Blanche and Rose, who have entered the dining room at the nudist hotel naked, and are shocked to discover that everyone else in the restaurant is clothed] Excuse me, ladies, we always dress for dinner here. And in your case, we'd appreciate it if you'd do that for all three meals.

Dorothy:
[in a flashback scene, chewing out Rose for booking them into a "clothing optional" resort for their Valentine's weekend getaway] Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend, stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours!

Rose:
I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.

Dorothy:
[reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!

[Dorothy, Rose and Blanche are in line at a pharmacy - flashback scene]

Blanche:
In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.

Rose:
What kind of protection?

Dorothy:
Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]

Rose:
A Nestle's Crunch?

Dorothy:
One over.

Rose:
An enema bag?

Dorothy:
To the right.

Rose:
Dentu-Grip?!

Dorothy:
CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

Cashier:
Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche:
There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.

Dorothy:
[grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.

Rose:
[looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.

Blanche:
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Cashier:
[speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.

Joe:
THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?

Cashier:
TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.

Dorothy:
Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we are off to a cabin in the Keys!

Sophia:
Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.

Dorothy:
Ma, you know that's not how it was!

Sophia:
You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!

Dorothy:
Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.

Sophia:
Great, I wanna go to Disney World.

Dorothy:
Then that's where we're going.

Sophia:
Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?

Dorothy:
That's right!

Sophia:
[to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!

Blanche:
Rose, will you stop being an idiot!

Dorothy:
So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.

Blanche:
That's blackmail!

Sophia:
That's show business.

Dorothy:
[to Rose, on the fantasy that Bob Hope is her father] I don't know whether to cry or commit you!

Dorothy:
You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.

Sophia:
You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Dorothy:
Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?

Sophia:
Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!

Rose:
What you need is faith.

Dorothy:
And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Rose:
I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.

Blanche:
Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.

Dorothy:
Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche:
Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?

Rose:
Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.

Blanche:
I am talking about my job at the museum!!

Dorothy:
Of course, you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.

Blanche:
Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?

Dorothy:
I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Blanche:
You know, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.

Dorothy:
4950--what is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?

Dorothy:
I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.

Rose:
Did Stanley have a head for numbers?

Dorothy:
Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.

Trudy:
Mrs. Petrillo, is that you?

Sophia:
No, it's Jane Fonda.

Blanche:
Oh, Dorothy, high school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine! I was the most successful person there.

Dorothy:
Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?

Blanche:
Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.

Dorothy:
Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.

Sophia:
[laughs]

Dorothy:
What, Ma?

Sophia:
Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.

Dorothy:
Why do you say I'm lying?

Sophia:
A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!

Rose:
Why, what happened?

Sophia:
I don't know, I'm that somebody.

Dorothy:
I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!

Rose:
Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.

Blanche:
Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?

Rose:
No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!

Blanche:
(begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...

Dorothy:
Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.

Blanche:
Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.

Dorothy:
I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."

Blanche:
Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---

Dorothy:
On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!

Blanche:
Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!

Rose:
Why?

Blanche:
Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.

Dorothy:
Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?

Blanche:
Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.

Sophia:
[bursting into Dorothy's room] Picture it! Sicily, 1852!

Dorothy:
Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.

Sophia:
What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.

Dorothy:
Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.

Sophia:
This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!

Dorothy:
Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?

Sophia:
That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!

Trudy:
[to Dorothy, after beating her at arm wrestling] How does it feel to have your butt whipped?

Blanche:
Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... [pauses when she notices everyone else looking at her strangely] Oh. You were talking to her.

Blanche:
I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment!

Rose:
Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there!

Sophia:
I got the director to change his mind.

Blanche:
[excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?

Sophia:
No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.

Blanche:
But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!

Sophia:
Welcome to show business.

Dorothy:
[making malted milkshakes for herself, Blanche and Rose] Didn't I tell you I used to work in a malt shop when I was in high school?

Blanche:
Soda jerk?

Rose:
No thanks, I'll have a malted.

Dorothy:
[rolls the dice, moves her game piece and picks a card from the center of the gameboard] How odd, I can either buy the library or the phonebooth in the center of town. I'll buy the library.

Rose:
If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.

Dorothy:
Why?

Rose:
People use the phonebooth.

Dorothy:
That's because you're hooked on these Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.

Sophia:
Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?

Dorothy:
[when Rose says she'd be too embarrassed at a rehabilitation center] Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

Sophia:
She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]

Sophia:
Sorry Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: Lie about pizza, and file a tax return.

Blanche:
Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.

Dorothy:
Blanche, you don't mean...

Blanche:
Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.

Dorothy:
Obviously you fell off the wagon.

Sophia:
And onto a naval base!

Blanche:
[on why her attempt to give up sex failed] Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urges. I was like a spring bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way!

Dorothy:
You were looking for some nookie.

Blanche:
Exactly.

Blanche:
Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!

Sophia:
I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?

Rose:
[about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.

Blanche:
Why is she coming here then?

Rose:
Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.

Dorothy:
Oh, she plays the flute?

Rose:
No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!

Blanche:
[on Dreyfuss, the dog] Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?

Sophia:
My guess is because he bought you dinner.

Sophia:
[meeting Holly] Who's this?

Rose:
Well, this is...

Holly:
Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!

Sophia:
She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!

Sophia:
Dreyfuss is gone.

Blanche:
He ran away?

Sophia:
No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!

Blanche:
But when?

Sophia:
I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10:15 today and late last Thursday.

Blanche:
You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?

Sophia:
I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.

Rose:
[Blanche has just come back from her appointment with the plastic surgeon who will perform her breast augmentation] Hi, Blanche. How was your appointment with Dr. Rosenzweig?

Blanche:
Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"

Rose:
What did he say?

Blanche:
Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."

Dorothy:
Ma, you cannot get upset over [losing] one pound.

Sophia:
Maybe you can't, I can. For fifty years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Blanche:
Mornin', Dorothy. Mornin', Sophia.

Sophia:
Who?

Yvonne:
[leads the girls' workout] Whirlybirds!

Women:
[imitate Yvonne] Whirlybirds!

Yvonne:
Jackhammer!

Women:
Jackhammer!

Yvonne:
Windshield wipers!

Women:
Windshield wipers!

Yvonne:
[suddenly stops and grabs her leg in pain while still hopping] Oh! Charley horse!

Rose:
[grabs her leg and hops] Charley horse!

Dorothy:
She has a cramp, you peabrain!

Dorothy:
I can't balance my checkbook. Ah, what the hell, I'm only off by a few pennies.

Sophia:
A few pennies? To you it may not be much, but back in Sicily, a few pennies could make the difference between owning a gun and having to insert bullets into your victim manually.

Blanche:
Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?

Dorothy:
Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.

Rose:
What movie?

Dorothy:
Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Blanche:
This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.

Sophia:
And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]

Sophia:
[seeing Blanche hold Rose in a dirty dancing pose] What they do is their business, but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind, it'll kill me!

Blanche:
Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love and I can't do it?!

Dorothy:
Relax Blanche, maybe standing up is what's throwing you.

Dominic:
Don't raise you voice at you mama! You know, you not too old for me to take you across my knee!

Dorothy:
You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are!

Dominic:
[laughing] That's my girl! You got lots of spirit, just like you beautiful mama!

Sophia, Philomena:
[in unison] Thank you.

Eddie:
I'd better get going. I've caused enough trouble.

Dorothy:
Look, Eddie, can't we see each other occasionally just as friends?

Eddie:
It won't work. It's like trying to eat one potato chip. Au revoir. Oh, hello, Sophia.

Sophia:
Hello, Eddie. Eddie, I never noticed that beauty mark on your neck.

Eddie:
What beauty mark?

Sophia:
That one! [Sophia jumps into Eddie's arms and starts kissing his neck]

Blanche:
Sophia! Sophia!

[last lines]

Sophia:
Now, this is what I call quality time.

(screaming)

[last lines]