Community, Season 2

Chang:
Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

Jeff:
Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?

[...]

Chang:
[growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!

[Annie, Troy, and Abed are about to break into an office]

Troy:
Annie, go back and keep lookout.

Annie:
Wait, why me lookout? Why not you guys?

Troy:
'Cause, if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.

Annie:
[flouncing energetically] You guys! I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [notices that the others are looking at her chest] Ugh! Go on your stupid mission. I hope it sucks. [she leaves]

Troy:
What did she say?

Abed:
I don't know.

Troy:
All I heard was "suck."

Shirley:
[excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?

Jeff:
Shirley, don't sue a stripper.

Shirley:
Why not?

Jeff:
She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.

Jeff:
[to Britta and Annie] Wow. You guys are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.

Duncan:
[watching Britta and Annie wrestle in oil] Now this is why I came to America.

Abed:
[about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?

Dean Pelton:
No. That is a job for some upstanding students who are training right now in the simulator simulator.

Leonard:
[sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

Jeff:
We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

Abed:
I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.

Duncan:
Now, everyone open your textbooks, because Abed has broken the internet.

[A cat frequently leaps, shrieking, through the air in front of Jeff, Abed, and Troy.]

Jeff:
What is up with that cat?

Troy:
Is someone throwing it?

Troy:
I'm a dracula.

Abed:
You mean a vampire?

Troy:
I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.

[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]

Troy:
Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?

Jeff:
'Cause you've been traveling all day?

Troy:
'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.

Annie:
[to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!

Abed:
Like RoboCop?

Britta:
Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

Britta:
[looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?

Abed:
That's mine.

Britta:
And Shirley's and Annie's?

Annie:
What is it?

Britta:
Charts. Some kind of calendar?

Abed:
That's my personal private business.

Britta:
[reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next: November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

Annie:
What?! Gross!

Shirley:
Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.

Annie:
Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.

Abed:
I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

Britta:
[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records. And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.

Jeff:
Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?

Troy:
Do they find thoughts in people's butts? I knew I should've read that book!

Dean:
I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey. Just not like this! And not on dry land!

Professor Professorson:
And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!

Jeff:
...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?

Professor Professorson:
My latin class was fake, Jeff.

Troy:
Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.

Study Group:
[Singing] To you!

Pierce:
That was weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?

Shirley:
You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Abed:
Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.

Troy:
[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

[after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]

Annie:
Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.

Troy:
Annie. Nice!

Annie:
Get what I did with the word presence?

Abed:
[opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.

Pierce:
That's the meaning of Christmas?

Abed:
No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.

[...]

Abed:
I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Annie:
It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...

Abed:
A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

Annie:
It doesn't matter.

Troy:
Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

[...]

Abed:
Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?

Annie:
No.

Troy:
Is it Black Michael Chiklis?

Annie:
No.

Pierce:
The white George Foreman?

Britta:
You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

[...]

Troy:
Is it Fat Neil?

Abed:
Bluestreak?

Pierce:
Optimus Prime?

Annie:
Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

[...]

Jeff:
Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?

Abed:
We should really start learning people's names.

Jeff:
I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Chang:
What's this? What's going on?

Abed:
It's a mixer.

Chang:
Well, why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member? And you didn't invite me?

Abed:
We didn't know how to reach you.

Chang:
What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.

Abed:
We didn't know how to reach you.

Chang:
That's not true. That's a lie.

Abed:
[twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

[Chang backs away]

Abed:
Works every time.

Dean Pelton:
Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.

Abed:
Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint their vans and solve mysteries.

Narrator:
[as the study group plays D&D] And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking, and as they described themselves walking so did Abed confirm they walked.

Troy:
[to Britta] You are the AT&T of people.

Abed:
Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.

Troy:
Charmed, I'm sure.

Mariah:
Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books?"

Troy:
The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.

Abed:
It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.

Troy:
Will you go to the dance with one of us, and, if so, which one?

Mariah:
We need to get something straight first. This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.

Abed:
Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.

Mariah:
Okay, deal.

Abed:
Yesss.

Mariah:
[indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?

Troy:
Oh, tacos. You want one?

Mariah:
No.

Troy:
Great, we really wanted them.

Abed:
Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

Annie:
[referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?

Britta:
Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.

Annie:
It's homophobic to ask questions?

Britta:
If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?

Annie:
Have I?

Britta:
Don't know. Not a homophobe.

Annie:
[spots Page from a distance] Oh.

Britta:
Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.

Pierce:
I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.

Special Agent Glenn Keenlan:
[Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.

Abed:
Where were you a week ago?

Abed:
Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

Jeff:
Here and there.

Abed:
I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message-a very nice message-from the people who make Cougar Town.

Jeff:
Looking for work?

Abed:
[Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff:
Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?

Abed:
So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff:
Wait, what? You went? When?

Abed:
Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.

Jeff:
Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Abed:
You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk-as Chad-and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on-Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

Jeff:
[referring to The Cape] That show's gonna last three weeks!

Abed:
Six seasons and a movie!

Troy:
Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that, for the good of the group, we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?

Jeff:
Troy, we never said ourselves.

Troy:
Okay, now I'm really mad.

Duncan:
[Dean enters anthropology classroom while Duncan is drinking wine, so Duncan throws the glass on floor] And that's how Jews celebrate at weddings! Anthropology!

Chang:
L'chaim!

Chang:
Chang babies love the sauce, you know? Alcohol and Duck.

Pierce:
I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning: it's my penis.

Abed:
Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta?

Jeff:
I'd like to see someone stop me.

Britta:
[smiling] I just peed a little.

Abed:
[pulls out an engagement ring] Then here, propose.

[Jeff and Britta look at the ring and then at each other, then start wrestling to get the ring first, with Britta winning]

Britta:
I got it! I got it! I got it! Jeff Winger, will you marry me?

Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, of course, no problem!

[They kiss; Shirley and Annie start screaming in joy and in pain, respectively]

Abed:
Perfect, I'll be right back. [runs out of the study room]

Shirley:
Thanks the Lord you're getting married! I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table!

[Everybody falls silent at the revelation, then withdraw from the table in disgust]

Troy:
[first disgusted, then amazed] Aaaaaaaaawesome!

Jeff:
[to Britta] You told Shirley?!

Shirley:
Well, there's no need for secrecy now! [to Annie] It was during the paintball game.

Troy:
Was there anything you didn't win that day?

Shirley:
[after having discovered that Jeff kissed Annie at last year's transfer dance] What is wrong with you, Jeffrey?

Jeff:
Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central, insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain to you: men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.

Jeff:
Where you going?

Abed:
By the power invested in me, I pronounce you canceled.

Jeff:
[sarcastic] Oh, good, yeah, Abed, cancel us. And while you're at it, why don't you take your cutesy "I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you? You know, it's very "Season One".

Abed:
I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense: it has structure, logic, rules and likeable leading men. In life we have this...we have you.

Jeff:
[answering a question by Professor Bauer] It was a trick question. The tool most important for humanity survival wasn't any of the nine in the box.

Professor Bauer:
Go on.

Jeff:
The most important tool is respect.

Chang:
Ha! Gayyyyyy!

Troy:
What's with the lava lamp?

Pierce:
It's not a lava lamp, it's my mom.

Troy:
Ooooh, snap! [realizing Pierce is not joking] Wait, what?

[Leonard and the others abandon Pierce and Richard after dementia-ridden Richard crashes the Dean's car]

Pierce:
Richard, are you alright?

Richard:
Who's Richard? Is that me?

Pierce:
Yes.

Richard:
Then I'm fine. Who are those people running away? Are those my friends?

Pierce:
Now, that's a very good question.

Abed:
[to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

Troy:
I love you.

Abed:
I know.

Britta:
I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.

Chang:
I can't believe it wasn't me.

Jeff:
I can't believe I believe you.

Pierce:
If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.

Jeff:
[sarcastic] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.

Britta:
The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn't exist.

Annie:
Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?

Jeff:
My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

Abed:
Wanna build a cardboard submarine?

Troy:
Get out of my brain.

Abed:
An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

Troy:
I attack them using my... additional notes.

Abed:
It has no effect. Britta?

Britta:
I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective...

[everyone else groans]

Troy:
You are the AT&T of people.

[Pierce forces his way into the game]

Abed:
As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

Pierce:
Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

Abed:
In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

Jeff:
I wait fourteen turns.

[Pierce targets Fat Neil's character, Ducayne]

Pierce:
Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.

Abed:
What shape do you choose for him?

Pierce:
Faaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shirley:
Pierce, stop it!

Jeff:
Pierce!

Abed:
Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?

Pierce:
Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Jeff:
Pierce!

[Neil starts to cry]

Pierce:
Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!

[Troy and Abed are trying to draw the attention of Mariah, a librarian they're both attracted to]

Abed:
Hey, maybe if we're too loud she'll shush us.

[Troy nods in agreement]

Abed:
[loudly] Books!

[Mariah looks at them]

Troy:
[to Abed] Pretend like you're asleep.

[Both pretend to fall asleep]

Troy:
I told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture. You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you, Pierce!

Jeff:
[to Abed, who is filming the documentary] Don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out!

[footage of Jeff freaking out while becoming increasingly distressed at the thought of meeting his estranged father is shown]

LeVar Burton:
[while eating in the study room with Troy, he starts singing the opening of Reading Rainbow] "Butterflies in the sky, I can go twice as high, take a look, it's in a book, the Reading Rainbow!"

[Troy has a breakdown and runs away screaming]

LeVar Burton:
Oh well, more fish for Kunta!

Annie:
We're electing the students' president. I'm gonna run! I have so many ideas for improving this school!

Jeff:
Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches...

Abed:
Hmmm, nice. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Classic Wingers"]

Annie:
Well, newsflash Jeff, some of us care about more than fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

Jeff:
Wow, you got me pegged. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Ab mentions"]

Britta:
Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any-

Jeff:
[interrupting] Everybody wants you to shut up!

Britta:
And yet I won't. Case in point.

[Troy smiles and makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "notches"]

Jeff:
You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.

Annie:
Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.

Shirley:
God bless you!

Jeff:
Not lately.

Britta:
He's a war criminal!

Troy:
In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?

Jeff:
Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

Abed:
Not all the time.

Jeff:
That's a lie.

Abed:
We don't lie when we're alone.

Jeff:
Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

Abed:
How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

Jeff:
You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

Abed:
No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

Jeff:
What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

Abed:
Well, I don't believe that happens.

Jeff:
Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.

Abed:
But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

Jeff:
Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constantly-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Jeff:
Don't preach to me about romance, Annie. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

Pierce:
How about Mexican?

Wu Mei:
How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.

[Troy and Abed are watching TV as Britta comes in the room and abruptly changes channel, to their disappointment]

Troy:
What are you doing?!

Britta:
There's rioting in Tunisia!

Troy:
The Cape is premiering!

Britta:
Humanity is premiering, you jags!

Troy:
[as he and the study group emerge from a lake completely wet] You can yell at me all you want! I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.

[Jeff starts delivering a speech that becomes a montage of other "Winger Speeches" that were given in varoius locations]

Jeff:
Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.

[In a haunted house] And yeah, in that time, I've given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common:

[At a drug lord's compound] They're all different. These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist!

[In a railway station] It's a locomotive that runs on us!

[On the shore of a lake] And the only sharks in that water...

[In a haunted house] Are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear,

[In the College's cafeteria] Anchovies,

[On a camping trip] Fear...

[In an asylum] And the dangers of ingesting mercury! Gahh!

[Outside of a motel] Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds.

[In the College's cafeteria] And there's no such things as a "free Caesar Salad"! And even if there were...

[In the study room] The Cape still might find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why:

[At a drug lord's compound, in Spanish] El corazón del agua es verdad.

[On the shore of a lake] That water is a lie!

[In an asylum] Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!

[In the study room] So, maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings. But I choose to believe it's just the Universe's way of molding us into some kind of super-group.

Troy:
Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Duncan:
Thank you, Daryl.

Abed:
It's Troy.

Troy:
Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

Chang:
Man, Math Club has gotten a lot better since last year.

Jeff:
Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us went on dates!

Pierce:
It began with a dream, Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the men's room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump is on the house.

Troy:
We just took down a professional paintball warrior.

Dean:
What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?

Abed:
I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.