A Series of Unfortunate Events, Season 2

Olaf:
Didn’t your parents teach you anything?

Violet:
They taught us to survive.

Olaf:
Well they do say, "Those who can’t do... teach."

[At "Herring Houdini", a fake restaurant run by Olaf's acting troupe]

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender:
[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.

Hook-Handed Man:
Everything here's been prepared for you!

Powder-Faced Woman 1:
And very quickly!

Powder-Faced Woman 2:
But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.

Hook-Handed Man:
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender:
Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.

Hook-Handed Man:
And for the adults...

Bald Man:
[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender:
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.

[Jerome and Esmé, bewildered, do not initially respond.]

Violet:
Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.

"Gunther"/Olaf:
This sounds perfect, please. Yes!

Jerome:
I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...

Esmé:
[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?

[The hook-handed and bald men nod eagerly.]

Esmé:
Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]

Powder-Faced Women:
[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!

[At Café Salmonella]

Larry Your-Waiter:
Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]

Sunny:
<Larry?>

Violet:
It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--

Klaus:
He's always trying to help us.

"Gunther"/Olaf:
[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!

Larry Your-Waiter:
[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.

"Gunther"/Olaf:
And what language did you have it translated into, please?

Larry Your-Waiter:
The one you speak most fluently.

"Gunther"/Olaf:
Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!

Larry Your-Waiter:
[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?

Esmé:
[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!

Jerome:
How do you make your water salmon-flavored?

Larry Your-Waiter:
We put salmon in it.

Jerome:
I'll have regular water, thank you.

Violet:
So would we.

Esmé:
Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!

Klaus:
But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...

Larry Your-Waiter:
I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!

Fernald:
The management regrets it cannot allow any orphans to escape at this time.

Sunny Baudelaire:
*indistinct garble* (Someday, Olaf's perfidy will end.)

Fernald:
[frowns] What does "perfidy" mean?

Sunny Baudelaire:
*indistinct garble* (Treachery, basically)

Fernald:
Ahhh. You know, you're clever, and you're good with your teeth. If you play your cards right, you could join our troupe instead of surrendering your life and your fortune in more or less that order.

Fernald:
Hey, whattaya think you're doing? Heyy!-

Fernald:
You are in big trouble!

Fernald:
... What am I supposed to do with this?

Fernald:
Ohh... Oh, no! You're not bribing your way out of this! What am I supposed to tell the boss when you're not in that elevator shaft?!

Fernald:
[Gasps with horror for a moment]... Oh, well that worked out.

Olivia:
(about Olaf) He just made a left-hand turn without signalling.

Jacques:
That man's villainy knows no bounds.

Count Olaf:
Who are you? Wait... the smell of paste, the glassy-eyed stare of someone who works with children. You're that school librarian!

Olivia Caliban:
That was a long time ago.

Count Olaf:
It wasn't that long ago; it was actually just, like, a few-

Jacques Snicket:
The jig is up, Olaf.

Count Olaf:
"Jig?"

Jacques Snicket:
It's a phrase which means "Your scheme has been undone." As Dante once said-

Count Olaf:
(scatting) Ubshubshadoobadoobang!

Jacques Snicket:
... Dante never said that.

Coung Olaf:
(scatting) Shoobadybabidybowow...

Count Olaf:
...Owww.

Olivia Caliban:
Tell us where the triplets are.

Count Olaf:
Triplets? I thought they were twins.

Jacques Snickett:
Where are they? Where did you put them?

Count Olaf:
Wait, there's two of them, right? One who writes poetry and one who cries all the time?

Olivia Caliban:
We shouldn't do this here; anyone could walk in this saloon who's over eighteen.

Jacques Snicket:
You know what these are?

Count Olaf:
Uh, Bracelett Things of Justice? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...

Olivia Caliban:
Time's up, they're handcuffs.

Count Olaf:
(sarcastically) Handcuffs? Who knew?

Jacques Snicket:
(cuffing Olaf) Gag him.

Count Olaf:
Ah, no, that bandanna's not my color; I'm more of a spring-summer-

Olivia Caliban:
(gags him) You don't deserve to wear colors that compliment the undertones of your complexion.

Jacques Snicket:
Fun, isn't it?

Olivia Caliban:
What?

Jacques Snicket:
Getting your man.

Count Olaf:
(gagged) I only have one question: who is Dante?

Jacques Snicket:
Dante was an Italian poet, thirteenth century; he wrote The Divine Comedy.

Count Olaf:
(gagged) Oh.

Count Olaf:
Trapped. Caught like a bat in a trap. These dark, bare walls are closing in. I call to you, spirits of the jail cell! Save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months...

Jacques Snicket:
It’s been 8 minutes, would you like some tea?

Anabelle:
Hold on a moment. We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want. We're civilized people.

Jemma:
How about after supper?

Anabelle:
Okay.

Jacquelyn:
Do you smell smoke?

Larry:
There's a touch hickory in the dumplings.

Jacquelyn:
Not literally. Figuratively.

Larry:
I always smell smoke figuratively.

Jacquelyn:
I heard from Mr. Poe.

Larry:
Sorry about that, but you do work for him.

Poe:
I don't approve of children being burned at the stake, but it is the rules, and one must always follow the rules.

Larry:
This was a good town once, with good people who helped each other, who put out fires. It can be a good town again.

Jacquelyn:
A noble man has been murdered. Look in your hearts and ask yourselves, what do you really want?

Jemma:
To burn children.

Count Olaf:
What are you waiting for? Shoot!

Esmé:
You try loading a harpoon gun without ruining a manicure.

Count Olaf:
I have!

Bearded Man:
A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.

Klaus:
I thought antibiotics were.

Babs:
Paperwork makes the world go round.

Olaf:
I thought money did that.

Count Olaf:
Have you ever hunted, Violet?

Violet Baudelaire:
Of course not.

Count Olaf:
Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience. There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered. And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there. And when it sees that there is not, it gives up. It gives its life to you. Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.

Lemony:
Sometimes life feels like some dismal story, presented as entertainment by some cruel and invincible author.

Lemony Snicket:
Besides getting several paper cuts on the same day or receiving the news that your worst enemy was rewarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview. From the moment you introduce yourself, you are participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister. You may be asked to perform some meaningless task which you are in no position to refuse. You are likely to be watched carefully while you perform this task, and you likely have to pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are. And you are likely to be evaluated, a word which here means tested over and over for no reason other than your own embarrassment. The worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployment across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning or whether you are hired and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.

Lemony Snicket:
Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.

Olivia:
I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer.

Olaf:
(sneering) Well, then... thank you for volunteering.

Olaf/Coach Genghis:
(in a Texas accent) I'm here to school you.