Adventure Time, Season 4

Finn:
Is that bird.. smoking?

Bird:
Hey! Don't you judge me! It was that fire chick down there that done this to me!

Jake:
She's headed for the Goblin Kingdom! We need to defeat this fiery she-beast!

Finn:
I can't fight her, man! I'm still into her!

Jake:
Finn! What's more important - your love for that screwball dame, or being a hero and saving the lives of innocent goblin folk?

Finn:
[growl] Being a hero.

Jake:
Toasty buns!

Flame Princess:
Finn, even if we like each other, we're going to hurt each other.

Finn:
No! We don't have to! I can take it! I- I mean... can't we try?

Flame Princess:
You would defy nature for me?

Finn:
Uhh, yeah.... whatevs.

NEPTR:
I missed you, Creator!

Finn:
And we missed you too, but NEPTR, right now we need you to-

NEPTR:
To count to 100 while you hide? One, two, three, four, fiv-

Finn:
NEPTR, will you help us build fireproof suits?

[beat]

NEPTR:
You cannot tell but I am giving a thumb's up.

Finn:
Oh Jake, look at her! She's innocent. Like the steam of a puppy's nose, searching for ham in the snow.

Jake:
Guy drops one piece of ham in the snow and he never hears the end of it! Snap out of it! She's burning cute little flowers!

Finn:
Yeah... she is like a cute little flower.

Ice King:
You are nasty, Gunter! You a got nasty booty mister! Nasty! Aw, don't be sad Stinky. Come with Daddy and I'll make it all better.

[Gunter then drifts away from IK]

Ice King:
G'bye Gunter! Sorry sweetie, but I'm never gonna get any princesses if you're stinkin' up the place!

Jake:
A love like theirs will always find a way. It'll crawl all up over you and drain your body fluids, poisoning you slowly until you pass out.

Bubblegum:
Cinnamon Bun! Do something!

Cinnamon Bun:
...Okay. Hey everyone! The concert is over!!

Bubblegum:
That's not what I-

Cinnamon Bun:
THE CONCERT'S OVER, PRINCESS!!!

Cloud:
DOES ANYONE NEED TO GO PEE-PEES?? [one demon raises his hand] GO AHEAD!!

Guard Demon:
You're in the Nightosphere.

Finn:
Are you sure?

Guard Demon:
Uh, yes. You got thrown in jail. Look.

Hunson Abadeer:
NO-ONE!! NO-ONE LEAVES THE NIGHTOSPHERE!!!

Finn:
Excuse me! Excuse me! Big man? Over here!

Big Demon:
Huh? What, me?

Finn:
Uh yeah, how long have you been in line for?

Big Demon:
How long? [crying]

Finn:
Oh buttraps! Jake, stretch us to the front.

All Demons:
NO CUTTING!!!

Big Demon:
I will kill you with all my hopes and regrets!!

Demon:
Charlotte! Don't socialise with the smaller demons! They're dirty and stupid! [zapped into smaller demons] WOAH!!

Charlotte:
Daddy!

[both wheezy and smelly]

Finn:
I can't feel my legs.

[both quietly crying streams of tears]

Finn:
Say something!! Say something to me!

Jake:
I can't.. I got nothing to say anymore!

Finn:
Just make up words then!

Jake:
Bloobity bloo bloo blah blee blee blah.. shree shrah...

Jake:
Hey check it out, we're in front of the line.

Hunson:
See how chaotic it is out there? How everyone's confused and frustrated? The Nightosphere is sustained by chaos.

[Finn and Jake find Marceline's dad (Hunson) holding a sandwich and mustard from the fridge]

Finn:
What are you doing?

Hunson:
Just grabbing a midnight snack. [shuts fridge]

Finn:
It's Marceline! That's her out there!

Hunson:
I know. Isn't it fantastic?

Finn:
No! We have to save her!

Hunson:
Save her?

Finn:
From the amulet!

Hunson:
But this is what I've always wanted. My daughter, following in his daddy's footsteps.

Finn:
But that's not what she wants!

Hunson:
That's balderdash, baby.

Jake:
"Yoyoyoyo check it! This is Jake on my cameraphone! Waaaaaoohh! Woah woaoh! Yo Finn! Say hi to my new cameraphone!"

Finn:
"Whaddup camera phone!!"

Finn and Jake:
"LELELELELELELELELE..."

Hunson Abadeer:
Don't you want.. ABS?

Ant Demon:
Yeah, gimme abs!

Finn:
You can sleep in the bathtub.

Bear:
Brathtrub!

Finn:
[laughing] Brathtub! This guy is tops blooby!

Finn:
What the!? Is this an extra butt??

Jake:
ARE YOU READY TO OVERCOME THIS THING??

Finn:
I think so.

Jake:
I said, ARE YOU READY TO OVERCOME THIS THING!!?

Finn:
Yeah. I heard you. I said, "I think so."

Jake:
I'm trying to get ya to shout.

Finn:
Oh.. okay! IS THIS GOOD??

Jake:
Never mind.

Jake:
What's wrong, Beemo?

BMO:
I am terrified of Finn.

Jake:
Hmm... Well, that's plant's not gonna protect you.

Hug Wolf Finn:
Cinnamon Bun... ret me out...

Cinnamon Bun:
I... I-I'm not supposed to!

Hug Wolf Finn:
Don't you want a hug?

Cinnamon Bun:
I can't, man!

Hug Wolf Finn:
Not... even a real one?

Cinnamon Bun:
Huuuhh...

Hug Wolf Finn:
You want a hug?

Cinnamon Bun:
Uuuhh.... YES!!! HUG ME!!!

Cinnamon Bun:
You came into my room around midnight, and gave me a squeeze.. A REALLY STRONG ONE!!

Finn:
JAKE, HURRY!!!

Jake:
Is he crushing you, man?

Finn:
No, he's just- hugging me gently!

Jake:
Oh!

Finn:
HUGS FOR BUDDIEEES!!

Gumdrop:
SHE'LL NEVER MARRY!!!

Finn:
Wait... What!?

LSP:
Oh my gosh, how many times do I have to tell you!? Somebody broke into my house and stole my lumps!!

[all princesses complain]

Finn:
Peebo?

PB:
[half-face gone] Haaeehahahhmahaah...!!

Jake:
YEECH!!

Finn:
Errr... Okay, calm down!

LSP:
How'm I supposed to CALM DOWN!!? LUMPING THIEF IS OUT THERE GETTIN' PHRESH WITH MAH LUMPS!!!

Jake:
LISTEN UP!!! YOU KIDS BETTER STOP DONKIN' AROUND!! YOU'RE GONNA MESS UP GOLIAD!! [barking] IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, GET IT!!? I'M DON JUAN CHERRY TEMPO!! NOW MARCH, GLIB BLOBBIT!!! [beat] Don't be acting all crazy...

Ice King:
What do you think, Finn? Can we pull back the layer of static and reach into the source of all being? Behind this curtain of patterns, this random pattern generator... so clever, right here in every home, watching us from a one-sided mirror.

[Finn stares.]

Ice King:
Whoops! Heh, just wizard-talkin' to myself.

Turtle Princess:
"Hey, girl! "

LSP:
Oh, Turtle Princess! This book is coming out awesome!!

Turtle Princess:
"Oh good, girl! I can't wait to read it! "

LSP:
Thanks, girl.

Turtle Princess:
"Goodnight, girl."

LSP:
Goodnight, girl.

LSP:
These lumps AREN'T FOR SALE, BILLY!!!

LSP:
This is way too boring for my book! Oh, my shoulder strap! Ohh! My orange juice is comin' out! Hah! Gotchuh? [kerPLOOP!!]

Finn:
Hehah! Jake! Kerploop!

Jake:
Hehehee! Kerploop!

LSP:
Not "gotcha"?

Finn:
"Wanted Adventure Secretary". [sniff] Smells like fruit pie.

LSP:
[into tape recorder] Finn is overpowered by my lumps than I thought. I guess at the end of the day, it's all about the lumps.

BMO:
Jake, if I beat you, you have to call me Sensei for a month.

Jake:
Deal.

Jake:
LSP, you're wearing garbage for clothes!!

LSP:
[whisper] Gotcha!

Cookie:
I glubbed up!

Finn:
ALVINSHOTJUICEBOX!!! ALVINSHOTJUICE-!!!

Jake:
Milk? Some milk?

Cookie:
What? Oh.. look... you should probably split, buddy. Things are about to get pretty flipped out in here.

Jake:
Oh sure, sorry man. I was just tryin' to get away from that rotten Princess Bubblegum for a while, y'know? Isn't she just the worst?

Cookie:
Wait, you hate Princess Bubblegum too? Get outta here!

Jake:
Oh yeah, man, she's the worst! Sittin' out there all safe and cosy while I'm riskin' my life tootin' around in here in a stupid milkman costume...

[...]

Cookie:
Wait--costume!?

Jake:
Oh, um... I just mean it feels like a costume! Cos I wanted to be a mailman so bad, you see? But the Princess--she made me be a milkman anyway.

Cookie:
Boy I here ya, brother.

Bubblegum:
Okay, okay... How about I give you a big cowboy hat... then will you let the hostages go?

[...]

Cookie:
No!! No! Don't play games with me, Princess! I want that crown! No crown, no hostages!

Bubblegum:
Well, obviously, that's going to be a problem, because I'M the princess and I need my crown. So...

Cookie:
No, Princess! You are problem, the problem princess! ...Just gimme that crown!

Bee-Mo:
[lands on Finn's head] Bee-Mo chop! If this were a real attack, [whispers] you'd be dead.

Jake:
I always beat her. Cos she says "No more Card Waring."

Jake:
Hiding in the Useless Swamp - the Immortal Maizewalker!

Immortal Maizewalker:
I LOVE CORRRRNNN!!!

Finn:
I floop the pig.

Jake:
Okay, first of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.

Finn:
Hmm, no - it says I can floop the pig. See? (vwop)

[the pig is flooped onto the battlefield. It runs past the Knights and Bloodstorm and begins eating the cornfields]

Jake:
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! (PWUOP!!)

Finn:
And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops. (KWRASH!!)

Jake:
Haaah!! You just wiped out my entire attack!

Finn:
What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields STINK.

Abraham Lincoln:
Magic Man, I give you two choices. One is total annihilation. The Wand will touch you, and your soul will meet with Death. The second is to use the power of the Wand to convert your body to living stardust, where your consciousness will be jettisoned into the infinite cosmos, on an endless journey of wonder and discovery!

Grob:
I'm gonna activate the thingy that drains his magic juice.

Gob:
Magic Man, you caused nothing but turmoil and chaos for us on Mars. We thought banishing you to this world would help you see the light of our utopian supersociety. Now tell us. What have you learned in these past 200 years?

Jake (Magic Man):
...Are you guys talkin' to me?

Glob:
You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!

Grob:
I think I see him.

Grod:
Yes, I see him as well.

Glob:
Hey guys?

Grob/Grod:
What, Glob?

Glob:
...Nothing, never mind.

Gob:
Turn on the dark! [lights out, projector on] Okay, so we don't have footage of these crimes. But Grod's pretty good at drawing so... Plague of Shadows. Magic Man brought our shadows to life. They attacked us, and ravaged Mars. Very impressive, Grod.

Grod:
Thanks, bro. [squirts screen]

Gob:
To the Plague of the Oneness. As we gathered to hold hands and sing our community song, Magic Man cast an evil spell that made our arms grow together. [drawn with tears] Much suffering ensued. And what about that one-time when he turned all the water into hair? And we all got so thirsty we drank it. And when we drank it we went bald! Many of us did not recover. And to this day, hide our loss behind groovy headgear. Dark off, please.

Tiny Manticore:
I am the true coward. Hiding from sincere expressions like a vampire in the nude hides from the light. Thank you, brave hero. I was freed from bottle jail, but my new prison is shame. MY NEW PRISON IS SHAME!!

Jake:
[forming his arm into a staircase with 15 steps] Let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at Tier 1, which is hugging. But pretty soon you'll be at Tier 2, which is smooching. Then, down the road you'll make it to Tier 5, where she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. Then after a while, you'll make it to Tier 8, where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.

Finn:
What about Tier 15?

Jake:
[sharply] You stay away from that! Do not do Tier 15!!!

Finn:
Dude, I got no idea what you're talking about.

BMO:
Just tell me where the sock is, and I'll let you go.

Ronnie:
"I don't know, man!"

BMO:
What if I put some knuckle in your eyeballs? Would that help you think?

Pep But:
You need to find this worm and break it.

Finn:
Find the worm? But you got him right there! Hahh! [no worm but a spoon]

Phil:
[peeks out behind Pep But] SATORI!!

Ice King:
[echoed thru vent] This is total bunk, you copier! You're only in love with her cos I'm in love with her!!

Lady Rainicorn:
Ice King!

Ice King:
I've been playing this game a lot longer than you, pal! I've been working my moves, smooth-talking her, showing her magic tricks! Don't ignore me! Come back!!

Lemongrab:
Blombo, what is that?

Jamaica:
What?

Lemongrab:
On Blombo's ears?

Jamaica:
That's his headphones!

Lemongrab:
Blombo, take them off! Blombo! You must heed my INSTRUCTIONS!!! TAKE OFF YOUR THIIIINGS!!!

Toughy:
Woah! Settle down, Lemongrease!

Lemongrab:
I-I am not GREASE!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABAAAAHHHHHHLE!!!!!

Blombo:
What? What's goin' on?

Lemongrab:
All unfit citizens of Lemongrab must be reconditioned!

Blombo:
Man, are you crazy!?

Lemongrab:
YAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOU MEEEEEEEAHHIIEE!!!!

Finn and Jake:
Show us now!

Banana Guards:
Show you what?

Finn and Jake:
What you said!

Banana Guards:
We didn't say nothin'!

Finn and Jake:
It's too late for take-backs! We practically know everything already! NOW SHOW US!!

Figure:
Awaken to your dream, Finn and Jake!

Finn:
Whoa! Who are you?

Figure:
I am the Dream Warrior. I've summoned you here to hang with me in your together dream.

Finn:
Are you gonna show us a move to beat The Farm?

Dream Warrior:
First, listen. Then wake up.

Finn:
All right.

Dream Warrior:
I have cheap cars. My cars are chee-e-eap.

Finn and Jake:
My cars are cheap.

Dream Warrior:
But they drive bad when I turn out the lights!

Finn and Jake:
Turn out the lights.

Dream Warrior:
These sweatpants have another name.

Finn and Jake:
Another name.

Finn:
Yeah. Don't you always call sweatpants "give-up-on-life pants," Jake?

Jake:
I do because peeps need to respect themselves when they leave the house... even if it's just for ice cream, or TP, or whatevs.

Dream Warrior:
Two shiny golden apples, ripe enough to bite.

Finn and Jake:
Bite.

Dream Warrior:
[bite!] That's all I gotta say for now. Get lost.

Jake:
What is going on here, Dream Warrior!?

Finn:
Yeah! What this all about!?

Dream Warrior:
Nap's over, sorry!

Finn:
EYOWW!!!

Finn:
What's going on with the costumes?

Costumed Fire Actor:
This is a theater troop, we're getting ready to preform for the king. Everyone in the kingdom shall be in attendance. Ofcourse, you know all this being fellow actors from the exact same troop.

Jake:
I have an idea. We'll go on stage, act like two conspirators. You'll have one shoe untied, I will talk with hiss voice. We'll talk about how we wanna kill the king. As we do this we'll study the faces of the audience and look for guilty reaction.

Finn:
That's brilliant!

Jake:
Thanks, it's an original idea. By me.

Finn:
Water? You know what's even more painful? If we pour ice in his ear. That's how we'll kill the Flame King.

Flame King:
Kill the Flame King? This is treason disguised as a play. Guards, seize them!

Flame King:
Furnius and Torcho!

Furnius:
Hello, uncle.

Flame King:
Arrest the executioners. I thought I had you two extinguished.

Furnius:
You cannot quench the flames of revenge.

Torcho:
You snuffed out our father to become king!

Furnius:
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]. Take them to the punishment room.

Mudscamp Elder:
I'm so sorry about that. We-we secreet stink oil all day, out our awful-sauce glands. You know, I guess I should have warned you.

Jake:
You're not gonna tell her the plan?

Finn:
No, I gotta be mysterious.

Jake:
What? I thought you weren't into Bubblegum anymore!

Finn:
I'm not. But this is how I act now with all the ladies, you see? I keep 'em in a state of confusion. That way, I've always got options in case Flame Princess doesn't work out.

Jake:
Oh my gosh!! Where is this coming from!?

Finn:
It's called "future farming." I read it in that book ["Mind Games"] you have by Jay T. Dawgzone.

Jake:
JAY T. DAWG- awww, dude!! Don't read that book!! It's gonna mess up your brain! I keep that book around for laughs. It's all really bad advice!

Finn:
Oh, okay. I'll stop it, then.

Jake:
No, well... you can still be mysterious-that's fine.

Finn:
What? Now I'm confused.

Jake:
Never mind, I didn't say nothin'.

Marceline:
Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world?

That must be so confusing for a little girl

And I know you're going to need me here with you

But I'm losing myself and I'm afraid you're going to lose me too

Ice King:
Ooh yeah! Keep it going!

Marceline:
Oh! Um... This magic keeps me alive

But it's making me crazy

And I need to save you

But who's going to save me?

Please forgive me for whatever I do

When I don't remember you

Ice King:
Wow! I wrote that? Hot stuff!

Marceline:
What? You don't remember what it means!? [...] LOOK!!

Ice King:
...Marceline

I can feel myself slipping away

I can't remember what it made me say

But I remember that I saw you frown

I swear it wasn't me, it was the crown

This magic keeps me-

Together:
-Alive,

But it's making me crazy

And I need to save you

But who's going to save me?

Please forgive me for whatever I do

When I don't remember you~

Please forgive me for whatever I do

When I don't remember you.

Da dah

Da da da da da dah

Da da, da da da dah

Daaahhh... / Dadah.. da.. dah...

Bear:
Dark times are coming.

Jake:
BILLY, WAKE UP!!!

Billy:
What the heck are you guys doing in my crack!? It's 3 o'clock in the morning!!

Finn:
Oh you know, just droppin' by to say hello, see what you been uhhhhhh... up to what uhh... How are these days..?

Jake:
We came to see if you're dead.

Billy:
What? Why would I be dead?

Finn:
Hehe yeah.. stupid, umm... I had a dream about a bear and an old lady and a snail, and you were there and the snail killed you or something.

[...]

Billy:
Was the Cosmic Owl there?

Finn:
Uhh... yeah, on TV. Does that count?

Billy:
Your dream is an ill omen of grave significance.

[...]

Billy:
Finn?

Finn:
Yeah?

Billy:
Are you ready to come with me on a mission to save all life from the Lich?

Finn:
...Yes.

Finn:
Dude, I think I have a crush! What do you know about her, Jake?

Jake:
I was trying to help you get over your Princess Bubblegum sad times by hooking you two up. But she's evil, man!

Finn:
[furious] You shut your dirty mouth. [slaps Jake]

Jake:
Dirty? [checks his tongue] No, man. Really, her dad said she was evil!

Guard Demon:
Up and at 'em, people! Eveyone out of your cages. [Finn and Jake are released] My shift is over, and no one's shown up, so...

Finn:
Whoa, wait! You're letting us go?

Guard Demon:
I mean... yeah, but not really. You're in the Nightosphere, so... [shrugs]

Finn:
So... what?

Jake:
[holds up cellphone and charger] Is there an outlet somewhere for this?

Guard Demon:
Ah ha ha... Hahahahahahaha!!

Finn:
Hey, c'mon! Just tell us how we can get back to our world!

Guard Demon:
You can't leave the Nightosphere. Not unless he lets you.

Finn/Jake:
Marceline's Dad...

Guard Demon:
Yeah, that's Hunson Abadeer. He runs this place.

[cut to a plaque under the statue reading "HUNSON ABADEER:
OUR GREAT LEADER IS WITH US FOR ALL ETERNITY" with a large caterpillar-like demon running through between the statue's legs]

Jake:
Hunson Abadeer? [giggles] Alright.

Finn:
Well, dude, how do we talk to him?

Guard Demon:
You can't just talk to the boss. You gotta make an appointment.

Finn:
Yeah, but we don't even know why we're here!

Jake:
[holds up a banana] And what's up with this?!

Guard Demon:
Ugh. Oh! Oh, oh, sick! You touched that stuff?! [beat, flies off] Later, fools.

Marceline:
Who's next? Who's next?

[a demon steps forward]

Demon #1:
Uh... me, my lord "Aberdeer."

Marceline:
What do you desire, cowering spec? Pain? Pleasure? Or... weird punishment?

Demon #1:
Uh... pleasure.

Marceline:
No, weird punishment! [zaps Demon #1, bananas come out of his mouth] And what do you desire? P, P, or WP?

Demon #2:
I... pain?

Marceline:
Okay. [zaps Demon #2, half his body disappears]

Demon #2:
Aw...

Marceline:
Come on, come on, next!

Demon #3:
Uh... I'm just gonna go.

Marceline:
You sure, dude? Don't you want abs?

Demon #3:
Yeah, gimme abs!

[Marceline turns Demon #3's face into a six-pack, then laughs evilly]

Finn:
[looks around] Who's the Teller? That guy?

Boat Demon:
Okay, bozos, [whacks a demon with his oar] make room, make room! Make room!

Demon:
Ouch!! Come on!

Boat Demon:
Scooch over, fatty.

Demon:
I can't, dude! This outbox is packed tighter than my tummy tunnel when I can't make brown on the camping trips... because of my anxieties and I have IBS also. [gets hit with oar] Ow!

Finn:
Hey, guy! Are you the Teller?

Boat Demon:
No. No, no, this is the line to meet the Teller.

Finn:
[hits his head] No, man, are you for real?! How long's the wait?!

Boat Demon:
I don't know. I just like to row around on top of their heads.

Finn:
Bunk that!

Jake:
[holds up the banana] Hey, do you know about this?

Boat Demon:
I... ew, no. Ehh... sick.

Finn:
Why do we need to see the Teller anyway? We just wanna see Hunson Abadeer and find out what happened to us.

Boat Demon:
The Teller will get you in touch with Hunson Abadeer. We got systems down here. You gotta swim the proper channels, ya know?

Demon:
Yous ain't special! Yous gotta wait just like the rest of yous! ..Us.

Finn:
Ugh... Where's the line start?

Boat Demon:
Oh... I dunno. The thing sorta governs itself.

Finn:
Marceline... no one... LEAVES THE NIGHTOSPHERE!!! [screeches]

[the camera cuts to more footage showing the Nightosphere via Jake's cameraphone]

Jake:
"Alright, so... this is the Nightosphere, I guess. It looks banay-nays. Marceline says they got tons of crazy ways out here. [walks into the cave to see Finn and Marceline playing tambourine and banjo respectively] Right, Marceline? Marceline! [waves hand in front of the camera] Marcy!! [uses index finger and thumb on Marceline, morphs it into a claw hand while making sounds] Hehehe...

Hunson:
"There you are, Marceline. [pans out to show Hunson in his monster form] Huh? RAHHH!!!"

Jake:
"WAHHHH!!!"

Hunson:
"Oh! Hello, dog. Hello, Finn." [swipe at Finn]

Finn:
"Stay away from me, old man!" [points at him and shakes tambourine]

Jake:
[watching the video] Hehehe... nice one.

Hunson:
"Now, Finn. [shrinks down into his non-monster state] Come on, there's no bad blood here. Come here, let's bury the hatchet! [hugs Finn] See how I'm not killing you?"

Marceline:
"Ugh, Dad, stop."

Hunson:
"Alright, I don't want to embarrass my little girl. [puts Finn down] So young lady, have you thought about my offer?"

Marceline:
"Ugh!!"

Jake:
"What offer, Marceline's Dad?"

Hunson:
[chuckles] "I want Marceline to take over the Nightosphere. Finally join the family business."

Marceline:
"Business? What do you even do?"

Hunson:
Oh, ha... [backing away] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

[the camera points towards Jake's belly as he scratches himself. The camera points back to Hunson and Marceline observing the burning landscape]

Hunson:
"Check it out, sweetie. See how chaotic it is out there? [fire shoots out of the ground] How everyone's confused and frustrated? The Nightosphere is sustained by chaos."

[camera swipe to Finn jiggling his cheeks, swipe back]

Marceline:
"Eh, I just don't see my self doing this biz."

Hunson:
"Okay, but I know you'll come around eventually. Or maybe you won't. I don't know. You're an independent woman. [yawns so hard his soul-sucking face is seen as Jake backs away] Well, I'm gonna take a nappy. [taking a stroll] Oh! I almost forgot!" [takes off a neck ornament and sucks his suit into it; he is now wearing underpants and an undershirt]

Marceline:
"Dad!!"

Hunson:
"Whoops! [laughs, hands it to her] You should put this amulet on. It'll grant you wishes for, like... ponies, or whatever kids like."

Marceline:
"Dad, I'm a thousand years old."

Hunson:
"Ha! Yes you are, sweetie. [messing her hair, walks away] Daddy's little monster!"

[back at the Tree Fort, Jake is listening to music in another room]

Finn:
[offscreen] Jake! Hey, Jake! [Jake takes off one side of his headphones] Jake!

Jake:
What?

Finn:
Come here! Ya gotta check this out!

Jake:
Yeah, okay.

Finn:
Check this out, man. This bear is tops blooby! [Jake rolls his eyes and sighs] Watch this. [Finn inhales and the bear does the same] Choo! [the bear does the same] Ya gotta try this, Jake. He does everything I do!

[Finn slushes his drink at full force. The bear looks for something to imitate with, picks up and chews on BMO's leg]'

BMO:
[laughing] Oh, stop! [Finn pulls BMO away]

Finn:
Haha, come on, Jake, try it!

BMO:
It's awesome!

Jake:
Heh-heh. Um... Yeah, okay. [grabs a broom and starts sweeping] Sweepy-sweepy-sweepy. Sweep sweep sweep. [sweeps the bear's side] Sweepin'!

[the bear thwacks Jake up high onto the ground, and scratches its face. Finn comes by laughing]

Finn:
He's got me down pat! Heh-hah! Sweeping's weak.

Jake:
[annoyed] Mmmmmm...

Bear:
[spoke] Sweeping weak.

Finn':
Whoa! Haha! This guy's alright!

Jake:
[beat] This guy just busted me up my chops, Finn!

Finn:
Hey, come on, he's just a bear. He don't know nothin'.

Jake:
Mmmm... Yeah, I guess. Well, anyway, it's gettin' pretty late. Probably time for everyone to go back home to their own houses.

Finn:
Yeah, I guess you're right, Jake. It is pretty late. He should probably stay here tonight. [Jake scowls] You can sleep in the bathtub.

Bear:
Brathtrub!

Finn:
[laughing] Brathtub! This guy is tops blooby!

Ice King:
[at Ice Kingdom] I said I don't know! [groans] I have nothing to do with this!

Jake:
Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!

Ice King:
What?! Really?!

Jake:
Uh... no. [Finn laughs]

Ice King:
Oh, well... then why did you say that?

Finn:
Ice King, we know you did it!

Ice King:
Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there. What if he comes after my princess?

Both:
YOUR princess?

Ice King:
Yeah. Let me introduce you to my new wife.

[he removes a cloak from a shadowed figure revealing a grotesque mash-up of all the princesses, making Finn and Jake gasp in horror. Ice King looks back and forth]

Ice King:
Oh, wait. You mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.

Ice King:
Here it is. I hope you like it. [unveils ice sculptures of Ice King and Monster Wife holding hands]

Monster Wife:
Hmm...

[Monster Wife walks to their sculpture of themselves, tapping its face and puts banana in its mouth, which drops soon after. They look down in a melancholy expression]

Ice King:
You like?

Monster Wife:
Is there something wrong with me? The way I am... it's not normal, is it?

Ice King:
[embraces her] Ohh, pretty baby wife. You're the most normal thing in my whole life. We're like two normal jelly beans sitting at the bottom of the jar, floating in a sea of olives, waiting for somebody to guess how many jelly beans are in the jar, which I mentioned.

Monster Wife:
I don't think I understand.

Ice King:
Just look into my eyes and know that everything is okay.

[aside Finn and Jake, Bubblegum meets with Goliad in the castle gardens]

Bubblegum:
Hello, Goliad!

Goliad:
Hello, Princess.

Bubblegum:
I hear you learned a lot today.

Goliad:
Yes. I lead the children.

Bubblegum:
But Finn said you used yelling and mind control.

Goliad:
Yes. It was good.

Bubblegum:
Goliad, let me tell you something about leadership. You see this fat bee? She gets pollen from this flower, but she's gentle and makes the flower happy and pollenated. They both get what they need, and that's how a leader should be.

Goliad:
No, Princess. Bee cares not for flower. If getting pollen hurt or kill flower, bee would not care. [crushes, twists bee] Bee is stronger than flower. [uses third eye to resurrect it] Goliad is stronger than bee. [influences bee at Finn and Jake] Goliad is stronger than all.

Jake:
[shocked to see Finn turned into a lamb] Oh my chob! Finn's become one with the lamb!

Finn:
[in soft, deep tone] Alvin shot juice box. Alvin shot juice box.

Finn:
Hey, Jake. What's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? [runs to Jake looking out the window] Is something sad inside?

Jake:
No... it's nothin'.

Finn:
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them. But also, you can put something in the box. And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [Jake turns to him]

Jake:
[chuckles] You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's, well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me. [shows box full of cards to Finn] I always beat her. 'Cause she says "No more Card Warring."

Finn:
What's Card Wars?

Jake:
It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but— well... oh, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.

Finn:
How come you never talked abut it before? It sounds cool!

Jake:
Really? Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside the nerd universe.

Finn:
I-It is, man. But I still totally want to play it. So no more moping, okay?

Jake:
Thanks, Finn!

Gob:
He is here somewhere, my brothers. Glob, can you see Magic Man on the sensor?

Glob:
Yes, Gob. Our little brother is very close.

Grob:
Hey, flip me!

Glob:
Okay. [flips Grob's head on the front]

Grob:
I'm gonna activate the thingy that drains his magic juice. [activates sensor]

Magic Man:
Nahhh! My juice! [wiggles fingers] Not... flowing... right. Dream on, honey! You can't catch this! [he starts running then jumps into the air doing a continuous somersault] Magic away! Pshewww! [disappears momentarily then pops back on the ground] Whap!

Grob:
I think I see him.

Grod:
Yes, I see him as well.

Glob:
Hey guys?

Grob/Grod:
What, Glob?

Glob:
...Nothing, never mind.

Bubblegum:
Finn!

Finn:
[high-pitched] AAHHH!!!

Bubblegum:
Whatcha doin'?

Finn:
Oh, uh— hi, Princess! I'm, uh, writing something for Jake.

Bubblegum:
Oh, well, speaking of Jake, did he explain everything to you?

Finn:
Yeah.

Bubblegum:
And you understand?

Finn:
[turns away] Yeah, I understand.

Bubblegum:
Finn, sometimes you want someone and you [puts hand on Finn's left knee] want to kiss them, and be with them. But you can't, because responsibility demands sacrifice.

Finn:
[incredulous] What are you trying to say?!

Bubblegum:
I'm trying to say that you're a hero, Finn. You're my hero. So, I'm glad you understand why you can't be with Flame Princess. [Finn stands up, enraged]

Finn:
Bubblegum, I can't do this anymore!!

Bubblegum:
What?

Finn:
Now you like me?!

Bubblegum:
Finn, what are you talking about?

Finn:
What am I talking about?! [grunts] PB, I was... geh...eh... I was in love with you! Okay?! And you didn't love me back! Now I'm ready to move on, and it's like... [grunts] you're gonna build me up all over again! Well, I'm done! I'm done.

BMO:
[voiceover] Bebe owned Bebe's, a dance club downtown. He yells at ladies.

[BMO walks to the remote on the floor and puts his foot down on Bebe]

BMO:
Wake up, brainiac.

Bebe:
"BMO? Aah— aah! Arrgh!!"

BMO:
Where is the sock, Bebe?

Bebe:
"Uh— [coughing] I don't know nothin' bout socks!"

BMO:
Don't play dumb, Bebe! [takes some soot out the oven] Don't play dumb with me!

[he smothers the soot on Bebe and starting coughing even worse]

BMO:
I talked to Lorraine, Bebe. She sold you out, dum-dum!

Bebe:
"No! She-she wouldn't do that! It wasn't me, I swear! It was Ronnie!"

BMO:
Ronnie? But why?

Bebe:
"I don't know, man! I don't know! [sobbing] Oh, Lorraine!" [Bebe continues sobbing; BMO looks into his dirty sooted hands]

BMO:
I'm gonna go wash this shmutz off my grabbers. When I get back, you better start talking sense.

NEPTR:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hey, BMO. Wake up, buddy. Are you all right? [BMO gets up]

BMO:
NEPTR? I feel like l got hit with a Dracula by King Kong.

NEPTR:
Whoa, sorry, man. You want some pie or something?

BMO:
Sorry, I gotta run. The cops are after me. Have you seen any down here?

NEPTR:
Nah. No one's been down here all day, expect me, you, and Ronnie.

BMO:
What?! What was Ronnie doing down here?

NEPTR:
I don't know. But now my sensors indicate that some treasure is missing. [spins around] About a sock's worth.

BMO:
[gasps] That's it! That's why Ronnie took the sock—to carry stolen treasure in with! He had to whack Bebe to keep him from squealing, then he pinned the rap on me.

NEPTR:
Bebe's dead?

BMO:
Listen, NEPTR, you better lay low for a while. I'm gonna go find Ronnie. [climbs ladder] I've got a score to settle.

NEPTR:
Hey, BMO! We should hang out more. We're both robots.

BMO:
[beat] No, NEPTR. I am not like you.

King Worm:
[a little deflated, and uses a weaker voice] Hey, why don't you sit down or pass out or something?

Finn:
[angrily] Never!!!

Finn:
[in a rather deep, manly tone] GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE, KING WORM!

Rainicorn:
Gyaenedeul chaj-ass-eoyo? ("Did you find them?") [PB checks device]

Bubblegum:
My GPS shows Finn and Jake over there. I think that's where the Ice King has them hostage.

Rainicorn:
Gyaenedeul anjeonhalkkayo? ("Will they be okay?")

Bubblegum:
I'm sure the boys are fine. The Ice King isn't usually a serious threat. [digs duffle bag] Besides, this'll be easy with the two of us. [holds up robotic kettle and cup] We've got science on our side.

Kettle:
Your tea is ready. [PB pours] Pouring. Pouring.

Rainicorn:
Jeikeuga siljongdoegi jeon-e naega wolnamgugsu myeon-i jilgidago malhaess-eoyo. A, naega wae geuleon mal-eul haess-eulkka... Museun nappeun il-i saeng-gyeoss-eumyeon eotteoghae?! Gyaega mandeun gugsu mas-eobsdago han ge uliui majimag daehwayeoss-eoyo. ("I told Jake that his Vietnamese noodles were too tough before he went missing. Why did I say such a thing?! What if something bad happens to him?! The last conversation we had was that his noodles were tough...")

Bubblegum:
It's okay, Lady. Jake knows you love him.

Rainicorn:
Mianhaeyo. Naega gugsuleul neomu manh-i meog-eossna bwayo. ("Sorry. I guess I've eaten too many noodles.")

Bubblegum:
Don't worry. Just try to relax. [Lady lowers herself; PB checks watch] I'll work on my holo-entry. [projects holo-entry] It's been three weeks since Finn and Jake disappeared while battling the Ice King. I've activated a secret GPS implanted in Finn's ear. It has lead us to an uncharted black ice cave... but I've spent hours calculating every possible danger and am well-prepared.

Rainicorn:
Geunom-i kal-eul deulgo deombimyeon eotteoghaeyo?! ("What if he attacks you with a knife?!")

Bubblegum:
Then I'll pull out my electrode gun.

Rainicorn:
Geunom-i gongjunim-eul haechilyeogo hamyeon-yo?! ("What if he tries to hurt you?!")

Bubblegum:
Then I'll use my ball-blam-burgler-ber! Lady, it'll be fine. We've got science!

Rainicorn:
A... maj-ayo, naega jom geogjeong-i simhan pyeon-ijyo. Jeon ban sal-eun sichedeul-i uli jib-eul gong-gyeoghaneun agmong-e sidallyeoyo. Uli samchon, oesugmo, sachondeul-i da jib-e iss-eoss-eoyo. Agiga wicheung-eseo uneun solikkaji saengsaenghi deullindanikkayo. naega uli gajogdeul-eul jikil suman issdamyeon — geu kkum kkuneun dong-an eolmana seuteuleseu bad-eumyeon ippalkkaji mujihage gal-ayo. ("You're right. I worry too much sometimes. I always get haunted by this nightmare where zombies attack my house! My uncle, aunt-in-law, and cousins are all present in my house. I even hear the baby crying coming from the upstairs. If I could just protect my dear family. [PB becomes shocked] I become too stressful during that dream. I even grind my own teeth!")

[Lady grinds her teeth; PB gasps]

Rainicorn:
Da-eumnal il-eonamyeon ippaldeul-i geum gaiss-eoyo. Botong jeon geunyang geuleon geos kkum-ilani, naega geogjeong-eul saseo haji hamyeo ij-eobeolilyeogo haeyo. Jega geu ban sal-eun sichedeul-ege jeongmal du beon-ina gong-gyeogdanghaess-eossjanh-ayo. ("When I wake up in the morning, all my teeth are cracked up! I usually try to forget about it, thinking that it's just a dream or I'm being paranoid, but I was actually attacked by zombies before, twice.")

Bubblegum:
Hmm, I suppose that's true. [pours tea into snow] Let's roll.

Jake:
[as a cape] Looks like a beach brawl

Finn:
Looks like there trying to drown a barn

Jake:
That's not abarn man[the white barn-like creature rises from the water] that's a dude

Finn:
What's goin' on here, tough boy? What is that huge dude?

Marauder:
He's The Farm, the legendary fighter of the Shiney Isles. I came here to participate in his open challenge, but this mother can't be beat!

The Farm:
Give up, worms! My fight power is supreme! I'm too [punches water] freaking legendary for you!!

[Finn and Jake stare in awe as The Farm continues pummeling the lake with farm animals dropping down his barn onto a group of fighters; The Farm punches one nearby]

All Marauders:
[chanting] Train! Train! Train! Train! Train!

Finn:
Whoa! [see people cheering to an imposing figure on a cliff]

Marauder 2:
I love you, The Train!

Marauder 3:
You're almost as legendary as The Farm, The Train!

The Train:
The Train is gonna smack you down on his tracks! Whoop! [jumps down into lake] Your caboose is mine! [runs toward The Farm] Choo-choo! Choo-choo!!

Finn:
Oh, my Glob... [watches The Train running underneath The Farm]

The Train:
Choooo! [gets crushed by The Farm] Ow! My legs are backwards! Oh! Why?! [The Farm kicks him ashore in front of Finn and Jake] Ohh, you're mean! [farts]

Finn:
Did you just die?

The Train:
No... The Train will chug on... My friend makes bionic legs. I'll be better than before.

Finn:
[gasps] I want bionic legs! Who's your friend?

The Train:
Yeah, right. It's secret! [begins dragging himself away] Ah! Don't follow me. [continues dragging] Oh! Train can do this. [drags out of scene]

Jake:
You don't want bionic legs. It ain't natchy.

Finn:
I don't care about natchy.

Jake:
Let's discuss this later.

Jake:
Hey, did you dream about Dream Warrior?

Finn:
Yeah. What was he trying to tell us exactly?

Jake:
I don't know, I didn't get it. But listen, man. I'm sorry I got mad at you. Who cares about my high score at "Kompy"? It ain't important.

Finn:
No, man. It is important. Being the third best at something is math and deserves respect, not like I did to "Kompy". Anyway, I think we both got cranky after all that training.

Jake:
Well, good thing we're rested, 'cause now we can beat this beast.

Finn:
Yeah. [see groups of marauders cheering on the cliff] Oh, hey! Look!

Jake:
The dudes came back to watch us fight!

Finn:
A'ight. This is it. Let's use what we learned in training!

Jake:
Uh... All we did was fight dirty with cheap— wait...

Dream Warrior:
[flashback] My cars are che-e—che-e-eap.

Jake:
Dream Warrior was telling us which cheap moves to use on The Farm! Headlights mean eyes!

Finn:
Mud in the eyes!

Jake:
Give-up-on-life pants!

Finn:
[pants down] Pull down his pants like you did to moi!

Jake:
Two golden apples!

Finn:
Hm... I think I know what that means.

Jake:
Well, sure, I can make a wild guess.

Finn:
You ready, man?

Jake:
Yeah, dude! [they bump fists; whispers] Put your pants on.

Finn:
[deep voice] Okay.

Woobeewoo:
Here we are: the village of my people. It doesn't have an official name, but I call it "South Woobeewoo". [thunder rumbles] Uh, this way. [they walk over to a red mudscamp wearing a jingle bell on top of two mudscamps] This is the village elder. He'll fill you in on the deets.

Mudscamp Elder:
Greeting, heroes. [squirts red sauce at Jake]

Jake:
Blehh!! Ohh! Ughh!!

Mudscamp Elder:
I'm so sorry about that. You know, we-we secrete stink-oil all day o-out our awful-sauce glands. You know, I guess I should have warned you. Anyway, let me cut the cheese.

Mudscamp:
[whispers] Cut to the chase.

Mudscamp Elder:
Yes. You know, I mean, of course, cut to the chase. I mean, for many... for many moons now, our village has been under siege by the Mega Frog.

[flashback to see a ginormous frog beast approaching the village; it croaks and lets out a loud revolting roar]

Mudscamp Elder:
He's 100 stories of 110 percent 10-speed terror like bam—like fresh out the grease. I mean, he chases us all up and down from first base to home, trying to eat us alive. We-we've always managed to escape, but it's crazy scary. I mean, w-what if you got ate? Think about it. All alone in a stomach full of acid? [high voice] "Mommy! Mommy, mommy, help me!" [low voice] "Billy, is that you? Mommy, you sound exactly—" "Mommy, you sound exactly like me... Mommy, you sound exactly like me!" "Billy, uh..." [normal voice] Anyway... If this keeps up, we'll have to move to the city and get jobs. We don't know how-how to do anything cool. Look, see? The-they're already practicing, the poor fools. They don't know what they're in for.

Jake:
Whoa! Relax, buddy! You're talkin' to the right couple of guys.

Finn:
Yeah, man! Me and Jake will bust this Mega Frog up right up his bumblestop! [imitates bomb whistling, exploding]

Mudscamp Elder:
That is excellent news. I mean, h-here, take this, please. [two mudscamps bring in a bag of lollipops] It's not much, b-but it's all we have. [Finn takes bag] It's... it's a bag of lollies.

Jake:
That's nice! Thanks, man!

Mudscamp Elder:
Now farewell, heroes. We're counting on you... for reals!

Ice King:
Ah, let's see. [looks at sign above shop door] That's the symbol for magic items, right? [sees Huntress Wizard standing nearby] Hey, this is the magic items shop, right?

Huntress Wizard:
What's it look like, ya donk?

Ice King:
I know that, I know! Why can't they write it on the sign, though? Why's it all gotta be secret? Let's just put it all out there, huh? Equal distribution of magic to the people! No more symbols! No more initiations! You feeling me, Huntress Wizard?

Huntress Wizard:
You tryin' to get killed, Ice King?

Ice King:
Uh-uh, I was just steppin' to ya, girl, with my intellectual wizard politics. [she leaves; whispers] No, don't go! Ugh. Well... "Swing at every ball," that's what Jay T. Dawgzone says.

Ice King:
Hey! What's goin' on here? Why's this place all crazy? I was just flying by and— [sees Gunther, gasps] GUNTHER!! YOU TOOK MY STUFF!!

Gunther:
Wenk.

Ice King:
That's bad! You know what you get now?!

Gunther:
[sadly] Wenk...

Ice King:
That's right, you get the squirty-squirts. [squirts spray bottle at Gunther] Bad! Bad! Now take off my demonic wishing eye.

[Gunther takes off the demonic wishing eye and all the other penguins disappear]

Ice King:
All right, Gunther, now go home.

Gunther:
[walks off] Wenk.

Ice King:
That's right, walk! And while you're walking home, you think about what you did! [sighs] It's getting worse and worse with him. He just— he hates it when I leave the castle. I'm sorry, guys.

Jake:
Uh, dude, where have you been?!

Finn:
Yeah, and why are you all jacked up?

Ice King:
[chuckles] Well, I got into some crazy wiz-biz over at Wizard City. Honestly, I don't even know how I survived. Basically, it was the craziest showdown ever. I— [catches himself] I wish I could tell you all about it, but you know... "Wizards only, fools." Keep it tight.

Finn:
Well, well, well. [watching Ice King from a distance] Looks like Ice King is up to bad biscuits, braddah.

Jake:
Bad biscuits make the baker broke, bro.

Finn:
Ice King, you make our job too easy. You ready to roll on this fool?

Jake:
Dinner rowh!

Ice King:
Hold on! [drops down on the floor] Do you... like me?

Marceline:
Of course I do, you old jerk!

Ice King:
Really? Wow. [wipes sleeve, spreads his arms wide] How about... one of these? [Marceline pauses for a beat. She embraces him, visibly bittersweet] Ah! [they pull back and look at each other's eyes; he then puckers his lips] Mwah, mwah, mwah... [Marceline gasps]

Marceline:
AUUHH!! Not like that!! Dah, you don't remember anything, do you... Simon?!

Ice King:
What-mon?

Marceline:
Why do you even come see me when you don't remember me? You don't even know who you are!

Ice King:
Yes, I do! I am a lyricist! [pulling pages out his beard] It's all here, on the page! The page! In song, baby! On this receipt! On this takeout menu! On these newspapers! [laughing]

Marceline:
Huh? [grabs a page] Look! This clipping! This was you, Simon! Before the war!

Ice King:
Huh..? [muttering] Heh?

Jake:
I dreamt when I was in kindergarten, I guess. But I had really big feet. And was also the teacher.