2 Broke Girls, Season 4

[A television producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians at their cupcake window]

Caroline:
Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.

Max:
I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.

Caroline:
Not even close.

Max:
Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.

Caroline:
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.

Max:
That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."

Caroline:
We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's like Dancing with the Stars, but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars.

Max:
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.

Caroline:
Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.

Caroline:
I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it.

Max:
Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.

Caroline:
Don't say anything stupid like that.

Max:
I won't have to say anything. Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.

[Caroline wakes up to a strange man in the apartment]

Caroline:
I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite.

Sebastian:
What's that mean?

Caroline:
This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch]

[Sebastian covers his crotch and falls on the floor; Max comes out of her bedroom]

Caroline:
Don't worry, Max, I handled it.

Max:
Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call.

Caroline:
Are you telling me you know him?!

Max:
No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.

Caroline:
How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with?

Max:
"Intimate"?

Caroline:
Max, there are certain things you have to know about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with.

Max:
Only you can make sex boring.

Sebastian:
[comes out of the bathroom] Well, not too bad. One's okay and the other one left on crutches. Later.

Caroline:
Sebastian, wait. This is Max Black. Max, this is Sebastian.

Sebastian:
Nice to meet you, Max.

Max:
Yeah, nice to meet you too. And you can just call me what you usually do—"Oh, God."

Elliot:
Oh... my... God! Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll? Rita, I want that!

Rita:
Your birthday just passed, Elliot.

Elliot:
But my coming out party is coming up.

Max:
What is that, like a queen-ceañera?

Elliot:
So bitchy. Love her. A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth like, $500, and my mom works, so she has to buy my love.

Rita:
One more word, and I'm taking away spa day.

Elliot:
That's harsh, honey.

Rita:
He's obsessed with the '90s.

Max:
But you weren't even born.

Elliot:
I know. I blame her. She couldn't find a man till late in life.

Rita:
There go the pedicures.

Elliot:
There go my sandals.

Max:
As much as I love watching Will & Grace, this guy's not for sale. I'm sending him back to my mother's place, which, according to the Rhode Island Parole Office, is a cardboard shanty town outside of Big Lots.

Elliot:
Well, here's my card. And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.

Max:
So bitchy. Love him!

Caroline:
[trying to convince Max not to sell her Teddy Ruxpin doll to Elliot] That's "little you" in there, Max. And she's priceless. And she's about to erased and taped over by the soundtrack from Frozen.

Elliot:
Frozen? Who am I? Me, a year ago?

Caroline:
No. Can't have her.

Max:
Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child? The one in the diner? [referring to Han, whose $500 fish Caroline accidentally lost]

Caroline:
Well, I guess he's just gonna have to grow up.

Max:
Grow up? You think if he had that ability, he wouldn't have used it yet?

Elliot:
So what, no bear?

Max:
Oh, please! You'll have a bear in your life, trust me.

Max:
Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first?

Oleg:
Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me!

Caroline:
Can we have one night at the dinner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?

Max:
All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo.

Han:
Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.

Earl:
You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?

Caroline:
[after telling Max she has good news] Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint.

Max:
Last time I was told to close my eyes, I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge. P.S.: Closest I ever got to a vacation.

[Caroline wheels a pink bike in and honks the horn]

Max:
Oh, you're dating a clown?

Caroline:
Please, you know I would have told you if I was dating someone who had a car. Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop!

Max:
It was the bike from the front of the shop. Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's Bike Race.

Caroline:
We're gonna use it to make deliveries. I already signed us up for three delivery services. Still crazy smart!

Max:
Waste of time. Amazon's got drones, and we've got one gay bike. I don't wanna do deliveries.

Caroline:
I got this. You bake, I'll bike.

Max:
And while you bike, I'll get baked.

Caroline:
Max, business is down again, and the only phrase I've said more than that is, "Please, God, take me in my sleep." I mean, it's clear. Not getting ahead.

Max:
Oh, is that what your mood is about? You're not getting any ahead? 'Cause I can take care of that with one call.

Caroline:
You are not hooking me up with that guy who's listed in your phone as "Oral Redenbacher."

Sophie:
Guess what Oleg and I are going to do that will probably give me hep C.

Max:
A threeway with Tommy Lee?

Sophie:
No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.

Oleg:
We want something that represents our relationship. So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty during CSI: Miami.

Caroline:
Wow, you two, his and her tats. Romantic and will help identify the bodies.

Sophie:
Sure, you know, matching tattoos are the deepest expression of commitment.

Oleg:
Well, matching tattoos and pooping in front of each other.

Sophie:
I'm not gonna do it in front of my man. I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.

Caroline:
How would you describe our apartment? And I've already ruled out "worse than that girl-pit in Silence of the Lambs."

Max:
Well, at least she had some silence once in a while. Look, no one's gonna pay money to rent this dump. We haven't in six months.

Caroline:
Everyone else in Williamsburg is making money renting their crappy places on Airbnb. It's all how you describe it. So let's start lying.

Max:
[sarcastically] This is a fantastic idea and I really wanna do this!

Caroline:
First question: "Describe your neighborhood."

Max:
Uh, run-down with a bunch of rats.

Caroline:
Old-world charm. Pet-friendly. "What type of people live there?"

Max:
Junkies, whores, homeless.

Caroline:
Actors. "Do you have a hot tub?" Sometimes. "Gym?"

Max:
Two. Gay Jim upstairs, and straight Jim across the hall who's only gay when he's drunk.

Caroline:
"When is your space available? Always, sometimes, one time."

Max:
Oh, just like our sex lives. Always for me, sometimes out of boredom, and one time for you.

[The models arrive at Max and Caroline's apartment]

Lily Aldridge:
Hi, I'm Lily.

Max:
Oh, shoot, now I'm gay.

Caroline:
Lily? As in Lily Aldridge?

Martha Hunt:
And I'm Martha.

Caroline:
Hunt?! Martha Hunt and Lily Aldridge?! Max, do you know who they are?

Max:
Sure do! This one is the girl that I leave this one for.

Caroline:
Oh, you made a Feliz Navidad cupcake! I'm muy proud of you. And I think we're gonna make muy mucho moolah when Manuel comes mañana.

Max:
You're the only person I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish. [showing the cupcakes she made] Feliz Navidad for our Spanish-speaking friends. And for kids raised like me, "Feliz He's Not Your Dad." And then, "Joy to the World" for the normals, and for the hipsters, "Joint to the World." For the kids, "Frosty the Snowman." And for you, "Frosty with No Man."

Caroline:
Well, I didn't see Jack Frost nipping at your nips either.

Max:
Oh, here, this one's my favorite: "Santa Claus Is Coming"—

Caroline:
Max, stop right there.

Max:
No, that was it. He's coming.

Caroline:
Oh, my God, Max. My childhood bank!

Max:
You had a childhood bank? I didn't even have a childhood.

Caroline:
Come on, let's go. I stop in every few months to get caught on the security cameras, so people will think I'm still in the mix.

Max:
Trying to get caught on security cameras? Whoa, we are different.

Caroline:
Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here, well, I don't know, ask for a business loan.

Max:
We are not getting a business loan! You tricked me into coming to the city. At least knock me out and put me in the trunk like a person.

Caroline:
Okay, I hear you. No loan. But can we at least go in there so I can get a hit off some vault fumes and a complimentary Christmas cocoa?

Max:
Yeah, I want one too. It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.

Sophie:
I'm starting my own new business. So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't wanna clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?

Oleg:
You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?

Sophie:
Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.

Oleg:
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.

Caroline:
That's not a business. That's nobody's business.

Max:
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.

Oleg:
Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.

Caroline:
We're out.

Sophie:
Oh, don't decide yet, girls. You haven't even heard the cute little name—Sophie Kachinsky's Vagina Wigs!

Caroline:
Yeah, we're really out.

Sophie:
But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from va-China.

Caroline:
Yeah, never been further out.

Ace:
Doors create boundaries. Boundaries are a bummer. You know what else is a bummer?

Max:
Tall guys with small penises?

[Max drives a roofied Caroline to the Hamptons in Caroline's new Lamborghini]

Caroline:
Max, you did it again. You roofied me, didn't you?

Max:
Of course I did! You were crying and babbling about the Hamptons, so I had to put you down.

Caroline:
You promised you wouldn't again. The last time, I was out for two days!

Max:
Yeah, I really just needed to get through Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.

Max:
All this time, I thought you were a ride-or-die kind of bitch.

Caroline:
I am a ride-or-die kind of bitch! What's a ride-or-die kind of bitch? [pulls out her phone from her jacket pocket]

Max:
Are you Googling "ride-or-die kind of bitch"?

Caroline:
I would be, but I only have two bars.

[Max and Caroline learn that Oleg is moving in with Sophie]

Han:
What is the problem? This is all good news. Sophie and Oleg are in love.

Max:
Yeah! And they'll be in love on our stairs, in our hallway, and on every surface of the laundry room. What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?

Han:
I know Jesus has a girl for me. He has to. I'm $400 deep into that damn website.

[Caroline looks through the peephole and sees Oleg and Han in the hallway]

Max:
Get away from the door! Han will see your feet under the door, they're right at his eye level.

Caroline:
This is like a horror movie—Saw III. Because when Han bent over, I saw 3 inches of his crack.

Max:
So you saw his whole crack?

[Sophie asks Max to be her maid of honor]

Max:
Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man?

Sophie:
Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus.

Caroline:
Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.

Max:
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.

[Max and Caroline go to a bar, where Caroline meets a man who resembles Jesus]

Max:
I'll leave. You stay and do your thing.

Caroline:
But we came together.

Max:
Yeah, I know you guys did. It happened, like, the second he kissed you.

Caroline:
I don't do this. I just met him.

Max:
Look, Caroline, I haven't read the Bible, but I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him... back to his apartment. Let go... Let God... get to third base.

Caroline:
[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.

Oleg:
Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?

Sophie:
Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.

Max:
Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.

Oleg:
Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Sophie:
Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.

[Max and Caroline accuse two rich high school girls of selling knock-offs of their cupcake T-shirts]

Kemberly:
We did not steal your idea.

Ashlin:
Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Max:
Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn!

Kemberly:
Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.

Ashlin:
I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.

Caroline:
[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.

Oleg:
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.

Max:
[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?

Han:
No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.

Max:
[pause] Preach.

Max:
[at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?

Caroline:
Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."

Caroline:
Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.

Max:
And these are my boobs.

Caroline:
Max, be professional.

Max:
These are my boobs, sir.

Caroline:
Please, I have to make him a waiter.

Max:
Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.

Caroline:
[about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band.

Max:
Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there!

Caroline:
But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?

Max:
You know what I like? That we're doing it.

Caroline:
Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.

Max:
Who are you calling a prostitute?

Han:
Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.

Max:
Well, we'll miss you, Han.

Han:
Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.

Caroline:
You two are so adorable, like Romeo and Juliet... except without the bright future.