Barney Miller, Season 2

Webber:
You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!

Fish:
That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.

Webber:
Corruption. Treachery. Fighting in the streets. Pollution. There's nowhere to hide.

Barney:
You're not supposed to hide. You're supposed to try and make it better.

Barney:
Fish, what did the doctor say?

Fish:
He said I was at-- at the time of my life when my body is going through changes.

Barney:
Sounds like menopause.

Fish:
It is menopause. I caught it from Bernice.

Barney:
You know, you kiss good for a social worker.

Liz:
Oh, thanks. Thanks. My field supervisor will be very pleased. She asked me if I had good relations with the police.

Barney:
What did you tell her?

Liz:
I said, uh, whenever I could.

Fish:
Women are such fools for stuff like this. Bernice would do anything for a fur coat. If she could do anything.

Harris:
Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.

Chano:
Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.

Fish:
They do if they want something hot.

Chano:
Mr. Ditka, what are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment?

Ditka:
I like to be in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying: 'Emile Ditka's got a gun'.

Fish:
Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?

Barney:
The old chief passed away.

Fish:
He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.

Wojo:
I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.

Barney:
You shot him?

Wojo:
I bit him in the neck.

Harris:
[about the non-working fan] Hey, it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything!

Fish:
My very words to Bernice.

Wojo:
Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.

Harris:
I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.

[Wojo blows a raspberry]

Barney:
Wojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.

Barney:
Oh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.

Wojo:
Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.

Barney:
Didn't your alarm go off?

Wojo:
Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.

Fish:
I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.

Wojo:
My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'

Fish:
[on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?

Barney:
[to Yemana] Doesn't look good.

Fish:
You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.

Barney:
It's probably a mistake.

Fish:
I wonder.

Driscoll:
You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.

Fish:
That's because we're both dead.

Barney:
How do you feel?

Fish:
Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.

Barney:
You'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.

Fish:
I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Wojo:
I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.

Chano:
Yeah, that's it.

Wojo:
There's eighteen now.

Chano:
What?

Barney:
Eighteen? You sure?

Wojo:
I just counted it.

Barney:
Count it again.

Chano:
You must have made a mistake, Wojo.

Wojo:
I didn't make a mistake.

Yemana:
Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke-not that fast.

Barney:
This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism-it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.

Fish:
You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.

Barney:
Detective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?

Wojo:
Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?

Barney:
I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.

Barney:
[after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...

Harris:
Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.

Fish:
You're just the first person to put it into screams.

Fish:
No, ma'am. I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks. Would you leave a nice soft bed to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?

Fish:
Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.

Chano:
I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.

Yemana:
It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.

Luger:
However, I want you two ladies to know that I got nothing against ya. Which is why, at one time, I almost married one of your kind.

Fish:
Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds-any suggestions?

Yemana:
You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?

Fish:
What?

Yemana:
Sex.

Fish:
Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?

Wojo:
You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoddlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]

Yemana:
So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Wojo:
What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?

Fish:
Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.

Yemana:
That's the way it is now.

Crowley:
[taking the arrest complaint to the man who picked his pocket] Read this for me, wilya? I can't see without my glasses.

Jackson:
It's your standard felony complaint 155-34. It ought to get me about 1 to 5. With good behavior I should back on the streets in '77. A little more resentful towards society. With a little less faith in the capacity of human beings to forgive.

Crowley:
Hey, wait a minute. I didn't steal your wallet. You stole mine.

Jackson:
Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..

Crowley:
The Lord gots nothing to do with this. The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.

Jackson:
You got a chance here to teach a person a great moral lesson. You know what? Get lost.

Jackson:
Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.

Harris:
Pianist?

Chano:
Pickpocket.

Chano:
Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.

Wojo:
You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?

Barney:
Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Chano:
Maybe.

Fish:
Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. All kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?

Hackler:
Absolutely.

Fish:
I'm just curious. What's it like?

Hackler:
It's heaven.

Fish:
So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?

Hackler:
Philadelphia.

Wojo:
Barn. I got a confession to make.

Barney:
What's that?

Wojo:
I got sick on the plane.

Barney:
Oh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.

Wojo:
What little bags?

Mr. Woolen:
[on the $3,500 he found] Obviously, someone lost it, so I'd like to turn it in.

Fish:
Anybody see you pick it up?

Mr. Woolen:
I don't think so.

Harris:
Does anybody else know you found this money?

Mr. Woolen:
No.

Fish:
[looking in packet] There's nothing else in here. No identification. No name.

Mr. Woolen:
I realize that.

Harris:
You know, Mr. Woolen, if you ever decide to run for President, you've got my vote.

Mr. Burgess:
[complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?

Chano:
Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.

Mr. Burgess:
Stick 'em up.

Chano:
See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday [praying in Spanish] your junk will be safe! [takes his belongings back] In the meantime, get out of here.

Mr. Burgess:
I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.

Chano:
Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!

[Fish has brought Hurley, who was caught naked in a laundromat]

Hurley:
I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.

Barney:
Not in a laundromat.

Fish:
Or with the lights on.

Mrs. Oppenheimer:
You know, you remind me of my first husband.

Fish:
Oh really?

Mrs. Oppenheimer:
He's dead now, but you look like him when he was alive too.

Chano:
I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.

Fish:
You've learned nothing from knowing me.

Dr. Esterhazy:
Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana:
Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.

Dr. Esterhazy:
Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?

Yemana:
An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.

Luger:
You know Nathan, it seems to me that you got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner. Especially when dealing with the public, most of whom are freaks any way.

Yemana:
My grandfather used to say to me "The anticipation of one's dreams is greater than the realization of one's ambitions. Unless one blows it altogether."

Mrs. Trujillo:
My husband is no longer with us.

Fish:
I'm sorry.

Mrs. Trujillo:
I think I saw him on 14th Street one day. But I am not sure.

Fish:
He just left you?

Mrs. Trujillo:
Yes.

Fish:
Just got up one day and walked away?

Mrs. Trujillo:
Yes.

Fish:
And it worked?

Chano:
Can I help you?

Cook:
That's a very generous offer. Because sometimes it moves too fast to make friends.

Chano:
What moves too fast?

Cook:
The escalator of life. On its way to that biggest of all: Mezzanine.

Chano:
That's a very profound thought. You must be a philosopher.

Cook:
No, I'm a bum.

Yemana:
Wojo and Harris chased the guy down into the sewer.

Barney:
The sewer?!

Fish:
[about to go into the bathroom] I'd better wait. I may be obstructing justice.