Batman: The Animated Series, Season One

Bullock:
I want my own tactical squad for the sole purpose of throwing the net over this "Batman".

Gordon:
I've already denied the request. Nobody is taking a vigilante force onto my streets.

Bullock:
Your Honor, any nutcase that dresses up like a bat sooner or later is gonna snap.

Gordon:
Listen, it's just not Batman's M.O.

Bullock:
Oh yeah?! Tell that to the guy he just tossed through the window!

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
[enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] You!

Batman:
I'm looking for Dr. March.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom He's not here, Batman.

Batman:
Where is he?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution, he's really quite brilliant.

Batman:
He's misguided, and a thief. [Holds up a vial of the serum]

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process - [voice lowering] it's in ME, Batman! [Laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]

Selina:
I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company.

Bruce:
Is there anything I can do?

Selina:
Not really... unless you can get me a meeting with the chairman of Multigon International.

Bruce:
[Picks up a phone and dials] What time's good for you?

Selina:
Hey, I'm starting to like this guy.

Stern:
Now if you'll excuse me, I've given you all the time I can spare.

Selina:
You'll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I'm through, I'll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They'll be looking at you and your project so closely, you'll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

Batman:
Red Claw? A woman???

Red Claw:
Do you have a problem with that, Batman?

Batman:
Not at all. I'm an equal opportunity crime fighter!

Red Claw:
You've finally met your match, Batman! Not surprising it's a woman!

[Batman analyses several stolen objects on the Batcomputer]

Alfred:
Taking up videogames, are we, sir?

Batman:
I've accessed police files on the Gothcorp raids, these are the stolen objects. They don't look like much alone, but in this configuration....

[Batman clicks several buttons and the objects on the screen combine into a large cannon]

Alfred:
My word!

Batman:
They combine into a massive weapon able to generate intense cold. There's still one component missing, and only one Gothcorp plant makes it.

Mr. Freeze:
The snow is beautiful, don't you think? Clean, uncompromising...

Batman:
And cold.

Mr. Freeze:
Like the swift hand of vengeance.

Batman:
I saw what happened to your wife. I'm sorry.

Mr. Freeze:
I am beyond emotions. They've been frozen dead in me.

Batman:
That suit you wear - a result of the coolant?

Mr. Freeze:
Very good; a detective to the last. I can no longer survive outside a sub-zero environment. Tonight, I mean to pay back the man who ruined my life... our lives.

Batman:
Even if you have to kill everyone in the building to do it?

Mr. Freeze:
Think of it, Batman: to never again walk on a summer's day, with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh, yes. I'd kill for that.

[About Matt Hagen's repeated use of "Renuyu" to restore his disfigured face]

Teddy Lupus:
You can't go on like this, Matt. You hurt all the time now.

Matt Hagen:
[irritated] You were just bystanding, Lupus. Nobody promoted you to nursemaid!

Teddy Lupus:
That stuff makes your face like putty, Matt; it can't be good for ya.

Matt Hagen:
It probably ain't good for me. But unless I only want to do horror pictures, it ain't bad for me either.

Matt Hagen:
[testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy:
It's.... It's some kind of miracle! [sees Matt change back into Clayface] Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface:
No. No! You broke my concentration! It won't work, don't you see?! It's too hard! It's like tensing a muscle - I can't keep it up for long!! MY CAREER, MY LIFE - IT IS GONE!!! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK!!! [In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer] I'm not an actor anymore! I'm not even... a man! [Sobs softly]

Woman:
I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to its harmful side effects.

Daggett:
Well that's, uh, absolutely untrue-

Woman:
[stands up and approaches him] What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible...pain!

Daggett:
No! I mean... That's just not so!

Woman:
Why don't you show them what an overdose can do, Daggett? Why don't you tell them...about ME?! [transforms into Clayface]

Joker:
[tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charlie:
Listen.... I... O'm sorry, really! I.... I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

Joker:
Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie:
Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker:
Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie:
Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker:
Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie:
Okay. What?

Joker:
I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]

Two years after the encounter with the Joker, Charlie is playing ball with his son when the phone rings; Charlie goes indoors to answer

Charlie:
Hello?

Joker:
Hello, Charlie.

Charlie:
Wrong number, pal. My name's Don.

Joker:
Oh, no, no, no, this is the right number, Charles Michael Collins.

Joker is looking over notes

Joker:
Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace, and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. [Turns to Harley Quinn, who is trimming his hair] Leave the sideburns!

Charlie{intimidated}:
How did you find me?

Joker:
Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my hobby! [Laughs hysterically]

Dent:
So, what do you think?

Bruce:
Does she have a sister?

Dent:
Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Bruce:
[spits out his water upon hearing this] WHAT?!!

Dent:
Yup, that's right. Hey... is it starting to get warm?

Bruce:
You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!

Dent:
And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's so hot in here...

Bruce:
Marriage is a major step, Harv. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent:
No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, it would hit me right in the face. [falls unconscious]

Bruce:
[laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. Harv? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

Batman:
Why, Isley?

Poison Ivy:
Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman:
What crime?

Poison Ivy:
Why, murder, of course. Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers! The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down after her tantrum] So his fate was sealed... [Applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours.

[Scarecrow sprays a strange gas into a guard's face.]

Guard:
Hey, what the--? N-no. No, spiders! Get them offa me! No! No! [Cowers in terror.]

Anthony:
What did you do to him, boss?

Scarecrow:
I merely helped him visualize his innermost terror, which is obviously arachnophobia.

Nigel:
A-whack-a-what?

Scarecrow:
Arachnophobia! Fear of spiders, you dimwitted dropout!

Thomas Wayne:
(Hallucination) You are a disgrace!!

Batman:
No. You are not my father. I am not a disgrace! I am vengeance. I am the night! I - am - BATMAN!!

Summer Gleason:
[on TV, reporting about the Mayor's missing son] The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son Jordan was missing.

Joker:
Missing?

Jordan:
It's me, Jekko. I ran away.

Joker:
You did WHAT?!!

Jordan:
I want to be a magician, like you.

Joker:
Why, you... [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I've been thinking about a protégé.

Jordan:
He can't get out! What's the trick?

Joker:
That's just it! THERE IS NO TRICK!

Jordan Hill:
No! He'll drown! [Jordan grabs an axe and strikes the side of the tank to try and free Batman, Joker takes the axe away]

Joker:
That's why they call it a finale! [Discards his Jekko the Clown mask] Now sit down and enjoy the show!

Bruce Wayne:
Roland Daggett's up to something, Alfred.

Alfred:
That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

Lieutenant:
Of all the botched cases, this one is the worst! I will see to it to none of you work in this town again..

Commissioner Gordon interrupts

Commissioner Gordon:
This investigation is closed, Lieutenant! We caught the suspects and recovered the money.

Gordon hands Officer Montoya back her badge, but she declines

Officer Montoya:
The collar belongs to all three of us, Commissioner.

Gordon returns all three confiscated badges; Montoya accepts hers and hands Wilkes back his badge

Patrolman Wilkes:
Thank you so much, Officer Montoya!

Bullock mutters

Officer Montoya:
What was that, Bullock?

Bullock takes back his badge

Detective Bullock:
Thanks a lot, Montoya.

Mayor Hill:
Oh! Good morning, um...

Fugate:
Fugate. Temple Fugate. I should think you remember the name by now, councillor. We've only been taking the same train every day for one year, seven months and thirteen days.

Hill:
Oh, right! The efficiency expert.

Clock King:
Well, well, well. The Batman. It's about time you showed up. I'll bet you're wondering why I've sent downtown Gotham into a standstill. Well, let's just say that I'm a civic-minded citizen with a lot of time on my hands. (Throws a clock-grenade at Batman, who dodges)

Batman:
I want some answers, wise-guy. Talk!

Clock King:
A pity. I don't know what to tell you, Batman... except that the 9:15 is always six minutes early. [He jumps off the roof, landing on a train going by]

Summer Gleeson:
I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker:
The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Batman:
Justice will be served, Joker.

Joker:
Service with a smile?

[He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]

Batman:
Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker:
Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Thomas:
You wicked, evil-

Poison Ivy:
Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don't control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! That's evil!

Ivy sprays a gas which causes Mrs. Thomas to become petrified. Ivy then steals a pair of earrings

Poison Ivy:
You and your kind owe Mother Nature a big debt, and I am here to make sure you pay up.

[Ivy's henchwomen begin to spray Batman with the growth formula]

Poison Ivy:
This spray is triple strength, Batman! It will start the transformation without any preliminaries! [Nothing seems to happen to Batman as he unties his hands] He should be sprouting leaves by now!

Batman:
[Unties his hands and stands up, blocking the spray with his cape as he advances] You made your secret too accessible, Ivy! I coated my outfit with a herbicidal antidote!

Poison Ivy:
Keep spraying!

[Violet and Lily back away, still spraying, but Batman subdues them both]

[After Frankie kicks mud onto his suit, Harvey Dent switches personalities and attacks him]

Frankie:
Hey!

[Dent tosses Frankie to the mud]

Dent:
You little weasel! I'll tear you apart!

Frankie:
Help! Get him off! He's crazy! Someone get him off me!

Policeman:
Hey, give me some help here!

Dent:
Kick mud in my face, will ya?!

Frankie:
Help!

Gordon:
Harvey! Get a hold of yourself!

Dent:
Jim, I... I... I...

[The reporters stare at Dent, shocked]

Gordon:
Come on, you don't need this kind of publicity.

Frankie:
The guy's a maniac! He's the one who should be going to jail!

[Dent's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to lack of reliable evidence]

Dent:
No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID!!! He can't overturn! The fool! HE'S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!

Bruce Wayne:
[tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behavior doesn't run well with the voters-

Dent:
LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!!

Rupert Thorne:
All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

(Bruce Wayne is having a nightmare)

Bruce Wayne:
Harvey please, let me help you!

Harvey Dent:
You?! You saw what was happening! You knew that something was terribly wrong with me! I thought you were my friend! You should have been able to help me - but you didn't! (Turns into Two-Face) NOW LOOK AT ME!

Bruce Wayne:
But I tried, Harvey. I... Harvey!

Two-Face:
(Falling from a bridge to his death) Why couldn't you save me?! (He vanishes, and is replaced by Bruce's parents)

Thomas Wayne:
Why couldn't you save us, son?

(Bruce wakes up, sweating. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper)

Bruce Wayne:
What are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you've become... I will save you. I swear.

Batman:
I still believe that somewhere inside that monster is my old friend.

Alfred:
That may make him even more dangerous.

Mr. Lucky:
Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.

Thug:
(grabs him threateningly) I ain't lost. I'm lookin' for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.

Mr. Lucky:
It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Thug:
You can't fix all those sports. Nobody can!

Mr. Lucky:
Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope] Here. You can read, can't you?

Thug:
[reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

Mr. Lucky:
It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of...

[The Thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity:
]

Scarecrow:
... the Scarecrow!

Batman:
Change of luck, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow:
YOU!

Batman:
You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

Scarecrow:
I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days. And it will take much more than this to bring every single pathetic person in Gotham to their knees kissing my feet! [reveals a vial of his fear chemical and dangles it above the crowd]

Sherman's Mom:
You're not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?

Sherman:
No, Mom! Honest!

Roberta:
We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant, and now we're hiding him from some bad criminals.

Mom:
That's good, just don't make a mess.

Batman:
Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Rupert Thorne:
Oh, I have plenty of answers... thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?

Batman:
(Using Thorne as a shield) I was saying, you'd better hope your men are very good shots.

Killer Croc:
Terrific. Just what i need now. The freak job in the cape.

Batman:
You're no prize yourself.

Nostromos:
I predict... you and I are about to become rich as pigs!

Bruce:
What is this?

Smith:
If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

Alfred:
This must be the place! Bring us down!

Batwing Computer:
Negative.

Alfred:
But Master Bruce is down there! We have to land!

Computer:
Impossible. Area too confined.

Alfred:
(Pounding controls) Land, you bucket of bolts!

Computer:
Your funeral.

Alfred:
Oh, dear...!

The Batwing lands in a part of the canyon; Alfred stumbles onto terra firma.

Alfred:
(pooped) I claim this land for Spain.

Jervis Tetch:
(Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.) Of course, intellectually I know it's wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I've created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But...that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No...not my Alice.

Mad Hatter:
I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman:
Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.

Mad Hatter:
It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Commissioner Gordon:
Look up "slippery" in the dictionary and you get Josiah Wormwood.

Batman:
(About the Bat-Signal) Got a new toy, I see.

Gordon:
I figured it might come in handy.

Mad Hatter:
Are you the dreamer, or merely part of somebody else's dream? That's just the question Tweedle-Dee put to Alice in Through the Looking-

Bruce:
This isn't some silly storybook!

Batman:
WHY? Why did you do it?!

Mad Hatter:
You, of all people, have the gall to ask me that? You ruined my life! I was willing to give you whatever life you wanted, JUST TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MINE!

Batman:
I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts to decide. But this time -- this time -- I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!

The Sewer King:
Lesson number one is......NOOOOO TAAAALKING!!!!

Kyodai Ken:
[Throwing Bruce] Don't be depressed, Wayne-san. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

Sensei:
[Leaps across room and throws Kyodai] There's always someone better, Kyodai.

Batman:
His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin:
Yeah? How good?

Batman:
(Quickly) Good.

Robin:
I see.

Strange:
We will continue tomorrow, yes?

Bruce:
I'll... have to think about it. Good day, doc. (Leaves)

Strange:
(Quietly) And good day to you... Batman.

Strange:
Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face:
That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

Joker:
And people say I'M CRAZY!

Garth:
The doctor doesn't take kindly to uninvited guests. (Grabs Batman)

Dorian:
Garth! Bring him down here! (Batman drags Garth through the skylight) Well, that's one way to do it.

Dorian:
I want to test Tygrus' reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I'll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman's mutation.

Batman:
How do I know you'll keep your word?

Dorian:
You don't. The clock is ticking, Batman.

Scarecrow:
An entire city, screaming in fear... I wonder if we'll be able to hear it...

[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]

Bruce Wayne:
I'd like the Gray Ghost.

Store Clerk:
[smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.

Wayne:
You said you had everything.

Store Clerk:
Except the Gray Ghost! Nobody has them! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives were lost too, real shame.

Wayne:
So you say the Gray Ghost doesn't exist?

Clerk:
Not anymore. Sorry, pal.

[At the launch of the Gray Ghost videos]

Bruce:
As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Gray Ghost:
Really...

Bruce:
And he still is.

Selina Kyle:
Don't tell me you're my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?

Batman:
"Viral Antitoxins". For a plague that doesn't exist, yet, but if the plague is introduced via stray dogs and cats, it will blanket Gotham City within weeks!

Roland Daggett:
Days, actually. You know how many strays there are in Gotham, Batman? Three hundred thousand! Imagine if even a tenth of them carried the virus. Not only will this little bottle make me a hero, it'll make me a fortune as well.

Batman:
Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred:
How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice-

Batman:
I've put out a few fires, yes. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

Joker:
I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin:
That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker:
No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face:
Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.

Killer Croc:
Huh?

Two-Face:
The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but--

Joker:
Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin:
It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker:
Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! (As Two-Face crushes a milk carton) Uh, no offence, Harv.

Two-Face:
Just deal.

Killer Croc:
You know what I think?

Joker:
(Groans) Not the robot theory again.

Killer Croc:
Well, he could be.

Two-Face:
Poison Ivy..

Poison Ivy:
It's been a long time Harvey,you're still halfway decent.

Two-Face:
Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy:
And what the other part want?

Two-Face:
To hit you with a truck.

Poison Ivy:
We used to date.

Penguin:
What brings such a dainty dove in this dismal den?

Poison Ivy:
Running from the law and the Batman, too, of course.

Penguin:
Of course.

Joker:
Likewise.

Two-Face:
You got it.

Killer Croc:
Same here. You'd think one of us would have got him right now.

Penguin:
I've come the closest.

Poison Ivy:
Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...

Two-Face:
Nobody's come closer to snuffing the Batman than me.

[The villains, except Joker, argue who is the one almost got Batman. Joker whistles]

Joker:
The fact of the matter is, we each have an 'Almost Got 'Im Batman' story. I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway. I'd say, ladies first, but since we don't have any, we'll start with you, Pam!

Anthony Romulus (After a wolf howls, Anthony starts transforming) Ohhh, you fool! There's no telling what the werewolf might do.

Professor Milo Hey! Ask me if I care.

Batman:
Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Alfred:
Present company excluded?

Joker:
Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [he then jumps onto the giant Christmas Tree which is actually a rocket] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

[At the Christmas with the Joker show]

Joker:
Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Laugh track:
Yea!

Joker:
And since I don't have one of my own...

Laugh track:
Aww...

Joker:
I decided to steal one!

Laugh track:
Yea!

Joker:
And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman:
[watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker:
Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon:
You diseased maniac! I'll-- [Joker gags him again]

Joker:
Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Summer Gleason:
Help! Somebody please help us-- [Joker gags her again]

Joker:
Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock:
When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your-- [Joker gags him again]

Joker:
I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

Alfred:
[After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman:
Of course.

Randa:
You have immobilized the maker.

HARDAC:
His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.

HARDAC:
The maker's concept was sound, but he did not go far enough - which is why I have taken over.

Edward Nygma:
(Being cheated out of the sales of his game) You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!

Mockridge:
Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]

Riddler:
That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman:
I don't believe in fate!

Riddler:
You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

Minotaur Robot:
I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman:
[pauses in thought] That's simple: the human brain.

[The Minotaur backs away]

Batman:
It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Riddler:
A lucky guess, that's all! But it won't save you, Batman! [to the Minotaur] DESTROY THEM!

Dick Grayson:
Well, the mayor's happy.

Bruce Wayne:
Bringing in $5.5 million a year in new jobs will do that.

Dick:
But that creep Mockridge pocketed a cool ten million from the buyout. What a burn!

Bruce Wayne:
Maybe, but we've been searching for the Riddler for months, and he's still out there.

[Dissolve to Mockridge's residence. Mockridge, wearing a bathrobe & pyjamas, deadbolts a door while holding a shotgun, then tip-toes to his bedroom.]

Bruce Wayne (narrating) Mockridge may have his money, but he won't be sleeping well at night.

[Shuddering, Mockridge checks under the bed for intruders and booby traps, then gets into bed and turns out the light.]

Bruce Wayne (narrating) How much is a good night's sleep worth? Now there's a riddle for you.

[Mockridge lies awake, staring at the ceiling.]

Poison Ivy:
(as Joker changes the channel in the TV) Hey, I was watching that!

Joker:
And now you're watching this!

Poison Ivy:
Change it back!

Joker:
Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy:
Guard!

Security Guard:
What's the problem?

Joker:
Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy:
He started it. I was just sitting here.

Joker:
That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight!

Cameron Kaiser:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Joker's Wild!

Cameron Kaiser cuts ribbon and unveils a casino with a gigantic Joker head

Summer Gleason:
That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen!

Cameraman:
Uh, Summer, we are on the air!

Summer Gleason{mortified}:
Oops...Uh, Mr. Kaiser I must ask, why this theme?

Cameron Kaiser:
Why not, Miss Gleason? The Joker has been for a long time associated with cards and games. I cannot help it if it bears a passing resemblance to...some criminal fruitcake.

Arkham Asylum. Joker shuts off TV in anger

Joker:
How dare that smug, preening fool cash in on my image?!

Poison Ivy:
Now, who should lighten up?

Joker:
Don't get cute with me, Red! He's ripping me off! I'll protest..... Yeah, I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will too!

Security Guard:
Take it easy.

Joker:
(pretending to be sick) I feel dizzy. Sick. Everything's spinning. I need a doctor.

Poison Ivy:
Oh, Joker, thanks for the smile.

Rossum:
You don't understand. You're not a man's mind in a robot's body. You're a robot. Period.

Bat-Duplicant:
You're lying! It's not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!

Rossum:
You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?

Bat-Duplicant:
No, but-

Rossum:
Can you remember anything beyond cold, hard facts? Facts can be implanted, accessed from any number of sources.

Bat-Duplicant (Brandishing sword):
How can you do this? HARDAC's goals are identical to your own!

Batman:
How did you figure that?

Bat-Duplicant:
Picture a world completely free of crime, free of suffering, free of frailty.

Batman:
You mean free of choice? Compassion? Free of humanity?

Bat-Duplicant:
YES!! (Swings sword)

Batman:
You can't. HARDAC built you well. [sees Bat-Duplicant struggle with himself, then reluctantly drops the sword]

Batman:
Perhaps, even better than he could have imagined.

Talia:
My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I'm as helpless as you.

Batman:
I don't do helpless.

Ra's al Ghul:
So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

Riddler:
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales. It all makes sense when you add it up!

[In the Batmobile]

Alfred:
Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman:
Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

Alfred:
And "copper" is another name for a policeman.

Batman:
And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Alfred:
Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make "cents" when you add it up!

Batman:
You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.

Riddler:
The name is Riddler! Edward Nygma no longer exists! You might recall that he was fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and still should have remained one!

Batman:
Attempted homicide is never a "private matter", Nygma.

Riddler:
Well, it would've been if you hadn't interfered and turned Nygma into a fugitive! So I deleted Nygma! Just like I'm about to delete you, Batman!

Alfred:
(Seeing Batman with a Joker Fish) Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman:
(Sighs) The dissection tray, please, Alfred...

(Alfred and Batman are in the Batcave examining one of the Joker's fish, when all of a sudden, a TV commercial comes on)

Harley Quinn:
[singing] They're finny and funny and oh so delish! They're joyful and jolly Joker fish!

[Fade to a generic dining room, featuring two of the Joker's henchmen sitting at the table, dressed as small children, with Harley wearing an apron which reads "Kiss the Cook"]

Narrator (Joker):
Say, Mom. Wondering what to feed the family tonight?

Harley:
What'll I feed the family tonight?

[In walks the Joker, dressed as the Gorton's Fisherman]

Joker:
[pirate's accent] Arrr! Try me famous Joker fish! There's Smiling Smelt! Giggling Grouper! And Happy Haddock!

Alfred:
[to Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork!

Joker:
Yummy-yum-yum! [takes a forkful of fish and holds it in front of Harley, who obviously doesn't like fish] Eat it!

Harley:
Ummm, Mistah J?... I have this little...problem with fish--

[Joker shoves the forkful of fish into Harley's mouth]

Harley:
[visibly disgusted] Yummy-yum-yum... [quickly runs out of frame]

Joker:
Yes, friends, that's Joker fish! [Harley loudly retches off-camera] Tasty! Tempting! And of course...

Henchmen:
[flatly] Naturally low in cholesterol.

Joker:
Coming to your local store! [menacingly] Just as soon as that nasty ol' Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!

Poison Ivy:
No man can take us prisoner! (Her tire suddenly blows out, forcing their car off the road)

Renee Montoya:
(Holding a shotgun) Alright, ladies. Raise 'em.

Robin :
What's Bugging You?

Batman:
He Seemed upset somthing is just not right

Joker:
Without Batman, crime has no punchline.

Joker:
Dear friends, today is the day the clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream: the dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that! Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face, or an exploding whoopee cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed (starts getting angry) by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly, insignificant goniff who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him! This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats! (suddenly cheerful again) But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look ahead, to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again, just as soon as we take that man there and slap him in that box there, and roll it into that vat of acid there! (the hoodlums place Sid into the coffin, and Harley Quinn plays "Amazing Grace" on the kazoo as the coffin starts moving into the acid vat)

Sid:
(as his coffin rolls off) No! No! I never meant to do it! Help! This isn't funny anymore! Would it help if I said I'm sorry? I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry!

Joker:
(After Harley finishes her kazoo solo) Well, that was fun! Who's for Chinese?

Zatanna:
What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?

Zatanna (About Batman's mask) What happened that made you put this on?

Batman:
A painful memory, and a promise.

Batman:
[At the top of a building] All right, scumbucket. It's you, me and thirty stories. You're gonna tell me exactly what I want to know.

Batman:
If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very...grumpy. You don't want to see me when I'm grumpy.

Tony Zucco:
I'm not back in town five minutes - five minutes - and he's on my tail. You don't know the Bat. He don't let up! He's the dark angel of death, man, and he wants me!

Mick:
... Why you, boss?

Tony Zucco:
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!

[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]

Tony Zucco:
No, don't! Please...

Batman:
Robin! Enough. [limps towards him] You can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Robin:
Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You don't know how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!? [Batman looks at him, and Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn't mean to! I'm sorry. [after he sees the police coming, Robin seemingly readies to throw Zucco off the pier but simply flips him on the pier. The cops arrive and arrest Zucco.] You were right, you know, not bringing me along. You knew I'd take it too personally.

Batman:
It wasn't that, Robin. It wasn't that at all. Zucco's taken so much, caused you much pain. I couldn't stand the thought that he might... take you, too.

Robin:
[putting a hand on Batman's shoulder] Come on, partner. It's been a long night.

Batman:
Wherever you go, I'll be right behind you.

Penguin:
Precisely where you belong.

Batman:
He wasn't with them?

Penguin:
That's right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day, I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Penguin:
Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don't think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You're blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.

Batman:
You've got one right.

[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]

Kairi:
[In Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

Lloyd Ventrix:
See you 'round, Batman! Too bad you can't say the same!

Batman:
Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Ventrix:
So what if it is?! I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

Ra's al Ghul:
As Napoleon told me, "A strong will can fuel a frail physique."

Ra's al Ghul:
The material of the Pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the Earth's surface only in certain key places. Even now, my people are placing bombs, such as that one, over the various Lazarus Pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.

Batman:
Orpheus.

Ra's al Ghul:
Precisely. And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each Pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus Pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman:
But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's al Ghul:
Actually, Detective, we have counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, would you not agree?

Batman:
Yes... I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Batman:
And if I tell?

Scarface:
Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Stavros:
Please! It's not what you think. I wasn't going to say anything. Honest!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus:
Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!

Stavros:
No!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus:
To the depths of Tartarus with you!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus:
You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.

Clio:
[annoyed] You're doing it again, Max.

Zeus:
You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.

Clio:
You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he'd been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike...

Zeus:
There's a cynical edge to your voice I don't appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?

Clio:
No one is above the law, Max.

Zeus:
I make my own laws!