Brickleberry, Season 2 (2013)

Ethel:
So, what's this big important news?

Connie:
Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy:
Yes!

[Ethel gasped]

[bubbling; healing]

Ethel:
Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

Connie:
And my rash is gone.

Malloy:
I wonder if it cures bitch.

[bubbling]

Ethel:
I think my hymen just grew back.

Malloy:
Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.

Woody:
Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

Steve:
You could have just told us.

Woody:
Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

Steve:
How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy:
I could get used to this.

Ethel:
There must be a scientific explanation.

Woody:
Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

Ethel:
And another reason not to believe in God.

Woody:
The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.

Malloy:
Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.

Woody:
Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.

Malloy:
Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Steve:
Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.

Denzel:
Wait. You've never seen snow?

Malloy:
Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.

Steve:
Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!

Connie:
What's wrong, Denzel?

Denzel:
Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!

Ethel:
Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.

Malloy:
God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Woody:
Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!

Ethel:
So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?

Woody:
Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

[Lyrics to Miracle Lake]

Woody:
Let me tell you a little story 'bout this here lake.

Choir:
Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.

Woody:
Michael J. Fox jumped in. Now he don't shake.

Choir:
Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.

Woody:
We got Stephen Hawking walking and talking.

Choir:
Yeah! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake!

Woody:
If you've got cancer, this lake's the answer.

Choir:
Miracle lake!

Woody:
You got crohn's disease. Well, put your mind at ease.

Choir:
Miracle lake!

Woody:
If you go glaucoma, make yourself at home-a.

Choir:
Miracle lake!

Woody:
Thrombosis, therosis. It'll change your prognosis.

Choir:
Miracle lake!

Woody:
You got irritable bowel? Jump in. Grab a towel.

Choir:
Miracle lake!

Woody:
If you got leukemia, you can...(speaking) eh ... bulimia? Emphysemia? ... Screw it, just jump in!

Choir:
Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Take me to the water right now! Take me right on in. It's a miracle! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!

Steve:
Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!

Denzel:
[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-

Steve:
And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!

Denzel:
Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]

Ethel:
[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.

Connie:
And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?

Steve:
I never told you about the ghost that ruined my childhood? It all started 25 years ago. I got up on Christmas morning and there were no presents. My dad said the ghost stole them. Then the ghost gambled away my college fund, backed over my dog, and gave my mo two black eyes on her birthday!

Woody:
Back in the 70's, I made a living as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.

Ethel:
Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?

Woody:
Huh? I-I don't get it. Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs you stumble into when you're young and new to the city and you got a DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE FOR A DICK! [laughs]

Porn Actress:
Oh, no. It's my husband and his brother! They just finished playing 18 holes.

Woody Johnson (Rex Erection):
I got 2 more holes you guys can play.

[Ethel protests against porn]

Malloy:
Oh, God. What is this now?

Ethel:
Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?

Malloy:
... Yes ... And no, you can not be in it.

Ethel:
I would never be in this movie ... Wait, why can't I be in this movie? ... [self-conscious] You don't think I have trucker arms, do you? Is it my nose? [gasp] Are my boobs to small!? ... You know what? I'm not gunna fall into your little trap. [walks away before runs back; desperate] DON'T PUT ME IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE! PUT ME IN! MALLOY! PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!

Malloy:
Fine, but I'm not gonna pay you.

Ethel:
Yes, I'm pretty!

Medium:
Don't tell me about yourself. I'll tell you about yourself. You like to eat candy.

Steve:
Yes!

Medium:
You don't have a girlfriend.

Steve:
No!

Medium:
And you brought me here for some information on ... some subject.

Steve:
Oh my God! Yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost. Where do you think he is?

Medium:
Uh,...Ooh! The graveyard!

Steve:
I knew it!

Denzel:
Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you? This is bullshit.

Medium:
Oh, a non-believer. Well, let me go check in with the other side. [gasp] I'm sensing, your grandmother mispronounces words like "Libary" and "Baffroom".

Denzel:
... Holy shit.

Chastity:
I think I might wanna go to nursing school.

Malloy:
I'm pretty sure they drug test.

Chastity:
Oh, well.

Dr. Kuzniak:
You're a very lucky man, Woody. Everything's going to be fine.

Woody:
Great! So I can perform?

Dr. Kuzniak:
[chuckles] Of course you can perform ... in stage plays, Lifetime original movies, even blackface minstrel shows. Just not pornography. You see, Woody. You're suffering from a rare ailment. Multiple sclerosis.

Woody:
I have multiple sclerosis!? SHIT!

Dr. Kuzniak:
Oh, Heavens no. I wish you did. I said "multiple scrote cysts". As in, multiple cysts in your scrotum. Each cyst is a little ticking time bomb. Every single bounce of your ball bag brings you closer to death.

Woody:
Level with me, Doc! How many thrusts do I have left!?

Dr. Kuzniak:
I can't give you an exact number, Woody but it's somewhere between, say 70 and 72.

Woody:
Soooo, ... 700000 ... 1? [pronounced: seh-ven-dee-wun]

Dr. Kuzniak:
[laughs] If only medicine could be that precise.

Woody:
[about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

Ethel:
Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Malloy:
Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Connie:
She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.

Malloy:
Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.

Steve:
Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!

Ethel:
Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.

Steve:
[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]

Ethel:
Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.

[phone ringing]

Ethel:
Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.

Denzel:
[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.

Ethel:
Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?

[phone ringing]

Denzel:
No.

Bobby:
[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!

Guy:
[On a phone] Maybe?

Ethel:
Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?

Steve:
[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?

Ethel:
WHAT?!

[Connie screaming as she running around from Steve is holding a raw fish while he's chasing at her around and she's jumps to breaking out the window]

Bobby:
Now before we do this threesome I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.

[sheep bleats]

Bobby:
Aah! Ow! What the hell y'all doin'?

Woody:
Evicting you for tearing up my park!?

Bobby:
That wasn't me, that was "Drunk Bobby". If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.

Woody:
Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park!

[An old air conditioner falls down with a piece of paper goes off and onto the ground]

Steve:
Huh. This looks like it's from the olden times. What is it?

Bobby:
How am I supposed to know what the hell is? It's got words and shit on it.

Steve:
Wow...1880's, da da da. Civil War...Your cousin..."Reginald Wooten Possumcods"... Oh, my god. According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.

Bobby:
Wooo!! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer?

Woody:
Give me that! Ooh...Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park!

Bobby:
Don't get more official than that.

Steve:
That's not what it says. It says right here Bobby owns the park, and..[Woody kicks him]

Bobby:
Oh, I know what it says now. It says get the hell off my property!

Malloy:
Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]

Bobby:
The fuck's a Wi-Fi?

BoDean:
"ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]

Bobby:
I don't even know who you are anymore.

Bobby:
I'm gonna ask you all as nice as I possibly can: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TRAILER PARK!!!! Please!

Random Redneck:
Well he did say please. Let's go. [all the rednecks start to leave]

Steve:
Drive carefully!

Same Redneck:
What the hell's that supposed to mean? [riot starts]

Denzel:
Oh hey, Jerry! What's up?

Connie:
You two know each other?

Denzel:
Yeah, we went to middle school together. Hey, Jerry, remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant?

Jerry:
I'm still paying for that cold.

Steve:
[via computer voice] People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Malloy:
[swipes the stick away from Steve] Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.

Steve:
Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.

Woody:
[referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!

Ethel:
Woody!

Woody:
Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.

Ethel:
But he's dead.

Woody:
Exactly.

Carnival Freak Midget:
If it's a black guy, we're frying him.

Announcer:
Competing for team Brickleberry, the Swiss Fist...Magnus Blickensderfer!

[crowd cheering; applause]

Announcer:
And for team Yellowstone, the ranger of danger, Steve Williams!

Steve:
What's up, bitches?

[crowd groans; in disgusted]

Connie:
[gasped] Steve, what did you do to yourself!?

Steve:
I took a shit-ton of steroids, like you told me to.

Connie:
I never told you to do that.

Steve:
You implied it. And now look at the Steve, he's ripped!

Connie:
Did you work out at all?

Steve:
You have to work out? What the hell good are steroids then?

Magnus:
That's far enough. Death to some small part of America. I thought I wired the scissors. Magnifying glass? No. Nail file? No. Fish scaler? No. Bubble wand? No. Pregnancy test? No. Lipstick? No. Chapstick? No. Stain stick? No. Glue stick? No. Glow stick? No. Blow torch? No. Smaller Swiss army knife? No. Baby dildo?

[Steve and Magnus was ready to fight the battle]

Malloy:
[about Connie] All that running and crying, you think she'd be thinner.

Bobby:
[referring to Jorge] Who the hell invited this guy? We are definitely anti... anti... uh... [to Jorge] What the hell are you anyway?

Ethel:
Ha, ha, ha. Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.

Malloy:
I am gonna fucking claw your eyes out!

Ethel:
Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.

Malloy:
I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal!

Ethel:
And he has such a colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD. [Malloy bites her arm] OW! go play honey!

[Ethel throws Malloy breaks out the window from the her cabin]

Woody:
"Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room?"

Woody as Jar Jar:
"Meesa like! Meesa like you!"

Woody:
[pours lotion onto his Jar Jar puppet-wearing right hand] "Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy!" [starts jerking his dick off] "Stop, stop, don't stop, aaaahhh...ah, that feels good."

Steve (as Connie in a TV):
"Look at me, I'm Connie, I'm Driving. Oops! I hit something. Dum dee dum dum dum dum....BANG! Shot Malloy's parents, I'm so stupid."

Connie:
Oh no! It was me. I killed Malloy's parents. I need to confess to him right now!

Steve:
But those animals might kill you.

Connie:
It's what I deserve! Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name or save my life.

Steve:
Hmmm, not that I'm aware of...

[Connie screams as she runs off, offscreen, door closed]

Woody:
[sees a husband and wife leaving in their car] Where're you going? You just got here!

Male Tourist:
Hey! No one wants to go to a park without animals.

Male Tourist's Wife:
Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang-banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.

Male Tourist:
Yeah! [pause] What she say? [Woody throws a rock at their car window]

Steve:
Okay, Jorge, there's the line for the costume contest.

Jorge:
When does the furry sex commence? My sack grows tight with anticipation!

Steve:
In a minute. Come on. Left, right, left. Shorten your gait. Come on.

Jorge:
What the...What the fuck?

Steve:
Denzel could do it. What's so hard about this?

Jorge:
Because my eyes sting from the fumes coming from your anus. You smell like the Middle East!

Dr. Kurt Thoreau:
[to Ethel] Do men with exceptional beards make your fish flaps foamy?

Malloy:
There is some really obscure racism in this town.

Flamey the Bear:
Only you can prevent fires in forests.

Flamey the Bear:
Oh, I am the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw, I'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's my favorite thing to do, Although I may black out, This thirst I cannot quench, One time I came too naked, Balls-deep in Judi Dench.

Bar Patrons:
He'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's his favorite thing to do, Cause he's the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw...!

Flamey the Bear:
Nonsense! the night has just began, and the pills are just kicking in!

Steve:
What?

[Flamey screams]

Jorge:
Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!

Super Rape:
You stuck me with the bar tab.

Jorge:
You burnt down my club!

Dr. Kuzniak:
Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.

Man:
And you mauled my kids!

Steve:
In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house.

Man:
Ah, okay. [leaves happy]

Steve:
All I've ever done is love you and you're nothing but a washed up, drunken, asshole! You don't deserve to wear this suit! I hate you!

Flamey:
I think I may be feeling regret for the first time in my life. Does regret feel like numbness in your left arm and then a crushing chest pain?

Steve:
No, I think that's a heart attack.

[Has a heart attack and collapses]

Flamey:
[breathing heavily] Steven, I'm dying ... Again ... Take off my bear head ... so that I may look on you ... with my own eyes.

[Steve takes off his mask and reveals a pale bald guy's face]

Flamey:
I actually do remember meeting you at the Winn-Dixie. You were a stocky lad with a mispelled Flamey shirt.

Steve:
Yeah. That was me.

Flamey:
I remember, Steve, because...come closer.

Steve:
Yes? Tell me.

Flamey:
I remember because I banged your mother in the back of your station wagon. Her face was jammed into your boosted seat. When she climaxed, she inhaled three goldfish crackers. [dies]

[Steve gets mad and then drives off; He drives back and runs over Flamey multiple times]

Connie:
This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.

Steve:
Aww!

Ethel:
What a pretty name!

Connie:
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.

Malloy:
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".

Woody:
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.

Connie:
What's wrong with my boobs?

Malloy:
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.

Denzel:
[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!

Ethel:
This is going too far, Denzel!

Denzel:
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!

Ethel:
How?

Denzel:
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.

Steve:
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.

Connie:
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]

Woody:
It's just a baby, Denzel.

Ethel:
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.

Malloy:
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.

Denzel:
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.

Ethel:
Leave the gun.

Denzel:
Fine.

Denzel:
Connie, I'm sorry...[Connie is sleeping; snoring, he walks quietly to Donnie's bassinet] Uh, Donnie, I'm not good at this apology stuff, but...I'm sorry I'm said you were the antichrist maybe when you grow up a little, you and I can...

Donnie:
[satanic voice] Apology accepted.

Denzel:
Oh, thanks, Donnie. You're pretty cool...WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?!

Donnie:
Denzel, I'm going to rip out your dick! and feed it to the demons of hell! [growling, vomiting]

[Denzel screaming in frightened]

Malloy:
[to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.

Donnie:
[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?

Steve:
Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.

Donnie:
The preacher said you're a pussy.

Steve:
What? [he punches Vernon]

Vernon:
What's wrong with you?

Steve:
Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.

[Donnie laughs evilly]

Denzel:
Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!

Father Quinn:
I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?

Denzel:
Rabbi Maltzman!

Rabbi Maltzman:
No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.

Denzel:
And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!

Dr. Kuzniak:
Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.

Denzel:
And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.

Jorge:
I'm not with them! I'm on your side!

Steve:
Jorge, shut up.

Jorge:
Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!

Donnie:
I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.

Father Quinn:
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Donnie:
Shut up!

[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]

Donnie:
So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?

Jorge:
Blowjobbed to death?

Donnie:
You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]

Connie:
I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?

Denzel:
We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!

Jorge:
And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!

Vernon:
Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!

Connie:
What? NO!

Ethel:
Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.

Denzel:
You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.

Connie:
[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]

Jorge:
Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]