Cheap Seats, Season 2

Tom Servo:
Shameless!

Mike Nelson:
It'll never last.

Randy:
"A very special episode of Cheap Seats, because today the first day we have a live studio audiance.

Jason:
"Twenty-five people."

Randy:
"Yeah!"

(Crowd cheers)

Randy:
"Now how did we pull it off you may ask inquisitively? Well it was easy we lobbied ESPN really hard for months and we finally reached a compromise.

Jason:
"They said no"

Randy:
"Uh huh. So we decided to go behind their backs and start diverting tour groups from ESPN down here to the library. Now we have a group here today with us."

Jason:
"We have a great group with us today."

Randy:
"Who is with us today?"

Jason:
"We have got Doctors Without Borders.

Randy:
"I love doctors with"

Jason:
"They do such good work."

Woman In Audiance:
"Uh excuse me. Excuse me actually we are Doctors With Borders.

Randy:
"With Borders? I've heard of Doctors Without Borders."

Jason:
"What is Doctors With Borders?"

Woman In Audiance:
"Doctors With Borders is a group of doctors that work within the borders of gated communities. We help people that need medical care who make at least eighty thousand dollars a year."

Randy:
"Well I guess maybe if we pull our salaries collectively we could be one patient"

Woman In Audiance:
"I don't think so. Also could get a little more chardonnay up in here we're dying. Thank you."

Randy:
"Yeah the ariel shots there are courtsy of Chopper 4."

Jason:
"Whose your news source?"

Randy:
"Chopper 4."

(Welch gets him at first)

Randy:
"That's why."

Jason:
(Doing the voice of a cop that the regular guy is talking to) "Oh no, no no you gotta stay right here."

Randy:
"Why it's so boring."

Jason:
"You wanna get tazed? Because I will use force If I have to."

Randy:
"This cannot be before the third inning."

Jason:
"Or after the sixth."

Randy:
"Marge Schott."

Jason:
"Alright the point is we felt that Cheap Seats as a sports franchise deserved its own mascot too."

Randy:
"So we combed the country. Scouting Renaissance fairs, Illegal rodeos, Wal-Mart grand openings looking for every conceivable novelty creature."

Jason:
"And we narrowed it down to the three finalist. Here are their auditions."

Rik Esasky:
(Wearing a chicken suit) "First off I will not wear this head. I don't believe in it. I will not act like a goofy mascot."

C.C. Galleta:
(Wearing a chocolate chip cookie suit) "You might have seen me in a few roles. I played a chocolate chip cookie in the How About Some Milk campaign."

Slider:
(A homeless person) "To be honest man I haven't been inside of a building In about five years. I'm freaked out man."

Rik Esasky:
"I will not shine a bald man's head at a baseball game."

C.C. Galleta:
"I'm a gogetrahidra I can do anything. You ask me to do anything and I can do it."

Slider:
" I can make a dollar last me month. A month!!"

Rik Esasky:
"I will not run and dive on a rain soaked tarp."

C.C. Galleta:
"I can play many different types of cookies."

Judge:
"You can lose those chocolate chips if we need you to?"

C.C. Galleta:
"Absolutly I can take them out I can play Pecan Sandy if that's what you want uh these are birthmarks so."

Slider:
(Crying) "Ah man have you ever since a cat without it's eyeballs in it's head" (digging through a trash bag)

Judges:
"No no no no!"

Slider:
"You have? What's the answer?"

C.C. Galleta:
"Well I think the question is what talents don't I bring."

Rik Esasky:
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

Slider:
"Uh I can find vitamins in cigarette butts. Alot of vitamins in that stuff yall guys don't know."

C.C. Galleta:
"You know I can..Cookie Dance I don't know If you could use that on your show."

Slider:
"Did you know If you're feeling emotional pain if you hurt yourself in the (beep) it stops it?"

C.C. Galleta:
"Stage talking. Hello! How are you!? Please dunk me in milk."

Rik Esasky:
"Where be now your jives, your gambles, your songs?"

Slider:
"I can..I made these shoes..made those shoes. I made those shoes!"

Randy:
"When would you do something like that?"

Rik Esasky:
"Well clearly not here apparently."

Jason:
"A little bit but I feel like that's his hook."

Randy:
"Just like Marge Schott."

Randy:
"I think it was pre."

(Tommy pitches the ball and the bionic man sound comes on)

Sklars:
"Or was it!"

Randy:
"That's Detective Reitz to you Al."

Jason:
"Played by a young Dennis Franz."

Randy:
"Were not going to see is naked rump are we?"

Jason:
"Reitz with a rope!"

(Willie Randolph gets the ball but it drops out of his glove)

Jason:
"All-star."

(Second baseman throws a wild throw to first but goes past him)

Jason:
"All-star."

(Catcher throws to second and Second baseman gets Reitz out)

Jason:
"And all-star and the inning ends with your basic 4-3-2-6 put out."

Randy:
"And Ken Reitz reminding us just how good Willie Randolph is."

Jason:
"And Ashlee Simpson reminding us just how talented Ken Reitz was."

Randy:
"And Dick Chaney reminding us just how honest Ashlee Simpson is. More Cheap Seats after this."

Sklars:
"Whoa!"

Randy:
"Whoa"

Jason:
"Why don't you care?"

Audience Member:
"Ah Jewish or non Jewish he's a great ball player."

(Jason whistles)

Randy:
"Ok! Just got weird in here. Wow"

Jason:
"Yeah because there's bigotry in here."

Randy:
"I smell that. I smell that yeah."

Audience Member:
"What just cause I don't care that Rod Carew is Jewish or not?"

Randy:
"Yeah wow."

Jason:
"Wow what are you going to tell us next that your favorite movie was American History X?"

Audience Member:
"I don't know, I thought Ed Norton played a strong character."

Randy:
"Ah-Ha!"

Jason:
"Ah-Ha!"

Randy:
"I think someone needs to go to the Museum of Tolerance."

Jason:
"Right after we go back to the game."

Randy:
"I need to get my hook back."

Jason:
"So do I."

(Winfeild pops it up)

Randy:
"And Winfield kills another seagull."

Jason:
"Not necessarly? So he's still a follower?"

Randy:
"Yes he's the leading follower."

Jason:
"What the fuck does that mean!"

(Pete Rose comes on the screen)

Randy:
"I think I just found someone."

Jason:
"Oww!!"

Randy:
"Well it's a good the ball hit Farmer that way Randolph didn't have a chance to boot it."

(C.C. gets all gitty)

Slider:
"HAAAA!"

Rik Ssasky:
"You guys are wrong. You guys made a big mistake."

Slider:
"Hey Hey Hey Hey. It's over."

(Slider tries to take a bite of C.C.)

C.C. Galleta:
"Don't eat me. No no!

(All of them argue)

Slider:
"You guys cool out we gotta find shelter!"

Jason:
"Again just like Marge Schott."

Randy:
"Yes. Alright let's move on to the bottom of the seventh inning. National League up 3 to 2. Trying to hold to their ninth straight All-Star win."

(Pitch bounce off the catcher and hits the umpire between the legs)

Jason:
"Ooooh and that one just took out the Keebler elves."

Randy:
"He won't be making any Town House crackers any time soon, I can tell you that much."

Jason:
"Two balls with one strike."

(Umpire wipes the plate)

(Jason in a high voice)

Jason:
"I'll just wipe off the plate and... oh God, tell my wife I love her."

Randy:
"You're wearing a cup, right?"

Jason:
"I was but I took it off in the eighth. Boys needed some air."

Randy:
"Good call."

(Jason in high voice again)

Jason:
"Oh God! Please block it! Thank you."

(Umpire throws the ball)

Jason:
"Get that demon ball outta here!"

(Jason in a robot voice)

Jason:
"Greetings, Professor Falken. Would you like to play an All-Star game?"

Jason:
"Ladies and gentlemen..."

Sklars:
"The Giant Cookie!!"

(C.C. comes out)

C.C.:
"How bout it!" How bout it!"

(Randy hands him a gallon of milk)

Sklars:
"Drink! Drink! Drink!"

C.C.:
"Drink? You want me to? Ok!"

(C.C. drinks it but spits it out)

Sklars:
"Owww!"

C.C.:
"I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm lactose intolerant."

[pause] Randy:
"That's ok!"

(Sklars cheer)

C.C.:
"Seriously guys, my throat's closing up! Can't breathe! Choking on vomit!"

Randy:
"He's really hurt."

[pause] Sklars:
"The Cookie!!!"

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]:
Crow T. Robot: You know, this is just a great idea - a cable show where you make fun of other people's videos.

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]:
Crow T. Robot: "These guys are Smurfs, right?"

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]:
Mike Nelson: "With any luck at all, Gamera will come down and smite them both."

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]:
Randy: The world's most overzealous graphics department.

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]:
Jason: Nothing says quality sport quite like a hyphen.

Outdoor Games 2000 [2.3]:
Randy: "Remember, if it's raining outside, if you got a firearm in your hand, and diabetes is impairing your vision, for God's sake, wear a hat."

Scrabble 2003 [2.4]:
Jason and Randy: TILE PILE!

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Hey everybody, welcome to Cheap Seats."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "You know why Willie Randoplh is such a good hitter, he always hit the ball where the sun don't shine."

Jason:
"Or in this case onto the surface of the sun."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "And to anyone who says that these players dog it at the All-Star game take a look at that throw by Parker. Almost all the way to the infield."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Somebody at first base is taking the game a little too seriously."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Do you hear helicopters?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Why is Welch paying so much attention to the runner? It's an All-Star game."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Oh Willie this is almost as embarrassing as Robert Wuhl sat on Comic Relief 8."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Did Garvey have to actually smack him in the face?"

Jason:
"Well it's Garvey, so yeah."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: (Doing the voice of a regular guy in the dug out) "Hey man if I wanna run out there and take my pants off you got my back right?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Dodger Stadium is packed."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "There goes the bat."

Jason:
"And there goes my eyesight."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Feel like this at bat started at last year's All-Star game."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Now baseball in the 80's is a sport that featured the greatest mascot in American sports history."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Judge: "So what kind of talents do you bring to the table?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Did the cookie seem racist to you?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "You know I'm just surprised that the Dodger ball boy didn't go into the stands and try to swipe the ball from the guy that just caught it."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: (In lower voice) "Some sad news, Griffey's ten year old song Ken Jr. torn his ACL during the father-son catch prior to the game."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Tommy John? Was this pre or post bionic arm surgery?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Al Michaels: "Ken Reitz the batter."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Ahh Ken Reitz, what's an All-Star game without him?"

Randy:
"Uh every other All-Star game but this one."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
(Reitz hits the ball)

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Oh Willie Randoplh reminding us that fan voting doesn't necessarily put the best players in the All-star game."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Audience Member: "I don't care"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "You guys wanna take the toothpick out of Winfield's hand and give him a real bat?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Did the White Sox uniform come with a sport coat that year?"

Jason:
"Yeah it was the only uniform in history that you could wear to Ruth's Chris Steak House."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Keith Jackson: "But the first time he's been a leader not necessarily a follower."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Do you think Hernandez and Reitz have mustache contests in the Cardinal's clubhouse?"

Randy:
" They'd be wasting their mustaches if they didn't."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Al Michaels: "Ed Farmer, 6'5"."

Jason:
"6'9" with the afro."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "I bet you Hernandez gets a hit off Farmer. Who wants to bet me? Anybody?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
(Hernandez's hit hit's farmer on the ankle)

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "All-Star, bases loading, Pete Rose at the plate. What are the odds?! Seriously what are the odds. Call Danny Sheridan."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "And sadly that at bat would cost Rose his rightful place in Cooper's Town."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Welcome back to Cheap Seats. Now you've seen the complete mascot auditions now it's time to see the shocking conclusion."

Jason:
"A conclusion so shocking, so exciting, that we just had to show it to you."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "Guys it was a tough decision but we're going to have to go with The Cookie."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "I think The Cookie got shanked at the end there."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Darrell Porter, the Willie Randolph of catchers."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Wasn't Phil Garder in Gangs Of New York?"

Jason:
"Yeah, he was Bill The Butcher."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Jason: "When Ray Knight starts stealing off you. You might want to consider the quick pitch."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "A lot people don't know this but Phil Garner is Jennifer Garner's father."

Jason:
"I love Alias, doesn't that show have another name?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "John Kibler is the umpire behind the plate."

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
(Next pitch)

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Is that a scoreboard or your typical desktop computer in 1980?"

1980 Mlb All-Star Game [2.9]:
Randy: "Alright, before we go it's time to bring out our new Cheap Seats mascot..."

Keith Jackson:
Baseball and football...

The Sklars:
...and sliding bad graphics. Perfect,

Keith Jackson:
...1978 leading the Kansas City Royals you'll see third baseman George Brett...

The Sklars:
...From a higher than usual camera angle. What's up ladies I got gum.

Jackson:
Second baseman Frank White the young man who succeed in his home town...

Jason:
But who failed everywhere else

Jackson:
shortstop Freddie Patek...

Randy:
Chicks dig the long ball unfortunately for 5'5 Freddie Patek, homey chicks will settle for a fielders choice.