Cougar Town, Season 1

Jules:
You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore!

Laurie:
I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with!

Josh:
What's that scar from?

Jules:
I got knifed as a kid.

Josh:
Really?

Jules:
No, that's from my c-section!

Jules:
You know, I've seen the parade of girls you've brought home, tagged, and released. No matter how young they are, you don't seem the least bit self-conscious about your age.

Grayson:
It's cause I'm not.

Jules:
Show me how to do that.

Grayson:
Can't. When women get older, it's icky. When men get older, it's adorable. It's my favorite double standard.

Jules:
Me, not so much.

Ellie:
It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.

Jules:
Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

Andy:
Boo!

Jules:
Ah, if I'm going to get waxed, I'll need to tidy the den.

Ellie:
Oh, yeah.

Laurie:
Wait, what the hell does that mean?

Ellie:
Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

Jules:
You never go all out for a guy?

Laurie:
If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him.

Ellie:
I wish you were my daughter.

Jules:
Well, you've got a real flair for decorating.

Grayson:
[About his ex-wife] She took everything. What do you want?

Jules:
Look, your marriage sucked.

Grayson:
Thank you.

Jules:
And my marriage sucked! But why would you let me think you're some jerk who walked away from his wife?

Grayson:
I don't know, maybe because I had the crazy idea you'd want to talk about it. Or I didn't want to relive the crazy adventure of having someone you love just walk away. Definitely one of those two things.

Jules:
Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.

Grayson:
Are you sure? Because I'm pretending this conversation didn't happen as it's happening.

Jules:
Grayson, look. I know what it's like to want to erase your past. I had Bobby move all his crap out just so I wouldn't have a daily reminder of it. But you can't pack away your past in boxes, it's always gonna be a part of who you are. Look, you were treated really, really badly. Which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was also treated really badly. But I'm super nice, whatever.

Grayson:
Worst buck-up speech ever.

Jules:
I'm not done yet! You need to know that eventually, this isn't going to hurt so much. And the good times will get easier to remember. And you're gonna end up being a stronger person because of all that you've been through. I promise. [Long pause] Oh and for the record, I hated your wife. She was a total bitch. Needed to be said. You deserve better.

Jules:
Oh look who got laid last night.

Andy:
That's right chumps, missionary accomplished!

Grayson:
The only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she would, and I quote, pay someone to do me prison style if I didn't bring my trashcans in.

Andy:
So we're cool.

Grayson:
I am, but you're married to a scary person.

Jules:
[With her shirt up] Hey Trav!

Travis:
Shirt down, then hey Trav

Jules:
[Pulls down shirt] Hey Trav!

Travis:
Too, late scarred for life

Jules:
These used to feed you!

Laurie:
When I want to end it with a guy, I sleep with his best friend... or brother. Brothers are good because if the guy was hot, chances are the brother is too. Best friends are a crap shoot.

Ellie:
You totally had sex last night.

Jules:
How'd you know?

Ellie:
I'm your best friend, I know these things, plus there's a condom wrapper on your back.

Jules:
Oh, is it just the one?

Ellie:
Good god, Jules.

Jules:
Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]

Bobby:
Hey, J-bird!

Grayson:
Wow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.

Bobby:
Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?

Jules:
Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?

Bobby:
GAC.

Jules:
What does that mean?

Travis:
G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.

Grayson:
[singing] She likes a pacemaker, she's a hip breaker, she likes them almost dead. [Stops singing] That's all I've written so far, but I'm very proud of it.

Jules:
It's haunting.

Grayson:
You know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me. If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, it's 611 years.

Jules:
Mine wasn't a date, okay? I just went out for some coffee.

Grayson:
You can't stand to be alone for a second can you?

Jules:
That is ridiculous.

Grayson:
Then why'd you go out with father time?

Jules:
Because I am a history buff, and I haven't been in a car with only a lap belt in a long time.

[after Jules puts Grayson in charge of Travis while she's gone]

Travis:
Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

Grayson:
You're a neat kid.

Ellie:
[to Laurie] Not all fun things revolve around being topless.

Bobby:
It's not a bad thing that sometimes I hook up with women for food.

Grayson:
It's not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.

Bobby:
Still, we both know it's not forever.

Grayson:
Hello, no.

Bobby:
Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman. Someone who looks after me.

Grayson:
I'd like to find someone who gets me out of my shell.

Bobby:
I don't want to end up alone.

Grayson:
That would kill me.

Bobby:
Whoa! Getting deep alert.

Grayson:
Whew!

Andy:
Permission to speak?

Bobby:
: Proceed.

Andy:
Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?

[Bobby and Grayson both watch Jules go up the stairs]

Bobby:
Definitely.

Grayson:
Definitely.

Travis:
I'm about to bring Kylie in so I need you all to act like normal human beings. I know it's going to be hard but I can help. Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn't have an eating disorder, she runs cross country, so think of a new opening question. Mr. Torres, I don't care how much you eat, let's keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers. There I said it, you don't need to tell her. Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar, let's keep that holstered. Mom, you have multiple problem areas so when it doubt just say to yourself that's a bad idea. Dad, I think we both know it's best if you don't say anything.

Jules:
There's that cute guy from spinning class!

Laurie:
And he's shirtless in front of that store. Maybe he's a jeans model!

Ellie:
Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.

Bobby:
When I was married, you know what Jules often said to me?

Grayson:
Please stop sleeping with other women?

Jules:
She acts like she's so much smarter than me. Smarter than I. Which is it?

Jeff:
It's smarter than-

Jules:
Don't answer that! I mean, I know you went to Harvard and everything, but really, no one cares.

Jeff:
I didn't go to Harvard.

Jules:
Well in my head, you did. You were also captain of the crew team.

Jeff:
This is a weird day.

Grayson:
Smith wasn't attracted to you because he thought you were couth.

Laurie:
Grayson, that is a word that only women are allowed to use when they're really angry with another woman.

Grayson:
Couth. You know, the opposite of uncouth.

Laurie:
Right, because if I didn't know what couth meant putting an un in front of it makes it perfectly clear. Who's dumb now?

Grayson:
Obviously I am.

Jules:
What should we do today?

Ellie:
I don't know. We could read magazines, or look at shoes online. Just gossip?

Jules:
You know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?

Ellie:
Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.

Jules:
I love being married to you!

Ellie:
I know, I'm so glad we killed Andy and buried him in the backyard.

Jules:
Oh, baby! [Starts to kiss her, Andy comes in dirty and carrying a pickaxe, Jules and Ellie scream]

Andy:
Did you really think you could get away with it? DID YA? [Swings the axe; Ellie wakes up]

Ellie:
[To sleeping Andy] You ruin everything!

Travis:
Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?

Laurie:
Oh yeah, for sure.

Travis:
This is very exciting news.

Laurie:
You know there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier.

Travis:
This just keeps getting better.

Travis:
Mom, I'm gonna be home late tonight.

Jules:
Be home by midnight. And remember my rule, don't wake me up when you come in.

Travis:
Solid parenting, as always.

Jules:
Well, I'm a better mom asleep.

Andy:
Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie:
What?

Grayson:
What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie:
Jules is your someday girl?

Grayson:
A what now?

Laurie:
A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It's really serious.

Grayson:
Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

Jules:
I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.

Ellie:
Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.

Jules:
I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.

Ellie:
See, that's not a great out loud thought

Bobby:
[to Andy] I put you in beer can jail for partying too hard.

Jules:
Oh my god, that bag is soaked with grease. I'm telling you right now, i don't care what's in it, I'm eating it.

Travis:
It's a human head.

Jules:
If it's deep fried, I'm still in.

Bobby:
You know how old I was the first time I got really drunk?

Travis:
I dunno, nine?

Bobby:
Trick question. Never been really drunk. I have got a monster tolerance. The point is...

Travis:
No dad, there is no point to that story.

Bobby:
Okay, the completely new thought is...

Bobby:
You still grouchy about my alleged tab?

Grayson:
[Pulls back the beer he was about to serve Bobby and pours it down the drain] Oh, headfake. Goodbye delicious beer!

Bobby:
That's hateful.

Ellie:
I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-

Andy:
That stuff really works. Like, BOOM!

Ellie:
And some tampons.

Bobby:
Awesome! [To Grayson] Hey if I put these in the machine in the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?

Ellie:
How are you not embarrassed?

Bobby:
Sorry, Ellie. Can't be done.

Andy:
You're talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.

Bobby:
I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Jules:
Laurie, we all have our embarrassing family members.

Bobby:
[Walks in] Yello! That wasn't a coincidence, I was outside waiting for an entrance line.

Bobby:
Remember when I told you that I didn't consider you because this was a man's trip?

Travis:
You kidding? I cherished that moment.

Bobby:
When you were a young pup, if I had told you to stick your arm in a hole, you just would've done it. But today you said no and you bitched about it. And Travis, you bitched like a man. This may sound sappy, but I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for you to be a grown-up. I'm sorry I acted like Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Travis:
It's alright. You can do the arm thing now if you want. [Bobby puts his arm around Travis]

Jules:
You two made up?

Ellie:
Not yet, but we will. [To Andy] Dummy.

Andy:
Witch.

Ellie:
Anybody want wine?

Andy:
Always.

Jules:
What's happening?

Grayson:
I don't know, but I never know.

Ellie:
Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesn't know what it's like to be in a good, healthy marriage.

Jules:
Well, yes I do.

Grayson:
[Whispers] No you don't.

Jules:
I really don't.

Andy:
What, we're gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stan's one. I bet he didn't even move.

Ellie:
He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road don't matter. You don't have to be scared because there's never any real jeopardy.

Andy:
Like a built-in safety net because we love each other so much. [They kiss]

Jules:
I'm gonna cry.

Grayson:
I'm not cause my eyes are so tiny. That's right, I'm owning it.

Ellie:
Jules, at our age, we are who we are. There's no more changing.

Jules:
Well that sucks. Then how am I going to have my antiques shop in Paris?

Ellie:
Well, that's easy. You're not.

Jules:
You just lost your discount!

Sarah:
Try some of that banter you use on the young girls.

Grayson:
Well, we start with middle names and then do favorite numbers, and if things are going really well we'll move on to kittens vs. puppies. I like puppies cause it tickles when they lick you.

Sarah:
Okay let's just do this. Are you close with your folks?

Grayson:
Not a great area.

Sarah:
Do you see yourself getting married again?

Grayson:
Also usually avoided.

Sarah:
Once when trekking through Nepal, I had to act out "Where can I find a tampon?" to a monk. This conversation? Harder than that.

Laurie:
Women do love when men fight for them. There is nothing less sexy than a dude who respects a restraining order.

Laurie:
Why are you so into photography?

Travis:
I feel like photos really capture our collective unconscious. Plus being pretentious really works on me.

Andy:
When I'm this depressed, I need to eat.

Bobby:
You know you can sometimes get free chicken in this park.

Laurie:
Where?

Bobby:
Petting zoo.

Andy:
Dude, no.

Bobby:
It's like taking the shampoos in a hotel, they expect you to do it.

Laurie:
They really don't.

Bobby:
When your mom and I were married, I cheated on her.

Travis:
What? No! Wait. What? Let me pick something off the floor, my jaw.

Bobby:
You know?

Jules:
Everyone knows. The guy at the pizza place would say two medium pepperonis and you deserve better.

Travis:
I figured it out when you gave me a lollipop not to tell Mom when you were taking a bath with a Native American.

Jules:
How are you gonna decide between these two colleges? One's known as the jewel of central southwest Florida, and one's in a state where people lean out of their car window and shoot you in the face.

Travis:
Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?

Jules:
Maybe. I'm like the third smartest one here.

Bobby:
What number am I?

Ellie:
Sixth.

Travis:
This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself. (Jules gives him a long hug) Let's not get weird.

Jules:
If I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small I could live in your blood.

Bobby:
She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?

Ellie:
Now you're eighth.

Jules:
Would you rather be with someone emotionally stable or someone who, on game night, carves "die, bitch" in the kitchen table because you think he sucks at Jenga?

Laurie:
There are positives and negatives to both.

Jules:
There really aren't.

Laurie:
I know. And I am sorry about the table.

Jules:
It's okay. I added a T so now it says "diet, bitch." It's actually pretty motivating.

[After finding the balloon with money in it stuck on a power line]

Bobby:
Nothing we can do tonight. We'll bend down here in that first light, grab some hard hats and a couple of mustaches, we'll shimmy on up there and grab it.

Travis:
And why the mustaches?

Bobby:
You ever seen a hard hat without a mustache under it?

Travis:
Uh, no, but in my defense, I'm a sane person.

Laurie:
Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?

Andy:
That's what she said! Oh!

Laurie:
So lame.

Jules:
Why won't that joke ever go away?

Ellie:
We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!

Bobby:
Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.

Andy:
It's never hard for me!

Jules:
That's what he said!

Andy:
I don't like this.

Jules:
Drinking keeps women skinny!

Laurie:
Oh my god!

Ellie:
This is bigger than curing cancer.

Jules:
Altogether now, if it's on the internet...

Everybody:
It must be true!

Jules:
Everybody, sip.

Travis:
Good afternoon, booze bags. What are we celebrating today?

Jules:
Science!

Jules:
Grayson and I are like pools - we're still just sticking our toes in each other. Grossest thing I ever said.

Grayson:
I'm gonna go throw up.

Grayson:
[after sex] That was amazing.

Jules:
Makes me almost not mind sleeping here. [Grayson pulls a cord and balloons rain down as the Grayson remix plays]

Grayson:
Happy one millionth customer!!

Jules:
You think you're funny, don't you? I'm never sleeping here again!

Grayson:
Oh, well then I better get my money's worth! [Puts a wool hat on]

Jules:
Oh, God.

Grayson:
Huh, dawg? I look pretty cool, right, dawg? Oh, you can frown all you want, but you're not going anywhere. I hid all your clothes.

Jules:
Oh God. [Kisses him]

Grayson:
[Popping a balloon] Happy one millionth customer!

Grayson:
Why does it always have to be a plan?

Jules:
These things work better when you have a plan. Vacations, big talks, murders... I don't know why I said murders. It's not like I daydream about getting away with one. THAT would be weird.