Family Guy, Season 5

Dr. Hartman:
Well, you're 42 years old, and it says here you've never had a prostate exam!

Peter:
No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

[flashback to Peter in a college schoolroom, with his head down]

Peter:
Damn it, this is too hard! [throws his pencil off the table] Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher! [walks up to his teacher, rips the test paper in half, rubs it against his butt and throws it on the floor]

Teacher:
You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.

[Peter gasps and shakes hands with the teacher. He is then shown running across the college grounds until he runs into a flock of birds. He jumps with them, and the scene freezes there]

Peter:
YEAH!

Dr. Hartman:
Okay, heart sounds good. Alright, Mr. Griffin, I'm just gonna need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.

Peter:
What?

Dr. Hartman:
Drop your pants, turn around and lean forward.

Peter:
Umm...okay. [pulls his pants and underpants down as Dr. Hartman puts on a rubber glove] So, how does this work? Do you just feel my pulse, or... [screams, flailing, crashes a shelf and pants heavily] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Dr. Hartman:
Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.

Peter:
Shut up! You had your fingers in my ass!

Dr. Hartman:
That's how a prostate exam is performed. Now if you'll just let me...

Peter:
GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the hospital screaming, and past Mayor West, reading the newspaper on the bench]

Mayor West:
[disgusted] Ugh, get a tan.

[at dinner]

Peter:
I want some ice cream.

Tom:
No, Peter. You finish your food.

[Peter takes his chair to the fridge, much to Tom's dismay]

Tom:
You-- Hey. You get back here right now, mister.

[Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]

Tom:
No. Don't you-- Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble.

[Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]

Tom:
You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it.

[Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]

Tom:
I'm not kidding around. I'm not gonna say it again.

[Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]

Tom:
If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

[Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and slaps him on the behind repeatedly; Peter wails in agony]

Peter:
I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy!

Tom:
[drags him out of the kitchen] Well, I'm the best you've got!

Horace:
Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe:
No!

Quagmire:
Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland:
Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Peter:
It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland:
I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter:
[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Lois:
So, how was work today, Meg?

[Peter raspberries]

Lois:
Oh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg.

[Peter raspberries again]

Lois:
And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, Meg.

[Peter raspberries yet again]

Brian:
So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

[Peter raspberries again]

Chris:
[laughs] Meg!

[Peter raspberries again]

Chris:
MEG!

[Peter raspberries even louder]

Chris:
Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

[Peter raspberries 7 times]

Chris:
[quietly] Meg...

[Peter raspberries quietly]

Meg:
I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job!

[Peter whispers into Brian's ear]

Brian:
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.

Meg:
What did he just say to you?

Brian:
Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.

[Peter raspberries again]

Brian:
All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.

Stewie:
Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?

Brian:
All right, let's do it. [they start making out]

Stewie:
Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!

Brian:
Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!

[Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]

Gay soldier:
[effeminately] Any room for one more?

Stewie:
Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]

Stewie:
All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with purple hearts. Shoot me in the foot.

Brian:
What? Shoot yourself in the foot.

Stewie:
No, no, they can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you.

Brian:
I don't think this is gonna work.

Stewie:
Of course it'll work. Okay, ready? One...two...three!

[Both shoot; Brian gets shot, but misses Stewie]

Brian:
AGHHHHHH!! Dammit! Oh, my God, that hurts! [groans in pain]

Stewie:
I think you've missed me.

Brian:
All right, I'll try again.

Stewie:
Uh, no, no, no! Hang on, that looks like it's painful.

Brian:
Of course it's painful! There's a bullet in my foot, now get over here!

Stewie:
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I change my mind! [Brian starts attempting to shoot Stewie's foot] I don't want to do this!

Brian:
Come on, we had a deal! [Brian, despite being injured, still tries to shoot Stewie]

Stewie:
No, no, no, no! Don't point that at me! Oh, oh, no, no, no! No, oh, God, come on! This is bad for God's sake! [starts faking he got shot] Oh ow, ow, oh ow! Oh, you got me! Ow, ow, ow!

Brian:
Let me see it.

Stewie:
No, no, it's gross.

Brian:
Let me see it!

Stewie:
No, I don't want you to gross you out. Oh, ow, ow! We are in so much pain right now, the two of us! Oh, ow-

Stewie:
OWW! OKAY, THAT WAS REAL!

[The two approach to the leader, hoping with one foot]

Stewie:
Uh, hey, hi! I'm Private Stewie, and this is Private Brian. Uh, we both got shot in the foot. So, we figured an honorable discharge would be in order, uh, and you could just send us back to the States.

Leader:
Getting shot doesn't get you out of here anymore.

Brian:
What?!

Leader:
Yeah, we take whatever we can get, I mean, we got two dead guys, guarding the admonition.

Army man:
Great news, everybody! Democracy just kicked in!

[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]

Peter:
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois:
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

Joe:
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie:
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Chris:
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg:
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!

Cleveland:
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Stewie:
Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?

Jillian:
Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!

Stewie:
[to Brian] Is she retarded?

Brian:
Can you please leave now?!

Stewie:
Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.

Brian:
Shut up! That's not it at all!

Peter:
[reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!

Meg:
Abstinent.

Peter:
Absent.

Meg:
Abstinent.

Peter:
You're grounded.

Brian:
So what happened?

Stewie:
Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?

Brian:
They do, it's called being gay.

Stewie:
Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.

Lois:
Peter, bring that giraffe back!

Peter:
Alright, let's go, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?

[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]

Quagmire:
[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!

[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]

Cleveland:
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans...

Brian:
Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

Morris:
WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!

Brian:
I will never be attracted to you.

Morris:
I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!

Brian:
You're acting like a psycho bitch.

Morris:
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!

Brian:
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Morris:
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!

[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]

Meg:
I won't be ignored, Brian.

[Morris reappears]

Morris:
Mmm, I like your ass.

Brian:
[while running away with Stewie] How are we gonna get out of here?

Stewie:
You still got the starting gun?

Brian:
Yeah?

Stewie:
Give it to me.

(Brian hands Stewie the gun) (Cut to a single green car at a stop light in Aspen)

Stewie:
(To the driver of the car, while holding up the gun) GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (breaks car window with the gun) GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT! I'LL KILL YOU! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN!

(While Stewie is screaming at the driver, Brian effortlessly removes the terrified driver from the car, puts Stewie in the passenger seat, climbs into the driver seat and speeds away)

(Cut to a highway road back to Rhode Island; the car Brian and Stewie just stole is now seen driving back to Quahog)

Brian:
Did we just carjack someone?

Stewie:
We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

[Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]

Stewie:
Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

Cleveland:
You're welcome.

Lois:
Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!

Stewie:
These are mine, you hear me? MINE!

Lois:
Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Stewie:
I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

[cutaway]

Asian Santa:
What you want? What you want for Christmas?

Stewie:
Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...

Asian Santa:
Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?

Asian Kid:
Fire truck!

Asian Santa:
What color?

Asian Kid:
Red!

Asian Santa:
Next!

Asian Kid:
[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!

[At Peter and Lois' bedroom, Stewie is rooting through Peter and Lois' closet, and taking some of their stuff]

Stewie:
This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages". "Dare card: have her do a strip tease, and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." What's a "bonner"?

Lois:
Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box?! You give that back to Mommy!

Stewie:
[refuses] NO! GO TO HELL!

Lois:
Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours! Now, give that back to Mommy!

Stewie:
Very well, then. If I can't have it, NOBODY CAN! [He rips the necklace of pearls]

Lois:
[angry] THAT IS ENOUGH! [She spanks Stewie]

Stewie:
[scared] You... you struck me!

Lois:
[gasped] Oh, my God! Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

[Stewie cries]

Lois:
Oh, honey, I'm sorry! Mommy would never hurt you! Let me give you a hug.

[Stewie squeals in fright as he runs out of the bedroom]

Peter:
Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.

Kyle:
[mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"

Peter:
Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.

Kyle:
"What you did the other day was wrong!"

Peter:
You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.

Kyle:
"You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."

Peter:
Shut up, Kyle.

Kyle:
"I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."

Peter:
Kyle, I said shut up.

Kyle:
You're a poop-nose.

[Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]

[Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]

Stewie:
[whispers] I love you.

Brian:
What? What'd you say?

Stewie:
Uh, olive juice.

Brian:
Olive juice?

Stewie:
[whispers] Olive juice you too...

TV:
We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.

Sagan:
I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-

Redneck:
Hundreds and hundreds of years old.

Sagan:
Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-

Redneck:
Goooooooooood.

Sagan:
-ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-

Redneck:
Jesus-

Sagan:
-annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-

Redneck:
Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

West:
"You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." [one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading] "You should make the time," said the farmer.

[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]

Brian:
How do you think it works?

Stewie:
I have no idea.

Brian:
Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie:
All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.

Brian:
What's that big back part?

Stewie:
Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

Brian:
I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie:
Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

Brian:
[sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie:
Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...

[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]

Announcer:
We now return to America's Next Top Model.

[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]

Model:
I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

Banks:
You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW!

[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]

[the horse barges in and stops the execution of Peter]

Peter:
Horsey! You saved my life!

Horsey:
[in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.

Peter:
Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!

Horsey:
That's right!

Peter:
Awesome!

Peter:
Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?

Giant Chicken:
You know, I've completely forgotten.

Peter:
Me too.

Giant Chicken:
Something about a coupon...

Peter:
I cannot, for the life of me, remember...

Giant Chicken:
Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.

Peter:
No, no, no. I'm alright.

Giant Chicken:
But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?

Peter:
Well, that sounds lovely.

Lois:
Hey, you guys.

Chris:
Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.

Lois:
What?

Chris:
What?

Quagmire:
[to Lois] Come here, baby, let's play "Hide and Go Anal"!

[cuts to two dead soldiers, guarding the ammo hangar, then cuts back] Leader:
Sorry guys, you are here, until the job is done.