Family Guy, Season 8

[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]

Brian:
What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie:
I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Brian:
Look! There's our house!

[Brian and Stewie run towards it]

Stewie:
[laughing] Look how gaily we run!

[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]

Brian:
Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie:
I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]

R.C. Peter:
Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

[Duke, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-man enter the room]

R.C. Chris:
Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thundercats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie:
How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

R.C. Chris:
Fuck you!

Stewie:
Bye!

[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]

Brian:
That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.

[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]

Quagmire:
See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Clerk:
Have you made a reservation, Peter?

Peter:
Uh... yeah! I did it before her!

Clerk:
Who did you talk to?

Peter:
Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?

Clerk:
Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years!

Peter:
Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.

Chase:
You saw Cops and Robbersons?

Aykroyd:
And My Stepmother Is an Alien?

Peter:
Almost all of them.

Rita:
[after the breakup] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

Brian:
[about to set them on the dresser] Here?

Rita:
No. The davenport- the chesterfield.

Brian:
[about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?

Rita:
No. Does that look like a divan to you?

Brian:
[about to set them on the windowsill] Here?

Rita:
[sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.

Brian:
[crossly] You know what? Just take your fucking keys, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. [slams door]

Monkey:
Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois:
Oh, that's terrible.

Monkey:
I fell into a deep depression after the divorce which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter:
Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]

Bomber:
Allahu Akbar! [crashes]

[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]

Jake:
Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!

Tom:
[from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Peter:
Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.

Baby:
Giggity?

Quagmire:
Oooh, I say that...

Bitch Brian:
Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.

Joe:
[shows off a parrot] I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?

Peter:
[to the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!

Parrot:
Cripple!

Joe:
DAMN IT!

Brian:
I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Quagmire:
Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.

[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]

Peter:
Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]

Lois:
Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.

Peter:
Join me for what?

Lois:
No, PETA, the organization.

Peter:
What organization?

Lois:
PETA.

Peter:
What?!

Lois:
PETA is an acronym, Peter.

Peter:
No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!

Stewie:
Are we doing this?

Lois:
No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.

Peter:
Someone is having a rally for me now?

Lois:
No, for PETA.

Peter:
That's me! I'm Peter!

Lois:
I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.

Peter:
Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!

Chris:
I think Betty White is in PETA.

Peter:
That doesn't even make any sense!

Peter:
Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.

[cut to a scene at a hospital]

Monitor:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.

Peter:
Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!

Carter:
Why would you do that?

Peter:
'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.

[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]

Hamburger Helper:
Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?

Peter:
Sure!

Hamburger Helper:
Okay, then let's...

[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]

Cheeseburger Helper:
Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!

Peter:
Oh, really?

Cheeseburger Helper:
You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?

Peter:
What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.

Cheeseburger Helper:
[shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!

Hamburger Helper:
[to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.

Peter:
Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.

Hamburger Helper:
I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.

Peter:
Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.

Cheeseburger Helper:
[skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!

Peter:
[to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

[Peter has amnesia]

Chris:
Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.

Peter:
Never seen you before in my life.

Chris:
Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!

Herbert:
Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Peter:
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois:
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter:
You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris:
Yay!

Lois:
Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg:
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie:
That's your sense of humor?!

Meg:
I was just kidding! God!

Lois:
Meg, that's awful!

Chris:
Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

Brian:
That's messed up, Meg.

Meg:
I was just trying to be funny.

Lois:
That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie:
Yeah, that's your father!

Chris:
[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter:
Heh, heh, heh.

Joe:
You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.

Meg:
Oh, well, that's only fair, because, after all, I did hide him from the... [reacts] WHAAAA?!!

Woman:
[about the rodeo] This is a disgusting display.

Brian:
Boy, you can say that again. Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun. It's amazing that this is still legal. The only reason I'm here 'cause my idiot friend is in the rodeo.

Woman:
I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article. One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it.

Diane:
Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.

Tom:
That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.

[cut to the park ranger at the forest]

Park Ranger:
We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.

[Joe and three other cops in the background]

Joe:
All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.

Ellen:
Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.

Chris:
Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?

Ellen:
That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.

[On the Jolly Farm set]

Randall:
Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!

Julie:
(to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.

Stewie:
Is he playing a dick?

Lois:
Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.

Meg:
I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!

Lois:
Look, I understand that you're upset.

Meg:
You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?

Lois:
I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.

Meg:
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.

Lois:
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.

Meg:
You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]

Lois:
Oh, my God!

Meg:
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!

Lois:
Well, when you're ready to talk...

Quagmire:
If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.

Quagmire:
[to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.

Stewie:
Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.

[cut to Hitler with a publisher]

Publisher:
Well, we read it and we don't like it...

Hitler:
[dejected] Oh.

Publisher:
We love it!

[both laugh]

Hitler:
You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!

[The executives want to cast James Woods in Brian's pilot]

Brian:
James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old

Female Executive:
I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?

Brian:
What? But he is.

Female Executive:
...n't.

Brian:
My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.

Todd:
It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.

James:
You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.

Peter:
So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?

Stewie:
That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.

Peter:
You having a tea party?

Stewie:
No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]

Stewie:
When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Stewie:
[On a cellphone] Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...

Brian:
Give me the damn phone!

Stewie:
Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. [whispered] I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. [Brian snatches a cellphone] Hey!

Brian:
Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?!

Stewie:
A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. [Brian angrily slaps him on a face] Ow.

Brian:
You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!

Brian:
You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!

Stewie:
Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.

Brian:
All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?

Stewie:
All right.

Brian:
Can you give me a caramel one?

Stewie:
No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.

Brian:
I don't like strawberry yogurt.

Stewie:
Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.

Brian:
Okay, I get it.

Stewie:
A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.

Brian:
Shut up.

Stewie:
Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.

Brian:
Shut up!

Stewie:
Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.

Quagmire:
Dad... Are you gay?

Dan:
What?

Quagmire:
Are you gay, Dad?!

Dan:
No, Glenn. Of course not.

Quagmire:
Just tell me the truth!

Dan:
I am telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.

Quagmire:
Oh, come on. That's not helping.

Dan:
Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay.

Quagmire:
You promise?

Dan:
I promise.

Quagmire:
All right. I believe you.

Dan:
But I am a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation.

Quagmire:
[stunned] Oh, come on. Just be gay.

[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]

Stewie:
What?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!

Brian:
I HAD SEX WITH HER!

Stewie:
What?!

Brian:
I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOT!!

Stewie:
[screams] Why?!

Brian:
I didn't know! I didn't know it was her!

Stewie:
OH, MY GOD!

[both scream]

Brian:
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!

Stewie:
He didn't move! He's just visiting!

[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]

Quagmire:
What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?

Joe:
I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.

Peter:
You think they were following us?

Joe:
Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Quagmire:
Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Peter:
Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Rallo:
Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown into an asteroid field]

Leia:
We're gonna get pulverized out here!

Han:
Look, we've got four or five of the main characters on this ship, I think we'll be fine!

Vader (Stewie):
Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.

Lois:
Peter, this is Naomi.

Peter:
Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois:
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter:
No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!

[cut to God standing on cloud looking down]

God:
Don't mention it, Peter.

Chorus:
[sing] God! He knows what turns you on!

God:
[to the home audience] Have fun!

[at the end of the episode]

Lois:
Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]

Peter:
[to the home audience] We had the abortion.