Hogan's Heroes, Season 3

Schultz:
Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]

Col. Klink:
[Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!

Schultz:
[Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!

Col. Klink:
And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!

[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]

Schultz:
Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?

Hogan:
Well, Schultz-

Schultz:
Tell me nothing!

Col. Klink:
Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?

Schultz:
Because there was a phone?

Hogan:
Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. But sometimes I'd like to try.

British General:
Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.

Hogan:
Breaks up the day, sir.

British General:
[Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.

Hogan:
D-Day, sir?

British General:
D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.

Hogan:
It's been a long time coming, sir.

British General:
A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.

Hogan:
Yes, sir.

British General:
Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.

Hogan:
Are you in or out?

Lilli von Scheider:
After all this time, I am to help out with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization?

Hogan:
It's up to you.

Lilli von Scheider:
For laughs. Yes.

Hogan:
Thanks. You'll have a million.

[Major Hochsetter sends a female Gestapo Spy to Stalig 13 to confirm his suspecions about Colonel Hogan; he has one possible lead Sgt schultz who may have information without knowing it]

Gestapo Spy:
{Look at picture of Sgt Schultz) This one looks stupid enough

Hochsetter:
Why not? He studied under Klink

Schultz:
Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.

Hogan:
Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.

[Hogan takes out a bar of chocolate.]

Schultz:
Twenty minutes?

Hogan:
Eat slowly. [Hands the bar to Schultz]

[Klink and Hochstetter summon Group Captain James Roberts, a recently-captured British officer, to Klink's office. He enters and comes face-to-face with a man identical to himself.]

Group Captain James Roberts:
In Heaven's name.

Hochstetter:
Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.

Group Captain Roberts:
He could be my twin!

Klink:
In a way he is! He is!

Hochstetter:
Fantastic.

Klink:
They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-

Hochstetter:
[Visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.

Group Captain Roberts:
This is monstrous.

Hochstetter:
The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?

Group Captain Roberts:
[Realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.

Leutnant Baumann:
Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.

Group Captain Roberts:
He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.

Hochstetter:
Well, I am satisfied.

Klink:
So am I.

Hochstetter:
I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.

Klink:
Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?

Group Captain Roberts:
Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.

Hochstetter:
Now, is everything crystal clear?

Klink:
Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.

Hochstetter:
Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.

Klink:
Oh, thank you, sir.

Hilda:
Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink:
By all means, let him come in.

Hilda:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink:
Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter:
My fish.

Hogan:
Colonel Klink.

Klink:
Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan:
You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter:
He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink:
That's not surprising.

Hogan:
Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter:
He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink:
We will?

Hogan:
As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter:
Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink:
You may see the prisoner.

Hogan:
And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter:
I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink:
There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan:
You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink:
Really?

Hogan:
Yeah. I faint very easily.

Hochstetter:
But this is can't be. I just sent the report that the "Englishman" was sent across the Channel earlier this morning protected by the Luftwaffe... [Realizes] KLINK! I WILL mention you in my report!

Hogan:
Remember, the enemy is everywhere.

Schultz:
Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!

Hogan:
We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.

Kinchloe:
This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.

Hogan:
Never known one who wasn't.

LeBeau:
Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.

Hogan:
Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?

LeBeau:
Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.

General Burkhalter:
Klink, my policy has always been one of complete cooperation with the Gestapo, provided I found their requests were reasonable. Fortunately, I have found all of their requests reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were...

Hogan:
Come on, Colonel! If the High Command's so smart, what're they doin' on the Russian Front?

Kinchloe:
[On the telephone, impersonating Burkhalter] Hello! Klink?! You idiot, what are you doing in town? I am here, at your office, waiting for you! Are you arguing with me, Klink?! Now, listen, I want you back here right away! I am counting! One! Two! Three! [Klink hangs up] I think he'll break some records getting back to camp.

Hogan:
Whose side are you on?

Dr. Karl Svenson:
I am not on either side. I am not a politician; I am a scientist. All I want is to end the war.

Hogan:
Good. And we wanna be the ones to end it. Doctor, I can get you out of Germany and over to the Allies in two days.

Dr. Svenson:
No. As soon as I finish the formula-

Hogan:
You mean it isn't finished?

Dr. Svenson:
Two or three more months' work.

Hogan:
That's good news. More time to swing you over to our side.

Dr. Svenson:
I told you; I am not taking sides. You are wasting your time.

Hogan:
I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view.

[Dr. Svenson laughs, but smiles at Hogan.]

Dr. Svenson:
I am going downstairs for a drink. Will you join me?

Hogan:
I'd love to.

Klink:
It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!

Schultz:
Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.

Klink:
Was?!

Schultz:
Before he was sent to the Russian Front.

Klink:
Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.

Klink:
I would be better off at the Russian Front.

Schultz:
When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?

Klink:
Everything ready, Schultz?

Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.

Klink:
Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?

Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-

Klink:
Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!

Hogan:
There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk:
Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan:
He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter:
Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau:
Just like that, huh?

Carter:
Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan:
If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter:
Me?

Hogan:
It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter:
Right.

[Carter goes out and closes the barracks door behind him. After a few seconds a guard opens the door and pulls Carter back in.]

Hogan:
Just put it anywhere.

[Hogan and his men are hiding a Soviet Air Force pilot on the run from the Germans]

Carter:
Whose birthday?

Hogan:
Alexander Graham Bell. Very famous American.

Lieutenant Igor Grigorovitch Piotkin:
Never heard of him.

Hogan:
He's the man who invented the telephone.

Lt. Piotkin:
Is not true! Telephone invented by Russian; every schoolchild know this!

Hogan:
American.

Lt. Piotkin:
Russian!

Hogan:
American.

Lt. Piotkin:
Russian!

Hogan:
American!

Lt. Piotkin:
[Pounding a fist on the table] Russian, Russian, Russian!

Schultz:
The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!

Hogan:
The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

Klink:
Yes, Colonel Klink speaking. Lieutenant Bergmann, anything new to report? Nothing. No, you can't come here for lunch! Forget about eating; I'm hungry, too!

Kinchloe:
I wonder how far it is to the Russian Front.

Hogan:
I don't know, but it's getting closer every day.

General Burkhalter:
This is a most important and secret meeting.

Colonel Klink:
I understand, General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter:
I doubt it.

[Jacques Mornay, a Free French operative, has been sent to Stalag 13 to assist Hogan and his men.]

Jacques Mornay:
This is the most efficient organization I have ever seen.

Newkirk:
Thank you very much, sir.

Jacques Mornay:
If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over.

Hogan:
It'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job.

Captain Morgan:
Now I know why the Underground didn't tell us where we were going.

Hogan:
The less you know, the less you can talk if you're captured.

Cpt. Morgan:
I knew the Germans were out to take prisoners, but I never knew you fellas were in business for yourselves.

Hogan:
Let's just say we've eliminated the middleman.

Klink:
Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter:
I don't pay anybody a "social call"!

Hogan:
(Hogan had listened in on Klink's conversation with Hochstetter so they repeat the same dialogue when Hochstetter comes into the barracks)Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter:
What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

Klink:
What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter?

Hochstetter:
Are you aware that last Monday night an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Heydrich, knocked the Fuehrer's picture off the wall, and... everything!

Klink:
No, I was playing cards with Captain Bruennschmier.

Hochstetter:
It is a great personal loss to me.

Klink:
It was a great personal loss to me; he took me for fifty Marks!

Hochstetter:
But the antiaircraft shot down the bomber...

Klink:
That's good.

Hochstetter:
But, the crew parachuted to safety...

Klink:
Ooh, that's bad!

Hochstetter:
But, we know where they are hiding.

Klink:
That's good! Where?

Hochstetter:
Here.

Klink:
Here? Impossible!

Hochstetter:
Impossible? We shall see. I am ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.

Klink:
Sir! I am Kommandant of Stalag 13!

Hochstetter:
That is exactly why I am ordering the search.

Carter:
You know, you can say what you like about the Nazis, but anyone who built a rocket fuel depot in our reach can't be all bad.

Hogan:
All right- let's examine it. Now, we have received word from London that they think the Germans are up to something in chemical warfare. Right?

Carter:
Right.

Hogan:
London wants the location of the factory turning it out. Who here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans that he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who?

Carter:
You really think I can do that, Colonel?

Hogan:
No. It's just that we don't have anyone else.

General Wittkamper:
What's this? You're not Gestapo!

Hogan:
Lucky for you, General, we're gonna get you out of the country. Both of you.

General Wittkamper:
But I don't want to get out of the country!

Hogan:
When your factory is blown up and you get the blame? You'd rather stay here?

General Wittkamper:
I'm coming with you.

Hogan:
You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.

Hochstetter:
The Gestapo is not "company".

Hogan:
Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.

Klink:
Hogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!

Hogan:
Just a little, sir?

Klink:
I mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.

Hochstetter:
Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?

Hogan:
Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?

Hochstetter:
The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?

Hogan:
Were they?

Hochstetter:
You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.

Hogan:
Did I?

Hochstetter:
They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?

Hogan:
How 'bout that!

Klink:
Those are not answers!

Hochstetter:
Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.

Hogan:
You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?

Hochstetter:
Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.

Hogan:
Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.

Hochstetter:
During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.

Hogan:
That's the hotel, all right!

Schultz:
Colonel Hogan.

Hogan:
Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call. But I want the men to finish their game.

Schultz:
There won't be any roll call.

Hogan:
Look, no arguments, Schultz. This is our exercise period.

Schultz:
I said, there will be no roll call!

Hogan:
And I said-(pause) No roll call?

Schultz:
That's right.

Schultz:
(Newkirk, Lebeau, and Hogan approach Klink's quarters) Halt! Who goes there?

Newkirk:
Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering.

Schultz:
Jolly jokers.

Hochstetter:
Klink!

Klink:
Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter:
What are these men doing here?

Newkirk:
I'm his personal physician.

Lebeau:
I'm his night nurse.

Klink:
What can I do for you, Major?

Hochstetter:
For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.

Klink:
Double the security force?

Hogan:
With his record?

Hochstetter:
(miffed) What are these men doing here?!

Klink:
He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.

Hochstetter:
We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.

Klink:
A French girl?

Hochstetter:
This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.

Klink:
Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Hochstetter:
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.

Klink:
Oh, no, sir.

Hogan:
Impossible.

Lebeau:
Ridiculous.

Hochstetter:
(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!

Klink:
Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?

Hochstetter:
Yes, I think they're necessary!

Klink:
Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)

Hogan:
Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)

Hochstetter:
Are you crazy?

Hogan:
I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.

Hogan:
They want me to go home. They've ordered me home.

LeBeau:
Who would issue an order like that?

Hogan:
I don't know, but whoever it was is gonna have me for a friend for life! Kinch, radio London, tell 'em orders are acknowledged. When do I leave? How, where? All the details! [Goes back inside his quarters, slamming the door.] YAHOO!

Kinchloe:
Yes, sir.

Newkirk:
Personally, I think he's takin' the news pretty well.

Schultz:
Give me back my gun, or I'll shoot!

Hogan:
Anything wrong, sir?

Klink:
Hogan, get out of here!

Hochstetter:
I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!

Klink:
My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter:
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.

Hogan:
Glad you finally cleared me, sir.

Hochstetter:
Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.

Klink:
Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...

Hochstetter:
Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?

Hogan:
Bad sense of direction?

Hochstetter:
I do not think so.

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?

Hochstetter:
That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.

Hochstetter:
I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-

Hochstetter:
BAH!

[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]

Schultz:
Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!

[Sergeant Schultz rams the door open, but the men are no longer holding the door. He stumbles in and goes up to Hogan.]

Schultz:
Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!

Hogan:
Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.

Schultz:
It is freezing outside!

Hogan:
It's a pleasure to see your mind work.

Hochstetter:
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!

Klink:
Why would I do a thing like that?

Hochstetter:
Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.

Hochstetter:
[Watching the prisoners celebrate the "end" of World War II] Look at them. We've told them they can go, and they're having such a good time they don't want to leave!

Klink:
Shoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?

Hochstetter:
No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!

Hochstetter:
The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.

Hogan:
My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.

Hochstetter:
What is this man doing here?

Klink:
Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-

Hochstetter:
Klink, did I ask for an introduction?

Hogan:
I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.

Hochstetter:
(miffed) What is this man doing here?

Klink:
Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!

Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Hochstetter:
(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.

Klink:
Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.

Hochstetter:
I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

Klink:
An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-

Hochstetter:
You will be shot.

Klink:
(fearful) That's another good one.

Hochstetter:
(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!

Hogan:
Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.

Hochstetter:
Borrow my car?

Hogan:
Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!

Hochstetter:
Well, I don't-

Hogan:
Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!

Hochstetter:
Yes, but-

Hogan:
Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!

Hochstetter:
Well, yes, the war is over... but... [Gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.

Inspector General Busse:
The what... is what?

Hochstetter:
The war. It's over.

Inspector General Busse:
The war is over...?

Klink:
That's right, General! Haven't you heard?

Inspector General Busse:
No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!

Hogan:
You mean the war isn't over?

Inspector General Busse:
Of course it is not over!

Hogan:
Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.

Inspector General Busse:
[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [Turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-

Hogan:
Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.

Klink:
Yes! Yes, that's right! [Hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!

Hochstetter:
[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!

Hochstetter:
The Gestapo is now in charge.

Hogan:
By whose orders?

Hochstetter:
(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.

Klink:
(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?

Hogan:
(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.

Hochstetter:
(screaming) What is this man doing here?!?!

Klink:
Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?

Hogan:
Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.

Klink:
Yes, sir, I am.

Hochstetter:
BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)

Klink:
Hogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.

Hogan:
Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.

Klink:
Hilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.

Hogan:
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.

Klink:
Not to me.

Hogan:
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.

Klink:
Hogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.

Hilda:
Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?

Klink:
Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".

Hogan:
I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.

Klink:
The day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.

Hogan:
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.

Hogan:
Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

Hochstetter:
What is this man doing here?

Klink:
You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Schultz:
Where, where?

Hochstetter:
If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Hogan:
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

Hochstetter:
What is this man doing here?

Klink:
Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

Hochstetter:
You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk:
For what?

Klink:
He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

Hogan:
We didn't see anybody.

Klink:
You see? I told you-

Hochstetter:
(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

Hogan:
You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

Klink:
What job?!

Carter:
Fixin' the hole in your roof. You got a terrible leak up there. Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it?

Klink:
I gave no such orders!

Carter:
He doesn't want it fixed! Start pullin', Louie!

Klink:
Wait, wait! I didn't say that!

Carter:
Stop pullin', Louie! He changed his mind!

Klink:
Wait, wait! Proceed, proceed!

Carter:
Start pullin', Louie! Yes, sir, 'scuse me sir. Thank you. I'm sorry. 'Scuse me, sir.

[Carter salutes Klink, drops the ladder, picks it back up, and he and LeBeau take the ladder back out. Carter comes back to close the office door. Once they finally leave, Klink looks in exasperation at the picture of Adolf Hitler on his wall.]

Klink:
What I have to put up with for you!

General Metzger:
Now, tell me, Hogan. Do you have any idea of where I might find that "ammunition"?

Hogan:
Yeah. In a museum, after the war.

General Metzger:
I am going to order a thorough investigation into this matter, Hogan!

Hogan:
I don't think you will, General.

General Metzger:
Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?

Hogan:
When you steal from a thief, one thing's for sure; he'll never call the cops.

[Colonel Wembley of British Army Intelligence and a radio operator are baffled at a message being sent over radio by a Royal Navy submarine, which is relaying information from Colonel Hogan at Stalag 13.]

Radio Operator:
I thought we weren't giving our messages in code, sir.

Colonel Wembley:
Perhaps Hogan has forgotten that. Would you look up "chimpanzee" in the code book, Sergeant?

Radio Operator:
[Checks the code book] "Chimpanzee" is not part of the code, sir.

Colonel Wembley:
I've no idea what the message is at all.

Submarine Officer:
The chimpanzee will be wearing a fatigue uniform with sergeant's stripes and answers to the name of "Freddy."

Colonel Wembley:
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity, but this is ridiculous!

Klink:
What am I? A zookeeper, or the head of a POW camp?! He just doesn't understand my problems! It's so easy for him to give orders, and he expect miracles! General Burkhalter is so... he's so-

Hogan:
German.

Klink:
Exactly! [Pauses] Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble; it's enough for one day.

Newkirk:
What're you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart?